Obsessively stalking the wife

[gettingstronger]

I can just imagine all the BS's nagging, complaining, neglecting, withholding sex and then wondering why the OW showed up. Work your marriage if it's so important to you. I don't buy into the notion that the WS is the only one who did something wrong. That is complete bs. No one wanders when they are taken care of. You are working against biology if you think men don't need variety and excitement. If you aren't willing to give that to your partner, there are plenty of us who will.

 

Why do you believe MM don't leave if their life is so miserable and they have found a woman to fulfill all their needs?

[SomethingToSay]

Nevermind all the MM who readily admit to cheating when they are happy at home and very sexually active with their wife.

 

Some people are just pigs. They want their marriage and extra on the side. Doesnt matter who gets hurt or what promises they breka or lies they tell. They are entitled to their happiness and its the BS fault anyway.

 

Lol

[Gloria25]

Oh gosh, where do I begin...

 

To the OP, doesn't matter what she looks like. We gravitate to people who treat us well. Yes, looks are important, but when someone is "starved", think of it like being in a desert and if you have to break the tail off of a scorpion to suck out the bit of water you so desperately need, you'll do it.

 

So, your MM is with you probably cuz he gets attention, affection, and sex (of course).

 

My last FWB? Oh his wife was stunning. I consider myself am average looking woman - who like Angelina Jolie I have my "wow" and "nooo" moments of beauty. But his wife, like Jennifer Anniston, was bitter a Ice Queen, and he was miserable.

 

My neighbor? Oh gosh, the contrary. His wife is a sloppy overweight chick who gave up on make-up and doing her nails. She doesn't even do them for the Fakebook photo ops anymore. But he's happy wallowing in the mud with her all day. I sincerely believe he is with her cuz he feels that he can't do better (hence him obsessing over me, his ex (who is slim and very attractive/feminine, and skanks he meets online).

 

So, it boils down the guy and how his needs are/aren't getting met. Cuz, that may make Ursurla from the Little Mermaid quite hot to him. And, I'm not saying that to mean you're not good looking and/or a great person, I'm saying it to remind you that while his wife may be a babe, being a babe with fangs doesn't keep a guy happy.

 

Now, yes, stay away from Fakebook. My neighbor does the same thing too. Endless pictures of their fairytale of a marriage and "family" and it's all show and tell. If you follow the pictures, you'd drive yourself mad. I believe that the more pictures, the harder they're trying to put on a show and/or convince themselves that they are something that they're not. I mean, I live right down the street from them. They work and plop their butts on the couch all day. No taking walks in the park, no playing/watching hockey games, no social lives, no nothing. His mum spends most of the time raising their kid and they both leech off their parents to pay their bills. He also gave up on trying to imitate PDA with her...it's all joke. Oh yeah, they also put up the endless pics on Fakebook cuz they are trying to compete with the Jonses. They are some shallow and sorry mofos.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Gloria25

[SomethingToSay]

Gloria, Im curious how you have such a window into other peoples marriages, what they do all day, their financial business, what their motivations are, and what they are feeling. You must spend a lot of time thinking about them. Some might say that is "sorry" as well.

 

But generally I agree facebook is ridiculous and full of people portraying images. Life is much better lived off of it. And FB while in an affair can be torturous.

 

Neverthess, you cant assume the MM gorgeous wife is a frigid ice queen. Its very possible she is loving and attentive, and he is just a pig who wants more.

[Gloria25]

Gloria, Im curious how you have such a window into other peoples marriages, what they do all day, their financial business, what their motivations are, and what they are feeling. You must spend a lot of time thinking about them. Some might say that is "sorry" as well.

 

But generally I agree facebook is ridiculous and full of people portraying images. Life is much better lived off of it. And FB while in an affair can be torturous.

 

Neverthess, you cant assume the MM gorgeous wife is a frigid ice queen. Its very possible she is loving and attentive, and he is just a pig who wants more.

 

Yes, some are pigs and want more, but I'm responding to the OP's concern about wifey's looks and my experience with my FWB...cuz like others have told me on here, you cannot generalize.

 

And, about the time I spent on neighbor? Well, when you have someone following you around and staring/running away, and standing outside your house at midnight - you can't help but wonder "why" they're doing it and what's going on in their life.

 

Trust me, I'm so glad that it's been a month now and no following or nothing, so he's probably moved on to stalking his ex or someone else.

[lilajane]

Why do you believe MM don't leave if their life is so miserable and they have found a woman to fulfill all their needs?

 

If I had a nickel for every time someone posted that here...

 

Like it's so easy to walk away from a family. Most of the needs are met. Just not the sexy ones. Those are super easy to get on the side. No one wants to be poor and ostracized from the family.

 

I'm not leaving my husband. Why should I? Most things are good. He is neglecting me, so I'm finding what I need from a MM FWB. Life is good now. If dh wants me to himself, he's got to give some more. I never would have strayed if he'd been attentive. Oh well. I like how things turned out.

[SomethingToSay]

Lilajane why not just tell him what youre doing then?

[Joie]

If I had a nickel for every time someone posted that here...

 

Like it's so easy to walk away from a family. Most of the needs are met. Just not the sexy ones. Those are super easy to get on the side. No one wants to be poor and ostracized from the family.

 

I'm not leaving my husband. Why should I? Most things are good. He is neglecting me, so I'm finding what I need from a MM FWB. Life is good now. If dh wants me to himself, he's got to give some more. I never would have strayed if he'd been attentive. Oh well. I like how things turned out.

 

Really?

 

If you really believe that you are entitled to be happy no matter what the cost why don't you let your family and friends know that you are having an A with a MM who has a terminally ill wife. I am sure that they will all be supportive of your happiness.

 

People do have the right to be happy but if your happiness is based on the misery of others it isn't true happiness. At some point life catches up and is that who you want to be in the end? I am worried that you are not looking at the end game.

[ladydesigner]

I've read all the baloney here and all the therapists reasons the BS isn't at fault. (The BS is the one PAYING the therapist, mind you). I don't buy it. When you remove lust and eroticism from your relationship, it's found elsewhere. Period. And you can point fingers at the OW and OM, but you really need to take a look at yourself. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is what it is.

 

That's funny because our M still had eroticism but my WH was never home. My WH became involved with his co-worker over time. She was in an abusive M and we were drifting apart he became cold and we withdrew. He started helping her with her M. I get how it happened. I don't get how someone can witness another's pain and continue to inflict the same pain. That would be torture no? Not everyone believes as you do.

[Dancewithme]

I'm curious, lilajane: does your MM's wife know he is cheating? If not, Does he plan to tell her? How does he think she would feel about it? Does he care? Do you? I'm just curious, your perspective is unlike any I have encountered here.

[minimariah]

No one wanders when they are taken care of.

 

you should definitely read some of the older posts & threads on LoveShack -- you're up for a big surprise!

[SummerDreams]

I will never out my MM. Not when he has children, they don't deserve that

 

This seems all kinds of wrong. From one perspective, HE should be the one to protect his kids from hurting by ... not having a mistress. From another perspective, if you are so worried about his kids' feelings, why are you still with him?

[Midwestmissy]

It's been said here a lot, but I'll throw it in again: I was lied to, exposed to stds (because the mow's happiness search and legs had spread far and wide) left at home while my wh disappeared, took care of kids and lied for him to them. So basically, none of my needs were met. I was doing double duty to cover his absence. It was horrible at home and none of us knew why. And yes, we were having sex. And yet I didn't cheat. I craved attention, but I didn't want it from someone who would take me away from my family, I wanted attention that would benefit my family - I wanted my husband. Why would I ever be flattered by having an affair with a man who was willing to bust up a family while saying he cares about me? I'd be offended. I'd rather be flattered and adored by someone I admire and respect. The rest is hollow and only serves the liar. So being unhappy at home doesn't lead to cheating. Having crappy character and no boundaries does. Also, hard to have a lot of sexy time with a man who needs to answer every text from a woman who's just as screwed up and needy as him. While his homemade dinner gets cold and his family eats without him. He traded that for junk food that never got him what he wanted. There goes the foreplay at home. That's his making, not mine.

 

His affair didn't bring him happiness or solve his problems because the problem wasn't what was lacking in the marriage, the problem was what was lacking in him. I told him to he was free to go and helped him pack (well, threw his things in bags and into the yard, I was devastated and crushed). Guess who threw the ow under the bus and sobbed. And sobbed. And went to therapy. And gave me every receipt and a timeline. And told our friends and family what he had done and apologized and made himself accountable. He did those things because the whole problem had been him and he couldn't heal himself until he faced that fact, instead of being a toddler and blaming everyone around him. He used the other woman as a sexual way to avoid his adult white privileged man in North America problems. Aw, poor thing, right? Such a tough upper class life he had. He wouldn't have found happiness with another woman long term, he was just delaying acting like an adult. He just hadn't disappointed her yet, but it would have happened since all he did was run away.

 

What I find interesting is how many people need to announce their happiness and what good people they are. (The mow did this in her emails a lot) There's a huge gap between needing folks to know how happy you are and living an authentic life, warts and all. And there's a lot more satisfaction in the latter. My husband has made huge changes and is present and more involved and invested in his marriage and family than he was before. And due to what he is putting into our marriage, he is happier. He was watering the wrong grass. What he needed was there all along, he just got off track for a bit and almost lost everything. And that last fact is what still keeps him up some nights.

[wmacbride]

Nevermind all the MM who readily admit to cheating when they are happy at home and very sexually active with their wife.

 

Some people are just pigs. They want their marriage and extra on the side. Doesnt matter who gets hurt or what promises they breka or lies they tell. They are entitled to their happiness and its the BS fault anyway.

 

Lol

 

 

I don't know that I would say they are pigs per se.

 

Some people are just not cut out to be with one person. It doesn't matter how much or what variety of sex they are getting at home, they will still want more.

 

It's easier for them to blame their bs rather than accept responsibility for themselves and their behavior.

 

Others are perfectly happy being with only one person and don't need that same variety.

[ChickiePops]

 

I don't know that I would say they are pigs per se.

 

Some people are just not cut out to be with one person. It doesn't matter how much or what variety of sex they are getting at home, they will still want more.

 

It's easier for them to blame their bs rather than accept responsibility for themselves and their behavior.

 

Others are perfectly happy being with only one person and don't need that same variety.

 

True, but a good person will step away from the marriage as soon as they realize this about themselves instead of sneaking around behind their spouses back. After all, if they married someone, then they represented themselves as a monogamous person to the spouse, and therefore they owe that person the truth. Otherwise it's just lies piling on top of other lies. It's fraud.

[ladydesigner]

It's been said here a lot, but I'll throw it in again: I was lied to, exposed to stds (because the mow's happiness search and legs had spread far and wide) left at home while my wh disappeared, took care of kids and lied for him to them. So basically, none of my needs were met. I was doing double duty to cover his absence. It was horrible at home and none of us knew why. And yes, we were having sex. And yet I didn't cheat. I craved attention, but I didn't want it from someone who would take me away from my family, I wanted attention that would benefit my family - I wanted my husband. Why would I ever be flattered by having an affair with a man who was willing to bust up a family while saying he cares about me? I'd be offended. I'd rather be flattered and adored by someone I admire and respect. The rest is hollow and only serves the liar. So being unhappy at home doesn't lead to cheating. Having crappy character and no boundaries does. Also, hard to have a lot of sexy time with a man who needs to answer every text from a woman who's just as screwed up and needy as him. While his homemade dinner gets cold and his family eats without him. He traded that for junk food that never got him what he wanted. There goes the foreplay at home. That's his making, not mine.[/b]

 

What I find interesting is how many people need to announce their happiness and what good people they are. (The mow did this in her emails a lot) There's a huge gap between needing folks to know how happy you are and living an authentic life, warts and all. And there's a lot more satisfaction in the latter. My husband has made huge changes and is present and more involved and invested in his marriage and family than he was before. And due to what he is putting into our marriage, he is happier. He was watering the wrong grass. What he needed was there all along, he just got off track for a bit and almost lost everything. And that last fact is what still keeps him up some nights.

 

Brilliant Midwestmissy! Your situation mimics mine with my WH almost to a 'T'. My needs were not being met at all when my WH had his LTA with MOW. It is why I am so fiercely defensive of BS's when OW cries abuse. My WH was the abusive one, I was reacting to it yet I was the one painted as abusive and blamed for the A. Pffffft

 

My WH talks about being 'a good person' more times than I can count and I never even uttered those words.

 

I have to agree that it is crappy character and poor boundaries that lead to an A. I was crappy when I had my RA. I was not being a good person to anyone, even myself. Why is it so hard for WS's to look in the mirror?

[Miss Clavel]

Lying is part of everyday male life. so they lie. Every day. .

 

and everyday we see people that like to eat their boogers. or fart loudly and then explain the aspects of their diet that caused the odor. doesn't mean i'd tolerate it. or accept it. in anyone.

 

i can't imagine my brothers thinking that a penis entitles them to commit misdemeanors against women based on their gender.

 

lying to a women just because you're a man would make you a pussy.

[Midwestmissy]

Miss clavel I have 2 sons and I have not raised them to think lying is acceptable or part of being a man. The older one lost a lot of respect for his father after the affair, and it changed their relationship completely. Again, it's about character.

[ladydesigner]

Miss clavel I have 2 sons and I have not raised them to think lying is acceptable or part of being a man. The older one lost a lot of respect for his father after the affair, and it changed their relationship completely. Again, it's about character.

 

Same here our DD does not look highly at her dad. She often voices her views to me that I should get a D. That she would never stay with a cheater (but we all know that is easier said than done, especially when you loved your spouse and spent the last 20 years together building a life together).

 

What is bad is when my WH's character traits (personality disorder) affect my DD, that is when I really feel like leaving.

[Miss Clavel]

Originally Posted by lilajane View Post

No one wanders when they are taken care of.

 

you should definitely read some of the older posts & threads on LoveShack -- you're up for a big surprise!

 

 

what happens when you can't "take care" of him anymore? say you get older or unwell, it's okay for him to "wander" off?

 

[Miss Clavel]

Miss clavel I have 2 sons and I have not raised them to think lying is acceptable or part of being a man. The older one lost a lot of respect for his father after the affair, and it changed their relationship completely. Again, it's about character.

 

i tell mine, "it was my mistake, i wanted a good father for my children, and he's a great father", ****ty fing husband tho.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I've read all the baloney here and all the therapists reasons the BS isn't at fault. (The BS is the one PAYING the therapist, mind you). I don't buy it. When you remove lust and eroticism from your relationship, it's found elsewhere. Period. And you can point fingers at the OW and OM, but you really need to take a look at yourself. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is what it is.

 

 

As you seem to like to dispel common assumptions here, I'd like to dispel one of your misguided theories.

 

Because a wife isn't swinging from the chandeliers to please her husband she's to blame for his inability to address marital problems so he goes out shagging anything he can get his hands on to compensate? What utter tosh...

 

My husband and I have always had an active and varied sexual relationship.

 

During his affair, he was getting LESS interesting sex with his concubine than he was at home.

 

I won't go into detail about what he said of her, but his affair certainly wasn't with a nymphette who couldn't get enough.....

 

it isn't that the married man isn't getting enough, it's that he isn't GIVING enough....

[ChickiePops]

As you seem to like to dispel common assumptions here, I'd like to dispel one of your misguided theories.

 

Because a wife isn't swinging from the chandeliers to please her husband she's to blame for his inability to address marital problems so he goes out shagging anything he can get his hands on to compensate? What utter tosh...

 

My husband and I have always had an active and varied sexual relationship.

 

During his affair, he was getting LESS interesting sex with his concubine than he was at home.

 

I won't go into detail about what he said of her, but his affair certainly wasn't with a nymphette who couldn't get enough.....

 

it isn't that the married man isn't getting enough, it's that he isn't GIVING enough....

 

Or that he's just needy and greedy.

[Red123]

As you seem to like to dispel common assumptions here, I'd like to dispel one of your misguided theories.

 

Because a wife isn't swinging from the chandeliers to please her husband she's to blame for his inability to address marital problems so he goes out shagging anything he can get his hands on to compensate? What utter tosh...

 

My husband and I have always had an active and varied sexual relationship.

 

During his affair, he was getting LESS interesting sex with his concubine than he was at home.

 

I won't go into detail about what he said of her, but his affair certainly wasn't with a nymphette who couldn't get enough.....

 

it isn't that the married man isn't getting enough, it's that he isn't GIVING enough....

 

I completely agree. My Hs AP was all about true love and morals(?). We have always been very adventurous and I have always liked how fun our sex life is. His AP liked very vanilla, romantic sex, but called it making love(barf). It isn't about sex for all affairs and wives certainly don't have to be gymnasts to keep their husbands happy. His A was about attention and ego stroking, which now he calls ridiculous and fake.

[elaine567]

Many men* have affairs simply for "variety" and for "extra", that is why with lots of sex at home they still stray. They have the desire to be "da man" with multiple women in tow. They tell the women what they want to hear and it is why so many OWs are shocked to discover he has an active sex life with his wife, when he said they slept in separate rooms or the wife was "frigid" or ill or in some other way an asexual being...

Many are also just not meant to be monogamous, they may have spent their youth with cartloads of different women and miss that buzz, or they have been "good" and feel they missed out.

Marriage and fidelity may suit for a while but they revert to type.

No-one can keep such men faithful, to think they can is naive.

 

(* not only some men, but some women too)