My daughters partner is having an affair....

[merrmeade]

He can plan his exit all he likes...he's in for an almighty shock tomorrow..

Hope that means she's all lawyered up (how they say it in these parts) and heads him off at the pass. I'm sure your wisdom and resources put her in the best position possible. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

It's been quite a day....

 

My lovely girl has been devastated by her husband's treachery....

 

There are photographs, phone calls, voice recordings and other plain as day evidence that he has been conducting this affair with a woman living just 4 miles away...

 

She hasn't said anything to him yet, and she and the wee ones are spending the night here with my husband and I while he is up the line on a course, due back tomorrow.

 

Cuckoo

 

Bless those innocent little kids.

 

Shame on HIM, for doing this to your daughter and his little ones. Glad you are there for her, she's going to need you and her dad in the upcoming months.

 

He'll get what's coming to him.

[Cloudcuckoo]

My daughter and I stayed up talking into the small hours. My husband said his piece and bowed out gracefully to leave us to it.

 

It's so sad. She loves this boy, and we all know you can't just turn that off like a tap. However, she's always been the most sensible of our four children, and ended a previous relationship with a narcissist before getting married.

 

God love her, she feels humiliated and stupid , and has said that she knew deep down the marriage would change things.

 

There is more to say but I'm about to take my grandson off to school.

[Lady Hamilton]

Then allow me to allay your fears...

 

He's worth bug**r all.....

 

Any money he's had to fund his dalliances he's gained from his parents.....

 

He can plan his exit all he likes...he's in for an almighty shock tomorrow..

 

I'm sure he is, I'll just feel better (for her) when she confronts him about it and not that he beats her to the punch with a lawyer, secretly taking things out of the house of value, etc.

 

Like I said, unless he's excessively stupid, there's no way he could not know that she'll be told at some point.

[Cloudcuckoo]

The children are staying here with us tonight while our daughter confronts her husband with all the evidence she and the detective have collated.

 

I've asked that she answer a call every hour but end it immediately just so that we know she is okay. Not because I think he'll harm her physically, but because he's volatile and she may become overwhelmed by it all. My poor, poor beautiful girl....

 

My husband has to return to work early tomorrow for a week, and he's very concerned about being so far away, but I've tried to reassure him that the women in our family are strong together, and we will close ranks to take care of and protect each other.

[ladydesigner]

Sending you and your daughter prayers and strength during her confrontation tonight. I hope he doesn't try the "well you weren't paying attention to me" blameshifting bullsh*t these WS's love to spin. Did you tell your daughter that may happen and that it is a manipulation tactic and almost never true?

[waterwoman]

Thinking of you all tonight and sending you love and strength xx

[jenkins95]

Good luck to your daughter and all your family cloudcuckoo. Lots of LS members are rooting for you and are here if you need a sympathetic ear

[Miss Clavel]

 

Frankly, I am not entirely sure how to handle it!

 

 

 

so so sorry to hear this.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Our daughter waited for him to get into the house, and she says he must have known something was amiss because the children are always at home when he gets in.

 

She asked him if he was happy with their lives...

 

That was the catalyst for what came next..

 

He went into a raging tyrade about my husband and I never liking him, always trying to make trouble, split the family...you know the kind of thing..liars trying to save face and all get.. No truth in any of it.

 

She calmly put every picture of them together, (I had advised her to ensure copies of everything were put in our safe) every message, phone call, dates times, placed the lot out on the dining table for him to peruse at his leisure while she went upstairs to pack his belongings.

 

He screamed at her that 'Mummy and Daddy must have forked out a fair bit for all this!'..

 

It's a long episode so I'll try to be succinct.

 

When he realised he was getting nowhere with his ranting and raving, he resorted to the bawling and begging forgiveness, it was all a big mistake, blah, blah, blah, then in the next breath it wasn't what she thought, we (her parents) were just trying to make him look bad....on and on and on, while she stood silently watching this gargoyle boil his own head.

 

He tried to tell her it was all because he couldn't get over losing this daughter (what he said to her about that actually made me physically vomit).

 

She had previously made arrangements for a friend to collect him, so he has left the house, but has been non stop calling her, banging on the door and realising she isn't there, coming to our home and screeching on my doorstep, all manner of hysterical profanities.

 

He told her he'd take the children and go to his parents and all sorts of other mindless threats.

 

The police are now involved which is exactly what she'd tried to avoid, and she has just left with the little ones to stay with a friend of ours he doesn't know for a few days.

 

Our daughter knows who the other woman is now, where she is, what she does and so on, but she is not someone who is remotely connected to her social circle.

 

What an awful, awful mess.

[Methodical]

His reactions sounds par for the course. Rage, denial, blame shifting, bawling and begging, projection, RAGE...rinse and repeat. Glad you had her make copies of the documentation. Although she didn't want the police involved, it's probably better for her sake that they are. Thankfully, you have wonderful friends willing to provide a safe haven for her and your grandchildren. Hang in there, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly,

 

He just sounds like a typical cheater pulling every stupid card out of his bag of tricks.

 

Of course his cheating isn't the problem, it's his in-laws, right? Pfft....

 

He will run through three channels over and over again:

 

Charm

Self-pity

Rage

 

He will keep trying and keep trying until he slinks away. Better sooner than later.

 

My husband also tried saying that he would have custody of our daughter and that he would even take me off of my own lease.

 

They get really stupid when they get caught and served consequences. They get desperate.

 

The last thing they get is responsible. If they ever do.

 

They didn't plan for this very well because they didn't think they would get caught. And if they did, that they are "so smart" that they would be able to manipulate, charm or lie their way out of it. I've known some academically smart people in my life. One of them is a particularly bad pathological liar. Just because you can score high on tests doesn't mean that other people can't smell your bullshyte.

 

Plus liars like this tend to pull every emotional card in the book to get their cute, stable life back. You see, they weren't looking to give that up. They just wanted to laugh at their spouses/family and go on an ego-trip. Cheating has nothing to do with them being happy in the marriage. It has everything to do with filling some stupid attention-void and they want to try something shiny and new.

 

The emotional bombardment and lies your daughter is getting thrown at her is the equivalent of the cheater throwing a bunch of diarrhea at a wall, and as long as some of it sticks, he'll throw more and more. Otherwise, he might try maybe half of a dozen times and then quit if nothing is sticking.

 

My experience: arseholes like this smartem up LONG AFTER you would expect them to, and LONG AFTER they've been served consequences and no longer get attention from their spouses. OR they simply DON'T smarten up, PERIOD. They drag their spouses through long legal conflicts, drag their feet on everything, blameshift, play victim, become super-sucky parents and then whine to the kids about "Mommy/Daddy making things so hard on them, boo hoo. Adulting is hard."

 

My husband also (when we were separated) cried in a phone call to our then five year-old about it being "all so hard etc." Probably the only time during the separation I completely ripped into him. I let him know point-blank that of he ever pulled the "Mommy made it too hard for me to parent/adult" card, I would file for full custody right away. I also had a good talk to him about that it's the start of a slippery slope to him being a total deadbeat. Because often deadbeats see themselves as the victims and that in EVERY way I would accommodate scheduling and visitation with him as long as made a recordable request via email/text, so that I could easily track whether he showed up or not. Because I refused to be made the focus of blame for him if he dropped out of her life. Plus, he needed to send money for her because he hadn't. That WOULD NOT affect visitation, but it would affect what I would be telling the courts about his provisions for her. And I made it VERY CLEAR that there would be courts and lawyers involved. His options were to stand up or disappear. And he didn't have long to make that decision.

 

Within a couple weeks he was sending money for her, he never pulled the teary-eyed shyte with her again and he went to alcohol treatment. Personally, I thought he would disappear. I'm glad he chose the healthier route.

 

But again, he had to learn the hard way (I swear, it's the number one way he learns). He wasn't going to be able to make things work in his favour by saying pretty words, screaming, or crying. He had to actually get off of his arse and do something for the people in his life.

 

I think you'll watch this dumb-dumb absolutely fall on his arse. Hard.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I think you're probably right DOT.

 

He's blowing her phone up, I've suggested she turn it off for now, we can stay in contact via my chums house phone.

 

She's exhausted, mentally and physically, and is unwilling to make any decisions that don't involve the wee ones while she's worn to a frazzle.

 

I'm so proud of her, she's such a deeply caring and thoughtful girl, with this determined steely resolve that I really admire.

 

I haven't asked, but I think that may come from having witnessed my demise with her Father to some degree. She's certainly handled this with HUGE sensibility and dignity, and much better than I when I discovered my husband's indiscretion.

 

Thankyou all so much for your continued support, thoughtfulness and advice. This is a place of considerable understanding and at a time when its so deeply personal it's difficult to discuss with those closest sometimes, it's appreciated.

 

Our eldest daughter (this one is our second) knows the agony of infidelity too.. I had fooled myself into hoping they would never be touched by it.

[whichwayisup]

How awful. And what an idiot he is, he didn't even own up to what he's done, instead he laid blame on everybody else and even tried to be the victim. Disgusting!

 

Some thing cannot be fixed and many times I usually advise people to give their spouse a second chance, but in this case I can't do that at all. Best thing is for your daughter to leave and divorce him. She deserves so much better and so do their kids.

 

I hope some day he gets counseling and fixes himself, grows up to be a man and a father his kids that can be proud of. Though right now I wouldn't hold my breath on that.

 

Glad the police are involved and your daughter, grand kids will be safe.

[ladydesigner]

How awful. And what an idiot he is, he didn't even own up to what he's done, instead he laid blame on everybody else and even tried to be the victim. Disgusting!

 

Some thing cannot be fixed and many times I usually advise people to give their spouse a second chance, but in this case I can't do that at all. Best thing is for your daughter to leave and divorce him. She deserves so much better and so do their kids.

 

I hope some day he gets counseling and fixes himself, grows up to be a man and a father his kids that can be proud of. Though right now I wouldn't hold my breath on that.

 

Glad the police are involved and your daughter, grand kids will be safe.

 

It is the blameshifting that kills it for the BS. I will never see my WH in the same light again because of this. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

 

(((Cloudcuckoo))) I'm so sorry your son-in-law acted so cowardly and emotionally and mentally abusive to your DD. He sounds a lot like my WH, my Dday went very similar, my WH was completely blaming me and insulting me. I'm glad your DD has you as a mom. Be sure to watch her depression as this goes on, I know I eventually needed the help of a medical professional to help me through.

[Cloudcuckoo]

It is the blameshifting that kills it for the BS. I will never see my WH in the same light again because of this. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

 

(((Cloudcuckoo))) I'm so sorry your son-in-law acted so cowardly and emotionally and mentally abusive to your DD. He sounds a lot like my WH, my Dday went very similar, my WH was completely blaming me and insulting me. I'm glad your DD has you as a mom. Be sure to watch her depression as this goes on, I know I eventually needed the help of a medical professional to help me through.

 

 

Thankyou LD, I think this is what plays on my mind most.

 

She suffers anxiety OCD and is susceptible to depression. She's always been sensitive, even as a little girl. It worries me greatly.

 

She's also very sensible though, and saw the GP last week who prescribed an AD for her.

 

I could cheerfully do damage for what he's done to my lovely girl and my lovely little ones.....

 

I've spoken to her and the wee ones this morning, and they're all okay. The children are having a lovely 'holiday' by all accounts, and I know my chums (both doctors) are going all out for them. I feel very privileged to be surrounded by some truly dear people.

 

Our daughter said that when she switched her phone on this morning it was rammed with voicemail, and not all from him either....it seems the woman he's been seeing has a voice of her own...I will be seeing to that this morning...

 

I asked her to just turn the damn thing off and only use it when necessary for now.

 

I have a feeling this situation is going to get much worse before it improves.

 

The family solicitor is going over to see her this afternoon.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thankyou LD, I think this is what plays on my mind most.

 

She suffers anxiety OCD and is susceptible to depression. She's always been sensitive, even as a little girl. It worries me greatly.

 

She's also very sensible though, and saw the GP last week who prescribed an AD for her.

 

I could cheerfully do damage for what he's done to my lovely girl and my lovely little ones.....

 

I've spoken to her and the wee ones this morning, and they're all okay. The children are having a lovely 'holiday' by all accounts, and I know my chums (both doctors) are going all out for them. I feel very privileged to be surrounded by some truly dear people.

 

Our daughter said that when she switched her phone on this morning it was rammed with voicemail, and not all from him either....it seems the woman he's been seeing has a voice of her own...I will be seeing to that this morning...

 

I asked her to just turn the damn thing off and only use it when necessary for now.

 

I have a feeling this situation is going to get much worse before it improves.

 

The family solicitor is going over to see her this afternoon.

 

Yeah, nothing works better than "I'm not cheating, it was just a mistake" and then having the OW call up.....

 

I had a friend whose husband had the OW call and tell her what a Big Meanie she was about wanting to divorce cheating husband who hadn't even admitted to the affair yet.

 

Seriously, these folks are not the brightest lightbulbs in the value pack.

 

I swear some OW are totally batshyte nuts. (NOT ALL, Not even saying "most") but some are just so determined that it "must all be the wife's fault because 'this guy is so nice to me and she stops him from seeing me etc etc etc."

When the reality is that they are playing the OW, telling her how "bad things are."

 

Then when they want to dump OW, they make out like they "have to" or "wife will take the kids, hold me financially hostage, do a bunch of crazy abusive things so I have to leave you alone."

 

Ugh. Such jerks.

[frogss29]

I hope your daughter is doing OK.

I hope YOU are doing OK.

I am also hoping this wakes up your SIL.

Sounds like he has been miserable for quite a while with quite a lot of issues.

I cannot understand HIS anger etc.

He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

Sending big cyber hugs for all of you xx

[Cloudcuckoo]

Daughter has returned to her home and has given him 2 weeks to gather his wits and eff off as she so eloquently puts it.

 

Unfortunately he has nowhere to go yet but he will be going up the line to live near his parents when they've bought him a caravan....

 

His other woman has turned into a raving banshee after being told by him her services were no longer required!

 

She's been to our daughters house looking for him apparently, and turned up here after finding out where we lived from some friend of his to tell my daughter a few 'truths'(??!?!?). ....I shut that one down immediately with a firmly slammed front door....

 

Our daughter has a full record of all calls, messages and a miscellany of threats/jibes and such as well as all the investigators findings. More than enough to file divorce on the grounds of adultery, and she intends to name his concubine.

 

Thankfully, the children are unaware of any thing untoward to date, and are here with us for a little while as of today.

 

The police are aware of the volatility of the situation and have been a significant help in deterring anymore hysterical behaviour.

 

There is so much more to our dear daughters events, but this I feel , is enough to update for the moment.

 

She's utterly devastated, but doing such a grand job of maintaining her dignity, I'm so proud of her.

[ladydesigner]

Daughter has returned to her home and has given him 2 weeks to gather his wits and eff off as she so eloquently puts it.

 

Unfortunately he has nowhere to go yet but he will be going up the line to live near his parents when they've bought him a caravan....

 

His other woman has turned into a raving banshee after being told by him her services were no longer required!

 

She's been to our daughters house looking for him apparently, and turned up here after finding out where we lived from some friend of his to tell my daughter a few 'truths'(??!?!?). ....I shut that one down immediately with a firmly slammed front door....

 

Our daughter has a full record of all calls, messages and a miscellany of threats/jibes and such as well as all the investigators findings. More than enough to file divorce on the grounds of adultery, and she intends to name his concubine.

 

Thankfully, the children are unaware of any thing untoward to date, and are here with us for a little while as of today.

 

The police are aware of the volatility of the situation and have been a significant help in deterring anymore hysterical behaviour.

 

There is so much more to our dear daughters events, but this I feel , is enough to update for the moment.

 

She's utterly devastated, but doing such a grand job of maintaining her dignity, I'm so proud of her.

 

Whoa! good for you for putting a stop to that. Very bold move on the AP's part and unsettling. I remember when MOW first wanted to come to me to 'clear things up' both her and my WH had their stories aligned in their favor. I bet that is what this OW thought too, that she would be able to convince your daughter it's not as serious as she thinks it is. MOW told me my WH helped her through so much..her abusive M and all that. What MOW failed to tell me after initial Dday was that her and my WH were both in love with each and considered each other boyfriend and girlfriend (their words for each other).

[turnera]

I'm glad it worked out as well as it could. Help her remember to stay dark, to block his number. My cheating ex went through all the same shyte when I called him on his cheating and broke up with him - followed me, cried, wailed, said he couldn't eat, had to drop out of school...six months later he was engaged.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I'm glad it worked out as well as it could. Help her remember to stay dark, to block his number. My cheating ex went through all the same shyte when I called him on his cheating and broke up with him - followed me, cried, wailed, said he couldn't eat, had to drop out of school...six months later he was engaged.

 

Oh my! That has to be the ultimate in hypocrisy!

 

Obviously you're well rid of that one turnera.

 

Wishing you a better man when you're ready to try again!