I have ended things PERMANENTLY with my affair partner/special "friend"

[MightyPen]

MP, did you have a good Valentine's Day with your wife?

 

Have you recaptured some of the spark that compelled you to search elsewhere?

 

Yes and no.

 

Yes, we had a great V-Day - lots of affection and some steamy moments.

 

But no, the spark's not there entirely. That's going to take a while, and it will have to involve me admitting that she can't meet all my needs (no one can) and that I need to find appropriate ways of filling those needs.

[Summer3]

And I think it's mostly the frequency. Like with her, we'd talk(or type) pretty much every day, at least for 15 minutes or so. I got my "fix" of stimulating chat. Yeah it was probably an addiction. I became accustomed to constantly having my need fed.

 

 

You've described it perfectly. She was your "love drug" and you are now going thru withdrawal. You'll need to watch yourself now. One, never flirt with women. Flirting is the "gateway drug" to the "love drug." You cannot be friends with women. You need to monitor yourself because nobody else is going to do this for you. If you want a nice warm safe loving marriage you don't get to play "sexting." You will need to replace the love drug with other things. Find them, do them and realize you'll ALWAYS be in recovery.

[MightyPen]

You've described it perfectly. She was your "love drug" and you are now going thru withdrawal. You'll need to watch yourself now. One, never flirt with women. Flirting is the "gateway drug" to the "love drug." You cannot be friends with women. You need to monitor yourself because nobody else is going to do this for you. If you want a nice warm safe loving marriage you don't get to play "sexting." You will need to replace the love drug with other things. Find them, do them and realize you'll ALWAYS be in recovery.

 

 

Well that's the rub. What do I replace it with? At the moment, I am just trying to focus, with laser precision, on work and fitness during the day. I'm taking walks during the day (our office is within walking distance of a park). I find that I can sometimes lift myself out of a "fog" by taking a 10-15 minute walk. I'm also considering buying an exercise bike and putting it in my office. Still, my days last week felt rather empty. I text a few friends during the day, but it's always short and sweet. I miss having in-depth conversations with her.

 

But I am monitoring myself and I am making sure to check in here each day.

 

Oh, and NC Day 9.

[CarrieT]

Like an alcoholic who knows he can never have a drink again, sometimes you have to realize there is NO "replacement" to that infidelity drug you crave.

 

One simply learns of its existence and then accepts the empty feeling of its absence without ever finding a "replacement."

 

The acceptance comes through reading the pain and anguish of those who have experienced the deception of a loved one and know you are doing the right thing. You deal with it. You accept it. And then - at some point in the future - you will suddenly realize your craving for they drug is a distant memory. You don't remember exactly how the drug felt or what it did to you. There is just a recollection that at one point, you were a different person - someone you are actually ashamed of having been - and you don't want to be that person again.

 

And THAT feeling is the replacement for the drug....

[Summer3]

Well that's the rub. What do I replace it with? At the moment, I am just trying to focus, with laser precision, on work and fitness during the day. I'm taking walks during the day (our office is within walking distance of a park). I find that I can sometimes lift myself out of a "fog" by taking a 10-15 minute walk. I'm also considering buying an exercise bike and putting it in my office. Still, my days last week felt rather empty. I text a few friends during the day, but it's always short and sweet. I miss having in-depth conversations with her.

 

But I am monitoring myself and I am making sure to check in here each day.

 

Oh, and NC Day 9.

 

It's going to take about a year to reset your brain chemistry. Sometimes you'll be fine and other times you'll get urges to contact her "just to say hi," which in reality means you are looking for a euphoric fix to get thru the day. Romance is a powerful drug and when you couple it with forbidden sexuality it's intoxicating. Or at least that is what you were raised to think.

 

Affairs are glamorized and packaged as an escape from mediocrity in our culture. If you want to have a meaningful life, one that you can be proud of, you'll need to figure out what you really need.

[Bittersweetie]

I have to agree with PPs on the drug stuff. I can clearly see now that talking to xOM gave me a rush, I even got a rush if I could find something new on him on Google or Facebook. After d-day, I got the urge to contact xOM...and I thought, WTF? I don't want anything to do with him, but yet I so wanted contact, or look him up. I realized I wanted a fix, a rush. My life was in shambles of my own making, and I just wanted to get a rush to feel better.

 

I found looking at NC as breaking an addiction was helpful...and taking it one day at a time. It took a while but the urge for a fix faded. Even now, occasionally, I'll get the urge, but I see it for what it is: not any interest in xOM, but the want of a rush. So I usually eat a chocolate, or like you are doing, MP, go for a walk. And that helps.

 

Good luck.

[jenkins95]

I have to agree with PPs on the drug stuff. I can clearly see now that talking to xOM gave me a rush, I even got a rush if I could find something new on him on Google or Facebook. After d-day, I got the urge to contact xOM...and I thought, WTF? I don't want anything to do with him, but yet I so wanted contact, or look him up. I realized I wanted a fix, a rush. My life was in shambles of my own making, and I just wanted to get a rush to feel better.

 

I found looking at NC as breaking an addiction was helpful...and taking it one day at a time. It took a while but the urge for a fix faded. Even now, occasionally, I'll get the urge, but I see it for what it is: not any interest in xOM, but the want of a rush. So I usually eat a chocolate, or like you are doing, MP, go for a walk. And that helps.

 

Good luck.

 

Very good post Bittersweetie. My experience sounds just like yours. How long have you been in NC now? I've been a few months. It's getting easier but I'm not out of the woods yet, and I still get very strong compulsions to contact AP....'just to see how she is!' I really hope to feel normal one day, and go whole days where I don't think of her..... That's a long way away.

 

MightyPen, well done - nearly 10 days in and it seems like you are doing great from your posts. Keep going, we are here for you.

[MightyPen]

NC Day 10.

 

I read all the comments from yesterday, and yeah I totally agree about the addictive nature of our talks and the science behind the "rush." Trust me, I've read lots of articles about it over the past year. I understood what it was - but I liked it so much I just wanted it all the time.

 

I can only imagine how much harder this is for people with actual physical/sexual relationships to break off contact - and I don't just mean harder mentally, but I mean harder pragmatically. Having to work with, or even live in the same area as a former affair partner must present a whole new set of challenges. I have a hard enough time just coaxing her out of my brain so I can focus on other things.

 

But today will be a productive day!

[Bittersweetie]

Very good post Bittersweetie. My experience sounds just like yours. How long have you been in NC now? I've been a few months. It's getting easier but I'm not out of the woods yet, and I still get very strong compulsions to contact AP....'just to see how she is!' I really hope to feel normal one day, and go whole days where I don't think of her..... That's a long way away.

 

It's been over six years now of NC. I had two rounds with xOM...the second coming into play when, after a short NC, I sent him an email "just to say hi." And it was in that round where things turned physical. I wish every day I hadn't sent that email...all it said was "hi" but the consequences were tremendous.

[jenkins95]

It's been over six years now of NC. I had two rounds with xOM...the second coming into play when, after a short NC, I sent him an email "just to say hi." And it was in that round where things turned physical. I wish every day I hadn't sent that email...all it said was "hi" but the consequences were tremendous.

 

Bittersweetie

 

Wow! Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I think that's as good an illustration as to why we shouldn't break NC as anything else I have read.... And like most recovering waywards, I've read a lot.

 

Many times I've been tempted to send the 'Hi' email although I don't think I was ever close to actually doing it. Having read your story, I hope I never think of it again.

 

I really appreciate you sharing that - it is a very stark warning of the damage that can be done by something seemingly so innocuous. And that's exactly what I could have said about the 'innocent' flirting that I indulged in at the start of my A. I would never have believed the madness and hurt that it would have soon led to.

Edited February 17, 2016 by jenkins95

[privategal]

For OP's case however he is breaking up MENTALLY. he has not had a PA and bejng in his shoes where I did nor either I can attest it is the emotial/mental affair he is withdrawing from.

Its in many ways different than PA imo.

It's certainly almost just as strong as PW in the way there is no consumation of the passion and desire. Always the what ifs, what could have been....

Edited February 18, 2016 by privategal

[MightyPen]

For OP's case however he is breaking up MENTALLY. he has not had a PA and bejng in his shoes where I did nor either I can attest it is the emotial/mental affair he is withdrawing from.

Its in many ways different than PA imo.

It's certainly almost just as strong as PW in the way there is no consumation of the passion and desire. Always the what ifs, what could have been....

 

Yes the "what ifs" have crossed my mind. "What if we would have had better chemistry with each other than we each have with our respective partners?" That sort of thing. Thanks a lot for reminding me! Haha You know I kid.

 

The other part that makes it tougher is that I never got to see her warts, obnoxious habits, etc., because we were generally on our "best behavior" with each other. Anyways, I'm feeling great mentally and physically and moving forward!

 

Oh and NC Day 11.

[MightyPen]

NC Day 12.

 

I had a really good day yesterday and really didn't think about her much at all.

 

Of course a song on the radio...one we both liked very much...led my brain to flashing back to her, but I suppose those triggers are inevitable.

 

I don't usually post much on weekends but I'll probably return with NC Day 15 on Monday. I won't go on posting daily forever, and I certainly don't expect people to necessarily respond to anything I post...this is more of an accountability and reflection thing for me as I try to continue making good decisions.

[jenkins95]

I had a really good day yesterday and really didn't think about her much at all.

 

Well done MightyPen - that's fantastic news that you are doing so well so soon. You may find that you will have the odd bad day still, but don't let that floor you - it is all very normal and part of the process. Keep going - I'm really pleased for you! I know what you mean about triggers - I guess they will always set us off. But with time, they may become less painful and possibly even serve as a pleasant reminder of a time/set of events in our life that, with reflection, wasn't all bad and in fact was an important learning experience.

 

I won't go on posting daily forever, and I certainly don't expect people to necessarily respond to anything I post...

 

But please come back sometimes and let us how you are doing. I think the presence of recovered people, who are here, not so much for themselves any more, but to support and guide others and provide a positive case study for others to aspire to, is really valuable. The advice that you get from people who have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt can be priceless!

 

So great to read such a positive post MP - I am really happy for you and have a nice weekend.

[MightyPen]

Well done MightyPen - that's fantastic news that you are doing so well so soon. You may find that you will have the odd bad day still, but don't let that floor you - it is all very normal and part of the process. Keep going - I'm really pleased for you! I know what you mean about triggers - I guess they will always set us off. But with time, they may become less painful and possibly even serve as a pleasant reminder of a time/set of events in our life that, with reflection, wasn't all bad and in fact was an important learning experience.

 

 

 

But please come back sometimes and let us how you are doing. I think the presence of recovered people, who are here, not so much for themselves any more, but to support and guide others and provide a positive case study for others to aspire to, is really valuable. The advice that you get from people who have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt can be priceless!

 

So great to read such a positive post MP - I am really happy for you and have a nice weekend.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I hope that down the road I can look at this situation in a positive way. I know some folks would say, "how dare you try to look back fondly at it! You were talking with another woman!" but it is what it is - I enjoyed the conversations very much and I don't feel the need to revise history and try to force myself to view it as a bad time in my life. Maybe I even learned something from it...that I need to draw strong boundaries and that I really need to figure out what I want to do with the last 40/50 years of my life.

 

And I will try to refrain from "throwing stones" at other posters in similar situations. I will applaud them for coming here for help/advice and I'll be happy to share my experience if it would help them in any way. I think that's the whole point of this site anyway.

 

Oh, NC Day 17.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I hope that down the road I can look at this situation in a positive way. I know some folks would say, "how dare you try to look back fondly at it! You were talking with another woman!" but it is what it is - I enjoyed the conversations very much and I don't feel the need to revise history and try to force myself to view it as a bad time in my life. Maybe I even learned something from it...that I need to draw strong boundaries and that I really need to figure out what I want to do with the last 40/50 years of my life.

 

And I will try to refrain from "throwing stones" at other posters in similar situations. I will applaud them for coming here for help/advice and I'll be happy to share my experience if it would help them in any way. I think that's the whole point of this site anyway.

 

Oh, NC Day 17.

 

I have to say that the use of the word "fondly" does rub me the wrong way a bit. Maybe it's because I'm much farther out than you two, MP and Jenkins, but there is nothing about my A I think of fondly. If I do remember, the memories are now tainted because I see so clearly how much I was betraying my marriage, my husband, and most of all...myself.

 

For example: during a time I was with xAP, one that could be considered "positive," my husband had a problem he needed to talk to me about immediately. He kept trying to call me but I'd turned my phone off to be with xAP. My H was really worried once I called him back. So while I was enjoying myself then, with another man, my H was worried and scared for me. I can no longer look fondly on that encounter.

 

I'm not pummeling you guys...I looked at some things fondly for a while too. Until the rose color of the affair relationship wore off. I guess I'm just offering a different perspective from down the road.

[privategal]

Everyones experience is SO different thiugh. mighty pen for instance was more in a 9-5 situation.

He wasn't meeting her nor writing off his marriage, she was extra.

So for instance if he texted his wife she would say dont forget the (childs) game tonight, and to fix the broken xyz and pick up milk....

The xAP was saying you are fascinating, hot, and I love everything about being part of your life.

You can understand on a human level how that can be enticing.

 

Marriage is both AMAZING....and boring.

Its what we bring to it that adds to it.

But in the midst of a hectic, pressure filled stressful workday you can get "love" care, and EXTRA excitement and still go home and have love, stability and family? Its like a fieldtrip where you are supposed to be in school but instead you get an extacurricular activity!

 

Seems wrong!

Affairs (NOT justifying or excusing) are much like that.

MP is really trying here.

Kudos to all who have been there and are trying to walk the straight line.

[Popsicle]

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I hope that down the road I can look at this situation in a positive way. I know some folks would say, "how dare you try to look back fondly at it! You were talking with another woman!" but it is what it is - I enjoyed the conversations very much and I don't feel the need to revise history and try to force myself to view it as a bad time in my life. Maybe I even learned something from it...that I need to draw strong boundaries and that I really need to figure out what I want to do with the last 40/50 years of my life.

 

And I will try to refrain from "throwing stones" at other posters in similar situations. I will applaud them for coming here for help/advice and I'll be happy to share my experience if it would help them in any way. I think that's the whole point of this site anyway.

 

Oh, NC Day 17.

 

I think that is a very smart, mature and healthy way to look at it, instead of wallowing in sadness or some other negative feeling. Which is the same as not leaving it in the past. Good luck and I hope you get there as soon as you need to.

[jenkins95]

Everyones experience is SO different thiugh. mighty pen for instance was more in a 9-5 situation.

He wasn't meeting her nor writing off his marriage, she was extra.

So for instance if he texted his wife she would say dont forget the (childs) game tonight, and to fix the broken xyz and pick up milk....

The xAP was saying you are fascinating, hot, and I love everything about being part of your life.

You can understand on a human level how that can be enticing.

 

Marriage is both AMAZING....and boring.

Its what we bring to it that adds to it.

But in the midst of a hectic, pressure filled stressful workday you can get "love" care, and EXTRA excitement and still go home and have love, stability and family? Its like a fieldtrip where you are supposed to be in school but instead you get an extacurricular activity!

 

Seems wrong!

Affairs (NOT justifying or excusing) are much like that.

MP is really trying here.

Kudos to all who have been there and are trying to walk the straight line.

 

Excellent post privategal. I think a major challenge for MP, myself and other recovering waywards will be to inject excitement into our marriages. If a marriage becomes routine and 'boring' as you say, that actually suits things quite well when in an affair. It may have helped lead to the affair and also helps maintain it. But after the affair if we really want to be happy, we have to try to somehow bring some of the excitement we were getting from the affair into the marriage. I say 'some' because other elements of the affair are irrelevant to marriage - I speak of the newness, the secrecy, the illicit nature of it, the fantasy elements, etc. All that stuff we just need to put behind us, grow up and get over.

[Popsicle]

Everyones experience is SO different thiugh. mighty pen for instance was more in a 9-5 situation.

He wasn't meeting her nor writing off his marriage, she was extra.

So for instance if he texted his wife she would say dont forget the (childs) game tonight, and to fix the broken xyz and pick up milk....

The xAP was saying you are fascinating, hot, and I love everything about being part of your life.

You can understand on a human level how that can be enticing.

 

Marriage is both AMAZING....and boring.

Its what we bring to it that adds to it.

But in the midst of a hectic, pressure filled stressful workday you can get "love" care, and EXTRA excitement and still go home and have love, stability and family? Its like a fieldtrip where you are supposed to be in school but instead you get an extacurricular activity!

 

Seems wrong!

Affairs (NOT justifying or excusing) are much like that.

MP is really trying here.

Kudos to all who have been there and are trying to walk the straight line.

 

Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" may be of some help with this.

[MightyPen]

NC Day 19.

 

 

I appreciate all the comments, and yes I'm doing my best to handle this transition with as much maturity as possible.

 

 

We are going on a family vacation soon, and I think that will help break the drudgery of the past few months. I'd also like to take my wife on a trip (just the two of us) but childcare issues are always a hurdle.

 

 

But yeah I need to continue to try to inject excitement into our marriage. It's tough when it's the same routine: wake up the kids, get everyone ready for work/school, schlep them to work, schlep to work, work until 5 or 5:30, schlep home, tackle dinner, dishes, homework, and maaaaybe have 20 minutes for a board game, put the kids to bed, watch one TV show (our DVR is soooo backed up), and then it's 10ish and we're both tired...sex a few times a week..and repeat.

 

 

I know this applies to a LOT Of people and I'm not really complaining...but our days and weeks are VERY scheduled.

[jenkins95]

NC Day 19.

 

 

I appreciate all the comments, and yes I'm doing my best to handle this transition with as much maturity as possible.

 

 

We are going on a family vacation soon, and I think that will help break the drudgery of the past few months. I'd also like to take my wife on a trip (just the two of us) but childcare issues are always a hurdle.

 

 

But yeah I need to continue to try to inject excitement into our marriage. It's tough when it's the same routine: wake up the kids, get everyone ready for work/school, schlep them to work, schlep to work, work until 5 or 5:30, schlep home, tackle dinner, dishes, homework, and maaaaybe have 20 minutes for a board game, put the kids to bed, watch one TV show (our DVR is soooo backed up), and then it's 10ish and we're both tired...sex a few times a week..and repeat.

 

 

I know this applies to a LOT Of people and I'm not really complaining...but our days and weeks are VERY scheduled.

 

Yes, I recognise this MP - that daily set of events sounds familiar. It also sounds rather lovely.

 

Sometimes I think that many of our problems stem from the fact that we have come to expect too much from life. We expect to be excited and living life to the full every minute. I think that this is perhaps what marks us out more than anything as different from our parents' and especially grandparents' generations. I think a major challenge for us is to find genuine happiness and fulfillment in the simple things we do that could otherwise be considered routine, instead of fantasising about what else we could be doing.

 

What you described above could be interpreted as boring and routine, but just think what many people who don't have that would do for a routine like that - maybe including many heart broken people on here whose relationships have not worked out. And just think how much you will miss it when your kids grow up and become independent. It's the same for me. One thing I really want to work on is appreciating the wonderful things that I have got - the cards that I have been dealt along with the cards I have selected, and try to stop my mind from wandering about what I may be missing out on.

 

That's great news about the holiday MP, have a great time. I agree that it would be great if just the two of you could get away too. If you can't manage a few nights away, just going out in the evening for a nice meal would be great too. Do you have family/friends nearby that could babysit for you? This is an issue for us too, but well worth making the effort with.

 

And I know you're not complaining MP, me neither. We just can't help getting into that mindset sometimes, even though deep down we know how lucky we really are.

 

Have a great trip - please then come and tell us all about it!

Edited February 26, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" may be of some help with this.

 

I've just googled that book Popsicle - it looks very interesting and I may order it. Thank you for the recommendation there. Can you recommend any other books for people in our kind of situation?

[Popsicle]

I've just googled that book Popsicle - it looks very interesting and I may order it. Thank you for the recommendation there. Can you recommend any other books for people in our kind of situation?

 

I don't any that come to mind at the moment for you and MightyPen besides that one I recommended, since I think you both are happy in your marriage, but for those who are not happy in their marriage and are more contentious, I would recommend John Gottman's book "Why Marriages succeed or Fail". And for kicks, I really adore "Falling in love" by Francesco Alberoni, which I actually own a hardcover copy of but the price if it is insane now. I didn't pay that much and luckily, there is a free PDF translation of it available online if you Google it, but it is slightly different (less poetic) than the hardcover translation. Anyways, that one can help you understand the impact that love has on us and why we do what we do because of it.

[jenkins95]

I don't any that come to mind at the moment for you and MightyPen besides that one I recommended, since I think you both are happy in your marriage, but for those who are not happy in their marriage and are more contentious, I would recommend John Gottman's book "Why Marriages succeed or Fail". And for kicks, I really adore "Falling in love" by Francesco Alberoni, which I actually own a hardcover copy of but the price if it is insane now. I didn't pay that much and luckily, there is a free PDF translation of it available online if you Google it, but it is slightly different (less poetic) than the hardcover translation. Anyways, that one can help you understand the impact that love has on us and why we do what we do because of it.

 

Hey thanks Pops, you are great! I have just Googled the John Gottman book and it looks very good. I think it would be well worth me buying that because as well as analysing the factors that make successful/unsuccessful marriages, it also includes advice as to how you can improve your own marriage.

 

I do believe that I am in a good marriage, but I must admit my affair has left my head in a mess and I feel vulnerable and unsure about so many things. I always try to sound positive and optimistic in my posts, and it is genuine. But I have to admit that I am hurting and often low and still carry doubts and confusion underneath all that.

 

The thing is, I so desperately want to be happy in my marriage and to get past this. I think that in itself is a positive. I think that thanks to you, I have some reading ahead of me - reading that will help! Will Google Falling in love too,!

 

Many many thanks and have a good weekend Pops and others.

Edited February 26, 2016 by jenkins95