Going to tell his wife

[awomansworth]

Thank you once again everyone for all of your continued support. You have no idea how much I needed it this morning. I'm taking everything into consideration and so many of your posts have opened my eyes.

 

*Update*

 

After a few days of NC, he texted me last night saying:

 

"It's not what you think it is. I need time to explain it all to you and you will understand. Please give me time. I love you."

 

I don't know what that even means. Anyhow, I didn't respond.

 

As for telling her, I'm trying to figure out where I should contact her. I believe it is him who blocked me on her Facebook, so I want to find a communication channel where he doesn't have access and won't intercept my message or call.

 

The only place I can think of is her work. I have the number and I think I figured out her email address, but is contacting her at her at work in poor taste? I also have her personal email address, but he might have access to that too.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ugghhh! That's a heck of a way to find out.

 

Of course he can explain, no way could it be what you think it is!!! Any means to an end! Keep strict no contact.

[SoleMate]

I would consider hiring a courier to hand deliver an info packet. Gives you some distance.

[heartwhole]

He's just doing damage control. I agree, any contact you have with him from here on out is too much contact.

 

Look at how he framed his statement: "I need time to explain it all to you and you will understand." All about him, what he needs. And he's sure of the outcome -- you WILL understand. He will press and manipulate and rewrite history until you do.

 

As for how to tell his wife, I guess I would do the work email since you are right that he could be monitoring her home email since he has access to her Facebook. I agree that it's not the best to receive such a personal email at work (does she work in an industry where they check her emails for compliance?). You could also send her a letter at work. Or call her at work.

 

I don't envy you doing any of those things, but I appreciate your desire to do it. She has a right to informed consent.

 

Good luck.

[heartwhole]

I would consider hiring a courier to hand deliver an info packet. Gives you some distance.

 

I like this idea very much.

[SoleMate]

"It's not what you think it is. I need time to explain it all to you and you will understand. Please give me time. I love you."

Meaningless blather. Please continue to ignore.

 

One of the best parts of informing the wife is that it gets the exMM under control. Just let her know that you don't want contact from him and if he does contact you by any means, you will forward it to her.

[awomansworth]

I agree that the feelings of an innocent 3rd party should be considered where possible. However, it's not even clear whether the more considerate action is to tell or not to tell. You don't have all the info (like his possible prior cheating or her serious chronic illness or ?) and you also don't know the future, so you can't possibly say which path has less pain for the BS. Many BS say that one of the hardest things is the length of time cheating has gone on with no one blowing the whistle. I'd be tempted to reveal, however I'd do it with no expectation about what her (or his) reaction or response might be. I'd just do it and then move on.

 

Yes, he'll inevitably trot out all the cliches about how you're a nut who pursued him and blackmailed him for attention, etc. etc. etc......so what. You won't be there to have to listen to them and will know that you did what you could to get the truth to the BS. Sorry for your pain and so glad to hear you dumped him cold.

 

I did some more digging last night on her FB... I know I should stop, but I'm still trying to get a grasp of everything... I found out that there was a time that they might have separated(?) back in 2012. She moved out of state and their now 10 year old stayed with him. I don't have all the details, but I'm guessing maybe they got back together in 2013/14 which is when they had their now 2 year old.

 

There were also several posts around the time that were all about heartbreak . I don't know if that means he broke her heart with prior cheating or she broke his.

 

This is such a mess.

[SSJROMANCE]

I didn't read all of your responses but I'm wondering how it went that long before you found out?

 

Sounds to me like another douchebag. Stringing you along, covering all his tracks. You may not be the only one he has been cheating with. DO NOT talk to this douchebag again. Go directly to his wife and have HER explain everything. Have HER sit down with the douchebag and explain it to both you AND her.

 

I support you in not letting him get away with this. As sad as the outcome may be for her in the long run it's the best thing you can do. Call his ass out. I wish there were MORE of you in the world who have the courage to do what you are about to do.

[awomansworth]

Did he take you out? Was there a credit card used? How could he have never taken you to "his place" in a whole year? Did he stay the night at your place? Did he ever receive phone calls that went unexplained?

 

Did you wonder throughout that years time?

 

I've been to his place that is here in LA. His wife and kids are in San Diego. I have never been to that house. I didn't even know about it. I haven't thought about how he pulled all of this off, but it makes sense. His office is here, but the company's HQ is in SD. Whenever he was staying there I assumed it was for work and he was in a hotel, a hotel he has taken me to twice for weekend getaways. I assume he told her the same thing.

 

No, no unexplained phone calls. Maybe that is also my fault because I was very trusting and I generally don't worry about calls or texts or anything like that.

[SSJROMANCE]

I have prepared myself for the blame. This is not going to be pretty if she does blame me.

 

May I ask, why did you stay?

 

 

WHY are you going to blame yourself? Sure it takes two to tangle BUT he is to blame for EVERYTHING. It is HIS marriage NOT yours. He probably sought you out as well. Hook line and sinker? I hardly see how this is YOUR fault. You may have made some poor choices based on the information you had at the time and/or amid all his lies to you but YOU are not to blame and DO NOT take the blame. She may be angry in the short term at you but at the end of the day he is the ONLY ONE to blame.

[SSJROMANCE]

I've been to his place that is here in LA. His wife and kids are in San Diego. I have never been to that house. I didn't even know about it. I haven't thought about how he pulled all of this off, but it makes sense. His office is here, but the company's HQ is in SD. Whenever he was staying there I assumed it was for work and he was in a hotel, a hotel he has taken me to twice for weekend getaways. I assume he told her the same thing.

 

No, no unexplained phone calls. Maybe that is also my fault because I was very trusting and I generally don't worry about calls or texts or anything like that.

 

 

I hope every woman reads what you just wrote. Not the first time I have read something similar to what this guy did. Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall when this all comes crashing down on him.

[bathtub-row]

Ok, even if this guy has the best story in the world, the fact that he didn't disclose this "great story" long before now is inexcusable. Something like, "Oh, btw, babe, I'm in a situation that looks very bad on the surface so I want to tell you what's actually going on in case you hear things..."

 

Did that conversation happen in any way, shape or form? I'm thinking not, which spells absolute guilt on his part.

 

What he has done to you is just simply awful. And his wife thinks she's living a fairytale, or that whatever was wrong between them has been resolved. Guys like this bank on the OW keeping her mouth shut. I say let his wife know what happened and let her decide what to do about it. She'll probably stay with him but at least she will know what she's dealing with.

Edited March 15, 2016 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

I know I should stop looking at her FB. But the more I look, the more things are making sense. I just saw photos of them on a date from a few weeks ago. I remember now. I was sick that night. He said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me, that he'd have dropped by and brought me medicine and food, but he was stuck at work overnight.

 

I am starting to hate him more and more.

 

Why should you stop looking? You want answers. Do what you need to do.

 

Stuck at the office. Pleeeze. That just sickens me.

[awomansworth]

She'll be humiliated if she knows all these strangers were weighing in on her marriage, health, mothering, sanity, right to know etc. That's pretty violating when added to the betrayal. Facts, no emotions, email or phone number if she needs to contact you. And compassion.

 

Funny, I did consider sending her a link. Then I thought about all of that too and how in-depth this thread has gotten. For her to read all of this would just be unnecessarily cruel, I think.

[awomansworth]

I had to close my fb account. I had only about 200 friends/relatives, but when the mow started popping up as someone I might know, I switched to a different name and keep about 50 friends and keep it private, both by privacy options and not posting anything other than funny stories about boneheaded things I do. It's very light. Takes up a less time now too. Then she showed up on my LinkedIn, (remember, I'm a spoiled housewife who lunches) and I blocked there - she was hovering near my work (yes I work lol) and I didn't need that. I've since moved very far away (it was a planned moved, not because of the a) so she's not a physical nuisance to me anymore. Driving past my house, all that nonsense, it's over. If she managed to find me now, I'd be so impressed I'd ask her in for coffee, because tenacity, wow. It won't happen. I cut out a lot of in laws etc who happily blabbed our latest news to her (it's a pretty talky industry, mostly women). So now I'm in another world, went from downtown living to farm country, in a different country. Also, I don't think she's dangerous, just nosy and not very savvy. I travel back to that city very regularly for events etc, so running into her is a possibility there. But I think she's moved on to another marriage, I'm probably not on her radar anymore.

 

WHOA! That is A LOT of effort for you just to get away!

 

Maybe I missed it, but did she ever talk to you or you her during any of these "encounters"? Was it just curiosity or your garden variety stalking? Or was it more like she was actually harassing you? Not that any of it is okay, I am just curious.

[awomansworth]

Honestly, she might at first but that would be purely reflexive.

 

She's been with this dude a long time and he's clearly polished his game. She isn't going to be able to see it right away unless there have already been clues.

 

My boss is outright betraying his wife, but it all fits within the confines of his job. There's no actual reason to suspect. It's awful. She is struggling with her health and he's just playing single. Totally sickening. I only found out because of his sloppiness. But she isn't working in his home-office so she wouldn't see the same trail I do. Everything can be excused away by "working" and with her being so so so sick (even kidney infection followed by diabetes complications etc) she doesn't have the wherewithal to really track it all. He totally fails as a husband, and at the risk of being a judgmental pig, he fails as a human being too. She's so lonely and he just plays her.

 

Two months until mat leave for me. I won't go back there to work. I don't want to make him anymore money to go play around on his wife with. I've known them both for almost a decade and speak with her everyday. His dishonest conduct is actually eating AT ME because I witness the BS first-hand.

 

But if I told her, I know she would defend him straight-away. My mother defended my father straight-away.

 

Me, I just about chucked my husband out the nearest window because my father was a total Rat-Bastard and I knew that my mother followed him, believing him every step of the way while he pissed on her heart.

 

Your boss is a horrible person. Wow. I have no words.

 

Now that I think about it, I have also seen family and friends defend cheating spouses. The one that sticks out is an aunt. She defends her husband to death... despite him giving her an STD!... because he was a great father and an otherwise good husband. Except for that 5-year extramarital affair.

[awomansworth]

No.

 

Often we are blindsided by the same loser you were.

 

My husband was VERY VERY smooth. He just fit his playing around into his daily routine.

 

I only found out because of a total fluke that he nor I could have ever predicted.

 

Honestly. He could have lied to me for easily a decade or two and I would have thought he was a saint. He got busted in another city. Totally totally crazy circumstances.

 

If you don't mind, what was the total fluke?

 

I feel like it happens that way more than a cheating spouse actually confessing to it.

 

I think me finding out via FB was in a way a fluke. She showed up on my people you may know. If she hadn't, I don't know how long it would have taken for me to discover it.

[awomansworth]

I'm not sure what words you should say, but I do imagine it would be best just to tell her exactly what you told us. Keep it short and simple, let her react. Give her a few moments to ask questions, get through her initial emotions, and then leave her with your phone number or an email address (create a new one; don't give her your existing one in case she goes nutso on you), and tell her if she has any questions she can call or email you. Then leave it at that. I wouldn't go into a bunch of detail unless answering specific questions from her. If and when you meet her, you should bring a girlfriend along with you, and meet in a public place but where she can have some privacy, like a restaurant with booths or something.

 

This was very helpful, thank you so much. I have already created a new email address.

 

This is taking such a toll on me.

[stillafool]

This guy has probably done this to so many women it's pathetic. He has a place in L.A., wow what a set up. He probably sees more than one OW at a time. What a jerk!

 

OP, when are you planning to tell his wife so you can move on from this?

[awomansworth]

Just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has reassured me that I am not actually the OW... though I still feel like I am... and for recognizing the fact that I have compassion for his wife. I know I don't know her, but I do respect her a lot.

 

I feel scared and overwhelmed by all of this. I'm starting to feel the physical effects of it too. I am sleeping, but not as well and same with my appetite.

 

I'm absolutely dreading telling her. But I know it's what I have to do for her and for myself.

[awomansworth]

This guy has probably done this to so many women it's pathetic. He has a place in L.A., wow what a set up. He probably sees more than one OW at a time. What a jerk!

 

OP, when are you planning to tell his wife so you can move on from this?

 

My deadline is this week. Friday morning at the latest. I think I might want to wait until then, so she has the weekend to process and it doesn't affect her work.

[awomansworth]

Ok, even if this guy has the best story in the world, the fact that he didn't disclose this "great story" long before now is inexcusable. Something like, "Oh, btw, babe, I'm in a situation that looks very bad on the surface so I want to tell you what's actually going on in case you hear things..."

 

Did that conversation happen in any way, shape or form? I'm thinking not, which spells absolute guilt on his part.

 

What he has done to you is just simply awful. And his wife thinks she's living a fairytale, or that whatever was wrong between them has been resolved. Guys like this bank on the OW keeping her mouth shut. I say let his wife know what happened and let her decide what to do about it. She'll probably stay with him but at least she will know what she's dealing with.

 

How I wish that conversation happened.

 

I do believe he is betting on me keeping my mouth shut. He has always told me how much he loves how happy and carefree I am and that I'm someone who avoids drama and doesn't meddle in other people's businesses.

 

I bet it is also why he blocked me on her FB. Not just so I don't lurk or see new posts, but so I can't contact her. After I confronted him about it, his response was "It's because the last thing I need is you messaging her."

 

He's the worst.

[awomansworth]

Ugghhh! That's a heck of a way to find out.

 

Of course he can explain, no way could it be what you think it is!!! Any means to an end! Keep strict no contact.

 

Women are like cops. They can have all the evidence in the world but they still need a confession.

 

 

I love your signature. It's sooo true.

 

In a weird way it applies to me too. Even though all over her FB it definitely says they are married, and even though I'm NC, I still want to know his side of the story. What's wrong with me?

[whichwayisup]

How I wish that conversation happened.

 

I do believe he is betting on me keeping my mouth shut. He has always told me how much he loves how happy and carefree I am and that I'm someone who avoids drama and doesn't meddle in other people's businesses.

 

I bet it is also why he blocked me on her FB. Not just so I don't lurk or see new posts, but so I can't contact her. After I confronted him about it, his response was "It's because the last thing I need is you messaging her."

 

He's the worst.

 

Make sure you have all the texts ready and printed out. If you do end up meeting her face to face, you can show her your phone and texts too.

 

He is the worst and I hope for his sake he comes clean to his wife before she hears it from you. but I doubt he has the courage to do that.

[awomansworth]

Why should you stop looking? You want answers. Do what you need to do.

 

Stuck at the office. Pleeeze. That just sickens me.

 

Yes. I felt like throwing up after. I see so many posts/photos that coincide with his excuses and lies and my heart drops and my stomach turns.

 

I want to stop looking as part of NC. But it's like I just can't right now. Once I tell her, maybe I can finally stop.