So humiliated over begging texts

[stillafool]

After 5 months I should of forgotten about him and be ok ? After looking at. House together a 2 year relationship future plans of marriage and me pregnant to him. And our children been so involved

 

I can't just Erase all of that from my heart and mind

 

Wow I wish I was as hard as you!

 

You keep bringing up the above as if you two are the only people who have ever had that. Some people have been married for 10 yrs., own kids and property together, divorce and move on. You are the only one stuck in this situation. You ex is way over you and you need to do the same or you are going to be a pinning old lady. Move on already! He is gone.

[keiji]

I don't mean to be harsh, and we all make mistakes, but today you're hurting again for your bad decisions. I'm sure deep down you were expecting something by sending him those messages, something that hasn't happened in five months and will probably never happen. It's like eating mushrooms when you know you're allergic and you'll end up in hospital.

[Rachel39]

I honestly know we are over and will not be getting back together.

 

I would rather he was just up front with me and tell me that he didn't want any contact or for me to not message him.

 

I didn't think when you were our age you behaved in this way, he did say we would still talk and that was not me asking him so I hadn't messaged him in over a month.

 

I honestly maybe think a little differently than others as I really didint see anything wrong in just dropping some one a text.

 

I'm a very honest person and if it was me I would of just said I think it's best you don't text me anymore or we have any contact. it's that simple.

 

To me someone who behaves in this way is actually a coward ! Something I'm not. I guess had I not of been pregnant to him I probably wouldn't feel so strongly about all of this and wouldn't of made this break up so hard.

 

It's by far the hardest one for me and can only put it to this I think !

[keiji]

He certainly knows you're not over him and having contact will mean trouble, that's all. You're honest, and all the better for it, but the only thing that you've accomplished by contacting him so far has only been an excruciating pain. Knowing that you're over doesn't mean you don't have hope yet, and that's exactly what you have to lose now. Otherwise, you'll keep clinging to the tiniest odd and message him when you feel you can't stand the silence anymore.

[Rachel39]

You keep bringing up the above as if you two are the only people who have ever had that. Some people have been married for 10 yrs., own kids and property together, divorce and move on. You are the only one stuck in this situation. You ex is way over you and you need to do the same or you are going to be a pinning old lady. Move on already! He is gone.

 

 

I know I was one of thoses lady's with my sons dad 16 years we had a home car and the house I left with nothing completely rebuilt my life so yes I know exactly how that feels.

 

I will never be a pinning old lady just struggling with a recent break up. If he's way over me then so he is, doesn't mean I should be him just shows the difference in people that's all, this is my journey and it will take me how ever long to go through it

[keiji]

It doesn't mean you must be him for sure, but not acting like he does, i.e, going no contact, is only deepening your pain and slowing your recovery. So perhaps it's about time you stop thinking about his behavior and start concentrating on yours.

[Rachel39]

I do probably give it more thinking time that it needs, I never think about where he is or who he is with and what he's doing ect,

 

it's more how ignorant and rude he is and I'm also envious that he's so strong and is able to have no contact with me at all and is able to get on with his life as if I never existed.

 

That's probably that I had no real importance to his life whilst we were together.and probably wanted out a long time ago!

 

It's not important anymore it's done !

[BC1980]

I honestly know we are over and will not be getting back together.

 

I would rather he was just up front with me and tell me that he didn't want any contact or for me to not message him.

 

I didn't think when you were our age you behaved in this way, he did say we would still talk and that was not me asking him so I hadn't messaged him in over a month.

 

I honestly maybe think a little differently than others as I really didint see anything wrong in just dropping some one a text.

I'm a very honest person and if it was me I would of just said I think it's best you don't text me anymore or we have any contact. it's that simple.

 

To me someone who behaves in this way is actually a coward ! Something I'm not. I guess had I not of been pregnant to him I probably wouldn't feel so strongly about all of this and wouldn't of made this break up so hard.

 

It's by far the hardest one for me and can only put it to this I think !

 

If an unanswered text is causing this much anguish, then, yes, there is something wrong with dropping a text every now and then. If you get this upset because there is no response, there is something wrong with texting him. You sent him a text because you wanted validation from him. You want to get back together with him. I'm sure whatever favor you asked of him was not necessary, or it didn't need to involve him.

 

He told you that you would still talk, but that is just something people say to soften the blow. People say that all the time when they dump someone. It means nothing. When you break, you sever that relationship for good. He probably didn't answer you because he knows you are too emotional to handle any contact with him, and he is correct in that assumption. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you in some capacity or care for your well being, but he knows that contact between the two of you is not good right now.

 

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I really am because I get it. I was rereading one of my breakup threads a few months ago, and I forgot that I had called my ex after a few months of NC. So we all make mistakes, but lean from them. You touched the stove, and you found out it was too hot. You think a text is nothing, but I'm telling you that any contact is a heck of a lot of something that you don't want to mess with until you are indifferent.

[BC1980]

After 5 months I should of forgotten about him and be ok ? After looking at. House together a 2 year relationship future plans of marriage and me pregnant to him. And our children been so involved

 

I can't just Erase all of that from my heart and mind

 

Wow I wish I was as hard as you!

 

People heal at different paces. It took me 2 years of NC to reach indifference and forgiveness. I'd have occasional setbacks, and I'd have times when I made a lot of progress. When you break NC, you impede your progress. You keep circling back to the thing that is causing you pain because you think it won't cause you pain this time. When you get the urge to contact him, you work though that. Come here and post. We will talk you out of it. You have to use your head until your heart gets on board with it.

[Souldier1234]

A member called Buddhist advised this girl about her situation and I sense that if Racheal39 can read the bellow questions and answers, she will understand what everyone has been saying to her for 14 pages of this thread. Please find healing Dear One and let this thread not reach page 100....lol

 

 

Question: Originally Posted by toastytiger

But sometimes, it just feels unbearable. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or if anyone has gone through something similar and have seen through it. What is your story? How long did it take you to finally move on? What helped and what didn't? What did you learn?

 

Answer: Originally Posted by Buddhist

Yes I've been through something similar. I won't bother with the story but it was similar. It took me 4yrs to move on....I'm rather tenacious that way.

 

What helped - actually feeling my feelings instead of explaining them away in my head or settling for feeling justified for ending it etc. I didn't actually stop thinking about him as my BF until I felt all those icky feelings including the rage, grief, shame etc. That took a good long while.

 

What didn't - see above. Explaining my feelings away, feeling justified and righteous, focusing on finding someone else, distracting myself with other things. Sometimes you just can't move on until you sit in that discomfort for as long as it takes.

 

What I learnt - that the uncomfortable moments in life exist for a reason. They are our way of properly processing trauma. Trying to short circuit it in any way just leads to you dragging it behind you as baggage. There is no revenge that is anywhere near as effective as accepting the situation and feeling it. I also received the epiphany as to why this pattern seems to be permanent in my life and it lead me to discovering a way to change that. It was not without it's silver lining.

 

Question: Originally Posted by toastytiger

What is the pattern in your life that you're talking about? If you don't mind sharing And what was the epiphany that led to the silver lining?

 

Answer: Originally Posted by Buddhist

That no matter who I dated, when or how the relationship went. I always ended up feeling and experiencing a lack of love from others. None of the well meaning advice out there changed this experience. I never went looking for relationships, I was always single for years in-between them. I worked on myself in the meantime. But I kept dating men who were......the same. Narcissistic and emotionally absent enabling them to do things like trash a relationship in an instant with a totally self centred action and feel zero remorse about it.

 

The epiphany is with the last one, I actually connected the dots. I literally woke up on day and realised he was the same person in a different skin. I then knew what the root cause of my problem was. When we have a wound like that we intuitively attempt to heal it, by choosing people who re-open the wound. Until we heal it, we will forever be attracted to the thing that hurts us most.

[Weathersf1]

I do probably give it more thinking time that it needs, I never think about where he is or who he is with and what he's doing ect,

 

it's more how ignorant and rude he is and I'm also envious that he's so strong and is able to have no contact with me at all and is able to get on with his life as if I never existed.

 

That's probably that I had no real importance to his life whilst we were together.and probably wanted out a long time ago!

 

It's not important anymore it's done !

 

For some reason, this is turning out to be a tough weekend for me as well. I have been broken up for 5 months with NC as well. Just can't stop thinking about her for the last couple of days. Went to a spot to get dinner and drinks last night that I used to frequent with her. Waited 5 months to go cause I didnt want to be upset.

 

On the way back started crying like a b**ch cause how could she leave me. I miss her so much. Woke up this morning believing, that wasn't me, that was the alcohol. The other happy couples in that place didn't help my mindset either.

 

Avoiding temptation is easier than resisting it. Lesson learned. Not going there or any place with strong ties to her anymore. Not drinking anymore either. All I do is beat myself for not being a better boyfriend when I drink. And I don't need that.

 

We all do what we can, no one chooses to be miserable. Our emotional brain doesnt always follow our logical brain.

 

So give Rachel a break. Her being upset is a sign of her commitment and love. If only my ex had that level of commitment.

 

Hang in there Rachel. One day at a time.

[FTM042014]

I do probably give it more thinking time that it needs, I never think about where he is or who he is with and what he's doing ect,

 

it's more how ignorant and rude he is and I'm also envious that he's so strong and is able to have no contact with me at all and is able to get on with his life as if I never existed.

 

That's probably that I had no real importance to his life whilst we were together.and probably wanted out a long time ago!

 

It's not important anymore it's done !

 

I haven't read every post in this thread but I see that some people are being quite harsh to you. There is no timeframe for grieving the loss of a love. No one has the right to tell you how long it should take because THEY ARE NOT YOU AND THEY DO NOT FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. What I do agree with is sticking with no contact. My ex dumped me last May and by August had a bf that she's still with almost a year later. It took me until February 18th of this year to stop contacting her. I could not let go. I could not control the urge and compulsion to reach out. And every single time I did I felt worse. It has been about 3.5 months now since contact and I am much better for it.

 

It is impossible to feel better if you are in contact. I will never use the phrase move on. It's all about feeling better. Feeling whole. Being at peace with yourself. Being single but not alone.

 

I know for a fact that I struggle with obsessing and ruminating. I was diagnosed with OCD so a lot of it I am predisposed to. Your ex and the need to contact them can mimic the traits of an addiction. There is a really good site called Exaholics. Check it out sometime. It's helped me tremendously.

 

You seem like a really kind, caring, loving person Rachel. I hope you know you deserve the same and he was not the person and is not capable of being the person who can return it.

[Rachel39]

I did feel some were a little harsh on me today, and was ready to ask for my post to be taken down. I still do in away.

 

I was told to keep posting here but then when I do and haven't done for a while I felt after some response Today I feel like I don't want to anymore.

 

I'm just some one who is struggling with loosing some one I thought I'd have a future with.

 

Thanks for your replies x

[BC1980]

I did feel some were a little harsh on me today, and was ready to ask for my post to be taken down. I still do in away.

 

I was told to keep posting here but then when I do and haven't done for a while I felt after some response Today I feel like I don't want to anymore.

 

I'm just some one who is struggling with loosing some one I thought I'd have a future with.

 

Thanks for your replies x

 

I don't agree that you should be over it, but I do think you should take responsibility for contacting him. It's hard to hear that though. It was hard for me to take responsibility for my part in my pain. I did a lot of things in the relationship and after the relationship that contributed to my situation. It's easy to want to play the victim, but, actually, you gain a lot of power by taking responsibility and learning from your mistakes. Experience is the best teacher. We can preach to you all day long and recount our mistakes, but, until you actually make a mistake and reap the consequences, you probably won't understand. I had to make the mistake of breaking NC to understand how important NC is. I had to make the mistake of staying in a relationship with a person who wasn't going to commit to me to actually understand the consequences of doing so. I would not take the advice given.

 

No one can tell you how you should feel. You can't control how you feel anyway. But you can control going NC and making a decision to stick to it and move on.

[Zahara]

I don't think after 5 months you'd be completely over it. Regardless of you breaking NC, I think 5 months is still a work in progress. I think everyone passes through grief and healing at their own pace and in their own time.

 

Contacting has caused you to fallback. It's a minor setback. It is not the end of the world. We've all in some way broken NC -- regardless of the reasons. You've hit the reset button BUT you're not back to square one, only that you've dug at your wound. But this time bouncing back won't be as hard as it was when you began NC.

 

You're feeling this way not because you're stagnating but only because you made a bad decision to contact him. It's going to cause bad emotions to resurface and it's going to hurt for awhile.

 

Don't feel worthless. Forget about FaKebook and who he keeps as friends and who he doesn't. That's just social media. In the grand scheme of things he doesn't have the qualities of a friend nor do you want someone like him in your life. Don't let that define your value. Only you have the power to do that.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Zahara

[Kelsy]

Dont worry Rachel. Healing takes time. I dont know how people can get over someone so fast I have struggled a way longer than you. There are some setbacks and better times. 5 months is not a long time and it may take like a year. Some days are awful but dont give up and fight for your happiness. I mean I have had days when I cry constantly and I am so hurt and angry but very soon there will more good days. Step by step. So you contacted him, so what? Atleast You were not rude or anything. He chose this negative way not to react. Maybe there are some hurtful feelings inside him and its the best way for him to cope with it.

I am so happy I finally got to the point where I am ready to meet new people. It is getting better when you meet someone else and you can see there really are cool people out there. We need to create new beautiful memories so the old ones dont hurt that much anymore.

 

7 Rules of Life

1) Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

2) What others think of you is none of your business.

3) Time heals almost everything, give it time.

4) Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

5) Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

6) No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.

7) Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world.

[Rachel39]

I take full responsibility in contacting him and I guess it was after speaking to people they said your only asking a favour of him...

 

It was to borrow a tent that we'd bought together. I wanted to take my son away for the summer camping that's all and I did just ask if I could borrow it as I'd wanted to take him away in August and just asked if he was ok.

 

It's good to hear others are not as fast to heal either...I was starting to worry about myself. I'm not at home sat crying, I am doing lots and I'm been very sociable and focusing on my career and have lots planned. I'm also trying to do as much as I can on my own to become strong and independent.

 

I miss him and his family and yes I would love us to be together but I also know that's isn't possible anymore. He's gone and doesn't want this.

 

Thanks xx

[keiji]

It was to borrow a tent that we'd bought together. I wanted to take my son away for the summer camping that's all and I did just ask if I could borrow it as I'd wanted to take him away in August and just asked if he was ok.

 

But Rachel, you must admit to yourself that this was just an excuse to contact him. It's May, you want to take your son away in AUGUST. I'm sure more people have a tent that they can lend you. Perhaps you can even buy a brand new or second-hand one yourself. As long as you find excuses to contact him, you'll be prolonging your pain. It's natural to long for your ex, I do, you do, and most LS members do as well, but you have to stop. It's unhealthy and it's a sign that you have a tiny bit of hope. It's when you lose hope that you really start the healing process. Otherwise, you'll keep clinging to an elusive ghost.

 

It's good to hear others are not as fast to heal either...I was starting to worry about myself. I'm not at home sat crying, I am doing lots and I'm been very sociable and focusing on my career and have lots planned. I'm also trying to do as much as I can on my own to become strong and independent.

 

I miss him and his family and yes I would love us to be together but I also know that's isn't possible anymore. He's gone and doesn't want this.

 

Thanks xx

 

Healing is slow. I'd worry if it was too fast. That could only mean two things: the relationship was meaningless or I'm kidding myself and the pain will resurface sooner or later. A guy that I consider extremely wise, a guy who's lived a lot, for good and bad, once told me: "If you ever see her and don't feel anything, it wasn't worth it". Maybe he's right, or maybe not, but it's natural that there are lingering feelings that you need to deal with. It's good that you're mourning your relationship instead of pretending you're OK, but you need to protect yourself. And protecting yourself in this case means strict no contact. No "happy birthday" messages, no favors asked, no nothing. It's all about you and your son. Look inside yourself, grab that tiny grain of hope that it's obviously still there, and throw it out the window.

Edited May 31, 2016 by keiji

[Rachel39]

If I don't contact him will that hope go away eventually ?

 

When Iv been in relationships before and it's ended I knew it was for the best even a 16yr one and I didn't have any hope I just knew I needed to get through it to be ok and move on.

 

This is so different for me Iv never felt this way before, Iv never still wanted to be with someone after its ended.... And defiantly not 5 months later. I would be well on my way to healing and been in a good place.

 

Do you just wake up and stop wanting them one day?

[keiji]

If I don't contact him will that hope go away eventually ?

 

When Iv been in relationships before and it's ended I knew it was for the best even a 16yr one and I didn't have any hope I just knew I needed to get through it to be ok and move on.

 

This is so different for me Iv never felt this way before, Iv never still wanted to be with someone after its ended.... And defiantly not 5 months later. I would be well on my way to healing and been in a good place.

 

Do you just wake up and stop wanting them one day?

 

Well, of course it doesn't work like that. It takes time and work, and that includes truly letting go. So yes, one day you'll realize that it's 11pm and he hasn't crossed your mind even a second. Then it will be a full day and then one day you won't even realize that you haven't thought about him because you won't care anymore. But for that to happen, he must stop being a presence in your life and that's within your power. In order to lose hope you just have to go through the last months and realize that there's absolutely no indication of him wanting to reignite the relationship. He has every chance to do it but he doesn't. Losing hope is very painful, but also essential and more realistic. It's been 5 months, Rachel. It's been six for me. She won't be back. I'm not a seer, but I'm quite sure he won't be back either. You have to accept it once and for all.

[Rachel39]

Thank you for taking the time out to reply..... I'm hoping in the next couple of months it will start to fade, this weekend Iv felt down and angry maybe it's kicking in? I don't know.

 

This is the first bit of anger Iv felt, so maybe it's a good thing as Iv never felt any badness towards him In all of this. I probably still don't I'm angry he's gone, that I ment so little to him ( I could see it when I collected my things it was like talking to someone in a shop) no emotions, that he never had any intentions of anything( he told me it was never going to work out it was bound to end at some point) why did he ask me to move in with him and my son.

 

I want to hate him.... I want to wake up and be glad I'm not with someone who is so emotionless and detached and can lead someone on !

 

I'm sure this will all be ok eventually xx

[BC1980]

If I don't contact him will that hope go away eventually ?

 

When Iv been in relationships before and it's ended I knew it was for the best even a 16yr one and I didn't have any hope I just knew I needed to get through it to be ok and move on.

 

This is so different for me Iv never felt this way before, Iv never still wanted to be with someone after its ended.... And defiantly not 5 months later. I would be well on my way to healing and been in a good place.

 

Do you just wake up and stop wanting them one day?

 

Your hope will go away if you stop contacting him. What you really want is to be indifferent to him, and that can take a long time. And you probably won't ever be TOTALLY indifferent to him like you would a random person walking down the street. I think that when we make excuses for contact it's like bargaining. You can't be with him romantically, so you try to bargain the person into your life on some level. I tried to do that myself until I realized how silly it was. It doesn't work, and you can't let go. There really shouldn't be a reason that you need to contact him again. You can talk yourself into any reason, but I bet there is always another way. Over time, NC forces you to let go and move on, even if you don't really want to on NC Day 1.

[Rachel39]

I can't talk to any of my family or friends because basically I'm embarrassed that i am still in love and feel like I do over this man that came into my life wanted all these things and then became mr unavailable.... Manipulated me in to ending it and then basically disappearing with no contact.

 

Me having a termination because he said he couldn't cope with another child and he'd end up leaving me .... Well mr unavailable did.

 

I'm so angry, I'm angry that I'm in therapy because I'm having a hard time dealing with it... That someday a I feel so low I just want to go to bed at 7pm I have changed my life so much, I'm working I'm putting a new business together I have finished college now

 

Why should I have to be in therapy for loving someOne for been in love for been honest and loyal !! Why do I still want him, I dislike who I am for been so weak and wanting someone who wasn't available and just walked away

[BC1980]

I can't talk to any of my family or friends because basically I'm embarrassed that i am still in love and feel like I do over this man that came into my life wanted all these things and then became mr unavailable.... Manipulated me in to ending it and then basically disappearing with no contact.

 

Me having a termination because he said he couldn't cope with another child and he'd end up leaving me .... Well mr unavailable did.

 

I'm so angry, I'm angry that I'm in therapy because I'm having a hard time dealing with it... That someday a I feel so low I just want to go to bed at 7pm I have changed my life so much, I'm working I'm putting a new business together I have finished college now

 

Why should I have to be in therapy for loving someOne for been in love for been honest and loyal !! Why do I still want him, I dislike who I am for been so weak and wanting someone who wasn't available and just walked away

 

You're not weak for loving someone and for feeling all these emotions. What you are feeling is normal. I remember being really angry that I had to go through all of these emotions too. I felt like it wasn't fair. I was angry that my ex didn't feel the upheaval that I did. Life isn't fair like that though. Come here and get it all out if you need to. I know you can't always go to family or friends because you can't throw everything on them all the time.

[Rachel39]

yes i guess if i thought he was having a hard time it might take the edge off knowing that he most likely isn't is when i start feel worthless.

 

I guess i can't blame him for that they are my own thoughts and feelings to that situation.

 

every one is different how they handle a break up, i would like to be strong. I appear it to my friends and family as i hide it pretty well. they ask if iv heard anything from him and i say no! they tell me i look great.

 

just sometimes I'm dying inside and some days i go to bed early and some days i just want an explanation from him because everything is going so well but its like a little pacman eating away at me bit by bit.

 

Its not in my world to treat some one this way, i find it hard to understand how people can i would rather be honest with someone and tell them how i was feeling and if the relationship wasn't ok

 

Not pretend everything was ok and manipulate the situtation but that doesn't matter any more.

 

what matters is how I'm handling it and processing it.