"I feel sorry for his wife"

[Furious]

My meaning is, an A isn't the only "problem". To say everything was great besides A, is my point of a BS being realistic. If things were so great & wonderful with the marriage or the WS then why did the cheating happen? That's my point, the cheating itself isn't the only problem, always more to it & to say that to one's self, isn't that not getting to what the real issues of cheating was about?

 

I don't see where you get the idea that betrayed spouses say their marriages were perfect, if anthing what I have read here is that the majority of betrayed spouses were realistic with the ups and downs in any marriage and under no illusion of a perfect marriage.

 

I find your experience unusual, in the sense that nearly everyone in your family cheats, that both you and your husband were both cheating on each other and maybe that's your normal but for many , many people that kind of envirorment you describe is not the norm in most family dynamics.

[Red123]

My meaning is, an A isn't the only "problem". To say everything was great besides A, is my point of a BS being realistic. If things were so great & wonderful with the marriage or the WS then why did the cheating happen? That's my point, the cheating itself isn't the only problem, always more to it & to say that to one's self, isn't that not getting to what the real issues of cheating was about?

 

Sometimes the WS is the problem, not the marriage. That wasn't the case in mine, however he did have his own stuff that lead him to cheat. There are some cases where the M is good and the spouse has no idea that the WS is unhappy, because they don't communicate it. Many BS feel completely blindsided on Dday because of this. I know a couple that is dealing with infidelity and the WS himself has stated that his M wasn't the problem, he was. He was dealing with a job loss, insecurities about his ability as a provider and spouse. When the MOW started giving him support, praise and ego strokes he couldn't resist, he said he didn't want to burden his wife with his insecurities because she had been such a good spouse to him and had a lot on her plate. He admits now(3 years from Dday) that he affaired down as the MOW was nothing compared to his W in any way, but the ego strokes when his self esteem was so low kept him there. This may not be typical but I think it happens more than is represented on this forum.

[Red123]

Who said specifically you or when did I once say every situation is the same?

 

Also are most being realistic?

 

I was responding to your statement about not being able to find a bs on the this forum that doesn't say their M was perfect, my threads state that it was in a horrible place and I take my part in that. So obviously you didn't see my threads before making that statement. Yes I still believe that the people telling their stories are being realistic for their situations as I was with mine.

[Whoknew30]

I don't see where you get the idea that betrayed spouses say their marriages were perfect, if anthing what I have read here is that the majority of betrayed spouses were realistic with the ups and downs in any marriage and under no illusion of a perfect marriage.

 

I find your experience unusual, in the sense that nearly everyone in your family cheats, that both you and your husband were both cheating on each other and maybe that's your normal but for many , many people that kind of envirorment you describe is not the norm in most family dynamics.

 

You be surprised how common cheating is (look at this forum & the million others like it). Not to mention grew up with my 3 friends that their moms all left them for the OM & they didn't come from the same culture I did...cheating is extremely common, doesn't make it right. The men in my family all cheated (some women but most men) bc they all came from a culture where it's not ok but looked over when it's a man.

 

I've talked to many both men & women (I run every kids organization for the 10 years that pretty much exists in my community) & on here & a lot of time it's the same after DDay. It was great & wonderful until the cheating & then they go to MC or IC & realize the problems that existed, that they never saw or realized before. So how was it so happy & great yet no one realized until cheating where the problems were? Why does it take cheating to open one's eyes to what is off with either their spouse or within their marriage?

 

That's kind of why I cheated. I knew there were problems & H acted like everything was cool & it took me to have an A (after 3 MC & 2 priests I drug him to for therapy) for our marriage to change. When I caught him, it wasn't a shock bc I already saw (even before he started his A) that there were issues & at the time it wasn't issues with our marriage but with him that I knew were going to effect our marriage.

[Whoknew30]

I was responding to your statement about not being able to find a bs on the this forum that doesn't say their M was perfect, my threads state that it was in a horrible place and I take my part in that. So obviously you didn't see my threads before making that statement. Yes I still believe that the people telling their stories are being realistic for their situations as I was with mine.

 

I'll have to read your threads so I can know your story

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't see where you get the idea that betrayed spouses say their marriages were perfect, if anthing what I have read here is that the majority of betrayed spouses were realistic with the ups and downs in any marriage and under no illusion of a perfect marriage.

 

I find your experience unusual, in the sense that nearly everyone in your family cheats, that both you and your husband were both cheating on each other and maybe that's your normal but for many , many people that kind of envirorment you describe is not the norm in most family dynamics.

 

Our marriage wasn't "perfect" but it was pretty damn good.

 

In fact, it's been said over and over again that it had nothing to do with his cheating. He didn't feel "neglected" or "put upon" etc. We had a good sex life (from his perspective, I always wanted more and kinkier stuff). Financially we weren't struggling (unlike now).

 

He had wanted children but it didn't seem that we would be able to have them naturally (or so I was told). He said he was totally happy with me and our marriage. If we had children, great. If not we would look into options down the road when we were a little older. I used to make him insane meals every night that he loved. We both worked and travelled together. We bought and paid off a house. We've always been very affectionate with one another etc.

 

Well, I got pregnant. He seemed disbelieving at first until the ultrasound. He was happy about the baby but freaked out at the same time. He told me very clearly in hindsight that he felt very suddenly trapped and that his youth was "over" as soon as the baby came. So he started looking for short-term flings to have before the baby cane along. Of course he didn't tell me any of this. That was never the plan. He just wanted to do it and get it while he felt he still could. He had a LOT of issues linked to fatherhood that neither one of us would have suspected.

 

In fact, even as he was trying to get with girls he never once blamed me or the marriage. In fact one of his targets (online) asked him why he was stepping out of things were "so great." He said "you can't eat steak everyday."

 

Unfortunately instead of talking to me, his cheating and subsequent issues imploded our relationship for a long, long time. It took years to pull things into any semblance of relational normalcy.

 

Of course we tried to keep our daughter our of it. Don't most parents? (Not mine of course. But most?)

[dreamingoftigers]

he said he didn't want to burden his wife with his insecurities because she had been such a good spouse to him and had a lot on her plate.

 

I heard this too.

 

The major problems came after the infidelity was discovered because he would just blow up that I "wouldn't just trust him anymore" and then he would pretty much say "well it doesn't matter WHAT I do anymore then."

 

It got really ridiculous after that until finally, after going back to drinking, and getting kicked out. He went to treatment and they dealt really well with the "when they don't trust you and how long it generally takes & how to respond to it" portions of recovery.

 

Everything REALLY calmed down after that.

[Whoknew30]

Sometimes the WS is the problem, not the marriage. That wasn't the case in mine, however he did have his own stuff that lead him to cheat. There are some cases where the M is good and the spouse has no idea that the WS is unhappy, because they don't communicate it. Many BS feel completely blindsided on Dday because of this. I know a couple that is dealing with infidelity and the WS himself has stated that his M wasn't the problem, he was. He was dealing with a job loss, insecurities about his ability as a provider and spouse. When the MOW started giving him support, praise and ego strokes he couldn't resist, he said he didn't want to burden his wife with his insecurities because she had been such a good spouse to him and had a lot on her plate. He admits now(3 years from Dday) that he affaired down as the MOW was nothing compared to his W in any way, but the ego strokes when his self esteem was so low kept him there. This may not be typical but I think it happens more than is represented on this forum.

 

See this is what I think is odd...a lot of BS will say the kids are affected even though they don't know exactly what's going on but that same BS will say they had no idea that their WS was unhappy. It doesn't take much to see someone isn't happy. I think the only way that happens is being caught up on one's self & going through day to day without really paying attention to their spouse.

 

Do spouses mistake contentment as happiness?

[AlwaysGrowing]

You hit it right on the head. I saw this from my mom & that's why I made a promise I wouldn't be that way infront of my kids & even used it as a teaching opportunity. Bad things are going to happen (non me of us get out of life without something bad) but how you handle it, is such an the most important part of any problem.

 

Right here^ is where your theory that most marriages that have suffered infidelity had a BS that was not dealing with reality....falls apart.

 

Whether or not the relationship had any ongoing/past issues the WS was the one who introduced an unhealthy way of dealing with it/self.

 

Personal responsibility is something many adults have a difficult time fully embracing. You see.....it doesn't ever include a but/however/if you had only.

 

How one handles issues is indeed the most important part of any problem. Choosing infidelity is not a healthy way to handle any relationship issue/s.....and that is why most put the infidelity choice in a stand alone column on its own separate from any real/perceived issue/s. It is the WS not dealing with reality...not the BS.

[Midwestmissy]

I guess it's no different than saying you and your spouse loved your children put them in therapy and supported them emotionally, so you thought they hadn't been negatively impacted by the infidelity. But lo and behold they get married and the pain no one saw or acknowledged finally manifests itself - was their seemingly happy childhood a lie?

 

Unspoken problems that are brought in from childhood sometimes rear their heads in marriage 30 yrs later. I'm sure my mil thinks she was the greatest mother (actually, she does think that) but she did a number on my wh trust me. And he appeased his mother for years and his crap came out in our marriage. Does that make me ignorant and blind to a marriage I thought was good when he in fact was struggling? We carry our experiences with us and by not expressing them we aren't lying, we are poorly coping and trying to make sense of everything. Some better than others

[Furious]

You be surprised how common cheating is (look at this forum & the million others like it). Not to mention grew up with my 3 friends that their moms all left them for the OM & they didn't come from the same culture I did...cheating is extremely common, doesn't make it right. The men in my family all cheated (some women but most men) bc they all came from a culture where it's not ok but looked over when it's a man.

 

I've talked to many both men & women (I run every kids organization for the 10 years that pretty much exists in my community) & on here & a lot of time it's the same after DDay. It was great & wonderful until the cheating & then they go to MC or IC & realize the problems that existed, that they never saw or realized before. So how was it so happy & great yet no one realized until cheating where the problems were? Why does it take cheating to open one's eyes to what is off with either their spouse or within their marriage?

 

That's kind of why I cheated. I knew there were problems & H acted like everything was cool & it took me to have an A (after 3 MC & 2 priests I drug him to for therapy) for our marriage to change. When I caught him, it wasn't a shock bc I already saw (even before he started his A) that there were issues & at the time it wasn't issues with our marriage but with him that I knew were going to effect our marriage.

 

Perhaps in your cultural circumstance, cheating is the norm and that's your normal. I guess if cheating is that prevalent, it's not the marriages that are the problem, because every marriage will have ups and downs. I guess in a culture where cheating is prevalent it's more about entitlement than it is about marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I've talked to many both men & women (I run every kids organization for the 10 years that pretty much exists in my community) & on here & a lot of time it's the same after DDay. It was great & wonderful until the cheating & then they go to MC or IC & realize the problems that existed, that they never saw or realized before. So how was it so happy & great yet no one realized until cheating where the problems were? Why does it take cheating to open one's eyes to what is off with either their spouse or within their marriage?

 

I knew there were problems & H acted like everything was cool.

 

I think you answered your own question.

 

A lot of waywards, regardless of the problem, play like everything is cool and "we'll take care of that OR it's not such a big deal." Because they don't want to "rock the boat."

 

Part of my husband's frustration was that I would sit and wrack my brain for ways to improve things, about me and the marriage because I thought it was my fault and responsibility to fix it. He would get so pissed off seeing me depressed and thought I was trying to make him feel worse about it all.

[Midwestmissy]

Also whoknew, the same person who told me he was happy and loved our marriage was able to lie to my face. I'm not as evolved as some to have doubted him. The biggest lies were the ones he told himself, not the ones he told me.

[dreamingoftigers]

See this is what I think is odd...a lot of BS will say the kids are affected even though they don't know exactly what's going on but that same BS will say they had no idea that their WS was unhappy. It doesn't take much to see someone isn't happy. I think the only way that happens is being caught up on one's self & going through day to day without really paying attention to their spouse.

 

Do spouses mistake contentment as happiness?

 

A LOT of waywards make excuses for their moodiness too. Like "work stress" is one I see a lot of on the boards.

 

On other cases they say, "oh sure I was happy with wife/marriage but why would I pass up the chance to Fu*k TWO women?"

 

You are making the assumption that an unhappy marriage creates or permits a cheating spouse.

 

#1 reason I got for his cheating........"I didn't think I'd get caught."

 

And if it wasn't for the equivalent of the Universe conspiring against him, he probably would have.

[Whoknew30]

Right here^ is where your theory that most marriages that have suffered infidelity had a BS that was not dealing with reality....falls apart.

 

Whether or not the relationship had any ongoing/past issues the WS was the one who introduced an unhealthy way of dealing with it/self.

 

Personal responsibility is something many adults have a difficult time fully embracing. You see.....it doesn't ever include a but/however/if you had only.

 

How one handles issues is indeed the most important part of any problem. Choosing infidelity is not a healthy way to handle any relationship issue/s.....and that is why most put the infidelity choice in a stand alone column on its own separate from any real/perceived issue/s. It is the WS not dealing with reality...not the BS.

 

 

Cheating is not a healthy way of dealing with issues but neither is being so content that one ignores issues or doesn't see any...I think people (WS & or BS) don't work on marriage as hard when feeling content & marriage is everyday work.

[Midwestmissy]

Because when you approach the spouse for a few months and he just tells you things are great he's just busy with work, you are genuinely shocked afterwards. Was I supposed to nag and tell him I didn't believe him? In the moment you read the situation as it's presented. You're assuming we were working with 20/20 hindsight in place. My experience with my wh for 25 yrs was a good, fun dependable man who I could tell my secrets to. Who told me everything. So calling him out at that point was illogical. The whole point was for him to lie and get away with it. He didn't wake up and decide to cheat, but the disconnect I tried to understand was on him. He wanted me to stay out of his business by telling me it was all work.

[Whoknew30]

Because when you approach the spouse for a few months and he just tells you things are great he's just busy with work, you are genuinely shocked afterwards. Was I supposed to nag and tell him I didn't believe him? In the moment you read the situation as it's presented. You're assuming we were working with 20/20 hindsight in place. My experience with my wh for 25 yrs was a good, fun dependable man who I could tell my secrets to. Who told me everything. So calling him out at that point was illogical. The whole point was for him to lie and get away with it. He didn't wake up and decide to cheat, but the disconnect I tried to understand was on him. He wanted me to stay out of his business by telling me it was all work.

 

IMO, it's not nagging when you really see something is wrong. Our first MC was a disaster! Our therapist came on to me & my H was pissed I made him go in the first place on top of him paying a guy that ended coming on to me. That's when we had switched to priests, then ended with a women therapists.

 

It was work to even get a good therapist, ontop of him not cooperating. Trust me none of it was daisies in our situation. I had to get tough with him.

[SolG]

My meaning is, an A isn't the only "problem". To say everything was great besides A, is my point of a BS being realistic. If things were so great & wonderful with the marriage or the WS then why did the cheating happen? That's my point, the cheating itself isn't the only problem, always more to it & to say that to one's self, isn't that not getting to what the real issues of cheating was about?

 

Whoknew I think think the reason you are being misunderstood may have to do with your expression/phraseology. There is little acknowledgement in your posts that your truth is yours alone; little empathy for the fact that everyone's hard earned truth is valid for them.

 

The quote I've chosen is a case in point. Whilst I'm sure it's not your intent, it comes off as somewhat absolute and accusatory. Almost inferring that a lot of BSs are fundamentally delusional about the state of their own Ms and quasi-blaming them for the A.

 

I get what you're trying to say (I think :-/). But the bigger picture from my perspective is that As arise out of, not because of a system; the system itself provides context, not direct cause. When an individual acts, the direct cause is their own choice/violition in response to the context, not the context itself. If you see the difference.

 

So yes, the BS is directly responsible for his/her actions and their affect on the M. But neither the BS nor the M are responsible for the way in which the WS chooses to respond. I don't beleive anyone here is denying anyone's responsibilty for their part in the overall system/context... but that's a completely different thing to accepting responsibility for someone else's freely chosen actions. And at times you seem to be implying that BSs should do the latter.

Edited February 17, 2016 by SolG

[Red123]

See this is what I think is odd...a lot of BS will say the kids are affected even though they don't know exactly what's going on but that same BS will say they had no idea that their WS was unhappy. It doesn't take much to see someone isn't happy. I think the only way that happens is being caught up on one's self & going through day to day without really paying attention to their spouse.

 

Do spouses mistake contentment as happiness?

 

I can't speak for everyone but a lot of relationships are in day to day mode and may not even realize it. Life is very busy for most people, work, kids,activities, overtime etc. so sometimes the spousal relationship suffers because of all of the other demands. I don't think it is being caught up in oneself that makes it so that they can't see their spouse is unhappy, some spouses (like mine was) are not willing to share the extent of their unhappiness. When life is busy it's easy to overlook. I can't expect my spouse to be a mind reader( as a woman I have had to learn this over the years, I used to think he should just know) and some people are great at hiding how they feel. Is contentment happiness? I think their is happiness in being content. To me if I'm content i feel supported and have my needs met, that's a big part of being happy in my books.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You be surprised how common cheating is (look at this forum & the million others like it). Not to mention grew up with my 3 friends that their moms all left them for the OM & they didn't come from the same culture I did...cheating is extremely common, doesn't make it right. The men in my family all cheated (some women but most men) bc they all came from a culture where it's not ok but looked over when it's a man.

 

I've talked to many both men & women (I run every kids organization for the 10 years that pretty much exists in my community) & on here & a lot of time it's the same after DDay. It was great & wonderful until the cheating & then they go to MC or IC & realize the problems that existed, that they never saw or realized before. So how was it so happy & great yet no one realized until cheating where the problems were? Why does it take cheating to open one's eyes to what is off with either their spouse or within their marriage?

 

That's kind of why I cheated. I knew there were problems & H acted like everything was cool & it took me to have an A (after 3 MC & 2 priests I drug him to for therapy) for our marriage to change. When I caught him, it wasn't a shock bc I already saw (even before he started his A) that there were issues & at the time it wasn't issues with our marriage but with him that I knew were going to effect our marriage.

 

 

Your last paragraph reads kinda exactly what others have said. That you tried to address relationship issues...that were met with much resistance...because the root of the issue/s resided within your WH.....issue/s that you alone could not compensate for.

 

Your excuses for your own unhealthy choices then get foisted upon your husband as well.

 

Personal responsibility doesn't work like that.

 

It is not uncommon to have one side of a mad hatter couple blame the other side for both affairs. Heck, usually the first side to cheat readily accepts blame for both affairs.

 

At the end of the day....if we allow ourselves an out for our own poor choices we are more at risk to repeat. Because relationships have ups and downs....if we excuse our unhealthy coping mechanisms.....we further entrench those processes into self.

 

The goal should always be to be a better/healthier self....regardless of circumstances.

[Whoknew30]

Your last paragraph reads kinda exactly what others have said. That you tried to address relationship issues...that were met with much resistance...because the root of the issue/s resided within your WH.....issue/s that you alone could not compensate for.

 

Your excuses for your own unhealthy choices then get foisted upon your husband as well.

 

Personal responsibility doesn't work like that.

 

It is not uncommon to have one side of a mad hatter couple blame the other side for both affairs. Heck, usually the first side to cheat readily accepts blame for both affairs.

 

At the end of the day....if we allow ourselves an out for our own poor choices we are more at risk to repeat. Because relationships have ups and downs....if we excuse our unhealthy coping mechanisms.....we further entrench those processes into self.

 

The goal should always be to be a better/healthier self....regardless of circumstances.

 

I don't think a lot of BS realize the difference between an excuse & motive. Everyone has a motive for every action which does not necessarily equal an excuse. I have no excuse for cheating at that time I did it bc I no longer cared. I will not lie or did I to my H, when he asked why...I said I no longer cared. I don't think you get more honest than that. I didnt cry, beg nor throw my OM under the bus bc those are all excuses, never did I have that or say that.

 

I agree reconciliation is about both people being healthier versions of themselves, which means both. So when I hear kids got in the way & life & bla bla bla & "it" just shouldn't of happened while saying their reconciling l, all I hear is as long as the cheating didn't happen everything would have been fine, well evidently everything wasn't fine, if you take away the cheating, it still wasn't fine if you hear your spouse had problems for awhile & one was too involved in the day to day to see it, how is that fine? Does that give an "excuse" for cheating...no but it does give a motive & if one can't admit I'm a marriage that you were just as disconnected as the WS, how is that healthy for a BS during reconciliation for their marriage. (Also I might add I'm speaking generally since everyone think I'm specifically speaking to them & take it personally, something else I thought was obvious but I guess not)...

[Whoknew30]

I can't speak for everyone but a lot of relationships are in day to day mode and may not even realize it. Life is very busy for most people, work, kids,activities, overtime etc. so sometimes the spousal relationship suffers because of all of the other demands. I don't think it is being caught up in oneself that makes it so that they can't see their spouse is unhappy, some spouses (like mine was) are not willing to share the extent of their unhappiness. When life is busy it's easy to overlook. I can't expect my spouse to be a mind reader( as a woman I have had to learn this over the years, I used to think he should just know) and some people are great at hiding how they feel. Is contentment happiness? I think their is happiness in being content. To me if I'm content i feel supported and have my needs met, that's a big part of being happy in my books.

 

 

"When life is busy it's easy to overlook"...IMO opinion that is excuse not to pay attention to your spouse, if you truly connected as a couple you can see something is up (& i don't mean once someone senses cheating) that's the part of marriage is work. I would never police my H not to cheat but I'll definitely harass him if I think there's a problem. Now our situation was different even though I knew there was something wrong, no matter what I did he wasn't going to come to me bc he was afraid to put any stress on me bc i was really sick & the dr's told him & my family (for years)I needed to be stress freeso he started getting used to that, though he ended causing more stress bc nothing stresses me out more than not being able to solve a problem. I live for solving problems & when I couldn't solve ours, I gave up for awhile bc I felt had tried everything.

 

He was content living one way bc that was our situation but it wasn't happy that way. IMO, content isn't always happy, I think can be just real comfortable sometimes & too comfortable can make one to complacent in marriage sometimes.

[Gigi2015]

I don't think a lot of BS realize the difference between an excuse & motive. Everyone has a motive for every action which does not necessarily equal an excuse. I have no excuse for cheating at that time I did it bc I no longer cared. I will not lie or did I to my H, when he asked why...I said I no longer cared. I don't think you get more honest than that. I didnt cry, beg nor throw my OM under the bus bc those are all excuses, never did I have that or say that.

 

I agree reconciliation is about both people being healthier versions of themselves, which means both. So when I hear kids got in the way & life & bla bla bla & "it" just shouldn't of happened while saying their reconciling l, all I hear is as long as the cheating didn't happen everything would have been fine, well evidently everything wasn't fine, if you take away the cheating, it still wasn't fine if you hear your spouse had problems for awhile & one was too involved in the day to day to see it, how is that fine? Does that give an "excuse" for cheating...no but it does give a motive & if one can't admit I'm a marriage that you were just as disconnected as the WS, how is that healthy for a BS during reconciliation for their marriage. (Also I might add I'm speaking generally since everyone think I'm specifically speaking to them & take it personally, something else I thought was obvious but I guess not)...

 

The focus is always taken off the cheating and placed on excuses. It doesn't matter if your spouse had six nipples and you didn't like it...in the end you honor your commitments and if not you speak up. The option for speaking up or divorcing is always an option.

[Gigi2015]

"When life is busy it's easy to overlook"...IMO opinion that is excuse not to pay attention to your spouse, if you truly connected as a couple you can see something is up (& i don't mean once someone senses cheating) that's the part of marriage is work. I would never police my H not to cheat but I'll definitely harass him if I think there's a problem. Now our situation was different even though I knew there was something wrong, no matter what I did he wasn't going to come to me bc he was afraid to put any stress on me bc i was really sick & the dr's told him & my family (for years)I needed to be stress freeso he started getting used to that, though he ended causing more stress bc nothing stresses me out more than not being able to solve a problem. I live for solving problems & when I couldn't solve ours, I gave up for awhile bc I felt had tried everything.

 

He was content living one way bc that was our situation but it wasn't happy that way. IMO, content isn't always happy, I think can be just real comfortable sometimes & too comfortable can make one to complacent in marriage sometimes.

 

 

If you've been married long enough you know you can't always have your spouse meet all your needs...you can go months at times. It doesn't mean the love is gone. Sometimes you have to try harder. An affair is a cowardly way to not deal with your stuff in my humble opinion.

[Red123]

"When life is busy it's easy to overlook"...IMO opinion that is excuse not to pay attention to your spouse, if you truly connected as a couple you can see something is up (& i don't mean once someone senses cheating) that's the part of marriage is work. I would never police my H not to cheat but I'll definitely harass him if I think there's a problem. Now our situation was different even though I knew there was something wrong, no matter what I did he wasn't going to come to me bc he was afraid to put any stress on me bc i was really sick & the dr's told him & my family (for years)I needed to be stress freeso he started getting used to that, though he ended causing more stress bc nothing stresses me out more than not being able to solve a problem. I live for solving problems & when I couldn't solve ours, I gave up for awhile bc I felt had tried everything.

 

He was content living one way bc that was our situation but it wasn't happy that way. IMO, content isn't always happy, I think can be just real comfortable sometimes & too comfortable can make one to complacent in marriage sometimes.

 

Well I agree that as spouses we need to pay attention to each other and meet each others needs. I do believe life gets busy and I am with a grown man not a child so it is his responsibility to bring up concerns he has. I'm going to have to agree to disagree with you. Your situation is like none that I have seen with others in my life that have experienced infidelity so I have no experience to refer to to.