Author MightyPen Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I hope she sees its for the best too. It's nice that you were gentle with her. I don't get why the guy friends are not enough?? Some folks here would have accused me of being too gentle I think, but I owed her some kindness. I'm not by nature a mean person anyway. And I think it's mostly the frequency. Like with her, we'd talk(or type) pretty much every day, at least for 15 minutes or so. I got my "fix" of stimulating chat. Yeah it was probably an addiction. I became accustomed to constantly having my need fed. Anyways, I'm trying to up the frequency of interactions with smart guy friends, because as I said, it's just not in my wife's nature to get all philosophical or esoteric or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Some folks here would have accused me of being too gentle I think, but I owed her some kindness. I'm not by nature a mean person anyway. And I think it's mostly the frequency. Like with her, we'd talk(or type) pretty much every day, at least for 15 minutes or so. I got my "fix" of stimulating chat. Yeah it was probably an addiction. I became accustomed to constantly having my need fed. Anyways, I'm trying to up the frequency of interactions with smart guy friends, because as I said, it's just not in my wife's nature to get all philosophical or esoteric or whatever. I get that. Like your wife, I don't get all philosophical either. Maybe there are message boards for that kind of thing? I'm also sure there meetup groups for this too. If not, you could make one. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I am VERY proud of you, MP. I know this was hard and you have done it before, but I hope you stick with it this time. Post here often. The pain will go away, trust us... Time to re-direct towards your wife. Next weekend is Valentine's Day - why not plan something to bring you back towards those feelings you had for her when you married? Great idea about refocusing on his marriage! I love it. MP, I'm happy that you came to your senses and ended your affair. That takes wisdom and humility. Now go be romantic to that wife of yours! Send her flowers for no reason. Write her a love letter. Be the attentive husband she deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Some folks here would have accused me of being too gentle I think, but I owed her some kindness. I'm not by nature a mean person anyway. And I think it's mostly the frequency. Like with her, we'd talk(or type) pretty much every day, at least for 15 minutes or so. I got my "fix" of stimulating chat. Yeah it was probably an addiction. I became accustomed to constantly having my need fed. Anyways, I'm trying to up the frequency of interactions with smart guy friends, because as I said, it's just not in my wife's nature to get all philosophical or esoteric or whatever. You are the only person who can make you happy. Have you ever been in counseling? It could help with the hole in your soul. Spouses are not going to share every single interest. Why not focus on what you do have in common with your wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Some folks here would have accused me of being too gentle I think, but I owed her some kindness. I'm not by nature a mean person anyway. You. Must. Be. Kidding… right?! After hearing from people after people here, you kept on putting the OW through exactly the same torture -- "press the ON button on her--then press the OFF button on her". After hearing repeatedly what this sort of a thing will do to this woman's emotional state, each time it was exactly the same way you acted… "I miss her…" so let's start again but as "friends..." Exactly what point was your actions kind to her, when you knew breaking NC repeatedly would really HURT her and stop her from healing? Congratulations. So long as you are content with your generosity, who cares who gets hurt? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are the only person who can make you happy. Have you ever been in counseling? It could help with the hole in your soul. Spouses are not going to share every single interest. Why not focus on what you do have in common with your wife? This was the top takeaway for me from counseling after my A and d-day. I expected my H to make me happy. When he didn't I looked to fill the gaps elsewhere. I am the only one who can make me happy. Others only enhance it. And I also learned to not pursue my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I agree with Betty, you still have some work to do on yourself. Counseling was one of the best things I ever did during that time in my life. You've taken one step forward, time to keep moving and build the momentum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Betty and Bitter, How would you suggest I handle the logistics of getting counseling? I haven't had a D-Day, and I sure as hell hope I never do. The "thing" is over and my wife has no idea. So how do I explain to her that I'm going to get counseling without explaining one of the main reasons for it? I do NOT want to lie. But I also do NOT want to open this can of worms with her. I'm not sure there is a third option. I think getting counseling "in secret" is probably impossible and also not a good idea. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Betty and Bitter, How would you suggest I handle the logistics of getting counseling? I haven't had a D-Day, and I sure as hell hope I never do. The "thing" is over and my wife has no idea. So how do I explain to her that I'm going to get counseling without explaining one of the main reasons for it? I do NOT want to lie. But I also do NOT want to open this can of worms with her. I'm not sure there is a third option. I think getting counseling "in secret" is probably impossible and also not a good idea. Any suggestions? You could tell her you are stressed and feeling uncontent overall in your life and that you'd just like a healthy tune up of an unbiased ear. Tell her its the weight gain that you suspect might mean deeper things like maybe a low grade depression and you'd just like to have a healthy chat. Really you don't have to be a messed up person to go to counseling. It can be just to talk or make sure you stay healthy. It can just be somewhat of a personal growth type thing. Please do not ever open that can of worms with your XEAP again though. It seriously is very hurtful to pull someone in and out of your life. Friends and kindness shown one minute, the next your out and it leaves people confused. No judgment that you had a friend, I believe you are a good guy and loved your wife and wanted to fill a void. Its just that back and forth that does hurt people. Let your xap heal now for good. It likely hurts you the most so just realize it as you move forward, I wish you all the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 You could tell her you are stressed and feeling uncontent overall in your life and that you'd just like a healthy tune up of an unbiased ear. Tell her its the weight gain that you suspect might mean deeper things like maybe a low grade depression and you'd just like to have a healthy chat. Really you don't have to be a messed up person to go to counseling. It can be just to talk or make sure you stay healthy. It can just be somewhat of a personal growth type thing. Please do not ever open that can of worms with your XEAP again though. It seriously is very hurtful to pull someone in and out of your life. Friends and kindness shown one minute, the next your out and it leaves people confused. No judgment that you had a friend, I believe you are a good guy and loved your wife and wanted to fill a void. Its just that back and forth that does hurt people. Let your xap heal now for good. It likely hurts you the most so just realize it as you move forward, I wish you all the best. I really appreciate that. Yeah I agree that a person doesn't need to be "messed up" to benefit from some counseling. I guess it would be a white lie not mentioning to her the main reason for the counseling, but it wouldn't be entirely untrue that I need the counseling to work on myself. I will definitely let my friend heal. I promised her that I'd never contact her again and that I would give 100% of myself to my family from this moment forward. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I really appreciate that. Yeah I agree that a person doesn't need to be "messed up" to benefit from some counseling. I guess it would be a white lie not mentioning to her the main reason for the counseling, but it wouldn't be entirely untrue that I need the counseling to work on myself. I will definitely let my friend heal. I promised her that I'd never contact her again and that I would give 100% of myself to my family from this moment forward. best wishes with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Betty and Bitter, How would you suggest I handle the logistics of getting counseling? I haven't had a D-Day, and I sure as hell hope I never do. The "thing" is over and my wife has no idea. So how do I explain to her that I'm going to get counseling without explaining one of the main reasons for it? I do NOT want to lie. But I also do NOT want to open this can of worms with her. I'm not sure there is a third option. I think getting counseling "in secret" is probably impossible and also not a good idea. Any suggestions? I'm having trouble understanding how you were fine with hiding an affair from your wife but seeing a therapist cannot be kept a secret. I'm not picking on you here. I just can't see how an affair isn't far worse than seeing a therapist without your wife knowing. Just tell your wife that you have some self esteem and codependency issues that you need to work on with a professional. I hope you've been tested for STIs because if you have a disease and you give it to your wife, rest assured that your D day is coming whether or want it or not. There is also the chance of your wife finding out in some other way. Whether you tell your wife about your affair or not is up to you. I just wanted to help you realize that the decision could be taken out of your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I really appreciate that. Yeah I agree that a person doesn't need to be "messed up" to benefit from some counseling. I guess it would be a white lie not mentioning to her the main reason for the counseling, but it wouldn't be entirely untrue that I need the counseling to work on myself. I will definitely let my friend heal. I promised her that I'd never contact her again and that I would give 100% of myself to my family from this moment forward. Remember that most people are at least a little bit messed up in some way. It is all a matter of degree. Do you think that you will be able to keep your promises to your AP and to yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Betty it was just an online/phone relationship. No sex obviously. Never even viewed it as an affair, emotional or otherwise, until I started hanging out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Just checking in again. NC day 3. I am trying to just stay busy and not think about her. Feeling good about my decision. The election stuff helps a lot actually. It's a nice distraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Betty and Bitter, How would you suggest I handle the logistics of getting counseling? I haven't had a D-Day, and I sure as hell hope I never do. The "thing" is over and my wife has no idea. So how do I explain to her that I'm going to get counseling without explaining one of the main reasons for it? I do NOT want to lie. But I also do NOT want to open this can of worms with her. I'm not sure there is a third option. I think getting counseling "in secret" is probably impossible and also not a good idea. Any suggestions? Privategal and Betty have some good suggestions, maybe tell your wife you need to work through something, and want to talk to a counselor first. Once you are with the counselor and work through some things, then you can share what you've learned with your wife, to help her feel included. You can frame your takeaways without bringing in the A if you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 NC day 4. I might keep checking in for a few more days until I feel a bit stronger with my decision. Had a great night with my wife last night...if you know what I mean. I'll still focusing on getting into basketball-playing shape. That combines a weight loss goal (20 lbs) as well as other objective performance goals (walking/jogging faster and longer, doing x number of skill-related exercises like lateral hops, performing x number of reps with weights each week, and shooting x number of baskets on our basketball goal at home. All good things! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Had a great night with my wife last night...if you know what I mean. No we don't. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Betty it was just an online/phone relationship. No sex obviously. Never even viewed it as an affair, emotional or otherwise, until I started hanging out here. Oh! Thanks for explaining. It was still an affair even though there was no physical connection. Keep on staying busy and enjoying great nights with your wife. I think I know what you meant but I'm also a perv. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Betty and Bitter,How would you suggest I handle the logistics of getting counseling? Any suggestions? Tell your wife you're doing it (getting counseling) for personal growth. Individual personal growth, however you want to word it. Seems anyone would admire someone taking steps for personal growth! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 NC Day 5. It's been a tough week but no setbacks. I realized that over the last year I had talked with her more than almost anyone else in my life other than my wife and the people at work. It's quite a hole that she left. Valentines Day weekend will include the Deadpool movie, a play, and her vague promise to me that I will like her "outfit" on Sunday night. I'm still considering the counseling thing. I know I need it. I don't think I'd eve have to mention my friend to the therapist, as the bigger issues are working on myself and then also possibly some marital counseling to work on the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 NC Day 5. It's been a tough week but no setbacks. I realized that over the last year I had talked with her more than almost anyone else in my life other than my wife and the people at work. It's quite a hole that she left. Valentines Day weekend will include the Deadpool movie, a play, and her vague promise to me that I will like her "outfit" on Sunday night. I'm still considering the counseling thing. I know I need it. I don't think I'd eve have to mention my friend to the therapist, as the bigger issues are working on myself and then also possibly some marital counseling to work on the relationship. Counseling is a great idea. Please make sure to bring up the issue of female friends. Women that your wife doesn't know that you are befriending and texting on fb. It's one thing to have female friends that your wife knows, it's another to actively go looking for women to be friends with and invest in them without your wife knowing. Especially right now your focus should be only on your wife, not looking elsewhere to fill the hole your exOW left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 If you do choose counseling, IMO be transparent in both the reasons you perceive for being there and your goals for therapy. Counselors can most effectively work with a client who lays it all out and is willing to work it. If this affair partner/friend was an issue for you and part of your impetus for seeking counseling, that's valid. It's not like the counselor will be shocked or dismayed. They deal with this stuff every day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Good luck MP. I've been in a similar place to you and I know it's a very scary place full of conflicting emotions. But know that you are doing the right thing! I'm several months down the line of NC now and it's still not easy, but it gets better. The difference is that my A was physical and there were D days. Great that you managed to control yourself better than I did. Hopefully the recovery will be quicker. I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting and be strong and you will get there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 NC Day 8. Thanks, Jenkins. I hope you've been able to move on from your D day(s). And even though I managed to avoid physicality in my situation, I wouldn't chalk it all to me drawing some line in the sand or being strong. If my friend would have been local...well, I'm not sure what would have happened, but the 1,000 mile-buffer-zone worked as a pretty insurmountable obstacle. I feel like I "broke up" with her, and I haven't broken up with anyone for a long time. It's a weird feeling knowing that it has to be permanent to be healthy considering that I could contact her within 10 seconds if I really wanted to - the ease of communication these days sure does make it easier to backtrack on NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 MP, did you have a good Valentine's Day with your wife? Have you recaptured some of the spark that compelled you to search elsewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
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