Obsessively stalking the wife

[NTV]

If this were a life lesson for you, one where you moved passed seeing the MM, and never went back.... how would you burn that bridge behind you?

[SomethingToSay]

he will not text you, you will reach out for him first. And even if he does text you, you won't block him

 

 

And even if you do block him, he really wont care. Its only "sweet revenge" if he gives a shiit which he clearly doesn't.

 

 

Do yourself a favor and de-activate facebook and delete the app from your phone until you get some distance from this.

[Satu]

And even if you do block him, he really wont care. Its only "sweet revenge" if he gives a shiit which he clearly doesn't.

 

 

Do yourself a favor and de-activate facebook and delete the app from your phone until you get some distance from this.

 

He'd just find somebody else to fill the OP's shoes.

 

It's easy enough.

[Girlfromcali]

And even if you do block him, he really wont care. Its only "sweet revenge" if he gives a shiit which he clearly doesn't.

 

 

Do yourself a favor and de-activate facebook and delete the app from your phone until you get some distance from this.

 

 

This is 100% true.

 

He does not care. They never do.

 

Even when they call you their soulmate, best sex ever, and say they'd die for you...they couldn't care less... (I'm not bitter or anything)

[SomethingToSay]

Well they "Care" in terms of what you provide to them and their happiness. Of course they want to see you happy and make you feel good and make you feel desired and loved....b/c it ups the romance and passion and keeps you coming back.

 

 

They "love" you in a similar way they love a steak.

 

 

But in terms of "caring" enough to not have you be OW....no.

[Girlfromcali]

I don't wanna be a steak...even if he says I'm the best steak he's ever had

[SomethingToSay]

..even if he says I'm the best steak he's ever had

 

 

Talk is so cheap my friend. And even IF you were the best sex he's had...so what. Marriage and choice of partners is based on so much more than just the sex and connection.

[Girlfromcali]

Talk is so cheap my friend. And even IF you were the best sex he's had...so what. Marriage and choice of partners is based on so much more than just the sex and connection.

 

The only reason I was the best steak was because he'd only had cake before. If he'd only had steak and tasted cake for the first time, he'd be like "ooh, cake is soo good...who knew??"

 

Seriously, there's no value in his words, trust me. It's the best sex because it's the only other person he's ever been with. Even he wouldn't deny that.

 

I was just trying to be sarcastic because it helps me. I put zero value in sex. It means nothing. Even people with double digit IQs can have sex.

[Sabella]

Well they "Care" in terms of what you provide to them and their happiness. Of course they want to see you happy and make you feel good and make you feel desired and loved....b/c it ups the romance and passion and keeps you coming back.

 

 

They "love" you in a similar way they love a steak.

 

 

But in terms of "caring" enough to not have you be OW....no.

 

I had deluded myself into believing I was bacon-wrapped filet mignon. When in reality I was just ground chuck.

[Girlfromcali]

I had deluded myself into believing I was bacon-wrapped filet mignon. When in reality I was just ground chuck.

 

Thank you for making me laugh, I need it today

 

I think you're at least free range and organic

[Denton2406]

Facebook stalking is the most painful thing and a form of self harm. I did it all the time to MM's wife, God knows why because I always felt so crap whenever I saw happy little pictures celebrating anniversaries etc. in the end I blocked her, not that we were FB friends, but just so that I wouldn't be tempted, and I did a feel a hell of a lot better and am kind of over it now. Especially as I know that he stalks me on Twitter, the last time I heard from him was over a year ago, but he accidentally liked one of my tweets and then unliked it a couple of weeks ago and it's obvs he's been stalking me as we don't follow each other. So that kind of gave me a smug sense of satisfaction and made me realise how sad he is!

[Joie]

As a BS I can tell you that we often do the same thing to the OW.

 

Here is what my therapist asked...he wanted to know what I was hoping to see. I told him I kept checking facebook because I wanted to see that she was as miserable as me. I wanted to see that she was getting payback. My therapist said "You will NEVER get that. People don't put that stuff on facebook" and he was right. I wished I stopped looking sooner but it did take me months. I will say that I have not checked in quite awhile.

 

I don't necessarily thing facebook is fake. However, it is only a snapshot of someone's life. I don't think any married couple is happy or unhappy all the time. I know during the affair my husband focused on the unhappy and I focused on the happy. In reality we were both.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SomethingToSay]

Denton, how do you jump from someone liking one tweet, then unliking it 2 weeks later to he is "stalking" you on twitter? Taking a look here and now does not equal stalking.

 

I am just always perplexed at people who say they are being stalked on social media platforms such as FB and Twitter that dont allow you to see who looked at your stuff.

Edited May 25, 2016 by SomethingToSay

[lilajane]

Welp, I've stalked a little online, but my perspective is different. I am openly friends with both MM and his wife on FB. She is very active on social media and honestly, I love seeing their photos come up on my feed. I don't think it's a FB act. They genuinely seem happy. It makes me happy that he has a good home life. I don't really understand the jealousy. I love this guy so much. Why would I want him to be miserable at home? They are doting parents. I see that he works really hard and they struggle to support their family, especially with the wife's illness. I'm glad he has this family and they are so loving. His story checks out. But I would definitely be angry if he lied to me about any of it.

 

Change your mind and you can change the world. Think about it.

[Lady2163]

I've had a couple of toxic relationships with single (and married ) men. I have to tell you it was glorious when I moved, changed phone numbers, changed Facebook accounts, changed emails and they could no longer track me.

 

This is years ago, but it was agony waiting for the phone to ring. My ex bf used to call me every night at 10:00 PM. One time a friend called me at 10:00 PM and I burst into sobs when I answered and it was him. I was desperately hoping it was the Ex. Those few seconds of optimism when the phone rang weren't my final straw, but it was a catalyst. At some point you have to protect yourself, because they aren't going to do it.

 

I think it is human nature to want to know something about the spouse. Many people are curious about their partner's Exes. We do have an ego. I think Others want to believe the AP is with them for more than just sex. If it's just sex, then we have to face the fact we are just being used.

 

I'm not a fan of trivializing the term "stalking". Being able to scour social media is relatively new. Back in my day, you tried to surreptitiously drive past their house. It's what you do AFTER you have the information that is just as important.

 

I've also never been onboard with viewing social media viewing as breaking no contact. Viewing social media is not creating an atmosphere for mutual contact. Sending a PM is. Texting is. "Liking" a tweet or post is. If they don't know you are "there" then no reciprocal contact is in place.

 

30+ years ago, when I was still a teenager, I had a relationship with a MM. It ended after a few months. I joined the military, lived all over the world. I can't say we never talked, but rarely. I'd say we quit talking 15 years ago. I moved back to my hometown. I was pretty sure he was still there and I did find his address, but only to avoid that area. Fortunately, it wasn't a main access road.

 

I had one of those days where I had to go to bank, post office, get gasoline, hardware store, several errands. It was brutally hot, I was stressed and strapped for time. For a small town, lines were long and things were crowded.

 

A few hours later, I got a call from a mutual friend. ExMM would like me to call him at work Monday. Did I still have the phone number?

 

I did call. During one of my errands, I had stood one person back from him in line.

 

I truly didn't see him. Did I break "no contact" by standing in line? No. Did he? No.

 

Contact was broken when he tracked someone down to find me and then I called.

[Midwestmissy]

Lilijane, what makes you sure he's not lying to you? You know he's a liar, he's lying to his wife, you're lying to his wife, you both pretend to care about her yet you'd be upset if he lied to you? Don't you think his wife would be upset to know what was going on? Just wondering how you get to be upset about lying but still be lying.

[SomethingToSay]

^ because entitlement

[lilajane]

Lying is part of everyday male life. It's been studied a lot and it's real. They don't want to hurt your feelings, want to avoid drama or can't see an upside to telling the truth, so they lie. Every day. What I meant was that if MM lied to manipulate me, like to say his wife was ugly, or he was unhappy, or that she was sick and she wasn't, that wouldn't be something I'd put up with. He's been one of my best friends for years before the A started. He can tell me anything and he does.

 

The only thing that has ever made me suspicious of him is reading this forum. Everything he's told me has checked out. He shares a lot of personal information with me. If his wife wasn't ill and was able to have a sex life with him, I don't think there would be an affair. We'd just be regular ol friends, like we were before the affair. I've not known him to outright lie to his wife. It's more of lies of omission. She's not well enough to keep track of his comings and goings. He's got an enormous amount of pressure on him being the bread winner, main parent, cook, house cleaner, and her caretaker. Honestly, the A is the least of her concerns at this point in her life. He does what he can to make her happy and comfortable. Then he takes care of himself. His life would really suck without the A. Why should anyone have to live like that? Everyone deserves some attention and some escape from a rotten reality.

 

I am unapologetically ENTITLED to be happy, however I define that. IMO, its outdated marriage constructs and the inherent sexism that is the problem. I'll never change that. But I can do what I want. My happiness is in my own hands.

 

In our current culture of "forever" marriage, she would very likely be hurt. We will never get caught, so she will never know. If we ever do get together, I'll let him be himself and do whatever he wants. This whole puritan marriage perspective is just redic to me. If anything, the A gives him the escape that allows him to take care of her. There isn't much free help out there for those caring for a terminally ill spouse or disabled child. Everyone handles it differently.

[SomethingToSay]

No one forced you to get married. If you think marriage is an old construct then why get or stay married? Do you think homesty and integrity are old constructs too?

 

I find it very telling that you seem to know "whats best" for his BW. And what her concerns are or ought to be.

 

Im curious at what point does your entitlement for happiness at the expense of others' pain stop? is there a line in the sand anywhere?

Edited May 25, 2016 by SomethingToSay

[Midwestmissy]

Unapologetically entitled to be happy. That about sums it up. That's how hurtful people justify their actions. It's an attitude as old as the ancient and outdated constructs of marriage, it's not modern or evolved or hip and cool. I'm not sure you'd feel that way if it were your own marriage being stepped on.

[Denton2406]

Something to Say - I don't mean literally stalking, I mean that we do not interact on social media and he does not follow me on Twitter but I noticed he had liked the tweet and unliked it 30 mins later. When we were in touch he had searched for me on Twitter and found me and he copied some of my pictures and sent them to me to make a joke about them, and in my eyes that is a form of "stalking" as it were or looking someone up out of interest and then to admit to them you have found them and send pictures for proof is a bit over the top.

[lilajane]

I can just imagine all the BS's nagging, complaining, neglecting, withholding sex and then wondering why the OW showed up. Work your marriage if it's so important to you. I don't buy into the notion that the WS is the only one who did something wrong. That is complete bs. No one wanders when they are taken care of. You are working against biology if you think men don't need variety and excitement. If you aren't willing to give that to your partner, there are plenty of us who will.

[privategal]

I can just imagine all the BS's nagging, complaining, neglecting, withholding sex and then wondering why the OW showed up. Work your marriage if it's so important to you. I don't buy into the notion that the WS is the only one who did something wrong. That is complete bs. No one wanders when they are taken care of. You are working against biology if you think men don't need variety and excitement. If you aren't willing to give that to your partner, there are plenty of us who will.

Lots of married people who are happy and satisfied cheat.

You are severely misguided.

[lilajane]

I've read all the baloney here and all the therapists reasons the BS isn't at fault. (The BS is the one PAYING the therapist, mind you). I don't buy it. When you remove lust and eroticism from your relationship, it's found elsewhere. Period. And you can point fingers at the OW and OM, but you really need to take a look at yourself. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is what it is.

[ChickiePops]

I've read all the baloney here and all the therapists reasons the BS isn't at fault. (The BS is the one PAYING the therapist, mind you). I don't buy it. When you remove lust and eroticism from your relationship, it's found elsewhere. Period. And you can point fingers at the OW and OM, but you really need to take a look at yourself. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is what it is.

 

Yup, you've got all women besides yourself pegged.