I am stuck

[sandylee1]

It's not like that. I want husband to be happy. I hate what this has done to him. He doesn't deserve it.

 

I'm focusing on my kids right now because it's all I can do.

 

I cried at work yesterday like a blubbering mess. It just all came out. The end of my marriage but also the end of all my hopes and dreams for my life.

 

And it's all my fault.

 

I have been very selfish and The realization that I am not the good person I thought I was hurts me the most. I don't know what I am.

 

Not so much what THIS has done to him, but what YOU have done to him.

 

You are unhappy about the end of your hopes and dreams, yet the writing was on the wall and you were never going to end the affair.

 

Divorce is so much worse when one person has cheated, yet every cheater thinks they'll never get caught.

 

No one here or in the entire universe could have got you to stop the affair. ....and many of us tried to. Sometimes you just have to experience the horror of a dday for yourself and face the consequences of your choices.

[William]

I did a quick scan of the last page of posts and viewed many discussing aspects of forum interaction rather than the topic; since they occurred prior to any directive from moderation, I'll give benefit of the doubt and consider that postings from here on will address the topic in accordance with our guidelines and be responsive to the most current update from the thread starter, who requested the thread be reopened. Thanks in advance for your cooperation!

[whichwayisup]

It's not like that. I want husband to be happy. I hate what this has done to him. He doesn't deserve it.

 

I'm focusing on my kids right now because it's all I can do.

 

I cried at work yesterday like a blubbering mess. It just all came out. The end of my marriage but also the end of all my hopes and dreams for my life.

 

And it's all my fault.

 

I have been very selfish and The realization that I am not the good person I thought I was hurts me the most. I don't know what I am.

 

You've hit rock bottom. No where to go but up and fix yourself. Yep, you've messed up, made some real bad and selfish choices but you will get through this. You've owned it all along so how your husband has reacted isn't a shock.

 

Do counseling, it'll help you get your life back on track and also help you be the woman you're meant to be.

[MuddyFootprints]

You've hit rock bottom. No where to go but up and fix yourself. Yep, you've messed up, made some real bad and selfish choices but you will get through this. You've owned it all along so how your husband has reacted isn't a shock.

 

Do counseling, it'll help you get your life back on track and also help you be the woman you're meant to be.

 

I've seen a lot of rock bottom, you aren't there, yet. It is coming though.

 

BTDT.

[Amillionpieces]

If this is not rock bottom I don't want to know what is.

[loveisanaction]

Amillionpieces....This is your chance to do the right thing.

 

DDay is here, it was inevitable.

 

Your life has just been turned upside down. I think everybody is allowed one day to have a pity party but let's call a spade a spade...Your life has been turned upside down because of what YOU did..

 

Your pity party needs to be over; wipe those tears, wash your face, get up and begin to repair the damage you have caused your family. People have been hurt because of what you have done. This isn't about you anymore. You do not count right now; your feelings, your married man, none of those matter right now. You've had your you. Now, it's about your husband and your children and the destruction you have brought upon their lives.

 

Our actions will either have a consequence or a reward.

 

Your actions will have consequences, it's time to face them.

Edited June 12, 2016 by loveisanaction

[malvern99]

How are you holding up today amillionpieces?

[Amillionpieces]

I went to try and talk to husband yesterday he wouldn't. He said he couldn't.

 

I had my kids for a few days and then yesterday after dropping them off I came back and slept. then went to bed and slept. I can't get enough sleep.

 

I'm not drinking. Haven't since dday.

 

I have IC at 11.

 

My step mom suggested I write husband a letter. I'm going to run that by my therapist. Seems like a good idea.

[66Charger]

Why do you want to talk to him?. What could you possibly say, to make this better? I am sure a apology is the last thing he wants to hear. Work on yourself and be a good coparent. . Are you still talking to your mm? If so, dont write the letter.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi million,

 

[] Could you write a short note on [what you asked for help with] and why you are asking?

 

Advise on how to get OM to commint to you and build a life with him?

 

Advise on how to help your spouse heal?

 

Advise on how to help yourself heal?

 

Advise on how to co-parent?

 

To date seems you have engaged in a free floating stream of conscious. From my reading of your posts I see a person who engaged in an adulterous exit affair. Who at this time is still having trouble accepting that she wanted out of a dead marriage.

 

So, we need guidance. Could you pick one or two of the topics I mentioned and write a brief paragarph or two?

Edited June 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussion of moderation redacted ~6

[whichwayisup]

I went to try and talk to husband yesterday he wouldn't. He said he couldn't.

 

I had my kids for a few days and then yesterday after dropping them off I came back and slept. then went to bed and slept. I can't get enough sleep.

 

I'm not drinking. Haven't since dday.

 

I have IC at 11.

 

My step mom suggested I write husband a letter. I'm going to run that by my therapist. Seems like a good idea.

 

He isn't ready to talk to you so please, respect his decision and give him the space he needs. When he's ready he'll reach out and talk to you. DO this ONE thing for him, out of respect. This isn't about you, it's about respecting his wishes by accepting he won't discuss this with you right now. If you push him or write a letter when he isn't ready to 'hear' what you have to say, you'll make it even worse.

[Lobe]

I can't get enough sleep.

 

Your body is helping you avoid pain while helping you answer your own questions. Writing a letter to your BS is just the beginning of your recovery, regardless of whether the marriage survives or not. You owe him the dignity of knowing that what has happened and is happening was your selfishness. take full responsibility for your actions or you will never stand a chance of healing your relationship enough to co-parent peacefully let alone reconcile.

 

What books have you read? Did you get a list?

[Amillionpieces]

Hi million,

 

[] Could you write a short note on [what you asked for help with] and why you are asking?

 

Advise on how to get OM to commint to you and build a life with him?

 

Advise on how to help your spouse heal?

 

Advise on how to help yourself heal?

 

Advise on how to co-parent?

 

To date seems you have engaged in a free floating stream of conscious. From my reading of your posts I see a person who engaged in an adulterous exit affair. Who at this time is still having trouble accepting that she wanted out of a dead marriage.

 

So, we need guidance. Could you pick one or two of the topics I mentioned and write a brief paragarph or two?

 

 

This is excellent. Really powerful for me.

 

I want answers to all those questions. And more.

 

God, I'm a mess.

 

Today I texted my husband "I'm sorry, really sorry" he replied "for what" and I said "everything". He said " me too".

 

It's the only conversation we've had not about the kids since dday 8 days ago. I'll give him all the credit for communicating about the kids and keeping them out of it. We get along great as parents but still I thank him for being civil about the kids even if he can't talk about anything else.

 

My kids. seriously. They have to be my focus. The other day I blow dried my 14 year olds long blond hair. It's something I haven't done in a long time. We both enjoyed it. 9 and 14 year old slept with me in Nannys big bed. I had 2/3 with me. My birthday is this week and the kids are all over it which is fun. And reassuring. My insidiscretions have nothing to do with my parenting. I am an excellent mother.

 

This week I help my husband with paperwork. He is filing bankruptcy. I need to get everything ready because I handle the bills. We'll have to talk. Won't we?

 

If we divorce or stay together we need to be civil and friendly. In time, I know.

[Amillionpieces]

Oh, I forgot a very important piece. Today I told MM that we shouldn't talk anymore. He has a job offer somewhere else today I told him he should take that. It's sad, we're both hurt. I can't look at him because he has caused me my whole family while he sails off into the sunset. He can't look at me for the guilt of what has happened to me and my family but at the same time he needs to keep me close to keep me quiet.

 

I'm sick of it. I asked him to leave his wife. He said no. So that's that.

[Lady Hamilton]

So you asked him to leave his wife, he said no, and now you're cutting off contact? Or you cut off contact and then asked him to leave his wife?

 

It sounds like you were still pursuing MM post d-day when you were making efforts to reconcile with your husband...

 

Yeah, you haven't hit rock bottom yet. Not even close.

[whichwayisup]

Oh, I forgot a very important piece. Today I told MM that we shouldn't talk anymore. He has a job offer somewhere else today I told him he should take that. It's sad, we're both hurt. I can't look at him because he has caused me my whole family while he sails off into the sunset. He can't look at me for the guilt of what has happened to me and my family but at the same time he needs to keep me close to keep me quiet.

 

I'm sick of it. I asked him to leave his wife. He said no. So that's that.

So if he had said yes, you'd divorce your husband? Now that he has said no, there's a pretty good chance you're going to give your H time and space, then maybe ask to give you a second chance to make things right? Or will you divorce your H regardless and just be good co parents to your children?

 

Your affair is far from over. You know it and so does he. Sadly your H probably knows it too.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Oh, I forgot a very important piece. Today I told MM that we shouldn't talk anymore. He has a job offer somewhere else today I told him he should take that. It's sad, we're both hurt. I can't look at him because he has caused me my whole family while he sails off into the sunset. He can't look at me for the guilt of what has happened to me and my family but at the same time he needs to keep me close to keep me quiet.

 

I'm sick of it. I asked him to leave his wife. He said no. So that's that.

 

I would agree with one of your former statements - where you said you are an excellent mother. You can be both a great mother and a terrible wife- trust me I know this.

 

I have to agree I do not think you are ready to end your affair. My advice for you is to cut this MM man out of your life - NC if you see him at work walk the other way. If you really want to reconcile with your husband then cut out MM and focus solely on being a mommy and figuring out what your husband needs right now. Your other option is to take some time to focus on the mommy business and to focus on you- maybe you don't want either your MM or your husband but you really shouldn't even talk to MM right now. You have caused your husband a lot of pain- start making some hard decisions so you do not cause him any further pain.

 

I know it sucks. I have not had a D-day but I have cut MM out of my life. I am working through how to confess to my husband so that we can figure this out together. I am tired of being selfish and making this about me - he has the right to start making some decisions about our marriage too BUT the one thing I do know is - if I decide to go back and be exMM's little plaything then I will get a divorce this time. I refuse to hurt a good man any further- he didn't ask for it and I don't think your husband is either.

 

Block your MM and go NC. I know it hurts but you need to pull up your big girl pants and figure this out. Let the affair fog clear and start making some decisions.

 

Wishing you luck and pulling for you no matter if you choose your marriage or if you choose the single life. - as long as you choose

[DKT3]

Hcbm, can you? If I was selling drugs risking being locked up leaving my kids fatherless but I spend loads of time with them would I be deemed a good parent let alone a great one? Affairs are oh so very dangerous for many reasons. The impact on the kids is very real.

[Lobe]

In the great words of Susan Powter...

 

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

 

I imagine you feel completely torn and confused right now. The only surefire cure for the affair foggies is time and space. Distance yourself from all of it - your husband and your AP - until you get your head screwed on straight. This guy's not all that an a bag of chips, and your husband doesn't deserve to be strung along while you beg you AP to come back. Cut everyone loose, if not for your own sanity then out of compassion for your husband and children who don't deserve to watch you fawning over some other man. It's relly not that complicated.

[loveisanaction]

Amillionpeieces....How is it possible that you sent your husband an i'm sorry letter then in the same breath asked your affair partner to leave his wife for you? So if your affair partner had said yes what would you have told your husband? That the I'm sorry letter was an error

 

 

I really hope your husband doesn't reconcile with you. You don't love him and you have absolutely no compassion for him whatsoever.

 

This is supposed to be the time to do the right thing. Stringing your husband along whilst asking your affair partner to leave his wife for you is not doing the right thing..

 

See now...After everything is out in the open your affair partner is doing what 99% of them always do....staying with his wife.

 

All that lying..deceit...betrayal...creeping around...All for nothing; he is at home with his wife and you have been kicked out of yours.

[Amillionpieces]

I didn't send a letter to my husband. It was just a text. I AM sorry.

 

I don't think husband and I will reconcile. I don't think I want that. I want to separate for at least a few months. I want to stay clear of MM during this time as well.

 

yes I asked him to leave his wife. I'm here with my back against the wall with nothing to lose. So yes I asked.

 

I asked him to leave the company and take the other job. I think he'll do it. Then I won't have to see him ever.

 

 

I agree with those saying I need time to screw my head on right. 100%.

[Lobe]

I'm here with my back against the wall with nothing to lose.

 

The best way to stop getting deeper in the hole you're digging is to stop digging. You have plenty left to lose, namely taking this opportunity to make things right with your husband and children, and making things right isn't about reconciliation, it's about honesty. It's about earning back trust. It's about being in the service of those you care about to minimize THEIR pain, not yours.

 

Make no mistake though - brutal honesty isn't just for your BH and kids' sake, it's for your own. Maybe it *IS* time to sit down and write your BH a letter, filled with truth and respect.

 

Dear BH,

 

I am so sorry I lacked the balls to tell you that I was unhappy in our marriage. Here are the things I thought we could not fix: (list your issues here.) I did not go looking for an affair and I am so sorry that I didn't talk to you about my unhappiness before selfishly going to another man. The affair went on from this date to this date, during which time I repeatedly hurt you and our children with lies and deception. I cannot take away the damage I have already done, but I would like to make it right going forward. The affair was entirely my fault and I want you to know that I intend to be accountable about this to our children and to you. He has broken up with me and I intend to use this time to get therapy.

 

(or something like that)

Edited June 14, 2016 by Lobe

[sandylee1]

. I can't look at him because he has caused me my whole family while he sails off into the sunset.

 

I'm sick of it. I asked him to leave his wife. He said no. So that's that.

 

Why can't you see that YOU caused this and take responsibility? I know it's a crap time for you now but until you accept you were a willing participant and you caused the current devastation you will never have a genuine healthy relationship with anyone.

 

No suprise he's not leaving his wife at all and you having to ask and get rejected shows you exactly where you stand.

 

I don't understand why the uncertainty about divorce when you made it clear you don't love your husband in that way. You weren't interested in improving your marriage and said you married young ... have changed and all the rest.

 

So are you just seeing your BH as a back up?

 

You asked your MM to leave his wife so don't be cruel and stay with your BH ( if he wants you) because you know deep down you don't really want him.

 

You and he can find love elsewhere.

 

 

On a day to day basis you may believe you're a good mother, but good mothers do not jeopardise their home and security like this. I know not all marriages last forever, but by having an affair you make a horrible atmosphere and cause your spouse so much pain.

 

Having parents who are traumatised can never be in your child's interest. So the indirect impact of your actions doesn't translate into 'a good mother'.

 

When you're so caught up in the affair you just don't think straight that's the problem. Your focus is on your next tryst and not the impact of your actions.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm here with my back against the wall

 

 

Your back is against a wall...a broken, shattered wall of your own integrity.

 

That's how I looked at it after d-day. That my integrity was a broken wall in thousands of pieces. So I made the decision to rebuild that wall. One small piece at a time. I did it by being honest with my H, by being honest with myself. By doing what I said I was going to do. Being where I said I was going to be. Facing, accepting, and processing my own horrendous choices.

 

I have spent the last six plus years rebuilding that wall. Is it done? No, and I don't know if it's bigger than it was, but it is certainly stronger. Because my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into that wall, into every single piece and brick. Rebuilding the wall is hard but the alternative is not an option for me.

 

I know sometimes I sound "born again" but I know what it is like to be overwhelmed and in despair and in pain due to my own horrible choices. That was me after d-day when my H wasn't talking to me, I had no job, wasn't done with grad school, had no idea where I was going to be going in life.

 

I made a choice to go up. Whether it was with my H or not, I took one step at a time toward being a better, healthier person. Look at it this way...what can you do today to start rebuilding your personal wall of integrity? Then do it, and you've taken a step.

[Moxie Lady]

Your back is against a wall...a broken, shattered wall of your own integrity.

 

That's how I looked at it after d-day. That my integrity was a broken wall in thousands of pieces. So I made the decision to rebuild that wall. One small piece at a time. I did it by being honest with my H, by being honest with myself. By doing what I said I was going to do. Being where I said I was going to be. Facing, accepting, and processing my own horrendous choices.

 

I have spent the last six plus years rebuilding that wall. Is it done? No, and I don't know if it's bigger than it was, but it is certainly stronger. Because my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into that wall, into every single piece and brick. Rebuilding the wall is hard but the alternative is not an option for me.

 

I know sometimes I sound "born again" but I know what it is like to be overwhelmed and in despair and in pain due to my own horrible choices. That was me after d-day when my H wasn't talking to me, I had no job, wasn't done with grad school, had no idea where I was going to be going in life.

 

I made a choice to go up. Whether it was with my H or not, I took one step at a time toward being a better, healthier person. Look at it this way...what can you do today to start rebuilding your personal wall of integrity? Then do it, and you've taken a step.

 

This is a fantastic post. Read and re-read OP.

 

I may have missed it OP but did you ever tell your husband who the MM is, or did he find out?

 

You need to shift your thinking because right now you are all about you and MM. Now its time to live authentically. Its no longer about you. No one said it would be easy but you made your own bed here. The wall of lies and deceit has come crashing down. How will you choose to build it back?

 

Your husband deserves the truth, all of it. He deserves for you to stop apologizing unless you mean it because being sorry is more than just being sorry things didnt work out the way you hoped they would. Telling your husband you are sorry and then asking your MM to divorce at virtually the same time is so completely disrespectful to your husband that its impossible to put into words.

 

Im honestly not trying to be mean or beat you up. I'm trying to wake you up to see that what you do, how you conduct yourself moving forward will define your character. Who do you want to see when you look in the mirror?