Welp, finally learned the truth...

[Jersey born raised]

Hi cc,

 

It has been awhile since you last posted. I hope things are working out for you but remain concerned for you. Don't hesitate to update your thread.

[cc_zero]

Thought I'd stop in and update this.

 

So I'm almost 3 weeks out from finding out the truth, however I had suspected for a very long time.

 

She read my letter, which was harsh, and afterwards she went upstairs and cried in the bedroom for awhile. I'm still waiting for a response, but that isn't really her fault, we have 3 children and both work, it was a long letter and I can see how it will take awhile for her to respond in depth to all my questions. But my letter had most everything in it I really wanted to say.

 

Since, I've found I'm only mildly angry, I'm still very hurt, mostly from the lying for so long and disrespect. These actions from someone who on several occasions begged me not to ever cheat on HER, ha right? But I'm still only mildly angry and very hurt.

 

She has initiated NC for life with the OW. She made the call. She has stated she'll do anything and work hard to help put it all back together. She has been very loving to me since it all went down.

 

The odd thing, I'm sure I'll get to once we have a chance to really get into deep talks about this, but for so long she was distant to me, even after the relationship with the OW had really been cut off/down, it sounds like she was in shame/guilt and couldn't look me in the eye. Ever since I found out, I guess it's like a weight came off her that allowed her to open back up to me, I mean a dramatic change was almost instant and I don't think its fake.

 

I won't have more info about the whole thing until I get back all her responses. I figured, considering the situation, it would be easier to answer all my questions in writing. Although, I'm sure once we get some time away with each other from work/kids, a lot of it will come up talking with each other.

 

In this odd situation, the lying/disrespect/hiding and really the fact that for quite a long time, she was dumping all her emotion into the OW and left me out to dry, that is all by far the most painful of it all. However, coming in 2nd because I'm Male and the situation is that FFM sex is probably my top sexual fantasy. And here I thought my wife was straight as an arrow, and while I was giving the kids dinner and sleeping alone while she had a night out with her "friend" and stayed because she didn't want to drive home after drinking. (that was her excuse) ... but while I lay there alone, my wife was having drunk sex with another woman. Something I probably would have loved to be a part of, but was shoved in a closet emotions and all and left there while it all went on.

 

My mind is kind scrambled about it all. I even for a minute considered allowing contact with rules, but then quickly came to my senses that they had way to many emotions involved with each other and after all the lying, hiding and disrespect for me, that it has to be this way.

 

I'm not sure how to really approach my wife of the whole fact that she's clearly bi-sexual now all of the sudden. I was hoping at some point, some of the others on this board that are in similar situations would pipe in.

 

To complicate things, she was a virgin when we got together, so in our marriage I was her only one. So now, as far as I know, she's been with 1 man and 1 woman.

 

We probably need to go to a sex therapist to work things out from that end, on the good side, sex has been much more frequent and very good since I found out. But I also think that's because she's feeling much closer to me now that she's not living with constant guilt. Who knows though, I'm hoping to eventually get answers to all this, it's just such a slow process with 2 working people and 3 kids, alone time together for those kinds of discussions are few and far between. We are planning a get-away though for 4 days in a couple months, so that will help.

 

That's all for now.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thought I'd stop in and update this.

 

So I'm almost 3 weeks out from finding out the truth, however I had suspected for a very long time.

 

She read my letter, which was harsh, and afterwards she went upstairs and cried in the bedroom for awhile. I'm still waiting for a response, but that isn't really her fault, we have 3 children and both work, it was a long letter and I can see how it will take awhile for her to respond in depth to all my questions. But my letter had most everything in it I really wanted to say.

 

We are planning a get-away though for 4 days in a couple months, so that will help.

 

That's all for now.

 

Huh? You poured your heart out to her in a letter that took considerable effort and demanded answers and three WEEKS later she hasn't yet handed her reply back to you? Man... I'm sorry. If she genuinely feared losing you, felt remorseful about betraying you and wanted to reconcile she'd at least have replied to a bloody letter. If it'd have been me I'd have pulled an all nighter as many nights as necessary from the first date it was handed to me until I'd said everything I needed to say. She's disrespecting you and already has her feet back under the table. And why wouldn't she when there are no consequences? She's treating you like a doormat and being rewarded with little couples trips away. I'm sorry but I can't see how it's possible she is genuinely remorseful and will never cheat again when she is putting so little effort into actually trying to make things right and keep you in her life. It's pretty sick.

[S2B]

Huh? You poured your heart out to her in a letter that took considerable effort and demanded answers and three WEEKS later she hasn't yet handed her reply back to you? Man... I'm sorry. If she genuinely feared losing you, felt remorseful about betraying you and wanted to reconcile she'd at least have replied to a bloody letter. If it'd have been me I'd have pulled an all nighter as many nights as necessary from the first date it was handed to me until I'd said everything I needed to say. She's disrespecting you and already has her feet back under the table. And why wouldn't she when there are no consequences? She's treating you like a doormat and being rewarded with little couples trips away. I'm sorry but I can't see how it's possible she is genuinely remorseful and will never cheat again when she is putting so little effort into actually trying to make things right and keep you in her life. It's pretty sick.

 

 

I agree.

 

It's completely disrespectful that she hasn't MADE the time to console you and your feelings.

 

Her non answer is actually her answer - she isn't bothered enough to give you answers you really deserve. And she hasn't been scared enough to change. You haven't invoked any consequences so SHE is still calling all the shots...meaning she still has all the power!

 

And the sex is manipulation - pure and simple it is to keep you quiet = a bargaining tool that works to her advantage.

 

She has you fooled though, right? You thought she was lovingly giving you sex - when it's actually a weapon she's using to manipulate you to stay silent.

[Jersey born raised]

Forget a threesome. What if she falls for the third? What if you do? This you do not need.

[aliveagain]

The third sentence of your update is just another excuse, your still making excuses for her. By allowing this to drag on your in essence giving her a hall pass, she's subtly testing her control over you. You had only just confirmed the truth about her lesbian long term affair and you allow her to go away with a group of women. I read that as a form of forgiveness, almost a reward. She should have, in my opinion, stayed home to work on the infidelity problem. Running off to holiday with a group of lady friends doesn't say remorse to me specially when her sexuality is in doubt. Your giving her mixed signals and this is why a month after you gave her your heart felt letter she still hasn't replied. You drew your line in the sand but keep moving the line rather then defending it. If I a stranger can read this so can she. Sorry if my post sounds like I'm giving you a 2x4 but I am concerned for you and your family and it is meant as a good intention. Give her a time limit.

[cc_zero]

I am going to be putting a time limit on the reply. I was giving it a bit longer, our lives are very busy, we both have demanding jobs and 3 young children. Had my son not gotten sick and I stayed home w/ him, I'm not sure when I would have found the time to write the letter.

 

I would like suggestions for other consequences I could lay out. She's already gone NC with the OW. I think "outting" the affair to friends or family would be unusually harsh in this situation because it was with another woman, I'm not sure she could show face after that. She knows if I ever found they contacted each other again ever or if I ever even found a hint of cheating again, I'd immediately file for divorce. Honestly, besides the NC, I think outting the affair would be the next biggest consequence but I just really think that's tough to do with this.

 

I'm not really rewarding her with the couples trip. She knows that it's a chance to get away from the kids to have more than 10 minutes to really talk about what happened. She's probably not really looking forward to it.

[S2B]

I am going to be putting a time limit on the reply. I was giving it a bit longer, our lives are very busy, we both have demanding jobs and 3 young children. Had my son not gotten sick and I stayed home w/ him, I'm not sure when I would have found the time to write the letter.

 

I would like suggestions for other consequences I could lay out. She's already gone NC with the OW. I think "outting" the affair to friends or family would be unusually harsh in this situation because it was with another woman, I'm not sure she could show face after that. She knows if I ever found they contacted each other again ever or if I ever even found a hint of cheating again, I'd immediately file for divorce. Honestly, besides the NC, I think outting the affair would be the next biggest consequence but I just really think that's tough to do with this.

 

I'm not really rewarding her with the couples trip. She knows that it's a chance to get away from the kids to have more than 10 minutes to really talk about what happened. She's probably not really looking forward to it.

 

Hey, I live every day around REALLY important - REALLY busy people. Ya know what? When it's important = action is focused on THAT important task.

 

Her inaction speaks volumes. It's not that important to her.

 

Consequences? YES! Have her move out! When folks ask why tell them she cheated.

 

See if she then finds time to do the necessary work to REPAIR that damage SHE caused! She found plenty of time to cheat = she's got equal amounts of time to hand you peace of mind.

 

She CHOOSES not to because she all comfortable (even comfortable enough to plan a vacation with women - when she cheats with women!)

 

You are being played her fool because you are drawing that line in the sand that says clearly "stop treating me like crap!"

 

You have ALLOWED this by not taking action.

[LifesontheUp]

I agree with S2B, her inaction speaks volumes.

 

Its very sad because all you are doing is making excuses for why she hasn't replied.

 

IMO your marriage is in way more serious problems than you think.

 

And you are letting her go on a vacation without you Really?

[ShatteredLady]

Most of the children's gyms, kiddy clubs & centers do drop off services at the weekend. If you don't have friends or family who can play with your kids while you talk you could use one of them.

 

My H & I sat-up talking through the night & gave each-other a little 'alone time' the next day.

 

Please be careful & don't make my mistakes! After the first couple of days during & after d-day we were 'really busy'. Everyone got sick & I was struggling taking care of them. Then my H was depressed & stressed. Bad time at work. Sick again. Ugh! Time just drifted on & next thing I knew I was getting answers like "That's all over now! We're past it! We've moved on.". I mention the OW's name & he says "Who?".

 

He might be "passed it" but I'm NOT!!! I NEED to talk! I haven't even decided if I can carry on in this marriage & he thinks that we're completely reconciled!! It sucks.

 

I'm a very passive, laid-back person who makes excuses for loved ones. I feel trapped & broken now.

 

If YOU need, you need & she should be bending over backwards to help you.

[aliveagain]

Friend, if she could find time to bang this girl for 4 months and then continue an emotional affair for another couple of years I think she can find the time to reply to something as important as your letter. Your giving her a chance to prove she's worth staying married to, taking over a month with no response should tell you all you need to know about her priorities. Has she been tested for STD's? There is a transfer of bodily fluids giving and receiving oral from another woman. You can get an STD from simple finger insertion. The humiliation factor of the testing acts as a future deterrent and it brings the risk she put you in into present reality. It appears she's just doing enough to keep you in the relationship but not enough to make sure it never happens again. She needs some serious counselling to find out why she risked everything so it never happens again. You shouldn't be the one pushing her for all of this, the onus is on her to prove that she is a safe partner.

[cc_zero]

I'm throwing another update to this again;

 

So we had a talk one night and she's beginning to talk small bits about what happened. She has repeated that she hates talking about it because she doesn't want to think about it and I've repeated that it's important to me and basically we have to. I'm allowing her some time to open up more about it all. Right now, when I bring it up (without anger, just discussion) she curls up and looks like a puppy that **** the carpet and listens but says very little. Essentially though, I'm not allowing her to drop it and she knows that now, so it's beginning to come out in tiny pieces.

 

Outside of that part, she's been an open book. Her phone is available to me at all times as well as phone call records, etc. Without asking, she makes a point of telling me where she was at if she's late getting home. Even if it was just that she had to stop for gas. She is still being very loving and has requested that if we work through everything that we renew our vows for our 10th anniversary next year. She checks in with me daily to see how I'm doing, I don't lie, if I'm having a rough day I tell her and tell her what did it.

 

I think we will need some marriage counseling to help open her up to talk about the reasons for the affair itself, (although I think i'm aware of most of them), but more specifically about the fact it was another woman and what that means for us as a couple. I'm not really sure if we need to see a Sex Therapist or Marriage Counselor or both. But counseling will have to wait until later this summer though, with 3 children in spring sports and no family around until summer, it's simply impossible.

 

I know a lot of you tout the hard line approach, .. kick the WS out for awhile, make them wallow in what they did and wonder what will happen. Personally, I think that's probably the correct response to take for a cheating husband, not so sure it's always the correct response for a cheating wife. As often, they cheat for entirely different reasons. In general, I think there can be more dual blame to go around when the wife cheats, sometimes the WH had some strange approach him and couldn't resist or he just flat out went out looking for some strange.

 

I will continue updating on occasion how this all goes.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I'm almost 3 weeks out from finding out the truth, however I had suspected for a very long time.

 

Others may feel differently but I'd stop with the letters and any decision making. And I'd start with MC.

 

You're weeks into a process that takes years. Your wife wife risked everything - family, happiness, health, financial security, etc. - to be with her AP. You - and she - need to understand why that occurred and how you can work together to have the priorities and communication in place that makes a repeat unlikely.

 

A sex therapist does you no good if you have a lousy marriage. Don't treat the symptoms, cure the disease...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited May 11, 2016 by 66Charger

[Darren Steez]

As often, they cheat for entirely different reasons

 

No I think you'll find it's the same reason. They wanted to, then went ahead and did it.

 

All the crying and snot dripping AFTER the fact changes nothing.

 

Not a mistake but deliberate choices to proceed and have sex.

 

Same for man and woman.

[S2B]

As often, they cheat for entirely different reasons

 

No I think you'll find it's the same reason. They wanted to, then went ahead and did it.

 

All the crying and snot dripping AFTER the fact changes nothing.

 

Not a mistake but deliberate choices to proceed and have sex.

 

Same for man and woman.

 

I agree. And when you stop being so easy in her she may give you some effort. Since you're being so lenient she's gonna try and give you no effort to genuinely reconcile and be sorry she she did to you.

 

Looks like she's not sorry she did it - she's sorry she got caught = BIG difference. She's still got you as her chump.

[Just a Guy]

Hi cc, you have received a lot of advice from a lot of people here. Some of it is sterling and some generic. The fact is that yours is a very delicate situation and only you are living through it. I would say hear every one and then take from it what you think most fits your situation. For the rest rely on your own judgement and proceed according to your own intuitive line of reasoning. The fact is it is you who is wearing the shoe and only you know where it pinches. You know your wife, having been married to her for almost ten years, better than your own family and the forum members here, although well meaning, are a far third in the order of personal knowledge of your wife. You have a lot invested in your marriage with children and family history. Only you would know whether she is displaying true remorse or not and if you are wrong in reading her then you are going to be the biggest loser.

 

Keep posting and updating people here about how things are going. Maybe at some point in the future you may find that something they say is going to be a life saver for you. I guess even the harshest of folks on this forum still have your best interests at heart although they may not be offering you the best advice at a point of time. So cheer up and keep up the good fight. Warm wishes.

[NTV]

Don't know if you've looked into it, so I'll just ask quickly. Have you heard of a postnup?

[S2B]

Why aren't you holding your wife accountable for her cheating? Why aren't you expecting more from her? She blew your whole world apart! It seems odd that you make excuses for her. She isn't too busy to give you answers.

[aliveagain]

Quote.......I know a lot of you tout the hard line approach, .. kick the WS out for awhile, make them wallow in what they did and wonder what will happen. Personally, I think that's probably the correct response to take for a cheating husband, not so sure it's always the correct response for a cheating wife. As often, they cheat for entirely different reasons. In general, I think there can be more dual blame to go around when the wife cheats, sometimes the WH had some strange approach him and couldn't resist or he just flat out went out looking for some strange.

 

I will continue updating on occasion how this all goes.

 

 

 

 

Friend, there is only one reason they cheat, men or women, and that is because they want to. There is no other reason because anything forced would be rape.

[S2B]

I don't think you'll ever really have her truth. She's not OFFERING you info. You're having to chase her info...and therefore you ONLY know what you think you know.

 

When any person finds a partner cheating - and things remain essentially the same but it's swept under the rug by not discussing it a LOT = it's usually indicative that the cheater is still in the mindset of cheating... By either remember the affair fondly, trying to figure out how to keep the affair active on some level or searching for a new affair partner to find that same high.

 

If 200% of the cheaters energy isn't going into repairing that damage they caused - it's usually because that energy is going toward finding a new love.

[aliveagain]

Just checking in on you. Has your wife replied to your letter? Has she given you a written timeline of all the events? Has she explained why she chose to have an affair with a same sex affair partner and what it means to your relationship going forward? Is she in independent counselling?

[Whoknew30]

Thought I'd stop in and update this.

 

So I'm almost 3 weeks out from finding out the truth, however I had suspected for a very long time.

 

She read my letter, which was harsh, and afterwards she went upstairs and cried in the bedroom for awhile. I'm still waiting for a response, but that isn't really her fault, we have 3 children and both work, it was a long letter and I can see how it will take awhile for her to respond in depth to all my questions. But my letter had most everything in it I really wanted to say.

 

Since, I've found I'm only mildly angry, I'm still very hurt, mostly from the lying for so long and disrespect. These actions from someone who on several occasions begged me not to ever cheat on HER, ha right? But I'm still only mildly angry and very hurt.

 

She has initiated NC for life with the OW. She made the call. She has stated she'll do anything and work hard to help put it all back together. She has been very loving to me since it all went down.

 

The odd thing, I'm sure I'll get to once we have a chance to really get into deep talks about this, but for so long she was distant to me, even after the relationship with the OW had really been cut off/down, it sounds like she was in shame/guilt and couldn't look me in the eye. Ever since I found out, I guess it's like a weight came off her that allowed her to open back up to me, I mean a dramatic change was almost instant and I don't think its fake.

 

I won't have more info about the whole thing until I get back all her responses. I figured, considering the situation, it would be easier to answer all my questions in writing. Although, I'm sure once we get some time away with each other from work/kids, a lot of it will come up talking with each other.

 

In this odd situation, the lying/disrespect/hiding and really the fact that for quite a long time, she was dumping all her emotion into the OW and left me out to dry, that is all by far the most painful of it all. However, coming in 2nd because I'm Male and the situation is that FFM sex is probably my top sexual fantasy. And here I thought my wife was straight as an arrow, and while I was giving the kids dinner and sleeping alone while she had a night out with her "friend" and stayed because she didn't want to drive home after drinking. (that was her excuse) ... but while I lay there alone, my wife was having drunk sex with another woman. Something I probably would have loved to be a part of, but was shoved in a closet emotions and all and left there while it all went on.

 

My mind is kind scrambled about it all. I even for a minute considered allowing contact with rules, but then quickly came to my senses that they had way to many emotions involved with each other and after all the lying, hiding and disrespect for me, that it has to be this way.

 

I'm not sure how to really approach my wife of the whole fact that she's clearly bi-sexual now all of the sudden. I was hoping at some point, some of the others on this board that are in similar situations would pipe in.

 

To complicate things, she was a virgin when we got together, so in our marriage I was her only one. So now, as far as I know, she's been with 1 man and 1 woman.

 

We probably need to go to a sex therapist to work things out from that end, on the good side, sex has been much more frequent and very good since I found out. But I also think that's because she's feeling much closer to me now that she's not living with constant guilt. Who knows though, I'm hoping to eventually get answers to all this, it's just such a slow process with 2 working people and 3 kids, alone time together for those kinds of discussions are few and far between. We are planning a get-away though for 4 days in a couple months, so that will help.

 

That's all for now.

 

A sex therapist isn't going to help if your wife is sexually attracted to women. I feel for you bc this is not the "normal" A but your wife has known for sometime she's attracted to women. That just doesn't happen one day as an adult, I know many gay people (bi mixed in) & they've all known since young what they were attracted to, even if confused bc of society, deep down they knew. You being her first & only (until this) she never had a real chance to explore these feelings before marrying you. Its great she's gone NC with this woman but that isn't going to change what she's sexually attracted to, that just doesn't go away with counseling. This is an extremely sticky situation for both of you bc if someone isn't emotionally ready to "come out" & they're in denial themselves, how can they give a clear answer to anyone else? Maybe she needs to go to IC a little before you start MC to give her more tools to open up, it's evident she's struggling with that bc you had no idea she would ever mess around with a woman in the first place. I know she did wrong & you have every right to be upset but this has to be devastating for her, since she's be hiding that part of her self for a long time. The affair part is wrong but she can't help what sex she attracted to... I've had family members that were sucidel bc they didn't how to handle all the emotion that comes with "coming out".Such a sad situation for both of you. I'm sorry & I wish you luck.

[sidney2718]

 

Friend, there is only one reason they cheat, men or women, and that is because they want to. There is no other reason because anything forced would be rape.

 

Absolutely. But then the question becomes WHY do they want to?

Edited May 20, 2016 by sidney2718

[Whoknew30]

Friend, there is only one reason they cheat, men or women, and that is because they want to. There is no other reason because anything forced would be rape.

 

Absolutely. But then the question becomes WHY do they want to?

 

Everyone has a different motive for cheating. Some people are broken inside, some are in a broken marriage...cheating is always a symptom of a bigger problem somewhere & it's different for everyone.