My Ex Broke Up With Me & I Broke The No Contact Rule **Updated**

[Simon Phoenix]

A question I have is what happens to the foundation your relationship was built on? That friendship and bond?

 

To me I feel the NC does help you heal, but at the same time just feels like a mind game that makes you avoid resolving anything. (Yes you told me she doesn't want to resolve it) but where does the friendship go? Why do you have to re-establish it? Because she said to me that we can talk about things and share in exciting moments as we do want to be friends. She mentioned friendship, it wasn't me who asked. She said right now I just need to stay strong and do my own thing. I'm just a little confused on where the friendship suddenly went?

 

Friendship is something a lot of dumpers offer to be nice. But even if the friendship offer was genuine, you need to work past the romantic feelings and expectations first. That takes considerable time, so friendship isn't realistic right now. Will it be down the road? Maybe, but you probably won't be besties or anything.

[LD1990]

NC is only a mind game if you use it that way. It's intended to help you get over your ex and move on with your life, and it's undoubtedly the best way to do that. It's not a tactic for getting your ex back, although many try to use it for that (almost always unsuccessfully).

 

It's extremely rare for exes to be true friends. As Simon Phoenix said, dumpers may offer friendship, but you have to take that offer with a grain of salt. It's typically done for one of two reasons:

1. So the dumper still has the dumpee around for emotional support when necessary, and as a backup plan in case they don't find anyone better.

2. To alleviate the dumper's guilt over the breakup.

 

And the only reason that dumpees accept friendship is because they hope it will eventually allow them to get the ex back.

 

Regardless of how well both parties got along, it's not going to be a friendship built on a solid foundation. The dumper will be, at best, a distant friend that only has real talks with the dumpee when in need of emotional support. The dumpee won't be able to get over their ex, because they're both still in contact, giving the dumpee false hope.

 

I'm sure most if not all of us here have been in your shoes. I know I was, and I thought the exact same way you did. I'd read about NC, and people on another forum would tell me it's not a tool to get your ex back, it's for healing, and I'd stubbornly ignore that and keep telling myself why a NC period was going to bring my ex back. All that did was delay my healing. After getting screwed with by my ex over the course of a couple weeks, I'd had enough. I told her to get her damn **** from my apartment, because I wasn't her personal storage unit, and when she asked if we were gonna be friends, I gave her a firm no. Then I focused on living a kick ass life, making it the best life possible regardless of what women were in it. Best decision I ever made.

 

We can give you all the advice in the world. It ain't gonna matter until you take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and decide who you want to be. Decide how much you value yourself, and how much self-respect you have. Is she better than you? Because you're acting like she is. She dumped you, which means she is completely OK with the possibility of losing you. That's how little she values you at this point. A relationship can't work like that. There's two ways you can go here. You can be a man who makes the hard decision to walk away, pride intact and with his head held high. Rejecting any offers to "be friends." Or you can be a boy, clinging to whatever she'll give you, and end up as her pen pal while she dates and hooks up with other guys.

 

It may come across as harsh, and I know this is very painful, but that's life. You have to accept the reality of your situation for your own long-term happiness.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

A question I have is what happens to the foundation your relationship was built on? That friendship and bond?

 

To me I feel the NC does help you heal, but at the same time just feels like a mind game that makes you avoid resolving anything. (Yes you told me she doesn't want to resolve it) but where does the friendship go? Why do you have to re-establish it? Because she said to me that we can talk about things and share in exciting moments as we do want to be friends. She mentioned friendship, it wasn't me who asked. She said right now I just need to stay strong and do my own thing. I'm just a little confused on where the friendship suddenly went?

 

Most of time it ends up being a casualty caught in the crossfire. Relationships are complex once they turn romantic. It is one of the risks of falling in love with someone.

 

Try and keep your mind busy on positive things. I hope you are have a better day today.

 

Take care.

[Matthew1211]

Thanks everyone, just taking things one day at a time. I appreciate your feedback.

[Matthew1211]

Most of time it ends up being a casualty caught in the crossfire. Relationships are complex once they turn romantic. It is one of the risks of falling in love with someone.

 

Try and keep your mind busy on positive things. I hope you are have a better day today.

 

Take care.

 

Thanks! Honestly, I'm doing better each day. I constantly have different thoughts going through my head. There are times I feel I'm letting go then I'll be in a movie theater (today) watching a film with a love story and I literally feel like I'm about to cry lol. I nearly did as it hit home. My emotions are everywhere, but also her and I saw movies together all the time so it's hard. But it's a hobby of mine. It's all hard to comprehend but each day I'm getting a little better. Therapy is slowly helping, being with friends and family helps too. It's just taking it all a day at a time.

[neowulf]

Thanks! Honestly, I'm doing better each day. I constantly have different thoughts going through my head. There are times I feel I'm letting go then I'll be in a movie theater (today) watching a film with a love story and I literally feel like I'm about to cry lol. I nearly did as it hit home. My emotions are everywhere, but also her and I saw movies together all the time so it's hard. But it's a hobby of mine. It's all hard to comprehend but each day I'm getting a little better. Therapy is slowly helping, being with friends and family helps too. It's just taking it all a day at a time.

 

What you're describing is a completely normal part of grieving.

One foot in front of the other, just like you've been doing.

 

You'll be ok.

[Matthew1211]

What you're describing is a completely normal part of grieving.

One foot in front of the other, just like you've been doing.

 

You'll be ok.

 

Thanks. I still wake up every morning with a nervous feeling in my stomach that she's permanently gone and it hurts me. It hurts because I don't understand how we went from talking everyday to just silence. It just bothers me that someone who you supposedly meant a lot to and someone who means so much to me is gone. I feel like I barely know her anymore. I just don't like it.

[Gemini_jo]

Hey Matt,

 

That empty feeling in your stomach will be there for quite sometime. And it only gets worse if you break no contact in any manner.

 

Love doesn't make sense. One day you can be on top of the world and the next day it can be all gone. That's just the way life is.

 

You will have to accept that you will never understand.

 

Just keep on keeping on, you'll get there.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thanks. I still wake up every morning with a nervous feeling in my stomach that she's permanently gone and it hurts me. It hurts because I don't understand how we went from talking everyday to just silence. It just bothers me that someone who you supposedly meant a lot to and someone who means so much to me is gone. I feel like I barely know her anymore. I just don't like it.

 

I know it hurts and it doesn't make sense, but try not to dwell over it too much. It won't make you feel better, it just keeps going round on a vicious cycle. Try and focus on what you can do right now to be happy.

 

You're not alone.

[Matthew1211]

I know it hurts and it doesn't make sense, but try not to dwell over it too much. It won't make you feel better, it just keeps going round on a vicious cycle. Try and focus on what you can do right now to be happy.

 

You're not alone.

 

The problem is I just wake up thinking of it first. I believe I was dreaming about it and woke up anxious/nauseous right now. I am tired of feeling this way. I'm not sure what is making me continue. It's just that part of me still holding on. I guess it's just part of the grieving process as I feel I do improve a bit each day. It's just a lengthy recovery process I guess.

[BC1980]

The problem is I just wake up thinking of it first. I believe I was dreaming about it and woke up anxious/nauseous right now. I am tired of feeling this way. I'm not sure what is making me continue. It's just that part of me still holding on. I guess it's just part of the grieving process as I feel I do improve a bit each day. It's just a lengthy recovery process I guess.

 

What you are describing is normal. I remember feeling physically sick to my stomach for a few days after my last break up. I had never had a physical response to emotional pain before that. I used to have anxiety, and I would lie awake at night just wondering what was going to happen next. Hopefully, all of that will get better in the next few days. It is a part of the grief process. I think the best thing for you to do is to really structure your days out. Make sure you are getting up, taking a shower, going to the gym, going to work. Also, try to see some friends and be around people. But it really does help to give structure to your day. I think it adds some stability to what is an otherwise sort of chaotic existence at the time.

[Matthew1211]

What you are describing is normal. I remember feeling physically sick to my stomach for a few days after my last break up. I had never had a physical response to emotional pain before that. I used to have anxiety, and I would lie awake at night just wondering what was going to happen next. Hopefully, all of that will get better in the next few days. It is a part of the grief process. I think the best thing for you to do is to really structure your days out. Make sure you are getting up, taking a shower, going to the gym, going to work. Also, try to see some friends and be around people. But it really does help to give structure to your day. I think it adds some stability to what is an otherwise sort of chaotic existence at the time.

 

I agree. I have been seeing my friends on the weekends. The problem is I'm still looking for a full time job. I'm doing freelance in the meantime. But I know if I had a job I would be distracted for hours. When I'm sitting at home it's all I think about. We broke up over a month ago but I still get the effects of it. There's just so many times I want to turn to my Ex just to talk to her about something and I feel I can't. It's hard. Very hard. I just miss the friendship. I'm just kind of mopey today as well and I'm not sure why. I'm just waiting for our friendship to return. It's making me anxious because deep down I don't understand. I feel like every time I log on to Facebook and she happens to be on she signs off shortly after but I'm just assuming. I hate this process. I just miss her. It's not even so much the relationship, it's our bond and friendship that held us together. That person I could turn to whenever is out of my reach right now. I'm just really mopey today and it's the first in awhile for me.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Matthew1211

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree. I have been seeing my friends on the weekends. The problem is I'm still looking for a full time job. I'm doing freelance in the meantime. But I know if I had a job I would be distracted for hours. When I'm sitting at home it's all I think about. We broke up over a month ago but I still get the effects of it. There's just so many times I want to turn to my Ex just to talk to her about something and I feel I can't. It's hard. Very hard. I just miss the friendship. I'm just kind of mopey today as well and I'm not sure why. I'm just waiting for our friendship to return. It's making me anxious because deep down I don't understand. I feel like every time I log on to Facebook and she happens to be on she signs off shortly after but I'm just assuming. I hate this process. I just miss her. It's not even so much the relationship, it's our bond and friendship that held us together. That person I could turn to whenever is out of my reach right now. I'm just really mopey today and it's the first in awhile for me.

 

You need to stop monitoring her social media. At the very least you need to block her news feed so you don't know when she's logging on or logging off. As to the other point, you're trying to place logic behind something that's illogical. It's not going to "make sense" anytime soon and might never make sense. Right now the only thing that matters is the result, not the process of the result and the justification for that result. It's tough, but you have to retrain your brain to stop wondering about that. It'll just drive you crazy.

[Lifeissomething]

Progress: when you stop perusing your mental landscape asking why and how your ex-partner came to stop loving you, and start to accept the now.

 

It will take time. Reading your posts, it seems you've had a hard time coming to terms with her choice to move on, but that's a mistake of most dumpees. We compare their feelings to ours almost like we can have mature discourse with our partner because we both are working in the relationship and this is just small fall in the race, a mountain to climb, or a kidney stone to pass--but post-breakup that partner only exists in thought, not in reality. We play over the discussions and chats in our head as if we could say--"take me back", "look at how much I've changed for the better", "I love you, please one more chance!" etc...--and fix the relationship but in reality this new person has no desire to engage in such conversations, they--like their feelings--have moved on. You can continue to try and reason with the ghosts of her in your head, or accept that the girl you love in a spiritual sense, is dead.

 

I'm sorry man. It's an emotional roller coaster, but embrace the hard to read /accept advice (aka the negative) and realize that you're asking to save the Titanic and she's already 200 ft below. But fear not, you're on a life-boat and will survive.

[BC1980]

I agree. I have been seeing my friends on the weekends. The problem is I'm still looking for a full time job. I'm doing freelance in the meantime. But I know if I had a job I would be distracted for hours. When I'm sitting at home it's all I think about. We broke up over a month ago but I still get the effects of it. There's just so many times I want to turn to my Ex just to talk to her about something and I feel I can't. It's hard. Very hard. I just miss the friendship. I'm just kind of mopey today as well and I'm not sure why. I'm just waiting for our friendship to return. It's making me anxious because deep down I don't understand. I feel like every time I log on to Facebook and she happens to be on she signs off shortly after but I'm just assuming. I hate this process. I just miss her. It's not even so much the relationship, it's our bond and friendship that held us together. That person I could turn to whenever is out of my reach right now. I'm just really mopey today and it's the first in awhile for me.

 

You need to go NC if you have any hope of recovering. Having her on social media is not NC.

 

You don't need to hold onto an idea of friendship because that is not likely to ever happen. Exes don't usually remain friends and are not involved in each others lives. I have exes that I have no feelings for, but I am still not trying to develop a friendship with them. You can be cordial when you see her out, but you're not friends. You're just not, and it's not going to happen. You need to be focused on your healing, which does not involve her. There are other people you can be friends with. Invest your time with those people. She isn't the only person you can talk to about life.

[LD1990]

If you're waiting for the friendship to return, you're going to be waiting a long time. She's moving on with her life, without you in it.

 

You're asking for trouble staying Facebook friends with her. That first picture of your ex with another guy is like a punch in the damn stomach.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I agree. I have been seeing my friends on the weekends. The problem is I'm still looking for a full time job. I'm doing freelance in the meantime. But I know if I had a job I would be distracted for hours. When I'm sitting at home it's all I think about. We broke up over a month ago but I still get the effects of it. There's just so many times I want to turn to my Ex just to talk to her about something and I feel I can't. It's hard. Very hard. I just miss the friendship. I'm just kind of mopey today as well and I'm not sure why. I'm just waiting for our friendship to return. It's making me anxious because deep down I don't understand. I feel like every time I log on to Facebook and she happens to be on she signs off shortly after but I'm just assuming. I hate this process. I just miss her. It's not even so much the relationship, it's our bond and friendship that held us together. That person I could turn to whenever is out of my reach right now. I'm just really mopey today and it's the first in awhile for me.

 

You're having a bad day, but just keep reminding yourself that it will pass. The more things you can do to distract yourself from those thoughts the better.

 

Social media can make it even harder to let go. It is like an invisible link, but it tends to do more harm than good. It is so hard to let go. I'm sorry.

[BC1980]

Social media can make it even harder to let go. It is like an invisible link' date=' but it tends to do more harm than good. It is so hard to let go. I'm sorry.[/quote']

 

Social media is so damaging. It basically allows you to live in a fantasy. It allows you to create the fantasy that you are actually a part of this person's life. In reality, you have no relationship with them.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Social media is so damaging. It basically allows you to live in a fantasy. It allows you to create the fantasy that you are actually a part of this person's life. In reality, you have no relationship with them.

 

I know so many people that have had to either take a break from social media or block the person who they can't get over. It can easily become an obsession checking their profile, reading into their every action thinking it has something to do with them.

 

This sort of thing wasn't an issue a few years ago, it just makes it harder to let go. Oh how things have changed.

[Lifeissomething]

Social media is torture during a breakup.

I remember creeping a fair share after a breakup with an ex may years ago, even though it was obvious I should avoid her on social media at all costs. About 5 weeks after our breakup when I saw "X is in a relationship with Y" I learned my lesson--that moment was like being dumped a 2nd time, and hurt a lot more.

 

It's one thing to be dumped, but carrying that loss/rejection while uncovering that they're in a happy new relationship and sleeping with someone else, is pure emotional hell.

 

Ignorance is bliss. Out of sight and out of mind.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Social media is torture during a breakup.

I remember creeping a fair share after a breakup with an ex may years ago, even though it was obvious I should avoid her on social media at all costs. About 5 weeks after our breakup when I saw "X is in a relationship with Y" I learned my lesson--that moment was like being dumped a 2nd time, and hurt a lot more.

 

It's one thing to be dumped, but carrying that loss/rejection while uncovering that they're in a happy new relationship and sleeping with someone else, is pure emotional hell.

 

Ignorance is bliss. Out of sight and out of mind.

 

Ouch. I'm so sorry that happened. Having an ex on social media can be a dangerous game, and the odds are always stacked against you. I hope other will read this a learn from it.