Is it really healthy to know everything about the A if reconciling?

[RecentChange]

Like I mentioned earlier in the thread, there were some details he asked, that I second guessed the wisdom in asking. And that wssnt to protect myself, it was to protect him, and his ego.

 

Did he REALLY want to know what I found attractive about the OM? Did he really want to know about his physique? (What was I supposed to say? He was hot, fit and hung - what good does that do?)

 

I answered truthfully where, how many times, when, all that sort of stuff.

 

And I was able to truthfully answer that the OM didn't get any special, nothing that we had never done etc.

 

Guess my guy has the sense not to ask about details like positions - what's the point? (Again, OM didn't get anything"new" from me).

[ladydesigner]

I can see how that's upsetting bc I couldn't take someone that just won't tell the truth even when caught. I have to ask, have you ever gone after him, physically? I'm against any kind domestic abuse but I don't know if I could hold back in that situation.

 

I have let's just say I am very lucky not to have gotten arrested for it either. I have hit my WH on 2 occasions, both times he was lying to my face... go figure.

 

I have better control over my emotions now. It took me a while to get to a point where it doesn't matter if I react or not (as I have never even laid a hand on any of my SO's in the past).

[dichotomy]

 

What was I supposed to say? He was hot, fit and hung - what good does that do?

 

And I was able to truthfully answer that the OM didn't get any special, nothing that we had never done etc.

 

 

 

Back to my two concerns from some BH's view points on sex only (there are other issues of course)

 

1) Were you better for the OM ? In your case - the answer might be NO - OM got nothing extra from you that you don't give him. So your man is not settling for less sexually from you by staying.

 

2) Was the OM better for you? Well - perhaps in your case saying OM was "hot, fit, and hung" the answer might be YES OM was better for you. In this case your man might not want to stay understand your settling for less with him.

 

However in any case this is just my view point - every B.S. has to decide what information they need or want to decide to stay or go. Sometimes I think it simply comes down to what has been lost and what would be the benefit to staying - after being betrayed. Everyone has to understand what the line is...

Edited June 21, 2016 by dichotomy

[katielee]

Bc the reality is just bc someone is a BS doesn't mean all of a sudden they don't have faults. Like this girl I was talking about, she's crazy, even before the A. I'm glad he chose to leave instead of containing the cheating. The point not all BS are some sweet little spouse waiting so nicely at home while WS is having an A. Not every cheater is the devil & not every BS is a saint.

 

has nothing to do with telling the truth.

[Whoknew30]

has nothing to do with telling the truth.

 

Yes, it does sometimes. My H cousin's wife told the truth & he committed sucide. Not a day goes by that she doesn't regret saying certain things to him, yes she cheated but he wasn't mentally right to begin with which is why their marriage suffered. It goes from situation to situation, we've had 2 sucides & my cousin shot up between my H & I over the "truth". It goes by person & if one doesn't know a BS personally, they should be careful on what advice to give bc you never know how someone is going to react.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, it does sometimes. My H cousin's wife told the truth & he committed sucide. Not a day goes by that she doesn't regret saying certain things to him, yes she cheated but he wasn't mentally right to begin with which is why their marriage suffered. It goes from situation to situation, we've had 2 sucides & my cousin shot up between my H & I over the "truth". It goes by person & if one doesn't know a BS personally, they should be careful on what advice to give bc you never know how someone is going to react.

 

If the spouse knows the bs so well and how they would handle knowing the truth, why cheat? That seems exceptionally cruel.

[Sub]

Yes, it does sometimes. My H cousin's wife told the truth & he committed sucide. Not a day goes by that she doesn't regret saying certain things to him, yes she cheated but he wasn't mentally right to begin with which is why their marriage suffered. It goes from situation to situation, we've had 2 sucides & my cousin shot up between my H & I over the "truth". It goes by person & if one doesn't know a BS personally, they should be careful on what advice to give bc you never know how someone is going to react.

 

I understand your point to a degree, but you can't not give advice based off of a worst possible case scenario, IMO. I feel badly that those situations occurred within your circle, but they're outliers. In the situation with your H's cousin, maybe it was the cheating that pushed him over the edge, not the telling.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You cannot predict how anyone is going to react in any given situation. Period.

 

We are all wired differently and respond differently.

 

I cannot even predict how I might react to something myself. When my husband had his affair...my reaction surprised me. I think within myself I felt I deserved it for what I had done to him.

 

When I committed adultery...his reaction surprised me....I thought he would immediately divorce me.

 

We both chose to stay.

 

My husband is quiet...he only gave me the details I asked for. I am a talker....I spilled my guts.

 

I told too much....and I cannot take back all the details I gave.

 

This thread has given much advice.....but the feeling I am getting here is from folks who have had time to think about and evaluate their infidelity situations. The responses are contrived...because hind sight is always 20/20.

 

But when you are in the moment..chances are you have never thought about how you might respond or react. You probably have not read any books on the subject. You probably have not discussed it with a therapist.

 

You don't know how much to tell...or what to tell...or how to tell it. Your life is out of control and you are trying to reel it back in.

 

I was not thinking clearly...which is how I allowed myself to be in this situation to begin with. So I certainly was not thinking clearly when I confessed. I certainly did not think about "how" to do it and plot and plan the best way.

 

I simply told the truth. I told too much....and I cannot undo it....just like I cannot undo what I did to begin with.

 

My husband was suicidal for many years....I knew he was fragile...and yes it would have been my fault had he succeeded to take his life. But it would not have been because I told him...or because I told him too much.

 

It would have been because I cheated in the first place. Let's not lose sight of the TRUE problem here. The infidelity...the choice to cheat is the real issue. Not whether or not we told the truth or told too much when we confessed.

[Sub]

(What was I supposed to say? He was hot, fit and hung - what good does that do?).

 

This goes back to the security thing, as well as....I don't know...how realistic a person is. I am NOT "hot, fit and hung". It's just how it is. But in the grand scheme of things, it's just a piece of the bigger picture that is an R or an M, or more specifically a sex life. You can say your AP is all those things, but if your decision is to stay and R, there's always the "but" that comes after it. I think it's hard for a BS to focus on what they are and not what they aren't once they've found out their SO has strayed.

[understand50]

Mrs JA,

 

You are right, hind sight is 20/20. John, was placed on the road to Hell, with your act of cheating. Whatever was reveled, or told, was not what the caused his pain, it was your infidelity. I am not John, so I do not know if I had not had the whole story, if that would have been just as bad.

 

I do believe that honesty is the only way to get over this. I also, know, that each of us are different, and each couple needs to find their own way. We as a group, can only give advise, or tell what we did. So, maybe you two found your path, and in hind sight, you wish you did things different, but you both did what you could knowing yourselves, and trying to overcome this huge hurt at the time. At the time, what you did may have been what was needed. May have been the only thing that worked. It is what it is, and can not be changed. Just as your cheating cannot be undone. The fact of it, must be dealt with. The fact of my wife's ONS, and her overspending, had to be, and still must be dealt with. What you and John can say, is that you did not just rug sweep it all and just pretend nothing happened.

 

In infidelity, there is no check list to follow, just general guide lines. We have good ideas of what works, but the real practice can be tricky. You have to feel your way along until you find what works for you and if you are reconciling, for your spouse. This is what we have done, but more on my side then hers. She has just followed.

 

So going back to the first question.

 

Is it really healthy to know everything about the A if reconciling?

 

Answer: Depends on your situation, and on you and your partner, but the BS in entitled to know what details, they decide they need to.

 

When in doubt, be honest.

 

As always, I wish you both luck.........

 

 

You cannot predict how anyone is going to react in any given situation. Period.

 

We are all wired differently and respond differently.

 

I cannot even predict how I might react to something myself. When my husband had his affair...my reaction surprised me. I think within myself I felt I deserved it for what I had done to him.

 

When I committed adultery...his reaction surprised me....I thought he would immediately divorce me.

 

We both chose to stay.

 

My husband is quiet...he only gave me the details I asked for. I am a talker....I spilled my guts.

 

I told too much....and I cannot take back all the details I gave.

 

This thread has given much advice.....but the feeling I am getting here is from folks who have had time to think about and evaluate their infidelity situations. The responses are contrived...because hind sight is always 20/20.

 

But when you are in the moment..chances are you have never thought about how you might respond or react. You probably have not read any books on the subject. You probably have not discussed it with a therapist.

 

You don't know how much to tell...or what to tell...or how to tell it. Your life is out of control and you are trying to reel it back in.

 

I was not thinking clearly...which is how I allowed myself to be in this situation to begin with. So I certainly was not thinking clearly when I confessed. I certainly did not think about "how" to do it and plot and plan the best way.

 

I simply told the truth. I told too much....and I cannot undo it....just like I cannot undo what I did to begin with.

 

My husband was suicidal for many years....I knew he was fragile...and yes it would have been my fault had he succeeded to take his life. But it would not have been because I told him...or because I told him too much.

 

It would have been because I cheated in the first place. Let's not lose sight of the TRUE problem here. The infidelity...the choice to cheat is the real issue. Not whether or not we told the truth or told too much when we confessed.

[dichotomy]

Withholding details and information.

 

I sometimes think its not about hurting BS or making them suffer more - its not about BS at all really - its still all about the WS...and their aggravation when confessing their behavior and their wanting to stay married or stay married and retain some shred of respect, value, worth, love from their BS.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Confessing... Especially when the bs has no idea infidelity has occured... Is most definetly about the ws. Otherwise... Why would you tell at all?

 

The excuse that you are "saving" your bs pain is somewhat ridiculous... You already caused the pain... Caused the fracture.

 

You as the ws have already weakened the realtionship. Confessing just gives the betrayed their right to choose what they want to do about it.

 

You can keep it a secret but it will always be there... Whether you tell or don't.

 

You as the wayward know...and that in itself can further destroy the relationship.

 

I do not regret telling... Or I think about how it would have saved him torment... But would have keeping it a secret also destroyed us?

 

We cannot what if our life away. It is what it is.

 

I gave him back his right to choose how he wanted to deal with the situation I had created. Perhaps I should have asked him his thoughts about it to begin with instead of making a decision that would clearly affect both of us.

 

No... I owed that much to him... To let him decide.

 

My confession demonstrated my sincerity in how I had learned from my choice. I was willing to suffer the consequences.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If I asked a question, it was important to me. If I didn't ask it, it wasn't important to me. So do I know EVERY detail? Probably not. But I know the important ones.

 

I wanted to know about the sex. When. Where. Where I was at the time. What her cover story was. Protection. Etc..

 

I couldn't have given a rat's ass about the "relationship" side of it, which she kept trying to tell me was the only side she was really interested in.

 

As I think back on it now, she really wanted to explain that whole side of it to me, but I wasn't interested. I was trying to decide whether or not she was going to be dead to me, and her wanting to discuss attention seeking behavior problems wasn't helping.

[Liam1]

Like I mentioned earlier in the thread, there were some details he asked, that I second guessed the wisdom in asking. And that wssnt to protect myself, it was to protect him, and his ego.

 

Exactly. Withholding details is to protect the hurt spouse.

 

Once the affair is exposed, how would withholding details protect the WS?

 

Personally, I was not worried about my spouse divorcing me. In fact, if she was not able to get past the affair, I would prefer she divorced.

 

I, in fact, offered my wife an easy divorce with more than half the assets.

 

My wife and are both quite capable of finding someone new, if we wanted to. We chose to stay married.

 

My wife did not want the details. The counselor asked her if she wanted details and she said, no, it would feel like voyeurism.

 

Personally, I think it is cruel to mention too many details.

 

Guess my guy has the sense not to ask about details like positions - what's the point? (Again, OM didn't get anything"new" from me).

Exactly, what is the point?

 

What purpose will it serve except to create mind movies.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Liam1

[wmacbride]

This is just my opinion, but I wonder if the reason some ws don't tell is that, quite frankly, it's uncomfortable to do so.

 

Telling the details would force them to face what they have done, in concrete terms. While some ws do this willingly, for others, it's much more difficult.

 

for these ws, they can't handle it if they have to look their bs in the eye while they admit the details of something that hurt them so much. They just aren't in a place yet where they can be hit , head on, with the fallout of their choices.

[Sub]

Exactly. Withholding details is to protect the hurt spouse.

 

I kind of have to chuckle at the air of nobility that comes with this statement. How sweet and "protective".

[wmacbride]

Exactly. Withholding details is to protect the hurt spouse.

 

Once the affair is exposed, how would withholding details protect the WS?

 

Personally, I was not worried about my spouse divorcing me. In fact, if she was not able to get past the affair, I would prefer she divorced.

 

I, in fact, offered my wife an easy divorce with more than half the assets.

 

My wife and are both quite capable of finding someone new, if we wanted to. We chose to stay married.

 

My wife did not want the details. The counselor asked her if she wanted details and she said, no, it would feel like voyeurism.

 

Personally, I think it is cruel to mention too many details.

 

Exactly, what is the point?

 

What purpose will it serve except to create mind movies.

 

some ws don't get it at all.

It's not the details that are the problem, it's that the cheating occurred at all in the first place that is the problem.

 

It's also disingenuous for a ws to claim they won't give details the bs asks for because they don't want to hurt their spouse. The A already did that.

[wmacbride]

I kind of have to chuckle at the air of nobility that comes with this statement. How sweet and "protective".

 

I'm put in mind that movie line that goes " The truth? you can't handle the truth!":D

 

I can only speak for myself, but I am an adult, and if I ask a question, it's because I want to know.

 

I can certainly understand a ws advising the bs to let a bit of time pass before they decide that they really want an answer to a question, but to suddenly claim they won't answer it because they don't want to hurt them it very odd.

[TrustedthenBusted]

"withholding" eh?

 

I tell you, I had had my fill of withholding. If I asked a question, and suspected there was an ounce of withholding in the answer, I asked it again....and again.....and again until I got what I felt was the whole answer.

 

You can usually tell when you get the whole answer, by the pit you feel in your stomach.

 

But I learned early that the pit in my stomach fades a lot faster than the hole in my chest that needed the answer in the first place.

[Liam1]

I agree on lot that you say minus the WS is just protecting themselves. "Some" BS really can't handle hearing the truth & can act a little crazy.

 

If a WS knows their spouse better than anyone maybe they just know they're not capable of hearing certain things.

 

I had sex but nothing like what you're explaining that your H did

 

& when my H asked questions i hesitated not bc i was ashamed but bc I know how he is & now he tells me he regrets asking me certain questions bc I was so honest.

 

My wife wisely did not want to know the sexual details, either.

 

the reality is just bc someone is a BS doesn't mean all of a sudden they don't have faults. ...

 

The point not all BS are some sweet little spouse waiting so nicely at home while WS is having an A. Not every cheater is the devil & not every BS is a saint.

Very true.

 

Sadly the inability for the BS to see their own faults is likely why so many reconciliations fail.

 

If my wife were not able to see her faults clearly, I would have preferred to divorce.

 

Also, for the BSs who say they no longer love or respect their WS the same way, after an affair......... then why stay married?

 

The advice on loveshack from most BSs is always this big push for someone to divorce if they are unhappy rather than having an affair.

 

They say it's the right thing to do.

 

Well, then if the BS is so unhappy and they no longer love or respect their WS, then why do they not rally themselves to divorce rather than staying and browbeating the WS forever.

 

It's odd and hypocritical.

 

Emotionally abusing a WS by constantly berating them and attempting to make them feel bad about themselves is just as bad as cheating, IMO.

 

Basic psychology does not encourage shaming or berating in a healthy relationship. In fact, doing so dooms a relationship to failure.

 

If my wife were doing that, I would be gone in a nano-second.

[Sub]

I'm put in mind that movie line that goes " The truth? you can't handle the truth!":D

 

I can only speak for myself, but I am an adult, and if I ask a question, it's because I want to know.

 

I can certainly understand a ws advising the bs to let a bit of time pass before they decide that they really want an answer to a question, but to suddenly claim they won't answer it because they don't want to hurt them it very odd.

 

And beyond that: even if that was the case - the WS is just trying to protect the BS - the expectation that most BS's would believe that in the face of such a discovery is pretty presumptive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And how do you Liam know that someone else's betrayed spouse is berating them?

 

There is a difference in expecting the truth and expecting honesty and expecting appropriate behavior and berating.

 

My husband holds me accountable for my actions.. He does not sugar coat it and pretend that I acted out because he was a jerk...

 

It doesn't matter what his behavior was at the time of my betrayal...I made my choice to cheat and there were other options.

 

I proved that I was incapable of making good decisions that not only affected me but also affected him.

 

He never berated me... But I am certainly aware of what he thinks about my actions.

 

Had he rolled over and played dead I am not sure we would still be together. I am glad he had enough self respect to hold me accountable.

[Lobe]

Emotionally abusing a WS by constantly berating them and attempting to make them feel bad about themselves is just as bad as cheating, IMO.

 

There's a big difference between holding your WS accountable and berating them, and if being asked to reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth makes the WS feel bad about themselves then we are back to the WS trickling to protect themselves and NOT the BS...

 

R is not easy and I feel there is no single path to salvation, though, and I'm glad you and your wife are able to meet in the middle and are working things out.

[Liam1]

There's a big difference between holding your WS accountable and berating them, and if being asked to reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth makes the WS feel bad about themselves then we are back to the WS trickling to protect themselves and NOT the BS...

 

R is not easy and I feel there is no single path to salvation, though, and I'm glad you and your wife are able to meet in the middle and are working things out.

 

Lobe: The poster's original post and questions asked:

 

 

If a couple is really wanting to work out their marriage & get to the bottom of the A, do BS really think it's healthy to know every single detail, if A is truly over?

 

My H & I got into this discussion last night & he says he regrets asking me questions about the sex part of the A, that he was in shock & allowed his ego to ask questions that he never really wanted to hear the answers to. I never asked for details on anything bc I didn't care. Once I wanted to work on our marriage i didn't care about the details of the A, just that we decided to work on it.

 

If a BS is constantly interrogating the spouse like a Nazi commandant, that is not a healthy need to know. That is abuse and a thinly disguised attempt to try to induce guilt or shame. ...or maybe something else, but nothing healthy.

 

It has nothing to do with accountability.

 

Accountability is admitting to the affair. That's it.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Liam1

[Mrs. John Adams]

If a bs is still asking questions it is because they are still trying to put the pieces together... It is because they still don't have everything they need to understand and heal....

 

There is no timetable on healing... As a matter of fact it continues on a daily basis.

 

I would not be offended if even today 33 years later my husband asked me a question... I would answer it as honestly as I could. Now with time... My perceptions and feelings about things have certainly changed and I might even get something out of sequence on the timeline.

 

He does not ask anymore .. But I believe he forever has the right to ask and I owe it to him to tell him the truth.