Struggling with feeling no connection to men I date

[katiegrl]

I have posted this before, but I read a story a couple years back about a guy on POF, who met something like 80!! women before finally meeting the one he connected with and eventually married!

 

Some people just aren't willing to settle.... I am one of those people.

 

Once I start dating again, it's anyone's guess how many guys I will have to go out with before I meet the one I actually click with/feel enough chemistry with to pursue further.

 

I'm fine with taking my time though.... I have no problem being alone either.

[Httm]

I have posted this before, but I read a story a couple years back about a guy on POF, who met something like 80!! women before finally meeting the one he connected with and eventually married!

 

Some people just aren't willing to settle.... I am one of those people.

 

Once I start dating again, it's anyone's guess how many guys I will have to go out with before I meet the one I actually click with/feel enough chemistry with to pursue further.

 

I'm fine with taking my time though.... I have no problem being alone either.

 

80 isn't really that many...

[katiegrl]

80 isn't really that many...

 

In one year? I thought it was a lot.... but what do I know... I haven't dated in six years.

[Httm]

In one year? I thought it was a lot.... but what do I know... I haven't dated in six years.

 

It is a decent amount for one year, but for a non single parent, it shouldn't be hard. I once had 4 dates in one weekend...

[SwordofFlame]

In one year? I thought it was a lot.... but what do I know... I haven't dated in six years.

 

I guess perseverance does pay off with online dating.

[AMJ]

Good experiences are just life experience. Bad experiences to the point where people become jaded about dating and are no longer pleasant...broken.

 

 

 

Of all of my friends who are happily married, all of them got married relatively young and have stayed that way.

 

 

 

What one woman considers to be an "independent, successful, wonderful single women" is not always how men will feel.

 

I'm not saying marriage material doesn't exist after 30, because well...I'm 37 ....but I do think it's rather rare.

 

Ah. Key words being "happily married". You do admit you know people who are not happily married?

 

Care to elaborate about "how men feel" about women who are over 30 and single? If it's not that they are independent or successful?

[salparadise]

Redhead14's post (#17) is insightful. We do create our situation to a large degree with our attitude, prejudices and criteria. You have to remain open, emotionally available and somewhat enthusiastic/optimistic to create possibility. If you believe it cannot happen, you're right... not because it's impossible but because that mindset is self fulfilling. Intention is a big deal, seriously.

 

I was in a somewhat similar situation not long ago. I had one good relationship that lasted over a year (beginner's luck), then a series of what I'll call dating escapades that each lasted a few months and left me feeling like what's the use in trying- way too much effort for so little results. I was feeling unappreciated and cynical, lacking motivation, and viewing new prospects as just another bundle of demands and expectations. I was no longer interested in working hard to hold a woman's attention. I was just about reconciled to being alone and filling in occasionally with a short-term dalliance.

 

So I took some time off and put in a lot of time volunteering for awhile. I'd still go on coffee dates and such when the opportunity arose, but I raised the standard a bit on who I'd agree to meet. Then one day about a year later I got a "like" on my profile from a woman who looked quite interesting. I asked her out in the first message, and she agreed in her reply. We met at an inexpensive restaurant and she insisted on splitting the check, so we did. She was attractive and interesting but I wouldn't say the chemistry was over the top immediately. She texted me the next morning that she enjoyed it and would be up for going out again. We've been dating almost six months now and I think it's the best relationship I've ever had. Totally free of bull$hit, games and all of the other stuff I had come to expect. She's a keeper. It's wonderful.

 

So I'd say take a break, lower expectations on the chemistry thing, but don't lower your standards on a quality relationship.

 

I now realize that it was the fact that I was genuinely available at the time we met that created the possibility. If I hadn't taken the break and backed off I might not have recognized it when opportunity knocked. Patience and persistence.

[katiegrl]

Redhead14's post (#17) is insightful.

 

Thank you salparadise.... I had missed that post....just went back to read, and you're right super helpful for me too.... when I begin embarking on my dating journey.

 

Some good stuff on this thread.....

[loveweary11]

It is a decent amount for one year, but for a non single parent, it shouldn't be hard. I once had 4 dates in one weekend...

 

Where does one find the energy or time for that?

 

One a week is very taxing to me.

[katiegrl]

It is a decent amount for one year, but for a non single parent, it shouldn't be hard. I once had 4 dates in one weekend...

 

Okay, maybe I'm a bit slow today....but what is a non-single parent doing going on four dates in one weekend, or even one date?

 

I mean if you're non-single, then you're married or in a RL, right?

 

What am I missing?

 

Do you mean a single person with no children?

[Httm]

Okay, maybe I'm a bit slow today....but what is a non-single parent doing going on four dates in one weekend, or even one date?

 

I mean if you're non-single, then you're married or in a RL, right?

 

What am I missing?

 

Do you mean a single person with no children?

 

Someone who is not a single parent.

[katiegrl]

Someone who is not a single parent.

 

I am still confused, but that's okay.

 

Thanks.

[Httm]

Where does one find the energy or time for that?

 

One a week is very taxing to me.

 

Be youngish and determined?

[katiegrl]

Someone who is not a single parent.

 

Just had my A-HA moment.... takes me awhile sometimes what can I say... LOL

 

I'm not a single parent either.... but hell four dates in one weekend....that would be a little exhausting, but hell more power to ya if you can do that!

[sportygirl89]

I have been trying to date more lately (most are OLD or bar pick-ups) but I don't feel anything for them. It's like going through the motions with no spark. I could care less if I never saw them again (in fact I often feel relieved). It's hard to even have any criteria for chemistry/spark since I feel this is unrealistic. I am trying to weed them out by objective criteria i.e. I date them if I am not unattracted and evaluate their behavior.

 

Last time I really liked a guy was about 3 years ago. There are currently men that I could like/feel a spark for but none of them are single so I stop myself from developing any feelings. I have outgrown unrequited and impossible crushes.

 

I just feel so depressed and forced to chose between 2 options: stay single and lonely or date someone I am "meh" about. I have been alternating between the two but I am not sure which is worse.

 

I have no idea what to do. "Meeting someone when I least expect it" or "Just living my life" has never worked for me. I have to work hard at meeting viable options or it doesn't happen. I can't even remember one chance meeting/work or school scenario that led to anything. I get sleazy men that approach me in public blatantly trying to have ONSs. I get 20 years older married men at work hitting on me.

 

I don't understand why this is such hard work for me. It's hard to lower my standards (if that is the problem) where my standards are just to feel something :/

 

Maybe you aren't over your last relationship 3 years ago. Even though you think you are. Certain relationships take time to get over no matter how large or small they were to you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Just had my A-HA moment.... takes me awhile sometimes what can I say... LOL

 

I'm not a single parent either.... but hell four dates in one weekend....that would be a little exhausting, but hell more power to ya if you can do that!

 

I'm lucky I can get 1 date per year.

[Httm]

Just had my A-HA moment.... takes me awhile sometimes what can I say... LOL

 

I'm not a single parent either.... but hell four dates in one weekend....that would be a little exhausting, but hell more power to ya if you can do that!

 

It was only once, but definitely exhausting!

[katiegrl]

It was only once, but definitely exhausting!

 

Did you click with any of them? Just curious.

[Robratory]

I have been trying to date more lately (most are OLD or bar pick-ups) but I don't feel anything for them. . . . I just feel so depressed and forced to chose between 2 options: stay single and lonely or date someone I am "meh" about. I have been alternating between the two but I am not sure which is worse.

 

Well, then change what you are "meh" about. You are letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

Thirty years ago, I decided I would like fat girls, and girls with zits and little tits and gross lady bits, and I've never been happier! Oh, I still have standards, but it's not whether you walk like an Egyptian but whether you screw like an Archimedean!

 

You have to decide what really matters, but you also have to take care that what really matters doesn't prevent you from enjoying yourself. Life is not a suicide pact, you know?

Edited February 17, 2016 by Robratory

[Leigh 87]

Hey, here's an idea, why not try for longer that one date!!!

 

Seriously, you're all of fin fantasy romance-novel land where the meeting the man is this amazing event with white horses and doves.

 

Ask couples who met through "normal" circumstances, did they just instantly click, or did if take time to get to know each other before they ssaw the attraction.

Most likely the latter!

In fact, those few exceptions are talked about with some sense of wonder "Oh, it was love at first sight"

Why...?

Because it doesn't happen that way.

 

I'm frankly sick of woman who expect to hear a church choir when their date arrives, and get disappointed he's just a normal mortal man.

 

Try dating every single guy who is pleasant, and passes some basic criteria, at least three times before passing them off.

 

Wow, no wonder you're alone and lonely...sheesh!!

 

 

 

Because it's a personal preference. And we have tried settling for 7/10 chemistry and found we just were not happy with the fact that we didn't fall headover heels.

 

I am lowly attractive (7/10 on a good day) but my cool fashion sense and personality honestly attracted loads of decent guys. So if you're like me (not gorgeous but you still get ample attention and offers) then you CAN hold out for a spark. . I always did and hhad no issues finding it.

 

I've tried the alternative and,as a woman who doesn't want children and has options in men, I personally enjoyed being single far more than I enjoyed dating men that I stated out meh about. In my case, the meh men never grew into the magnetic chemistry. I am just not able to truly feel alive and fall for men without the x factor. I am happier alone albeit I didn't feel lonley....

 

I am was realistic and knew I wouldn't find a wealthy Adonis Greek God of a guy. The thing with chemistry is that youdon't need to hold out for any type of "list " or ideal regarding looks.

 

I avoided Eternal Sunshines problem because I was VERY open to feeling the magic with ANY TYPE OF MAN. And I found that I really clicked and sparked witha much higher volume of single men than my female counterparts who were actually hotter women than me yet had preconceived ideas as to what their dream guy would be.

 

Eternal Sunshines dilemma could be because she has a PHD snd needs a very intelligent white colllar man. Where as I never had issues finding the magnetic chemistry because I was open to ALL men and I have equally hit it off with both white snd blue collar in terms of conversation after the initial sparks.......

 

Wanting the instant magic and fireworks actually isn't a bad way for some.... FOR SOME peoppe to go about romance. It works well for people who are otherwise realistic (don't also need a fat paycheck orsupermodel looks)and in fact, some people just don't have it in them to fall as hard for those people with which they do not have the crazy chemistry with.

 

Then you get mostly women that can still fall hard for men they weren't that into and lacked tbe fireworks with initially.

 

Falling head over hes is key for some and non essential for others.

 

Eirher which way, it is silly if you to say my own way, which served me well and lead me into a wonderfully exciting love life that I look back in with amazing feelings and positive thoughts, is WRONG or LESS ideal than you're way.

 

I have always felt happiest following my heart and staying true to myself. So roll your eyes at people that don't do things your own personal way all you want. I can't speak for Eternal Sunshine, butit made me happy chasing the spark.

 

I mean, I was still realistic and didn't focus on superficial crap and only required a kind heart and a full time job and a man who was into spoiling his woman (since I am very generous myself). So yeah. I had THREE criteria!

 

It can work, not settling without the movie style connection. My bf and I felt the magic and we both still feel so alive and it is like a dream to be able to be passionately in love. He is kind and treats me well and although not rich, works hard! Likewise, I am not a model look alike yet my bf wasn't looking for perfection.

 

I am a big believers in connections and energy and am into the psychic fate snd destiny tyoe drivel lol. And so is my bf. We feel people are meant to meet and it does in fact hit you and should be magnetic in our eyes.

 

Obviously people like this poster assumes our method sucks but hey...it worked for my bf and I ( we had exciting relationships and feel good about keeping things casual with the people we lacked the spell binding connections with as we know we could never have been happy without the magnetic chemistry and "meant to be"feeling).

 

So far have no regrets in not settling for the multitude of decent men that wished to date ne and even have relationships with and that I turned down.

 

Does Eternal Sunshine have regrets? I believe that she is a dreamer like me based on following her posts for years. She would meet a nice guy without feeling love struck or smktten only to leave him if she met what felt like the love of her life.

 

I think she knows this deep down and it is good of her t avoid breaking someone's heart. I had to and it wasn't pretty. ... the guy was besotted by me and would do anything for me yet it just wasn't it for me. I KNEW there would one day be a guy that made me feel alive and passionate about him and about life.

[losangelena]

Who said the reverse is true? I didn't. Not for women, or men.

 

I doubt ES wants this to turn into another gender war.

 

You can say that again.

[thecrucible]

Hi Eternal Sunshine. I'm 26 and in some ways I feel the same as you. I don't need extremely strong chemistry immediately but I need to feel that there's a strong enough emotional and intellectual connection and that's hard for me to find. I've been in your shoes. Lately I'm a bit numb to the dating process which is a bit weird because I am quite a sentimental and emotional person. I feel things strongly so I wonder, why am I so blase about dating? Part of me is holding back due to uncertainty. If a man approaches me and chats me up I am never fully present because immediately I am mentally processing whether we are really compatible. It's like what someone earlier in the thread about logical reasoning overtaking your emotional experience and ability to live in the moment.

 

I sometimes wonder if the fact it's OLD makes a difference since I deliberately put myself at a distance from the process in order for it not to get to me too much. All of my real boyfriends I have met irl and got to know over an extended period of time.

 

I think some people on this thread hit the nail on the head in terms of the right approach to take. It's about putting values and commonalities with the other person at the forefront - then chemistry comes second. It doesn't mean dumping chemistry altogether, it's just looking for the important things first. I feel happy to do this now because I really feel that certain personality traits are precious and not everyone possesses those traits which appeal to me.

 

What gets in the way and helps me avoid giving chemistry more of a chance to develop is the fear of either being trapped in a relationship where I'm always seeking something else out there; or hurting someone who's more into me than I am into him while I am still figuring how I feel (I don't think that's fair). Even when I've been in long term relationships, it's always a project I put my passion in to make the best of - I basically have an improving mindset. I never really settle.

[Gold Pile]

When I was younger and some girls were "looking for a connection" I would announce that I had a connection for them, while I pointed at my pants.

Ok, I still do that now too.

[thecrucible]

I now realize that it was the fact that I was genuinely available at the time we met that created the possibility. If I hadn't taken the break and backed off I might not have recognized it when opportunity knocked. Patience and persistence.

 

I think what you said is very apt. Personally I look back on opportunities I missed with quality men because I didn't have a mindset that was open to dating them. These were guys that I didn't feel jaw dropping chemistry for on a first look but if I had been emotionally available, I now feel fairly certain that there would be a chance for it to have developed into something very special. One of those guys is someone I met in the first week of university but we didn't talk much although he's come into my mind again because I feel that we have a lot in common and I find him attractive (though unsure of chemistry). I would definitely go on a date with him if we lived closer to each other and if he's single (I don't know). Unfortunately he's hundreds of miles away so I've never bitten the bullet and messaged him.

[katiegrl]

When I was younger and some girls were "looking for a connection" I would announce that I had a connection for them, while I pointed at my pants.

Ok, I still do that now too.

 

LOL.... how's that been working for ya?