Going to tell his wife

[LivingWaterPlease]

Everything you've done has been honest, out in the open, in the light, if you will. In your place, I'd keep it so and would tell his wife. It's congruent with the way you've conducted yourself in this R you've had with him.

 

You've never been an OW. You've been a victim, just as his wife has been.

 

If someone else had known all along that he was M and could have told you would you have wanted them to?

 

Then do the same for his wife and do it in the way you'd want to be told.

[ladydesigner]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but I do want to say how admirable your actions have been thus far. Also you have NOT done anything wrong here. This is VERY different from knowingly dating or sleeping with a married man, and the fact that you had the strength to leave after a year long relationship is amazing. You are a strong lady!

 

That said, I agree that she deserves to know. Whatever your motives are in this particular case, she definitely needs to know before they bring another child into that sham of a marriage. For all you know, he could have a new girlfriend by now, or several. He could be bringing STDs into his house.

 

Please be gentle though. The OW in my case was not, to say the very least. Truth be told though, I don't even think of you as an OW. I know you identify as one but you don't have to.

 

Just wanted to second this^ I agree OP you are a strong and compassionate lady. I admire you. Don't take any of this year as a reflection of yourself, it is a total reflection on him. The way you handled the ending was swift and with dignity.

[awomansworth]

thank you everyone for all the continued responses and support. all of it means so much to me.

 

I have spent the afternoon figuring out how what words i will use to tell her and nothing is coming out. There's no easy way to say it. I have made up my mind that I will do this. I just don't know how...

[awomansworth]

I know I should stop looking at her FB. But the more I look, the more things are making sense. I just saw photos of them on a date from a few weeks ago. I remember now. I was sick that night. He said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me, that he'd have dropped by and brought me medicine and food, but he was stuck at work overnight.

 

I am starting to hate him more and more.

[ladydesigner]

I know I should stop looking at her FB. But the more I look, the more things are making sense. I just saw photos of them on a date from a few weeks ago. I remember now. I was sick that night. He said he was sorry he couldn't be there for me, that he'd have dropped by and brought me medicine and food, but he was stuck at work overnight.

 

I am starting to hate him more and more.

 

Better this than the longing feelings. When you do start longing for him, remind yourself of who he really is.

[whichwayisup]

She only found out a week ago that SHE is the OW and stopped seeing him immediately.

 

POppy

 

My mistake, sorry awomansworth.

[heartwhole]

That is just so awful. You mustn't blame yourself. You obviously met quite a skilled manipulator and liar.

 

I'm a betrayed wife as well, and I would also want to know. I have a right to know what's really going on in my life.

 

My husband is not a particularly good liar and I could tell things were weird. When he lies he looks like he's trying to hold a fart in, ha. His relationship with the OW was "special" because they fell in love, yadda yadda yadda. So anyway, I did have some idea that something was off but never imagined it could be a secret girlfriend.

 

In this woman's case, she's clearly married to a pathological liar. So this is going to be like one of those Lifetime Movies where you think you have the perfect husband and find out he's unimaginably horrible. She will likely be in denial and put up a lot of walls to keep herself from facing that. That's understandable and you mustn't concern yourself with that. Just be prepared that she will likely blame you, at least at first, because the truth is too awful.

 

I still believe that you have a moral obligation to tell her. And you mustn't hold yourself responsible for her pain and messed up life in any way. You had no way of knowing. Like her, you took this man at his word. Too bad his word is worthless.

[awomansworth]

That is just so awful. You mustn't blame yourself. You obviously met quite a skilled manipulator and liar.

 

I'm a betrayed wife as well, and I would also want to know. I have a right to know what's really going on in my life.

 

My husband is not a particularly good liar and I could tell things were weird. When he lies he looks like he's trying to hold a fart in, ha. His relationship with the OW was "special" because they fell in love, yadda yadda yadda. So anyway, I did have some idea that something was off but never imagined it could be a secret girlfriend.

 

In this woman's case, she's clearly married to a pathological liar. So this is going to be like one of those Lifetime Movies where you think you have the perfect husband and find out he's unimaginably horrible. She will likely be in denial and put up a lot of walls to keep herself from facing that. That's understandable and you mustn't concern yourself with that. Just be prepared that she will likely blame you, at least at first, because the truth is too awful.

 

I still believe that you have a moral obligation to tell her. And you mustn't hold yourself responsible for her pain and messed up life in any way. You had no way of knowing. Like her, you took this man at his word. Too bad his word is worthless.

 

I have prepared myself for the blame. This is not going to be pretty if she does blame me.

 

May I ask, why did you stay?

[ChickiePops]

Also, and my apologies if this is OT, but I'd just like to point out that no BS WANTS to know about an affair. It's that they deserve to know the truth about their own lives and make an informed decision about whether or not to remain in their marriage.

[Red123]

I agree with the above. She will be pissed but will not leave him. He will lie and she will want to believe his lies in order to keep her family and life together. Saying all of that I still think she should know.

 

I also agree that he will lie, they all do at first IME. However, as a bs if I had have received information about my H having an A, even if I didn't say to the source oh thank you I believe you fully, I would look into it. Once it has been said she will most likely start to dig a bit, and usually that leads to more info being found.

[Maddieandtae]

Hi awomansworth,

 

From my experience as an betrayed wife I so wish someone had told me, the suspicions and trying to hunt down information in the days before social media and cell phones was frustrating. It took some time but my ex-husband gaslighted the hell out of me before the truth was told. Instead of leaving I went down an self destructive path and had an revenge affair. Revenge turned out to be on me as I had left one cheating relationship into another and was right back to trying to find out if I was being cheated on. What a mess, it took me years to recover not at the fault of anyone but me. I can't tell you which way to go, just that maybe just maybe the BS in this situation will hear what you have to say and be appreciative of the information they are provided. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this mess:(

[heartwhole]

I have prepared myself for the blame. This is not going to be pretty if she does blame me.

 

May I ask, why did you stay?

 

One of the reasons I am staying is that my husband is not a pathological liar or serial cheater. He didn't lie easily; he felt guilty, he started drinking heavily, he couldn't sleep. He had little rules for himself like never leading on the OW or never lying directly to me. Not that these make him some stellar, upright guy, but they at least indicate that he has a conscience and knows right from wrong. If it turned out I was married to a man with no conscience, I would be out of there stat.

 

I've got all the usual reasons for staying -- love, kids, well-matched, we've grown from this, better boundaries now, etc. etc. But the truth is, I stay because I want to. This past year has been immensely hard, but the love is still there, and now we are working on all the issues (and most importantly, he is working on all his issues) that we just sort of winged before. I am someone who must face things head on, over and over, until I have made peace with them. That has made for some pretty intense emotional work over here, but we are doing it. I would only stay if I could have reasonable hope that weaknesses could be shored up, wounds could be healed, dynamics could be renegotiated. And with a man like your MM, no reasonable person could have any hope for redemption or growth. He sounds like a psychopath IMO.

 

ETA: A contributing factor is that OW lives halfway across the world. So while it was a PA when they coordinated to meet up while he was on a business trip, it was mostly a long-distance, fantasy relationship. If he was sneaking around meeting up with her right here in our hometown behind my back week after week, I think I'd feel differently. I don't know why. Maybe that's silly.

Edited March 15, 2016 by heartwhole

[SoleMate]

I agree that the feelings of an innocent 3rd party should be considered where possible. However, it's not even clear whether the more considerate action is to tell or not to tell. You don't have all the info (like his possible prior cheating or her serious chronic illness or ?) and you also don't know the future, so you can't possibly say which path has less pain for the BS. Many BS say that one of the hardest things is the length of time cheating has gone on with no one blowing the whistle. I'd be tempted to reveal, however I'd do it with no expectation about what her (or his) reaction or response might be. I'd just do it and then move on.

 

Yes, he'll inevitably trot out all the cliches about how you're a nut who pursued him and blackmailed him for attention, etc. etc. etc......so what. You won't be there to have to listen to them and will know that you did what you could to get the truth to the BS. Sorry for your pain and so glad to hear you dumped him cold.

[S2B]

I'd consider delivering an envelope to her personally. Include evidence - otherwise she may quickly move to denial and justification.

 

Do you have any cards he wrote? Pictures taken? You need to leave her with something to view later - so she can't deny it to herself. Also so he won't be capable of saying you're lying.

 

 

Did he take you out? Was there a credit card used? How could he have never taken you to "his place" in a whole year? Did he stay the night at your place? Did he ever receive phone calls that went unexplained?

 

Did you wonder throughout that years time?

[Joie]

I am also a BS. I wouldn't not want the OW to tell me. However, YOUR case is different. As other posters have stated you are not really an OW. You are probably closer to a BS. I didn't want to hear anything the OW said because she knew my husband was married, she knew we had children, she knew me to some degree. That is not what happened to you. You did nothing wrong. You should tell the BS.

 

Please don't be concerned with what she or he do after you notify her. That is not your concern.

 

Just let her know that you have been dating him for the last year. That you believed it was an exclusive relationship. You have just discovered he was married. That you ended your relationship immediately upon finding out but you wanted her to know so she could make her own decision. Then let her know if she wants any additional information she can follow up with you.

 

I am sorry this happened to you.

[13Hearts]

I'm not sure what words you should say, but I do imagine it would be best just to tell her exactly what you told us. Keep it short and simple, let her react. Give her a few moments to ask questions, get through her initial emotions, and then leave her with your phone number or an email address (create a new one; don't give her your existing one in case she goes nutso on you), and tell her if she has any questions she can call or email you. Then leave it at that. I wouldn't go into a bunch of detail unless answering specific questions from her. If and when you meet her, you should bring a girlfriend along with you, and meet in a public place but where she can have some privacy, like a restaurant with booths or something.

[sandylee1]

Having been lied to in the same way years ago...... I understand how you feel. Difference is that he had a long term girlfriend... I was a lot younger then. As soon as I found out I ended the relationship.

 

You were deceived... it's not your fault and you have absolutely NO BLAME HERE.

 

You should tell her and let her decide what to do. Many OW think the minute they find out the man should get kicked out and start saying how she's accepting it and she's forgiven him. Just because he's not been booted out doesn't mean it's all hunky dory.

 

It's such a shock and quite often she's still trying to wrap her head round it all. Even if she knows she wants to leave... she has to sort out finances and other things.

 

You can tell her by gathering evidence....which would be emails ...text messages (take screenshots), describe ( in a letter) their other house and describe how and when you found out about her on FB and the lie he spun. Say how you ended it IMMEDIATELY.

 

Then say how you were going to leave it.. but seeing her posts about future plans you felt she ought to know.

 

Include a contact number or email address she can contact you on for further information

 

Start the letter with... I'm sorry to have to tell you this......but

 

You have nothing to feel bad about.... you would be doing the right thing.

 

Sorry that you had the misfortune to meet such a deceitful low life.....but telling his wife is absolutely the RIGHT thing to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please be careful with this. You could blow up this woman's whole world and she is still a mom to those children. I would confront him first and then tell him if he doesn't stay away from you that you will tell her.

 

I do believe that she has a right to know. I would. But when there are children involved it's a game changer. Kids need structure and you don't know what's going to happen if you tell her. Also see what other people on here say too. And btw I'm not saying to protect him because it's one thing to have an affair when you know the man is married but you didn't know and that's awful.

 

HE blew up his wife and children's world, as well as the OP's.

 

As a BW, she has the right to know. And the OP is going down the right path.

 

By warning the idiot, it only gives him time to get to his wife first and make her out to be "crazy."

 

This guy is a very seasoned liar who is very good at compartmentalizing and hiding.

 

He will only destroy his wife first if he has "prep time" to deal with this.

[dreamingoftigers]

What if, in some twisted turn of events, she actually already knew? And that's why she's making the whole world think they have the perfect marriage? I know people who create a very happy image of their lives online, but in real life they're some of the unhappiest and most unfulfilled people I know.

 

Do most BS typically know or at least have suspicions? I want to be prepared for that too.

 

No.

 

Often we are blindsided by the same loser you were.

 

My husband was VERY VERY smooth. He just fit his playing around into his daily routine.

 

I only found out because of a total fluke that he nor I could have ever predicted.

 

Honestly. He could have lied to me for easily a decade or two and I would have thought he was a saint. He got busted in another city. Totally totally crazy circumstances.

[dreamingoftigers]

I thought about that. It does seem a bit excessive - breakfast in bed...

Perhaps she already knows about his cheating ways and is making a big show of her marriage on FB to tell the OW(s) out there he is hers, and to back off.. the OP may not be his first outing away from home...

 

Sorry, no.

 

I have a friend that takes pictures of his lunch at least a couple times a week on puts it on FB. I don't quite get the point but I bet it isn't to get all of the peanut butter sandwiches to back off.

 

I used to publicly post really happy positive things about the great guy I was married to / and the little daughter I have.

 

Those posts stopped, instantly on DDAY. Of course I love my daughter etc. But the whole Activity just soured for me. I wasn't proud of having a family with this guy anymore. It was totally stripped away that day. I built a life with him believing he was a real husband with real feelings for me. That dissolved and just left me feeling embarrassed for ever trusting anyone so much.

 

Now I wonder if any OW ever looked up my FB.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have prepared myself for the blame. This is not going to be pretty if she does blame me.

 

May I ask, why did you stay?

 

Honestly, she might at first but that would be purely reflexive.

 

She's been with this dude a long time and he's clearly polished his game. She isn't going to be able to see it right away unless there have already been clues.

 

My boss is outright betraying his wife, but it all fits within the confines of his job. There's no actual reason to suspect. It's awful. She is struggling with her health and he's just playing single. Totally sickening. I only found out because of his sloppiness. But she isn't working in his home-office so she wouldn't see the same trail I do. Everything can be excused away by "working" and with her being so so so sick (even kidney infection followed by diabetes complications etc) she doesn't have the wherewithal to really track it all. He totally fails as a husband, and at the risk of being a judgmental pig, he fails as a human being too. She's so lonely and he just plays her.

 

Two months until mat leave for me. I won't go back there to work. I don't want to make him anymore money to go play around on his wife with. I've known them both for almost a decade and speak with her everyday. His dishonest conduct is actually eating AT ME because I witness the BS first-hand.

 

But if I told her, I know she would defend him straight-away. My mother defended my father straight-away.

 

Me, I just about chucked my husband out the nearest window because my father was a total Rat-Bastard and I knew that my mother followed him, believing him every step of the way while he pissed on her heart.

[dreamingoftigers]

Having been lied to in the same way years ago...... I understand how you feel. Difference is that he had a long term girlfriend... I was a lot younger then. As soon as I found out I ended the relationship.

 

You were deceived... it's not your fault and you have absolutely NO BLAME HERE.

 

You should tell her and let her decide what to do. Many OW think the minute they find out the man should get kicked out and start saying how she's accepting it and she's forgiven him. Just because he's not been booted out doesn't mean it's all hunky dory.

 

It's such a shock and quite often she's still trying to wrap her head round it all. Even if she knows she wants to leave... she has to sort out finances and other things.

 

You can tell her by gathering evidence....which would be emails ...text messages (take screenshots), describe ( in a letter) their other house and describe how and when you found out about her on FB and the lie he spun. Say how you ended it IMMEDIATELY.

 

Then say how you were going to leave it.. but seeing her posts about future plans you felt she ought to know.

 

Include a contact number or email address she can contact you on for further information

 

Start the letter with... I'm sorry to have to tell you this......but

 

You have nothing to feel bad about.... you would be doing the right thing.

 

Sorry that you had the misfortune to meet such a deceitful low life.....but telling his wife is absolutely the RIGHT thing to do.

 

Give her the link to the thread too, so she can see you considered what to do before providing her with the evidence. Plus. She can get support here.

[Midwestmissy]

I had to close my fb account. I had only about 200 friends/relatives, but when the mow started popping up as someone I might know, I switched to a different name and keep about 50 friends and keep it private, both by privacy options and not posting anything other than funny stories about boneheaded things I do. It's very light. Takes up a less time now too. Then she showed up on my LinkedIn, (remember, I'm a spoiled housewife who lunches) and I blocked there - she was hovering near my work (yes I work lol) and I didn't need that. I've since moved very far away (it was a planned moved, not because of the a) so she's not a physical nuisance to me anymore. Driving past my house, all that nonsense, it's over. If she managed to find me now, I'd be so impressed I'd ask her in for coffee, because tenacity, wow. It won't happen. I cut out a lot of in laws etc who happily blabbed our latest news to her (it's a pretty talky industry, mostly women). So now I'm in another world, went from downtown living to farm country, in a different country. Also, I don't think she's dangerous, just nosy and not very savvy. I travel back to that city very regularly for events etc, so running into her is a possibility there. But I think she's moved on to another marriage, I'm probably not on her radar anymore.

[HereNorThere]

Give her the link to the thread too, so she can see you considered what to do before providing her with the evidence. Plus. She can get support here.

 

I thought about the idea of giving her a link to the thread as well, but A) she brings up the word "revenge" and that will be used against her, no doubt B) she obviously needs a place to vent and support and giving the BS a link to this thread will take away her anonymity and make her less likely to post her true feelings.

 

 

OP, it's not your job to convince this woman of anything. You simply write a short paragraph explaining what happened and offer to provide any evidence or answer any questions that she may have.

[Midwestmissy]

She'll be humiliated if she knows all these strangers were weighing in on her marriage, health, mothering, sanity, right to know etc. That's pretty violating when added to the betrayal. Facts, no emotions, email or phone number if she needs to contact you. And compassion.