Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!

[No_Go]

Ok, but he can easily dupe you after months or years as well (as probably proven by your divorce)?

 

Would you be happy with a dude who makes you wait to 'test your genuine intentions ?

 

Lots of guys will. You have to go in very confident, like you are evaluating them and not the other way around, not worrying about how you come across and whether or not he'll put up with your style. Your style, he can take it or take a hike.

 

One of the reasons I don't have sex early with men I just met is that I completely hate hate hate having sex with a man who I later realize is a total *******. I feel angry to let an unkind person in my pants. It's like they duped me. Nope. First I'd find out who they are and I don't give a rat's ass on whether or not they'll wait. If they won't wait, they're not for me, period. I felt much more empowered that way and it worked for me perfectly.

[BluEyeL]

Ok, but he can easily dupe you after months or years as well (as probably proven by your divorce)?

 

Would you be happy with a dude who makes you wait to 'test your genuine intentions ?

My ex husband didn't "dupe" me. We met very young and married young and evolved in different directions. We had a 23 year relationship and a lot of what I've become is due to being with him. Yes now I'm telling youngsters to wait until late 20s to marry but that is a completely different discussion. I'm NOT comfortable sleeping with anyone just because I'm supposed to, before I'm comfortable and I know him at a level that I'm satisfied with, and I will never do it in someone else's terms . If I had sex early it would be because I wanted to and because I didn't care.

 

If a woman has to ask what is the "norm" with sex it means she's worried. And will have sex with men because she's worried and afraid not because she felt like riding that bike .

 

I don't care that he'll go for someone else , I don't care what the norm is , I ONLY care about what's good for my emotional and physical well being and that's what women should do. Put themselves first.

[BluEyeL]

Ok, but he can easily dupe you after months or years as well (as probably proven by your divorce)?

 

Would you be happy with a dude who makes you wait to 'test your genuine intentions ?

 

For the last part, yeah I'd be happy with such a man. Of course. He doesn't know me. That's what dating is about gauging who the other person is and if you're compatible. Trust had to be earned and for someone to give you something of value to them you have to earn that trust .

 

Look, if we are talking "norms " these days sex is easy to get and fewer women make men wait either out of genuine sexual freedom or whatnot or out of fear. The few who would make you wait don't have your values and you and he other on your team should leave them damn well alone to live their life the way they choose to. Men don't have to wait for them because there would not be compatible anyway.

 

The OP should wait until she is comfortable. It seems to be what serves her best. Katie shouldn't wait because she seems to have sex on her terms .

Edited June 23, 2016 by BluEyeL

[katiegrl]

 

Would you be happy with a dude who makes you wait to 'test your genuine intentions ?

 

That *test* doesn't work anyway .... as has been attested to many many times on this board (and off) ..... many men (not all) don't even know what they want *with that particular woman* until he has sex with her.

 

He may want a relationship (in general) and even be into her, but in many cases (again not all) sex is the make or break for many people.

 

Both men and women who were initially very interested have gotten turned off after sex. Harsh reality... again there are many posts and threads on this board discussing this.

 

So waiting does not guarantee anything... no matter how well you have gotten to know each other prior to.

 

In fact, I recall one thread where a woman said she and her bf waited months, he even told her he loved her, but then started fading pretty much immediately after sex.... and then ended it with her. It happens!

 

That said, I do agree with always being true to yourself and doing or not doing whatever is comfortable and feels right to you.

 

I just wouldn't recommend waiting for the sole purpose of *testing* a guy cuz you may end up being disappointed anyway, and by waiting you are more hurt because you are now more emotionally invested in the guy.

 

But other than that, totally agree always do what feels right and comfortable to you.....

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[LookAtThisPOst]

That *test* doesn't work anyway .... as has been attested to many many times on this board (and off) ..... many men (not all) don't even know what they want *with that particular woman* until he has sex with her.

 

And these are the kinds of men you stay away from and would probably fall into the player category.

 

In fact, I recall one thread where a woman said she and her bf waited months, he even told her he loved her, but then started fading pretty much immediately after sex.... and then ended it with her. It happens!

 

Some men are patient enough to wait it out I suppose, then "wham, bam, thank ya....ma'am!" They get what they want, and toss them aside and wash-rinse-repeat. They are unstable or it was probably their intention all a long to get laid and then leave.

 

So does this justify sooner rather than later?

Edited June 23, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[BlueIris]

That *test* doesn't work anyway ....

 

Right. So why does anyone even assume that it is a test? How does the brain make that jump?

 

There’s no test involved in waiting to see if you like someone enough or feel comfortable enough with him or her to have sex. (Unless you say that ALL dating is a test, that everyone is always deciding whether they want to be with this person.) It’s a personal decision and nobody else has to live that way.

 

But apparently there's a new thing: wait-shaming. But it’s just the same-old same-old: "if you don't do it my way, there's something wrong or bad about you."

 

Just break up with someone who thinks that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t do it their way, no matter what way that is.

[graysonfisher14]

I think there are a lot of girls who worry about getting pumped and dumped. So a lot of them think it's a good policy to withhold sex until they're sure of a guys intentions.

[Gaeta]

Right. So why does anyone even assume that it is a test? How does the brain make that jump?

 

There’s no test involved in waiting to see if you like someone enough or feel comfortable enough with him or her to have sex. (Unless you say that ALL dating is a test, that everyone is always deciding whether they want to be with this person.) It’s a personal decision and nobody else has to live that way.

 

But apparently there's a new thing: wait-shaming. But it’s just the same-old same-old: "if you don't do it my way, there's something wrong or bad about you."

 

Just break up with someone who thinks that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t do it their way, no matter what way that is.

 

I think there is a consensus on here, from the conservatives AND from the liberals, that OP should do what her heart dictates her to do. No one is pushing her one way or the other.

[BlueIris]

I think there is a consensus on here, from the conservatives AND from the liberals, that OP should do what her heart dictates her to do. No one is pushing her one way or the other.

 

Oh, I was addressing Katiegrl’s point about “tests,” one of the components of the discussion about how long people wait and why.

 

Yeah, it looks as though OP knows her own mind and heart, and that’s great. When you know your own heart and mind, others' perspectives or the majority opinion become an academic exercise and we’re less susceptible to being swayed by – or even care about- what others say or think of us. It’s the best.

[SwordofFlame]

If you value sexual compatibility highly in a relationship, I don't think it makes sense to wait too long. If you don't, well then who cares how long it takes.

[BlueIris]

I’ve had relationships where we didn’t have very good sex at first and I’m glad you didn’t decide based on one or two events because it became fantastic. And on another extreme, I’ve had relationships where the sex was great at the beginning, but ended or got “worse,” if you will, over time. So speaking only for myself, *I* can’t use early sex as the determinant of what our sex life will be like over time so I don’t put that much value on it no matter when it starts.

[katiegrl]

Right. So why does anyone even assume that it is a test? How does the brain make that jump?

 

There’s no test involved in waiting to see if you like someone enough or feel comfortable enough with him or her to have sex. (Unless you say that ALL dating is a test, that everyone is always deciding whether they want to be with this person.) It’s a personal decision and nobody else has to live that way.

 

But apparently there's a new thing: wait-shaming. But it’s just the same-old same-old: "if you don't do it my way, there's something wrong or bad about you."

 

Just break up with someone who thinks that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t do it their way, no matter what way that is.

 

My post was in response to this:

 

Would you be happy with a dude who makes you wait to 'test your genuine intentions ?

 

I don't know if some women test... I know many men think they do, and have posted about it.... but I can't relate to that sort of test, or any test, as testing is not part of what I'm about or who I am.

 

Not consciously anyway... I just behave in whatever manner I feel is right for me, in that particular situation. TBH though, I have been accused of testing by some men (two that I can think of offhand), but frankly that is their problem... I have no control over how a man is gonna interpret my actions. He can think whatever he likes.

 

But if he accuses me of testing .... unless he presents a really good argument for why he thinks I am....then that is a turn off for me.... NEXT.

 

Anyhoo, I am done arguing or discussing.... I have said my peace.... that women should do whatever they feel comfortable doing... be true to yourself, and if a man doesn't like it or it turns him off or whatever, next.

 

Same advice for men re women ...

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

[No_Go]

I agree with waiting (or not waiting) based on level of comfort.

 

What strikes me in your and other responses is that the woman should set the pace.... As if women are 'giving it' as a gift to the guy, not because they equally want/need the sexual activities. If we replace the word 'woman' with 'human' I'd agree with most.

 

IMO sex is neither a price/gift nor goal... Just an important part of communication between romantically involved partners. Good sex will not keep a bad relationship but bad one can break any relationship... So it is good to get where both parties stand early on (so as with schedules, money, friends etc... Why sex should be an exception?)

 

My ex husband didn't "dupe" me. We met very young and married young and evolved in different directions. We had a 23 year relationship and a lot of what I've become is due to being with him. Yes now I'm telling youngsters to wait until late 20s to marry but that is a completely different discussion. I'm NOT comfortable sleeping with anyone just because I'm supposed to, before I'm comfortable and I know him at a level that I'm satisfied with, and I will never do it in someone else's terms . If I had sex early it would be because I wanted to and because I didn't care.

 

If a woman has to ask what is the "norm" with sex it means she's worried. And will have sex with men because she's worried and afraid not because she felt like riding that bike .

 

I don't care that he'll go for someone else , I don't care what the norm is , I ONLY care about what's good for my emotional and physical well being and that's what women should do. Put themselves first.

[No_Go]

And vice versa - if one party wants to wait, they can't blame the other party for not meeting their needs in the waiting period.

 

I've dropped a couple of guys for doing anything physical (even kissing) for 3+ dates. It made me think they're either not attracted, not confident enough, date multiple people in the same time or have some other issues.

 

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

[katiegrl]

I agree with waiting (or not waiting) based on level of comfort.

 

What strikes me in your and other responses is that the woman should set the pace.... As if women are 'giving it' as a gift to the guy, not because they equally want/need the sexual activities. If we replace the word 'woman' with 'human' I'd agree with most.

 

IMO sex is neither a price/gift nor goal... Just an important part of communication between romantically involved partners. Good sex will not keep a bad relationship but bad one can break any relationship...

 

So it is good to get where both parties stand early on (so as with schedules, money, friends etc... Why sex should be an exception?)

 

That is a good question!

 

This isn't true for me personally.... but I think it's because for many women (and some men) sex leaves them feeling vulnerable, emotional and chemically bonded.

 

Something about Oxytocin being released which causes women to bond, emotionally and sexually, which I don't know if true, but I've read about it. More so with women than men.

 

But in any event.... it's a bit different than communicating about schedules, money, friends, etc.

 

With sex comes feelings and emotions.... so for some people, embarked upon more cautiously and prudently.

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I've dropped a couple of guys for doing anything physical (even kissing) for 3+ dates. It made me think they're either not attracted, not confident enough, date multiple people in the same time or have some other issues.

 

Another good point!

 

Which I would guess is precisely what goes through men's minds too when a woman wants to wait or isn't ready or comfortable for sex.

 

I don't think there is any easy answer here, except be true to yourself and hope whomever you are dating is on the same page..

 

If not, move on. Just like you did No_Go. And like many men do also when they feel a woman is taking too long to decide whether or not she wants to have sex with them.

 

They both send a strong message to the other.... whether right or wrong, consciously or not.

 

Low interest. Low attraction.

 

That may not be true and probably isn't.... but nevertheless, THAT is the message the other is receiving.

 

I think it's important to be cognizant of that.

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Yeah I'm afraid many men move on if woman hold off sex because of the above (think there is low interest), not because they were looking for 'easier prey'.

 

But this is very easily solvable if parties communicate preferences early on. In some sense I like OLD because of that... It requires confidence to express opinions about sex in person (e.g. I like taking it slow because of xxx reason). It takes confidence. But dating is a game for the confident anyway..

 

 

Another good point!

 

Which I would guess is precisely what goes through men's minds too when a woman wants to wait or isn't ready or comfortable for sex.

 

I don't think there is any easy answer here, except be true to yourself and hope whomever you are dating is on the same page..

 

If not, move on. Just like you did No_Go. And like many men do also when they feel a woman is taking too long to decide whether she wants to have sex with them.

 

They both send a strong message to the other.... whether right or wrong, consciously or not.

 

Low interest. Low attraction.

 

That may not be true and probably isn't.... but nevertheless, THAT is the message the other is receiving.

 

I think it's important to be cognizant of that.

[joseb]

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

 

I too would be interested to hear some feedback on this one.

[BlueIris]

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

 

How would you know? Do people ask?

 

I figure if you're just dating and getting to know someone you're not asking if they're having sex with other people, or their net worth or anything like that.

 

But maybe some people do ask.

[spmh1017]

Heres me being a stick in the mud..

 

I had 20 partners from 15-21 then got married. Was with the same woman for 15 years. After her just my Ex-GF and current GF

 

My GF is 32, never married, one LTR 6 years ago...

 

She has made two comments that have rubbed me wrong.

One, what many are saying about "You have to sample what your getting into"

Said to me "You never know, he could be into wierd stuff. Heck one guy cried afterwards."

Then she made a comment once while we were watching TV refering to the person dating on the TV show waiting 3 weeks. She said something along the lines of "Who can wait 3 weeks. That would be my limit!"

Then she jokingly laughed and said to me "Awwww, now your prob thinking about everyone you know I dated for at least 3 weeks.."

 

Sucks...I'm not a virgin...I had my "Got around" days...But I cashed in my 20's and early 30's and get so jealous that every girl I date or meet has prob more partners then I've had my whole life.

 

Toss it right up on my list of "stuff I feel insecure" about list.

[katiegrl]

How would you know? Do people ask?

 

I figure if you're just dating and getting to know someone you're not asking if they're having sex with other people, or their net worth or anything like that.

 

But maybe some people do ask.

 

I guess that^^ is what No_Go was referring to when she said men and women need to communicate more... so as to assure they are on the same page.

 

People are so afraid to ask the hard questions.... for fear of appearing too eager, needy, insecure, stepping on boundaries, turning the other off... or whatevs.

 

But how else are you gonna find out if the person you are dating is on the same page as you.... if you don't ask?

 

Open honest communication... I know for me, that is what I am going to strive for when I start dating again.

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

 

I'll bite.

 

I usually don't make a man wait.... but if I were inclined to make a man wait ... since I only date men I am 100% into (mentally, emotionally, physically), and am not a multi-dater myself.... if I discovered a man I had just started dating were having sex with others, while dating me, that would indicate to me he is keeping options open, and is a multi-dater.... which would also indicate to me we are not on the same page...therefore I would move on.

 

I wouldn't be mad at him, he hasn't done anything wrong, we are just on different pages with respect to how we feel and what we want... so no sense in pursuing further.

 

So I would graciously wish him well, and move on.

 

This goes for whether I am having sex with him or not....

Edited June 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[kalika]

I'm so confused

 

 

Yesterday he texted me asking how long my family was in town for (they're visiting and I have the week off).

 

I responded and told him my parents are leaving Sunday. Then he texted me back and said that he slept from 5 until 10pm the night before (Tuesday night) and then went back to bed at 11 and said, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

 

I texted him back, "Too tired Shouldn't have kept you up on Monday" .. Monday was the night we slept together. This text was at like.. 7pm last night. He didn't respond at all, and luckily for me, I was on my date and not sitting there stewing by my cell phone.

 

Then suddenly today at noon on the dot, he texts me asking, "Would you maybe like to get together tomorrow?"

 

It's been 8 hours since he texted me and I still haven't responded. Part of me wants to not respond at all and see if he calls, just to see how truly interested he is in actually seeing me tomorrow.. the other part of me wants to respond with something like, "Are you sure you even want to see me??" or something along those lines..

 

It's kind of annoying to me that I text him back almost immediately and then he takes hours to respond, if he even does at all.. and I'm not even sure what he wants to see me for at this point.. urgh I am so confused by him, and can't tell his level of interest at ALL

[PrettyEmily77]

Would the women who make a man 'wait' take issue if the guy was having sex elsewhere in the meantime?

 

I too would be interested to hear some feedback on this one.

 

Not so much take issue as next him at the first opportunity, only based on principle / theory. Exclusivity from date 1 or nothing for me; never been a problem. This cuts out serial / multiple daters, whom I have zero in common with. SO was the one who made me wait anyway.

Edited June 24, 2016 by PrettyEmily77