I went on a date and the search..

[TunaCat]

At least you HAD a date. That means you are attractive to people and that you're able to get dates. Focus on THAT even though the end result wasn't what you were hoping for.

[ZA Dater]

Ok she started talking to me again and I get this after I asked her if she would like to meet up next week: "well I don't think we are looking for the same thing, I am looking for friends (bear in mind she is on tinder) and you are looking for a girlfriend".

 

 

My reply: "Well that's quite unfortunate, I enjoyed spending time with you I would you like to be friends"

 

 

Her reply: "thanks but I'd rather not I am sure you will find a gf very soon".

[Rejected Rosebud]

I agree with you to a large extent. Its all moot because she is totally ignoring me.

That's ok. She obviously wasn't feeling the "wow" either.

 

 

Perhaps I am just better off pursuing the material aspects of life.

Why do you say that? :confused: Most people get to know plenty of others before they find one that "fits."

 

It's really not analogous to eating at a fine restaurant vs. McDonald's though. That kind of thinking is not helping you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

An update on this date, apparently she is just looking for friends and apparently I am not quite what she wants in that area either. Wonderful feel good that is for me....not.

But you weren't into her at all ... so be OK with that!

 

People really aren't on dating sites to "find friends." Friendships actually have to develop just like other kinds of relationships, you are unlikely to connect with a real one because of Tinder. She was just trying to let you down politely - which you could (maybe should) have done yourself, since you were very clear at the beginning of this thread that you weren't feeling her at all.

[PrettyEmily77]

In your first post, you say

 

I just didn't feel anything at all

 

So in fact she was wrong, you both felt a relationship wasn't on the cards, due to lack of mutual attraction. That's actually a best case scenario under the circumstances.

 

Her reply: "thanks but I'd rather not I am sure you will find a gf very soon".

 

She doesn't trust that you will satisfy yourself with a friendship with her (she probably has some experience of this on her side and doesn't to risk a repeat performance). To her credit, she was clear and honest with you.

 

I don't know that many people settle, but some compromise , which really isn't the same thing.

[ZA Dater]

That's ok. She obviously wasn't feeling the "wow" either.

 

 

Why do you say that? :confused: Most people get to know plenty of others before they find one that "fits."

 

It's really not analogous to eating at a fine restaurant vs. McDonald's though. That kind of thinking is not helping you.

 

Really people go through 50 people to find one date? Wow that's amazing considering I have never met a 32yo who has never had a gf but yes you kind thoughts are appreciated.

[ZA Dater]

In your first post, you say

 

 

 

So in fact she was wrong, you both felt a relationship wasn't on the cards, due to lack of mutual attraction. That's actually a best case scenario under the circumstances.

 

 

 

She doesn't trust that you will satisfy yourself with a friendship with her (she probably has some experience of this on her side and doesn't to risk a repeat performance). To her credit, she was clear and honest with you.

 

I don't know that many people settle, but some compromise , which really isn't the same thing.

 

I'd have been quite happy to be her friend and stated as much at dinner, bottom line is once again I am not even good enough to be someone's friend, that's what it boils down to, nothing more and nothing less.

 

 

Settle and compromise are in my opinion one and the same. I was compromising heavily with her. I figured out early on she was attracted to me so I offered friendship, which apparently wasn't good enough.

 

 

What she gave me was nothing more than a cop out, I have preferred. "you are ugly I don't like you, you are too tall I don't like, you speak funny I don't like you" because as it stands now I have no idea why I am so unsuitable I cannot even be a friend.

 

 

At two weeks away from 32 I am frankly starting to run out of patience and marketability for want of a better word. Went to a club lunch with club members, guess what, the only single person there. People say it doesn't matter but those people typically have never spent years on their own.

 

 

This lady would have been perfect to take to such events. At least then I would at least feel like a got some of the experience that having a gf provides even if its completely false. That's what its always been about with me, the experience. I desperately want to experience that feeling of being wanted by someone nice, why is that seemingly so hard to find? The experience of someone taking an interest in me.

 

 

People say oh you meet 50 people then the 51st one you like, rubbish, I have never ever met anyone who has had to sift through people in order to find a date.

 

 

I am just frustrated because I really did try, I lost that awkwardness, made her laugh and put my personality out there and yet the same result as when I was all awkward in the past. For me a win here would be seeing her again, even if it was just for coffee and a chat.

 

 

Clearly according to the collective genius of this forum I am just being unrealistic in everything I do.

[Imajerk17]

I'm not seeing this as a failed outcome on your part, you met, had a pleasant time but no real connection, so there is no need to pursue things further even as "friends". That is how MOST online dates go.

 

You made her laugh, no awkwardness, all good things. Onward and upward.

[PrettyEmily77]

Clearly according to the collective genius of this forum et.

 

Why thank you! There's nothing like a bit of sarcasm on a lazy Sunday afternoon...

 

It's not that you're not good enough to be friends, it's just that some people have clear boundaries for that kind of stuff and don't go from potential partners to friends in 5 seconds flat.

 

As it is, you don't know each other enough for a friendship and she has decided, for reasons that might very well have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally, that she doesn't want to pursue this. That's her prerogative and not the end of the world. This indicates nothing in terms of your personal value as a potential friend or otherwise.

 

Stop compromising / settling if it's leading you nowhere. I'm not going to enter into semantics with you but they don't mean the same thing at all - when you compromise, you accept that you yourself aren't any more perfect than anyone else and are therefore open to accepting people as they are, just like you would want them to accept you for who you are. If you have to make an effort with everyone you meet, something's off.

[ZA Dater]

Why thank you! There's nothing like a bit of sarcasm on a lazy Sunday afternoon...

 

It's not that you're not good enough to be friends, it's just that some people have clear boundaries for that kind of stuff and don't go from potential partners to friends in 5 seconds flat.

 

As it is, you don't know each other enough for a friendship and she has decided, for reasons that might very well have nothing whatsoever to do with you personally, that she doesn't want to pursue this. That's her prerogative and not the end of the world. This indicates nothing in terms of your personal value as a potential friend or otherwise.

 

Stop compromising / settling if it's leading you nowhere. I'm not going to enter into semantics with you but they don't mean the same thing at all - when you compromise, you accept that you yourself aren't any more perfect than anyone else and are therefore open to accepting people as they are, just like you would want them to accept you for who you are. If you have to make an effort with everyone you meet, something's off.

 

 

1: Yes it does when it happens all the time.

2: I have to make an effort with everyone I meet, made a massive one with this person.

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[PrettyEmily77]

1: Yes it does when it happens all the time.

2: I have to make an effort with everyone I meet, made a massive one with this person.

 

1. No, it means you have to rethink your boundaries / people-picker. Most people do not want to become friends with someone they've just had a date with where there was no attraction. Most people do not end up in an LTR with the first few people they have met, OLD or otherwise. I don't do OLD so I don't know the specifics of how it works but I'm willing to bet that more exposure = more instances of rejections.

 

2. You shouldn't need to, frankly speaking. I personally like people and will happily engage in conversation with most people under most circumstances, IRL or on LS - I don't necessarily want a friendship out of it, but I enjoy talking and getting to know people. That requires zero effort on my part.

 

You don't need to be the most extroverted, sociable or confident person, but having a friendly, casual chat with a neighbour, the lady at the cash-point or your colleague costs nothing at all - start with that, that may help.

[elaine567]

Rejected first dates are not really seen as friend material so I am not sure why you feel she should befriend you.

 

One, she rejected you as a suitor, so that makes things awkward between you for a start.

Two, people on dates are not really looking for friends, most have enough friends or will be looking to make friends in other places ie around hobbies, interests, education, work etc..

Three, how does she know you really want to be a just a friend? How does she know that you will not constantly and annoyingly try to get her to date you, while pretending to be just a friend? She doesn't want to lead anyone on either.

Four, what did you bring to the party to make her want to be friends with someone she just met? I could see me wanting to be friends with someone who was genuinely hilarious or talented, or someone who had an uncommon interest we both shared, but otherwise, no.

Five, if everyone made a friend every time they went on a date, they would eventually have no time left for actual dating, just friends meeting friends meeting friends...

Six, rejected people can be hurt and upset, especially if they thought they had been rejected unfairly, some rejected men can be downright abusive so disappearing is often then seen by women as the best option rather than getting too involved.

[ZA Dater]

1. No, it means you have to rethink your boundaries / people-picker. Most people do not want to become friends with someone they've just had a date with where there was no attraction. Most people do not end up in an LTR with the first few people they have met, OLD or otherwise. I don't do OLD so I don't know the specifics of how it works but I'm willing to bet that more exposure = more instances of rejections.

 

2. You shouldn't need to, frankly speaking. I personally like people and will happily engage in conversation with most people under most circumstances, IRL or on LS - I don't necessarily want a friendship out of it, but I enjoy talking and getting to know people. That requires zero effort on my part.

 

You don't need to be the most extroverted, sociable or confident person, but having a friendly, casual chat with a neighbour, the lady at the cash-point or your colleague costs nothing at all - start with that, that may help.

 

There is the kicker: no attraction. That's is my problem plain and simple.

 

 

Its enormously frustrating because I have little to no control as to how attractive I am, I work out, I am slim, I am tall, I have blue eyes but frankly I am starting to think there is something radically wrong with me that NOBODY seems to find me attractive or what does find me attractive is so unattractive themselves (usually massively obese) that there is no way I would ever go there.

 

 

I have changed my look, my clothes and nothing seems to help. Its just a very demotivating, deflating experience, one which gives me little to no positive out of it. I tried hard here like I did every other time I actually managed to get someone to go out with me. I am actually ashamed to say I am really starting to think its something I may never get right, I don't know if anyone here can really relate to feeling so lonely for so much of the time. Had I had something positive to cling to it would make things a heck of a lot easier but every evening I clamber into the same cold bed, wake up alone the next day, go to work, come home, work on projects and the same cycle repeats itself. In between I see couples, hear co workers talk about their kids, wives, girlfriends and I have nothing to add, just furthers rubs home the feeling of loneliness.

 

 

All I wanted from this lady is a few dinners, perhaps a movie and a hug, that was just too much it seems. I truly don't know what people find attractive and I don't think I will ever know.

[ZA Dater]

Rejected first dates are not really seen as friend material so I am not sure why you feel she should befriend you.

 

One, she rejected you as a suitor, so that makes things awkward between you for a start.

Two, people on dates are not really looking for friends, most have enough friends or will be looking to make friends in other places ie around hobbies, interests, education, work etc..

Three, how does she know you really want to be a just a friend? How does she know that you will not constantly and annoyingly try to get her to date you, while pretending to be just a friend? She doesn't want to lead anyone on either.

Four, what did you bring to the party to make her want to be friends with someone she just met? I could see me wanting to be friends with someone who was genuinely hilarious or talented, or someone who had an uncommon interest we both shared, but otherwise, no.

Five, if everyone made a friend every time they went on a date, they would eventually have no time left for actual dating, just friends meeting friends meeting friends...

Six, rejected people can be hurt and upset, especially if they thought they had been rejected unfairly, some rejected men can be downright abusive so disappearing is often then seen by women as the best option rather than getting too involved.

 

Well this certainly brings some logic to the scenario.

 

 

1: I don't see why that would be awkward.

2: She has now specifically told me she only wants friends, why use a dating app for this? Tinder no less.

3: I told her when I sensed she wasn't into me. OK so females cant have male friends, understood clearly. Thanks.

4: Sorry I left my most expensive clothes at home, woe is me. Point taken, I am totally uninteresting. Noted. Untalented. Again noted. Not worth getting to know, again noted. Perhaps there is something to be said for blatant materialism and showing off after all.

5: I wouldn't know because clearly 3 and 4 apply to me.

6: I think everyone is rejected unfairly. There is no fair way to reject people.

 

 

At the end of the day its happened, there is nothing I can do about but there is also nothing I can do to improve it either because there is no meaningful feedback to go on.

[PrettyEmily77]

Its enormously frustrating because I have little to no control as to how attractive I am, I work out, I am slim, I am tall, I have blue eyes but frankly I am starting to think there is something radically wrong with me that NOBODY seems to find me attractive or what does find me attractive is so unattractive themselves (usually massively obese) that there is no way I would ever go there.

 

 

I have changed my look, my clothes and nothing seems to help. Its just a very demotivating, deflating experience, one which gives me little to no positive out of it. I tried hard here like I did every other time I actually managed to get someone to go out with me. I am actually ashamed to say I am really starting to think its something I may never get right, I don't know if anyone here can really relate to feeling so lonely for so much of the time. Had I had something positive to cling to it would make things a heck of a lot easier but every evening I clamber into the same cold bed, wake up alone the next day, go to work, come home, work on projects and the same cycle repeats itself. In between I see couples, hear co workers talk about their kids, wives, girlfriends and I have nothing to add, just furthers rubs home the feeling of loneliness.

 

 

All I wanted from this lady is a few dinners, perhaps a movie and a hug, that was just too much it seems. I truly don't know what people find attractive and I don't think I will ever know.

 

I totally empathise, ZA Dater. You're right, it can't be easy living with the constant feeling of loneliness. However,

 

1. I hope you know that some feel the exact same way as you do whilst in a relationship with an uncaring partner, so being in a relationship isn't necessarily the most obvious answer to your problem.

 

2. Yes, we are social animals (according to Aristotle, not me) but this means most of us need the company of others, ie. this doesn't have to be a romantic partner.

 

3. People on either side of the 'attraction' spectrum are attached / single. Yes, what determines attraction is elusive and can't be universally verified but there are some common pointers, not all to do with how you look: a sense of humour, not taking yourself too seriously, seeing the good / positive in every situation, being of an optimistic nature, seeing your flaws and accepting them with good grace, appreciating life and the good people in yours, enjoying your work, to name but a few.

 

Step away from the dating thing for a while, and try to get to know the people around you a little better. reconnect with past friends or colleagues or family members. It may sound silly but it can change your perspective, show you that others feel the same way you do, that you are not alone.

[elaine567]

Well this certainly brings some logic to the scenario.

 

1: I don't see why that would be awkward. Really????

2: She has now specifically told me she only wants friends, why use a dating app for this? Tinder no less. OK so she does want to be your friend???

3: I told her when I sensed she wasn't into me. OK so females cant have male friends, understood clearly. Thanks. You are being silly here

4: Sorry I left my most expensive clothes at home, woe is me. Point taken, I am totally uninteresting. Noted. Untalented. Again noted. Not worth getting to know, again noted. Perhaps there is something to be said for blatant materialism and showing off after all. -Who mentioned materialism? Pity party.

5: I wouldn't know because clearly 3 and 4 apply to me. Ditto

6: I think everyone is rejected unfairly. There is no fair way to reject people. No, everyone has the right to reject people they are not attracted to and do not want to see again, there is nothing "unfair" about it.

At the end of the day its happened, there is nothing I can do about but there is also nothing I can do to improve it either because there is no meaningful feedback to go on.

 

Why does there need to be feedback? Look, you are taking things way too seriously and I get it because there has been a dearth of interest in you, but the "feed back" may not be as dire as you think it is, she may have rejected you for some totally trivial reason that is in fact laughable, and not because you personally "failed".

[Rejected Rosebud]

Really people go through 50 people to find one date? Wow that's amazing considering I have never met a 32yo who has never had a gf but yes you kind thoughts are appreciated.

 

I didn't say 50 people - I said "plenty." Seriously. People date in order to get to know other people and learn whether there is relationship potential; if there seems to be, they keep dating that one. Otherwise, they move on. Even though I'm sure it doesn't feel great when one has to move on, it's still a step in the right direction that you are getting out there.

[ZA Dater]

I totally empathise, ZA Dater. You're right, it can't be easy living with the constant feeling of loneliness. However,

 

1. I hope you know that some feel the exact same way as you do whilst in a relationship with an uncaring partner, so being in a relationship isn't necessarily the most obvious answer to your problem.

 

2. Yes, we are social animals (according to Aristotle, not me) but this means most of us need the company of others, ie. this doesn't have to be a romantic partner.

 

3. People on either side of the 'attraction' spectrum are attached / single. Yes, what determines attraction is elusive and can't be universally verified but there are some common pointers, not all to do with how you look: a sense of humour, not taking yourself too seriously, seeing the good / positive in every situation, being of an optimistic nature, seeing your flaws and accepting them with good grace, appreciating life and the good people in yours, enjoying your work, to name but a few.

 

Step away from the dating thing for a while, and try to get to know the people around you a little better. reconnect with past friends or colleagues or family members. It may sound silly but it can change your perspective, show you that others feel the same way you do, that you are not alone.

 

Thanks for the good suggestions and empathy.

 

I never really connect with anybody and perhaps that combined with being clearly unattractive (the rejections back this up) is perhaps where the problem is. I did go out to improve my look, for what its worth I am slim and tall, not muscular though, I have never wanted to look like some refugee from a Rambo movie.

 

I started to work out to gain some muscle tone and have been successful in part but again what irks me is I just think people don't like my personality and that quite a difficult thing to accept and an even harder one to change.

 

Looking around me it just seems everyone else dates with ease, I know people who are never single. Working on a plan in my mind to try and reverse all the apparent things don't like, it just becomes a laundry list of things, I cant suddenly get my 20's back, I cant go to a residential university, I cant get those years back, I cant go back and try find friends.

 

At the moment I work and sleep for the most part, I cant recall when last I went out on a weekday evening. When I do go out, where do I go? To a restaurant and eat on my own? To a club, pretend to drink?

 

It just seems almost impossible to meet single people, the only real options are Tinder and OLD.

 

How do I make myself look desirable enough to get some decent Tinder matches?

[SammySammy]

Relationships are not easy.

 

If relationships were easy this site wouldn't exist. Almost all of us are here because some aspect of relationships is hard.

[DreamBigg]

Thanks for the good suggestions and empathy.

 

I never really connect with anybody and perhaps that combined with being clearly unattractive (the rejections back this up) is perhaps where the problem is. I did go out to improve my look, for what its worth I am slim and tall, not muscular though, I have never wanted to look like some refugee from a Rambo movie.

 

I started to work out to gain some muscle tone and have been successful in part but again what irks me is I just think people don't like my personality and that quite a difficult thing to accept and an even harder one to change.

 

Looking around me it just seems everyone else dates with ease, I know people who are never single. Working on a plan in my mind to try and reverse all the apparent things don't like, it just becomes a laundry list of things, I cant suddenly get my 20's back, I cant go to a residential university, I cant get those years back, I cant go back and try find friends.

 

At the moment I work and sleep for the most part, I cant recall when last I went out on a weekday evening. When I do go out, where do I go? To a restaurant and eat on my own? To a club, pretend to drink?

 

It just seems almost impossible to meet single people, the only real options are Tinder and OLD.

 

How do I make myself look desirable enough to get some decent Tinder matches?

 

 

For some reason you are taking a completely mutual lack of interest/wow factor the two of you had and turning it into another definitive sign that you're a hideous failure who shouldn't date and bitter at her for not wanting to have you in her life as a friend and recognizing your redeeming qualities.

 

That's completely not he case. I feel like the only reason you're taking it so negatively is because you're offended that she beat you to the punch by telling you she wasn't interested which makes you feel like less of a person because you were previously sure that she would go out with you again if you asked and that you were "better" than her in a way.

All you need to focus on is - you weren't into her romantically. She wasn't either. And she's not looking to make new friends in the way you are desperate for.

 

As others have already said, these sites like tinder are not for making "friends" in the way you're describing it. Not to mention that you really don't want her as a friend... You just wanted to be able to take her out with you when the places you go are full of couples in order to feel less outcasted. This is just a selfish way to utilize her because she's a female when you're not really bringing any true friendship to the table.

 

You said that all you really wanted was a few dinners and a hug. For someone who resents having to put on a show and go out "marketing" himself, this seems contradictory to what you've said prior. And it's a waste of your time and hers to go out to a handful of dinners and hug someone. Be more mature than that.

 

You ask why she would be on Tinder if she's specifically looking for friends. YOU are on Tinder looking for that as well! Just because it's not specifically doesn't mean you're not doing the same. So take note of the hypocrisy and adjust.

 

You mention going to a bar and "literally everyone" there was a couple. Despite logic saying that would not be the case, I'm curious as to how you came to this conclusion? Did you speak to or know everyone there? If you'd reply saying it was just your educated guess then perhaps you should start focusing on things that are factually true based off evidence, instead of your own intuition and feelings about it. Regardless of how right you feel you are. Just try it.

[DreamBigg]

Your views on your own image are crippling. Ugly people can feel like they own the room. I've had friends who were obese and unhealthy, yet the commanded the room like they owned it and didn't care that most girls would think "he's fat and unattractive". Physical good looks have their place, but the majority of people in this world are just your average flawed human with limitless imperfections. Does that mean all those people stand no chance and just because one girl or a bunch of girls wasn't attracted to them, that means you are not etched in stone in the "Ugly hall of fame"?

 

Of course not.

 

Saying you never connect with anybody won't get much sympathy when you just went on a date. It also doesn't do you much good not trying your hardest or putting any real effort in for the last 2.5 yrs before this last girl.

 

Working out isn't something you can just start up and say you're getting back into like its no big deal. Working out means you go to the gym and exercise for 40mins-an hour each day for at LEAST 3-5 days a week. If you did that... noticeable changes would only be seen after 4-6 months. Going to run on the treadmill for a week, then stopping for a month, then going back. Sorry, but that's nothing at all.

 

For all the advice and suggestions you've been given, why do you Continue going to the same places and using the same things in the same ways that don't work for you? You've been given other alternatives besides Tinder. Have you signed up for any? Telling us that you have in the past and it didn't work is a lame excuse because you haven't done anything in 2.5 years and there are new sites, new places to go.

 

Clubs and Bars is an uneducated and small minded view of where you can go as a single guy. You have this engraved in your head for some reason. There are so many places in the world that you can go where it's not just a bar, or loud music, young college kid kind of atmosphere. Why don't you explore other places for a change?

[DreamBigg]

Sorry to keep replying to this post. It's just that you've said a lot about this subject that's jumped out at me, and contrary to what you keep saying, most of it can be changed and approached in other ways for better odds and better for your own self confidence.

 

I looked back at some of you're other threads on this forum and it's very clear that you've asked these very same questions on multiple occasions and have have dozens and dozens of pages with people replying, offering insight.

 

Would you agree or disagree.

 

Let's try to simplify things. Stick to answering what's asked as directly as you can. It will prevent you from launching into your repetitive sermons about "why you are the way you are" and "why your past went a certain way" etc.

 

1.You're here on this forum in order to get people's advice? Ideas? Feedback? Opinions? Support? Overall interaction and the feeling that others are interested in your life for a change? - would you say it's all of these? Some? Be specific.

 

2. The questions you've asked such as "where to meet single women other than bars/clubs?" , what dating sites are good to try?, what to say/talk about on a first date?, what interests you as a guy and what qualities would make you want to go on a 2nd date?

 

- could you answer in your own words telling us what suggestions, answers, insight, feedback has been given to you for those questions please. Remember to be specific. I scrolled through a few threads and was able to find specific answers to all of those questions so I think you should know that they are there and it's pretty easy to locate if you do want to try something new and productive. I just think the circles need to stop because you're not getting what you want out of this forum and members who take the time to reply to you should be able to at least know it's being acknowledged, or registering in your head. Is that fair would you say?

[ZA Dater]

Your views on your own image are crippling. Ugly people can feel like they own the room. I've had friends who were obese and unhealthy, yet the commanded the room like they owned it and didn't care that most girls would think "he's fat and unattractive". Physical good looks have their place, but the majority of people in this world are just your average flawed human with limitless imperfections. Does that mean all those people stand no chance and just because one girl or a bunch of girls wasn't attracted to them, that means you are not etched in stone in the "Ugly hall of fame"?

 

Of course not.

 

Saying you never connect with anybody won't get much sympathy when you just went on a date. It also doesn't do you much good not trying your hardest or putting any real effort in for the last 2.5 yrs before this last girl.

 

Working out isn't something you can just start up and say you're getting back into like its no big deal. Working out means you go to the gym and exercise for 40mins-an hour each day for at LEAST 3-5 days a week. If you did that... noticeable changes would only be seen after 4-6 months. Going to run on the treadmill for a week, then stopping for a month, then going back. Sorry, but that's nothing at all.

 

For all the advice and suggestions you've been given, why do you Continue going to the same places and using the same things in the same ways that don't work for you? You've been given other alternatives besides Tinder. Have you signed up for any? Telling us that you have in the past and it didn't work is a lame excuse because you haven't done anything in 2.5 years and there are new sites, new places to go.

 

Clubs and Bars is an uneducated and small minded view of where you can go as a single guy. You have this engraved in your head for some reason. There are so many places in the world that you can go where it's not just a bar, or loud music, young college kid kind of atmosphere. Why don't you explore other places for a change?

 

I have been on multiple dating sites for 7 years. In the time i found two genuinely interesting people.

 

I'll answer your questions soon.

[ZA Dater]

Sorry to keep replying to this post. It's just that you've said a lot about this subject that's jumped out at me, and contrary to what you keep saying, most of it can be changed and approached in other ways for better odds and better for your own self confidence.

 

I looked back at some of you're other threads on this forum and it's very clear that you've asked these very same questions on multiple occasions and have have dozens and dozens of pages with people replying, offering insight.

 

Would you agree or disagree.

 

Let's try to simplify things. Stick to answering what's asked as directly as you can. It will prevent you from launching into your repetitive sermons about "why you are the way you are" and "why your past went a certain way" etc.

 

1.You're here on this forum in order to get people's advice? Ideas? Feedback? Opinions? Support? Overall interaction and the feeling that others are interested in your life for a change? - would you say it's all of these? Some? Be specific.

 

2. The questions you've asked such as "where to meet single women other than bars/clubs?" , what dating sites are good to try?, what to say/talk about on a first date?, what interests you as a guy and what qualities would make you want to go on a 2nd date?

 

- could you answer in your own words telling us what suggestions, answers, insight, feedback has been given to you for those questions please. Remember to be specific. I scrolled through a few threads and was able to find specific answers to all of those questions so I think you should know that they are there and it's pretty easy to locate if you do want to try something new and productive. I just think the circles need to stop because you're not getting what you want out of this forum and members who take the time to reply to you should be able to at least know it's being acknowledged, or registering in your head. Is that fair would you say?

 

1: I am mostly here from an understanding point of view, to attempt to understand why I am so apparently undesirable and what people don't like about me because no date is ever going to give an honest answer because its easier to give lame replies or nothing replies. People aren't really interested in me per se, again you spend a day in my shoes and feel what that feels like. Feedback and brutal honesty are appreciated. Had I got a combination of the two from dates I perhaps wouldn't feel as bitter and would easier be able to make peace with what I am.

 

With the greatest of respect the feedback I have been given is

: meet ups

: lower your standards

: move somewhere else

: have a drink

: go to church

: try other dating sites (I think I have tried enough)

: workout

: ask female friends where you can improve

: laugh more

: dress differently

: approach people in shops and bookstores

: therapy

: dating coach

: start studying again, take a short course

: take on new people centric hobbies

: smile more

 

Those are the ones which come to mind.

 

The whole thing has nothing to do with being productive its got to do with who I am, how I think, how I communicate, because clearly there is something wrong with all of those things that I am so unlikeable. No pity party just being logical. I just feel I am so behind at life that I have crossed a sort of no turn back border where I cannot ever return to what society deems to be normal.

 

Have I tried? In my mind I have I tried with this girl, I tried with the last one too, exhaustively it turned out and there has to come a time where its just not about me and what I cant do and who I am not, there has to be a time where someone has to acknowledge the blame isn't all mine, heaping that on my shoulders achieves nothing because its a load I cant ever shift.

 

At the end of the day I am just loner in most senses of the word, at least here I can get some opinions, some feedback because when I look around in reality there is nobody here who gives honest feedback I just get told 'oh there are lots of girls" "oh she is nice", "oh its ok to be single", none of those things make me feel better just more isolated than ever.

 

All the suggestions, well meaning as they are wont work on someone who is isolated. My question remains, how I do make myself desirable on Tinder.

[PrettyEmily77]

All the suggestions, well meaning as they are wont work on someone who is isolated. My question remains, how I do make myself desirable on Tinder.

 

You won't be able to make yourself desirable anywhere if you don't believe it yourself first.

 

People who try to give you suggestions do so because they want to see you succeed, not because they want to highlight your shortcomings.

 

I seriously think you should consider leaving OLD altogether until you get your day-to-day life in order. Even if you secure more dates, this won't make the loneliness go away + 7 years is too long an investment for too little a return - time to change tactics.

 

You say you can't connect with anyone - improving your looks won't help, if that's the case.

 

You can't go back but you can't write off your life either - make small changes now by starting to notice the people around. Do you have family members you can relate or talk to? Do you have someone you can confide in?

 

The feeling of loneliness might be over-powering but it's not a life sentence (and as medic, I don't say this lightly).

 

Why not go to a bar / cinema / on holiday by yourself? PLENTY of people do it, for the exact same reasons as you would.