Particpant to Cheating, What constitutes responsibility?

[wmacbride]

I sure don't. Im sure alotttt of people don't care about how I would feel so why should I care ?.

 

Think about it. If the tables were turned, what percentage of people would care about hurting you when they don't even know you?. Not many.

 

that's pretty cold, and also untrue.

 

Lots of people do care about people they don't know, and will not knowingly engage in behavior that will hurt them.

[ASG]

that's pretty cold, and also untrue.

 

Lots of people do care about people they don't know, and will not knowingly engage in behavior that will hurt them.

 

Lots of people do, but lots of people don't. I'm not sure which is the majority, but I know loads of people on both sides.

 

 

And also, I don't, knowingly, sleep with taken men these days. But that has nothing to do with hurting their SO. It's all about me. My peace of mind. Not wanting to be involved in any potential drama, which includes the secret. I'm too old to be keeping those kinds of secrets. I once got an earful from this guy, who was cheating on his wife, because I mentioned to a friend in common I'd run into him. Can't be having that in my life. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

[cocorico]

If someone wants to live their life thinking like a moral relativist, fine. You don't want others to force their moral views on to you, fair enough, but please have the same courtesy for others. If you don't value marriage, don't get married, but please at least have enough respect for other people's marriages to move on.

 

 

Why should an outsider have more respect for a M than the people in it? If a MM (or MW) makes themselves available, then they are available.

[Liam1]

I sure don't. Im sure alotttt of people don't care about how I would feel so why should I care ?.

 

Think about it. If the tables were turned, what percentage of people would care about hurting you when they don't even know you?. Not many.

 

Even worse, there are many people who hurt other people by passing judgements without knowing the entire story, or walking in their shoes. That is hurtful, but people will hurt others that way while insisting that it's wrong to do ANYTHING that will hurt another human.

 

That is why I try to stay out of other people's personal business.

 

I can not know the entire story of their marriages or personal lives, so their business is none of my business unless they ask me for help.

 

Now starving children and abused animals, I am all for helping them, because they do not have the mental capacity or are often too overpowered by their situation to help themselves.

 

But two married adults, they can make their own decisions. A person, unless he/she is superhuman can not force or coerce another person into an affair unless that other person is open to it.

 

The bottom line is unless the spouse is a psychopath, there is always a reason why the person is looking to go outside their marriage. It's either physical neglect or emotional neglect by a spouse who refuses to acknowledge their own faults or refuses to face them by seeking counseling.

[cocorico]

If someone wants to live their life thinking like a moral relativist, fine. You don't want others to force their moral views on to you, fair enough, but please have the same courtesy for others. If you don't value marriage, don't get married, but please at least have enough respect for other people's marriages to move on.

 

 

How is having a consensual affair with someone willing "forcing your moral views" onto them? If they are a willing participant in an affair, they either share your moral views, or are at least willing to suspend their own and enter into the A as if they did share those views.

 

Perhaps their BS doesn't share those views, but then it is the WS who is "forcing their moral views" onto the BS, not the OW / OM. The OW / OM is engaging in a consensual R with someone who shares their moral views, or is prepared to adopt those for the purpose of the A. If the BS has different views, it is between the BS and the WS to resolve those within the context of their R, just as it is between the APs to address issues and incompatibilities within the context of their own R.

[Arieswoman]

I can remember one girl I used to know who was a serial OW. Her attitude towards the BS's were "It's not my fault if she can't keep a man".

 

Some time along the way she must have bought her ticket for the Karma Bus, because she become involved with a single guy who turned out to be a serial cheat. (They didn't live together)

 

I lost count of the number of times he cheated, left, then came back again, cheated, left etc over the 7 years she knew him.

 

He cheated with girls at his work, girls at her work, a girl in the next road to her He gave her an STD, yet still she kept taking him back.

All he had to do was tell her he had tickets for the cricket at Lords and they were back on the toxic merry-go-round again.

 

Because she had bought into the theory that the cheating was the result of faults of the betrayed partner, she spent years tying herself in knots trying to please and accommodate him.

 

I wondered if, between all those tears she shed for this dysfunctional relationship, she ever spared a thought for all the BS's whose marriages she'd inserted herself into?

 

I never found out her thoughts because I eventually advised her to dump him and in response she dumped me !!

 

I later heard he's married the last women he cheated with.

[OneLov]

Responsibility for the affair and responsibility for upholding the vows/commitment are two separate issues.

[darkbloom]

Treat others as you would want to be treated.

 

If you wouldn't want to be cheated on then don't engage with someone else in a relationship.

[ASG]

Treat others as you would want to be treated.

 

If you wouldn't want to be cheated on then don't engage with someone else in a relationship.

 

No. That analogy is wrong. If you don't want to be cheated on, then don't cheat.

[velvette]

I sure don't. Im sure alotttt of people don't care about how I would feel so why should I care ?.

 

Think about it. If the tables were turned, what percentage of people would care about hurting you when they don't even know you?. Not many.

 

The bolded is a question you will have to answer for yourself.

 

 

I don't agree with you that most people don't care about hurting others even if they don't know them. That's not my experience. And, fortunately selfish self centered people are pretty obvious after you spend a few minutes with them.

 

 

Of course, that doesn't work with people who are willing to sleep with other peoples spouses, because they know what they are doing is wrong, so they are slinking around in the shadows to hide what they are doing.

[darkbloom]

No. That analogy is wrong. If you don't want to be cheated on, then don't cheat.

 

Wrong. The OP's question was about the person who is NOT in a relationship engaging with someone in one. If you are single than you are not cheating, however, you are engaging with someone who is.

 

I'm saying that if you wouldn't want to be cheated on then it is wrong to actively help someone in a relationship deceive their partner.

[S2B]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

As a grown up woman - lol - I know perfectly well that I am completely responsible for everything I say and do. It's only on me. It took me some milestones to realize that and then live accordingly. It gives me tremendous peace of mind and helps me sleep well at night.

[minimariah]

The person who "helping" with the cheating isn't doing anything wrong.

 

they're engaging in an affair - how can you remove responsibility (even if it's just a moral one) from someone whose actions indirectly affect someone else's life? especially when this person is AWARE of that & doesn't care? that literally makes no sense, it's not logical.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Even worse, there are many people who hurt other people by passing judgements without knowing the entire story, or walking in their shoes. That is hurtful, but people will hurt others that way while insisting that it's wrong to do ANYTHING that will hurt another human.

 

That is why I try to stay out of other people's personal business.

 

I can not know the entire story of their marriages or personal lives, so their business is none of my business unless they ask me for help.

 

Now starving children and abused animals, I am all for helping them, because they do not have the mental capacity or are often too overpowered by their situation to help themselves.

 

But two married adults, they can make their own decisions. A person, unless he/she is superhuman can not force or coerce another person into an affair unless that other person is open to it.

 

The bottom line is unless the spouse is a psychopath, there is always a reason why the person is looking to go outside their marriage. It's either physical neglect or emotional neglect by a spouse who refuses to acknowledge their own faults or refuses to face them by seeking counseling.

 

 

Your first paragraph speaks to what you post in your last paragraph.

 

Passing judgement on others without walking in their shoes or having first hand knowledge of their story. Speaking in absolutes. Placing blame on every BS who isn't married to a psychopath.

 

 

I got quite the chuckle out of it.

[ChickiePops]

I sure don't. Im sure alotttt of people don't care about how I would feel so why should I care ?.

 

Think about it. If the tables were turned, what percentage of people would care about hurting you when they don't even know you?. Not many.

 

I don't know you. Can I hit you with my car? I mean..I don't know you so why should I care if I leave you bloody and mangled and in a ton of pain?

[love1336x]

they're engaging in an affair - how can you remove responsibility (even if it's just a moral one) from someone whose actions indirectly affect someone else's life? especially when this person is AWARE of that & doesn't care? that literally makes no sense, it's not logical.

 

Are they forcing this person to cheat? Are they drugging them, blackmailing them to sleep with them? No, and no. The person who is cheating, it's 100% percent their fault. The blame is on them and nobody else even the other person. They would be no cheating if the person didn't want to cheat in the foremost post. Regardless the dirt bag is cheating either with that individual or another person (if they say no), the other person is only an instrument in the affair. It's not the other person job to worry about somebody else simple as that. Who is this person to them? Nobody. On less it's family, but other than that it's some wife or girlfriend who being taken granted of. They are not a hero.

 

It's like saying guns kill people. No. People kill people. The gun is nothing but instrumental in the killing, so is the other person in the affair.

[ChickiePops]

Are they forcing this person to cheat? Are they drugging them, blackmailing them to sleep with them? No, and no. The person who is cheating, it's 100% percent their fault. The blame is on them and nobody else even the other person. They would be no cheating if the person didn't want to cheat in the foremost post. Regardless the dirt bag is cheating either with that individual or another person (if they say no), the other person is only an instrument in the affair. It's not the other person job to worry about somebody else simple as that. Who is this person to them? Nobody. On less it's family, but other than that it's some wife or girlfriend who being taken granted of. They are not a hero.

 

It's like saying guns kill people. No. People kill people. The gun is nothing but instrumental in the killing, so is the other person in the affair.

 

No..it's nothing like guns and people. Guns are inanimate objects. They don't decide to kill people. People who participate in affairs choose to do so, therefore they are equally responsible.

 

Unless you're saying that all cheaters are rapists? How do those of you who are cheating on your spouses feel about that?

[mightycpa]

I think in the abstract, I'd have to assign some blame to both parties. But if I were the one being cheated on, 100% of the blame would go to the cheater.

Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[minimariah]

Are they forcing this person to cheat?

 

no one is forcing the other person to have some kind of relationship with the already attached person either; meaning, you CHOOSE to engage in an affair -- with that choice, comes responsibility.

 

It's not the other person job to worry about somebody else simple as that.

 

that is absolutely irrelevant - you CAN hurt someone you don't know, someone you've never even met and you WILL take some responsibility for that. if your actions indirectly affect someone's life, yes - you are absolutely responsible to some extent. we can argue semantics all you want, that's pure logic.

 

besides, it is your MORAL responsibility to not harm another person directly or indirectly - so you're again, AT LEAST, morally responsible.

 

It's like saying guns kill people. No. People kill people.

 

bad comparison - besides, statistics show you that murder rates are actually LOWER in the countries with strict weapon laws; meaning... the responsibility is on the weapon and weapon sales, weapons being available. people kill people but can we ignore the fact that murders are higher in countries with cheaper and easily accessible weapons? NO. so the responsibility is on that, too.

 

if i steal some candy & offer you some... you eat them knowing they're stolen, your hands won't be all the way clean.

 

the biggest blame is on the person who cheats, for sure - but you cannot possibly remove ALL responsibility from their AP beause the affair partner's decision to get involved with said attached person might have indirect consequences for the cheated on party.

 

it's not on me to worry about your feelings either but if i do something that harms you and causes you grief INDIRECTLY - for example, hurting your close friend - you will hold me accountable for YOUR own pain, too.

[love1336x]

 

Unless you're saying that all cheaters are rapists? How do those of you who are cheating on your spouses feel about that?

 

I am saying cheaters are not being forced to cheat, that's why I don't see the other person responsible for the cheating. Where in my post do I say that cheaters are a rapists?

[ChickiePops]

I am saying cheaters are not being forced to cheat, that's why I don't see the other person responsible for the cheating. Where in my post do I say that cheaters are a rapists?

 

You compared people who sleep with other people's spouses to guns, which are inanimate objects. Inanimate objects have no control over their actions, they are fully manipulated by the person using them.

 

'Others' (people who sleep with married people) are fully in control of and responsible for their actions unless they are being physically forced to have sex, hence the rape comparison.

 

It takes two people to have an affair. If others didn't agree to sleep with married people then there would be no affair. That makes them partially responsible.

[Arieswoman]

Liam1

 

The bottom line is unless the spouse is a psychopath, there is always a reason why the person is looking to go outside their marriage.

 

Agreed.

 

It's either physical neglect or emotional neglect by a spouse who refuses to acknowledge their own faults or refuses to face them by seeking counseling.

 

That's a load of old shoemakers and an attempt to pin the WS's decision to cheat on the BS

 

There are other responses to marital problems other than cheating.

 

If you are with someone who neglects you physically or emotionally so much that you are desperately miserable, and they refuse to acknowlege their part in that, why stay and cheat? Why not just go and find someone else who fulfills your needs better?

 

People choose to cheat because they want to.

[AlwaysGrowing]

An unfaithful spouse is 100% responsible for the hurt they cause. An affair partner is 100% responsible for the hurt they choose to cause.

 

An affair partner is not an instrument. They are a person with free will. They chose to be the affair partner. It is not a case if not me then someone else.....the affair partner chose it to be them. They chose for it to them.....they also chose everything else that goes along with it. That is how life works. You chose the act....you chose the consequence. Very basic stuff.

[Arieswoman]

An unfaithful spouse is 100% responsible for the hurt they cause. An affair partner is 100% responsible for the hurt they choose to cause.

 

An affair partner is not an instrument. They are a person with free will. They chose to be the affair partner. It is not a case if not me then someone else.....the affair partner chose it to be them. They chose for it to them.....they also chose everything else that goes along with it. That is how life works. You chose the act....you chose the consequence. Very basic stuff.

 

Spot on.

[sweet_pea]

An unfaithful spouse is 100% responsible for the hurt they cause. An affair partner is 100% responsible for the hurt they choose to cause.

 

RIGHT?! Is it really that hard to understand? LOL. I mean, we are adults. We are 100% responsible for everything we do. It's so funny-- I've never seen a group of adults so ready to assign the blame for their own actions to everyone and everything but themselves until I encountered the unfortunate world of infidelity.