Report Ex MM?

[Noideanow]

doesnt matter, but yes, the wife n daughter knew we were " friends".. lady2163, yes his sense of humor was a bit crooked which olis one of the main things about him that really irritated me.. i mean here is an example of some of the stuff he would joke:

 

- u wanna try doing someone? we could get him to share hotel cost n have threesome.. ill do another girl if u jointhe guy is symbolizing your husband and the jealousy he feels while the girl is him trying to make you feel jealous as well

- go meet whoever u want, but dont take my " time slot" away . dont " run me over". So basically he knew i was meeting a guy n had other friends but didnt show any sadness.. No, i dont expect it as he is married, but if u really claim to love someone, we all do get jealous righ? cmon.cmon:confused: dont you see what you do to him, he is just sending the boomerang back at your face by ignoring your attempt to make him jealous, he is hiding his pain knowing you play a game

- after i came back from a trip.. smiling n saying "oh did u do any guy there?" The same again, wisefully not playing the game, or just so:confused:sending it back to you:)

- telling stories about other friends who he had issues with ( women) & ruining their name.. if he talks about them to me, whats the guarantee he wont manipulate others n say stuff about me? Maybe rightly so;)

- this joke about the " find a girl to marry". i dont care if he said that during another setting, but fact is, I Was LYING next to HIM IN BED! when he said this. & he had just finished saying we should be intimate. thats wat ticked me.to make you jealous as well

- " i hav pampered my wife so much she just took me for granted n forgot completely in giving back !!" - always annoying to hear, right ladies?? can u see why i was mentally disturb?to make you feel as jealous as he does your husband:(

 

 

So, please, your honest thoughts ABout this guy?? Was i justified to feel disturbed?

I marked what i think you should consider before you "judge" his charaktor:cool:

[hello214]

So ultimately, from my threads, i just want your thoughts on a few things

 

1) was my NC a good decision? even though we had a frirndship as well, but do u think going NC was better than staying in friendship and being disturbed?

 

2) from the comments he made and stuff he said, does he seem like non worthy, inept immature character who is not meant for me? does he deserve my anger & bad treatment?

 

3) how to get over obsession that his family must know i dumped his friendship and the fact /sadness that i may fade out of his memory? ( i cant stop this but i want to know how to change/alter my thought process to accept this)

[Noideanow]

So ultimately, from my threads, i just want your thoughts on a few things

 

1) was my NC a good decision? even though we had a frirndship as well, but do u think going NC was better than staying in friendship and being disturbed?

i think it is good in the way that you now think, and feel and maybe begins to see that you have to look at the root of the trouble, your marriages both of you, but i dont think you were fair to him, you have to own your own contributions to the missery which i see it is to be in love with him but go home to your husband:( (i know its difficult to grab it by the horns:()

 

2) from the comments he made and stuff he said, does he seem like non worthy, inept immature character who is not meant for me? does he deserve my anger & bad treatment?

No i would moreso say your the one "deserving" those things (your own words), where is your humility, your not stupid i think you can find it:(

 

3) how to get over obsession that his family must know i dumped his friendship and the fact /sadness that i may fade out of his memory? ( i cant stop this but i want to know how to change/alter my thought process to accept this)

when you find out if you love him or not it will solute itself:(

 

You could give him an excuse and tell him you understand why he did/ said what he did, but bettermore bring some order in your house-

[TreadingLightly]

So ultimately, from my threads, i just want your thoughts on a few things

 

1) was my NC a good decision? even though we had a friendship as well, but do u think going NC was better than staying in friendship and being disturbed?

 

I can only comment on this, and I firmly believe it is nearly impossible to go backwards in a relationship. So NC makes perfect sense.

 

I understand it is painful, it's a breakup and that hurts a lot. {hugs}

[hello214]

Guys.. im going crazy.. having anxiety and feeling a big void in my heart as he was a friend with whom i shared stuff too ( even though i initiated NC, sometimes I wonder I could have not completely cut him off and just maintained minimal connection? like no meet but just occasional hi, bye in office.. would that have worked? but problem for me is, his presemce n talk may have affected me as i was emotional.. i should be stable for that right? i should have no feeling for him if i wanted to maintain minimal contact? ugh..my mind is really disturbed, someone set me straight so i have something solid to follow and go /steer toward the right thought process?

Edited January 24, 2016 by hello214
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[Poppy47]

He wont forget you.

 

In the future you will probably thank him for ending and going NC. Ultimately it's the best thing for both of you.

 

Poppy.

[lovelee36]

Everyone is different so what works for one may not work for the other but I will say that if you're emotionally invested in this man still NC is the way to go. All that will come out of the random small talk is more hurt for you. I totally understand what you are going through right now... Something is better than nothing in your mind but that really isn't the case. You need to move on and forget about him, to heal. The process will be much easier and faster if you stay away completely as hard as that is.

[sandylee1]

You are going to drive yourself absolutely crazy...... you sound like you need medication to calm yourself down.

 

You are obsessed with being the one who ended it...

Yet wanting him to reach out....you want him to reach out then forward the message to his wife right or his daughter?

 

You said you had a huge fight and said some horrible stuff to him......you childishly asked him for a gift you've given.... why do you think he wants more of this toxic drama? You give a gift..it's no longer yours. That's playground behaviour.

 

I can tell you he's not getting this worked up at all...so you need to relax..do yoga.....meditate or workout....anything to refocus...and stop being a hot mess. Now can see affairs aren't the answer to whatever your marital problems are....

[privategal]

So ultimately, from my threads, i just want your thoughts on a few things

 

1) was my NC a good decision? even though we had a frirndship as well, but do u think going NC was better than staying in friendship and being disturbed?

 

2) from the comments he made and stuff he said, does he seem like non worthy, inept immature character who is not meant for me? does he deserve my anger & bad treatment?

 

3) how to get over obsession that his family must know i dumped his friendship and the fact /sadness that i may fade out of his memory? ( i cant stop this but i want to know how to change/alter my thought process to accept this)

These things are for YOU to judge and decide. You lived it and asked this question after 3 page's of advice. You need to think clearly, make cool calm decisions based on your boundaries and what you know of him and how you feel. The more firm you are the better off you will be in your commitment to move past this. If you waiver or are unsure and one or both of you are reaching out..you aren't done. It feels like you need someone else to make the decision for you. Only you know him and you. We will all tell you NC.

But you have to decide for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

These things are for YOU to judge and decide. You lived it and asked this question after 3 page's of advice. You need to think clearly, make cool calm decisions based on your boundaries and what you know of him and how you feel. The more firm you are the better off you will be in your commitment to move past this. If you waiver or are unsure and one or both of you are reaching out..you aren't done. It feels like you need someone else to make the decision for you. Only you know him and you. We will all tell you NC.

But you have to decide for yourself.

 

Completely agree. 100 people can tell you NC NC NC and to focus on yourself, let yourself feel that pain and ride it out, grieve the loss etc., but in the end, you're gonna do what you're gonna do.

 

Do you have the strength to stay away and understand that any contact with him is TOXIC and DAMAGING to you? DO you love yourself and respect yourself? Do you want peace and calm in your life? The obvious answer is NC but something tells me you want to maintain contact to feed your ego and how he makes you feel. You're addicted to him and the drama.

[Southern Sun]

I think the point is, hello, it's quite obvious to all of us, who aren't emotionally involved (unlike you) that going NC is exactly what you need. And NO, you should not be friends. Not only is it nearly impossible, but you will find it very painful and it will make it difficult for you to move on, putting you in continuous, miserable withdrawal. Does he deserve your anger and vitriol? We can only go by what you tell us, so we best not judge. What is safest for you at this point is to try to stop thinking about what he's thinking. I know, easier said than done. Many of us have been there. But if you can stand outside yourself for a minute, you will see how much damage this is doing to you. So while you do have to make the call and you are the only one who is in control of you, I'm just going to tell you:

 

Total NC is the right thing.

 

No, you do not need to be friends - for your own ability to move forward. If the ending isn't now, there will be one, and it could be even more painful. Please take care of yourself.

 

Anything that is causing so much anger and frustration to be directed towards others is crying out for you to stop and take a step back. Something is very wrong.

 

Again, total NC IS THE RIGHT THING.

[hello214]

Thanks for the responses.. im in extensive pain right now, tears.. why is this pain happening when im the one who went NC and know that nc would help my emotional state? Yet im in so much pain? I am trying my best to change my thoughts- reading his old text messages which drove me to cut off, looking at his ugly pics, but nothing seems to be helping.. to make it worse we work at the same place and its hell going n sitting in the same seat where he used to come and stand beside me or sit next to me.. im in tears as i type this.. i have not seen him yet tho as ive been hiding.. every minute sitting there is so tough.. i dont know wat to do to change my mind to dislike him shouldnt it be easier for me as i went NC first?

[privategal]

When you start an A...unfortunately you (and all of us) make your bed.

You have to unfortunately pay the price when its over. You dont get to just walk away and it be happy and easy.

The suffering is part of it.

You have to own your part, you are both equally responsible for this pain.

Hating, blaming, it won't help.

A calm mantra...its over, it wasn't right for our lives, Im going to heal and stay NC to make a new start and a better life"

Focus on your work.

You both need to stay away and no drama.

Just a calm resolve to go through this pain quietly and methodically until you can start to feel inner peace and calm and indifference.

The intense pain is going to be there for a good while. Accept it and face it.

Dont be petty, play mind games, start drama and be weighing out who ended it.

He needs to work and so do you.

So work. You've both created a mess that only time will help you see your way out of.

Your ego is causing more problems hoping he begs, hoping alot of vindictive things cause u don't want the end for him to be easy. Who cares, every one will suffer here so keep your head straight. Cry at home. Work for now.

Edited January 25, 2016 by privategal

[Southern Sun]

Thanks for the responses.. im in extensive pain right now, tears.. why is this pain happening when im the one who went NC and know that nc would help my emotional state? Yet im in so much pain? I am trying my best to change my thoughts- reading his old text messages which drove me to cut off, looking at his ugly pics, but nothing seems to be helping.. to make it worse we work at the same place and its hell going n sitting in the same seat where he used to come and stand beside me or sit next to me.. im in tears as i type this.. i have not seen him yet tho as ive been hiding.. every minute sitting there is so tough.. i dont know wat to do to change my mind to dislike him shouldnt it be easier for me as i went NC first?

 

Yes to what Privategal said and also, what you're feeling is very common. I think when we are the ones that pull the plug, because we can be so emotionally focused, it is easy to start feeling confused and guilty and we question ourselves and don't trust our own judgment. That's where you are right now. But you really can trust your own judgment. It's correct, you've just lost your gauge over time, most likely due to how the affair has affected your self-esteem. Just imagine how you will feel in a few days, weeks, or months if you go back on your words now and get yourself stuck right back in this mess all over again.

 

Also, if there is any way you can change to a different area or even better, change jobs entirely, you should do it.

 

Just be strong ((((hello))))

[hello214]

thanks for the patience.. i know part of the pain is my fault for getting involved, but hey we are helpless n tempted thats why we are all here.. whats making me feel horrible is thinking i had to dump him because i was emotionally weak.. i want to rather think it was because he was not good enough to maintain a relation or friendship with- i mean in terms of how he spoke, his comments, etc.. i was pretty irritated.. i think what would make me feel better is some assurance that this guy was unworthy of my time & not good, hence good for me to dump.. i am still enraged at his comments..not that i was emotionAl.. i know that this is all for me to judge, but what do u think from what ive told u about him? i guess im just searching for reassurance that he wasnt worthy n not that its cause i was too into him so had to break off.. (

[Popsicle]

Instead of thinking either of those things, you should focus more on the fact that it has to end because it is wrong.

 

I'm not trying to be a moralist with this. I'm hardly in a position to do that. I just think this perspective is less damaging to all involved.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Popsicle

[hello214]

yes true its wrong as it is for all of us here.. but if i say i ended because its wrong, sadly it wont give me a sense of closure or satisfaction, cuz we all do things that are wrong n thats why we are here.

 

whats bugging me is thinking i had to dump him because i was emotionally getting attached.. i want to rather think it was because he was not good enough to maintain a relation or friendship with- i mean in terms of how he spoke, his comments, etc.. i was pretty irritated.. i think what would make me feel better is some assurance that this guy was unworthy of my time & not good, hence good for me to dump.. i am still enraged at his comments..not that i was emotionAl.. i know that this is all for me to judge, but what do u think from what ive told u about him? i guess im just searching for reassurance that he wasnt worthy n not that its cause i was too into him so had to break off.. (

[Grey Cloud]

Hello - I think we all put our AP's on a pedestal and think they are wonderful when they are flawed like the rest of us! I know I wouldn't give my AP a second glance if he was a stranger and walked past me on the street! Why don't you make a list of all the things he said or did that irritated you? I thought my AP was amazing in the beginning when I was in the infatuation phase but after a few months he would annoy me in some of the things he said. For me I think the blinkers started to come off but I was so addicted to the high of the A I was willing to overlook these things to keep the fantasy of the "ideal partner" alive.

[hello214]

what worked for you in forgetting ex AP and going toward no feeling for them? how has it happened for u?

did u:

 

- have to force it, ie read their old bad texts, keep reading list of negative things about them, see ugly pics etc..

- or did u focus on someone else

- did you just do your own thing, let mind take its course, focus on work and they gradually left your heart and mind and your thought process began to change?

[13Hearts]

Slow process, a lot of self-discipline and resolve to fix my life. Always keeping in my mind that I need to do what is healthy for ME and stop letting that person's desires trump my needs.

 

First: Stopped having sex with him.

 

Then, I stopped believing everything he told me. I stopped believing all the stuff he did for me or bought for me were because he loved me and meant we were going to be together.

 

Then stopped answering all of his text messages immediately. Would text only when I had the time. Then only twice a day, then once a day, etc., until very rarely. Eventually he got the hint and doesn't text me as much anymore.

 

I realized I had him on a pedestal for quite a while. I had to let him be just who he was: A guy. Cheating on his wife. And lying to her. Not very attractive when you look at reality, huh?

 

Realized that "I need you" is really just codependence. An unhealthy way of relating that I easily fall victim to. I stopped letting his words carry weight in this regard.

 

It's not hard. We just tell ourselves it is and so we keep on believing it.

[waterwoman]

In my case (EA- 20 plus years ago) I moved jobs, got busy and then had kids. Within a year I rarely thought of him. He had become irrelevant.

[hello214]

in this whole process of dumping MM, ive been more obsessed with the fact that his wife & daughter( who once pinged me to stay away) know that IM the one who got rid of him.. I mean i took such a strong step, i want credit.. we are all in the same town n we know mutual ppl and i want the history to always be that im the one who left his friendship.. he knows it, i know it but i want his messed up family to realize too, i hate them.. ugh.. i know i may sound kiddish but at this moment this is wat i feel n not able to move on happily if they dont know i didnt want him. anyone else felt like this? will this feeling go away with time as he starts to matter less to me?

[anika99]

His family are going to think poorly of you no matter who dumped who and if your MM tells them that you are lying they will likely believe him over you. Why do you care what they think?

[Satu]

It doesn't matter what they think.

 

What matters is what you think.

[13Hearts]

Thanks for the responses.. im in extensive pain right now, tears.. why is this pain happening when im the one who went NC and know that nc would help my emotional state? Yet im in so much pain? I am trying my best to change my thoughts- reading his old text messages which drove me to cut off, looking at his ugly pics, but nothing seems to be helping.. to make it worse we work at the same place and its hell going n sitting in the same seat where he used to come and stand beside me or sit next to me.. im in tears as i type this.. i have not seen him yet tho as ive been hiding.. every minute sitting there is so tough.. i dont know wat to do to change my mind to dislike him shouldnt it be easier for me as i went NC first?

Emotional pain is always your psyche's way of telling you that the way you have been thinking, feeling, and living needs to change. Pain always means you need to grow. It never means another person needs to do anything.

 

The way you get through this is you feel the pain and do it anyway. "It" meaning what you know is right and healthy for YOU. You keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't judge yourself. Be kind to yourself and practice acceptance and forgiveness.

 

Seek and you will find.