WasOtherWoman Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 One of the few good things to come out of MC with my ex was hearing the therapist say we'd have to pick our battles more carefully going forward since each argument would start with substantial baggage. In other words, we wouldn't have any little fights, only big ones. It helped me understand the happiness to be found in letting many things go, much less sweating the small stuff. Only you can decide if a smiley face emoticon falls into that category ... Mr. Lucky I think those words are necessary for any marriage... regardless of whether there has been infidelities. My motto is always "pick your battles" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 18, 2016 Author Share Posted February 18, 2016 I have a rather large scar from a cancer surgery. I will always be a cancer survivor. But I don't always notice the scar when I undress. I don't cringe every time a walk for life commercial comes on. If I have pain in that area of my body, I do not go to Google to try to figure out if it means the cancer is back (I have regular check ups for that). If I were in a cancer support group meeting, of course I would talk about my cancer. But in everyday life, I do not talk about it because it is part of the past. I guess maybe forums are the same. Maybe people who identify almost exclusively as FWS or BS on forums do not do that in every day life and in every day of their marital relationships. A forum probably isn't a true representation of what people spend the majority of their everyday time thinking about. Technically I am "in remission." That is a little different from "cured." However, I do not have cancer today, so I do not choose to think about the "it will always be there" side of in remission. Because that WILL keep me from moving forward. I consider myself in remission as well. I think everyone here probably has a pretty big life outside of the infidelity that occurred in the life. I know I do. In my marital life I'll take care of my side of the bed, because I didn't before, not even before I had an affair. So, this change occurred because of my affair, when I had to really sit down and think about the kind of person I wanted to be - intentional. And living my values intentionally, of which I don't always succeed but I do try my best. I do not talk about it in everyday life either. Hubby and I watched OITNB and that has rampant cheating in it and neither of us flinched. I thought about if HE was uncomfortable but I certainly wasn't. I consider this my support group. Only people here understand. I think that if something feels itchy you should check it out, as I do in my marriage, by talking about things. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 Many of us come to forums....for different reasons. I come here to learn....I come here to share...and I come here to support. I do not discuss my infidelity outside of loveshack...except with my husband. Loveshack is not my "real" life. I go to work....I take care of my house..... I pay the bills... I do the shopping...I love my husband and my family. Infidelity is not on my mind 24/7. I know the scar is there....much like your scar....I don't dwell on it. But I also do not live in denial and pretend the scar is gone and the cancer never happened....I am well aware of the symptoms of infidelity....and do my best to keep the cancer from coming back. I know how it feels to betray....I know how it feels to be betrayed.... Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 There is a segment of Christianity that practices something called flagellation. The person practicing this makes certain that they never forget their sin or how sinful they are. They do this by beating themselves and making sure the marks never completely heal. Most of the time, they think that this makes them holier. Sometimes I read on forums and I wonder if there are people who really do believe they MUST remind themselves of their failings in order to be "okay." And often I wonder where they heard such a thing. And it makes me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Life, in general leaves scars. If it was not infidelity, it could be something else. Having been trough betrayal, and then her over spending us to all most bankruptcy, both leave a large traces. I know other family members, that have struggled with drug and alcohol abuse, each have a scar. So, how you over come these scars is the question. What can I do not to let these past bad happening stop me from leading the life I want, or being happy with where I am right now. Katielee, we must learn and work to find out what is the answer for our self's and our loved ones. My wife and I, tend to structure our life's, so the bad things, and hard things are addressed and not left to fester, but leave the vast majority of time available for fun and happiness. What will work for you? Do not know, but if something is working, or you think it may work, let us know. I may want to copy what you are doing. You will need to talk. You will need to "fight". You will need to let it go sometimes. You will need to keep it sometimes. In the end, the best you can do is to remember, why you love your husband, and not let the rest get between you and him. As always, I wish you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Katielee...you are right We should be able to discuss anything with our spouse....ANYTHING.... and the reaction should not be anger. I know that this is an area that the two of you struggle in....but i also was very impressed that this week you did make progress. Baby steps...one day at a time love. I don't agree with this. There are things my spouse does that make me angry, and I tell him so, but am careful in how I do it. I don't tell him he's a huge azzhat for doing something that made me angry, but rather I tell him it made me angry and why. If I don't know why it made me angry, I tell him that and we talk about it. sometimes it turns out I had no reason to be upset, and other times I do. The feeling is not the problem, it how one deals with it that is.If I denied myself these feelings, resentment will build and the feelings fester. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I don't think that was what soleil was saying. I think the point was to start looking at every day as a new start - there's that elusive happiness - instead of X days past affair. Stop letting the cheating define you, so that you can reach for days when it doesn't come up, and then weeks, and then months... This is excellent advice. I remember being in a similar place to the op and i just kept thinking to myself that one day, this pain/sadness/anger will be all gone, and I just have to get to that day. I realized one day how much time had gone by, and that I had missed out on a lot of the little things that can make you realize just how far one has come. Best to take the days one at a time, and look for the good that happened in each one of them, even if it's just a small act of kindness or love, it all counts. One day, you'll realize you are at the top of the mountain you thought would take forever to climb, and the trip up will have been a lot less steep. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Do you think women carry more scars than men? H says its guilt & more guilt but that's not the same. I feel like I wear the scars but I don't know what I did to get them. Same here. Due to a lot of things, people tell me how "tough" I am and they don't know ow I make it through. I am not tough. I am just good at putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going. Sometimes I fee like I lose out on something by doing that, but I'm not really sure what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I have a rather large scar from a cancer surgery. I will always be a cancer survivor. But I don't always notice the scar when I undress. I don't cringe every time a walk for life commercial comes on. If I have pain in that area of my body, I do not go to Google to try to figure out if it means the cancer is back (I have regular check ups for that). If I were in a cancer support group meeting, of course I would talk about my cancer. But in everyday life, I do not talk about it because it is part of the past. I guess maybe forums are the same. Maybe people who identify almost exclusively as FWS or BS on forums do not do that in every day life and in every day of their marital relationships. A forum probably isn't a true representation of what people spend the majority of their everyday time thinking about. Technically I am "in remission." That is a little different from "cured." However, I do not have cancer today, so I do not choose to think about the "it will always be there" side of in remission. Because that WILL keep me from moving forward. My mother had cancer, and like you, was in remission. ( she passed away a few years ago due to something else). She told em once the cancer changed her. She had always been a planner, thrifty and careful. She told me that fighting the illness and coming out the other side taught her to take each day as it came but also to allow herself to enjoy many good things life had to offer.She and my dad traveled the world together in their 70's- their travel photos are always of them traveling with much younger people, made upgrades to their home and had so much fun together. It was as if being so sick but fighting back put her into a place where she allowed herself to come first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 This is excellent advice. I remember being in a similar place to the op and i just kept thinking to myself that one day, this pain/sadness/anger will be all gone, and I just have to get to that day. I realized one day how much time had gone by, and that I had missed out on a lot of the little things that can make you realize just how far one has come. Best to take the days one at a time, and look for the good that happened in each one of them, even if it's just a small act of kindness or love, it all counts. One day, you'll realize you are at the top of the mountain you thought would take forever to climb, and the trip up will have been a lot less steep. oh I do this.... I just am frustrated with the time it's taking to climb the mountain... Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 My mother had cancer, and like you, was in remission. ( she passed away a few years ago due to something else). She told em once the cancer changed her. She had always been a planner, thrifty and careful. She told me that fighting the illness and coming out the other side taught her to take each day as it came but also to allow herself to enjoy many good things life had to offer.She and my dad traveled the world together in their 70's- their travel photos are always of them traveling with much younger people, made upgrades to their home and had so much fun together. It was as if being so sick but fighting back put her into a place where she allowed herself to come first. Here is what I do that I think absolutely applies to many situations including the aftermath of affairs (especially years out): 1. I do not refer to my life as "before cancer" and "after cancer," as if my life is and will always be "less" not due to cancer 2. I do not ask why I had cancer, why it took so long to find it, why this or that treatment when a particular way, why this made me sick but that didn't 3. I do not dwell on or purposely recall to mind who did or did not act this or that way on a particular day while I had cancer. It was hard on everyone. No one handles it alike. I do not have a time machine 4. I strive to be healthy and have healthy habits and stick to doctors orders. BUT my primary motivation for doing it is NOT out of some fear that I am now cancer tainted and might get it again. I do it because that it what healthy people do. How does this analogy apply? Take out cancer and insert any difficult situation that happened in the past, and it works Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I have been climbing the mountain 33 years....i will be climbing it until i die....but its ok...we climb it hand and hand together. when i get tired he helps me and when he gets tired I help him. The closer we get to the top...the view gets better and better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 To be happier, practice more deliberate gratitude. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 To be happier, practice more deliberate gratitude. I like this very much! and I try my best to do this. I find when i show gratitude....it makes me a happier person...because i made someone else happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 Here is what I do that I think absolutely applies to many situations including the aftermath of affairs (especially years out): 1. I do not refer to my life as "before cancer" and "after cancer," as if my life is and will always be "less" not due to cancer 2. I do not ask why I had cancer, why it took so long to find it, why this or that treatment when a particular way, why this made me sick but that didn't 3. I do not dwell on or purposely recall to mind who did or did not act this or that way on a particular day while I had cancer. It was hard on everyone. No one handles it alike. I do not have a time machine 4. I strive to be healthy and have healthy habits and stick to doctors orders. BUT my primary motivation for doing it is NOT out of some fear that I am now cancer tainted and might get it again. I do it because that it what healthy people do. How does this analogy apply? Take out cancer and insert any difficult situation that happened in the past, and it works I dunno about this. There is the betrayal aspect about infidelity that doesn't really apply to cancer. Getting cancer is bad luck, whereas betrayal is something that doesn't have to happen. I definitely relate to #4. I wasn't a healthy mature adult. My goal was to define and live that way. Because that's what adults do... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I agree Katielee. Fate...accidents...illness....these things are not controlled My granddaughter died....this was a result of nature...not a result of choice Infidelity...is a choice made....i had complete and utter control of my actions. Cancer is not a choice...infidelity is....and for those of us who made the choice to cheat....we must make a conscience decision everyday to keep our boundaries in check... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soleilesquire Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Maybe it's my biblical upbringing, but I don't see wearing the A as something that is healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Hi Katie, happiness I guess is a state of mind. You cannot acquire it by doing external things. Money, which you mentionrd, will not bring you happiness and when I say money I mean the things that money can buy or enable you to do. Both of you have to look internally. I have heard that meditation is a good way of looking inward and understanding yourself. Try it but first find some one who can teach you or guide you in proper meditation techniques. May be prayer will also help you but you have to be spiritually inclined for that. I hope you can find a way to make both of you happy but remember material and physical things while contributing will by themselves never be enough to help you find the holy grail of happiness. Hope this helps. Warm wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 Maybe it's my biblical upbringing, but I don't see wearing the A as something that is healthy. I don't think anyone here "wears" their affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Maybe it's my biblical upbringing, but I don't see wearing the A as something that is healthy. I don't wear a scarlet letter.....no one knows what i did .....and my husband treats me like a queen. I appreciate your concern I really do.....but I know what I must do to make my husband feel safe....I know what i must do to keep my boundaries. That's what this is about. Not punishment...as you seem to conceive. I am happy to do that for him....for myself....for our relationship. You know...last night we were talking about us. We were married 11 years when i cheated. For those 11 years... I made him feel safe. He was convinced that I thought the sun and moon rose in him....because I did.....and then I pulled the rug out from under him. I have worked 33 years to make him feel safe again.....and he does....but there will forever be that little nagging fear that says...but i felt safe before. It isn't a consuming fear....it isn't something he thinks about everyday.... I would guess it is like having cancer....you are in remission....you are happy...you feel great....and you relax about your health...however there is that little something that says...it could return. I would ask....are you a BS or a WS? Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Maybe it's my biblical upbringing, but I don't see wearing the A as something that is healthy. In the case of the bs at least, the A is something that happened both to them and around them, not because of them. I could not control what my ws did or didn't d nor could I control what his choices post A were. I had to accept that i could only control myself. There was nothing I could say or do that could make him choose a certain way of behaving. Of course we talk, but other than that, he makes his choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 he is going to a business event where either OW might be. I have PT conferences and can't go until later. But, I am fine with this. As long as he has a stiff drink waiting for me when I get there. A year ago I would have been worried and he wouldn't have gone. We'll leave if they're there but that is ok too. He wants an excuse to leave early. He also has an overnighter planned with his friend to watch a track meet and I'm ok with this too. I have plans with friends and hubby and friend are staying overnight at our DD's house. He has been extra loving to me. I have been extra trusting of him. the ice is off the lake and we're going there next weekend. We bought a boat! these types of things have helped us a lot. the plans for the future. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Does he really have to go to this business event? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Does he really have to go to this business event? no. but I said to go ahead. he said he wouldn't go if I couldn't and I said I'll come later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 he is going to a business event where either OW might be. I have PT conferences and can't go until later. But, I am fine with this. As long as he has a stiff drink waiting for me when I get there. A year ago I would have been worried and he wouldn't have gone. We'll leave if they're there but that is ok too. He wants an excuse to leave early. He also has an overnighter planned with his friend to watch a track meet and I'm ok with this too. I have plans with friends and hubby and friend are staying overnight at our DD's house. He has been extra loving to me. I have been extra trusting of him. the ice is off the lake and we're going there next weekend. We bought a boat! these types of things have helped us a lot. the plans for the future. Well hot damn girl you sound like you have got this! Nice update and glad you are making future plans together and it is helping you both! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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