ladydesigner Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I never understood the point of getting married and then having affairs. It seems like it would have been better for the OP to stay single. Yeah me either. I think my WH got married for appearances so that he looked like a 'good person.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
urmysong Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I don't understand this either. Get married and having affairs. If not contented to one woman why bothers to marry? My husband keep repeating this "I am free person, I can do whatever I want and I can talk whatever I want". Why did he marry me if he wants to stay free. Maybe they just want or like having to call a wife.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. The statement is a compliment to our higher senses, not a way to feel superior. Most women in particular are extremely intuitive. My main point is that he may think he's pulling something over on his wife but he's really not. Wow, guess that's another example of how my second X chromosome was totally defective. I also don't like shopping for shoes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. The statement is a compliment to our higher senses, not a way to feel superior. Most women in particular are extremely intuitive. My main point is that he may think he's pulling something over on his wife but he's really not. It would be wonderful if this were true but sadly it's just not. And if it was, wouldn't it also apply to OW who are future faked? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 In my opinion, this is some of the worst possible advice for this situation. When someone is married, they are one half of something larger than themselves. this is not his lie to keep to himself. He has several other people to consider, especially his children. He can either tell her the truth and give her the gift of being able to emotionally detach from him far more easily, or keep his extracurricular activities to himslef and just tell her he wants a divorce, If he does that, he'll burden her with forever wondering what it was that she did wrong to drive him away. I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 It would be wonderful if this were true but sadly it's just not. And if it was, wouldn't it also apply to OW who are future faked? I was thinking the same thing. 100%. I don't think we have "all of the intuitive knowledge of the universe" at our fingertips. Plus we are blind for 40 minutes a day. It's not like we are infallible by any stretch. You?re completely blind for 40 minutes a day. | Did You Know? The irony is that I'm sure most people believe that they can get a lie by their spouse. Yet, somehow, their spouse "must know the truth." Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I've known lots of very intuitive men too - it's not just a female thing. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. As in: by cheating on his wife, he's screwing his children over as well. And frankly, as the daughter of an adulterer, I got the 'pleasure' of discovering my father's adultery. The longer he screws around on his wife, the more likely something ] like that will happen. Talk about damaging..... There was another incident on LS where the son looked at his Dad's phone and found out. And the father fed his kid a string of BS about it. As that kid gets older, he will know what a lying, ahem [adulterer] his father is. And that may normalize how he treats women. Or he just might hate and resent his father or mother. Or all of the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I wonder if things went according to plan in the therapy session. I hope so for the everyone's sake. Everyone - OP included. After all that's been said and done, I honestly am impressed at OP's quick response and tactical handling of the disclosure in the therapist's office. Call it whatever, using the therapist was a good idea imho. The guidance will be helpful if there are to be survivors. Everyone will need help with what's important now and what's not, what to do tomorrow and the next day and the next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. One of the first questions she will probably ask when he tells her he wants a divorce is "why". are you suggesting he lie to her? say he's not happy? She'll just keep asking why and blaming herself. The children need both parents to be as mentally healthy as possible Having a mother who is left blaming herself for the failure of her marriage to their father doesn't exactly set the stage for that happening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Joh, how did it go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. How much did you tell her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. you did the honorable, right thing. "quit your job" sounds like she's blaming the job. I hope you spent the rest of the session with the therapist. I also wonder if there is a group that you could join for your problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. Joh, You did the brave and honorable thing. No matter what happen going forward, you can face it know you are not hiding. This took guts, and I know you feel bad right now, but you can have a better future. It will take hard work, but it is yours. I wish you luck...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Did you reassure her it's not the job, not the travel - it's just that you don't know how to be faithful? Sounds like she's trying to find blame outside of you. It's possible she's trying to figure out how to stay with you. Did you say you intended to end the marriage? Quitting that job doesn't mean you magically becom faithful. What did the therapist suggest? For you? For her? Was there any mention of intensive help for you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction. I'm glad that she is taking time to plan her next move. That's a smart decision considering the blow your wife has just taken. I feel so sorry for her. I'm glad that you told your wife the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction. I think it was a natural reaction, she's doing the same thing almost every BS does on D-Day - think like a spouse. You haven't yet processed that your marriage has been torn asunder so your immediate thought is to limit access to the AP(s). HB and the "pick me" drill often follow. Watch out a couple of days from now when she's had time to think things through ... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction. This. I said the same thing. Immediately. Even though that would have had severe consequences for us and our family. I didn't care. I just needed SOMETHING to happen in that moment that I felt benefited ME and I wasn't yet ready to understand that her quitting her job would result in nothing except reduced income, more stress, blah blah blah... I don't judge the wife for blurting that out at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sabella Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I'm really proud you were able to finally come clean about this to your wife. I know things are probably a hot mess right now, but you did the right thing. How are you feeling about things now? There will be a lot more discussion ahead for both of you, be strong and be honest. That's all you can do right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. You've opened the door to a life of healing and growth. Keep walking. Best wishes to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) I told her everything in therapy session.She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said sheneeded time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. gethelp, I need time to process and think' She got a least one thing absolutely right,GET HELP! You have taken the first step so now youmust be focused and greatly determined to get the right help so that you canbeat this very destructive addiction. Do not just talk the talk but walk thewalk! Your family life and emotional health is at stake! Edited June 10, 2016 by Mr Blunt 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 All the major details. How long I had been doing it, how many women, that it was every time I went to work and I extended my stays, that it's the reason I can't have sex with her, relationships I had, certain times I cheated in our relationship (when I was stressed). How I feel before, during and after. That I can't stop. I didn't go into the finer details like exact details like she may ask for one day. My therapist started the session by talking about addiction in general then that I had an addiction. My wife assumed it was gambling, then drinking, then drugs. It basically came out like "Then what [addition] is it?" "Sex" "We rarely have sex" "With other women" "Excuse me?" I didn't mention divorce at all. I told her the main details and she didn't stick around after that. My therapist tried to talk to her but she couldn't do it and walked out. My therapist set up another appointment next week - I'll see if she shows up. He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. He said it would be better to have my wife on board before because I won't have much if any contact with her during treatment. I haven't talked to her much since that day. All she has said is if I go back to work Sunday we're done and that I need to quit and get help. I asked if she's going to go to therapy again with me but she wouldn't respond. I know I need to go with my therapists recommendations. I don't want to leave things with my wife like this. I don't want to be away from my kids or have my family suffer alone. My wife told her parents, who she is staying with atm, that I have a drug addiction. It's not even what my problem is but I am more than embarrassed to be around them again. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 If you don't seek help you wont be helping the situation. The only way she is going to take you seriously is if you seek treatment. Right now that is the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage. It sounds like there is a glimmer of hope here, don't screw it up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 All the major details. How long I had been doing it, how many women, that it was every time I went to work and I extended my stays, that it's the reason I can't have sex with her, relationships I had, certain times I cheated in our relationship (when I was stressed). How I feel before, during and after. That I can't stop. I didn't go into the finer details like exact details like she may ask for one day. My therapist started the session by talking about addiction in general then that I had an addiction. My wife assumed it was gambling, then drinking, then drugs. It basically came out like "Then what [addition] is it?" "Sex" "We rarely have sex" "With other women" "Excuse me?" I didn't mention divorce at all. I told her the main details and she didn't stick around after that. My therapist tried to talk to her but she couldn't do it and walked out. My therapist set up another appointment next week - I'll see if she shows up. He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. He said it would be better to have my wife on board before because I won't have much if any contact with her during treatment. I haven't talked to her much since that day. All she has said is if I go back to work Sunday we're done and that I need to quit and get help. I asked if she's going to go to therapy again with me but she wouldn't respond. I know I need to go with my therapists recommendations. I don't want to leave things with my wife like this. I don't want to be away from my kids or have my family suffer alone. My wife told her parents, who she is staying with atm, that I have a drug addiction. It's not even what my problem is but I am more than embarrassed to be around them again. I told my support people that my husband had a gambling addiction instead of a sexual addiction for a few reasons: 1. He went for inpatient treatment and I didn't want them to think he was some kind of deviant or criminal. 2. I didn't want to be blamed or it suggested that I didn't "give him enough sex" or "the right kind." The truth was he was withholding. 3. Gambling addiction is "more acceptable." 4. I was really, really embarrassed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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