Welp, finally learned the truth...

[lemondrop21]

Let's start with the issues you need to own. What are they?

Read the web site 5loveLanguages, take the Higgs Meyer personality test for both of you. See how both your answers match up.

Do you mean the Myers Briggs personality test?

[sidney2718]

Absolutely. But then the question becomes WHY do they want to?

 

Everyone has a different motive for cheating. Some people are broken inside, some are in a broken marriage...cheating is always a symptom of a bigger problem somewhere & it's different for everyone.

 

Exactly.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Everyone has a different motive for cheating. Some people are broken inside, some are in a broken marriage...cheating is always a symptom of a bigger problem somewhere & it's different for everyone.

 

Exactly.

 

and sometimes people are just freakin selfish...they cheat because they can....

 

sidney...you are a great cheerleader for cheaters...you are always for the underdog....

 

Sometimes cheaters...don't have a good reason to cheat. I didn't. I cheated because i wanted to. My husband did nothing wrong.

 

I bet there are others just like me....yourself perhaps?

[Jersey born raised]

Your fantasy is an open invitation to disaster. It would not be ok as long as you where involved. Boundaries are important because they warn as to stay away from problematic situations.

 

Either you or your wife may/will develop an emotional connections to the third party. That distance you felt in the past one of you will experience again.

[sidney2718]

Exactly.

 

and sometimes people are just freakin selfish...they cheat because they can....

 

sidney...you are a great cheerleader for cheaters...you are always for the underdog....

 

Sometimes cheaters...don't have a good reason to cheat. I didn't. I cheated because i wanted to. My husband did nothing wrong.

 

I bet there are others just like me....yourself perhaps?

 

The attributions were mixed up in the post you cited. I think I've fixed them now. My only contribution to the discussion was the word "exactly".

 

I am not a cheerleader for cheaters. At least 70 percent of the time I take the side of the BS.

 

And you are right, sometimes cheaters don't have a good reason to cheat. They just wanted to. But sometimes they do have a reason. And if the marriage is to be fixed, that reason has to be addressed. If the marriage isn't to be saved, then it really doesn't matter, does it?

Edited May 24, 2016 by sidney2718

[Mrs. John Adams]

The attributions were mixed up in the post you cited. I think I've fixed them now. My only contribution to the discussion was the word "exactly".

 

I am not a cheerleader for cheaters. At least 70 percent of the time I take the side of the BS.

 

And you are right, sometimes cheaters don't have a good reason to cheat. They just wanted to. But sometimes they do have a reason. And if the marriage is to be fixed, that reason has to be addressed. If the marriage isn't to be saved, then it really doesn't matter, does it?

 

I agree...if a couple is attempting reconciliation after infidelity has been revealed the issues must be addressed. However...not all infidelities are disclosed....cheaters get by with it...time after time...and the marriage continues...the betrayed spouse is none for the wiser.

 

It happens all the time I fear.

 

And you are right....if a marriage ends in divorce as a result of infidelity...it really doesn't matter if the issues are resolved....at least not to save the marriage...but the issues sometimes have to be resolved for the parties involved to heal.

[Jersey born raised]

Sometimes the issues in the marriage belong to the WS and only the WS. For example BPD, NPD, CSA and a host of other issues that the BS had nothing to do with the creation of those issues.

 

Other times it is the result of the mis-match of two different types of personality.

 

Other times it is the result of just plain refusing to change and listen.

 

Regardless I think Pixe (a poster here) but it best when she described her husband and how he reacted to her adultery. This should be every BS goal

 

 

Why improve yourself by Pixe*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

[cc_zero]

Since this is still active, I can post another update.

 

I know a lot more now. A response to my letter ended up being several long discussions. As you all know though, I likely will never REALLY know the full truth as I'd have to polygraph her to really know and even then I know first hand those things are 100% reliable, but I know enough to satisfy my need for answers.

 

The affair began while my wife was going through some intense post partum depression. I knew she was depressed at the time, but I don't think I realized the extent of it. She admitted at one point she came close to suicide. The OW entered her life during that time.

 

After she became pregnant with our 3rd child, she cut it off. (finding the letter she wrote to the OW cutting it off is how I found out for sure something had occured) They started back up again after our child was born, but not for very long. My wife stated that while she was in love with the woman, they had physical relations only around 10 times total, she had to end that part of the relationship 3 times and each time the OW would threaten to harm herself and the whole thing apparently got real messy because my wife loved this woman and was trying to keep it on just an emotional level and the OW kept threatening to hurt herself. I know this much is very true as my wife had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night last year after the OW had flipped her car and had to be cut out of it, later claiming she may have done it on purpose. *note at the time, I already knew the OW had PTSD from other issues in her life, so it did not immediately occur to me that it could have been a result of them having a relationship.

 

She claims that the sex was mostly the OW performing sexual favors on her and that she doesn't particularly find other women sexually attractive, more than she was caught up in being emotionally involved with the OW.

 

As far as us, we are doing good and working on repairing our marriage. She is making a clear effort towards re-connecting with me and claims she is finally truly happy again and glad to be "out" of the mess. I have access to everything and she deleted all apps on her phone that she shared songs, texts or communicated with the OW in any way except for Facebook, but the OW has been blocked from her facebook account. I'm pretty sure if I could tell that she was trying to force seeming happy, but she does seem as if she is glad it is cut off and over.

 

It will still be a very long time before I have any significant amount of trust in her and I still think about all that happened often, but hoping those things improve over time. I ask myself a lot, .. would I have stayed if it wasn't for my 3 young children? right now.. the answer is still yes. If that answer ever changes, whether she makes me question her actions again or she falls back into old patterns and stops putting in the obvious effort to emotionally re-connect with me, .. then I would say it is time to give up and move on.

 

That's all I got for now.

[kamani]

I didn't read all the posts but followed most of your posts.

 

Like you I was in a basically happy marriage of 7 years when my husband finally had to confess me that he had sex with multiple men before and after our marriage, but things have been purely physical. He rejected any emotional attachment, I couldn't find any clue either.

 

In your case there had been emotional attachment at deep level as well.

 

I don't know whether this question ever bothered you. But the moment I learned the truth the very first question in my mind was 'So, this man is at least bi and can I ever fulfill his desires because I don't have those male parts?'

 

How was your sex life? Don't you think she'll be tempted to cheat you again with a woman?

[cc_zero]

I didn't read all the posts but followed most of your posts.

 

Like you I was in a basically happy marriage of 7 years when my husband finally had to confess me that he had sex with multiple men before and after our marriage, but things have been purely physical. He rejected any emotional attachment, I couldn't find any clue either.

 

In your case there had been emotional attachment at deep level as well.

 

I don't know whether this question ever bothered you. But the moment I learned the truth the very first question in my mind was 'So, this man is at least bi and can I ever fulfill his desires because I don't have those male parts?'

 

How was your sex life? Don't you think she'll be tempted to cheat you again with a woman?

 

Yes, I most certainly have those questions floating around in my mind. All I can do at the moment is accept my wifes answers to those questions. Which is that she had mostly a "taker" sexual relationship with the OW that didn't happen very many times and she ended that part several times with each time the OW breaking down over it and threatening to hurt herself.

 

Our sex life was good before the affair but had definitely fallen into the 5 years of marriage doldrums a bit. It dropped off a cliff during the affair and is now at the moment as good as it ever has been.

 

But despite it appearing she certainly enjoys it, I certainly have thoughts of whether she's just doing it for me.

 

I suppose I'm most interested in how long she keeps up with emotionally re-connecting with me and all the relationship and sexual extra efforts.

 

That whole part is one of the more difficult to work though. Counseling is probably necessary, but unfortunately just not possible at the moment with 3 small children and no having family around. Babysitters and counseling would be very expensive.

 

Sorry to get this "detailed" but my understanding so far is that she's Bi enough to fall in love with another woman, touch her, be naked with her, allow her to do whatever to her.... BUT her she'd never touch another vagina with her tongue if that makes sense.

 

As a completely heterosexual male, it's a hard thing to wrap my head around. As essentially until I fully trust her again one day in the future.. it's like everyone is a potential threat. (not that she's done anything since to enforce that feeling.. its just how it is at the moment)

[Poutrew]

I actually think you are in a somewhat good place at the moment. An example: Money lenders will tell you that the best person to lend cash to is someone who has recently declared bankruptcy. The can't weasel out of the loan because they can only declare bankruptcy once every 7 years. They *must* pay it back one way or the other. Your wife is in the same place. She knows you are watching now. You have full access to everything. She risks getting caught and she knows you will curb her if it ever happens again. She doesn't want that. As far as her bisexuality is concerned, even if she does have sexual feelings towards other women, but buries it so deep that it never manifests in any way, then it is like it doesn't exist. You have no control over what she thinks, like she can't control what you think. Out of sight, out of mind. I'd simply tell her: "Hun, once I am dead if you want to Lez out and have porn star sex with women, sheep, or whatever, it will be no skin off my dead ass. I'll be dead. Do what you want. But until then, You will never do any of those things because not doing those things is a requirement for staying in this marriage. The day you do something that is not part of our marriage contract, that is the day our marriage is over, and you will actually know that before I do. Understand?" The ball will be in her court, because she is the one that decided to play the game... responsibility and all that jazz.

[Jersey born raised]

I understand your feelings about the why she is being intimate with you. It is something you both need to work together on.

 

I do believe what your wife said about her reaction to performing oral sex on another woman. I've had to conversation several times with woman ( none of whom I was intimate with). While they had been in involved with FFM threesomes and the other woman performed oral sex on them, the idea of doing so to another woman was appalling.

 

At this point I think you need to stop digging and asking about the physical details and work on your emotional connection. Accept the idea that sometimes a woman will use intimacy to nourish and maintain an emotional connection. The question you ask about the reason why she is intimate with you, the OW was most likely asking herself as well.

 

Finally let me repeat myself, do not ever suggest a FFM thresome to her. If she offers it is a shyt test, decline politely.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[HereNorThere]

So you decided to rugsweep? All the advice given to you by people who have already been through this sort of thing and you just threw it out the window and did exactly what we warned you not to do. Smh.

 

You don't really know anymore information today than the day you found out. She blame-shifted, deflected, or just flat out disrespectfully ignored your questions.

 

Maybe next time you will lay down the law, but I doubt it. Someone like this doesn't stop without consequences. There were no consequences to her at all. If anything, your reaction has done nothing but enable her. Now she knows she can do whatever she wants and you'll be there with a towel willing to clean up the mess. Just wait until it's one of your best friends or some other guy. The facts are: she's bisexual and she's a cheater. Hopefully she'll give you a year or so to heal, but it will happen again. Make sure you have you finances in order and some plans for a new life.

 

Godspeed.

[S2B]

Yes, I most certainly have those questions floating around in my mind. All I can do at the moment is accept my wifes answers to those questions. Which is that she had mostly a "taker" sexual relationship with the OW that didn't happen very many times and she ended that part several times with each time the OW breaking down over it and threatening to hurt herself.

 

Our sex life was good before the affair but had definitely fallen into the 5 years of marriage doldrums a bit. It dropped off a cliff during the affair and is now at the moment as good as it ever has been.

 

But despite it appearing she certainly enjoys it, I certainly have thoughts of whether she's just doing it for me.

 

I suppose I'm most interested in how long she keeps up with emotionally re-connecting with me and all the relationship and sexual extra efforts.

 

That whole part is one of the more difficult to work though. Counseling is probably necessary, but unfortunately just not possible at the moment with 3 small children and no having family around. Babysitters and counseling would be very expensive.

 

Sorry to get this "detailed" but my understanding so far is that she's Bi enough to fall in love with another woman, touch her, be naked with her, allow her to do whatever to her.... BUT her she'd never touch another vagina with her tongue if that makes sense.

 

As a completely heterosexual male, it's a hard thing to wrap my head around. As essentially until I fully trust her again one day in the future.. it's like everyone is a potential threat. (not that she's done anything since to enforce that feeling.. its just how it is at the moment)

 

It's like your wife and your marriage have been a farce this whole time but yet - you're still willing to believe the words she says as the truth.

 

You can't believe a thing she says.

 

She has cheated. She has spent a lot of time and energy focused on another woman.

 

It looks like you are getting extra energy from her now to overcompensate her bad behavior.

 

Is this good enough for you? If so, then know that you're living in denial wanting to believe her lies.