Going to tell his wife

[ShatteredLady]

AWomansWorth. If you were in his W's situation can you think of a single reason why you would NOT want to know the truth about your life?

 

She is likely going to be completely blindsided. I've experienced that. I know exactly what it's like to believe with utter conviction that I knew my life 100% one moment AND then, in 1 moment, my entire reality was flipped on its head!

 

I went into shock. I know I vomited. I can't tell you what I said or did. I can't predict what she will say if you telephone her. If you send her the information PLEASE give her a way of contacting you & asking questions....questions & answers are the only road to sanity.

 

You are COMPLETELY & UTTERLY innocent in this. You are NOT an OW hoping she will throw him out to run to you. Her actions are not your concern. Know that you are doing the RIGHT thing. You are a betrayed woman simply informing another woman that she is being betrayed.

 

If she is like nearly every other woman in the world she will go into shock, process this & thank you for being a good & decent woman.

[wmacbride]

op,

i think you telling her is the right thing to do. Pu yourself in her place. Would you rather find out now, pain as it may be, of down the road when their lives are even further entwined?

 

She may not believe you, she may believe you and do nothing, she may make drastic change sin her life.

 

Whatever the case may be, you will have given he the gift of the truth, and you can walk away with peace in your heart.

[Mayday2016]

There's no point telling the wife.

 

My xMM's stayed. Not only did he have a 15 month affair but he had a baby from it that she didn't find out until baby was 6 weeks old. Not only did his wife stay with him, she now wants them all (her, him, their 3 year old) to have a relationship with my daughter.

 

Chances are his wife knows. I suspect my xMM's wife did but tolerated because the next day he went right back to her and kept letting his paycheck go to their joint bank account. As long as there was cash flow and she held the legally binding title, she really didn't seem to care.

[dreamingoftigers]

There's no point telling the wife.

 

My xMM's stayed. Not only did he have a 15 month affair but he had a baby from it that she didn't find out until baby was 6 weeks old. Not only did his wife stay with him, she now wants them all (her, him, their 3 year old) to have a relationship with my daughter.

 

Chances are his wife knows. I suspect my xMM's wife did but tolerated because the next day he went right back to her and kept letting his paycheck go to their joint bank account. As long as there was cash flow and she held the legally binding title, she really didn't seem to care.

 

Your situation and relationship premise with your MM are completely different.

 

In fact this one took great pains to hide his marriage. Your was on Ashley Madison.

[Cappycorny]

The purpose of telling the wife is not to get her to leave him, merely to make her aware of the situation, so that she doesn't rush headlong into buying the house and having more kids as they have planned - she needs to know here. What she does with that info is up to her but at least she will be aware.

This man was leading a double life in a different cities, with neither women being aware of the other - not the usual MM/OW scenario.

The OP here is completely blameless.

 

Did anyone ever think she could be aware? Some woman know and choose to continue forward to begin with. Does the OW in this scenerio have saved hard core evidence? If so, ok present it to her and watch the woman either crumble or choose to forgive and move forward. Her husband is a snake like any mm that cheats. This may be an example of little more extreme but bottom line he's a cheater just like any married person who goes outside the marriage is.

[bathtub-row]

Don't do this. The wife might not want to buy a new home with him when she finds out.

 

Poppy

 

Doubtful. She'll most likely stay with him. Either way, she will have a new home. My suggestion is based on allowing her to enjoy this phase before lowering the axe on her. I'm guessing this isn't news to her anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

Doubtful. She'll most likely stay with him. Either way, she will have a new home. My suggestion is based on allowing her to enjoy this phase before lowering the axe on her. I'm guessing this isn't news to her anyway.

 

I always wonder where this train of thought comes from.

 

The majority of BS I've come across in real life (I wont bother using forum data) were pretty shocked.

 

I was completely, totally blindsided. The possibility didn't even occur to me until the incident I mentioned. My mother, same thing. Until that unravelled. And to my knowledge my father never stepped out before. In hindsight he might have, just because he's, well...a jerk. But overall he gets so sucked into stuff that I actually don't think he did. He's a sloppy liar.

 

It surely can't be this isolated.

 

And TBH, I've never met a "turn a blind eye" BS, ever. Not once.

[bathtub-row]

I always wonder where this train of thought comes from.

 

The majority of BS I've come across in real life (I wont bother using forum data) were pretty shocked.

 

I was completely, totally blindsided. The possibility didn't even occur to me until the incident I mentioned. My mother, same thing. Until that unravelled. And to my knowledge my father never stepped out before. In hindsight he might have, just because he's, well...a jerk. But overall he gets so sucked into stuff that I actually don't think he did. He's a sloppy liar.

 

It surely can't be this isolated.

 

And TBH, I've never met a "turn a blind eye" BS, ever. Not once.

 

OP already said that MM and his wife have issues and I think she said that they even broke up for a time. Not sure about that but I think that's what she said. I don't assume that the BW always knows but a large amount of the time, they do, or they kid themselves. And even when they don't know, they tend to stay after they find out.

[ShatteredLady]

Bathtub-row. Why, how do you believe that most BS's know & don't care? Why do you think that most aren't completely blindsided? Broken? Devastated?

 

I need to go back & read your story. What country do you come from? Do you believe this because it's how you & the women in your family have always been?

 

I've NEVER known or heard of a BS like that. It's so sad! OMG! That's tragic.

 

I know I can be faulted for being a blind, hapless romantic but you're stating the complete opposite & I can't even imagine viewing women like that. Women aren't completely motivated by mortgages & rings. Are they?

[Popsicle]

I always wonder where this train of thought comes from.

 

The majority of BS I've come across in real life (I wont bother using forum data) were pretty shocked.

 

I was completely, totally blindsided. The possibility didn't even occur to me until the incident I mentioned. My mother, same thing. Until that unravelled. And to my knowledge my father never stepped out before. In hindsight he might have, just because he's, well...a jerk. But overall he gets so sucked into stuff that I actually don't think he did. He's a sloppy liar.

 

It surely can't be this isolated.

 

And TBH, I've never met a "turn a blind eye" BS, ever. Not once.

 

I have met some "turn a blind eye" BS's, but admittedly, they are not the majority.

 

I think it's easy to think "she knew" afterwards when she stays with him anyway. Ala Hilary Clinton, one asks "How could she stay with him after that?" But really it's her decision and none of our business.

[HappyAgain2014]

OP already said that MM and his wife have issues and I think she said that they even broke up for a time. Not sure about that but I think that's what she said. I don't assume that the BW always knows but a large amount of the time, they do, or they kid themselves. And even when they don't know, they tend to stay after they find out.

 

I don't believe this is true. It's natural to assume you can trust your spouse, especially if you're faithful to them.

 

Marriage is hard. To automatically assume your spouse is cheating during challenging times would be unthinkable for many people. Also, keep in mind, despite what the OW is told, many of these marriages are seemingly happy. You only know what you're told.

 

Despite being raised by a chronic womanizer and having been an OW, I'd be shocked if someone told me my husband was cheating. Is that naive of me? Perhaps but marriage is all about trust. If I can't trust him, who can I trust? I also don't have a husband who travels for work or spends much time away from home.

 

Many wives stay for their children. They will fight for their family. It's so easy to say they they just accept it. Their lives as they knew it are over. There's nothing easy about it.

[Popsicle]

And my bet, regarding the OP's situation is that the wife will stay. Being PG and having little kids, it's likely.

[dreamingoftigers]

Bathtub-row. Why, how do you believe that most BS's know & don't care? Why do you think that most aren't completely blindsided? Broken? Devastated?

 

I need to go back & read your story. What country do you come from? Do you believe this because it's how you & the women in your family have always been?

 

I've NEVER known or heard of a BS like that. It's so sad! OMG! That's tragic.

 

I know I can be faulted for being a blind, hapless romantic but you're stating the complete opposite & I can't even imagine viewing women like that. Women aren't completely motivated by mortgages & rings. Are they?

 

Not judging by my marriage.

[Popsicle]

Women aren't completely motivated by mortgages & rings. Are they?

 

I like diamonds.

[Doublegold]

I like diamonds. [/quote

 

LOL me too,

[Lady2163]

I always wonder where this train of thought comes from.

 

The majority of BS I've come across in real life (I wont bother using forum data) were pretty shocked.

 

I was completely, totally blindsided. The possibility didn't even occur to me until the incident I mentioned. My mother, same thing. Until that unravelled. And to my knowledge my father never stepped out before. In hindsight he might have, just because he's, well...a jerk. But overall he gets so sucked into stuff that I actually don't think he did. He's a sloppy liar.

 

It surely can't be this isolated.

 

And TBH, I've never met a "turn a blind eye" BS, ever. Not once.

 

Ooooohhhhh, there are plenty of "turn a blind eye" BS. You get to the status and wealth of Bill and Hilary Clinton and turning a blind eye usually has the tacit agreement of discretion. It's been going on for ages. Remember, wives were not expected to enjoy sex or do "degrading" sex acts. That's what mistresses are for.

 

There are plenty of women not in the same status as the Clintons who are done having children and just not interested in sex anymore. They overlook the transgression because the reward is worth it.

[Doublegold]

MM and his BS had a D-Day (of sorts) long before I met him over some email account that ended them in MC (can ya tell it worked real well?). Basic back and forth was "I'd divorce you if we didn't have kids"..."If we didn't have kids we wouldn't be married...."

 

Anyhow--Eight years later...."Are you cheating"....Don't answer.....He took his Wedding Band off...No Comment on that....Then--IC on the secret sly by him resulting in a brief moment of honesty--I don't love you romantically anymore--sadness, tears. More revelations--I had sex with someone before I met you, I watch porn (real progress being made here people!). BS--"I don't want to be divorced".

 

Business crashes. Life happens. Everyone pretends.

 

Yah, people turn a blind eye--to everything.

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub-row. Why, how do you believe that most BS's know & don't care? Why do you think that most aren't completely blindsided? Broken? Devastated?

 

I need to go back & read your story. What country do you come from? Do you believe this because it's how you & the women in your family have always been?

 

I've NEVER known or heard of a BS like that. It's so sad! OMG! That's tragic.

 

I know I can be faulted for being a blind, hapless romantic but you're stating the complete opposite & I can't even imagine viewing women like that. Women aren't completely motivated by mortgages & rings. Are they?

 

What country am I from?? Lol. That's pretty funny. Ok, I'm from the country of Texas.

 

Look, I see married men flirt and proposition all the time. Do you know why I see this? Because I'm single and, therefore, a target. One man kissed me while his wife was standing right there. Granted, she was drunk as hell but I'll tell you I was shocked. This particular woman continually talked about what a great marriage they had.

 

My story is long and diverse and not easily pinned down to one thing that would necessarily help you understand my point of view. I know what I see. Are there good men out there? Of course. Should women trust their husbands when they've given them no reason to distrust them? Of course they should. What I'm talking about are women who think their husbands are so pure that they'd never cheat, when many signs tell them otherwise.

 

I know of someone who's husband cheated on her for nearly 10 years. All the signs were there but she either ignored them or convinced herself that her husband would never go down that path. Maybe a lot of women are blindsided and I can totally see how that could happen. But I'm not talking about people who never saw it coming. I'm talking about people who see all the signs and choose to ignore it.

 

And, yes, quite often women stay after they discover an affair. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Of course they want to preserve their family - all that. I get it. I'm just saying that in the case of the subject wife who has obviously been through serious problems with her husband, she will most likely stay.

 

And my main point was to spare her for now and let her be happy about this new home they're getting. It's a very stressful and exciting thing to go through. The knowledge of what her husband has done will really take the wind out of her sails. In truth, I'm thinking of her well-being and would like for her not to have those horrible memories of buying a home with her husband with this cloud over it. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe she should know now. I'm just guessing. He's wrecking her life - has wrecked OP's - and I'd like to see the damage minimized somehow. This isn't just about OP getting this off her chest. I'd like to see it more thought out for the BS's best interest. But it's possible that I'm wrong. It's very hard to say.

 

And for the record, I never said that the BS doesn't care. I was saying that they often make the choice to stay. That's not the same as not caring.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What country am I from?? Lol. That's pretty funny. Ok, I'm from the country of Texas.

 

Look, I see married men flirt and proposition all the time. Do you know why I see this? Because I'm single and, therefore, a target. One man kissed me while his wife was standing right there. Granted, she was drunk as hell but I'll tell you I was shocked. This particular woman continually talked about what a great marriage they had.

 

My story is long and diverse and not easily pinned down to one thing that would necessarily help you understand my point of view. I know what I see. Are there good men out there? Of course. Should women trust their husbands when they've given them no reason to distrust them? Of course they should. What I'm talking about are women who think their husbands are so pure that they'd never cheat, when many signs tell them otherwise.

 

I know of someone who's husband cheated on her for nearly 10 years. All the signs were there but she either ignored them or convinced herself that her husband would never go down that path. Maybe a lot of women are blindsided and I can totally see how that could happen. But I'm not talking about people who never saw it coming. I'm talking about people who see all the signs and choose to ignore it.

 

And, yes, quite often women stay after they discover an affair. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Of course they want to preserve their family - all that. I get it. I'm just saying that in the case of the subject wife who has obviously been through serious problems with her husband, she will most likely stay.

 

And my main point was to spare her for now and let her be happy about this new home they're getting. It's a very stressful and exciting thing to go through. The knowledge of what her husband has done will really take the wind out of her sails. In truth, I'm thinking of her well-being and would like for her not to have those horrible memories of buying a home with her husband with this cloud over it. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe she should know now. I'm just guessing. He's wrecking her life - has wrecked OP's - and I'd like to see the damage minimized somehow. This isn't just about OP getting this off her chest. I'd like to see it more thought out for the BS's best interest. But it's possible that I'm wrong. It's very hard to say.

 

And for the record, I never said that the BS doesn't care. I was saying that they often make the choice to stay. That's not the same as not caring.

 

It hard for me to understand/wrap my head around the fact that someone would commit a senseless act of violence. It's hard for me to imagine that a parent would harm their child! It's hard for me to believe that someone would neglect their aging parents. So hard, that when I see these things on the nightly news, my first instinct is to think its fabricated. When an act is completely foreign to you, it's very easy not to believe! Even between people who are sharing the same deception it's sometimes unbelievable. Hence, honor amongst thieves. I can easily understand how one could overlook an act that seems unimaginable in their eyes.

[sandylee1]

There's no point telling the wife.

 

My xMM's stayed. Not only did he have a 15 month affair but he had a baby from it that she didn't find out until baby was 6 weeks old. Not only did his wife stay with him, she now wants them all (her, him, their 3 year old) to have a relationship with my daughter.

 

Chances are his wife knows. I suspect my xMM's wife did but tolerated because the next day he went right back to her and kept letting his paycheck go to their joint bank account. As long as there was cash flow and she held the legally binding title, she really didn't seem to care.

 

The purpose is telling her is not for her to leave the marriage... I'm not sure why most OWs seem to cite this as a reason not to tell the wife ...... in this case the OP was deceived.

 

The real reason most OWs (who know fully well they are with a MM ) advise not to say anything is because it doesn't make them look good .... because in reality they are also at fault and they're scared of the backlash, . It's for their own self preservation. Where you have done nothing wrong.......as with the OP... you don't need to have those thoughts.

 

I think some of the regular OW expect the MM to come to them on dday.. this is a very DIFFERENT case.

[elaine567]

 

I think some of the regular OW expect the MM to come to them on dday.. this is a very DIFFERENT case.

 

The OP has been duped by a MM who pretended he was single to her for a whole year, so as you say a VERY DIFFERENT case.

[sandylee1]

The OP has been duped by a MM who pretended he was single to her for a whole year, so as you say a VERY DIFFERENT case.

 

Exactly........ it's clear the OP wants nothing to do with him....whereas in other cases the OW is dying for him to leave his wife.. that's the big prize.

[elaine567]

I do not believe MOST BSs know they are being cheated on - most appear to be completely blindsided.

 

I have a feeling that the idea that MOST BSs know their hus band is cheating, may be a convenient device used by OWs and even MM to believe the wife really knows anyway and the wife somehow gives her tacit permission or even approval to allow the affair to continue.

If she knows anyway - we are not hurting her, are we?

If she knows anyway - why doesn't she just take a hike instead of hanging on in there living in HIS house, spending HIS money - gold digger

If she knows anyway - she must be an uncaring person, who obviously doesn't love him.

...etc. etc.

 

If she doesn't know, she is an innocent "victim".

Then guess who are the perpetrators of the "crime" against her are then?

[waterwoman]

I do not believe MOST BSs know they are being cheated on - most appear to be completely blindsided.

 

I have a feeling that the idea that MOST BSs know their hus band is cheating, may be a convenient device used by OWs and even MM to believe the wife really knows anyway and the wife somehow gives her tacit permission or even approval to allow the affair to continue.

If she knows anyway - we are not hurting her, are we?

If she knows anyway - why doesn't she just take a hike instead of hanging on in there living in HIS house, spending HIS money - gold digger

If she knows anyway - she must be an uncaring person, who obviously doesn't love him.

...etc. etc.

 

If she doesn't know, she is an innocent "victim".

Then guess who are the perpetrators of the "crime" against her are then?

 

Yep! That is exactly what I have thought reading so many posts on here. Affairs are inherently unfair and selfish acts - if you can suggest that the BS doesn't care or is to blame it makes the whole nasty mess less inequitable and somehow better.

 

For the record ending a marriage is not the only legitimate response to finding out about an affair. There are many things that can change after disclosure that will improve a marriage - depending on almost every element involved of course.

Edited March 16, 2016 by waterwoman
Forgot how to write in grammatical sentences!

[stillafool]

There's no point telling the wife.

 

My xMM's stayed. Not only did he have a 15 month affair but he had a baby from it that she didn't find out until baby was 6 weeks old. Not only did his wife stay with him, she now wants them all (her, him, their 3 year old) to have a relationship with my daughter.

 

Chances are his wife knows. I suspect my xMM's wife did but tolerated because the next day he went right back to her and kept letting his paycheck go to their joint bank account. As long as there was cash flow and she held the legally binding title, she really didn't seem to care.

 

Yes but you knew he was married when you entered your affair and had the baby. OP was tricked and lied to. She is completely innocent in this and had no idea this man was married. The wife will have sympathy for her. OP has absolutely nothing to fear in telling the truth.