Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!

[fitnessfan365]

I think people in general just lack patience and want instant gratification these days.

 

I'm very assertive and sexual with women. But I like to slowly build tension, use a lot of foreplay, etc.. So when it comes to actual sex, I don't mind waiting a few months. If anything, it only makes it that much hotter when it does happen. However, attraction and passion are very important too though. So if it isn't getting somewhat sexual (making out, heavy foreplay/oral) within a month of dating, the chemistry is probably lacking.

[GunslingerRoland]

If you want to have a time period of getting to know someone before sex is your prerogative. BUT if that is what you plan on doing, then stop with the heavy makeout seshes. It is unfair to c*&^ tease a horny guy. It's a no brainer guys want sex asap. You don't want to leave a guy all frustrated.

 

 

 

That is a good point, you are giving him very mixed signals, going to his place and making out after only 3 dates when you don't plan to have sex with him for weeks.

[katiegrl]

A complex stranger?

 

I can't understand that either!

 

I had sex with my ex the first night we met.

 

By the end of the night, there was such a strong chemistry and connection, he was far from a *complete stranger*. We both felt that way...

 

We were together six years after that night....

 

Would I behave that impulsively again?

 

Probably not.

[clia]

A complex stranger?

 

I can't understand that either!

 

What are you talking about? I said "a complete stranger." I consider a person I've only known for hours to pretty much be a complete stranger. Even after a few dates or weeks they are still essentially a stranger.

[J21]

By the 3rd date the person is still a stranger! I'm a guy and I am not looking to jump into anyone's pants by the 3rd date (or whatever that number is).

 

Maybe I'm a little bit old fashioned or I think too much with my head, but I like to wait a little while before doing the hanky panky. Eventually, when you guys do have sex, you can do it anytime you guys want to. So what's the rush? The person can have STDs and lie that they don't, for all you know!

 

IMO 3rd date is too soon, I don't know anything about them or their sexual history. I opt to wait til I know them fairly well.

[deadparrot]

You need to do what feels right for you, whether that's choosing to wait an hour or until your wedding night...it's your body, and you get to call the shots. That said, you have to find a partner who is on board with that decision. If they're not, then it doesn't mean either of your or wrong or bad people; it's just an indication that you're probably not compatible.

 

Just to throw this out there, though: my boyfriend and his now-ex-wife waited until a few months before their wedding to have sex (at this point, they had been dating about 5 years), and two years into their marriage she informed him that she'd been cheating (and was in love) with a colleague. BF and I slept together on the first date, and we've been together a year, just moved in together, and are talking marriage in the medium-term future. It's only anecdotal, obviously, but an indication that waiting doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is going to be all sunshine and roses, and getting physical early on doesn't necessarily spell doom.

[Lady Hamilton]

I never counted dates and said "Ok, we hit the 3/5/10 date milestone and/or X months together, time to have sex." I went by when it felt right. If I had know the guy before dating and we were friends, maybe we'd get there faster. If we didn't know each other, maybe it would take longer.

 

I don't think anybody has a set date minimum or maximum that the adhere to like glue, and the idea that women walk around with some secret number of dates or amount of time that a guy has to try something or they get friend zoned is absurd.

 

Go with what feels right for you. If 3 dates feels like not enough, it's not enough.

 

I will say though, if you feel it's not enough, don't go home with them or invite them to your home after a date. That's the universal sign of "let's have sex" and if think you'd do more damage sending one signal then doing a 180 later.

[fitnessfan365]

I will say though, if you feel it's not enough, don't go home with them or invite them to your home after a date. That's the universal sign of "let's have sex" and if think you'd do more damage sending one signal then doing a 180 later.

 

THIS.

 

It always amazes me when women accept private dates in a guy's place when they don't want to have sex. It's definitely naive to think that's not the main objective. Couldn't agree more that if you know you're not ready yet, just keep all interactions in public until you are.

[katiegrl]

What are you talking about? I said "a complete stranger." I consider a person I've only known for hours to pretty much be a complete stranger. Even after a few dates or weeks they are still essentially a stranger.

 

I am talking about NOT always feeling like someone you just met a few hours prior is a complete stranger.

 

See my previous post. Although my ex and I only knew each other a few hours, there was such a strong connection from the get go, we felt like we had known each other forever.

 

Therefore neither I nor he felt like we were complete strangers. Six years together after that night.

 

THAT is what i am talking about.

 

Granted, that is extremely rare and I highly doubt it will ever happen that way to me again, but it DOES happen.

 

If you don't believe it could ever happen that way for you, that is your prerogative. As I said different strokes.

 

EDIT: To me a complete stranger is hooking with some guy you met at a bar or Tinder or another dating site, for the sheer purpose of screwing.

 

You have never spoken, know nothing about each other and don't care to.

 

You just want to screw.

Edited June 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I have met 'your definition of strangers' that the sexual attraction was so intense, intoxicating, it was a visceral attraction, it was animal - a basic instinct taking over. The sex was mind-blowing.

 

OP should do as her heart dictates her.

 

There is no right or wrong. Even sex with 'strangers' isn't wrong if it's something you are capable of enjoying and handling.

[BlueIris]

Guys,

 

I've been reading a lot of dating threads and it seems pretty common to have sex with the person by date 3, 4 or 5 - maybe even sooner - and even before any exclusivity talk.

 

Last night, I went on date #3 with this guy I met online. We see each other once or twice a week so far. Last night was a comedy show, then out for drinks and then back to his place. I admit we got pretty hot but I slowed it down and we didn't have any type of actual sex. But now I'm seriously wondering, am I abnormal to not want to have sex within the first month at least?? I feel like we barely know each other, but we're starting to open up to each other a bit finally.

 

I had mentioned that I don't like to rush, it's a big deal for me to even call someone my "boyfriend". To me, a boyfriend is someone that I actually see a future with, otherwise I won't be dating him or making him my boyfriend .. and I don't want to have sex without exclusivity. He did mention at one point that he doesn't date multiple people, but I'm not interested in taking any chances and either way, I don't know him well enough to feel comfortable being naked and vulnerable in front of him.

 

I really want to get to know him first, and I want him to really get to know me first. I'm not ready for sex and might not be for a month or two, depending on the pace we go and whether we're exclusive or not. Am I delusional or is immediate sex the new normal?? Is it too much to ask him to wait at least a month or so???

 

Heaven knows I've been told often enough it was normal or to be expected! Heck, my dad told me 40 years ago, "boys are going to pressure you to have sex," so this isn't anything new.

 

No, there is nothing wrong or abnormal about your doing only what you truly want to do, on your own initiative and timeline, and what you are comfortable with. Never let someone pressure you or shame you into having sex, or into anything for that matter. And for heaven's sake, don't date someone who pressures you.

 

"Too much to ask"? No. Not at all. If it's a deal-breaker for him, let him leave if he wants.

 

It's just another flavor of the middle school claim, "but EVERYBODY else is doing it!" Weakest argument ever. The lemming argument.

 

Live by your own values.

[JoeSmith357-1]

also, it depends how you met...

 

the last several people I dated, I met online, we chatted for days online, then skyped several times before we met in real life, chats, texts and skypes between dates 1 and 2, and 2 and 3, I felt I knew them pretty well, my partners did as well, as they gave up the goods and I dated both them them for over a year, the last one 3 years.

 

If you just meet some dude on the street or at a bar, and dont do much communications between dates, I can understand how, maybe possibly you will feel they may be a stranger still at date 3.

 

But then I would also say, maybe you are doing something wrong if it takes you over a month to get to know someone to the point you feel comfortable having sex with them. But to each their own I guess... I suppose there are people that still wait to get married to bang, although that is utterly ridiculous

[No_Go]

If I am ok with having an intimate dinner with the person, I'm ok with having sex with him. For me sex is not any deeper form of communication than a shared meal or walk&talk in the park.

 

Real emotional intimacy I've achieved only with one person in my life and I've NEVER touched him, let alone have sex with him.

 

I have had 3 sexual partners in my life time and not even once the sex was a deal maker or deal breaker. It was just part of bio-functions, like going to the restroom or eating.

 

If you enjoy/need it - have it. If you don't, just don't. As simple as that.

[RoseHeart]

It depends entirely on the two people and their morals and values on sex. Both me and my boyfriend waited several months and by that time we were exclusive and set on being in a relationship in the near future. We talked about it and made sure we're on the same page in terms of our sexual expectations. I promise you; the right match for you will be more than happy to wait a few months. If a guy can't then it just means he is not the right guy for YOU and your needs. There's nothing wrong under this sun with wanting to get to know someone first before jumping into bed with them. I could never do that and neither could people like my boyfriend. Sex is too special for both of us to just do it willy nilly.

[kismetkismet]

it varies for sure, but you should always only do what you're comfortable with. I've usually slept with guys within the first three dates and that's somewhat the norm for the people I know. I didn't really do a lot of dating around though and I usually know within the first date or two whether i'll be interested for at least a couple of months. It's not like I went on 3-4 OLD dates a week and slept with them all. I'd usually not agree to dates unless I was mostly sure I was interested.

 

I've slept with 2 guys in the past four years. One of them I met at a bar and went home with the first night - we dated for 2 years, still on friendly terms. The second one I met at a staff party, slept with him that night, and we've been dating for almost a year, living together for 3 months. I don't think people should follow RULES or that if you follow those you'll somehow unlock the key to true love. Just do what feels right to you and eventually you'll meet someone who feels right about the same things. There's no point trying to force two pieces together that just don't fit.

[jrharvey]

Hey good for you girl. Just do what feels right for you. Im the type of guy I dont want a girl to rush into sex right away. Some guys think thats what they want. If its TOO easy they wont respect your will power. Do whats right for you.

[No_Go]

I didn't really do a lot of dating around though and I usually know within the first date or two whether i'll be interested for at least a couple of months.

 

I'd usually not agree to dates unless I was mostly sure I was interested.

 

The above is matching 100% with my approach. I never waited after date 3-4 for sex and yet in 31 years I slept with 3 men (each turned into a LTR partner). I don't know what's so 'special' about sex to keep it as a currency ... for me somebody 'holding off' to test me will be a deal breaker.

 

 

it varies for sure, but you should always only do what you're comfortable with. I've usually slept with guys within the first three dates and that's somewhat the norm for the people I know. I didn't really do a lot of dating around though and I usually know within the first date or two whether i'll be interested for at least a couple of months. It's not like I went on 3-4 OLD dates a week and slept with them all. I'd usually not agree to dates unless I was mostly sure I was interested.

 

I've slept with 2 guys in the past four years. One of them I met at a bar and went home with the first night - we dated for 2 years, still on friendly terms. The second one I met at a staff party, slept with him that night, and we've been dating for almost a year, living together for 3 months. I don't think people should follow RULES or that if you follow those you'll somehow unlock the key to true love. Just do what feels right to you and eventually you'll meet someone who feels right about the same things. There's no point trying to force two pieces together that just don't fit.

[katiegrl]

I didn't really do a lot of dating around though and I usually know within the first date or two whether i'll be interested for at least a couple of months.

 

I'd usually not agree to dates unless I was mostly sure I was interested.

 

The above is matching 100% with my approach. I never waited after date 3-4 for sex and yet in 31 years I slept with 3 men (each turned into a LTR partner). I don't know what's so 'special' about sex to keep it as a currency ... for me somebody 'holding off' to test me will be a deal breaker.

 

That is ditto for me! Hell, with my ex I knew (we both knew) the first night we met, and that lasted six years!

 

When you know, you know!

[LeslieWalsh]

You got to test drive the vehicle within those 5 times. It's enough to know if you want to continue seeing them.

[Gaeta]

 

I'd usually not agree to dates unless I was mostly sure I was interested.

 

 

But don't you need to date someone to know if you are interested in them?

 

When I met my boyfriend for the first time I had made up my mind before leaving I was not going to pursue. But on our first date he was such a gentleman and the following days too that I accepted a 2nd and 3rd date, still not knowing if I was interested.

 

Then we had sex and BOOM ! I saw him with different eyes. He metamorphosed in front of my eyes and from there I completely opened myself to him and to getting to know him.

[SwordofFlame]

From a guy's perspective who really values sexual compatibility in a relationship, the reasons for making me wait excessively could be due to:

 

1) She's using sex as a tool to manipulate or reward.

2) She has some kind of hangups about sex.

3) She doesn't really find me sexually attractive, but really wants to make it work anyway because of my other qualities.

4) She's just not ready yet, but the sex will presumably be terrific when she finally is ready.

 

I mean what are the odds reason 4 is the reason. The other three are definite deal breakers.

[kismetkismet]

But don't you need to date someone to know if you are interested in them?

 

When I met my boyfriend for the first time I had made up my mind before leaving I was not going to pursue. But on our first date he was such a gentleman and the following days too that I accepted a 2nd and 3rd date, still not knowing if I was interested.

 

Then we had sex and BOOM ! I saw him with different eyes. He metamorphosed in front of my eyes and from there I completely opened myself to him and to getting to know him.

 

This might be true for some for sure! but I know that for me, I've usually had a fairly good idea about whether i'd like to keep seeing him for at least a few months (definitely not perfect intuition for which ones will make great boyfriends ). however I think for me that's partly because I'm an introvert, super busy, and really dislike dating. I'd rather hang out by myself or with my friends than with someone i'm not pretty sure about. So it's possible I could have made it work with someone I didn't really give a chance to.. but i've never minded being single enough to try to force something.

[Gaeta]

So it's possible I could have made it work with someone I didn't really give a chance to.. but i've never minded being single enough to try to force something.

 

But it's the same question. How do you know someone is worthy of your efforts if you don't date them first?

 

If some guy give you his number you don't know him. How do you decide you are interested or not if you don't date him? You only base his worthiness on his looks?

[kismetkismet]

^^^ I should say though that with my last two boyfriends I slept with them before our first date haha. I'm not exactly the most traditional in dating clearly. Maybe the fact that i had sex with them already bolstered the attraction/connection? And both of those relationships i would consider successful, the first i'm still friendsish with and the second and I are talking marriage.

[Protec]

I don't usually have sex on first date but i've done it few times. Usually i wait 4-5 dates. It depends so much about about the other person, the place where you meet etc.