Curious about MM/MW mindset

[Confused9999]

Great that you stopped when you did GC. I know you are not proud of what happened, but it is impressive that you did at least have regular conversations like this and seem to have monitored how much you were thinking of and falling for each other. Then you ended it before it was too late and before D-days happen. Me and my AP didn't do that and this is another big regret of mine. We fell deeper and deeper and got more and more obsessed and less careless all the way to the inevitable D-days. Looking back, there are several key times in the affair, where I think "Why didn't we stop there" or "If we'd stopped at that point, we could have parted as good friends and minimal damage would have been done". But we didn't - and it all ended in one big destructive mess. Apart from all the other damage D-day does, it usually means that the A has to end it quickly in an abrupt, cold, urgent, desperate, heartbreaking, desperate manner, without being able to take the time to be gentle with each other, break up "nicely" and provide answers and comfort.

 

I think that the way it ended, this lack of closure and the horrible indelible memories of all aspects of D-day is my major challenge in recovery - it plays on my mind a lot.

 

While none of us who end up in affairs deserve a pat on the back, I do respect the ones like you that monitored their feelings and pulled the plug before it got out of hand!

 

Jenkins, don't be so hard on yourself, breaking up is not easy to do!

 

My OW and I tried many times to end.. To slow things hoping it would fade. Then another time I went on vacation with family and OW and I said that's it when I return. We even tried hard breaks but then went back to each other.

The more we tried to break the closer we got after.

 

Unfortunately Dday happens so often because that is the ONLY way the A stops for the majority of people.

It's a drug, you and your brain are addicted and need the next hit, and there needs to be a life changing impact to suddenly stop.

[Lady2163]

I think the fact that not all are inherently monogamous is a huge factor

and something that those who are, cannot understand fully.

 

Seems to me we live in culture that accepts FBs, FWBs, casual. multi-dating, ONSs, flings...etc. as the "norm". These are all ways of allowing a person to enjoy multiple partners, all ways to procure sexual variety.

Yet we expect the very same people as soon as they get married to be completely monogamous, and when it doesn't happen, we are all somehow shocked...???

 

This.

 

I'm not wholly convinced that men and women are wired to be monogamous. I almost feel it is unnatural. Obviously we aren't cavemen and women, still I can't help but wonder when monogamy became the norm? 2000 years ago? When the Romans embraced Christianity? That really isn't a lot time in the form of evolution.

 

As a society that is no longer hunter-gatherer, it seems to me we are forcing people into a familial unit because it is acceptable and expected.

[elaine567]

Obviously we aren't cavemen and women, still I can't help but wonder when monogamy became the norm? 2000 years ago?

When the Romans embraced Christianity?

 

NO.

"socially imposed monogamy was first established in ancient Greece and Rome, centuries before Christianity even existed."

[elaine567]

As a society that is no longer hunter-gatherer, it seems to me we are forcing people into a familial unit because it is acceptable and expected.

 

...and because it makes sense and makes for a fairer society.

Under polygyny only the "best" males gain a harem, the rest are rejected. Under monogamy, "poor" and "undesirable" men manage to get a woman and there are no large sexually frustrated bachelor groups fighting amongst themselves and making trouble.

Fine when there was always a war to wage and the excess males would turn their attention to battles and would die in large numbers, not so good in a peaceful society.

[Grey Cloud]

Great that you stopped when you did GC. I know you are not proud of what happened, but it is impressive that you did at least have regular conversations like this and seem to have monitored how much you were thinking of and falling for each other. Then you ended it before it was too late and before D-days happen. Me and my AP didn't do that and this is another big regret of mine. We fell deeper and deeper and got more and more obsessed and less careless all the way to the inevitable D-days. Looking back, there are several key times in the affair, where I think "Why didn't we stop there" or "If we'd stopped at that point, we could have parted as good friends and minimal damage would have been done". But we didn't - and it all ended in one big destructive mess. Apart from all the other damage D-day does, it usually means that the A has to end it quickly in an abrupt, cold, urgent, desperate, heartbreaking, desperate manner, without being able to take the time to be gentle with each other, break up "nicely" and provide answers and comfort.

 

I think that the way it ended, this lack of closure and the horrible indelible memories of all aspects of D-day is my major challenge in recovery - it plays on my mind a lot.

 

While none of us who end up in affairs deserve a pat on the back, I do respect the ones like you that monitored their feelings and pulled the plug before it got out of hand!

 

Thanks Jenkins You know I never really stopped to think about the fact that it could have ended a whole lot worse. Only because when it ended it still felt horrendous! I was such a mess in the weeks leading up to it ending and even though I KNEW it was the absolute right thing to do it just felt awful. And I had such tremendous guilt - for my H and xMM's W.

 

But I guess it has allowed us to end more 'amicably' if there is such a thing! With no unanswered questions and with a degree of closure. And it has helped knowing he has also struggled but the focus for both of us is back on our marriages - where it should have been all along!

 

I agree with Confused - don't be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is a funny thing.

[Cymbeline]

'As a society that is no longer hunter-gatherer, it seems to me we are forcing people into a familial unit because it is acceptable'

 

It is far and away the best way of raising children. Nature wants offspring. It doesn't much care about modern society and the need for emotional stability, good mental health and economic support. Marriage provides this.

 

It might be happier if we agreed that one needs to marry a decent person with whom one can live happily and productively. Someone who will be your best friend after the whirlwind feelings have dissipated and whose footsteps you look forward to hearing at the end of the day. Hopefully, someone who can still give you a visceral quiver under the right circumstances.

 

This doesn't mean that romantic love will never strike again. Clearly it can and does but I feel it is helpful to acknowledge and expect that the marriage may withstand this and endure, without the utterly terrible feelings of despair and failure that seem to undermine many attempts to keep the marriage whole.

 

I might be lucky in that my WHs AP was opposite to me in every way possible - even ethnicity. Different to him too. The attraction of difference is clear. He most definitely fell in love but rationally could still see this might be an aberration. He was definitely completely unable to love me romantically/ sexually during and for some time after the affair which was hard for me. (That's an understatement)

 

Despite all this, underneath I felt he was as likely to leave as he was to throw his mother off a cliff. His attachment to me is very long and very deep and I knew that. Perhaps the mother/family analogy is apt. As well as being a mother and menopausal, the closeness and inside out knowledge of each other becomes very un-erotic. Complacency and prioritising family issues made sure we didn't work on keeping the frisson and frequent travel on both our parts gave ample opportunity.

 

Reversing that complacency has changed things. But I'm not sure society really supports people in that enough. There is too much talk of ultimate betrayal and never getting over things which are not necessarily true and are just thoughts rather than truths. I am a firm believer in emotional and family stability though.

[Poppy47]

...and because it makes sense and makes for a fairer society.

Under polygyny only the "best" males gain a harem, the rest are rejected. Under monogamy, "poor" and "undesirable" men manage to get a woman and there are no large sexually frustrated bachelor groups fighting amongst themselves and making trouble.

Fine when there was always a war to wage and the excess males would turn their attention to battles and would die in large numbers, not so good in a peaceful society.

 

Monogamy brought about more stability and security in society.

 

Poppy.

[brothers343]

This is a good post and I will try to answer it from my perspective. I could off had an affair years ago with a beautiful woman but in the end it just wasn't worth it. Now.......could I have an affair with multiple woman if I wanted too? Yes I could and I would still love my wife and family the same. I feel I know my limitations at this time in my life. I think people can love more than one person (differently of course ). If I was to have an affair it would be becouse I can and there's no one that can stop me......except myself or the affair partner. One of my best friends is having an affair and I always ask him if he still loves his wife and he says absolutely and he will never leave her. He trusts her with every single thing. To him the affair is to psss time and have a little fun. Is he a cake eater? MAYBE. But who is gonna stop him? Sure not him and sure not the affair partner. Sad to say but to some man and women is just a game that can be turned off when they want too.

[thecharade]

Yep, brothers343.

That is indeed how it is.

[Confused9999]

Sad to say but to some man and women is just a game that can be turned off when they want too.

 

 

It is a game until one day its not and not so simple to turn off.

 

That is the crux of the problem on this forum.

When everyone starts playing the game they think they all know the rules and can deal with them.

But as we see time and time again things change for one or both the players, the rules get forgotten, and someone gets hurt!

[sophinla]

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

 

Very true.

 

Realistically speaking though, it is hard for a woman to attach herself to a man if she was told up front by a married man, "I truly love you. I will enjoy you and then go back to my wife, but I'll be missing you". Most women knows better than that.

 

But then again, if a married man says that, it would be hard for him to score any woman wouldn't it? It's a tough game to get into a woman's pants even for a single guy, heck sometimes you have to buy a ring, lose your freedom and get her a house! A married man's got no game unless he knows how to step up the sweet talk.

 

So yeah, boys will be boys and girls will be girls, it's just not nice to lie that's all.

[jenkins95]

Thanks guys - means a lot to me!

 

Jenkins, don't be so hard on yourself, breaking up is not easy to do!

 

My OW and I tried many times to end.. To slow things hoping it would fade. Then another time I went on vacation with family and OW and I said that's it when I return. We even tried hard breaks but then went back to each other.

The more we tried to break the closer we got after.

 

Unfortunately Dday happens so often because that is the ONLY way the A stops for the majority of people.

It's a drug, you and your brain are addicted and need the next hit, and there needs to be a life changing impact to suddenly stop.

 

Thanks Jenkins You know I never really stopped to think about the fact that it could have ended a whole lot worse. Only because when it ended it still felt horrendous! I was such a mess in the weeks leading up to it ending and even though I KNEW it was the absolute right thing to do it just felt awful. And I had such tremendous guilt - for my H and xMM's W.

 

But I guess it has allowed us to end more 'amicably' if there is such a thing! With no unanswered questions and with a degree of closure. And it has helped knowing he has also struggled but the focus for both of us is back on our marriages - where it should have been all along!

 

I agree with Confused - don't be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is a funny thing.

[Liam1]

I was not going to chime in because there is nothing that I could add to this other than what everyone had already covered but what you said here somewhat resonated with me. MY MM said the same thing...that he does not regret being with me and feels no guilt when he makes time to come and see me. He also says that him and his wife lives separate lives and they each do their own thing. Now this is coming from someone who just got married last August . Why even get married at all!! They could have just stayed together like they were before...on and off, since they've been doing that for more than 15 yrs already. What's another 15 yrs? That way either one is free and not legally tied and they can go their merry way once they get tired of each other. It seemed to work for them for more than a decade.

 

Nugget:

 

To clarify and I speak only for me, not for other OM here or your OM because their feelings are unique to themselves and I can not speak for other people.

 

For my part, however, the only reason, I was interested in an affair was that my wife was no longer interested in sex. She had decided it was not important to a marriage.

 

I was not on the same page. I still wanted the experience of a sexual connection in my life.

 

If my wife had not decided sex was not important to a marriage, I would never have had an affair. I had turned down many offers to have an affair through out the years.

 

When I had the affair, I did love my wife. still. I did not love my OW. I purposely picked a woman I knew I could not fall in love with for the affair because I had no intention of leaving my wife.

 

The OW was not as attractive to me as my wife, but she was attractive enough and she made it very clear that she was open to an affair. That is why we connected.

 

What I meant about not regretting the affair is that the affair woke my wife up to the importance of a sexual connection in a marriage and it saved our marriage.

 

I did not mean that I do not regret the affair because I loved the OW.

 

I was very upfront with her about only wanting an sexual affair. She initiated the affair and that was her original position, too. She later changed her mind.

 

I do not regret having the affair, but not because I have fond memories of the OW. It is because the affair was a wake up call that saved my marriage.

 

In fact, the OW caused a lot of problems with my wife after the affair ended and because of the my memories of her are not fond.

[Doublegold]

 

The difference is that I was being myself with him. I am that person all the time, and I live with integrity that way. He is not that way all the time. When with his family, he is someone else and puts that part of himself on a shelf and denies its existence. Sometimes, in marriage, those are the sacrifices that people make. I think that's a bit of a tragedy, though. Having to hide oneself within one's marriage is a bit of a soul death, IMO.

 

This is so relatable to me. I am transparent, and what you see is what you get. I have found throughout my life that people confide in me, find me easy to talk to and even reveal some seriously innermost secrets pretty quickly.

 

But no one inasmuch as MM. But then again--he had so much bottled up since childhood, and many many hidden aspects of himself. His closest friend since childhood knew of some of his acting out, and was geniunely concerned and thanked me for what he felt was pulling MM back from some risky behavior.

 

All that being said-after he secretly went to IC he eventually told his W and revealed a few truisms--I don't love you romantically anymore, I lost my virginity this way not the way I told you, I had more than one sexual partner before you--and yes--I watch porn and I like it.....an attempt at some authenticity. She recoiled in horror and it got shut down pretty quick. After that, any challenges about "Are you in an Affair" etc stopped.

 

So to stay on topic my post is in argreement that to have such a hidden side of yourself to your spouse is a complete lack of intimacy. People can go back and forth about sex vs. love, how women process sex vs men, what affairs mean to MM or MW and why they happen.

 

The bottome line--if you are not able to be yourself with your spouse, open and honest about who you are or where you've been....then what do you have? How can someone love someone who in many ways are a stranger in reality?

 

Without intimacy, both emotional and physical, the M is no more than roommates. And that is why Affairs exist.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Doublegold
spelling

[nugget_718]

Nugget:

 

To clarify and I speak only for me, not for other OM here or your OM because their feelings are unique to themselves and I can not speak for other people.

 

For my part, however, the only reason, I was interested in an affair was that my wife was no longer interested in sex. She had decided it was not important to a marriage.

 

I was not on the same page. I still wanted the experience of a sexual connection in my life.

 

If my wife had not decided sex was not important to a marriage, I would never have had an affair. I had turned down many offers to have an affair through out the years.

 

When I had the affair, I did love my wife. still. I did not love my OW. I purposely picked a woman I knew I could not fall in love with for the affair because I had no intention of leaving my wife.

 

The OW was not as attractive to me as my wife, but she was attractive enough and she made it very clear that she was open to an affair. That is why we connected.

 

What I meant about not regretting the affair is that the affair woke my wife up to the importance of a sexual connection in a marriage and it saved our marriage.

 

I did not mean that I do not regret the affair because I loved the OW.

 

I was very upfront with her about only wanting an sexual affair. She initiated the affair and that was her original position, too. She later changed her mind.

 

I do not regret having the affair, but not because I have fond memories of the OW. It is because the affair was a wake up call that saved my marriage.

 

In fact, the OW caused a lot of problems with my wife after the affair ended and because of the my memories of her are not fond.

 

 

Liam1 thank you for the clarification. Now I understand the reason behind you not regretting the affair; because it did save your marriage. If I was your BW, I would be devastated but would own up to my part of what made you stray. Sometimes people need to be knocked back to consciousness before they realize the severity of an existing problem; whether in personal relationship or professional one. You having an affair was what made your wife address the importance of having that sexual connection in your life. So yes, you hurt her and betrayed her in the most unimaginable way but that also brought her back to her senses. I guess the end justified the means .

[Liam1]

Liam1 thank you for the clarification. Now I understand the reason behind you not regretting the affair; because it did save your marriage. If I was your BW, I would be devastated but would own up to my part of what made you stray. Sometimes people need to be knocked back to consciousness before they realize the severity of an existing problem; whether in personal relationship or professional one. You having an affair was what made your wife address the importance of having that sexual connection in your life. So yes, you hurt her and betrayed her in the most unimaginable way but that also brought her back to her senses. I guess the end justified the means .

 

I think we both hurt and betrayed each other.

 

Honestly, I do not know how any person, man or woman, who refuses to have sex with their spouse, after many years of a good sex life, can be blindsided by an affair or find it unimaginable.

 

I think there are people who would find refusing sex with a spouse unimaginable.

 

But, I get your gist.

[Liam1]

Without intimacy, both emotional and physical, the M is no more than roommates. And that is why Affairs exist.

 

Good point.

 

Our marriage counselor told my wife and I that the most common reason for a man to have an affair is that the wife is no longer interested in sex.

[ladydesigner]

This is so relatable to me. I am transparent, and what you see is what you get. I have found throughout my life that people confide in me, find me easy to talk to and even reveal some seriously innermost secrets pretty quickly.

 

But no one inasmuch as MM. But then again--he had so much bottled up since childhood, and many many hidden aspects of himself. His closest friend since childhood knew of some of his acting out, and was geniunely concerned and thanked me for what he felt was pulling MM back from some risky behavior.

 

All that being said-after he secretly went to IC he eventually told his W and revealed a few truisms--I don't love you romantically anymore, I lost my virginity this way not the way I told you, I had more than one sexual partner before you--and yes--I watch porn and I like it.....an attempt at some authenticity. She recoiled in horror and it got shut down pretty quick. After that, any challenges about "Are you in an Affair" etc stopped.

 

So to stay on topic my post is in argreement that to have such a hidden side of yourself to your spouse is a complete lack of intimacy. People can go back and forth about sex vs. love, how women process sex vs men, what affairs mean to MM or MW and why they happen.

 

The bottome line--if you are not able to be yourself with your spouse, open and honest about who you are or where you've been....then what do you have? How can someone love someone who in many ways are a stranger in reality?

 

Without intimacy, both emotional and physical, the M is no more than roommates. And that is why Affairs exist.

 

Really good post! I think people need to be really up front with each other before they get married. So many people including my WH put on this persona that the other person admires but isn't real only to discover later it was a way to keep the person hooked to either establish commitment or marry.

[jenkins95]

It is a game until one day its not and not so simple to turn off.

 

That is the crux of the problem on this forum.

When everyone starts playing the game they think they all know the rules and can deal with them.

But as we see time and time again things change for one or both the players, the rules get forgotten, and someone gets hurt!

 

Yes. It's a very dangerous game. We soon learn that it is difficult to control our heart and we are in love before we even know it sometimes. I think it stops being a game once it gets past around the 2-3 month mark. Very difficult to spend that much time intimately with someone and not develop feelings. Anyone contemplating having an affair for a bit of fun - beware! Danger lies within!

[Doublegold]

Thankyou LadyD. I have followed your story and posts and you continually impress me. You are a strong, forgiving woman who has had that taken advantage of by WS.

 

You are spot on about the facade that people (sometimes) present themselves as in order to meet and find a certain "criteria" they require in a relationship/spouse.

 

I went to grief therapy and it ultimately had me face some hard truths about my longterm marriage. And sitting there exposing my deepest thoughts/feelings/experiences to a 'stranger' (albeit an extremely insightful/intelligent one) I look back at it now and wonder why couldn't X and I have be that open and honest with one another? Instead we bottled up resentments and the darn cork popped and it all came out in an explosion.

 

"The Stranger Beside Me" is more than a book title!

[Grapesofwrath]

This is so relatable to me. I am transparent, and what you see is what you get. I have found throughout my life that people confide in me, find me easy to talk to and even reveal some seriously innermost secrets pretty quickly.

 

But no one inasmuch as MM. But then again--he had so much bottled up since childhood, and many many hidden aspects of himself. His closest friend since childhood knew of some of his acting out, and was geniunely concerned and thanked me for what he felt was pulling MM back from some risky behavior.

 

All that being said-after he secretly went to IC he eventually told his W and revealed a few truisms--I don't love you romantically anymore, I lost my virginity this way not the way I told you, I had more than one sexual partner before you--and yes--I watch porn and I like it.....an attempt at some authenticity. She recoiled in horror and it got shut down pretty quick. After that, any challenges about "Are you in an Affair" etc stopped.

 

So to stay on topic my post is in argreement that to have such a hidden side of yourself to your spouse is a complete lack of intimacy. People can go back and forth about sex vs. love, how women process sex vs men, what affairs mean to MM or MW and why they happen.

 

The bottome line--if you are not able to be yourself with your spouse, open and honest about who you are or where you've been....then what do you have? How can someone love someone who in many ways are a stranger in reality?

 

Without intimacy, both emotional and physical, the M is no more than roommates. And that is why Affairs exist.

 

YEs, DG, that's it precisely. Over time I noticed a pattern in the stories xMM would tell me. Stories of secrets he kept from his BW. secrets that her sister kept from her. that her children kept from her. THat his business partners and friends kept from her. One day, I asked..."Why does everyone keep secrets from BW?" HE answered that it was because she is so "black and white about things." I just nodded my head and thought, "have you ever considered that maybe it's because you are all too cowardly to show her who you really are?" their desire to avoid conflict from her had them just hiding things from her. In his case, hiding some really terrible things that she would have every right to meet with anger.

[Confused9999]

YEs, DG, that's it precisely. Over time I noticed a pattern in the stories xMM would tell me. Stories of secrets he kept from his BW. secrets that her sister kept from her. that her children kept from her. THat his business partners and friends kept from her. One day, I asked..."Why does everyone keep secrets from BW?" HE answered that it was because she is so "black and white about things." I just nodded my head and thought, "have you ever considered that maybe it's because you are all too cowardly to show her who you really are?" their desire to avoid conflict from her had them just hiding things from her. In his case, hiding some really terrible things that she would have every right to meet with anger.

 

I think it's a matter of the "growing a tree" concept.

 

You usually don't start out trying to hide things from your spouse.

However the longer you are married the more small things you may decide not to say because either you think they will cause an argument, or you don't think she will like what you are saying, or just thought it's not relevant at this time.

 

But one thing growing into another thing and the whole web of deceit gets bigger and bigger. The more little white lies and the more secrets, with each of them being negligible, but together are growing into a big tree between you!

 

The longer you are married the bigger that tree might be and it's almost impossible to now go back and reveal all. You would not even know where to start and the shock might be too much.

So the typical thing is you just let it be... Until one day it explodes for some reason or another.

 

I bet everyone has these whether their marriage is awesome or not!

[Doublegold]

It truly is quite sad. The person you have children with. What could possibly be more of an intimate experience then a couple being in a room giving birth to their child?

 

The fault in the stars is that couples forget to put their relationship above all else. I remember a friend saying to me many many moons ago--If he and I aren't happy no one will be happy. And she was right. I understood her thought process, but that it is not often the norm.

 

It is normal for children to take precedence over a tired, working, married team. That is nature. I see that in my own family. The problem begins when outside infulences take precedence over the spouse beyond the care and nuturing of the children. Work, Siblings, Parents etc.. It may be work, kids school, siblings, but it isn't the spouse. Fact. Spouses feel neglected and build their own satisfaction.

 

That builds resentment and resentment builds walls and then both are responsible for the ultimate fallout.

[Josmatjes]

This is so relatable to me. I am transparent, and what you see is what you get. I have found throughout my life that people confide in me, find me easy to talk to and even reveal some seriously innermost secrets pretty quickly.

 

But no one inasmuch as MM. But then again--he had so much bottled up since childhood, and many many hidden aspects of himself. His closest friend since childhood knew of some of his acting out, and was geniunely concerned and thanked me for what he felt was pulling MM back from some risky behavior.

 

All that being said-after he secretly went to IC he eventually told his W and revealed a few truisms--I don't love you romantically anymore, I lost my virginity this way not the way I told you, I had more than one sexual partner before you--and yes--I watch porn and I like it.....an attempt at some authenticity. She recoiled in horror and it got shut down pretty quick. After that, any challenges about "Are you in an Affair" etc stopped.

 

So to stay on topic my post is in argreement that to have such a hidden side of yourself to your spouse is a complete lack of intimacy. People can go back and forth about sex vs. love, how women process sex vs men, what affairs mean to MM or MW and why they happen.

 

The bottome line--if you are not able to be yourself with your spouse, open and honest about who you are or where you've been....then what do you have? How can someone love someone who in many ways are a stranger in reality?

 

Without intimacy, both emotional and physical, the M is no more than roommates. And that is why Affairs exist.

 

There is so much truth in what you say. I dated my husband for a few years before we got engaged and married and had our children. Our sex life started declining when we were dating for 6 months and then after we got engaged he said he felt we should abstain till our wedding night!! WTF? So so many huge waving red flags in my face but I was young and I just thought it would pass... Well guess what? Not only did it not pass bit it got steadily worse. Our worst has been at this point we have had sex twice in the past 4 1/2 years! He knew I was sexual when we got married but refused to be upfront with me and now it's 8 months we are separated and this was not what I wanted. I'm sad that he couldn't confide in me and maybe we could of worked something out, I loved him I would of done anything but he didn't give me the chance.

He knows now that we aren't compatable and that he should of told me but it's too late...

People need to be upfront no matter what...

[ladydesigner]

Thankyou LadyD. I have followed your story and posts and you continually impress me. You are a strong, forgiving woman who has had that taken advantage of by WS.

 

You are spot on about the facade that people (sometimes) present themselves as in order to meet and find a certain "criteria" they require in a relationship/spouse.

 

I went to grief therapy and it ultimately had me face some hard truths about my longterm marriage. And sitting there exposing my deepest thoughts/feelings/experiences to a 'stranger' (albeit an extremely insightful/intelligent one) I look back at it now and wonder why couldn't X and I have be that open and honest with one another? Instead we bottled up resentments and the darn cork popped and it all came out in an explosion.

 

"The Stranger Beside Me" is more than a book title!

 

Thank you for the book suggestion! I'm going to look into it;) It sounds interesting!