He is chasing after someone else ... [updated 2016-07-10]

[renaissancewoman]

I know ..I think I convinced myself if we liked each other then why was it wrong.

He wouldn't set me up with his friend yet I had to watch him have a gf..how was that ok.

I can't go back I know I just wish I hadn't of spoilt things.

 

Do yourself a favor: every time you find yourself thinking about what he did to you or how he treated you, STOP. Ask yourself, is this line of thinking going to help my future or am I just perpetuating the hurt? The truth is when you dwell on every detail, every word, every wrong he committed, you're just magnifying any hurt he did by yourself. He's no longer hurting you now, but you concentrate on it and you hurt yourself. The past is the past. Only you can give it power to affect your future. Your future happiness, your future relationships, your future kids. How much are you willing for him to take a stronghold of your life?

[Louisesarah]

Do yourself a favor: every time you find yourself thinking about what he did to you or how he treated you, STOP. Ask yourself, is this line of thinking going to help my future or am I just perpetuating the hurt? The truth is when you dwell on every detail, every word, every wrong he committed, you're just magnifying any hurt he did by yourself. He's no longer hurting you now, but you concentrate on it and you hurt yourself. The past is the past. Only you can give it power to affect your future. Your future happiness, your future relationships, your future kids. How much are you willing for him to take a stronghold of your life?

 

I know I need to sort my own life out.

I don't want to miss any more time.

There is only so many times you can ask yourself if he hadn't of had a child come along would he have gave us a chance before you go insane.

[renaissancewoman]

I know I need to sort my own life out.

I don't want to miss any more time.

There is only so many times you can ask yourself if he hadn't of had a child come along would he have gave us a chance before you go insane.

 

Don't dwell on the what-ifs. That ship has sailed and there is a child who deserves a loving home with a father who teaches him how to love a woman by loving his mother. Regardless, if he is the sort of person who will be that, it's of no consequence to you or your future. Focus on your future.

[BuddyX]

You're already looking for a next relationship hoping it will fix you.

Look, I've been single for 3 years. Best three years of my life. Guess what? No drama, no crazy hook ups, no FB trolling. I just do what makes me happy.

 

You can't be friends with a F buddy. There was no way he could end the relationship to your liking.

 

You're emotionally charged right now, and that's ok. Use this as fuel to a be a better you.

[Louisesarah]

You're already looking for a next relationship hoping it will fix you.

Look, I've been single for 3 years. Best three years of my life. Guess what? No drama, no crazy hook ups, no FB trolling. I just do what makes me happy.

 

You can't be friends with a F buddy. There was no way he could end the relationship to your liking.

 

You're emotionally charged right now, and that's ok. Use this as fuel to a be a better you.

 

It wasn't a f buddy it was more just friends who found each other attractive and chatted

[BuddyX]

Yes, but once you had sex everything changed. And sex is the main reason behind your anger "How could he be intimate with me and disrespect me like that?"

 

It took you a while but I think you're coming around. Focus on you.

[georgia girl]

i am going to try this again, perhaps a bit more gently.

 

There was a time when he was interested in you. He flirted, pursued an intimate friendship and ultimately you were physically intimate. But that time is and has been long over. Who knows why, but he is no longer interested in you. We all experience this in our lives. Someone we are really, really into who once said the things that clearly indicated their interest and desire for us is no longer interested. It hurts because it's totally unrequited love. No matter how much you hope, pray, think, and in any way try to influence a different outcome, he is not into you.

 

The problem many of us see here is that no matter how it's said to you, you seem to refuse to believe it. You come back with something he once said or did or question why he would have done those things in the past. He did them then because he was interested. He is NOT anymore. If he was, he would still be doing them. It is over and your obsession cannot ever make him come back or feel what he once did. I get it. I have been there and I know how it feels to think you will NEVER get over someone.

 

Louise Sarah, we all have been there. Part of growing up is accepting that you can't always get what or who you want. The other part is learning to value yourself and putting you in front of some guy who never treated you well to begin with.

 

I would strongly encourage you to relocate far enough way where you can't go home easily. Otherwise, cut this entire family out of your life. As I said before, this is no longer about him. It's about you and learning to stop disruptive and unhealthy behaviors. It is no longer okay for you to still be hung up on him. You have to make an effort to heal. Continuo g to engage in bad habits to hope for a different outcome is damaging to your psyche and you are proving here that you cannot handle it. Please actually hear what people are saying to you and don't dismiss it. Accept it in your heart. And please move on. He is never coming back.

[Louisesarah]

i am going to try this again, perhaps a bit more gently.

 

There was a time when he was interested in you. He flirted, pursued an intimate friendship and ultimately you were physically intimate. But that time is and has been long over. Who knows why, but he is no longer interested in you. We all experience this in our lives. Someone we are really, really into who once said the things that clearly indicated their interest and desire for us is no longer interested. It hurts because it's totally unrequited love. No matter how much you hope, pray, think, and in any way try to influence a different outcome, he is not into you.

 

The problem many of us see here is that no matter how it's said to you, you seem to refuse to believe it. You come back with something he once said or did or question why he would have done those things in the past. He did them then because he was interested. He is NOT anymore. If he was, he would still be doing them. It is over and your obsession cannot ever make him come back or feel what he once did. I get it. I have been there and I know how it feels to think you will NEVER get over someone.

 

Louise Sarah, we all have been there. Part of growing up is accepting that you can't always get what or who you want. The other part is learning to value yourself and putting you in front of some guy who never treated you well to begin with.

 

I would strongly encourage you to relocate far enough way where you can't go home easily. Otherwise, cut this entire family out of your life. As I said before, this is no longer about him. It's about you and learning to stop disruptive and unhealthy behaviors. It is no longer okay for you to still be hung up on him. You have to make an effort to heal. Continuo g to engage in bad habits to hope for a different outcome is damaging to your psyche and you are proving here that you cannot handle it. Please actually hear what people are saying to you and don't dismiss it. Accept it in your heart. And please move on. He is never coming back.

 

It isn't because I choose not to listen because I do.

It's because I don't understand how someone can pretty much say they love you then a few hours later something changes and they decide to erase you from their life..that's why I struggle..struggle to understand that.

[ladydesigner]

It isn't because I choose not to listen because I do.

It's because I don't understand how someone can pretty much say they love you then a few hours later something changes and they decide to erase you from their life..that's why I struggle..struggle to understand that.

 

(((Louisesarah))) I think the reason it is hard to understand others who act like this is because you do not act without compassion or empathy.

 

I am a current BS and FMOW and I still cannot understand how I married someone who was like this or became this way over time.

 

I think it's best to try not to understand what cannot be understood kwim???

[Louisesarah]

(((Louisesarah))) I think the reason it is hard to understand others who act like this is because you do not act without compassion or empathy.

 

I am a current BS and FMOW and I still cannot understand how I married someone who was like this or became this way over time.

 

I think it's best to try not to understand what cannot be understood kwim???

 

Yeah I guess some people in this world we will never be able to figure out no matter how much we do try.

Would love to get in people's heads

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah I guess some people in this world we will never be able to figure out no matter how much we do try.

Would love to get in people's heads

 

It's not uncommon to not get closure. You may never get the closure you want. You can choose to sit and dwell, or you can move on, just as he has.

[Foreverago]

Yeah I guess some people in this world we will never be able to figure out no matter how much we do try.

Would love to get in people's heads

 

 

People like Hitler and Stalin and serial killers exist and the reasons why aren't fully understood. A guy who is no longer into you is no where near that level of evil, he's just a loser and you deserve to get help and fully move on from the fantasy of what never was.

[Louisesarah]

People like Hitler and Stalin and serial killers exist and the reasons why aren't fully understood. A guy who is no longer into you is no where near that level of evil, he's just a loser and you deserve to get help and fully move on from the fantasy of what never was.

 

Trying to understand how someone can not be into you in a matter of hours is the mystery to me...doesn't mean I'm not trying to move on

[imperfectangel]

But Louise you have to accept it as it is now. Stop trying to question his motives etc you'll never get the fairy tale ending you clearly want. He is wit someone and raising a child with that person. End of.

[georgia girl]

Louise Sarah,

 

Again, very gently... . I don't think he turned off of you in a matter of hours. I think you made it obvious how much you liked him. I think he was interested and was happy to consider the possibilities. Then, you guys got drunk and had sex. I think he regretted it after it was over and started to lose those heady feelings for you. But more, I think you likely made it obvious that you really, really liked him then and that was a turnoff for him. So, he simply moved on.

 

To be honest, it really doesn't matter if it happened in a few hours or a few weeks or whatever. He is done. He has moved on. He's not reaching out and most importantly, he's not going to change his mind in the future, despite whatever you want or do.

 

I'll point out that again, however, you refused to really listen. Instead of just accepting the facts: no, he's not reaching out; no, I haven't talked to him in any meaningful way in months; no, his family aren't good friends to me - you have instead turned it around to another reason why this doesn't all make sense. It makes sense to the rest of us, but it doesn't make sense to you because you don't want to see it.

 

A good friend of mine when I was in my early 20's and got crushed by the first "love of my life" who broke up with me less than a week after I went away at college, gave me some very, very good advice. I kept asking why. Was it because I was gone and no longer convenient? Was it because he was being selfless and wanted me to enjoy my college years? Was it because of something I said or did. She said to me, "Everyone but you could see this coming. Your relationship died a natural death. Let it go. A child cries, "Why?" An adult accepts it, learns the lessons and moves on."

 

Louise Sarah, you can choose to continually ask why or seek some sort of closure from him, but you won't get it. Closure comes from within you by moving on. You NEED to move on.

 

I would also suggest to the mods that this thread be moved to the Breaking Up forum and that you spend some time reading over there. I think you will find some similarities that can help you move on.

 

Quit focusing on why he doesn't like you, love you or want a relationship with you. It's over and done with. Focus on how you move forward.

[Louisesarah]

Louise Sarah,

 

Again, very gently... . I don't think he turned off of you in a matter of hours. I think you made it obvious how much you liked him. I think he was interested and was happy to consider the possibilities. Then, you guys got drunk and had sex. I think he regretted it after it was over and started to lose those heady feelings for you. But more, I think you likely made it obvious that you really, really liked him then and that was a turnoff for him. So, he simply moved on.

 

To be honest, it really doesn't matter if it happened in a few hours or a few weeks or whatever. He is done. He has moved on. He's not reaching out and most importantly, he's not going to change his mind in the future, despite whatever you want or do.

 

I'll point out that again, however, you refused to really listen. Instead of just accepting the facts: no, he's not reaching out; no, I haven't talked to him in any meaningful way in months; no, his family aren't good friends to me - you have instead turned it around to another reason why this doesn't all make sense. It makes sense to the rest of us, but it doesn't make sense to you because you don't want to see it.

 

A good friend of mine when I was in my early 20's and got crushed by the first "love of my life" who broke up with me less than a week after I went away at college, gave me some very, very good advice. I kept asking why. Was it because I was gone and no longer convenient? Was it because he was being selfless and wanted me to enjoy my college years? Was it because of something I said or did. She said to me, "Everyone but you could see this coming. Your relationship died a natural death. Let it go. A child cries, "Why?" An adult accepts it, learns the lessons and moves on."

 

Louise Sarah, you can choose to continually ask why or seek some sort of closure from him, but you won't get it. Closure comes from within you by moving on. You NEED to move on.

 

I would also suggest to the mods that this thread be moved to the Breaking Up forum and that you spend some time reading over there. I think you will find some similarities that can help you move on.

 

Quit focusing on why he doesn't like you, love you or want a relationship with you. It's over and done with. Focus on how you move forward.

 

That really wasn't what happened tho.

I wasn't the one who showed I really really liked him.

It was him who was doing most of the talking,him asking if I loved him,him crying saying he wished we could be together but couldn't leave his son.

He had to ask and ask me to admit how I felt and even then I said I didn't love him,I even asked if he had any single friends he could set me up with and told him about another man I was seeing and that I liked this other guy ..so I was hardly telling him about my undying love for him.

It wasn't like that

[georgia girl]

Louise Sarah,

 

I give up. I'm sorry, but you insist on learning the hard way. No one can tell you anything and you always have a come back. So, what is YOUR choice? It's all on you now.

 

Are you going to try and get over him?

Are you going to continue to stalk any online chance of hearing from him or about him?

Are you going to frequent places he goes and/or keep befriending his sister?

 

These are all YOUR choices. Go for it.

[Foreverago]

Are you interested in helping yourself move on? Are you interested in not being in agony over him? Like really, or is this focus on him helping you avoid reality?

 

Like another poster said, I think you need to bring up the possibility of your medication not working any more at the dose it's at, if you are still taking it. This isn't mentally healthy. I'm not even going to be gentle about it: you need help. No matter what anyone here has said, you counter with things that aren't actual and happening in present. His past words don't matter. His actions back then and now do. Nothing he could even say to you at this point would count as closure, even if he cared enough to talk to you. He's moved on from that night and the talking.

 

I don't like seeing people hurting. But no one here can save you and nothing anyone says is going to help you understand if you haven't heard us at this point and are just using us as a sounding board for staying obsessed.

[ChickiePops]

I agree with GeorgiaGirl and Foreverago..I think this thread is actually counter productive for you. Having to constantly defend everything from other posters who are trying to help you see reason seems to be fueling your obsession and making you more stubborn and unwilling to move on rather than more receptive to outside opinions. Nobody can help you until you're ready to help yourself.

 

The fact of the matter is, he didn't choose you and you might never know why. Such is life. Almost every single person on the planet has been dumped or used or manipulated. You got screwed. It sucks. But there is nothing at all you can do to change it.

 

Now it's time to get yourself mentally heathy and then find someone who DOES choose you. Like a single guy.

 

I'm out too.

[Adoraxx]

Louise Sarah, I have to admit that I cry/ cried "why???????????" so many times too and even now I'm still often wondering what it is that happened.

 

But you know what, there are people out there who LIE about loving you. My MM lied when he told me he loves me.

Your MM lied too when he told you he loves you.

It's not true.

 

We should always focus on their actions and not their words.

Do his actions tell you that he loves you? No, they don't!

You might say: "But he cried!" but even tears can be faked.

And why did he fake it? Why did he lie about it? One can never be sure completely but in my case it was because he wanted sex and that's really all there is to it, sad as it is.

 

You're worth more than this! You're sooo valuable and you're worth it to be pursued by a man who wants you and you only and who will do anything to be near you!!! If a man really wants to be with you, he will make it happen - and he certainly won't play games!! Well, that's not my wisdom but something that I've read over and over again and I believe it's true.

 

Hope you feel better soon!!

[Louisesarah]

I wish i could get over the anger.

I'm so angry at myself.

He had cut me off two times previous but always came back and I allowed him to start talking again.

I wish I hadn't..I wish after the first time I had said no or after he spoke about us getting together then blocked my number for a week then I should of said enough is enough.

I gave him all the power.

[Adoraxx]

Don't beat yourself up! I've lost count of how often the xMM cut me off and how often I (somewhat) let him back into my life.

Just don't let it happen a third time and focus on the future, you will get over him!

[imperfectangel]

My mm had all the power but so what? I kind of actually preferred it that way *ducks for cover* you can go over and over everything time and time again or just accept what's happened and move on. Would you be this upset if you fell out with a friend? Would you obsess over it so much? I actually killed my mm off (in my head lol) and that actually helped me as strange as it sounds

[Louisesarah]

My mm had all the power but so what? I kind of actually preferred it that way *ducks for cover* you can go over and over everything time and time again or just accept what's happened and move on. Would you be this upset if you fell out with a friend? Would you obsess over it so much? I actually killed my mm off (in my head lol) and that actually helped me as strange as it sounds

 

I probably would as I do tend to think and think about things constantly.

Not every day is the same,I can go a couple of weeks where it doesn't hurt anymore then something in my life will happen and il start thinking about him again.

I am texting 2 other men so I'm not sat being miserable every day.

I do compare them to him tho

[imperfectangel]

From what I've read you seem to seek your happiness and self worth from the attention you get from men. This isn't healthy. You have to be happy alone before you can find happiness (true happiness) with someone else.

 

A bf is supposed to "add" happiness to your life not be the only thing you have going on

 

Every time I want to contact mm I think to myself "there's no point he's dead he can't reply". It may sound extreme and obviously I don't want anything to happen to him really but it's how I'm getting over it and we've been NC since January (he broke once but that's it me a few times but no conversation since January).

 

It is hard but you need to spend time with your friends. I'm not looking for another relationship and probably won't until next year. I may meet someone in the mean time I may not but either way I'm happy