I’m addicted to cheating on my wife [updated 2016-06-14]

[Steen719]

Joh - I believe that sex addiction may be a real thing; I can't swear to it, But here is the thing. If it is and you feel as bad as you say you do, then for everyone's sake, go see a sex addiction therapist. Telling you wife and involving her in therapy IF you want to save the marriage is essential.

 

If you want the rush and feel of new sex partners and prefer to continue to do so, then do it. But, divorce your wife first.

 

This is the thing, as a BS, that I always have an issue with. WHY DON'T PEOPLE JUST LEAVE? Really. Money, safety net, social standing, hubris...what is it? I admit that I would not have liked it one bit if my EX had come to me and said he wanted out of a 22 year marriage after I had taken care of his sorry, sick a**, but my relationship with him as a co-parent to my son and my son's relationship with him would have been much better. I don't respect him, his son doesn't respect him, he lost more than a marriage - this is true. When I see these programs about husbands killing their wives because they are involved with another woman and they don't want to divorce because of the money and then they lose everything, I can't help but think they are stupid as a box of rocks.

 

I just don't get it.

 

Leave your wife if you want to continue. Get treatment if you want to stay or even if you just want to improve your own life.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

At this point it would be kinder to just ask for a divorce.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Scarlett.O'hara

[Joh]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

[Moxie Lady]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

Yes it is better to tell her everything because then she will have a clue what kind of health care issues you have inflicted on her.

 

Also if you are "sex addicted" then you need to tell her all so that she gets it. A bunch of one night stands with strangers is way different than an affair or two.

 

And if you tell her, what are you going to do then? Keep on cheating? Go to inpatient therapy? You do see thats the only way to possibly fix you, right? What is your plan?

[dreamingoftigers]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

You see a CSAT and ask how to divulge all of this to her so you can minimize her trauma.

 

That DOESN'T MEAN 'I can cheat my fool head off and not tell her because THAT would hurt her.'

 

It means get to a CSAT!

[BettyDraper]

If he truly has an addiction (which it sounds like) it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love his wife, he has a problem. He's definitely broken & is starting to realize it, which is a step in the right direction. Does it make it ok, of course not but addiction in anything is a very tough battle. If he spent all their money to gambling, no would say "you don't love your spouse" sexual addiction is no different. I also wonder if any of this is happening while consuming alcohol, away from home sitting at bars is also a way to go in the stray wrong direction.

 

If he loved his wife, he would have sought help a long time ago.

The OP has also said that he would sleep around whether his wife stayed with him or left, which indicates that he has some kind of choice in the matter.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

Of course you don't because then you have to take responsibility for your actions. Tell her the truth!

[AlwaysGrowing]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

 

All you have left is the truth. All of it.

 

She needs to know the enormity of the risk she is at. With the truth...all of the truth, she can make informed decisions for herself. Do not handicap her. Do this one solid thing for HER. Put aside any misplaced ideas/thoughts of being the guy who wants to spare her hurt and humiliation. That ain't you. That isn't what you have done.

 

As a man, you have no idea how much more at risk women are from STI's. A woman's organs are internal. We can't see them. They go through many changes during the month, year to year, decade from decade. It is so very easy to miss small changes that can literally kill us. Add to that....being exposed to high risk sex that one is not aware of....your poor wife isn't getting the tests she NEEDS.

 

Are you at all aware....that if your wife has been performing oral sex on you...and you are carrying HPV (no tests for men) , your wife can get throat cancer.

 

You have an ethical duty to inform her based on the high risk that you have exposed her to. It is just that simple.

[summerdowling87]

1.Please don't bring another innocent baby into your mess you already have kids that will suffer if your BW finds out.

2. If your W does get pregnant she'll go to the GYNO they do test what if you give/gave her something and your innocent baby gets it what will you do?

-(Also since you're your BW only partner if you give her something what will you do? How will you explain yourself?.

3. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you stay?

[S2B]

At this point it would be kinder to just ask for a divorce.

 

And spare her the trauma of who you really are - opposed to who she THINKS you are.

 

It was bad enough processing one cheating episode when I was married - processing ALL of these would be utterly devastating and too much to handle.

 

I'd suggest telling her you don't know how to be faithful - and that she DESERVES a divorce to be free from all your betrayals. That's all I'd say.

[summerdowling87]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

Tell you that you don't love her enough to stay married.

Tell her to go and visit her gynecologist/doctor so she can be tested.

Make and arrangement to be more helpful with your children.

[S2B]

Above all other things - do NOT bring more children into your messed up life! If anything - get a vasectomy - you could potentially have many children you don't even know about.

 

Your wife deserves to have a man that considers her feelings within the marriage - and that's not you.

 

I can't imagine though, you having custody 1/2 time with the three kids if you divorce.

 

But your wife is used to living without you around and making it work so no sweat for her.

 

Your inability to perform with your wife is a mental block you have - it's guilt on your part that keeps you from being capable of staying hard - and finishing. The only way to get past it is to become not guilty - but I think you're way past that accomplishment.

 

The marriage is toast. Mainly because you've made it a farce with your lies and cheating.

[whichwayisup]

Please refrain from completely bashing, I am here for help not to hear how terrible of a person I am. I have been married to my wife for 7 years and together for a total of 10 years. My wife is 31, I am 37. I have been cheating for 8 years. It’s become -or maybe it always has been- an addiction to me. I need the rush and excitement of seeing another woman. I’ve joined numerous dating and sex sites, including paid ones that I hid in another bank account that my wife is unaware of.

 

I do not hate my wife, in fact, I love her. She is a great woman and takes care of our family. She has worked extremely hard to get where she is today in her career and life. She makes 6 figures and is in a high demand career; read: very busy. She continues to raise our kids wonderfully. She is a good partner but I would be lying if I said I was totally satisfied with the marriage. If I were, I wouldn’t be cheating. Her priorities are our kids, as they rightfully should be, our own relationship between the two of us as taken a back burner.

 

Between my wife’s high demanding career and my career that takes me out of town regularly, it has been the perfect set up for cheating. I am out of town for at least 2 weeks at a time. The normal schedule is 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. But there has been many, many times when I am gone for longer, sometimes up to 2 months. We have separate bank accounts so she has never noticed paycheck discrepancies. Not sure she would notice regardless, we make over $200K together and are never “counting pennies”. It is very easy to tell my wife I am working on-site longer and spend more time with OW.

 

I have had 2 solid relationships go on. One lasted a year and the other lasted 3 years. There have been numerous flings that last a few months and many hook ups. I am not proud to say, that I have slept with about 30 women during my marriage. I am not proud of it but cannot stop myself from doing it. I initiated marriage counselling but because I have never admitted my cheating it didn’t accomplish anything. To the best of my knowledge, my wife is not aware that I am cheating. She has had suspitions at time but I thus far have managed to convince her otherwise.

 

I don’t want to lose my wife and family. They are very important to me. When I cheated for the first time I thought that would be it. That I needed a little release and things would stay fine with the relationship (not married at the time). However it was like a quickly spinning deep hole that sucked me in and I couldn’t stop. I cannot get over the thrill of seeing another woman naked and touching her body and experiencing her. The thrill of not knowing if I will be caught. Having many women want and enjoy me makes me feel good. Watching another woman please me. I get turned on just thinking about possible other women I could have.

 

I know it’s wrong. I have tried to stop many, many times but I always find myself back in bed with another woman who is not my wife. I know I am a terrible person for doing this to my wife and family. I know the health risks I am taking and the risks of losing or humiliating my family. I know my wife and family deserve better. I want to be better for them. I have been going to individual counseling to try and get to the roots of WHY I'm cheating but so far it has not helped.

 

You are an addict and the only way to save yourself and your marriage is to 1)go to counseling and 2)confess to your wife 3)go to counseling with your wife as well.

 

Get tested for STD's and make sure your wife does too. You could have exposed her to numerous diseases (especially ones that lead to cervix cancer).

 

Not going to beat you up since you truly seem you want help and you've been very honest and vulnerable by opening up. Please, do counseling to help you get your life back on track. You love your wife and the life you've created with her? Then fight hard and fix "you" so you can BE the man she married.

[whichwayisup]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

 

If your marriage has any chance, best to come clean and tell her everything. She deserves to know the truth..ALL of it, even if it's hard to tell her, do it because it's the right thing to do.

[Tayla]

And spare her the trauma of who you really are - opposed to who she THINKS you are.

 

It was bad enough processing one cheating episode when I was married - processing ALL of these would be utterly devastating and too much to handle.

 

I'd suggest telling her you don't know how to be faithful - and that she DESERVES a divorce to be free from all your betrayals. That's all I'd say.

 

Agree. Full disclosure isn't going to undo anything .

 

I find these other victims equally accountable. Are they aware of your behavior? Who's daughters are these that they sleep with married men? I met a guy like you once and it lasted three minutes. it took one minute to access the dude, another minute for him to do his selling spiel and the last minute was my grabbing my purse and laughing that such a guy thought so ill of my upbringing. My mamma didn't raise no fool. Let's hope your wife gets that opportunity to say that. It's liberating.

[trolloperative]

You won't stop, even after confessing and/or therapy. Maybe for a little while until things get comfortable then the cycle will start again. Your wife's self esteem will dimish some every time she catches you, and your respect for her will also dwindle each time she takes you back. And it's only a matter of time before you catch an STD.

[S2B]

Agree. Full disclosure isn't going to undo anything .

 

I find these other victims equally accountable. Are they aware of your behavior? Who's daughters are these that they sleep with married men? I met a guy like you once and it lasted three minutes. it took one minute to access the dude, another minute for him to do his selling spiel and the last minute was my grabbing my purse and laughing that such a guy thought so ill of my upbringing. My mamma didn't raise no fool. Let's hope your wife gets that opportunity to say that. It's liberating.

 

The other victims?.... He probably introduces himself as a single guy. A LOT of MM pretend to be single.

 

Jon - do you give your number out? Do youcarry a burner phone for that? Do the OW ever contact you?

[merrmeade]

My wife is so unsuspecting. Is it really better to tell her everything. Or just tell her that I've cheated? Thinking I've slept with one or a couple other women will hurt her enough. I don't particularly want to tell her the full extent. Especially if she will want a divorce. Why punish her with all the details if she would want a divorce from much smaller details? I don't need to put that on her.

God, just let her free already. The reason you tell her everything - besides her basic right to know - is so that she can, perhaps, minimize her suffering by moving into outrage and indignation after the inevitable period of shock.

 

You can't avoid it and you can't fix it. You're here, hoping to find the wherewithal to stop so that you can make it all up to her by being a model husband and putting that past behind you forever. But it will take much more than LS advice to do that.

 

Look, you have a serious problem, and you will not get over it without serious treatment, which includes admitting your addiction to those you've betrayed. Whether or not you can be faithful to your wife is a moot point. If she knew the extent of your outrageously scandalous secret life, she should want out (which, of course, is why you don't tell her).

 

She will find out sooner or later for several reasons. (1) You can't stop or get better until you get help. (2) You can't get help without telling her. (3) You also can't get better unless you openly confess what you've done and say you hope some day she can forgive you, although it will be impossible, given the extent of your infidelities, for a long time. You cannot possibly expect her to take you back, but you can hope for the possibility that one day she'll pity you enough to forgive you. But that can't happen until she is free and clear of you, secure and safe in a new situation without you.

 

As for you, thinking you deserve or even might be given forgiveness is counter to your recovery. Thinking that you can get better while maintaining the status quo and keeping your secret buried is counter to your recovery. Not telling her is not an option. By perpetuating the status quo, YOU will not change. From here on out, it's only a matter of time before you get caught.

 

Either way, she doesn't deserve to suffer, and you don't deserve her. So the very kindest thing you can do is tell her the WHOLE truth so that she won't want to have anything to do with you. Admitting the truth of your problem, the whole truth - and losing her and your family - is the only way you'll save yourself. It's way too late to think you have a right to forgiveness.

[Mr Blunt]

By JOH

When I'm home and back with my family I feel like a complete a-hole. I wonder how my wife could ever love someone like me and why my children look up to me. Because they don't know who I really am is the answer. I want to do better for my family and wife. I want to be better. Then I go back to work....

 

My therapist wants me to go to an in-patient treatment center. To get 1:1 therapy in a closed setting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say you love your wife and children but your actions tell us that you love the excitement that those women give your penis more than your wife and children.

 

The fact is that YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF and that is because of what you are doing.

 

Your therapist has suggested that you go to an in-patient treatment. If you do not go then you are just playing games with everyone. In addition, if the in-patient treatment does not get you where you want to go then you try another method. The reality is that if you really want to get a lot better then you should go after treatment as much as you go after other women. You have the ability to go after what you want so chose which one you want because you cannot have both.

 

If you do not do what you know you should do then you will eventually lose your wife and the respect of your children. If that happens chances are that your wife will wind up with another man that she can please sexually and that will be good for her.

 

From what you have described you have a GREAT wife that many men would love to have.

The bottom line is that you are going to have to do everything to get yourself fa lot better. I am not suggesting that you talking about your self-hatred but you TAKING ACTIONS NOW!!!!

 

You either take actions or you will be a pitiful defeated man without the ability to recover.

You can rationalize to yourself that I am just bashing you then that way you can shift the focus off the facts.

 

 

Are you going to quit talking and take actions to get a lot better or not?

Edited June 5, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[lemondrop21]

What would you tell your wife ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Presumably just that he's away on business since he's gone half the time anyway.

[S2B]

When any person has no self control and no conscience - it's very dangerous.

 

What do you plan to do about that Joh?

[PrettyEmily77]

You're not addicted to cheating on your wife, dude; you've just made a series of really poor (and reckless) choices behind your spouse's back for reasons better known to yourself.

 

Own them by telling her - that'll start your 'recovery'.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Joh.....

 

I am not a qualified therapist ....but I do see some traits of the person in your story that i think need to be addressed. I believe you are a bragger....probably because in reality...you don't have a whole lot to be proud of...so you feel the need to impress and exaggerate by making up unbelievable stories and situations.

 

I don't believe you are addicted to sex....I think you addicted to lying... but i think you WANT to think you are addicted to sex.

 

Regardless... If any part of this story contains true facts or not....the one thing very evident to me is that you need professional help. Please get yourself into individual therapy as soon as possible.

 

A person that feels the need to act the way you say you have...has some truly deep issues that need to be addressed....and the good folks here at Loveshack are just not equipped to do that. They will try....because they truly want to help.

 

But your situation....goes way beyond anything we can address here.

[S2B]

This is the kind of man who should never be married.

 

I bet that "thrill" is gone when he's no longer married... As in, the cheating aspect is taken out of the equation.

 

What was your relationship like with your Mom growing up?

[strugglinghubby]

This just breaks my heart...

The poor woman.

 

This cuts very close to home for me, that's exactly the way it was for me with my WW. OP you have no idea what this will do to her when she finds out, it will tear her apart from the inside, her life will never be the same again. Here you have a woman who has committed herself to you, thinks about you all the time, puts your feelings first. You need to find a way of seeing past the superficial state that you're currently living in. That false rush that you get and never lasts, it's because you haven't yet figured out how to 'plug in' to a deeper meaning in a relationship. Once you can do that you will see that excitement and sex with you W will be amazing, every time. Instead of not being able to stay hard or finish, you'll be trying to concentrate on holding yourself back. Because the thought of someone giving you such a huge gift that your W has, in terms of her commitment, love and support, will drive a deep attraction and lust inside you every day that a superficial rush can never measure up to.