Going to tell his wife

[awomansworth]

WHY are you going to blame yourself? Sure it takes two to tangle BUT he is to blame for EVERYTHING. It is HIS marriage NOT yours. He probably sought you out as well. Hook line and sinker? I hardly see how this is YOUR fault. You may have made some poor choices based on the information you had at the time and/or amid all his lies to you but YOU are not to blame and DO NOT take the blame. She may be angry in the short term at you but at the end of the day he is the ONLY ONE to blame.

 

I blame myself maybe 10 percent as it is starting to subside.

 

I meant I'm prepared to take the blame from her because I expect it as a natural reaction. The more I discover about her... as creepy as that sounds... the more I think maybe she won't?

[awomansworth]

Make sure you have all the texts ready and printed out. If you do end up meeting her face to face, you can show her your phone and texts too.

 

He is the worst and I hope for his sake he comes clean to his wife before she hears it from you. but I doubt he has the courage to do that.

 

Nope. Based on her posts from last night and today, she is still very much in love and has no idea. He is actually in SD right now. Lots of photos of them and baby at the beach.

 

I feel sick.

[SSJROMANCE]

Nope. Based on her posts from last night and today, she is still very much in love and has no idea. He is actually in SD right now. Lots of photos of them and baby at the beach.

 

I feel sick.

 

Not as sick as he will be feeling after Friday.

[Midwestmissy]

Garden variety nosiness. She sent me one email early on asking me to meet with wh, her and her bh so we could all discuss. They were still claiming it was ea only, so I would have been humiliated. She and wh were sharing the detail of the sex and she was happy to lie for him (this was 6 months after it all ended). I never responded and I've never heard from her. In 18 mos she's contacted wh a few times via phone & email (she called from an unblocked number, I was in the car) and showed up at a few events he attended. No drama, I think curiosity. She seems to behave like they're old friends. He said she thought of herself as the "cool girl" so acted like that. Cool like cheating and not having it affect her life.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey girl,

 

I just wanted to check in with you. Breathe. You can do this. You sound strong and fierce AF. By the time I was a week and change out from finding out like you are, I had already had an ER visit. And I couldn’t even think clearly about myself, let alone helping out the W by telling her.

 

DO NOT listen to what he has to say. Please. I know that it seems cut and dry now, but you were with this man for a year. Those feelings for most of us don’t just go away. You will want answers and you will want to know that it wasn’t all fake. It probably wasn’t all fake. But he is. And he is dangerous to have dents for so long.

 

I got drawn back in just by giving him one day, one chance to talk. I blocked him right away at first, then a few days after the ER visit, hopped up on heart and anxiety meds and alone with a broken heart, I decided I wanted answers. So we talked for a few days and he kept convincing me that everything was going to be made right and he has really screwed up and all that. About a week later, I was done with his noise and lies. I left to visit my brother who lives an hours flight away and told him to stay away from me and knew he wouldn’t show up to my brothers place. Another week or so later, I realized my period was late. I chalked it up to stress as I had been told (and now confirmed) that fertility is and issue, but furthermore, we used condoms. When it was about twelve days late, I freaked out and contacted him. He was there for me, and it helped…except that he was going to London on vacation with his W in the next couple of days, while I was at my brother’ place, not being able to tell anyone and freaking out. It actually turned out that my first ever (miracle/highly improbable) pregnancy (maybe last) had resulted in an early missed miscarriage that did not expel from my body. I was terrified of being pregnant, as in my culture and family that would just not be accepted, nor did I feel ready, but I was not expecting the crushing weight of losing something I didn’t know I had or wanted too a huge toll on me. And the fact that he was married and not even actually my boyfriend made it feel that much sadder and dirtier and somehow sadly justified. He was there for me at that time, still on the phone with me for about one to two hours a night after his wife went to sleep WHILE he was on vacation. Those couple of weeks really messed me up, I think. She found out around the same time. Anyway, I still think that without the trauma of the miscarriage, if I had just allowed myself to talk to him, he would have pulled me back in anyway because i loved him so very much. All those ridiculous “soulmate” affairy-type feelings, except I had no idea I was in one.

 

You have to realize that at this moment, you feel like an OW, but more than that, you are a betrayed. A victim. And you WILL emotionally bargain, regardless of going through something extra like I did. Don’t listen to what he has to say, because you might want to believe in it. The truth is, you didn’t know for a year that he was married, so in that year, whatever his “situation” may be, he could have resolved before you ever knew. Or let you go under the guise of something else because he cared for you and wanted better for you. That is how I felt, and still feel, anyway.

 

And you not knowing seems even more plausible than most. He had a separate home that you have visited. In my case, we were a bit of long distance, but even the first month we were together, he was with me for about 14-16 days of that month at MY place/vacation, no chance of going home. I also met his mother the same day I met him. So sometimes you just can’t know.

 

You are angry now, and hold on to that. The rollercoaster will come, but you have to fight it. Otherwise you might end up wasting another year of your life like I just have. You seem to be a much stronger, braver woman than me. Some days you won’t feel like it at all, but know that you are. Because we all do, in case you didn’t notice.

 

If he wants you, he will make it right before he comes to you with any BULLS**T reasons or plans. He will come to you showing you that he can me it right, not just tell you he can make it right.

 

I am so sorry for rambling. I really want you to stay strong and be rid of him. And this has also been a big trigger for me as I have just passed the anniversary of my DDay, so I am just telling you everything I can.

 

Most of all, that you are much stronger than me and you WILL make it. You came to the right place!

 

Lots of love and major strength.

[yodelwithyu]

Also, just a quick note…yes, you are going to help his wife if she doesn’t already know, but exposing him and making him fearful or under watch 24/7 might also stop him from doing what he did to you to another unsuspecting victim. So by telling the wife, you may be helping more than one person. Furthermore, if there are OTHER other women presently, you might inadvertently be helping them too.

[BuddyX]

He's pathetic. He tells you "I love you".

Once you drop the hammer, he'll tell his wife "Oh, her? She means nothing to me". I guarantee it.

 

Stick to your plan. The more you check FB and the more you read his text the more likely you'll justify his actions.

 

We're all in agreement here, you are not the OW. He's just scum.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you don't mind, what was the total fluke?

 

I feel like it happens that way more than a cheating spouse actually confessing to it.

 

I think me finding out via FB was in a way a fluke. She showed up on my people you may know. If she hadn't, I don't know how long it would have taken for me to discover it.

 

It sounds WAY WAY WAY worse than it actually is.

 

He was using a wireless signal at an internet café in a small town after it was closed to communicate with OW.

 

And, well, the craziest thing. A police officer came up and asked him what he was doing and arrested him for "unauthorized use of a telecommunication signal."

 

Seriously. So then the "what were you doing there? Why? Why did they seize the computer?" Questions started flowing.

 

The charges were dropped (quickly). I spoke with the processing officers and they agreed that's exactly what happened but the cafe owners said it was fine so there wasn't even a "victim" to the "crime." It was an open signal and an old cop who didn't get how all of that was supposed to work.

 

So.......when we got the computer back I checked it because the whole thing just seemed way too weird to me. And that's when his cheating garbage cane right out. Otherwise he would have had time to wipe it etc. Which he totally knows how to do.

[yodelwithyu]

It sounds WAY WAY WAY worse than it actually is.

 

He was using a wireless signal at an internet café in a small town after it was closed to communicate with OW.

 

And, well, the craziest thing. A police officer came up and asked him what he was doing and arrested him for "unauthorized use of a telecommunication signal."

 

Seriously. So then the "what were you doing there? Why? Why did they seize the computer?" Questions started flowing.

 

The charges were dropped (quickly). I spoke with the processing officers and they agreed that's exactly what happened but the cafe owners said it was fine so there wasn't even a "victim" to the "crime." It was an open signal and an old cop who didn't get how all of that was supposed to work.

 

So.......when we got the computer back I checked it because the whole thing just seemed way too weird to me. And that's when his cheating garbage cane right out. Otherwise he would have had time to wipe it etc. Which he totally knows how to do.

 

Uh. That sh*t CRAY. Damn.

 

I am sure it taught him a friggin' good lesson!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Uh. That sh*t CRAY. Damn.

 

I am sure it taught him a friggin' good lesson!!

 

You would think so, wouldn't you?

[stillafool]

Women are like cops. They can have all the evidence in the world but they still need a confession.

 

 

I love your signature. It's sooo true.

 

In a weird way it applies to me too. Even though all over her FB it definitely says they are married, and even though I'm NC, I still want to know his side of the story. What's wrong with me?

 

His side of the story is pretty simple and self explanatory. He wants his cake and eat it too. He is away during the week in a city like LA with thousands of beautiful women so he plays the bachelor. It's a perfect set up for anyone who wants to play around on the side.

[stillafool]

Also, just a quick note…yes, you are going to help his wife if she doesn’t already know, but exposing him and making him fearful or under watch 24/7 might also stop him from doing what he did to you to another unsuspecting victim. So by telling the wife, you may be helping more than one person. Furthermore, if there are OTHER other women presently, you might inadvertently be helping them too.

 

I agree with the above. I'm sure after you tell her she will go on the hunt to find the others. His little love nest is going to be blown sky high. She may make him give up his apartment in L.A. and stay in a room she picks out.

[HappyAgain2014]

After you tell her, do not alert him or speak to him again. It would only increase the chances of him successfully gaslighting his wife if he knows what you told her. Let him be in the dark for once.

 

Once she knows, step permanently out of their lives. If not for yourself, for her.

 

I gave the wife of xMM the opportunity to ask me anything and provided the details she wanted. Most importantly, I assured her I would not have any contact with him.

[bathtub-row]

Just my thoughts on your timeline to break the news to his wife. I say wait until they close on the house and are moved in. Then drop the hammer. Just let her have this moment of joy before her world falls apart.

[CarrieT]

Just my thoughts on your timeline to break the news to his wife. I say wait until they close on the house and are moved in. Then drop the hammer. Just let her have this moment of joy before her world falls apart.

 

Disagree. There will always be "one more thing" to wait for. Right now, the OP is waiting until Friday so that it won't impact the woman's work week.

 

Then there is a house to wait for?

 

What next - a baby? a big vacation?

 

Welcome to Life = where there is always SOMETHING....

[Sub]

Just my thoughts on your timeline to break the news to his wife. I say wait until they close on the house and are moved in. Then drop the hammer. Just let her have this moment of joy before her world falls apart.

 

I can't disagree more, unless this is sarcasm. You're proposing having her become even more emotionally and financially invested in something that's going to most likely fall apart. The higher she gets, the more painful the fall, IMO.

[13Hearts]

Sorry, no.

 

I have a friend that takes pictures of his lunch at least a couple times a week on puts it on FB. I don't quite get the point but I bet it isn't to get all of the peanut butter sandwiches to back off.

 

I used to publicly post really happy positive things about the great guy I was married to / and the little daughter I have.

 

Those posts stopped, instantly on DDAY. Of course I love my daughter etc. But the whole Activity just soured for me. I wasn't proud of having a family with this guy anymore. It was totally stripped away that day. I built a life with him believing he was a real husband with real feelings for me. That dissolved and just left me feeling embarrassed for ever trusting anyone so much.

 

Now I wonder if any OW ever looked up my FB.

Life sucks when you figure out that everything you believed in was a lie. Been there, done that, hated it. Now I just don't believe in other people. If I am to be happy, that is 100% on me.

 

Of course they looked you up on FB. They wanted to know the truth.

[13Hearts]

This was very helpful, thank you so much. I have already created a new email address.

 

This is taking such a toll on me.

 

I'm so sorry. You may want to read about character disturbance. There are a couple good authors out there; my favorite is George Simon. You can even find his book In Sheep's Clothing on-line (Google it). I devoured that book. It really helps you get smart about people who are not on the up-and-up. A real eye-opener.

[Poppy47]

Just my thoughts on your timeline to break the news to his wife. I say wait until they close on the house and are moved in. Then drop the hammer. Just let her have this moment of joy before her world falls apart.

 

Don't do this. The wife might not want to buy a new home with him when she finds out.

 

Poppy

[13Hearts]

Thank you once again everyone for all of your continued support. You have no idea how much I needed it this morning. I'm taking everything into consideration and so many of your posts have opened my eyes.

 

*Update*

 

After a few days of NC, he texted me last night saying:

 

"It's not what you think it is. I need time to explain it all to you and you will understand. Please give me time. I love you."

 

I don't know what that even means. Anyhow, I didn't respond.

 

As for telling her, I'm trying to figure out where I should contact her. I believe it is him who blocked me on her Facebook, so I want to find a communication channel where he doesn't have access and won't intercept my message or call.

 

The only place I can think of is her work. I have the number and I think I figured out her email address, but is contacting her at her at work in poor taste? I also have her personal email address, but he might have access to that too.

Don't tell her at work. Call her in the morning and ask to meet with her at lunchtime or right after work.

[sandylee1]

I blame myself maybe 10 percent as it is starting to subside.

 

I meant I'm prepared to take the blame from her because I expect it as a natural reaction. The more I discover about her... as creepy as that sounds... the more I think maybe she won't?

 

Please please do not believe this was your fault. It wasn't. We have to have some trust in human kind... otherwise it would be an awful place to be.

 

You were deceived... you are decent... you have integrity.... you're a good person who was deceived by this sleezy chap.

 

If there's one thing I want you to remember... it's that you have NO blame here.. none whatsoever.

[Cappycorny]

I'd not tell the wife. I see your points but seriously, you think she's going to leave him? I highly doubt it. This may change the dynamics of trust in the marriage of you did tell her, but most don't leave. She will probably forgive him anyway and move forward with the life she has dreamed of. You on the other hand are thrown to the trash. Sounds harsh but I'm finding that to be true. At least in my case when suddenly he ended it because he was so afraid of his wife making a discovery. And what does that say? It's says I was a play toy which I sort of already knew But what I did not know was how much that would slap me across the face emotionally with an abrupt end. I now struggle even more so with my self selesteem. So how in given time you need to forget and close the door. Good luck. I know it hurts.

[elaine567]

I'd not tell the wife. I see your points but seriously, you think she's going to leave him? I highly doubt it. This may change the dynamics of trust in the marriage of you did tell her, but most don't leave. She will probably forgive him anyway and move forward with the life she has dreamed of. You on the other hand are thrown to the trash. Sounds harsh but I'm finding that to be true. At least in my case when suddenly he ended it because he was so afraid of his wife making a discovery. And what does that say? It's says I was a play toy which I sort of already knew But what I did not know was how much that would slap me across the face emotionally with an abrupt end. I now struggle even more so with my self selesteem. So how in given time you need to forget and close the door. Good luck. I know it hurts.

 

The purpose of telling the wife is not to get her to leave him, merely to make her aware of the situation, so that she doesn't rush headlong into buying the house and having more kids as they have planned - she needs to know here. What she does with that info is up to her but at least she will be aware.

This man was leading a double life in a different cities, with neither women being aware of the other - not the usual MM/OW scenario.

The OP here is completely blameless.

[HappyAgain2014]

I'd not tell the wife. I see your points but seriously, you think she's going to leave him? I highly doubt it. This may change the dynamics of trust in the marriage of you did tell her, but most don't leave. She will probably forgive him anyway and move forward with the life she has dreamed of. You on the other hand are thrown to the trash. Sounds harsh but I'm finding that to be true. At least in my case when suddenly he ended it because he was so afraid of his wife making a discovery. And what does that say? It's says I was a play toy which I sort of already knew But what I did not know was how much that would slap me across the face emotionally with an abrupt end. I now struggle even more so with my self selesteem. So how in given time you need to forget and close the door. Good luck. I know it hurts.

 

Your comment speaks to motivation. Most BS don't care whether an OW is selfish (hoping he leaves or gets the boot) or altruistic. They just want to know.

 

I think motives are important because they tend to dictate how the information is shared. Those with genuine motives are honest and don't continue the affair. Those who want to punish the MM, want to get him by default, or those who are plain nuts are the ones I worry about. It's bad enough to get the news your husband is a lying cheater nevermind worry about some bunny boiler in your life.

 

Keeping secrets is misplaced loyalty that most OWs won't ever get in return from a MM. Most OWs won't disclose because they are also married or because they know it will seal the deal on him ever leaving.

 

I opted to tell the truth to finally do the right thing. I didn't spin anything or play games. I've never regretted telling his wife.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

OP, there is a long thread on here some years back of an OW who was lied to and told the BS. If memory serves I do think she continued the A for sometime after finding out. Another "old timer" could verify but I think her screen name was Lady Grey. WWIU??? Do you remember?