My Ex Broke Up With Me & I Broke The No Contact Rule **Updated**

[Simon Phoenix]

It's just really hard to come to terms with. How someone can drop you after 2.5 years, when you didn't really do anything to them purposely, and just move on...I'm just not like that, people who are important to me matter too much to me to just let them go like that.

 

First of all, stop pushing your mindset on to other people. Just because you can't do something doesn't mean that others can't do it. Whether or not you can do something like that is irrelevant because IT'S NOT YOU that's in charge of doing it.

 

A couple of other things from reading this thread so far:

 

1. You can't make wholesale changes in 30-45 days. People don't work like that. True change takes time. If you actually tell your ex that you've made these changes she's going to think that you're full of crap and it's only going to hurt your cause. The only way she'll notice your changes and they'll register is if she notices them on her own without you pushing them on her.

 

2. Never show your ex that blog post. It's emotionally pushy and will only make her feel uncomfortable. It also doesn't show any respect for her decision. For whatever reason she decided that she needed to break up with you. It's her decision, and she doesn't need to justify it with you or need your approval. But pushing her to reconsider by using emotional manipulation (which is how your blog post will be perceived even if it's not your intention) you're just digging your grave deeper. Don't be that guy.

 

3. You aren't in No Contact if you are checking up with her on social media and friends with her on social media. You just aren't. All it's doing is keeping you in the muck. And I agree that her keeping you as a friend isn't necessarily a positive sign. It's almost more of a negative, as she is indifferent to seeing what you're up to. But when she does something, it f--ks your world. The moment she takes a picture with a guy you're going to have a s--t fit. So stop with the social media angle and do a proper block.

 

4. Please, please do not get her friends or family involved. That's extremely manipulative and extremely pushy and will only piss her off more. Her friends are her confidants -- you interfering with that will not go well. I know what you are going through with this, as the ex that originally brought me here was the sister-in-law of my best friend. But not once did I go to her sister (who I've known longer) and say a word, because she's her confidant. And my ex showed the same courtesy to the relationship I have with my friend. Do not interfere.

 

5. When you actually do go No Contact, there's not a time limit. You need to do it until you are recovered and indifferent, until you can see her with another guy and not bat an eye. And you do not break this UNLESS she comes and tells you that she's reconsidered and wants you back.

 

I know I'm coming off as a hardass, but you're on the verge of screwing yourself if you start to act on this emotional goop that's going through your brain. It's OK to be emotional, but please do not try any of the schemes you are concocting. This isn't a romantic comedy, this is real life. Romantic comedies are meant to entertain, not to be guides on how to dupe your ex into loving you again.

 

I truly hope you the best in your recovery, but you have to stop all of the mental gymnastics and arguing and plotting and accept the situation for what it is.

 

P.S.: Writing letters can be therapeutic, but do not send them. I wrote a letter to my ex which I kept on my computer that I'd edit from time to time. It originally started at 900 words. Then it went down to 800, then 700, then 600. Eventually, once I got to about 300 or so, I deleted it completely. The longer I was remove, the less crap I needed to apologize for or "make clear". It was a recovery progress report, so to speak, and was quite helpful.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[Matthew1211]

First of all, stop pushing your mindset on to other people. Just because you can't do something doesn't mean that others can't do it. Whether or not you can do something like that is irrelevant because IT'S NOT YOU that's in charge of doing it.

 

A couple of other things from reading this thread so far:

 

1. You can't make wholesale changes in 30-45 days. People don't work like that. True change takes time. If you actually tell your ex that you've made these changes she's going to think that you're full of crap and it's only going to hurt your cause. The only way she'll notice your changes and they'll register is if she notices them on her own without you pushing them on her.

 

2. Never show your ex that blog post. It's emotionally pushy and will only make her feel uncomfortable. It also doesn't show any respect for her decision. For whatever reason she decided that she needed to break up with you. It's her decision, and she doesn't need to justify it with you or need your approval. But pushing her to reconsider by using emotional manipulation (which is how your blog post will be perceived even if it's not your intention) you're just digging your grave deeper. Don't be that guy.

 

3. You aren't in No Contact if you are checking up with her on social media and friends with her on social media. You just aren't. All it's doing is keeping you in the muck. And I agree that her keeping you as a friend isn't necessarily a positive sign. It's almost more of a negative, as she is indifferent to seeing what you're up to. But when she does something, it f--ks your world. The moment she takes a picture with a guy you're going to have a s--t fit. So stop with the social media angle and do a proper block.

 

4. Please, please do not get her friends or family involved. That's extremely manipulative and extremely pushy and will only piss her off more. Her friends are her confidants -- you interfering with that will not go well. I know what you are going through with this, as the ex that originally brought me here was the sister-in-law of my best friend. But not once did I go to her sister (who I've known longer) and say a word, because she's her confidant. And my ex showed the same courtesy to the relationship I have with my friend. Do not interfere.

 

5. When you actually do go No Contact, there's not a time limit. You need to do it until you are recovered and indifferent, until you can see her with another guy and not bat an eye. And you do not break this UNLESS she comes and tells you that she's reconsidered and wants you back.

 

I know I'm coming off as a hardass, but you're on the verge of screwing yourself if you start to act on this emotional goop that's going through your brain. It's OK to be emotional, but please do not try any of the schemes you are concocting. This isn't a romantic comedy, this is real life. Romantic comedies are meant to entertain, not to be guides on how to dupe your ex into loving you again.

 

I truly hope you the best in your recovery, but you have to stop all of the mental gymnastics and arguing and plotting and accept the situation for what it is.

 

P.S.: Writing letters can be therapeutic, but do not send them. I wrote a letter to my ex which I kept on my computer that I'd edit from time to time. It originally started at 900 words. Then it went down to 800, then 700, then 600. Eventually, once I got to about 300 or so, I deleted it completely. The longer I was remove, the less crap I needed to apologize for or "make clear". It was a recovery progress report, so to speak, and was quite helpful.

 

I haven't done any of those things, just ideas I had as yeah, I'm emotional. I consider this girl my best friend and love of my life. I hurt her when I became depressed and made her unhappy. I want her back and I'd like to communicate with her. I haven't done a thing except vent on places like this. Because I'm lost and concerned as I've never been in this position before. Personally I don't get it. The time apart is helping us heal, but to just completely ignore someone I spent 2.5 years with makes no sense. Our friendship was never like that and I find it a mature way to "solving" a problem other than giving each other space, which we both clearly needed. I just don't get why trying to have a mature conversation with your partner is a deterrent?

[Matthew1211]

This might be controversial, but I would not always listen to these forummers and random articles. Usually they are not the top 1% in relationship/dating-category. But are you?

 

If you really wanna be the best and be with the love of your love (you gotta be 100% sure), then its not impossible, but it will be very difficult.

 

Skip these ****ty "how-to-get-your-ex-back"-articles, skip advices from random forummers and do what you think is right. This advice was given to me by another forummer, when I was in a situation like yours (havnt read all posts sorry).

 

Make a plan. It could be like, I approach her in some way in three weeks and until that date, do everything to optimize that meeting. Work out, eat well, sleep enough, dont spend a single hour alone doing nothing etc. Find out what is working for you.

 

It is possible, feelings just dont go away.

 

Ps. My girl told me never to contact her again, I did with a plan and now we are back talking, she is very much in doubt, but its much more close, than if I not contacted her.

 

I agree, all the negativity is hard to handle. Some people cheer you on while others say flat out you have no chance. It tears at me emotionally. I do want her back. Her and I always worked through our problems. This reminds me of last summer when she ignored me for a few days and I freaked. But we worked through it. I don't see why we can't do that again. I feel like we're just in a bad fight. I jumped the gun early in our NC because she started removing photos plus removed me as her boyfriend on Facebook. I didn't know how to handle it so I broke NC and she said I was making her uncomfortable because I called her then messaged her on FB til she replied. Then she said she wasn't into me romantically and didn't want to be with me anymore. She just wanted to be friends and said I'm a great guy who will make someone very happy one day. She said she was resenting me because I questioned her. So I let her be and added 30 more days. Now I'm waiting for those 30 days to end in a few weeks. People here are saying that what she said are deal breakers, but I never physically hurt or did anything to her. I just relied on her for my happiness while I was in a dark phase of my life, which I'm now pulling out of. I just want to talk to her to clear the air and see if we can salvage it. Because yeah I'm becoming a better person than I was and I realized all the harm I did and am making an effort not to be that way anymore. It will take time, but I'm on the right path. People are telling me I should just let her go and ignore her for the rest of my life pretty much. I don't work that way and I know that's not what she wants either. We have a bond, she's just hurting like I was. That's why I'm so torn on what to do because everybody tells you something else. I just want her back in my life.

[Matthew1211]

First of all, stop pushing your mindset on to other people. Just because you can't do something doesn't mean that others can't do it. Whether or not you can do something like that is irrelevant because IT'S NOT YOU that's in charge of doing it.

 

A couple of other things from reading this thread so far:

 

1. You can't make wholesale changes in 30-45 days. People don't work like that. True change takes time. If you actually tell your ex that you've made these changes she's going to think that you're full of crap and it's only going to hurt your cause. The only way she'll notice your changes and they'll register is if she notices them on her own without you pushing them on her.

 

2. Never show your ex that blog post. It's emotionally pushy and will only make her feel uncomfortable. It also doesn't show any respect for her decision. For whatever reason she decided that she needed to break up with you. It's her decision, and she doesn't need to justify it with you or need your approval. But pushing her to reconsider by using emotional manipulation (which is how your blog post will be perceived even if it's not your intention) you're just digging your grave deeper. Don't be that guy.

 

3. You aren't in No Contact if you are checking up with her on social media and friends with her on social media. You just aren't. All it's doing is keeping you in the muck. And I agree that her keeping you as a friend isn't necessarily a positive sign. It's almost more of a negative, as she is indifferent to seeing what you're up to. But when she does something, it f--ks your world. The moment she takes a picture with a guy you're going to have a s--t fit. So stop with the social media angle and do a proper block.

 

4. Please, please do not get her friends or family involved. That's extremely manipulative and extremely pushy and will only piss her off more. Her friends are her confidants -- you interfering with that will not go well. I know what you are going through with this, as the ex that originally brought me here was the sister-in-law of my best friend. But not once did I go to her sister (who I've known longer) and say a word, because she's her confidant. And my ex showed the same courtesy to the relationship I have with my friend. Do not interfere.

 

5. When you actually do go No Contact, there's not a time limit. You need to do it until you are recovered and indifferent, until you can see her with another guy and not bat an eye. And you do not break this UNLESS she comes and tells you that she's reconsidered and wants you back.

 

I know I'm coming off as a hardass, but you're on the verge of screwing yourself if you start to act on this emotional goop that's going through your brain. It's OK to be emotional, but please do not try any of the schemes you are concocting. This isn't a romantic comedy, this is real life. Romantic comedies are meant to entertain, not to be guides on how to dupe your ex into loving you again.

 

I truly hope you the best in your recovery, but you have to stop all of the mental gymnastics and arguing and plotting and accept the situation for what it is.

 

P.S.: Writing letters can be therapeutic, but do not send them. I wrote a letter to my ex which I kept on my computer that I'd edit from time to time. It originally started at 900 words. Then it went down to 800, then 700, then 600. Eventually, once I got to about 300 or so, I deleted it completely. The longer I was remove, the less crap I needed to apologize for or "make clear". It was a recovery progress report, so to speak, and was quite helpful.

 

And the changes I've made are physical like my diet and exercising. I've acknowledged where I went wrong in our relationship and am making an effort to not be that way anymore. I of course haven't changed 100% but I'm aware of my mistakes so I won't be that way anymore.

[Matthew1211]

To be honest I'm just really lost. Everyone tells you no. Some say follow your intuition. I don't know what to think.

 

I've said it a hundred times, but there's something about this girl that keeps me holding on to her. I'm probably in denial but something tells me to try. I know she said what she did. It hurts. It's hard to register. A part of me feels it was out of anger because I jumped the gun. It was too soon for her to decide as we were barely into our NC break. But my persistence caused her to say what she did.

 

She knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. She definitely knows that. She knows I'm a good guy. She wants me to still be in her life. Not to "keep tabs" on me as that's not how we are. Because we genuinely care, at least I do. She told me she was proud of me. And I'm proud of her. That's why I know deep down something is still there. I think she's just lost right now much like I am. We both don't know where our futures are headed because we don't have jobs right now. She has loans coming up soon. She has a lot of pressure and I was easiest to cut ties with because I was struggling and she couldn't afford that right now. I'm sure she feels liberated. She told me she was doing amazing. I'm very happy for her. I just want her to be happy with me. This time I wouldn't be clingy and needy like I was. Things would be different. That's what I want her to understand.

[LD1990]

The advice everyone who knows what they're talking about gives you comes from experience in the exact same spot you're in right now. No one pulled the idea of no contact out of a hat, people figured it out because anything else just prolongs the dumpee's misery.

 

You're living in a fantasy land. This was not "just a bad fight." She made it clear this is a breakup. She is not your partner anymore. She has kept you on her social media because she doesn't care if you're still her Facebook friend, it's not some sign that she still wants you in her life or wants to be friends on anything other than the most impersonal level.

 

You're twisting things in your head to fit what you want reality to be, instead of accepting what actually happened. You say she's lost, so she broke up with you, but things will turn around. Maybe she just decided she didn't want to be together anymore? Why can't you just respect her decision?

 

It's never gonna happen. You won't be happy until you accept that.

[lalalandman]

To be honest I'm just really lost. Everyone tells you no. Some say follow your intuition. I don't know what to think.

 

I've said it a hundred times, but there's something about this girl that keeps me holding on to her. I'm probably in denial but something tells me to try. I know she said what she did. It hurts. It's hard to register. A part of me feels it was out of anger because I jumped the gun. It was too soon for her to decide as we were barely into our NC break. But my persistence caused her to say what she did.

 

She knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. She definitely knows that. She knows I'm a good guy. She wants me to still be in her life. Not to "keep tabs" on me as that's not how we are. Because we genuinely care, at least I do. She told me she was proud of me. And I'm proud of her. That's why I know deep down something is still there. I think she's just lost right now much like I am. We both don't know where our futures are headed because we don't have jobs right now. She has loans coming up soon. She has a lot of pressure and I was easiest to cut ties with because I was struggling and she couldn't afford that right now. I'm sure she feels liberated. She told me she was doing amazing. I'm very happy for her. I just want her to be happy with me. This time I wouldn't be clingy and needy like I was. Things would be different. That's what I want her to understand.

 

Wanted to jump in on this one. Listen, honestly nobody knows what is going on in her head. She may keep you on social media to keep tabs, or maybe she is emotionally mature enough to not block you and make a scene. Multiple possible reasons and combinations of reasons.

 

But you shouldn't care because the relationship is over. You're picking at your wounds. You're in control of you, not her. Time to start the moving on process. Take her off the pedestal and put yourself on it. Once you have a decent view from up there you'll begin to identify the issues. Trust me, you can't come back and promise all these changes AFTER a relationship ends. She will resent you. Plus, do you really think you alone were responsible for the rifts in your relationship. Likely not.

 

Start nurturing the relationships you have in your life currently, and expand on that. Nurture yourself. She is not the end all be all. Wish her a merry jolly good time in your heart and get busy.

[Matthew1211]

The advice everyone who knows what they're talking about gives you comes from experience in the exact same spot you're in right now. No one pulled the idea of no contact out of a hat, people figured it out because anything else just prolongs the dumpee's misery.

 

You're living in a fantasy land. This was not "just a bad fight." She made it clear this is a breakup. She is not your partner anymore. She has kept you on her social media because she doesn't care if you're still her Facebook friend, it's not some sign that she still wants you in her life or wants to be friends on anything other than the most impersonal level.

 

You're twisting things in your head to fit what you want reality to be, instead of accepting what actually happened. You say she's lost, so she broke up with you, but things will turn around. Maybe she just decided she didn't want to be together anymore? Why can't you just respect her decision?

 

It's never gonna happen. You won't be happy until you accept that.

 

Because you don't know everything. You only know based on what I'm telling you. You don't know her. So while you can tell me a lot, and stuff is very helpful, other stuff you're just assuming. It's a lot for one person to handle, especially it being my first. It's hard to just accept. And when people tell you different things it's hard to digest. It's a painful situation, sure it's not easy and I'm going to justify things, but I also don't agree with every single thing you or someone else tells me. All I can do is listen and apply what I think makes sense.

[lana-banana]

Because you don't know everything. You only know based on what I'm telling you. You don't know her. So while you can tell me a lot, and stuff is very helpful, other stuff you're just assuming. It's a lot for one person to handle, especially it being my first. It's hard to just accept. And when people tell you different things it's hard to digest. It's a painful situation, sure it's not easy and I'm going to justify things, but I also don't agree with every single thing you or someone else tells me. All I can do is listen and apply what I think makes sense.

 

Everyone who comes here is desperate to believe their situation is an exception to the rule, their ex-lover is different, we couldn't possibly understand the deep and powerful love between them, etc etc. I agree that it's a painful situation and it's hard to accept. We've all been there. But at the end of the day the truth is she wants to be with other people. There's nothing you can do or say to change that.

 

This is going to sound very patronizing but I promise you it's not intended that way: you are so young! You are so young you don't even realize how young you are. Five years from now this entire relationship will barely register in your mind. She's not "the love of your life", she's probably the first of a select few or possibly a great many. You don't know. But you are going to do so much growing and changing in the next couple years that all the pain you're feeling now will be as though it happened to someone else. Trust in yourself. Have faith in your ability to get beyond this. Let her go and start looking towards the future.

[LD1990]

Because you don't know everything. You only know based on what I'm telling you. You don't know her. So while you can tell me a lot, and stuff is very helpful, other stuff you're just assuming. It's a lot for one person to handle, especially it being my first. It's hard to just accept. And when people tell you different things it's hard to digest. It's a painful situation, sure it's not easy and I'm going to justify things, but I also don't agree with every single thing you or someone else tells me. All I can do is listen and apply what I think makes sense.

 

I haven't assumed anything. You're the one that has been assuming things about her so you can hold onto hope that this is just a fight. Everything I've said is based on her actions. She flat out told you there's not a chance in hell. That wasn't some challenge. Again, why can't you respect her decision? Shouldn't it matter what she wants, if you really love her so much? Or is she just some prize for you to win back, because only your feelings matter?

 

But hey, do it your way then. Show her your blog, send her your letter. I don't know her, but I can guarantee you get either annoyance or pity.

[Blanco]

You have nothing to compare this relationship to, so of course, now that it's gone, you feel you've lost the most amazing thing that's ever existed. It's normal, but I promise you, as an older guy who's been in your shoes: Your gut is wrong right now.

 

I don't know you. I don't know your ex. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. But I can tell from your posts, you two are NOT right for each other. And here's why: You're emotionally available and she's not.

 

You said this in an earlier post:

 

sometimes she'd say things like she just couldn't be emotional about something as she's scarred deep down from the past. It was hard to accept that she was somewhat dead inside about things, but I just accepted her for who she was.

 

I about fell out of my chair reading this, because I was with someone who essentially said exactly that. She was a good person, a well-meaning person. But by time we met, things had happened throughout her life to basically short-circuit something inside of her. She used to joke that she was sort of a robot in that sense, because it was like "there was something missing inside" of her.

 

You sound like an emotionally open guy, and so you can't relate to what your ex really meant when she told you this. I couldn't, either. I knew it seemed like she had difficulty empathizing or being emotionally open. But I didn't know how that actually felt. I only know how I feel inside; how I process emotions. So naturally, I wanted to project how I feel inside onto her, even though she was open from the start that we were quite different in that regard.

 

This all may seem like such a minor detail in the scheme of what's happening here, but you shouldn't overlook this. It's MAJOR for someone who is emotionally available. I promise you that this would've become an issue down the line, if it wasn't already.

 

These people aren't bad. They want that human connection; the companionship. But they have walls inside that they won't let fall. They might let some people in, but it's never quickly and it's always sensitive and extremely conditional; those walls shoot back up without notice.

 

I don't regret the relationship, but I do regret lying to myself that I could be happy with someone so guarded. I stayed for too long and for not always the right reasons.

 

I think this girl has actually done you a favor, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I haven't done any of those things, just ideas I had as yeah, I'm emotional. I consider this girl my best friend and love of my life. I hurt her when I became depressed and made her unhappy. I want her back and I'd like to communicate with her. I haven't done a thing except vent on places like this. Because I'm lost and concerned as I've never been in this position before. Personally I don't get it. The time apart is helping us heal, but to just completely ignore someone I spent 2.5 years with makes no sense. Our friendship was never like that and I find it a mature way to "solving" a problem other than giving each other space, which we both clearly needed. I just don't get why trying to have a mature conversation with your partner is a deterrent?

 

Because she doesn't want it. Think about this logically -- when someone is insisting that you are wrong about a decision, even if it's as trivial as to which TV show is better, are you more likely to weaken your stance or stick to your guns more? For most people, it's the latter. It's not her duty to have a "mature conversation" if she doesn't want to, and you can't force that on her. The problem I see in your posting is that you feel everyone should act in the way you feel is right. But who are you to say who is right and who is wrong? Perhaps that's a reason why your ex tired of you in the first place?

 

I realize you're an emotional wreck, but if someone else was typing what you were posting you'd find them pretty selfish. For whatever reason (could be a variety of reasons) she doesn't want to have this emotional, "mature" conversation with you. Most exes don't -- when they are done, they are done. And even if there are feelings there deep down, the last thing they want is some emotional terrible conversation with a person they broke up with. For most dumpers it's hard to pull the plug -- last thing they want is to rehash over and over.

[Matthew1211]

I haven't assumed anything. You're the one that has been assuming things about her so you can hold onto hope that this is just a fight. Everything I've said is based on her actions. She flat out told you there's not a chance in hell. That wasn't some challenge. Again, why can't you respect her decision? Shouldn't it matter what she wants, if you really love her so much? Or is she just some prize for you to win back, because only your feelings matter?

 

But hey, do it your way then. Show her your blog, send her your letter. I don't know her, but I can guarantee you get either annoyance or pity.

 

It's the way you come off in some of your posts. I'm not gonna fight with you. And telling me I'm assuming things when all you can base your opinion on is my post...and of course what she wants matters. You don't know me well enough to make claims that only my feelings matter and that she's just a prize...comments like that piss me off. I posted here to get advice and yes you're giving it and I appreciate that, but I'm hurting and to have so much negativity thrown at me is hard to swallow. Nobody comes here planning to hear that. I'm not going to show her those things, that's why I asked for help before doing it..sheesh.

[Matthew1211]

Because she doesn't want it. Think about this logically -- when someone is insisting that you are wrong about a decision, even if it's as trivial as to which TV show is better, are you more likely to weaken your stance or stick to your guns more? For most people, it's the latter. It's not her duty to have a "mature conversation" if she doesn't want to, and you can't force that on her. The problem I see in your posting is that you feel everyone should act in the way you feel is right. But who are you to say who is right and who is wrong? Perhaps that's a reason why your ex tired of you in the first place?

 

I realize you're an emotional wreck, but if someone else was typing what you were posting you'd find them pretty selfish. For whatever reason (could be a variety of reasons) she doesn't want to have this emotional, "mature" conversation with you. Most exes don't -- when they are done, they are done. And even if there are feelings there deep down, the last thing they want is some emotional terrible conversation with a person they broke up with. For most dumpers it's hard to pull the plug -- last thing they want is to rehash over and over.

 

I'm not someone who makes people act the way I feel is right, all I was getting at is that I don't understand why people do immature things than have a conversation. That's all. When you have a long history with someone who was extremely good to you you'd think the least they could do is talk to you. If all I come off as is selfish here then I won't bother posting here anymore. I don't need to be ridiculed, it doesn't help my emotional state. When you all take jabs at me its a lot to swallow. The reason she broke up with me is because I became depressed over a period of time and she couldn't handle it anymore. I never did anything to her and I always gave of myself to her. Because I loved her so much I wanted to talk to her, not just ignore her for the rest of our lives.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's the way you come off in some of your posts. I'm not gonna fight with you. And telling me I'm assuming things when all you can base your opinion on is my post...and of course what she wants matters. You don't know me well enough to make claims that only my feelings matter and that she's just a prize...comments like that piss me off. I posted here to get advice and yes you're giving it and I appreciate that, but I'm hurting and to have so much negativity thrown at me is hard to swallow. Nobody comes here planning to hear that. I'm not going to show her those things, that's why I asked for help before doing it..sheesh.

 

We are phrasing it that way because that's how it's going to come off to her. You might think you are being loving, "fighting" hard, showing how much you care but to the dumpee it comes off as pushy, manipulative, and of someone who cares more about what they want (in your case, being in a relationship with her) than respecting a decision they've made. If you love something, you set it free. The tighter you grip with your fist, the more they struggle.

 

Also, this whole "well, we've worked through stuff before" thing isn't the positive you think it is. To you, it means that you can deal with everything. To her, it means that the relationship is stressful, dramatic, and something she wants to be done with. The fact that she doesn't want to "work it out" again after working it out before means that she's likely tired of it. And I'm sure you've told her "I can change" before, so telling her it now is going to ring hollow.

 

I'm not against reconciliation -- I know of several in my lifetime, including with my very own sister. But those worked because they took significant time apart (six months, a year, several years) and put the old relationship to bed. You're desperately trying to hang on to a relationship that broke. That doesn't work. At best you're putting lipstick on a pig and are going to go through the exact same thing in a few months. At worst, you'll spoil any friendly relationship you might have with this girl down the road.

 

You need to chill and listen. We're telling you this stuff not to beat you down, but because we've been through it. Almost all of us have made the horrible mistakes you seem to want to make and all of us wish we hadn't, so we're trying to help you not repeat mistakes. Ultimately you're going to do what you're going to do, but chill out, remove the chip from your shoulder and take what's being said as advice, not a personal attack.

[Matthew1211]

You have nothing to compare this relationship to, so of course, now that it's gone, you feel you've lost the most amazing thing that's ever existed. It's normal, but I promise you, as an older guy who's been in your shoes: Your gut is wrong right now.

 

I don't know you. I don't know your ex. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. But I can tell from your posts, you two are NOT right for each other. And here's why: You're emotionally available and she's not.

 

You said this in an earlier post:

 

 

 

I about fell out of my chair reading this, because I was with someone who essentially said exactly that. She was a good person, a well-meaning person. But by time we met, things had happened throughout her life to basically short-circuit something inside of her. She used to joke that she was sort of a robot in that sense, because it was like "there was something missing inside" of her.

 

You sound like an emotionally open guy, and so you can't relate to what your ex really meant when she told you this. I couldn't, either. I knew it seemed like she had difficulty empathizing or being emotionally open. But I didn't know how that actually felt. I only know how I feel inside; how I process emotions. So naturally, I wanted to project how I feel inside onto her, even though she was open from the start that we were quite different in that regard.

 

This all may seem like such a minor detail in the scheme of what's happening here, but you shouldn't overlook this. It's MAJOR for someone who is emotionally available. I promise you that this would've become an issue down the line, if it wasn't already.

 

These people aren't bad. They want that human connection; the companionship. But they have walls inside that they won't let fall. They might let some people in, but it's never quickly and it's always sensitive and extremely conditional; those walls shoot back up without notice.

 

I don't regret the relationship, but I do regret lying to myself that I could be happy with someone so guarded. I stayed for too long and for not always the right reasons.

 

I think this girl has actually done you a favor, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

 

To be honest I agree with you. She is emotionally scarred from her past boyfriends who treated her like trash. Her family loved me because I was so good to her, they thought I was a blessing because I had my **** together and came from a good family. I was so good to her, now I was very immature to a lot of things because she was my first and I didn't want to grow up in many ways as I was very selfish about things, but there's nothing I wouldn't do for this girl. When I found out her family was in a bad financial state, the first thing I wanted to do for her is give her a better life. I wanted to give her insurance and a nice life one day so she could have everything she didn't. But yeah, there was something we got in an argument about or something and she made that emotional comment. Yeah I didn't get it. She told me she literally can't feel emotional about something. I was taken aback but I accepted it. She has been very emotional at times, like when my dog died she broke down crying because she felt so bad. I don't get it but she told me she's F'd up emotionally about things. And I clearly am an emotional guy, especially right now while I'm down. I've always been sensitive and this was hard to accept. And you're right I have nothing to compare it to, so when people **** on me here and tell me what I was hoping not to hear it really hurts. It's a lot to absorb on top of everything else I'm going through. But I do really appreciate your comment because it's true, the fact she couldn't feel a certain way is kind of scary but she also did a lot of great things for me. She really gave me a chance and taught me so many things. It's just so hard to fathom life without her because I thought we were going to be together forever based on things she said in the past. This dark phase I'm in has just taken a toll on me. There's a dark cloud over my family in general right now, so it's a lot.

[Matthew1211]

We are phrasing it that way because that's how it's going to come off to her. You might think you are being loving, "fighting" hard, showing how much you care but to the dumpee it comes off as pushy, manipulative, and of someone who cares more about what they want (in your case, being in a relationship with her) than respecting a decision they've made. If you love something, you set it free. The tighter you grip with your fist, the more they struggle.

 

Also, this whole "well, we've worked through stuff before" thing isn't the positive you think it is. To you, it means that you can deal with everything. To her, it means that the relationship is stressful, dramatic, and something she wants to be done with. The fact that she doesn't want to "work it out" again after working it out before means that she's likely tired of it. And I'm sure you've told her "I can change" before, so telling her it now is going to ring hollow.

 

I'm not against reconciliation -- I know of several in my lifetime, including with my very own sister. But those worked because they took significant time apart (six months, a year, several years) and put the old relationship to bed. You're desperately trying to hang on to a relationship that broke. That doesn't work. At best you're putting lipstick on a pig and are going to go through the exact same thing in a few months. At worst, you'll spoil any friendly relationship you might have with this girl down the road.

 

You need to chill and listen. We're telling you this stuff not to beat you down, but because we've been through it. Almost all of us have made the horrible mistakes you seem to want to make and all of us wish we hadn't, so we're trying to help you not repeat mistakes. Ultimately you're going to do what you're going to do, but chill out, remove the chip from your shoulder and take what's being said as advice, not a personal attack.

 

Thank you, I sincerely appreciate it. It's just been a lot all at once and I'm sorry. I know you mean well, trust me.

 

In my defense, yeah last summer she was stressed because I was emotional and I did my best to come around. I can't help that 6 months later a lot of negativity erupted like death and stress at home and the crappy job market. That's a lot to be down about.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Matthew1211

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not someone who makes people act the way I feel is right, all I was getting at is that I don't understand why people do immature things than have a conversation. That's all. When you have a long history with someone who was extremely good to you you'd think the least they could do is talk to you. If all I come off as is selfish here then I won't bother posting here anymore. I don't need to be ridiculed, it doesn't help my emotional state. When you all take jabs at me its a lot to swallow. The reason she broke up with me is because I became depressed over a period of time and she couldn't handle it anymore. I never did anything to her and I always gave of myself to her. Because I loved her so much I wanted to talk to her, not just ignore her for the rest of our lives.

 

It's not her duty to have a "mature" conversation with you, which is the point we're trying to make. And right now, that conversation is not going to go well at all if you did have it. There's a chance you could have a conversation down the road (several months, a year, maybe longer) that could be decent if you don't force it now, but right now it's going to be bad.

 

R-E-L-A-X, accept the result right now and continue to work on the changes you want to make. It'll be OK. Right now, the worst thing you can do is fly by the seat of your pants and act and react on emotion and impulse.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you, I sincerely appreciate it. It's just been a lot all at once and I'm sorry. I know you mean well, trust me.

 

In my defense, yeah last summer she was stressed because I was emotional and I did my best to come around. I can't help that 6 months later a lot of negativity erupted like death and stress at home and the crappy job market. That's a lot to be down about.

 

Yeah, you're allowed to be down about things. As you get further removed from this, you'll realize that the death of this relationship isn't completely on you. It almost never is one person's complete fault except when it comes to betrayal/cheating or abuse, neither of which you've done.

[Matthew1211]

It's not her duty to have a "mature" conversation with you, which is the point we're trying to make. And right now, that conversation is not going to go well at all if you did have it. There's a chance you could have a conversation down the road (several months, a year, maybe longer) that could be decent if you don't force it now, but right now it's going to be bad.

 

R-E-L-A-X, accept the result right now and continue to work on the changes you want to make. It'll be OK. Right now, the worst thing you can do is fly by the seat of your pants and act and react on emotion and impulse.

 

Yeah that's why I was asking about things before doing it. I'm not forcing her to have a conversation, I just meant I don't understand why we couldn't, that's all. Sorry if it came off differently.

 

Would just checking in on her in a few weeks since it will be over a month and telling her I miss talking to her be a bad thing? I'm assuming yes.

 

And yeah I'd never in a million years abuse her or cheat on her, no way. We were both extremely loyal to each other. Yeah I know it takes two, she is not one who likes confrontation, don't remember if I said that. Which is probably why she didn't approach me about it really before making the decision.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah that's why I was asking about things before doing it. I'm not forcing her to have a conversation, I just meant I don't understand why we couldn't, that's all. Sorry if it came off differently.

 

Would just checking in on her in a few weeks since it will be over a month and telling her I miss talking to her be a bad thing? I'm assuming yes.

 

And yeah I'd never in a million years abuse her or cheat on her, no way. We were both extremely loyal to each other. Yeah I know it takes two, she is not one who likes confrontation, don't remember if I said that. Which is probably why she didn't approach me about it really before making the decision.

 

Yes, it would be bad for multiple reasons. a) she knows you miss her, so you aren't telling her anything she doesn't already know b) it's emotionally sappy, which isn't the least bit welcome or attractive and c) the more you plan on making contact, the less you are actually working on the changes you want to work on. You can't move forward when you are constantly plotting on the right time to look back.

 

I would say that you need six months minimum with No Contact. And, before you ask, she won't forget you in six months.

[hunk]

She is emotionally scarred from her past boyfriends who treated her like trash. Her family loved me because I was so good to her, they thought I was a blessing because I had my **** together and came from a good family. I was so good to her, now I was very immature to a lot of things because she was my first and I didn't want to grow up in many ways as I was very selfish about things, but there's nothing I wouldn't do for this girl. When I found out her family was in a bad financial state, the first thing I wanted to do for her is give her a better life. I wanted to give her insurance and a nice life one day so she could have everything she didn't. But yeah, there was something we got in an argument about or something and she made that emotional comment. Yeah I didn't get it. She told me she literally can't feel emotional about something. I was taken aback but I accepted it.

 

Strap yourself in for some hard truths young friend. Her family loving you? = turn off. You being nice to her and supporting her financially? = turn off. You being there for her unconditionally? = turn off. Being so good to her? = turn off. Her being your first? = HUGE turn off.

 

She dates *******s who treat her like trash. That's all you need to know. That is the pattern of men she will continue to date throughout her adolescent life. You did nothing wrong. You were not her type. She definitely can feel emotion, she is not emotionally dead, she just had no emotional investment in you because you were a doormat in her eyes. Even if you don't think you were - you were. Her emotional spark comes from drama and chasing after unattainable men like her exes. She wants the rush of feeling like she is working for her boyfriend's approval, not the other way around. The biggest mistake we make is thinking that by being overly nice, super supportive and available to a woman who has dated *******s who treated them like trash that she will somehow fall deeper in love with us and respect us more than her ******* ex. The complete inverse is true. She will continue to hook up with *******s who treat her like trash, thinking "why can't i find a decent guy". Eventually she'll get disillusioned with sleeping with bad boys and she'll feel the immediate need to settle down with a provider type man. Her next long term boyfriend might even be like you - and the same thing that happened to you, will happen to him, and the cycle will repeat itself.

 

She will settle down with the nice loyal provider after being treated like trash over and over again by the same guys who she knows will treat her like trash but she dates them and goes crazy over them anyway because they give her tingles. I'm not saying women want to be treated like trash, but they want men who are most often the ones who have personality traits that tend to treating women like garbage - because they are unattainable and exciting.

 

She was not "emotionally scarred" from these men at all, she simply prefers these men and prefers having sex with these men. This is the brutal truth.

 

Stop being a nice, emotional, open-book, predictable provider. It's going to get you nowhere and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. You will be shat on over and over and over again by women.

Edited May 14, 2016 by hunk

[Matthew1211]

Strap yourself in for some hard truths young friend. Her family loving you? = turn off. You being nice to her and supporting her financially? = turn off. You being there for her unconditionally? = turn off. Being so good to her? = turn off. Her being your first? = HUGE turn off.

 

She dates *******s who treat her like trash. That's all you need to know. That is the pattern of men she will continue to date throughout her adolescent life. You did nothing wrong. You were not her type. She definitely can feel emotion, she is not emotionally dead, she just had no emotional investment in you because you were a doormat in her eyes. Even if you don't think you were - you were. Her emotional spark comes from drama and chasing after unattainable men like her exes. She wants the rush of feeling like she is working for her boyfriend's approval, not the other way around. The biggest mistake we make is thinking that by being overly nice, super supportive and available to a woman who has dated *******s who treated them like trash that she will somehow fall deeper in love with us and respect us more than her ******* ex. The complete inverse is true. She will continue to hook up with *******s who treat her like trash, thinking "why can't i find a decent guy". Eventually she'll get disillusioned with sleeping with bad boys and she'll feel the immediate need to settle down with a provider type man. Her next long term boyfriend might even be like you - and the same thing that happened to you, will happen to him, and the cycle will repeat itself.

 

She will settle down with the nice loyal provider after being treated like trash over and over again by the same guys who she knows will treat her like trash but she dates them and goes crazy over them anyway because they give her tingles. I'm not saying women want to be treated like trash, but they want men who are most often the ones who have personality traits that tend to treating women like garbage - because they are unattainable and exciting.

 

She was not "emotionally scarred" from these men at all, she simply prefers these men and prefers having sex with these men. This is the brutal truth.

 

Stop being a nice, emotional, open-book, predictable provider. It's going to get you nowhere and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. You will be shat on over and over and over again by women.

 

Just to hear that is really sad. Not sure what else to really say. It's a shame really.

[Matthew1211]

A question I have is what happens to the foundation your relationship was built on? That friendship and bond?

 

To me I feel the NC does help you heal, but at the same time just feels like a mind game that makes you avoid resolving anything. (Yes you told me she doesn't want to resolve it) but where does the friendship go? Why do you have to re-establish it? Because she said to me that we can talk about things and share in exciting moments as we do want to be friends. She mentioned friendship, it wasn't me who asked. She said right now I just need to stay strong and do my own thing. I'm just a little confused on where the friendship suddenly went?

[Matthew1211]

Strap yourself in for some hard truths young friend. Her family loving you? = turn off. You being nice to her and supporting her financially? = turn off. You being there for her unconditionally? = turn off. Being so good to her? = turn off. Her being your first? = HUGE turn off.

 

She dates *******s who treat her like trash. That's all you need to know. That is the pattern of men she will continue to date throughout her adolescent life. You did nothing wrong. You were not her type. She definitely can feel emotion, she is not emotionally dead, she just had no emotional investment in you because you were a doormat in her eyes. Even if you don't think you were - you were. Her emotional spark comes from drama and chasing after unattainable men like her exes. She wants the rush of feeling like she is working for her boyfriend's approval, not the other way around. The biggest mistake we make is thinking that by being overly nice, super supportive and available to a woman who has dated *******s who treated them like trash that she will somehow fall deeper in love with us and respect us more than her ******* ex. The complete inverse is true. She will continue to hook up with *******s who treat her like trash, thinking "why can't i find a decent guy". Eventually she'll get disillusioned with sleeping with bad boys and she'll feel the immediate need to settle down with a provider type man. Her next long term boyfriend might even be like you - and the same thing that happened to you, will happen to him, and the cycle will repeat itself.

 

She will settle down with the nice loyal provider after being treated like trash over and over again by the same guys who she knows will treat her like trash but she dates them and goes crazy over them anyway because they give her tingles. I'm not saying women want to be treated like trash, but they want men who are most often the ones who have personality traits that tend to treating women like garbage - because they are unattainable and exciting.

 

She was not "emotionally scarred" from these men at all, she simply prefers these men and prefers having sex with these men. This is the brutal truth.

 

Stop being a nice, emotional, open-book, predictable provider. It's going to get you nowhere and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. You will be shat on over and over and over again by women.

 

Her mom has been married and divorced twice with two awful men. Her brother is also not happy in his relationship but is sticking through it. I feel she just feels the need to mimick this? That it's almost passed down? She has some fear in her and she even told me she's afraid she'll end up like her dad who bounced around women. It's really sad because she is a good girl honestly. She's just troubled in so many ways.