Report Ex MM?

[Miss Clavel]

i just feel so disrespected n worry abt the story of me hes gonna tell others..

 

Cut.print.

 

 

 

 

You're mad at yourself, I suspect, because you lowered yourself for someone that is beneath you.

 

Own it.

 

NC

 

Good luck.

[Lady2163]

doesnt matter, but yes, the wife n daughter knew we were " friends".. lady2163, yes his sense of humor was a bit crooked which olis one of the main things about him that really irritated me.. i mean here is an example of some of the stuff he would joke:

 

- u wanna try doing someone? we could get him to share hotel cost n have threesome.. ill do another girl if u join

- go meet whoever u want, but dont take my " time slot" away . dont " run me over". So basically he knew i was meeting a guy n had other friends but didnt show any sadness.. No, i dont expect it as he is married, but if u really claim to love someone, we all do get jealous righ? cmon.

- after i came back from a trip.. smiling n saying "oh did u do any guy there?"

- telling stories about other friends who he had issues with ( women) & ruining their name.. if he talks about them to me, whats the guarantee he wont manipulate others n say stuff about me?

- this joke about the " find a girl to marry". i dont care if he said that during another setting, but fact is, I Was LYING next to HIM IN BED! when he said this. & he had just finished saying we should be intimate. thats wat ticked me.

- " i hav pampered my wife so much she just took me for granted n forgot completely in giving back !!" - always annoying to hear, right ladies?? can u see why i was mentally disturb?

 

 

So, please, your honest thoughts ABout this guy?? Was i justified to feel disturbed?

 

Okay, now take a few deep breaths, step back and just try to understand what I'm telling you. From what I've read, only in this post, I do think you're not thinking clearly.

 

First of all, men and women are different. One of the best pop culture examples I've found for determine compatibility is of all things, The Blue Collar gang. Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cabe guy and Ron White. Bill Engvall is my favorite. He appears to take real life events and put a humorous twist on them. He presents a persona that this stuff really happened to him. Yet, I can't stand Ron White. My brothers and nephews think he is hysterical. He appears to be a cigar smoking lush, with little regard for women and his go to topics are farts and poop.

 

Your MM obviously finds sex and different sex scenarios funny. It is a source of amusement for him. If you knew this BEFORE you got attached to him, you seem to expect him to change because you don't like it or find it funny. He could possibly be saying these things to goad you, to fill in dead space in a conversation or because he wants to experiment a LOT sexually. Sex is funny to a lot of people. Curiousity about the sexual unknown is common.

 

Maybe he did pamper his wife. Maybe he did work too hard in and out of the home. He's telling you he's been there and done that. He doesn't want someone who isn't going to pamper him. I don't think you're listening to the message of what he is saying. His future wife will pamper him. She will be I tune with his sense of humor and peccadillos. She will be drama-free. She won't be a hot mess emotionally. You've worked yourself out of that position.

 

Not to mention you're still married and haven't said anything about divorcing or having a timetable. How long should he wait for you? The statistic used to be after a divorce men remarry in six months, women in six years.

 

I was never jealous of the MMs wife or family. I'd ask what presents were bought or received for birthdays and Christmas. I'd ask what they did on the weekend or vacation. Geez, much of the conversations we had were those that I've had with previous best friends. I wanted him to be happy and I still do. I want to believe his family is all happy and healthy and he is content.

 

Now, I wasn't a saint. He is in a profession where he gives many public presentations. I went to a few where I could blend in with the crowd. I had some jealous twinges when I would watch his easy rapport and mannerisms with some of his female colleagues and subordinates.

 

The bottom line from what I have read from you, is you have had both an EA and PA with someone that you are just NOT compatible with. If you do decide to divorce your husband, I hope you will take some time and counseling to find yourself.

 

I had a friend once who was always chasing the bad boys. She liked the heavy metal, long haired grungy biker tattoo types. Now, not to say that anyone who partakes of any of those lifestyles is a horrible person or loser, but time after time she would hook up, connect and marry theses men. The marriages were all short term because shock of shocks, they did drugs, were alcoholics, gamblers, beat on her, would get fired from their jobs frequently, would spend the last dime in the account on a new engine and not even remember their anniversary. There are some decent men and women in those groups, but there's also a lot of the people she would bring home. 30 years later she hasn't figured it out that some counter cultures and counter for a reason. They prefer to live on the outside of society.

 

You're trying to hard to make this guy "fit you". You chose poorly. Let him go and accept the fact that he will probably bad mouth you. Fix or end your marriage.

[hello214]

Well no i wasnt planning to divorce my husband and another major reason i got irritated at this guy is cuz, well i dont expect him to divorce his wife, but he would always complain n whine that hes in major " stress" and said marriage is over, etc stuff like this.. he was such an exaggerator.. once hes like this marriage is done n im gonna update my status on FB .. but never happened.. I HATEd this.. its like at least be honest!!! am i right?? and he never really seriously propsed marriage to me, he more said something like he would live with me, so its like oh so u want me to just live w/ but hav someone else as wife.. Ugh i dunno i dont want to analyze too much but bottom line is HE WAS NEVER LEAVINg his wife.. to clarify. So i couldnt take always hearing about the family, even small things he would share would affect me.. how did u ladies keep yourself from being healous or emotionally affected when MM spoke abt family?? i mean didnt u wish u could do all that with him n u didnt feel ur time and affection was being taken advantage of? please share your thought process on how u didnt get affected.

[hello214]

I am going through NC.. all other times before, he would break nc after 3 days, but this time i was serious and harsh and its been 3 weeks of no talk or see.. all though a part of me is glad we are NC and i know it may be for best, but i cant help feel sad at the thought of HIM FORGETTING ME he used to be very persistent and to know that is gone & if he starts to no longer care and if i fade from his mind n heart? This pain is unbearable to tolerate.. how to cope with this? But then again i think, if he does contact me, then we start the whole cycle again right? and wats the point, not going to have a future..

[insidemymind02]

I am going through NC.. all other times before, he would break nc after 3 days, but this time i was serious and harsh and its been 3 weeks of no talk or see.. all though a part of me is glad we are NC and i know it may be for best, but i cant help feel sad at the thought of HIM FORGETTING ME he used to be very persistent and to know that is gone & if he starts to no longer care and if i fade from his mind n heart? This pain is unbearable to tolerate.. how to cope with this? But then again i think, if he does contact me, then we start the whole cycle again right? and wats the point, not going to have a future..

 

Hang in there! As someone who has been on the NC cycle several times it does get better. I think that you want him to fade from you mind and heart as a part of this healing process. Block all opportunities to contact you so that you won't get caught up in the obsessive cycle of checking your phone, email, etc. Keep yourself busy, love yourself, take care of yourself. This is a time that is about you, and not him.

 

hugs

[RySant]

I think, coping or moving on has to do with one's location as well. If you are like, for example, living in a secluded area where you rarely see or interact people when you are at home, that's when the loneliness and the craziness starts to consume you.

 

Being with many people, friends and family truly helped me when dealing with coping. I heard that the East Coast is experiencing the coldest winter yet, and that ADDS to the solace and despair one feels when dealing with break ups, whether it is an appropriate relationship or not.

[Lady2163]

I say this gently, I know you're going through a loss, but your very focused on yourself.

 

Whenever we as humans lose friends, whether through our fault, their fault or circumstance, I think it is normal to want them to hurt, grieve and miss us.

 

But, you seem to want to know he is suffering. That isn't love. That's some kind of unhealthy teenaged reaction.

 

I'm sure, since this wasn't a one night stand and he put a lot at risk, he isn't going to forget you. But, maybe sadly for you, without a Dday, his life will continue, without much of a hiccup, at least on the outside.

 

You want to know that you mattered to him, that you were valued. Start your healing process and then find someone who doesn't ever make you feel like you are forgettable.

[hello214]

Well i know i mattered to him, but now knowing that he can live without contacting me is making me feel a little sad.. him being silent means he can live life without me, right? this enrages me a little too, then why expect affection from me and love and emotionaly bound me when you are ok to live without me? anyways.. is my thinking weird? I just want to get past this feeling about him forgetting me & me fading from his mind.. its sad to think about...

[lftbehind]

Well no i wasnt planning to divorce my husband and another major reason i got irritated at this guy is cuz, well i dont expect him to divorce his wife, but he would always complain n whine that hes in major " stress" and said marriage is over, etc stuff like this.. he was such an exaggerator.. once hes like this marriage is done n im gonna update my status on FB .. but never happened.. I HATEd this.. its like at least be honest!!! am i right?? and he never really seriously propsed marriage to me, he more said something like he would live with me, so its like oh so u want me to just live w/ but hav someone else as wife.. Ugh i dunno i dont want to analyze too much but bottom line is HE WAS NEVER LEAVINg his wife.. to clarify. So i couldnt take always hearing about the family, even small things he would share would affect me.. how did u ladies keep yourself from being healous or emotionally affected when MM spoke abt family?? i mean didnt u wish u could do all that with him n u didnt feel ur time and affection was being taken advantage of? please share your thought process on how u didnt get affected.

 

I'm having that same problem. It's hard when MM talks about his family and wife. He says that she's mad at him a lot and he's unhappy. He has talked about leaving her eventually. He enjoys being with me a lot, but due to his starting new job I won't be able to see him. I was seeing him almost every week for 7 months. It's hard to hear him talking about places that they are going to go, when I can't spend time with him anymore.

[basil67]

Well i know i mattered to him, but now knowing that he can live without contacting me is making me feel a little sad.. him being silent means he can live life without me, right? this enrages me a little too, then why expect affection from me and love and emotionaly bound me when you are ok to live without me? anyways.. is my thinking weird? I just want to get past this feeling about him forgetting me & me fading from his mind.. its sad to think about...

 

Ah, so he's not holding up his end of the deal to endlessly pine for you? Because this is really what it's about - your ego is suffering the consequences of your request for NC.

 

Stick with it and push that ego down. When you and he are both ambivalent about each other, you'll feel great. It's worth it.

[Adoraxx]

Well i know i mattered to him, but now knowing that he can live without contacting me is making me feel a little sad.. him being silent means he can live life without me, right? this enrages me a little too, then why expect affection from me and love and emotionaly bound me when you are ok to live without me? anyways.. is my thinking weird? I just want to get past this feeling about him forgetting me & me fading from his mind.. its sad to think about...

 

I know what you mean... It really hurts and I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't . I also feel like I never mattered to him (today is day 81 of NC) and I bet he is totally happy now that I'm out of his life and he probably doesn't even think about me anymore at all

[NewLeaf512]

I am going through NC.. all other times before, he would break nc after 3 days, but this time i was serious and harsh and its been 3 weeks of no talk or see.. all though a part of me is glad we are NC and i know it may be for best, but i cant help feel sad at the thought of HIM FORGETTING ME he used to be very persistent and to know that is gone & if he starts to no longer care and if i fade from his mind n heart? This pain is unbearable to tolerate.. how to cope with this? But then again i think, if he does contact me, then we start the whole cycle again right? and wats the point, not going to have a future..

 

They never forget us. We are always there, the one that they muse about even if they R, from time to time and sometimes more we cross their mind. Bet on it.

[Popsicle]

I remember feeling like this too but I think it's mostly because you aren't really ready for it to end. You aren't ready to give up the dream. There are so many emotions, so many feelings. You love him, you hate him. You can't think straight, but in the end, Newleaf is right, they never forget, you never forget.

[Popsicle]

Well no i wasnt planning to divorce my husband and another major reason i got irritated at this guy is cuz, well i dont expect him to divorce his wife, but he would always complain n whine that hes in major " stress" and said marriage is over, etc stuff like this.. he was such an exaggerator.. once hes like this marriage is done n im gonna update my status on FB .. but never happened.. I HATEd this.. its like at least be honest!!! am i right?? and he never really seriously propsed marriage to me, he more said something like he would live with me, so its like oh so u want me to just live w/ but hav someone else as wife.. Ugh i dunno i dont want to analyze too much but bottom line is HE WAS NEVER LEAVINg his wife.. to clarify. So i couldnt take always hearing about the family, even small things he would share would affect me.. how did u ladies keep yourself from being healous or emotionally affected when MM spoke abt family?? i mean didnt u wish u could do all that with him n u didnt feel ur time and affection was being taken advantage of? please share your thought process on how u didnt get affected.

 

Thankfully, my xMM never talked about his marriage or wife. (Save for one time, which I had mixed feelings about). If he had done it a lot or future faked, I'm pretty sure I would have asked him if we could just focus on the moment together right now and not talk about the future or crappy relationships.

[privategal]

I remember feeling like this too but I think it's mostly because you aren't really ready for it to end. You aren't ready to give up the dream. There are so many emotions, so many feelings. You love him, you hate him. You can't think straight, but in the end, Newleaf is right, they never forget, you never forget.

 

He probably maybe tries to forget but its weighing on him too but he is exercising self control like quitting smoking and is determined this time to end the cycle.

It doesn't mean nothing was real at the time you were in it.

It means he is thinking with his head not his heart. Men are more stoic and logical.

He will always remember and feel some sadness Im sure. He might read stories like these on these sights, might have done math on divorce...who knows.

Your heart isn't used to NC yet...you had HOPE he would keep the 3 day routine. Its only dawning on you its over....Im sorry.

[hello214]

Ok guys, so after everything intold u about him, does my decision to go NC sound like a good one? does his character n deameanor seem not compatible or fit to continue with? i mean cmon, even as an affair partner, one needs to maintain some respect right?? I know that throughout our friendship, i always internaly had issues, disturbances, which would cause me to get into some conflicts with him.. so does that seem unhealthy? I know the answer to my own question i guess, i know it was bad hence went NC but i guess just wanting othes to confirm... . And how am i supposed to get over the part about wanting others to know im the one who cut him off as a friend? but, as long as deep down he knows that, thats all that should matter right?

[solostand]

They don't forget you. I was recently forced to talk to my X-MM after almost a year, due to some horrible things my ex-husband was doing to his family (completely without my knowledge). Things like putting up a fake facebook page as MM and outing the affair and friending all his family, and other crap like that. The MMs family thought it was me, but x-MM didn't. Anyway he called me in desperation. I was gobsmacked that this had been going on so long without my knowledge. He said it was ruining his life. I was able to put a stop to it (thank you police). Afterwards me and x-MM had a nice chat and he said he thinks of me often, and gave examples. It was kind of nice to catch up.

[hello214]

You know, part of me actually doesnt want him to pine for me, because i want to start process of complete disconnect..but naturally, it will feel a little bad, that once this persistent guy, who kept pursuing me after i suggested NC, is now silent.. but in a way, i think of it like, good he is respecting my wishes and not coming after me, so he cannot take advantage of me anymore ( have me as his " angel" helping him through stressful times" as he put it.. am i correct? this is true right? he will no longer hav advantage of having both me n family n cant take up my time.?

[lemondrop21]

I think he's just trying harder than usual to finally "do the right thing." Who knows what precipitated this. It may even be that he's trying not to hurt you further since he realizes you'll never have a real relationship with him.

 

Regardless, he won't forget you. I haven't read your story but I'm assuming he's in some sort of mediocre marriage. If he intends to stay in it and stay faithful, the idea of you could very well torment him forever. I know it's not very nice to wish for people to be tormented but I get it, believe me.

[privategal]

If you really think of it during A you stop mattering to yourself. Your a slave to your phone, worried, anxious, jumping for calls and to meet and say and do all the right things, be pretty, make him happy, watch your weight, be engaging...you just get so lost in a different world.

My ex eap told me after 5 months NC that "not a day goes by, I didn't think of you"

But realistically did it help me to know? No.

Even if your in low contact it hurts too, and full blown affair hurts, being friends after hurts...

Its all truly a lose lose except complete NC and true healing.

You need a mantra for acceptance "I accept it's over, its better for BOTH of us"

Do nothing to see him even online.

Rearrange and stay active and as many healthy habits as possible..pick up running or a class, yoga, eat healthy, get rest, if you feel you need it get a few counseling sessions, do mediration from youtube.

Just keep going forward.

His thoughts and knowing them are irrelevant, the why's, they're endless and worthless cause affairs end. All of them at some point.

We are all in pain.

Take time. Its going to get better.

[hello214]

Yea true he could be trying to respect my wishes, & that actually puts me at peace that hes listening to me and not talking.. however, I am not asking for him to be tormented about my thoughts because wishing that WILL MAKE ME WEAk, and i dont want to have any such feeling for him that i wish he is disturbed.. get what i mean? I Want to practice INDIFFERENCE.. but itss so hard:( I m anxious.. im going crazy ..truth is even though i declared NC, i miss talking to him & knowing what hes upto.. & even know i dont want him to keep thinking of me, it really hurts that i may fade from his mind.. i dont want reassurance that he wont forget me, i want to know how to cope with the fact that i may eventually fade from his memory?

Edited January 24, 2016 by hello214

[Noideanow]

I think all this pain and Confusion your in is only natural because your both married and frustrated, there is no Way around it:( to me what he has Said to you, the examples you mentioned, Seem perfectly understandable and all signs of jealousy because your married (and was even seeing somebody else if i understood correctly)

 

You have to begin to focus on the root of the sicknes and Cure it instead of fucussing on all those symptoms that are drivning you confused:( just my thoughts:)

[Noideanow]

What do you get out of being in his memory, if you dont wanna end up with him,? Would you like for the affair to continue "forever"?, was it all you could Dream of:)

[Southern Sun]

I've read through your threads...not sure where to start. But I hope for your sake you can calm down, let this rest. Let it be. Because this MM was not good to you. YOU were not good to you. You allowed yourself to be disrespected by him. You showed him how to treat you. He said certain things to you, treated you in certain ways because you appeared to be up for it. Yet inside, in your heart, you weren't. You wanted him to take care of you, protect you, take care of your feelings. But that wasn't the set up. He assumed that you were taking care of yourself, because you were "down for a good time" with him. It comes across in all of the comments you've shared with us. I'm so sorry, perhaps you felt that he showed he cared at times (bringing you food, etc.). But you becoming desperate, upset, chasing him down, freaking out...that is going to do nothing but debase you further, in his eyes AND yours.

 

Love yourself more than him. That's it.

[whichwayisup]

Focus more on you and your own grieving and healing rather than what he is thinking or feeling. NC is NC and that means doing your best to change your thought pattern to exclude him from your mind. HE isn't worthy to be in your head anymore. Besides, you cannot control what he does, says or thinks - on or offline. Rise above it and put yourself first.