elaine567 Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 What do you think? Is it inappropriate for me to go? Where does your loyalty lie? With your long term friend or with your gf. Most people's loyalty lies with the person they are dating. I see your gfs POV here. If you choose this girl who is hostile to your gf over your own gf then what message does that send to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) My friend is not hostile towards my gf at all. She didn't say anything mean or judgemental to her anything. My friend is always nice to my gf and invites both of us out all the time. I asked her for her opinion on the matter, and she said that my gf was being manipulative. But she still wasn't hostile towards her or anything. The majority opinion on here is that my gf was being manipulative, so if a friend says that about her as well, does that mean i should boycott a friend, after asking for her honest opinion on the matter? But if I ask a friend to give an honest opinion, does that mean I have to pick a side? Why can't my gf be okay with me keeping a friend, after the friend gave an opinion, which is what I asked for? Especially if my friend is nice to my gf and always invites both of us out? Edited June 25, 2016 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 Look if you think she is manipulative then break up with her, don't torture her by going to see a female friend who she thinks has feelings for you and hates her too. I must have missed the bit where you took back her ring and got a refund, why did you do that? Your gf must be feeling really good now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 This woman won't stop manipulating you. She's manipulating you into feeling terrible when you try to make a sane decision concerning your mutual welfare for the rest of your lives. She clearly doesn't want a sane result - I would sincerely question her motives if this kind of manipulation flares up every time you simply *discuss* having a prenup with others. Why does she seem so frightened? If this marriage were about "love," she would be interested in "compromise" and "your happiness." I don't see anything motivated by love for you or building a future together by her actions. I see manipulation rooted in terror over not being able to sink her teeth into every last cent of your hard-earned money. At this point, it's pretty clear she won't ever let you get a prenup to be with her. It's pretty ridiculous. Don't sign one. And also, don't marry her. This is red flag city and she's not stopping any time soon. Do not accept any of the blame she tries to put on your shoulders when pushing for a rational discussion about what you have worked for in life. Returning the ring was an assertion of your boundaries. Stick to it. Own it. Do NOT back down and do NOT let her make you feel bad. No one will stick up for you if you don't stick up for yourself. She is an adult. she is responsible for her behavior 100% of the time. Anytime she tries to tell you you're responsible for her behavior... that's manipulation. Shut it down. Nothing you did is the "cause" of her attitude, including going to a lawyer. SHE simply has an attitude. She is a conscious adult capable of conscious decisions and she consciously chooses to have an attitude with you when she doesn't get her way. And by her way, I mean unlimited access to all of your funds with zero respect or regard for you. That's what she's saying. It's not like you wouldn't share when you're married. It's like she specifically wants you to have no say. Think about that... And any time you speak up, she tries to make you feel like the bad guy. Over and over... I returned the ring for the same reason that Blackcat777 said. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 I returned the ring for the same reason that Blackcat777 said. OK so this relationship is effectively going nowhere so why don't you break up with her? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 Why are you still with this woman when you returned the ring? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 26, 2016 Author Share Posted June 26, 2016 Well I told her that we cannot get married until we work on some of our problems, and asked her if she was okay with that. She said she was and will work on them and go to a counselor. So we agreed to do that so far. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Well I told her that we cannot get married until we work on some of our problems, and asked her if she was okay with that. She said she was and will work on them and go to a counselor. So we agreed to do that so far. She also needs individual counseling in order to address her manipulative side as well as her immaturity. I don't understand why your girlfriend is agreeing to counseling now. I thought she was totally against it. Why you are so desperate to hold on to a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationship is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 Well I talked to my best friend about it and he said that I am treating her bad and he thinks that I exagerated the whole situation. So I am conflicted and wanted to work things out. Plus I said before on here that I was going to go to counseling with her, if she agreed, and now she does, so I thought I would stick to that previous statement. But I feel if she continues to have a problem with me going on the trip, I will end it more likely. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 You have been waffling back and forth about this relationship for over three months. This has become nothing other than a "my friend said this" which makes me question everything or "my GF said this," what should I do now? Seriously: Are you capable of making a decision - and sticking to it - based on your own feelings without 32-pages of discussion or outside input? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Well I talked to my best friend about it and he said that I am treating her bad and he thinks that I exagerated the whole situation. So I am conflicted and wanted to work things out. Plus I said before on here that I was going to go to counseling with her, if she agreed, and now she does, so I thought I would stick to that previous statement. But I feel if she continues to have a problem with me going on the trip, I will end it more likely. What's with the constant back and forth based on what others say? Part of being an adult is making decisions and sticking to them regardless of the opinions of others. So think about what YOU want instead of riding a merry go round of hemming and hawing. I have to say that needing approval from friends, family and a girlfriend who only cares about your wallet makes you seem insecure and weak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Yes I can make the decision for myself and try not to care about other people's concerns about the situation. I already took the ring back. She said that she is now wanting to go to counseling to work on it, but not sure if it's worth it now. I discussed the issue also with a close female friend of mine, cause I felt like getting a woman's perspective from a woman I know. Basically I told her how it all started when I went to see a lawyer behind my girlfriend's back. When my gf found out, she got really mad about me discussing with her, and said that it's completely inappropriate to discuss these matters with a woman friend, and that I should have went to a guy friend to talk about it instead. She said it's inappropriate cause my female friend has feelings for me. I never thought she did at all, but okay... My gf then went and told a guy friend of mine about what happened. Later that guy friend met me to hang out, but gave me a lecture about how I my gf has been telling her that I am not being providing and supporting enough to her, and how it's a d$%k move tell a female friend about it, who I apparently didn't know may have feelings for me, compared to telling a guy friend. He said it with a tough love attitude, and it felt like a weird intervention coming from him. Is she manipulating me by telling him as well or was me telling my female friend of five years a d$%k move on my part? Now my gf wants me to tell my friend the truth about how I went to see the lawyer behind her back, and it's my fault that it caused a lot of issues to come out of it. But my friends told me that I should have told her I was going to see one and that was bad of me. Do you think it was bad of me to go behind her back on that, and that I should tell my friend that it was my fault cause I was dishonest? Edited June 28, 2016 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Yes I can make the decision for myself and try not to care about other people's concerns about the situation. I already took the ring back. She said that she is now wanting to go to counseling to work on it, but not sure if it's worth it now. I discussed the issue also with a close female friend of mine, cause I felt like getting a woman's perspective from a woman I know. Basically I told her how it all started when I went to see a lawyer behind my girlfriend's back. When my gf found out, she got really mad about me discussing with her, and said that it's completely inappropriate to discuss these matters with a woman friend, and that I should have went to a guy friend to talk about it instead. She said it's inappropriate cause my female friend has feelings for me. I never thought she did at all, but okay... My gf then went and told a guy friend of mine about what happened. Later that guy friend met me to hang out, but gave me a lecture about how I my gf has been telling her that I am not being providing and supporting enough to her, and how it's a d$%k move tell a female friend about it, who I apparently didn't know may have feelings for me, compared to telling a guy friend. He said it with a tough love attitude, and it felt like a weird intervention coming from him. Is she manipulating me by telling him as well or was me telling my female friend of five years a d$%k move on my part? Now my gf wants me to tell my friend the truth about how I went to see the lawyer behind her back, and it's my fault that it caused a lot of issues to come out of it. But my friends told me that I should have told her I was going to see one and that was bad of me. Do you think it was bad of me to go behind her back on that, and that I should tell my friend that it was my fault cause I was dishonest? :eek: You know what? I'm quite finished with this thread. Answering your endless questions is futile. You're just going to keep responding with repetitive queries based on your girlfriend's manipulation du jour. Best of luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 So why on earth is it ok for her to involve every man and his dog in your relationship but you can't confide in a friend? Why is it ok for her to threaten and manipulate you? She's a liar: She wanted kids but apparently as soon as there wasn't a pay-off for them she was no longer interested. Suicidal thoughts seemed to disappear when rings and venues appeared too I notice. My question really is this: she hates you mate, like I think she really truly hates you. She seems miserable, angry and won't do a damn thing to ensure she might get the tiniest sliver of happiness out of being with you. It's not why do you want to marry her, why does she want to marry YOU?! I think we know the an$wer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted June 30, 2016 Author Share Posted June 30, 2016 (edited) Okay then. I don't mean to go on and on, it's just hard on me, that's all. I am trying to go to counseling with her like it was suggested before and I was trying to discover more in the relationship. She says that the distinction with this friend is, is because I went on a couple of dates with her, back when I met up 8 years ago, before we decided to be just friends. *But the dates went crappy and we were better off as friends, so we have been friends for the past 8 years nothing more. And my other friend also told me that it's not cool to confide in someone who I went on a couple of dates with in the past, even if it was 8 years ago. *So when my other friend sides with my gf on it, does my gf have a legitimate point then? And the whole thing doesn't make sense to me. If she hates me, why does she want to marry me? If she is about money, then why does she pay her own way a lot and not ask me for much? It's not that I don't believe what people on here are saying, I am just trying to ascertain why. We haven't had sex in a long while because I have been refraining from it, as I thought it might be a good idea, or I just wasn't much in the mood, if she has problems with me. She said to me today that she didn't like me using condoms in the past and that I am too self conscious all the time, and it's a major turn off. Like for example, a couple of times the condom broke, and I stopped to get another one. She said it comes off like I am getting ready for surgery and because of that, she has faked it a lot with me over the three years we have been dating. I also find this to be contradictory, cause a lot of the time she is one who initiated sex. Even now when I am not in the mood, she wants it. She said it's cause we both have needs and all, and that she is satisfied orgasmic-wise, about half the time, but the other time, she is turned off cause I am too paranoid of getting her pregnant she says, so she faked it the other half kind of she says. She did not tell me this in a rude way. She was ashamed to talk about it when bringing it up, and was apologetic for it. What do you think of this, out of curiosity? Do I sound too paranoid or too much like getting ready for surgery? Edited June 30, 2016 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 Assuming she isn't on another form of BC, she probably wants to get pregnant so you won't be able to end the relationship. Only a fool would take chances with contraception. Make sure you examine the condoms for pinpricks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted July 8, 2016 Author Share Posted July 8, 2016 Well I guess the reason why I am having a hard time dealing with this, is I am just upset. The love of my life and I were close to getting married after over three years of dating, and then this all happens... and I cannot just walk away quickly from it, for some reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 In a way these threads can be a space for you to hem and haw, show your thoughts, listen to others' reactions... When you can't realistically do that face to face with involved people in your life. I can see you're struggling. You might be having some anxiety. Anxiety is really just a maladaptive coping mechanism. It's when you try to avoid perceived problems or pain, rather than just making the smartest decisions you can and knowing you can deal with pain or regular problems. I think this is an unworkable situation for you. Your GF is quick to make assumptions and there is no trust. Now it's time to emotionally writhe and reel from disappointment. Which is normal (because you had real hopes) and which will pass (because this is a situation you can break away from) and which will not be as agonizing as you think. At least that's how it looks from here, not knowing you two but reading the information you give. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 Okay thanks. Are you saying that she is not trustworthy, or I am, or we are both not? Well my gf told me she was doing a lot of thinking and she said that she has been too hard on me, and now she is willing to sign the prenup, and she says she wants to now. She says she loves me and wants to prove it to me. So if she wants me for my money like people on here have said, than why does she seem to have a change of heart now? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 So if she wants me for my money like people on here have said, than why does she seem to have a change of heart now? Most of us here haven't said she is after you for your money as much as she was manipulative and vindictive. We can't know why she has had a change of heart. But if she in fact HAS had a change of heart, then just make sure you *both* have good lawyers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 Okay thanks. I looked through the messages again, and that's true, only a few have said it. But some people have said that there are other problems here other than the prenup. She seems to have really come around and willing to sign one, which is what I wanted, but... If there are other problems, and that's true, than I am worried possibly. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 If there are other problems, and that's true, than I am worried possibly. As well you should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Okay thanks. I didn't say that I was being unfair to the other person completely though did I? I am open to coming up with some sort of an arrangement where she would get something, but she doesn't even want to talk about it it seems. She says I am too 'American', and wishes American men would be more European, and more romantic therefore. In most of the countries in continental Europe, a spouse would have no chance to the assets accumulated/inherited before getting married. I highly doubt that's what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 OP - I've been reading and occasionally posting on your thread. I don't necessarily think your GF is only after money though I do believe you have every right to protect what you're bringing into the marriage via a prenup. What does concern me is that it seems you two don't have great fighting skills. Things like throwing up, suicide, getting others involved to put pressure, etc. are not the way to maturely solve problems. In marriage, you two will need to be on the same team and problem solve together. Help each other. Have each other's backs. My BTDT experience is that couples who do not have these skills are the ones who either live in unhappy marriages or file for divorce. At the very least I would be hesitant on going forward with marriage until you two learn better problem solving skills and can do them even when upset. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted July 12, 2016 Author Share Posted July 12, 2016 Okay thanks. Did I say something about suicide before? I do not remember us having any suicide problems. Link to post Share on other sites
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