Struggling with feeling no connection to men I date

[loveweary11]

When I was younger and some girls were "looking for a connection" I would announce that I had a connection for them, while I pointed at my pants.

Ok, I still do that now too.

 

Your post reminded me of a recent meme for some reason.

 

https://whisper.sh/whisper/052819a435d28b6accac1cbe0807b06331ad64/She-said--i-want-a-RingI-said-bitch-take-your-phone-off-sile

[Leigh 87]

I think we all found it hard to find the connection until we found the right person.

 

It just happens later in life for some of us.

[BluEyeL]

When I was dating, I did tend to go out with men for multiple dates, somewhere between 4-9, if there was something about them (with some I'd only go once) until I would decide to end it because most of the time connection never developed, until it did. I'd rather "waste time" than lose the one. But it's highly personal, so no one way is best. '

 

ES, for you, based on your writing/personality, I tend to recommend just waiting for that chemistry to come instantly and everything to align right away. If you put yourself out there enough, there is a chance.

Edited February 17, 2016 by BluEyeL

[AMJ]

When I was dating, I did tend to go out with men for multiple dates, somewhere between 4-9, if there was something about them (with some I'd only go once) until I would decide to end it because most of the time connection never developed, until it did. I'd rather "waste time" than lose the one. But it's highly personal, so no one way is best. '

 

ES, for you, based on your writing/personality, I tend to recommend just waiting for that chemistry to come instantly and everything to align right away. If you put yourself out there enough, there is a chance.

 

For me, the times there was instant chemistry, were the times that the relationship ended miserably. The friends I have who are in happy, stable relationships developed chemistry over time, never right away. So while it's much more exciting to get that instant spark, I don't think it's as important as I used to. If I think a guy is nice, I'll go out with him at least 3 times. I feel like after 3-4 dates with someone, something should develop. And it's soon enough to where there doesn't have to be some serious breakup conversation.

[Redhead14]

When I was dating, I did tend to go out with men for multiple dates, somewhere between 4-9, if there was something about them (with some I'd only go once) until I would decide to end it because most of the time connection never developed, until it did. I'd rather "waste time" than lose the one. But it's highly personal, so no one way is best. '

 

ES, for you, based on your writing/personality, I tend to recommend just waiting for that chemistry to come instantly and everything to align right away. If you put yourself out there enough, there is a chance.

 

Hey, BlueEyeL, good to "see" you! The OP apparently has a PhD and maybe operates, by default, on a more intellectual level and is, perhaps, a little emotionally myopic as I called it earlier in the thread. So, I'm leaning more toward her going the way you did for yourself. And, if she can get the intellectual side and the emotional side more in synch, she may start seeing better results on the dating front. But, for now, I think she should step back from the dating scene for a while only because she's feeling a little deflated.

[BluEyeL]

For me, the times there was instant chemistry, were the times that the relationship ended miserably. The friends I have who are in happy, stable relationships developed chemistry over time, never right away. So while it's much more exciting to get that instant spark, I don't think it's as important as I used to. If I think a guy is nice, I'll go out with him at least 3 times. I feel like after 3-4 dates with someone, something should develop. And it's soon enough to where there doesn't have to be some serious breakup conversation.

 

I've never had instant chemistry to anyone in my life. I've been married and I've been on tens of dates. I did not have instant chemistry with my ex husband either.

 

Maybe i don't understand what people mean by chemistry. I mean I never want to kiss and/or have sex with someone I just met, no matter who they are. I don't like to touch people I don't know well, that's why I couldn't ever be a doctor. Why would I feel like touching a stranger.

 

But if there is "something" that speaks to me about a person, I'll go for learning more. With some eventually I got turned off after spending more time with them, and with one of them I got more turned on. But with everyone I've been on 2,3,4 dates with, there was "something" that spoke to me initially.

[abby_tx]

It was this way for me for about three years. You start questioning yourself, thinking you're too picky or have some sort of flaw that makes you incapable of connecting with someone. You can't really force a spark, but you can put yourself in more situations where you'd have the potential to meet new people that you might have a spark with. It sucks, but eventually you'll find what you're looking for.

[Redhead14]

Something that prevents or inhibits the ability to have/feel chemistry is not being in the moment, focused on the date just for the company, a little fun. Some people are over-thinking, thinking too far ahead, dwelling on every little misstep, listening too intently for things that they feel are going to be issues, nit picking, etc. in their heads. They are distracted and/or aren't really relaxed. So when all that's going on it prevents the connection from happening quickly at least. On a first date, leave all the over-thinking, high expectations and distractions at home. Relax. Let the chemistry happen if it's going to. The next few dates can be used for getting into nitty gritty things, and depending on the level of chemistry and attraction, some of those things may not necessarily be a problem because of that. I'm not talking about blatant deal breakers, of course.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I was afraid to open this thread because people tend to be pretty cruel but I am suprised at the great responses. Thanks

 

I think Anela is partly right that my current mindset is not good for dating. I am somewhat depressed due to a number of issues (loss in the family and bad living situation - long story). At least there is an end to the living situation in sight so I will give myself a break from dating till then. Still this is a long standing problem for me to some extent.

 

Something that Ariadne said and that I fully agree with is that the absolute best dating time is in your late teens-20s. Nearly everyone is single and there are much greater odds of finding all types of mutual attraction with emotionally healthy people. Quality, relationship oriented people tend to get into long term relationships/marriage early and stay there. Yes, there are all kinds of life circumsntances that can enter the picture down the road (divorce due to wrong choice of partner or death) but they are by far the exceptions. Given the very high demand for quality partners in 30+ age range, those people don't stay on the market for long. Blink and you have missed them. So the options narrow drastically and your chances of finding it all with an emotinoally healthy partner are slim to none.

 

It is what it is and choices have to be made to accommodate the lack of options. I have already accepted that but even removing the "spark" or "butterflies" (by spark in my OP I more meant a connection) and looking for criteria that others mentioned leaves me unable to even find the bare minimum. Even just asking basic questions like "can I talk to this person?" "is he honest (as far as I know) and consistent?" "is he willing to not heavily push for sex within first 3 dates?" leaves me with NO options.

 

As for being attracted to the unavailable men, no, not at all. Men I clicked with in the last few years I had no idea of their relationship status at the time and once I found out that they are in LTRs or marriages, I lost all interest. Incidentally they all met their partners in their 20s which just leads me back to Ariadne's theory. It's like what's left 5 minutes before closing time at the big sale.

 

I also give men on average 3-4 dates (so no, I don't just go no spark on date one, next). I even entered a relationship last year with someone who really liked me but for whom I felt no connection except physical. My needs for conversation (which is my number 1 priority in a relationship) and deeper connection were not met and while he seemed compeltely fine with that, I grew increasingly depressed. I pushed through, even met his parents, spent many weekends together but sadly - what I saw within first 3-4 dates was accurate represetnation of the latter relationship. When we broke up, I didn't miss him at all. At that point, I could not even stand having sex with him. So it's not like I don't try or live in a fantasy land.

 

If you are a woman in your 20s reading this, please priorotise dating now and don't make my mistakes. It's too late for me but I would give anything to be able to redo the last 10 years of my life.

[Ariadne]

Something that Ariadne said and that I fully agree with is that the absolute best dating time is in your late teens-20s.

 

Well, thank you!

 

I remember when I started working in a corporation in my early 30s where the great majority of employees were men and engineers and I thought, well, now I´ll meet my partner!

 

Well, it turned out that all of them were married. All of them. The only ones that were single were the new hires, 21 to 26, and even they had long term relationships and were either engaged or getting married.

 

I remember meeting a few men that I´d have dated in a heartbeat! But they were not available.

 

Another story: My father met my mother when she was 20. In fact, he had an eye on her for a while, but that´s when he asked her out and they became formal boyfriends.

 

At 20, my mother looked stunning and had the chance to choose (and be chosen).

 

Then my father moved to the capital city with two other friends to finish his University and they rented a house where to live.

 

If a woman had her hopes up and said: Oh, there are three handsome, clean-cut, single students living in that house! she would have had no chance. Single yes, available, no. They all had formal girlfriends back in town whom they ended up marrying.

 

My father kept corresponding with my mom through mail and went to see her whenever he could, and right before he graduated they were married and together ever since.

 

So even then, even if a woman were to meet these men in college it would have been to late.

 

That´s why I actually agree with cultures that become worried when a woman is 25 and not married, and they start looking through a network of friends and family for a suitable partner.

 

In modern society people would say: Oh, she´s so young! What´s the hurry?! ...Well, there is a reason for that.

[Gold Pile]

I was afraid to open this thread because people tend to be pretty cruel but I am surprised at the great responses. Thanks ............

Aww shucks, you're welcome.

PS: You surely do live in the real world and have a good head on your shoulders (apparently a great bikini body too), but don't forget to laugh at life too.

[xxoo]

Something that Ariadne said and that I fully agree with is that the absolute best dating time is in your late teens-20s. Nearly everyone is single and there are much greater odds of finding all types of mutual attraction with emotionally healthy people. Quality, relationship oriented people tend to get into long term relationships/marriage early and stay there.

 

If you really believe this, why didn't you get into a relationship in your 20s?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, thank you!

 

I remember when I started working in a corporation in my early 30s where the great majority of employees were men and engineers and I thought, well, now I´ll meet my partner!

 

Well, it turned out that all of them were married. All of them. The only ones that were single were the new hires, 21 to 26, and even they had long term relationships and were either engaged or getting married.

 

I remember meeting a few men that I´d have dated in a heartbeat! But they were not available.

 

Another story: My father met my mother when she was 20. In fact, he had an eye on her for a while, but that´s when he asked her out and they became formal boyfriends.

 

At 20, my mother looked stunning and had the chance to choose (and be chosen).

 

Then my father moved to the capital city with two other friends to finish his University and they rented a house where to live.

 

If a woman had her hopes up and said: Oh, there are three handsome, clean-cut, single students living in that house! she would have had no chance. Single yes, available, no. They all had formal girlfriends back in town whom they ended up marrying.

 

My father kept corresponding with my mom through mail and went to see her whenever he could, and right before he graduated they were married and together ever since.

 

So even then, even if a woman were to meet these men in college it would have been to late.

 

That´s why I actually agree with cultures that become worried when a woman is 25 and not married, and they start looking through a network of friends and family for a suitable partner.

 

In modern society people would say: Oh, she´s so young! What´s the hurry?! ...Well, there is a reason for that.

 

Colleges are marriage incubators. LOL

 

Back in the day, my mom used to call these women in college going for their MRS. degrees. LOL Kind of a joke during the 60s I guess. But even when I was going to college, and people were hooking up left and right, by their final year in college...they were engaged and even had their weddings scheduled shortly after graduation.

 

I was hoping this would happen with me, but it never did. During that time, I wasn't looking for anything serious, but was waiting until AFTER college to get into "single and looking mode" considering I was going to be leaving college and be out of the area geographically so figured there's no point in starting a relationship with someone until I was settled in with a new job.

 

But after college, your chances plummets seriously downward, esp. when your out or college, where the pool of young 18 to 20something ladies are all over. lol

[Ariadne]

Colleges are marriage incubators. LOL

 

Oh, absolutely, a lot of people meet in college.

 

During that time, I wasn't looking for anything serious...figured there's no point in starting a relationship with someone until I was settled in with a new job...But after college, your chances plummets seriously downward

 

I agree with this. Girls tend to put emphasis in their career nowadays, which is a good thing, but they can be left behind.

 

I also think that dating is not easy at any age. While it´s true that women look their best from 15-25yo and that the majority of men are single, well, everyone else also looks their best and the competition is stiff. You have to somehow make yourself be noticed by a potential mate, and if your friends are prettier than you then you can be easily ignored.

 

I think it´s a little bit of luck and being in the right place at the right time.

[Wewon]

 

I just feel so depressed and forced to chose between 2 options: stay single and lonely or date someone I am "meh" about. I have been alternating between the two but I am not sure which is worse.

 

 

I know that this will sound mean, but on behalf of men, please choose option 1. At least then you're only hurting one person.

 

If women want to, they can tolerate 'meh' for weeks, months or even years. I've seen women allow lives and families be built around them while in a state of 'meh'. Then one of two things happen:

 

1) She punishes that object that she's tied to (aka the man) for being a disappointment. Usually through slights, disrespect, and other half-assery during the entire relationship. This is usually a slow, painful and humiliating process which ultimately attacks his self esteem.

 

2) She fakes it and then goes nuclear dismantling everything around her. This time punishing the object (aka man) for being too clueless to see how unhappy she has been eventhough she's put up an effort to fool him.

 

Seriously, nobody deserves to be treated like a utility like that. Hash out whatever is going on in you before bringing in future collateral damage.

[BluEyeL]

Don't forget though that the marriages that started young like that have the highest divorce rate and I am not surprised. When you choose then you are not fully developed and your choices may not be the best or what you'd choose later in life. People evolve in different directions. We live longer lives and fuller with more than just home life (for a woman). We have higher expectations these days and more goals to achieve and lives can easily diverge.

 

I did that, I did marry my college sweetheart and we got divorced. On the other hand, women with college degrees who marry after 30 have a 17% divorce rate.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I recall a woman online that had like a 10 year marriage to a man since hear young adult years. Apparently she was "meh" about him as they were more roomates to each other than anything.

 

She made no mention of it actually being a miserable experience through the years, but just saw him as a room mate more than anything.

 

I guess the sex may have been great or at least obligatory in nature. lol

 

BUt she also helped him run his business in the small town in which they lived.

 

 

I know that this will sound mean, but on behalf of men, please choose option 1. At least then you're only hurting one person.

 

If women want to, they can tolerate 'meh' for weeks, months or even years. I've seen women allow lives and families be built around them while in a state of 'meh'. Then one of two things happen:

 

1) She punishes that object that she's tied to (aka the man) for being a disappointment. Usually through slights, disrespect, and other half-assery during the entire relationship. This is usually a slow, painful and humiliating process which ultimately attacks his self esteem.

 

2) She fakes it and then goes nuclear dismantling everything around her. This time punishing the object (aka man) for being too clueless to see how unhappy she has been eventhough she's put up an effort to fool him.

 

Seriously, nobody deserves to be treated like a utility like that. Hash out whatever is going on in you before bringing in future collateral damage.

[jen1447]

ES, this may seem trite coming from me but have you ever considered women? Reason I ask is I've seen quite a few disillusioned women suddenly see the light and become inspired when they allowed that to happen.

 

Simple explanation would be you're not excited bc the ppl you're sizing up aren't exciting, and you're sizing up the wrong ones bc you're shopping in the wrong isle.

[Kamille]

I know way too many people who have met their significant others in their late 30s and early 40s to believe the bull**** that past the age of 30, everyone left single is somehow deficient in some way.

 

Do you really believe you're dating the bottom of the barel? Do you reflect that onto yourself and believe there must therefore something flawed with you? If anything, these beliefs might explain why you have such a hard time feeling a connection with men.

[AverageJoe1986]

 

Simple explanation would be you're not excited bc the ppl you're sizing up aren't exciting, and you're sizing up the wrong ones bc you're shopping in the wrong isle.

 

Yes, first class ticket to the Isle of Lesbos!

[serial muse]

I don't think the issue is that people over 30 are broken. I think the reason that people in their teens-20s have somewhat easier time partnering up is simply 2 things:

 

1. They're generally more around others who are single and eager, thanks to school.

2. They're generally more interested in trying out all different kinds of people, and all sorts of things are new and feel exciting. Does that mean older people are more jaded? Sure, in a way. It also could mean they have a better sense of self. Two different ways to look at it.

 

ES, I'd say the best advice you've gotten in this thread is that if you're feeling "meh" about things, that has more to do with where you are than the quality of other people. It means you're not your best dating self at the moment. In your 20s, perhaps, you felt less "meh", not because other people were less "meh" but because you had fewer commitments/anxieties/etc. So maybe you just need to give yourself a break from anxiety about this.

 

And frankly, I don't think "welp, you missed your window" is going to be of much help, even if it temporarily feels like it confirms your worst fears and so is sort of validating in a painful sort of way. Beware of chastisement cloaked as "for your own good".

[Ariadne]

Even just asking basic questions like "can I talk to this person?" "is he honest (as far as I know) and consistent?" "is he willing to not heavily push for sex within first 3 dates?" leaves me with NO options.

 

Well, let me tell you it gets worse.

 

When I was in my 30s, I was stuck in the bottom-of-the-barrel situation. The single men I met were either dumb (couldn´t have a conversation), broke, not interested in relationships, living with the parents, etc.

 

The ones that liked me and wanted a relationship I didn´t even date for more than a couple times because it felt wrong.

 

I even had a boyfriend for two years. I was not in love with him and neither was he, but he made for a good companion...someone to spend the weekends with, go to dinner, talk about my day, help when I needed it. But after some time even that wears off.

 

Well, after I turned 45 all those guys vanished! No "meh" guy, no guy that was interested but I wasn´t, no guys interested in FWB, nothing! It was almost as if I had become grandma from one day to the other. Invisible to all.

 

I guess if you are over 45 and want to date, you better look like JLo or like the wife of Donald Trump. That´s it!

 

The only guys that have "hit on me" in the past few years have looked like grandpa. Imagine this guy trying to date you and thinking that you´ll be happy to!

 

No problem to me because I´m fine as it is and the "meh" guys were nothing to miss, really.

[salparadise]

ES, I'd say the best advice you've gotten in this thread is that if you're feeling "meh" about things, that has more to do with where you are than the quality of other people. It means you're not your best dating self at the moment.

 

It's at least as much about being the right person as meeting the right person... one is completely within your sphere of influence, the other not so much. Make sure you're smiling when serendipity looks your way.

[Leigh 87]

Oh, absolutely, a lot of people meet in college.

 

 

 

I agree with this. Girls tend to put emphasis in their career nowadays, which is a good thing, but they can be left behind.

 

I also think that dating is not easy at any age. While it´s true that women look their best from 15-25yo and that the majority of men are single, well, everyone else also looks their best and the competition is stiff. You have to somehow make yourself be noticed by a potential mate, and if your friends are prettier than you then you can be easily ignored.

 

I think it´s a little bit of luck and being in the right place at the right time.

 

I am 30 and my friends are ALL prettier than me.

 

I still got lots of offers.... from decent men.

 

Look at my pictures. If a woman like me can find the connection at age 30 despite being the least pretty of her friends ......then anyone can ... it's not as rare as you think. I got a lot of offers prior to meeting my bf.....

[katiegrl]

Look at my pictures. If a woman like me can find the connection at age 30 despite being the least pretty of her friends ......then anyone can ... it's not as rare as you think. I got a lot of offers prior to meeting my bf.....

 

I love you Leigh, but what are you looking for here.^^

 

Some acknowledgement that you are attractive (because you are).

 

I just find it odd that in nearly every post, you bring this up.

 

We have all seen your pictures and you are very attractive.

 

I am not surprised men fall for you.... please stop self-deprecating.... it's not necessary to make your argument.