Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[kailah]

You simply don't get it. If you recall I said the two of you are immature and not capable of handling this situation. I never once said it was ok for him to call you names, however your simply using it as justification for your behavior. You want to chase this other guy and don't want to look horrible for wanting to do so.

 

Truth is the odds were almost zero that your ex would stay with you anyways, not only because what you did, but Because you just don't get it. You aren't equipped with the skills, not to mention you clear don't love the guy. I mean you were willing to toss him for someone you claim you just met and has no interest in you above your belt line.

 

 

You need to go back and re-read your posts. Almost every single one says something along the lines of "you can't just expect him to get over it and not be angry". You have never once said, he shouldn't be calling you a ****. He shouldn't be saying he hopes you die. He shouldn't be throwing in punches every chance he gets.

 

Or how about this:

Also if you treat someone poorly you should expect to be treated poorly in return

 

The only one delusional here is yourself.

 

Lines like this show even more that you are delusional "for someone you claim you just met" or "[it's] clear don't love the guy". And it shows that no matter what I say, and what is the truth, you and your little projection fantasy are set.

 

When I slept with Derek the second time, there was no chance of my ex and I getting back together. None. And there still isn't, not with the way he treats me. The verbal abuse is constant. It's not here and there it's every single day. So I will say it again. There was no chance that we were going to get back together. I may have stabbed a knife in the relationship but he has been twisting and twisting it since. So yes, when the opportunity presented itself to maybe pursue something with my child's FATHER I accepted. It failed. It backfired. And I own that decision.

 

So I will say it again. Go.

 

Wasn't the guy you're pursuing supposed to be a 'rapist'? Or is that brushed under the carpet now that the excuse of "not remembering" didn't work on the ex?

 

No. That is what people here said. My thread was never titled "I was date raped how do I tell my boyfriend". I literally said from the start that I cheated on my boyfriend and I didn't feel like it was rape. Another example of people who don't listen.

 

You expect that your ex is suppose to be moving on and forgiving you already?

And yet you have very little empathy and patients for why he is still angry? If your ex was posting, I would be telling him to run.

 

He is allowed to be angry. He is allowed to be hurt. He is allowed to not be over it. He is not allowed to verbally abuse me because of it.

 

As long as he thinks it's okay to treat me that way, we aren't going to have a second chance.

 

My stress level is through the roof. I cannot be this stressed out. It's not good for me and it's not good for the baby. Too much stress during pregnancy can have negative consequences.

[Try]

So I will say it again. There was no chance that we were going to get back together. I may have stabbed a knife in the relationship but he has been twisting and twisting it since. So yes, when the opportunity presented itself to maybe pursue something with my child's FATHER I accepted. It failed. It backfired. And I own that decision.

It was less than a month from the first time that you sleep with the other man to the time that you slept with him again in the hopes of "pursue something with my child's FATHER". You did not exactly give your ex much time to get over it now did you? Also, your comment where you refer to the other man that you cheated with as your "child's FATHER", although true, shows your ex just how permanent and important this other man will be in your life if the ex did decide to stay with you through this.

 

He is allowed to be angry. He is allowed to be hurt. He is allowed to not be over it. He is not allowed to verbally abuse me because of it.

 

As long as he thinks it's okay to treat me that way, we aren't going to have a second chance.

Your ex is in love with you which is why he is still talking to you at all. He has few outlets dealing with the fact that his life has been turned upside down through no fault of his own. He may not be handling his suffering and feeling of betrayal properly, but you show little if any empathy for your ex.

 

I noticed that you were not using birth control and knew immediately that for sure that it was the other man's child. This speaks to the limited sex life that you were sharing with your ex. I also noticed how quickly you were willing to commit to a long term romantic relationship with the other man (to the exclusion of our ex) if he would have you. To you, your ex is just another option, perhaps even just a plan B in all of this, thus you do not understand what he is feeling, or how hurt he must feel.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Have you broken the news to you parents that you didn't know Derek as a longtime friend yet?

 

You still seem to be hung up on your ex exposing you on Social Media. Again, you cannot control his behaviors, you can only control how you react to them. For some reason you seem to be holding onto this like Grim Death. That ship sailed, you need to let go of the outcome with your ex. Nothing will ever be the same with him. Ever. Just accept that.

 

After all, he can express himself anyway he wants to. It would not be my choice to put it on blast all over social media but in light of the bomb you dropped on him it is quite understandable.

 

One thing you must also realize. I know you bristle at some of the comments on your thread, but we are going with the information you provide. If you reread your posts, you might be able to glean as to why there are such visceral reactions to it. To say the twist and turns have been dramatic would be an understatement. They tend to probably be very triggery for many victims of infidelity. I think in many ways your responses come off to some of the posters as Cavalier.

 

To be frank, once you put something out there on a forum like this the reactions will always run the gamut between sympathy and disgust. So like anything else, take what you need and leave the rest. Please understand that our reactions are based on our own experiences. Many of us have had to learn the hard way about the darker side of love, myself included. So that is really what we have to go on.

 

I doubt anyone would have posted a response if they didn't actually care. Just remember that.

[Imajerk17]

I'm reading this thread and wondering why kailah OR her ex would even be entertaining a reconciliation. It just strikes me as selfish on her part especially. Is the OP looking for a male figure to help her raise her baby now that Derek says he doesn't want to? If so, well, that just sucks.

 

Look, what the OP needs to realize is that she and her ex are on completely different teams right now. I'm not seeing how she intends to "make it up to" her ex, because she just can't! For her to do so, she would have to put HIM first. This would include going No-Contact with Derek. However, she can't/won't do that, because her focus is on her coming baby (w Derek).

 

Not to mention, related to the above, her ex's extreme (justifiable) anger is likely not going away any time soon.

 

The best thing I could see the OP doing is to just tell her ex that she is sorry but there is no way there can be a reconciliation because she needs to focus on what is best for her coming baby, and so there is no way she could give him what he needs and deserves.

 

ETA: I actually don't think OP needs to go into detail w her parents about her hookup with Derek. That seems to me as none of their business.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Jabron1]

I doubt anyone would have posted a response if they didn't actually care. Just remember that.

 

Yep.

 

Help comes with accepting the basics of the situation first. Not trying to play silly-games.

 

"I forgot" was just nonsense, and led people to giving advice about 'rape'. And that has been the basis for all kinds of other tomfoolery in this thread.

 

Start as you mean to go on. The hamster has been in overdrive here.

[drifter777]

Of course your Ex isn't entitled to verbally or physically abuse you. Why you would think that any poster here endorses that behavior is ridicules and shows how immature you really are. Like most kids, you are not capable of taking a pragmatic view of your situation.

 

Once you confirmed your pregnancy any chance to reconcile with your Ex was dead. Yes, you could try but he would never forget or forgive and one of you would finally give in to the resent and contempt for each other that was building. Trying to get baby-daddy to step up and be a father is a good idea. That child will need a dad. But thinking you could get him to step up and be a good partner for you is, again, childish and simply not rational. You can't expect a ONS and subsequent FB-style hookup to blossom into a love relationship - especially when you already knew he was panicking over the fact that he knocked you up.

 

You only see what you want to see and that is perfectly normal for a child. The only thing about this that concerns me is that you are about to be a child raising a child. I believe a girl can grow up fast when faced with motherhood - I've seen it many times. So stop the drama with these "boys" and move forward with focus on your baby. Nothing else will matter to you 8 months from now so start getting prepared to be a mother.

[Art.at.Heart]

I'm reading this thread and wondering why kailah OR her ex would even be entertaining a reconciliation. It just strikes me as selfish on her part especially. Is the OP looking for a male figure to help her raise her baby now that Derek says he doesn't want to? If so, well, that just sucks

Well OP said:

Up until that point I had not said "let's try and work it out" nor had I given him hints that I wanted to. I told him that I couldn't deal with it at that point.

 

So there I was, in no way expecting to get back with my ex and Derek led me to believe (whether he meant to or not I do not know) that there might be some sort of chance between us. After the sex he said there was no chance of us being together, that he didn't want to be with me, didn't see me that way and didn't want to spend his life with me.

 

After that was when I decided to try again with my ex.

It may not have been her intention but it comes off looking like she wanted a relationship with Derek, was turned down, and went with her plan B.

 

As for why her ex is even with her, I'm learning more and more that men put up with stupid things when they're afraid of being alone. I don't care how much he loves OP; he's knows that there is not a chance in hell he can happily raise another mans child that is going to be the result of infidelity.

 

Lastly, I can't quite describe how interesting it was going through this thread that started with rape accusations and is now exposed as someone who just cheated. OP was right in one of her posts that other people put that on her even while she was denying it but she was still not fully truthful when it came to things with this Derek.

[DKT3]

Keila I found this gem from another woman who cheated it's amazing

 

 

Ok, sure his tone was mocking. I can imagine he sounded angry. Something my husband said that made so much sense to me was that I shouldn't be surprised that he got angry some of the time. I should be surprised that he wasn't angry all of the time.

 

At just 7 weeks out, it truly is amazing that any BS can hold it together for any length of time. So did I "bow down" to that kind of language? I wouldn't call it that. I think from the beginning I had a clear understanding that my betrayal hurt my husband more than I could possibly recognize. I also had a clear understanding that any anger or vitriol on his part was very uncharacteristic of him. It only verified just how much of an impact my betrayal made on him.

 

At just 7 weeks out, I didn't think to push for boundaries, nor did I feel the need to. I was in no position to preach about what a boundary should be. I was in no position to make any demands. I never once felt that my safety was at risk, although his anger frightened me only because I had never seen it before.

 

So "bow down"? I'm afraid not. I could only try to show empathy and compassion for the pain I had put him in. I could only show understanding and try to be there for him so he could see he wasn't in this alone. I felt shame and sadness when he went over details compulsively. I tried to understand when he thought he was going crazy darting from angry to loving to sad and confused all within an hours time, reeling from the dizziness and confusion of it all.

 

I had had enough of making my husband the bad guy and assuming the worst of him. It was time I had tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was time I listened to him, because believe it or not he had some gold in between the angry. What I learned, eventually, was that the less defensive I became and the more I really took ownership, the less angry he became. There was no longer a need to fight when I understood and agreed with much of what he said. Because the fact of the matter is, I was a real bitch and that is putting it lightly. I no longer am today and we both know the difference.

 

There is a difference between fighting for boundaries and fighting for truth. If your BH says you are a bitch, you simply change it to "yes, I know I acted like one. I am working on changing that". You can turn this around, but it will take a lot of effort and empathy.

 

 

[kailah]

Long story super short: had a one night stand with a stranger, got pregnant. Early-mid twenties in age.

 

The father knows I'm pregnant, doesn't want a child. He bounces back and forth on just wanting to be a monthly check, to wanting to have involvement but doesn't change his mind that he doesn't want a baby right now. He sticks around, we talk about things related to the baby/pregnancy. We've met up about 7 times since I told him I was pregnant. Just coffee or a walk to try and get to know each other. Problem is he doesn't want to put off the wrong signals and make me think he wants something more (romantic relationship). That's already happened and we ended up having sex again and me getting hurt. So now he's very cut and dried and most of the time emotionless. It's like trying to bond with a potato. Then I am trying not to get think we'll be something and that he wants more, or hold back so I don't confuse myself. I feed off his signals, which are very distant, so I act the same. Sometimes he'll open up and really talk to me, smile, flirt, touch me and it's really nice. Then he goes back to being distant because "he doesn't want to lead me on".

 

He wouldn't be trying to get to know me if he wanted no involvement with our child. We need to have some sort of co-parenting relationship, but it's like we're at a standstill. No progress is being made in going from "strangers" to co-parents.

[d409]

Long story super short: had a one night stand with a stranger, got pregnant. Early-mid twenties in age.

 

The father knows I'm pregnant, doesn't want a child. He bounces back and forth on just wanting to be a monthly check, to wanting to have involvement but doesn't change his mind that he doesn't want a baby right now. He sticks around, we talk about things related to the baby/pregnancy. We've met up about 7 times since I told him I was pregnant. Just coffee or a walk to try and get to know each other. Problem is he doesn't want to put off the wrong signals and make me think he wants something more (romantic relationship). That's already happened and we ended up having sex again and me getting hurt. So now he's very cut and dried and most of the time emotionless. It's like trying to bond with a potato. Then I am trying not to get think we'll be something and that he wants more, or hold back so I don't confuse myself. I feed off his signals, which are very distant, so I act the same. Sometimes he'll open up and really talk to me, smile, flirt, touch me and it's really nice. Then he goes back to being distant because "he doesn't want to lead me on".

 

He wouldn't be trying to get to know me if he wanted no involvement with our child. We need to have some sort of co-parenting relationship, but it's like we're at a standstill. No progress is being made in going from "strangers" to co-parents.

 

He very well could be trying to get to know you without wanting to be involved. You were supposed to be his one night of fun, it turned into a lifetime commitment. He could very well back out, he may feel like he has to be involved and the pressure will break him.

 

Or he does genuinely want to be involved and you need to stop making him think you want him to get down on one knee and marry you. Whether you want that or not it seems like he doesn't, end of story.

 

Keep trying to bond with your potato.

[noelle303]

I think it will happen with time.

 

There's currently no child in the picture (at least not physically), so it's awkward and weird. You two are strangers who have to get to know each other and there's this big elephant in the room and a ton of pressure. Plus, maybe the two of you simply don't have much in common other than the child, who once again, isn't here yet.

 

Once he or she arrives, you'll see how different it will be. You two will be working out the logistics, visits, money, pictures, stories and that will be your common ground. There won't be neither time nor need for anything else. That is also the most important part of co-parenting. You two don't necessarily have to friends immediately, as long as you are nice and civil to one another and work towards raising your child. A friendship will probably grow over time simply as you know each other longer and get more comfortable around each other.

[kailah]

He very well could be trying to get to know you without wanting to be involved. You were supposed to be his one night of fun, it turned into a lifetime commitment. He could very well back out, he may feel like he has to be involved and the pressure will break him.

 

Or he does genuinely want to be involved and you need to stop making him think you want him to get down on one knee and marry you. Whether you want that or not it seems like he doesn't, end of story.

 

Keep trying to bond with your potato.

 

I know that at any point he could run. I hope it doesn't happen and try not to think about it but in consumes my thoughts often.

 

So how do I make him stop thinking that? I already made a fool of myself so I understand why he's holding back.

 

I think it will happen with time.

 

There's currently no child in the picture (at least not physically), so it's awkward and weird. You two are strangers who have to get to know each other and there's this big elephant in the room and a ton of pressure. Plus, maybe the two of you simply don't have much in common other than the child, who once again, isn't here yet.

 

Once he or she arrives, you'll see how different it will be. You two will be working out the logistics, visits, money, pictures, stories and that will be your common ground. There won't be neither time nor need for anything else. That is also the most important part of co-parenting. You two don't necessarily have to friends immediately, as long as you are nice and civil to one another and work towards raising your child. A friendship will probably grow over time simply as you know each other longer and get more comfortable around each other.

 

You're right. It is quite awkward and weird without having the baby here. We don't seem to have much, if anything, in common. We're just playing a waiting game. I'd at least like to be comfortable with him by the time the baby comes.

 

One thing I'm afraid of is not knowing him well enough to be comfortable with him around our baby. I don't want to leave my baby with someone I don't trust, it will be hard enough as it is.

 

He wants to go to a movie tomorrow. I guess we just have to keep on getting use to each other in our lives.

[devilish innocent]

I know that at any point he could run. I hope it doesn't happen and try not to think about it but in consumes my thoughts often.

 

One thing I'm afraid of is not knowing him well enough to be comfortable with him around our baby. I don't want to leave my baby with someone I don't trust, it will be hard enough as it is.

 

So you're scared of him running away but you're scared of him staying as well? I think you need to put some faith that whichever decision he makes will be the right one. What he wants to do is probably the single best predictor you have of what he should do. Either way, it's not going to be the end of the world.

 

I know a number of children whose sperm carriers have never been involved in their lives. These children are all doing fine. In some cases, the mother ended up meeting a new guy when the child was quite young, and they have always known that guy as their dad. In other cases, the child's extended family have stepped in to help. You never know how life will turn out, but I think the chances are high that you'll meet someone sooner or later. If not, based on your other thread, it sounds like you have a supportive family. You will have a support system, and your child will have other loving adults in their life regardless.

 

On the flip side, it would help to remember that he has no reason to be involved in the child's life unless he actually wants to be there. If he was just going to neglect the child, he could walk away. If he decides to be involved, it will be because he has good intentions. Most likely that would only be a positive thing for the child.

[kailah]

This post is about this issue and this issue alone, my other thread is irrelevant. I need someone to help me make sense of this because I cannot understand what is going on.

 

Recap... Two months ago I had a one night stand with a random guy, didn't use protection and got pregnant. 6 weeks ago I told him that I was pregnant, in those 6 weeks I've seen him 8 times for coffee, walks, movie, lunch. Some days he's very open and flirty, other days he's cold as a rock and completely shut off.

 

He keeps saying that he doesn't want a relationship with me, and doesn't even want a baby but he'll do the right thing and stand by his child. He says that he doesn't see me that way and we'll never have a relationship together. But his actions and words don't always line up. Sometimes he is very distant, but sometimes he's not...

 

4 weeks ago we had sex and he said it was a mistake and I misread his signals. He kissed me first and was being extremely affectionate, so I disagree but ok. The moments leading up to the sex, during and immediately after he was extremely affectionate and flirty. After he said it was a big mistake and never should have happened. Then a couple days ago we went to a movie together. During the movie he held my hand most of the time and made out with me a few times, always initiating. When the movie was done he initiated going to get dinner so we did. He flirted most of the night and kissed me again. Right before we said goodbye he became very distant again.

 

So if he really doesn't see me that way and doesn't want a relationship or anything to do with me romantically, what is going on? Is he just trying to force himself to like me? I don't care what the situation is, I don't want to be someones pity date. He goes from making out with me sex or flirting, to being completely closed off and like I'm the most disgusting or craziest person on the planet. If I ask him about it he just says it was a mistake or a judgement error.

 

I have a lot going on right now with being pregnant, university, work, preparing. I'm just trying to get to know him to I know the father of my baby and it's messing with my head. I just want this to go as smoothly as possible and the stress is boiling over. I just want to get to know him without all the mind games.

[VeveCakes]

He likes the sex... but listen to his words.

 

I would reconsider having this baby.

 

This is no family life to bring a child into.

[dpass]

He just wants sex. Worry free sex. Not like he can knock you up twice.

 

He got distant after dinner because he realized that sex wasn't going to happen.

 

He doesn't want to be with you, he wants to be inside you.

[kailah]

....great. And I can't even cut him out of my life.

[basil67]

I reckon he feels like he's well and truly stuck. Possibly trying to make the best of a really bad situation. And yes, perhaps get a bit of action while he's around.

[basil67]

....great. And I can't even cut him out of my life.

 

Actually you could cut him out of your life if you made the choice.

 

Are you really sure you want to bring a baby into this situation? A mother who's not done with school and a father who didn't ever want him/her? It's a very poor start for a child.

[O'Malley]

I'd keep the lines of communication open and amicable, without sex or romantic expectations on the table. If he does turn out to be irresponsible and avoidant, that's on his conscience and at least you will have done the best in the circumstances.

 

It's a stressful situation for both of you. I think trying to force a romantic connection here - when neither of you sought a relationship in the first place - is going to muddy the waters and could create bigger problems down the line. Even if he does decide to take on a parental role after your child is born, and that's up for grabs given his current behavior, there's a likelihood that you two will never be anything other than acquaintances who share a child.

 

I'd also take him out of the equation as far as your decision making. Are you prepared and content to raise your child on your own? Do you have a strong support structure?

[kailah]

For me abortion is not an option. I know what being a single mother means and I know that it will be difficult. I also know that it isn't a death sentence for the baby. I know married couples who did a horrible job parenting and single parents who did a great job, and vice versa. Being single doesn't automatically mean you'll be a horrible parent and your child will have a horrible life. Whether he stays in the picture or not, I can give this baby a good life. I can afford it, I have support from my family, I want it.

 

I don't really want him to stay around if he's only doing it because he feels stuck. I want him to want to be in our lives, not hate it.

 

I talked to him today and he messaged "I'm a good guy, I want to do the right thing. That means winding you into my life as much as possible because you will always be there. I flirt and make advances because you show that you want them. I respect women, I wouldn't coax you to have sex. Everything we've done is because you initiated. If the woman doesn't want sex I respect her enough not to push it."

 

But I don't. In the beginning ok yeah I did pretty much throw myself at him. But not lately. Him telling me that I wasn't his type, we'd never be together, I'm not relationship material and I'm a mistake put an end to it pretty fast. He initiates everything, even if I have my walls up.

 

So confused. I just want to get to know him so I know who my babies father is. The one time I said no to hand holding he said something like "I was wrong this is good for us [all of us]" and kissed me. Then later said I initiated. By saying no?

 

Maybe I have social issues.

[266696687]

For me abortion is not an option. I know what being a single mother means and I know that it will be difficult. I also know that it isn't a death sentence for the baby. I know married couples who did a horrible job parenting and single parents who did a great job, and vice versa. Being single doesn't automatically mean you'll be a horrible parent and your child will have a horrible life. Whether he stays in the picture or not, I can give this baby a good life. I can afford it, I have support from my family, I want it.

 

I don't really want him to stay around if he's only doing it because he feels stuck. I want him to want to be in our lives, not hate it.

 

I talked to him today and he messaged "I'm a good guy, I want to do the right thing. That means winding you into my life as much as possible because you will always be there. I flirt and make advances because you show that you want them. I respect women, I wouldn't coax you to have sex. Everything we've done is because you initiated. If the woman doesn't want sex I respect her enough not to push it."

 

But I don't. In the beginning ok yeah I did pretty much throw myself at him. But not lately. Him telling me that I wasn't his type, we'd never be together, I'm not relationship material and I'm a mistake put an end to it pretty fast. He initiates everything, even if I have my walls up.

 

So confused. I just want to get to know him so I know who my babies father is. The one time I said no to hand holding he said something like "I was wrong this is good for us [all of us]" and kissed me. Then later said I initiated. By saying no?

 

Maybe I have social issues.

 

Take sex off the table. Do not let him initiate anything. He is using you for sex at this point. A good guy wouldn't claim to be a 'good guy' his actions and words would match up and he'd be treating you with more respect. He has got the audacity to say you wanted it. The flirting and sex. Like he had no say in it at all. Not taking any responsibility for his actions. Absolving himself of responsibility. These are not the words or actions of a good guy,

 

I'm sorry to tell you this but you should pull back from him. Only talk to him about the child and find a way to co-parent. He has plainly and clearly told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. Have enough respect for yourself to walk away from him romantically and keep things on a strictly platonic basis.

 

The very fact you have allowed him to initiate sex and kissing knowing he doesn't want to be with you will lower his respect for you. He thinks you want him so badly that you'd lower your entire expectations of parenthood and a relationship just to get any piece of him he is willing to dish you out. All on his terms of course. No strings attached because he has told you he doesn't want a relationship yet you've still allowed him sex and dinners ect?

 

This is a crazy situation to be in.

 

Pull away and make strict boundaries with him. No relationship = no freebies!

 

Co-parenting only. Be very clear with him. Then see how long he sticks around.

[O'Malley]

Whether he stays in the picture or not, I can give this baby a good life. I can afford it, I have support from my family, I want it.

 

I don't really want him to stay around if he's only doing it because he feels stuck. I want him to want to be in our lives, not hate it.

 

Focus your energies on your well being. I'd shelve any feelings you had for him - you weren't in love and most likely you would never have had a relationship with him - and try to maintain cordial, platonic relations with him for the sake of your child.

 

You can't control how he feels about becoming a parent or what he will do long term. Worrying and stressing about him won't change the outcome. Focus on your plans for raising your child, seek appropriate child support from him, and keep those people in your life who are supportive of you.

[basil67]

I talked to him today and he messaged "I'm a good guy, I want to do the right thing.

 

Yep, exactly. He's stuck in situation and trying to make the best of it.

 

No, you probably wouldn't be in his life if not for this, but he now has no choice in the matter.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

For me abortion is not an option. I know what being a single mother means and I know that it will be difficult. I also know that it isn't a death sentence for the baby. I know married couples who did a horrible job parenting and single parents who did a great job, and vice versa. Being single doesn't automatically mean you'll be a horrible parent and your child will have a horrible life. Whether he stays in the picture or not, I can give this baby a good life. I can afford it, I have support from my family, I want it.

 

 

Very proud of you. I know a single mother who actually never told the father. She has raised a great kid and while I am sure it is not easy street for her, she never regrets having her son who is now 14. He never deserved a death sentence.