Curious about MM/MW mindset

[Girlfromcali]

No, I think Confused is my MM..or maybe you both are.

Thank you for your replies. It's actually pretty funny but a long time ago I was asking this OM questions, and he said that he thought I was his AP.

 

But yeah..I would never want my MM to separate from his W. Actually, once he told me they were going to, and it made me very nervous. It supposedly didn't have anything to do with me, nor did they end up splitting of course. I have no desire to replace his W. I don't want her life at all.

[jenkins95]

No, I think Confused is my MM..or maybe you both are.

Thank you for your replies. It's actually pretty funny but a long time ago I was asking this OM questions, and he said that he thought I was his AP.

 

Yes, it's amazing how often we read the same stories and see the same patterns happening over and over again. It just shows that we are all cut from same cloth deep down. Cut us, any of us...and we'll bleed. And the pain will probably be quite similar.

 

Just catching up on your posts cali because I've been away from LS for a while. You do write really nicely. Keep posting - we are here for you. And things will get better!

Edited May 13, 2016 by jenkins95

[Confused9999]

No, I think Confused is my MM..or maybe you both are.

Thank you for your replies. It's actually pretty funny but a long time ago I was asking this OM questions, and he said that he thought I was his AP.

 

But yeah..I would never want my MM to separate from his W. Actually, once he told me they were going to, and it made me very nervous. It supposedly didn't have anything to do with me, nor did they end up splitting of course. I have no desire to replace his W. I don't want her life at all.

 

 

Bwahahahah.. I'm actually Jenkins and Girlfromcali real AP :eek:

 

But seriously.. Just shows that people are people and we are all facing similar situations in our marriages and the stupid choices we make in our lives.

 

Having said that... And of course this comes from the fact there was no Dday... I don't regret it. It was an emotional roller coaster. There were crazy highs and really bad lows. But I still don't regret the journey.

[Confused9999]

Confused9999 you said:

 

Confused:

 

What changed in the relationship that you all of sudden realized you fell in love with her? Was there some type of competition suddenly from someone?

 

Did you think it was the kind of love that would survive a REAL relationship or marriage?

 

 

Bingo!!! This is not the first time this has happened (previous ex girlfriend same thing happened) to me where a competition from another guy made me suddenly realize what I would lose and the feelings I have.

I had many FWB before and usually could just walk away.. They wanted more and I could just say no thanks and move on. But obviously in some cases i could not and realized I had feelings for them.

 

Regarding the other question, would it survive.. That is hard to say.

I am not going to go into details but this was not an affair where I saw her once a month in a far away place and we were in Lala land.

We were together all the time and had good times, hard times, life stresses etc... It was more like a real relationship.

Of course to be realistic, we did not live together, we did not do family events or deal with mortgages and other issues... Also I doubt the sex would continue to be as hot and primal if we lived together and can do it as often as we like.

 

However all in all I think it could of worked.

But here is the kicker... If I take my logical self and put the reality of life together with my AP....

If reality is going to be like I wrote it, then it's not better then my marriage now, and my wife who I still love, so why would I break up my family.

[Girlfromcali]

Bingo!!! This is not the first time this has happened (previous ex girlfriend same thing happened) to me where a competition from another guy made me suddenly realize what I would lose and the feelings I have.

I had many FWB before and usually could just walk away.. They wanted more and I could just say no thanks and move on. But obviously in some cases i could not and realized I had feelings for them.

 

Regarding the other question, would it survive.. That is hard to say.

I am not going to go into details but this was not an affair where I saw her once a month in a far away place and we were in Lala land.

We were together all the time and had good times, hard times, life stresses etc... It was more like a real relationship.

Of course to be realistic, we did not live together, we did not do family events or deal with mortgages and other issues... Also I doubt the sex would continue to be as hot and primal if we lived together and can do it as often as we like.

 

However all in all I think it could of worked.

But here is the kicker... If I take my logical self and put the reality of life together with my AP....

If reality is going to be like I wrote it, then it's not better then my marriage now, and my wife who I still love, so why would I break up my family.

 

That's so weird to me that you were able to be with her all the time without your W finding out. I only met my MM twice and both times the W sensed "something was up". That's the reason there was never the third time. I just couldn't handle knowing she knew something was wrong. I mean she knows him, so he can't do anything behind her back. She didn't even say anything to him about it, but she knew. Then when he did confess, she was like "I knew it!!"

[Liam1]

Bwahahahah.

Having said that... And of course this comes from the fact there was no Dday... I don't regret it. It was an emotional roller coaster. There were crazy highs and really bad lows. But I still don't regret the journey.

 

Well, I had a Dday, and I do not regret the affair, either. I know that likely riles some people, but it is the truth.

 

In my particular case, my wife and I were living separate lives and moving further and further apart.

 

IMO, and in my specific case, and I only speak for me, the affair saved my marriage. It was a wake up call to both my wife and me.

 

In my case, the marriage was slowly dying of neglect and we were not even aware of it.

 

The affair put the marriage on life support for awhile, and Dday, gave it a shot of "epi stat."

 

That major shocking shot of adrenaline kick started the marriage again and gave it a second life.

 

I wish I could have found another way to achieve that, but my wife kept refusing counseling.......until Dday.

[Got it]

Remember what i posted, it always starts off as a fun NSA affair until....

 

Lol! Understood. I married my MM. I am fully aware what can happen.

[Liam1]

Bingo!!! This is not the first time this has happened (previous ex girlfriend same thing happened) to me where a competition from another guy made me suddenly realize what I would lose and the feelings I have.

 

Is it possible, you just wanted something you thought you could not have, rather than really really wanting this relationship with all its unknown variables?

 

That's just something to ponder.

 

Competition can do that to you. It makes you fear losing what you have, even if you may not really know what you would be losing.

 

 

We were together all the time and had good times, hard times, life stresses etc... It was more like a real relationship.

Of course to be realistic, we did not live together, we did not do family events or deal with mortgages and other issues... Also I doubt the sex would continue to be as hot and primal if we lived together and can do it as often as we like.

I think that you at least have realistic view of the issues or lack of issues in the affair and the reality of the likely fading passion.

 

If reality is going to be like I wrote it, then it's not better then my marriage now, and my wife who I still love, so why would I break up my family.

Excellent logic, IMO.

 

The grass is typically not greener in a different back yard. It just seems that way until you really get up close to it. People are people and passion fades in any long term relationship.

[Got it]

I decided to have my own A after discovering my WH's first cheating (not sure if it was an A or not) and it started with minor flirting and then PA. I was not attached to xOM in the beginning, but by the end of our A I was definitely attached because of how badly I hurt when he ended it. It also took me a year to get over it.

 

This was a factor for my MM as well. After finding out about his wife's previous affair, it really killed his feelings towards her. He was staying in the marriage for the kids and planned to leave when they grew up but wasn't connected emotionally to her and allowed him to be open to another relationship. I am sure, in fact know, he has been attracted to other women but was never unfaithful until that point. Afterwards he was there but his heart wasn't in it.

[ladydesigner]

This was a factor for my MM as well. After finding out about his wife's previous affair, it really killed his feelings towards her. He was staying in the marriage for the kids and planned to leave when they grew up but wasn't connected emotionally to her and allowed him to be open to another relationship. I am sure, in fact know, he has been attracted to other women but was never unfaithful until that point. Afterwards he was there but his heart wasn't in it.

 

Yep this is totally me, I cannot see for the life of me, becoming emotionally attached to my WH again. He is not a safe person and it is not just because of his multiple A's it is also his emotional and mental manipulations that I have to constantly deflect. I do not want to go down the A path again, but at some point I do probably need to move on. I am getting my ducks in a row right now!

[Grapesofwrath]

Bingo!!! This is not the first time this has happened (previous ex girlfriend same thing happened) to me where a competition from another guy made me suddenly realize what I would lose and the feelings I have.

I had many FWB before and usually could just walk away.. They wanted more and I could just say no thanks and move on. But obviously in some cases i could not and realized I had feelings for them.

 

Regarding the other question, would it survive.. That is hard to say.

I am not going to go into details but this was not an affair where I saw her once a month in a far away place and we were in Lala land.

We were together all the time and had good times, hard times, life stresses etc... It was more like a real relationship.

Of course to be realistic, we did not live together, we did not do family events or deal with mortgages and other issues... Also I doubt the sex would continue to be as hot and primal if we lived together and can do it as often as we like.

 

However all in all I think it could of worked.

But here is the kicker... If I take my logical self and put the reality of life together with my AP....

If reality is going to be like I wrote it, then it's not better then my marriage now, and my wife who I still love, so why would I break up my family.

 

Confused...once again you remind me very much of the xMM in your sentiments. I would add that in his case, it was not just about the passion and sex (though that was part of it.) I think he was also using the A to reconnect with a lost part of himself. To hear him tell it, prior to marriage he enjoyed a lot of things that are now off-limits to him in married life. (I know you're all thinking..."like other women, perhaps?"). Things that are not unreasonable, like certain types of music, particular sex acts (i.e. oral sex) or smoking marijuana on occasion. His wife "forbids" him to do these things. (his word, not mine.) I am more of a libertine, so with me, he could enjoy these activities and reconnect with that part of his personality. Being with me was like being himself again, half a lifetime ago. I think this is a big part of why he loved being with me. Doesn't make him a monster. Doesn't change my stance on ending the affair.

 

The difference is that I was being myself with him. I am that person all the time, and I live with integrity that way. He is not that way all the time. When with his family, he is someone else and puts that part of himself on a shelf and denies its existence. Sometimes, in marriage, those are the sacrifices that people make. I think that's a bit of a tragedy, though. Having to hide oneself within one's marriage is a bit of a soul death, IMO.

[Quiet Storm]

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

Edited May 13, 2016 by Quiet Storm

[Girlfromcali]

I also think that my MM was trying to reconnect with a lost part of himself. I don't think it has anything to do with him not loving his W.

 

Simply put, he can't do the same things with his W because it's not physically possible.

 

I remember him asking why is he doing it, or "what is it about you" that made him cheat.

 

This is where the confusion enters, because I thought in my girly romantic mind that I really was special, where in reality he was looking for the lost part of himself.

 

And I guess in the beginning I wanted to be that, but then all the hormones and chemicals start messing with my brain and it becomes difficult.

[Confused9999]

Is it possible, you just wanted something you thought you could not have, rather than really really wanting this relationship with all its unknown variables?

 

That's just something to ponder.

 

Competition can do that to you. It makes you fear losing what you have, even if you may not really know what you would be losing.

 

 

I think that you at least have realistic view of the issues or lack of issues in the affair and the reality of the likely fading passion.

 

Excellent logic, IMO.

 

The grass is typically not greener in a different back yard. It just seems that way until you really get up close to it. People are people and passion fades in any long term relationship.

 

 

I think the competition woke me up to me feelings that were already there that I chose not to acknowledge before. I don't think it created them.

 

My AP and I were very compatible and told each other everything... Things I have never told other people and she did the same. We also, like I mentioned, had good, bad, and normal times not just crazy affair sex so I know what it's like to be with her day to day. Plus it was not a 1 time or 3 time or even a couple of months.. We are talking almost 3 years. You get to know someone very well

We were also more sexually compatible then my W, And I could say that with certainty since 3 years later the sex was still HOT. That can't only be due to it being an A.

 

But... As I mentioned in a marriage my AP would be better in some cases and worse in others compared to what I have now so like you mentioned would not of been necessarily greener.

[Confused9999]

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

 

Excellent post... The bottom line is that a lot of research shows that men are usually happy in their marriage and can have an affair, while a woman typically has something wrong in the marriage to look for an affair.

 

Women can't understand this and mistake the passion and sex for love and start bonding much quicker, due to the Oxytocin. And even if the MM truly does love the OW, there is likely nothing terribly wrong in his marriage to give everything up, especially if he has kids.

 

In my case although I was never unhappy in my married I must admit eventually I did think of leaving once or twice because I truly loved my AP. But because nothing was necessarily broken in my marriage I would always snap out of it.

[Confused9999]

Confused...once again you remind me very much of the xMM in your sentiments. I would add that in his case, it was not just about the passion and sex (though that was part of it.) I think he was also using the A to reconnect with a lost part of himself. To hear him tell it, prior to marriage he enjoyed a lot of things that are now off-limits to him in married life. (I know you're all thinking..."like other women, perhaps?"). Things that are not unreasonable, like certain types of music, particular sex acts (i.e. oral sex) or smoking marijuana on occasion. His wife "forbids" him to do these things. (his word, not mine.) I am more of a libertine, so with me, he could enjoy these activities and reconnect with that part of his personality. Being with me was like being himself again, half a lifetime ago. I think this is a big part of why he loved being with me. Doesn't make him a monster. Doesn't change my stance on ending the affair.

 

The difference is that I was being myself with him. I am that person all the time, and I live with integrity that way. He is not that way all the time. When with his family, he is someone else and puts that part of himself on a shelf and denies its existence. Sometimes, in marriage, those are the sacrifices that people make. I think that's a bit of a tragedy, though. Having to hide oneself within one's marriage is a bit of a soul death, IMO.

 

 

Although that seems more extreme then me I did feel "alive" in the affair. The primal passion and emotions and porn quality sex was enticing!

 

I think I was not losing myself in my marriage.. But rather it was a different part of myself then I was with my AP.

I think sexually I was a LOT more open with the AP then with my wife. Not necessarily because my wife would not do it but she has never been that adventurous and after many years of the same you end up in a rut which is very hard to break out of.

 

We also enjoyed doing many things together, non sexual, that my wife didn't. Not necessarily because my W refused but because she was just not into doing that activity while my AP would love it.

 

So just different people I suppose and was different with each of them.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Confused9999

[loveisanaction]

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

 

Very few people understand the concept of affairs, this person is one of them.

[Grey Cloud]

Ok I can share my views and experiences.. This does not mean you exMM was the same.

 

What I am going to say may not be that popular in this forum but it will be honest, and likely true to most MM whether they publically say it or not.

 

First off I am a very logical person and am able to easily compartmentalize, in fact most men tend to be this way based on how the male brain works. We can block things out and concentrate on a task at hand.

So when I was with my AP I did not think of my W. It was as simple as that.

 

When I was with my W, especially in the beginning of the A, I just did not think of my AP. Simple..the AP was wild crazy sex and a lot of fun but just for that moment. Nothing to do with my real life with my W. In fact when you wrote in your other post

"My xMM used to phone home every night, when he was spending the night with me. He would excuse himself to another room and make "a quick call." After the call, he would return to wherever I was, apologize for the interruption, and return to whatever we were doing. No guilt. No internal conflict. Unbelievable compartmentalization. "

I actually did that many times!

 

 

I also did not think to empathize about what would an A do to my wife for several reasons. First I did not expect to be caught so no harm done, and in fact I have not been caught.

Second I was in an affair fog. Basically looking back I was not thinking rationally.

 

In the beginning I would feel guilt and actually tried to stop the A several times but either i gave in and got back or the OW sucked me back in.

But as time wore on the guilt subsided and the routine become normal. As weird as that sounds it's true.

 

What really threw a wrench into this was my feelings for AP. I did not expect any and it suddenly dawned on me that I had them.

Then I had a bigger problem where I could not compartmentalize as well and when I was with my W I thought of OW. That's when I knew this was a big problem.

 

Confused - you sound EXACTLY like my xMM as well. In the beginning we had the conversation early on that we weren't leaving our partners and my xMM said "I can handle it as long as it doesn't start changing things at home". He seemed very logical and able to compartmentalise extremely well. He did have guilt but like you that subsided. We also worked together so he had his home life and his separate work life (with me). A few months in he started struggling. He admitted thoughts of me were beginning to intrude at home and he was missing me when he wasn't with me. I found this a bit strange as thoughts of him were in my head 24/7!

 

What really stuffed him up was when he started developing emotional feelings for me. This is when his wife sensed something was up and started confronting him. He told me he started comparing me to his wife and how that was unfair on her. He knew he loved his wife and his feelings for me were messing him up and confusing him. He had thought about leaving his W for me but ultimately that was never part of the plan and there was nothing that wrong with his marriage to start with. That he couldn't fall for me anymore as it would be disastrous. When he couldn't compartmentalise anymore that's when we ended.

 

Did your wife pick up on things at all during your A?

[nugget_718]

Well, I had a Dday, and I do not regret the affair, either. I know that likely riles some people, but it is the truth.

 

In my particular case, my wife and I were living separate lives and moving further and further apart.

 

 

I was not going to chime in because there is nothing that I could add to this other than what everyone had already covered but what you said here somewhat resonated with me. MY MM said the same thing...that he does not regret being with me and feels no guilt when he makes time to come and see me. He also says that him and his wife lives separate lives and they each do their own thing. Now this is coming from someone who just got married last August . Why even get married at all!! They could have just stayed together like they were before...on and off, since they've been doing that for more than 15 yrs already. What's another 15 yrs? That way either one is free and not legally tied and they can go their merry way once they get tired of each other. It seemed to work for them for more than a decade.

[nugget_718]

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

 

 

Wow Quietstorm, you just put things in perspective for me. I am new to this game. I am involved with MM who used to be my BF. We broke up because first and foremost, we were LD and his ex at that time (who he is now married to) was living in the same country as he is and they reconnected...just like all the other times when they broke up and got back together dating back to15 yrs. Anyway, he told me that he got married because it was what was expected of him and what she deserved (?) He says at that time, he didn't think that we will ever see each other again or I will ever talk to him again because of how we ended (he betrayed my trust but that is veering off the topic). He said he didn't get married knowing with a secret plan to woo me back into a relationship. But that he had always loved me, never stopped caring and never moved on. Funny way of saying he never moved on when he went to marry his on again off again GF . Anyway, to get back on track and to what you said, yes, I agree that MM's do value the connection they have with their AP (well, most that is). I know this because my MM makes me feel this all the time and also matches it with actions.

[Confused9999]

Confused - you sound EXACTLY like my xMM as well. In the beginning we had the conversation early on that we weren't leaving our partners and my xMM said "I can handle it as long as it doesn't start changing things at home". He seemed very logical and able to compartmentalise extremely well. He did have guilt but like you that subsided. We also worked together so he had his home life and his separate work life (with me). A few months in he started struggling. He admitted thoughts of me were beginning to intrude at home and he was missing me when he wasn't with me. I found this a bit strange as thoughts of him were in my head 24/7!

 

What really stuffed him up was when he started developing emotional feelings for me. This is when his wife sensed something was up and started confronting him. He told me he started comparing me to his wife and how that was unfair on her. He knew he loved his wife and his feelings for me were messing him up and confusing him. He had thought about leaving his W for me but ultimately that was never part of the plan and there was nothing that wrong with his marriage to start with. That he couldn't fall for me anymore as it would be disastrous. When he couldn't compartmentalise anymore that's when we ended.

 

Did your wife pick up on things at all during your A?

 

 

LOL.. I am like everyone's exMM. I must be having a lot more affairs then I thought !!! :laugh:

 

My wife never gave me any indication that she found out or was even suspicious.. She never questioned me on anything or asked me for specific details of where I was.

 

Considering it was an LTA either I was VERY good at compartmentalizing, which I was, or she maybe felt something was off but put her head in the sand and did not want to face the truth or situation.

 

I really don't know the answer but I have a suspicion it must be somewhere in between.

[jenkins95]

Brilliant post quiet storm. You have got into the mindset of a typical MM there. This describes me down to a tee.

 

I see this mindset often on this board. OW often get high expectations, and it's because they know that MMs love is genuine. They believe in the MM's love for them. They can feel it.

 

The problem is that OW thinks that because the love is real, it will prompt him to leave his wife. To them, MM leaving is a step in the natural progression of the relationship.

 

Many women place a very high importance on connection and relationships. They want to be with the one that they love. From OW point of view, it's "We fell in love and have an amazing connection, so we should be together. Let's do what it takes to make it happen". They see love as a catalyst for change.

 

OW don't realize that many MM love their OW and still want to stay married. This is a foreign concept to most OW and makes no sense.

 

From MM's point of view, it's, "We fell in love and have an amazing connection. When this ends, I will really miss her". MM value the connection with OW, but they see their lives as already "set". They aren't looking to change their home base. They want to enhance their existing life. Love is not a catalyst for change (in most cases).

 

The bottom line (that we see on this board time & time again) is that MM often feel their commitment, responsibilities and legacy are a higher priority than love. OW often end up brokenhearted because they feel that MM will place the same value on love that she does.

 

I think OW often feel "my affair will end differently" because they truly feel the love emoting from MM. They have faith, and it's so hard to let go, because the feelings are real. They hear about all the other affairs that don't work out, and they think "this is different because he really loves me". When the truth is that many of these affairs that never worked out involved genuine love. They often don't consider the very common MM mindset of "I really do love the OW, but I'm staying married"

[jenkins95]

Again, confused, all I really need to say to this post is "ditto"!

 

We seemed so compatible in EVERY way. Not that me and my wife are not, just that it seemed almost spooky how closely aligned I was to the AP - finishing each others sentences, etc.

 

I do recognise that much of this is due to being in the "fog" and that you will go out of your way to align yourself to and accommodate your AP's needs when you are so excited, in love and you just want it to be perfect. This happens subconsciously and you are so focused and invested in that person that you pick up on their needs and desires straight away and do anything you can to fulfil them - it feels like magic, but a lot of it is simply due the incredible amount of effort that both are putting into this amazing new relationship. We've all read the advice - "If you put just half the effort you put into your A into your marriage then your marriage would soon be fine!". There's probably a lot of wisdom in that!

 

Of course, with the passing of time, it's almost inevitable that you would start to notice a few incompatibles and as things started to feel less new and exciting, you would probably be less inclined to accommodate any differences. At this point the relationship would feel more normal. It could still be great, but would probably feel less "magic" and you may start to realise that actually it is not much different to how your marriage is, and that the early days of that relationship too seemed magical.

 

Although that seems more extreme then me I did feel "alive" in the affair. The primal passion and emotions and porn quality sex was enticing!

 

I think I was not losing myself in my marriage.. But rather it was a different part of myself then I was with my AP.

I think sexually I was a LOT more open with the AP then with my wife. Not necessarily because my wife would not do it but she has never been that adventurous and after many years of the same you end up in a rut which is very hard to break out of.

 

We also enjoyed doing many things together, non sexual, that my wife didn't. Not necessarily because my W refused but because she was just not into doing that activity while my AP would love it.

 

So just different people I suppose and was different with each of them.

Edited May 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Very few people understand the concept of affairs, this person is one of them.

 

Agreed loveisanaction. Storm's post is a classic and should ideally be made sticky. This is the sort of stuff we all need to read as it lays things with a disarming obviousness and clarity. Thanks for your great posts Storm .

 

You are another poster who understands A dynamics very well indeed, loveisanaction. I have read a lot of your posts and admire you clarity of thought and excellent no-nonsense style - they help a lot. Please keep them coming love. You are genuinely helping people.

Edited May 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Great that you stopped when you did GC. I know you are not proud of what happened, but it is impressive that you did at least have regular conversations like this and seem to have monitored how much you were thinking of and falling for each other. Then you ended it before it was too late and before D-days happen. Me and my AP didn't do that and this is another big regret of mine. We fell deeper and deeper and got more and more obsessed and less careless all the way to the inevitable D-days. Looking back, there are several key times in the affair, where I think "Why didn't we stop there" or "If we'd stopped at that point, we could have parted as good friends and minimal damage would have been done". But we didn't - and it all ended in one big destructive mess. Apart from all the other damage D-day does, it usually means that the A has to end it quickly in an abrupt, cold, urgent, desperate, heartbreaking, desperate manner, without being able to take the time to be gentle with each other, break up "nicely" and provide answers and comfort.

 

I think that the way it ended, this lack of closure and the horrible indelible memories of all aspects of D-day is my major challenge in recovery - it plays on my mind a lot.

 

While none of us who end up in affairs deserve a pat on the back, I do respect the ones like you that monitored their feelings and pulled the plug before it got out of hand!

 

 

Confused - you sound EXACTLY like my xMM as well. In the beginning we had the conversation early on that we weren't leaving our partners and my xMM said "I can handle it as long as it doesn't start changing things at home". He seemed very logical and able to compartmentalise extremely well. He did have guilt but like you that subsided. We also worked together so he had his home life and his separate work life (with me). A few months in he started struggling. He admitted thoughts of me were beginning to intrude at home and he was missing me when he wasn't with me. I found this a bit strange as thoughts of him were in my head 24/7!

 

What really stuffed him up was when he started developing emotional feelings for me. This is when his wife sensed something was up and started confronting him. He told me he started comparing me to his wife and how that was unfair on her. He knew he loved his wife and his feelings for me were messing him up and confusing him. He had thought about leaving his W for me but ultimately that was never part of the plan and there was nothing that wrong with his marriage to start with. That he couldn't fall for me anymore as it would be disastrous. When he couldn't compartmentalise anymore that's when we ended.

 

Did your wife pick up on things at all during your A?