Going to tell his wife

[velvette]

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

 

So it doesn't sound like she dismissed you out of hand and buried her head in the sand if it took that long for her to answer. Did you provide her the proof she requested?

 

 

If you didn't and then she started the name calling and sounds like maybe she confronted him and he came up with the usual story that you are some crazy nutjob woman who is obsessed with him and trying to break up his marriage and she bought it.

 

 

Its easiest for people to get away with lying to people that love them. Also, no disrespect to you, but most women would be skeptical that their husbands could get away with lying about being married for as long as he did, because they don't believe that could happen to them. I think you've seen that here with people questioning how you couldn't have know for as long as you didn't.

[stillafool]

Get ready because MM is going to try to contact you to ask you not to show her any proof or talk to her again.

[anna121]

Honestly, I think it's pretty bad form not to send her *some* form of proof now that she's asked for it. Asking her to take you at your word was always a long shot.

 

It doesn't have to be every stitch of correspondence from your entire relationship.

[BlueIris]

Yeah, send her the evidence, wish her well, and then be done.

[stilltrying16]

You didn't do the easy thing- you did the right thing. Good for you! I wish she hadn't turned on you; it's something she'll come to regret very soon, IMO.

 

I've been impressed with how you've approached this. Esp when you said you weren't expecting her to fall over in gratitude and were prepared (a few posts earlier).

Even if she's in denial, she has to have nagging doubts- I think she'll definitely come back for details, and the chances are she'll be thanking you at some point. You both are victims of this man. I hope she can see that soon.

 

I can see how annoying it will be to print off and collate and courier a stack of proof to her. It' his job, not yours, to provide a timeline & the details. Maybe you could just forward her some texts/emails/photos? And if you still feel up to it, leave a door open in case she does want to contact you?

 

She's lucky (and he's not) that he found someone with a conscience when he chose to sneak around!

[SoleMate]

This response by the BW is why I usually tend towards advising exOW not to disclose. It seems to lengthen the ordeal and add a new layer of anguish/drama to it, when the BW lashes back....as 80-90% of them do.

 

I agree a full data packet is more convincing, but it's also more work, prolongation of drama, and potentially a security risk as it provides info about the exOW that might be used against her.

 

OP, any way of ending the A and calling it quits is the right way as far as I'm concerned. This thread is about YOU and what's best for you. Looking forward to brighter days for you ahead.

[awomansworth]

I don't think asking for proof is burying her head in the sand. Did you give her any proof or respond that you would be willing to?

 

I don't think it's burying her head in the sand either, until the next text that sounded like she didn't want to believe me. I think she's conflicted with what to believe and is taking it out on me. I was prepared for it though, thanks to many of the posts here.

 

I didn't send her any proof, but I told her I am willing to talk and/or meet. As I said earlier, I don't want to spend the time gathering proof for her. I'd rather just sit down and show her my phone and she can go through it or call him herself.

 

Besides, with the way her texts were, I have a feeling that if I send her a screenshot of texts or anything like that, she could easily accuse me of making them all up because apparently I'm the crazy one here.

 

I also think people who are telling you how they would have done it, are not telling you were right or wrong, just sharing from either having lived something similar or heard the stories over and over what is usually most effective.

 

Thanks. I was referring to a couple posts that specifically said I did this the wrong way, but I understand what you and they mean.

[awomansworth]

You didn't do the easy thing- you did the right thing. Good for you! I wish she hadn't turned on you; it's something she'll come to regret very soon, IMO.

 

I've been impressed with how you've approached this. Esp when you said you weren't expecting her to fall over in gratitude and were prepared (a few posts earlier).

Even if she's in denial, she has to have nagging doubts- I think she'll definitely come back for details, and the chances are she'll be thanking you at some point. You both are victims of this man. I hope she can see that soon.

 

I can see how annoying it will be to print off and collate and courier a stack of proof to her. It' his job, not yours, to provide a timeline & the details. Maybe you could just forward her some texts/emails/photos? And if you still feel up to it, leave a door open in case she does want to contact you?

 

She's lucky (and he's not) that he found someone with a conscience when he chose to sneak around!

 

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I really do hope she comes around or that she at least has doubts. This is going to sound strange or maybe even insincere, but I really do feel for her. Regardless of what happened in their marriage, she didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated.

[awomansworth]

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

 

Hi Yodel, I'm sorry, I read your post but I don't think I ever responded because I was still hurting. Thank you for sharing your experience. You have no idea how much it helped me.

 

Thank you also for asking how I am. I don't know, to be honest. Some days I'm great, most days I'm not. Sometimes it feels like it really is just the beginning stages. It's definitely unlike any breakup I've ever had. It's something I can't quite describe.

 

I have since told family and a couple friends. They have been supportive, but they don't truly understand how I am feeling. I don't blame them. They have never been in this situation. So, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to and have been dealing with it on my own.

 

I'm just taking it one day at a time. Some days I just sit and cry, but it's getting less so maybe I am making progress.

 

The anger has also somewhat subsided. I don't desire to punish him anymore. I don't want to hurt him and I know that I did by telling her and just cutting off communication with him. I do want him to do the right thing.

 

I am starting to feel like a victim. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it does mean I feel less guilty than I did when I first posted. I'm beginning to see that I did nothing wrong. Or maybe victim is the wrong word. I feel wronged. That's why I could never see him the same way again.

 

It still hurts though. A lot. I really truly loved him. I feel naive thinking our love was real, but it does still feel real. I also feel naive for feeling he really did love me, but there's a part of me that doesn't doubt he really does care.

 

I feel like I lost the love of my life, as dramatic as that sounds. He was everything I wanted in a man and what we had was everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. In a husband. In a marriage. Everything was so natural with us, how we clicked, how we laughed, how we bonded, how we loved... we were so HAPPY. It all makes me so sad now.

 

I often wonder what was real and what wasn't, but none of that matters now. I am just trying to move forward.

 

As silly as it sounds, I think corresponding with his wife has helped me heal. Maybe I want to show her proof in person because it will help with my healing as well.

 

Some days I feel stuck. Other days, like today, I feel like I made one step forward. That matters, right?

 

Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. Thank you again for asking how I am. And thank you everyone for keeping this thread going and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it all, even if I didn't agree with your opinion, it's all appreciated. You all have helped me tremendously, especially when I have no one to truly run to.

[awomansworth]

I think if there was one word to describe how I feel...

 

I feel empty.

 

Like there's this hollowness inside of me. In my heart. In my life. In everything.

[Chuff]

I think if there was one word to describe how I feel...

 

I feel empty.

 

Like there's this hollowness inside of me. In my heart. In my life. In everything.

 

Start filling that emptiness with other things that once made you happy. Friends, hobbies, pampering...even if you don't feel like it right now. And I know you don't. Force yourself. Start now.

 

It WILL get better. It WILL get easier. Baby steps. You can do this! You have already shown yourself to be an amazingly strong woman.

 

We are here for you!

[heartwhole]

You've been through so much. I'm glad you've told your family and friends and have support and a good perspective.

 

You absolutely were a victim. He was lying to your face from the very beginning. Everything he did was in bad faith.

 

It's not surprising that the BW doesn't believe you. Look at how effortless and elaborate his lies are. My WH was not able to lie to my face like that. He mostly lied by omission and deflection. It's takes a special type of personality disorder to do what this man did to you and his wife. I can't imagine learning that my husband was a straight-up, bald-faced, in your face, pathological liar. And I write this a woman whose husband had an affair and was obviously dishonest to do so. So she has to decide which is easier to believe -- that her husband and father of her children is a pathological liar, or that some stranger is.

 

Do you have pictures of you and her husband? A picture says a thousand words. Sure, he'll just change his story to incorporate why these pictures are all a big misunderstanding, but I think it would plant more seeds of doubt for her.

 

In any event, I think you've done your part. You don't need to do any more unless you feel it's right for you.

 

Just because it turned out your relationship was built on false premises doesn't make it any less real for you. You must grieve what you thought you had and would have in the future. You must deal with the anger that he stole a year of your life. Are you in IC?

[tamcat]

Best of luck

Edited April 18, 2016 by tamcat

[Eighty_nine]

It baffles me that a spouse could receive this kind of message and think that the person at the other end was lying to them. Who would ever go out of their way to make something up like that-- what would their motive be? That doesn't happen, except maybe from people with extreme mental health issues or delusional disorders, but it's pretty clear when an individual is suffering from those things.

 

People don't make this stuff up for sh*ts and giggles. Her response seems to me like a deep form of denial.

 

I think I'd provide something; a screen shot of texts or forwarded email or a photo of you two together romantically. Nothing over the top. The thing is this woman may drive herself crazy going back & forth on whether or not you're telling the truth so I think it may be kinder at this point to give her some kind of evidence, and leave it at that.

 

And I agree with your statement-- there's no 'right' way to do this, what is right is what felt right for you. I don't think text messages are ineffectual at all, again because... why would someone ever make such a thing up?! I'm so sorry this happened to you, you are a victim and deserve time to grieve,

[ChickiePops]

You ARE a victim and you have every right to feel like one.

 

Just remind yourself what the 'love of your life' did to you. The man you love is an illusion created by a wolf in sheeps clothing. He's not real.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[sandylee1]

You are indeed a victim. You're a victim of his lies and deceit. He's everything you wanted in a man except he's a lying cheat....and you don't want that.

 

You know I was reading about how one MM was looking for an OW...but whenever he said he was married it put the women off. So he set out to lie about his marital status.

 

Then he said he'd be taking off his ring ...leave it at work and tell his wife he lost it..... and would look for an OW ....but not tell her he was married. All the other cheaters told him this was wrong and that he should stop looking for an OW in clubs and bars and try Ashley Madison or POF ....and be upfront.

 

Perhaps your Ex wanted someone else...alongside his wife and resorted to deception like the other MM, because he was getting knocked back.

 

Having been lied to in a similar fashion .... I know how hurtful it is.

[velvette]

It baffles me that a spouse could receive this kind of message and think that the person at the other end was lying to them. Who would ever go out of their way to make something up like that-- what would their motive be? That doesn't happen, except maybe from people with extreme mental health issues or delusional disorders, but it's pretty clear when an individual is suffering from those things.

 

People don't make this stuff up for sh*ts and giggles. Her response seems to me like a deep form of denial.

 

I think I'd provide something; a screen shot of texts or forwarded email or a photo of you two together romantically. Nothing over the top. The thing is this woman may drive herself crazy going back & forth on whether or not you're telling the truth so I think it may be kinder at this point to give her some kind of evidence, and leave it at that.

 

And I agree with your statement-- there's no 'right' way to do this, what is right is what felt right for you. I don't think text messages are ineffectual at all, again because... why would someone ever make such a thing up?! I'm so sorry this happened to you, you are a victim and deserve time to grieve,

 

 

You would think so, but it does happen. I worked in a large company that was majority women. Several times a year, I had to get involved in situations where people were harassing other people based on stuff they made up(or believed because they were mentally ill and misunderstood other peoples actions). You would be amazed at the delusional stuff people put their names to. And, that doesn't even begin to cover the stuff people report anonymously that cant be substantiated(whether or not its true.)

[Eighty_nine]

^thats true, but I still think it is incredibly rare and unusual.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

 

I would think it's very weird if someone contacted me (in my happy marriage) out of the blue saying "I bang your husband" and then refused to send anything my way suggesting the above happened.

 

Even dates or events would be significant to me.

 

Idk why you wouldn't send it along and expect her to believe you over her spouse who is gaslighting the crap out of her. And then kind of blame her for not automatically figuring it all out.

 

I don't see how much more time it would take.

 

It's good you said something to her (VERY GOOD) as opposed to nothing, but I don't get why there's any hesitation there at all. Especially when the d-bag is still contacting you!

[velvette]

^thats true, but I still think it is incredibly rare and unusual.

 

 

I think you missed my point. If you counted the anonymous stuff it wasn't rare and unusual. It happened all the time.

 

 

Some undoubtedly to get other people in trouble.

 

 

But, a lot the fallout of consensual relationships.

 

 

We(my peers and I) used to call it, "We used to be in love, now I'm not, you(meaning the manager) tell him/her."

 

 

It happened mainly with the 20/30 something crowd. Bizarre, but not rare.

[underpants]

I would think it's very weird if someone contacted me (in my happy marriage) out of the blue saying "I bang your husband" and then refused to send anything my way suggesting the above happened.

 

Even dates or events would be significant to me.

 

Idk why you wouldn't send it along and expect her to believe you over her spouse who is gaslighting the crap out of her. And then kind of blame her for not automatically figuring it all out.

 

I don't see how much more time it would take.

 

It's good you said something to her (VERY GOOD) as opposed to nothing, but I don't get why there's any hesitation there at all. Especially when the d-bag is still contacting you!

 

In my experience I sent a letter with dates, locations and specific body identifiers. Eventually made myself transparent (read vulnerable to who knew what blow back). The first reaction is denial. I feel like I accommodated more then enough and she still wanted to believe him. They did as far as I know break up for good, but I let that go the minute I knew I was being lied to in what I thought was the early stages with an available person. My motive was escape and perhaps helping someone else to as well. Not prove anything, I had my info.

 

The OP has been lied to for a year. She did what she could. Adding details, adds drama, exposes her to a potential unknown 2 or more front attack. Not to mention how she has to be grieving being deceived for a year and healing from a heartbreak spurn from deception. Staying in someone else's fight, keeps her from healing. That sucks.

 

In my case I did lay out the facts as I knew them and offered like op an alternate way to contact me. Wasn't enough, provided ...more. Wasn't enough...provided continued (unanswered contact)...wasn't enough... I changed my number and vanished. The paranoia was scary. Doing the right thing is scary.

 

OP, you threw her a life preserver and she refused to take it. She will think of you years later when she regrets her choices now. Or she may investigate. It is all on her now. Try to remove that poison from your system and carry on knowing you tried.

Edited April 20, 2016 by underpants

[2016forme]

I recently found out that I am the other woman. Via Facebook, of course. I'm still trying to process all the hurt and anger from it, but I have decided that I want to tell his wife, sometime this week.

 

Yes, there are reasons like, she deserves to know, her physical health and did I mention they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

I admit my reasons are also selfish. I'm going to be really honest here: I want to punish him. He does not know that I know as much as I do. So when I found out, he still lied to me about it all, making things infinitely worse. I feel so wronged. Cheated. Violated.

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

 

Greetings,

 

First I would like to say that I'm so sorry you are feeling angry and upset because you have discovered your MM's deceit and dishonesty. I do understand that you don't want to break up a marriage and rip a family apart. I'm glad that you discovered that your MM was lying to you. And if you continued to stay with him, the lies and deception would only get worse.

 

Is there a way that you can remain anonymous in telling your MM's wife that he has been cheating and lying to both you and her at the same time? And the fact that MM still lied to you just to get his way from you really shows you the low life mentality he has. MM is just trying to have the best of both worlds. He thinks that he's got game. Like he has his wife and family at home, and he have you on the side. I mean this is going to be a battle in which you have to decide for yourself "is it best for me to get some pressure off my chest and expose MM for who he really is? Or should I forgive myself and move on with my life even though the heart ache and pain is going to take some time to heal?"

 

Good luck with everything. No one should be angry with you because you are honest enough to tell the truth. I don't blame you for not wanting to be left alone in the dark anymore. Please keep us posted on the status of it all.

[elaine567]

Please keep us posted on the status of it all.

 

She already has done.

[1111volcano]

I would not tell her. You say you don't want to hurt her so let her find out what kind of scum he is on her own and go NC on him.