Bittersweetie Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I just wanted to say...I wasn't trying to minimize the progress MP or Jenkins have made with my earlier post. Just another perspective. I recently read Ester Perel and it was very interesting. After d-day when I read a lot of books, I did a couple of John Gottman ones too that were helpful. Also Not Just Friends to help recognize boundaries within a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if too much pressure is put on us to have "excitement" in a marriage. In the past six years I've been a lot more sensitive to the health of my marriage, and while there have been exciting times, there have also been boring and even annoying times. I think what I realize now is that they tend to be phases and things usually even out. For example, my H and I went on an amazing, exciting trip abroad. Less than a year later we had a premature baby and were getting no sleep or us time. Now that we have a preschooler, I just look for ways to make small connections...a back rub, listening to a story, picking something up at the store as a surprise. And if we get an hour or so out without the kid, that is way exciting to me! Maybe it's about adjusting expectations depending on circumstances, but yet not settling. A balance. Have a great weekend guys. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 "Sometimes I think that many of our problems stem from the fact that we have come to expect too much from life. We expect to be excited and living life to the full every minute. I think that this is perhaps what marks us out more than anything as different from our parents' and especially grandparents' generations. I think a major challenge for us is to find genuine happiness and fulfillment in the simple things we do that could otherwise be considered routine, instead of fantasising about what else we could be doing. " This is apposite in our house atm. Not in regard to an affair but in regard to my eldest boy. He is 19, didn't do all that well at school but has managed to land a good apprenticeship with a local company. He started off buoyed with excitement and enthusiasm but recently has begun to show signs of frustration and boredom. But I have been at pains to tell him that life tends to be like that at times - you do the things you have to do to be able to do the things you WANT to do. He could mess this up because he isn't having a wild time 24 hours a day, and lose his apprenticeship, or he could knuckle down, do the hard graft in expectation of increasing pay and prospects and enjoy the bits of his days that are genuinely enjoyable and satisfying. I guess it comes to that old-fashioned phrase 'counting your blessings' and most importantly of all, looking to yourself to be happy. But HE is only 19 so I guess I can cut him some slack... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Hey thanks Pops, you are great! I have just Googled the John Gottman book and it looks very good. I think it would be well worth me buying that because as well as analysing the factors that make successful/unsuccessful marriages, it also includes advice as to how you can improve your own marriage. I do believe that I am in a good marriage, but I must admit my affair has left my head in a mess and I feel vulnerable and unsure about so many things. I always try to sound positive and optimistic in my posts, and it is genuine. But I have to admit that I am hurting and often low and still carry doubts and confusion underneath all that. The thing is, I so desperately want to be happy in my marriage and to get past this. I think that in itself is a positive. I think that thanks to you, I have some reading ahead of me - reading that will help! Will Google Falling in love too,! Many many thanks and have a good weekend Pops and others. Okay, well don't overload yourself with all 3 at once. They are all 3 vastly different books presenting different ideas to think about. I recommend tackling one at a time starting with probably Esther Perel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 I just wanted to say...I wasn't trying to minimize the progress MP or Jenkins have made with my earlier post. Just another perspective. I recently read Ester Perel and it was very interesting. After d-day when I read a lot of books, I did a couple of John Gottman ones too that were helpful. Also Not Just Friends to help recognize boundaries within a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if too much pressure is put on us to have "excitement" in a marriage. In the past six years I've been a lot more sensitive to the health of my marriage, and while there have been exciting times, there have also been boring and even annoying times. I think what I realize now is that they tend to be phases and things usually even out. For example, my H and I went on an amazing, exciting trip abroad. Less than a year later we had a premature baby and were getting no sleep or us time. Now that we have a preschooler, I just look for ways to make small connections...a back rub, listening to a story, picking something up at the store as a surprise. And if we get an hour or so out without the kid, that is way exciting to me! Maybe it's about adjusting expectations depending on circumstances, but yet not settling. A balance. Have a great weekend guys. It is a very tough time with young kids. My youngest is almost independent now and let me tell you, it makes a huge difference in your life. It frees up your time and stress level so that you can be more whimsical and get back to that more carefree place that you were in before kids. So if you both can stick it out and remember that it will get better one day, you won't regret it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 NC Day 22. I'm starting to get to the point where I think about her mostly when I'm posting these updates, which might defeat the purpose. If I find myself going for a few days without thinking about her, and then posting here and going "Oh I realize I miss her!", I'll probably stop posting here entirely. I feel great (maybe 90%) and the past few weeks have been great at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Sometimes I wonder if too much pressure is put on us to have "excitement" in a marriage. There is way too much expectations of marriage. I'm getting to a point in my life where I realize that in order to have a healthy life you NEED a fair amount boring stuff and get thru it without resenting it. I used to feel that in order for life to be worthwhile it should feel like "a big party." But the party gets old and it's never as fun as it's suppose to be. Edited March 1, 2016 by Summer3 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 There is way too much expectations of marriage. I'm getting to a point in my life where I realize that in order to have a healthy life you NEED a fair amount boring stuff and get thru it without resenting it. I used to feel that in order for life to be worthwhile it should feel like "a big party." But the party gets old and it's never as fun as it's suppose to be. Good shout Summer. So much of my affair was about chasing fantasies and unsustainable levels of excitement. It's only after a lot of NC that I can step back and see that now. I am learning to be happy with the normal, everyday things now,a dn not see them as boring or routine - it's working well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 Summer and Jenkins, Yes I see how we dismiss routine as "dull" or even "suffocating." I've been guilty of that many times over the past few years. I will try to start focusing on the good stuff: that my life is relatively free of drama, that I can depend on my wife to stay sane and responsible (as I've been except for the past year), and that we have intelligent, caring and well-adjusted kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Good shout Summer. So much of my affair was about chasing fantasies and unsustainable levels of excitement. It's only after a lot of NC that I can step back and see that now. I am learning to be happy with the normal, everyday things now,a dn not see them as boring or routine - it's working well. Daily survival tasks are necessary. Plus, you cannot compare someone who is forbidden, to a spouse, who is family on the level of excitement. Most of life is a Merry-Go-Round...if you're lucky. Summer and Jenkins, Yes I see how we dismiss routine as "dull" or even "suffocating." I've been guilty of that many times over the past few years. I will try to start focusing on the good stuff: that my life is relatively free of drama, that I can depend on my wife to stay sane and responsible (as I've been except for the past year), and that we have intelligent, caring and well-adjusted kids. Daily gratitude has helped me. It's easy to want what's missing but hard to appreciate what is there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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