Curious about MM/MW mindset

[Got it]

Liam, I disagree. The individuals decide which way it is going, throwing in something as volatile as an affair can completely side track the original issues. And no marriage therapist would ever advise you having an affair because you were at a sexual impasse.

 

Sure, it could wake the other person up but you have taken an issue that you originally start off on the "right" side of and blow it up by having an affair. So now you two are addressing the original issue and then all the by product issues that the affair brings. And affairs come with many issues, lying, dishonesty, infidelity, potential emotional abuse, abandonment, etc.

 

So now an even bigger mountain has been built. And for what? An impasse? Why not have the impasse breaker as a come to jesus divorce talk? A move out? Have her move out? Or even a declaration of having a separate relationship so it isn't hidden.

 

Come on, I had an affair, I know what it entails and it is laughable to think of it as some noble marriage saving gift you bestowed.

 

Sure you two can make something good out of the new marriage you have after the affair but that is a testament to the two people in it, especially the BS, and the work you two should have been putting in prior.

[Liam1]

Liam, I disagree. The individuals decide which way it is going, throwing in something as volatile as an affair can completely side track the original issues.

 

Maybe in some marriages, but it my marriage, it was a wake up call to my wife. In any case, it solved the problem. I am happy and so is my wife. Why does that bother you so?

 

And no marriage therapist would ever advise you having an affair because you were at a sexual impasse.

No marriage counselor ever ADVISED THAT. Where did you see that? They said, an affair can "break the impasse." That is exactly what it did, in my marriage.

 

My wife made a unilateral decision, and then so did I. In doing so, it showed her how wrong a "unilateral decision" is within a marriage.

 

Your statement that one person in a marriage should not make a unilateral decision is accurate. No spouse should. It is dysfunctional.

 

Sure, it could wake the other person up but you have taken an issue that you originally start off on the "right" side of and blow it up by having an affair. So now you two are addressing the original issue and then all the by product issues that the affair brings.

We are no longer addressing the affair. The affair saved our marriage.

 

And affairs come with many issues, lying, dishonesty, infidelity, potential emotional abuse, abandonment, etc.

Some involve lying, others do not. As for emotional abuse. Refusing intimacy with a spouse and ridiculing the spouse for wanting it, is considered emotional abuse and by law "constructive abandonment".

 

An affair in an of itself need not involve, emotional abuse in any way. If emotional abuse exists, that is a separate issue. Stopping the infidelity will not fix emotional abuse, alone. Counseling is required.

 

So now an even bigger mountain has been built. And for what? An impasse? Why not have the impasse breaker as a come to jesus divorce talk? A move out? Have her move out? Or even a declaration of having a separate relationship so it isn't hidden.

I think threatening a divorce is emotional abuse, too. What difference does it make if you divorce or you force an impasse that either ends in divorce or solves the problem?

 

IMO, my solution was more productive, than your suggestions, for my particular situation. Maybe your situation is different. I am speaking only for my marriage and from my own experience.

 

Come on, I had an affair, I know what it entails and it is laughable to think of it as some noble marriage saving gift you bestowed.

Wow, that's quite a stretch. I never said it was noble gift.

 

I said it would either blow up my marriage or save it. In my case it saved it. Why does that make you laugh?

 

Sure you two can make something good out of the new marriage you have after the affair but that is a testament to the two people in it, especially the BS, and the work you two should have been putting in prior.

Yes. I think it is a testament to BOTH of us. We BOTH worked through a serious issue in the marriage.

 

Personally, IMO, if a marriage can not survive an affair, it's not much of a relationship, anyway.

 

So yes. It's a testament to the two people in the marriage. A testament to both accepting responsibility rather than one or the other blameshifting.

 

BSs blameshift and rewrite marital history after an affair too. Just ask any experienced infidelity counselor.

[Liam1]

Liam, I wouldn't really have any emotional feelings about your A because you had an A because of sex. I don't know how that would feel like, but honestly, I don't really put too much value in my own SO having sex with someone else. I mean if it's just sex..

 

Now, if they go telling their AP that she's their soulmate, and they want to have her in a real way, introduce her to his family as his woman, then that's a different thing. Or at least it used to mean a different thing for me. Now it would be the same since I know how most of them are. You are an exception.

 

I listened to his words. Never ever did he say that it was just sex. He said it wasn't just sex, that he had never felt that way, and that there was something special about me that made him do what he did.

 

I agree, Girlfromcali. All good points.

 

I don't even consider what you did bad tbh..

Thank you, Girlfromcali.