UPDATE: Sexless Marriage

[elaine567]

I can almost feel myself free.

 

He's miserable, you are miserable.

It is no way to live, the relationship has run its course.

[wmacbride]

It sounds like there is a huge amount of resentment on his part, and that he has issues with porn.

 

Is it worth slogging your way through sorting all of that out? Is there enough love left for him to try?

 

I would recommend the two of you spending some time apart to see how you both really feel.

[Ms. Faust]

So when he asked for a divorce did you tell him you agreed?

[dichotomy]

Obviously we are getting your side only, but if you divorce (and you should) suspect 1-2 years from now you will have a good new relationship/sex life...and he will still be masturbating to a computer. But I could be wrong.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I feel I could have written exactly what the original poster wrote.

 

Are you glad you left? I am on the verge of leaving, I cannot do this anymore. My husband won't even admit to a porn problem even though I have seen it with my own eyes. Together 20 years and have sex maybe once every 3 months, if that. Porn is causing ED problems and I am only 39 and wondering if this is going to be my life forever if i don't get out? Does this ever improve?

 

No it doesn't get better especially if your hubby continues to remain in denial. Trust me. One person cannot save a marriage unless you want to be a martyr and personally, it's not worth it. At 39, you're heading into the sexual prime of your life! It's sad and painful but options are limited at this point. Your hubby needs to take responsibility for HIS part in all of this. Period.

 

As for the OP and your new found clarity, I commend you. He's gaslighting you in many ways and refusing to take responsibility for his part as well. That does not make for a happy or healthy marriage. He doesn't sound like he wants to try very hard so why beat a dead horse? It takes two people to make a marriage work. Good luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He said he sees couples in public, laughing, holding hands and being happy and he envies that. I told him I do too, but we have never been like that.

 

Wow, never? Agree with others, not much left to save. Mercy killing at this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

You are mistaken that you two do not have anything in common.

 

You are both miserable and both think you be better apart.

 

That is common ground and something that you both agree on. An amicable, fair and cooperative divorce is a worthy goal to work collaboratively towards.

[Ms. Faust]

You are mistaken that you two do not have anything in common.

 

You are both miserable and both think you be better apart.

 

That is common ground and something that you both agree on. An amicable, fair and cooperative divorce is a worthy goal to work collaboratively towards.

 

I think this is where I am getting confused.

 

If hubby said "lets divorce", and OP agrees that divorce should happen, then how was divorce taken off the table within the same night? At this point it seems like OP and her hubby should be planning on how to separate assets.

[oldshirt]

I think this is where I am getting confused.

 

If hubby said "lets divorce", and OP agrees that divorce should happen, then how was divorce taken off the table within the same night? At this point it seems like OP and her hubby should be planning on how to separate assets.

 

I agree.

 

The common ground is that they are both miserable and the marriage is not working.

 

My own hunch is that fear of the unknown and fear of being alone is all that is keeping them together.

 

Fear is not a valid foundation for a marriage.

[Lois_Griffin]

Let me get this straight.

 

This loser sits at home all day whacking off to porn on the computer and doing NOTHING productive.

 

NOTHING.

 

You're out working all day supporting his lazy ass and then YOU have to come home and cook him dinner on top of it?

 

My God. Send this completely worthless lump of flesh back to his mommy.

[sandylee1]

Start the divorce proceedings ASAP.

[CarrieT]

Concur with the others. It looks like this ship has sailed...

 

For some reason, he believes you have emasculated him and perhaps through divorce, he will find his balls and life again.

 

But there doesn't seem to be enough left between you two to maintain a marriage.

[Rigan007]

It takes a lot more than quantifying and qualifying the problem to figure out and apply a fix to a broken relationship especially in a marriage setup where the stakes are high. If you are just dating you simply walk away even over a delayed reply to an SMS but once married things are not as simple and straightforward. I have come to view marriage as a mild form of suicide though you are never taken to an actual morgue. A lot of your personal dreams and desires are killed in those few steps down the aisle. If only the officiating guy came with a crystal ball to foresee your future together I guess man of these sad stories would never be told time and again.

[UnsureHusband]

Let me get this straight.

 

This loser sits at home all day whacking off to porn on the computer and doing NOTHING productive.

 

NOTHING.

 

You're out working all day supporting his lazy ass and then YOU have to come home and cook him dinner on top of it?

 

My God. Send this completely worthless lump of flesh back to his mommy.

 

Wow... that's a pretty harsh statement considering you don't know his side. It does sound awful, but calling him a "loser", "lazy", and a "worthless lump of flesh"

 

When he said he's been made to feel ashamed, i can relate to that. My wife has done the same thing to me.

 

For several years, I had only been approaching my wife every couple of weeks to be intimate, due to being turned down a lot over the previous years. One day she told me she was tired of my overbearing sex drive. I stopped asking that day and have not since.

 

A few times she saw me looking at her naked while she was changing. She told me I was objectifying her. What can i say, after 26 years marriage, I still think she is gorgeous. After that comment though, I have stopped looking, and refuse to be in the same room when she is in any state of undress.

 

We haven't had sex in 3 months, and I don't ever intend on asking again.

 

Now I guess my situation is different in that I make about 90% of our household income, do a lot around the house, and do most of the stuff for both of our daughters. In fact they usually come to me, instead of their mom for stuff. I am an affectionate, attentive person. I compliment her all the time, and mean it. But she's just gotten more physically distant over the years, and I am tired of trying.

 

But I now use porn almost daily to have some sort of physical relationship that my wife seems very content not to have. She is well aware of it, but seems to be relieved that she can just spend endless ours on her laptop or iPhone.

 

I'd much prefer to be with her, well I did feel that way. If she came to me today, and asked for sex, I'd probably turn her down. My resentment is pretty deep now. I am now thinking I might not want to stay in this relationship. I am in the best physical shape of my life, and have been getting attention from younger women.

 

Anyway this situation my be very different from mine, or it could be somewhat similar, but calling him all sorts of names based on one side of the story is pretty cold.

[SomethingToSay]

Well Unsure the difference i think is OP wants more sex and has tried to get more. So i assume she hadnt been rejecting his advances.

 

Im so sorry your wife has no attraction for you. You certainly deserve better than that. Have you tried discussing it or therapy? The worst thing you can do is go outside the marriage. Maybe separating with 50/50 custody is your best solution.

[ShatteredLady]

UnsureHusband.

 

" I stopped asking that day and have not since."

 

" I have stopped looking, and refuse to be in the same room when she is in any state of undress."

 

"We haven't had sex in 3 months, and I don't ever intend on asking again."

 

I know! This is going to be one of those 'Do as I say not as I do' posts...

 

Once you reach the point where the resentment is so bad that you basically take your ball away & refuse to play anymore what's the point? Nothing's ever going to get better. Nothing is going to change. You just give-up on more & more things until there's nothing left.

 

You either give it one more try. Sit down & make it REALLY clear what's on the line, go to MC, IC, basically any kind of C that could help or file for divorce. Once you reach the "I don't anymore..." Stage it's all over but the tears & paperwork UNLESS you force the change.

 

Is it worth it? Only you know in your situation.

 

 

Resentment is a new one for me & it's horrific!! I HATE feeling like this! I know it's wrong. I know it's not going to achieve anything other than hurting ME, HIM & US even more. I can't stop!!

 

I'm sorry. I know.

[UnsureHusband]

UnsureHusband.

 

" I stopped asking that day and have not since."

 

" I have stopped looking, and refuse to be in the same room when she is in any state of undress."

 

"We haven't had sex in 3 months, and I don't ever intend on asking again."

 

I know! This is going to be one of those 'Do as I say not as I do' posts...

 

Once you reach the point where the resentment is so bad that you basically take your ball away & refuse to play anymore what's the point? Nothing's ever going to get better. Nothing is going to change. You just give-up on more & more things until there's nothing left.

 

You either give it one more try. Sit down & make it REALLY clear what's on the line, go to MC, IC, basically any kind of C that could help or file for divorce. Once you reach the "I don't anymore..." Stage it's all over but the tears & paperwork UNLESS you force the change.

 

Is it worth it? Only you know in your situation.

 

 

Resentment is a new one for me & it's horrific!! I HATE feeling like this! I know it's wrong. I know it's not going to achieve anything other than hurting ME, HIM & US even more. I can't stop!!

 

I'm sorry. I know.

 

Thanks for this.. it was very helpful.

[lemondrop21]

It takes a lot more than quantifying and qualifying the problem to figure out and apply a fix to a broken relationship especially in a marriage setup where the stakes are high. If you are just dating you simply walk away even over a delayed reply to an SMS but once married things are not as simple and straightforward. I have come to view marriage as a mild form of suicide though you are never taken to an actual morgue. A lot of your personal dreams and desires are killed in those few steps down the aisle. If only the officiating guy came with a crystal ball to foresee your future together I guess man of these sad stories would never be told time and again.

 

Wow... marriage as a mild form of suicide, that's grim. What made you come to this conclusion? Whatever it was, I'm sorry..

 

Also, who leaves a relationship over a delayed reply to an SMS? What??

[Lois_Griffin]

Wow... that's a pretty harsh statement considering you don't know his side. It does sound awful, but calling him a "loser", "lazy", and a "worthless lump of flesh"

 

When he said he's been made to feel ashamed, i can relate to that. My wife has done the same thing to me.

 

For several years, I had only been approaching my wife every couple of weeks to be intimate, due to being turned down a lot over the previous years. One day she told me she was tired of my overbearing sex drive. I stopped asking that day and have not since.

 

A few times she saw me looking at her naked while she was changing. She told me I was objectifying her. What can i say, after 26 years marriage, I still think she is gorgeous. After that comment though, I have stopped looking, and refuse to be in the same room when she is in any state of undress.

 

We haven't had sex in 3 months, and I don't ever intend on asking again.

 

Now I guess my situation is different in that I make about 90% of our household income, do a lot around the house, and do most of the stuff for both of our daughters. In fact they usually come to me, instead of their mom for stuff. I am an affectionate, attentive person. I compliment her all the time, and mean it. But she's just gotten more physically distant over the years, and I am tired of trying.

 

But I now use porn almost daily to have some sort of physical relationship that my wife seems very content not to have. She is well aware of it, but seems to be relieved that she can just spend endless ours on her laptop or iPhone.

 

I'd much prefer to be with her, well I did feel that way. If she came to me today, and asked for sex, I'd probably turn her down. My resentment is pretty deep now. I am now thinking I might not want to stay in this relationship. I am in the best physical shape of my life, and have been getting attention from younger women.

 

Anyway this situation my be very different from mine, or it could be somewhat similar, but calling him all sorts of names based on one side of the story is pretty cold.

You obviously haven't read this poster's history.

 

The guy was HAPPY to live with his mother for YEARS. They'd still be living there this DAY if it weren't for the OP insisting they move to their own place. He's equally happy to do nothing all day while SHE supports him.

 

The ONLY one who ever makes an effort in this marriage is the OP. And yes, we're obviously only getting her side of it - which is the way message boards WORK. Sorry, but that's all were given to work with. Maybe if her husband can find the time to pull up his pants and leave the Spank Me, Mommy! chat room for an hour, he can post here too and tell us his side of the story.

 

And lastly, just because YOUR wife isn't interested in you sexually doesn't automatically mean that's the same dynamic in the OP's marriage.

 

But again, I only have YOUR side of the story to make my judgment on, don't I?

[Sammy1974]

In previous posts I have mentioned that my husband views porn almost daily, and we have not been intimate in about 2 months. The other day he said something hurtful to me and I am completely shut off from him. His brother went to Hawaii with his girlfried and sent us pictures that my husband wanted to show me. As I sat down to see them, I said "I wonder if your brother roams around the beach like you do, taking pictured of oher women." My husband became very upset and said "why would you bring that up when you know that's a sensitive topic and will cause an argument?" Then he said: "There are things I could say but don't because I know they will hurt your feelings. Like that your boobs are too small for me and they are not a turn on at all. They are actually a turn off."

I cannot believe a husband would actually say this to his wife. I am not sure if he said it out of spite (because at other times he always tells me how attractive I am), but I also suspect that by watching porn and seeing those fake, inflated plastic breasts, that is what he wants. I told him that if he wants a woman like that, he is free to go get her. That I simply don't care. And the truth is I don't. I have reached my level of saturation with him and I want him out of my life. I am not sure how to go about it.

[urmysong]

Yes my husband told me too that I am not sexy because I have boobies and not boobs...

I was hurt too when he told me that vocally.

[salparadise]

Then he said: "There are things I could say but don't because I know they will hurt your feelings. Like that your boobs are too small for me and they are not a turn on at all. They are actually a turn off."

I cannot believe a husband would actually say this to his wife.

 

I have reached my level of saturation with him and I want him out of my life. I am not sure how to go about it.

 

I can't believe it either. Life's too short to suffer idiots like that.

 

How to go about it... simple - retain a lawyer, file for divorce.

[mikeylo]

Too much resentment building up on both sides with no positive results.

 

Time to get therapy or divorce. The marriage is dead

[minimariah]

How to go about it... simple - retain a lawyer, file for divorce.

 

this.

 

if you're done with your marriage, there is nothing else to say or do. tell him it's over, figure out where you'll live, have an exit strategy and file. that's it.

[NTV]

Okay, if I'm reading your post right....

 

 

1. he's said something hurtful--check

 

 

2. he's taken pictures on other women at the beach--weird, probably illegal

 

 

3. he watches a lot of pornography--no necessarily unusual, but when combined with number 2, red flags go up.

 

 

4. you want out of your marriage--it sounds entirely likely that he does do, given the above behavior. divorce is scary to look at, but it may be the direction you're both headed.

 

 

And I know this sounds like a chick or the egg question, but did he do these things before you decided you want out of the marriage? could he sense the distance created and turned elsewhere in a way of acting out to get more attention? Or did these actions serve as the basis for your desire to leave?

 

 

You post right now sounds like you're asking us if you should get a divorce. We can't answer that question for you. Sure, a lot (okay probably most) of the folks here are going to recommend you get one. That stems from his actions signaling a total lack of commitment to you and your marriage and their experience dealing with it. Some held on longer than they should and push the divorce button on others like it's answer to all lives problems. 'divorce - I put that s*** on everything!'

 

 

some few others may say 'work it out', coming from a place where they didn't get a chance to.

 

 

we all know only you can say when you've had enough and decide if the why is sufficient or even necessary.

 

 

What I can tell you based on what you've said is that his commitment level to you sounds about the same as your commitment level to him right now. Is it justified? IDK, I'm no judge. Is this information useful to you in some way? I do hope so.

 

 

NTV