Should we always assume...? (need guys' opinion)

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

So answer the second part. Should she sit there and talk to the person until they ask her out and she knows he's interested in her for sure before rejecting him?

 

Let's hear it CIOC because I bet you will end up answering this the same way I did.

 

Yes. That's what a person of integrity would do.

 

How quickly everyone seems to forget the "Golden Rule".....

[XNemesisX]

So if you are at a bar and this ugly, fat, smelly chick decided she was going to talk to you that night, you would sit there and talk to her and miss out on the rest of your night just to be nice to her? So you would forfeit talking to other women you could see yourself interested in just to apply the "golden rule" to the woman you really don't even want to be talking to?

 

Please....

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

So if you are at a bar and this ugly, fat, smelly chick decided she was going to talk to you that night, you would sit there and talk to her and miss out on the rest of your night just to be nice to her? So you would forfeit talking to other women you could see yourself interested in just to apply the "golden rule" to the woman you really don't even want to be talking to?

 

Please....

 

I think COC that you would not just sit there and talk to somebody that you were repulsed by or not flattered by their attention. It is human nature to be interested in someone who you find compatible. You consider yourself attractive ( you have said so in your posts ) so a women who did not meet your standards is not going to get your attention when you are there to find someone who you would like to meet. In a general environment you might talk to someone when you are not there to find someone for a possible date but when you go out for that purpose you are going to look for someone who fits your criteria.

 

Peace...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Marshbear

I think COC that you would not just sit there and talk to somebody that you were repulsed by or not flattered by their attention.

 

It's not in my nature to be rude to someone who has taken the time to talk to me. If you knew the business I was in, you'd understand. I talk to hundreds of people a day, sometimes people I don't want to talk to, yet I have to smile and put on a happy face.

 

I've learned how to be tactful and pleasant to people. It's takes time and patience.

 

It is human nature to be interested in someone who you find compatible. You consider yourself attractive ( you have said so in your posts ) so a women who did not meet your standards is not going to get your attention when you are there to find someone who you would like to meet. In a general environment you might talk to someone when you are not there to find someone for a possible date but when you go out for that purpose you are going to look for someone who fits your criteria.

 

Peace...

 

I completely understand your point. Remember, I've been a professional musician and I own a business. I am used to being approached all the time by women I have nothing but a platonic interest in. Why should I be rude to them simply because I am not sexually interested in them?

 

They're fans of my band, so it behooves me to be nice to them.

They're also people I might place with a client.

 

I wasn't always this way. It took me a long time to learn that skill.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

So if you are at a bar and this ugly, fat, smelly chick decided she was going to talk to you that night, you would sit there and talk to her and miss out on the rest of your night just to be nice to her? So you would forfeit talking to other women you could see yourself interested in just to apply the "golden rule" to the woman you really don't even want to be talking to?

 

Please....

 

I guess that's the Christian in me. XNX. I treat people the way I want to be treated myself.

[sarah12]

XNX - I'm glad we can identify with each other. It sounds like we've had similar experiences! Sorry I haven't kept up with this thread as quickly, things got busy here. But to clarify for anyone else - XNX was bang on about what I have been trying to convey.

Originally posted by blackendangel13

I think the answer is no and you know what people say happens when you assume things.

OK maybe this is a dumb question, but what happens? Cause every time I've assumed a guy was interested, it turned out to be true. Whether it was at a club or a party, dinner, or even at the library or coffee shop.

 

Also, CIOC mentioned the 'golden rule'? wtf is that?!

 

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

It's not in my nature to be rude to someone who has taken the time to talk to me. If you knew the business I was in, you'd understand.

It's not in my nature to be rude either, (and I don't mean to sound cocky or anything) but most of the time I just want to have a good time with my friends when I go out, so it gets annoying when you have to small talk with every guy that comes up to you, ESPECIALLY when you aren't interested 99% of the time.

 

Don't assume he's interested until he SAYS he is.

Which is what, after a few drinks, and questions about 'what do you do for a living/how many bros,sis do u have/what did u study in school?

 

You know, I would rather a guy just be straight up from the beginning and ask - hey, I think you're pretty cute and I'd like to get to know you, can I buy you a drink?

 

I talk to hundreds of people a day, sometimes people I don't want to talk to, yet I have to smile and put on a happy face.

I do too, but it's a different case when you have to talk to them for work/school/business because you don't have a choice.

 

It's takes time and patience.

..And I think most people (guys and girls) here have been saying that they don't want to waste time and energy on someone they aren't interested in..rude? maybe, but life is short and I want to enjoy every minute of it in the best way that I can..

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by sarah12

Also, CIOC mentioned the 'golden rule'? wtf is that?!

 

Matthew 7:12

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." - Jesus Christ (Do unto others as you would have done to you. The Golden Rule)

 

It's not in my nature to be rude either, (and I don't mean to sound cocky or anything) but most of the time I just want to have a good time with my friends when I go out, so it gets annoying when you have to small talk with every guy that comes up to you, ESPECIALLY when you aren't interested 99% of the time.

 

Meh. That's the price you pay for being attractive. The alternative is to NEVER have guys approach you. Be thankful you're in that situation and treat all men that hit on you as a compliment. How hard is that?

 

Which is what, after a few drinks, and questions about 'what do you do for a living/how many bros,sis do u have/what did u study in school?

 

If you don't have the time or patience to talk to them, act busy. Find a guy you want to talk to and zero in on him. If you're standing around waiting for a particular guy to come to you then be prepared for the Pauper to approach you many times before your Prince arrives. At least be kind to the men that approach you. Just by approaching you they are complimenting you. This is why being rude to them is totally classless.

 

You know, I would rather a guy just be straight up from the beginning and ask - hey, I think you're pretty cute and I'd like to get to know you, can I buy you a drink?

 

Because many women think that "line" is weak and will balk at it. Men know this so they'll try and be creative to show you they are different. Do you blame them? It's a tough game men have to play and they know they have to separate themselves from the pack.

 

I do too, but it's a different case when you have to talk to them for work/school/business because you don't have a choice.

 

Dress like an ugly chick, then. Problem solved.

 

NTTAWWT

 

..And I think most people (guys and girls) here have been saying that they don't want to waste time and energy on someone they aren't interested in..rude? maybe, but life is short and I want to enjoy every minute of it in the best way that I can..

 

I believe in KARMA. If you don't have the class in you to be kind when you receive a compliment (IE: Men approaching you) expect some bad KARMA to come your way.

 

Say...why are you in LS again???

[sarah12]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Meh. That's the price you pay for being attractive. The alternative is to NEVER have guys approach you. Be thankful you're in that situation and treat all men that hit on you as a compliment. How hard is that?

It is a compliment, as I said I am flattered. I just feel like I'm beating them off with a stick half the time (again, I dont mean to sound cocky..) and I wanted to see if anyone had more civil ways of approaching the situation.

 

At least be kind to the men that approach you. Just by approaching you they are complimenting you. This is why being rude to them is totally classless.

I don't think that the suggestions made by say XNX and alpha are classless. I have said to guys who approach me "thank you for the offer, but I'm not interested" and they think I am rude. I've mentioned this before on LS somewhere, that no matter what you do, it seems like you can never win.

 

I believe in KARMA. If you don't have the class in you to be kind when you receive a compliment (IE: Men approaching you) expect some bad KARMA to come your way.

What about being fake? Why spend time talking to someone you're not interested in, for the sake of not being rude? Like I said earlier, I'm straight up and honest. I do feel that honesty is the best policy cause who can argue with you when you're being honest.

 

Say...why are you in LS again???

Why is this relevant? We all came on LS at some point in time for one reason or another.

[dgiirl]

Sarah, I think it depends on the situation. Clearly, you're talking about total strangers coming up and talking to you. When that happens to me, they are usually weirdos. If you're nice to them, they wont leave you alone. Just seem disinterested. No need to be rude, or to tell them you're not interested. Just limit the conversation, just answer their questions with yes/no, dont engage in a conversation. Eventually they'll find someone else to bother. Are you being a biatch? yah, but you have to be and you could careless what they think anyways.

 

From your original question, I thought you were asking in general. Like some guy asks you for the time, and you just reply "Not interested". Or some guy at work is trying to become friends with you, and you go "Go away" lol Or you really are friends with a guy. In those situations, it's a bit difficult because a lot of those times I have no clue if they are interested or not. If you're not interested, just watch how the conversation goes. Make sure you dont flirt with the guy or ask him for compliments. If you start telling them you're not ready for a relationship, or if you have a bf, and they find out you dont, they might take a freak out on you. I made the mistake of telling a guy once I wasnt really ready for a relationship (which was honestly true at the time). But then I met another guy a month later, and he totally changed my feelings. The original guy took a freak out on me and started calling me names and stalking me. This is before I was married, so in my teens. I was a little bit inexperienced with telling guys I'm not interested. Now I just watch how the conversation flows and make sure I dont give any mix signals. I even tried the "I'm flattered, but i'm really not interested" approach, and his whole family stalked me with the evil eye lol. I was 17, the guy was 12?

 

Just try to be as honest and gentle as possible. If they cant handle it, dont let it be your problem.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by dgiirl

From your original question, I thought you were asking in general. Like some guy asks you for the time, and you just reply "Not interested". Or some guy at work is trying to become friends with you, and you go "Go away" lol Or you really are friends with a guy.

 

Me too. The question is framed in general terms, so I assumed in all situations. Since most of the time I'm at work or in social settings rather than hanging around by myself in the street waiting for girls to hit on me , I was assuming the former were the most interesting cases.

 

If a guy approaches you randomly in the street or in a bar and there's no reason or link, of course you don't want to encourage him. Nem's strategy does seem to fit this context. Although I still favour something polite and clear: "thank you, now I must be going, or ... I have to look at my mobile phone for 5 minutes now".

 

But at work - or at a party in a friend's house - that has got to be different. When I go to a party, I try (time permitting and over the course of the evening) to have a chat and make a connection with everyone present. Male or female. And that's a common strategy here. Nem's disinterested behaviour would seem bizarre and out of place in this context.

 

Just try to be as honest and gentle as possible. If they cant handle it, dont let it be your problem.

 

Good advice.

[ReluctantRomeo]

So to answer the original question:

 

Originally posted by sarah12

...that when we meet a guy or talk to one, that he wants more than friendship? and if so, should we state up front (without him having asked) that we aren't interested in dating if we really aren't?

 

In the street or in a bar, yes, probably. Although he could just be passing the time, it's way more likely he's hitting on you.

 

In a social context or at work, no. Assume he's just being friendly and see what happens.

 

 

should we be polite, keep talking to him and wait until he actually asks us out or for our phone number to tell him we aren't interested?

 

Always be polite. If he approaches you in a random context (street, bar) don't keep talking - make a clear end to the conversation. In a party be chatty but don't give your phone number - that should be a clear enough signal.

 

 

I don't want to waste time with the small talk if I'm not interested in the guy (which is about 95% of the time).

 

I really hope this doesn't apply at parties or at work. It would make you a bore.

[blackendangel13]

If you being hit on in bars all the time is something that bothers you that much, then find other places to hang out. I know lots of bars that I go to I will get hit on. If I am not in the mood for small talk I just go my favorite bar where I know I won't be uncomfortable or have guys trying to get in my pants. You can't be mad about the situation that you continue to put yourself in.

 

Personally I may be giving people the benefit of the doubt here, but I don't think everyone that talks to me is interested in hooking up with me. Just as I am not interested in everyone I approach. Obviously they may think you are cute when they approach you, but not all look at you and say "Hey she's hot, I will go talk to her to see if I can get in her pants". They come over to feel you out and see what you are all about because you seem mysterious. They may talk to you for five minutes and realize they don't like YOU. You talk to people because you can never go on looks alone IMO.

 

I totally agree with CIOC about Karma. The last thing you want is to reject someone in a ****ty way and have it happen to you down the line. I am always very tactful in rejecting people and appreciate the same courtesy.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by sarah12

It is a compliment, as I said I am flattered. I just feel like I'm beating them off with a stick half the time (again, I dont mean to sound cocky..) and I wanted to see if anyone had more civil ways of approaching the situation.

 

Why do I have the feeling that when the day comes you no longer have to "beat them off you with a stick" you will feel sad? Lots of women wish they had your problem...and some men (NTTAWWT).

 

 

I don't think that the suggestions made by say XNX and alpha are classless. I have said to guys who approach me "thank you for the offer, but I'm not interested" and they think I am rude. I've mentioned this before on LS somewhere, that no matter what you do, it seems like you can never win.

 

Yes, you can win. You can do it with tact. But if you don't have the kindness and patience to do it with tact, they WILL think you're being rude. Honestly, if you're getting hit on so much that it bothers you then I as I mentioned before, perhaps dressing down or being aggressive and identifying and talking to a man you're interested in will suffice. If you're talking to someone you're interested in, other men won't approach you....well, unless they have guts.

 

 

What about being fake? Why spend time talking to someone you're not interested in, for the sake of not being rude? Like I said earlier, I'm straight up and honest. I do feel that honesty is the best policy cause who can argue with you when you're being honest.

 

You don't have to, but if you're at a club and sitting there looking approachable, what do you think is going to happen? LOL. That's what men do, approach women who look approachable. Make yourself unapproachable by seeking out a man you're interested in instead of waiting around for them to come to you.

 

Why is this relevant? We all came on LS at some point in time for one reason or another.

 

Just ask a question. It's relevant to some degree.

[westernxer]

Anything goes when you're single and ready to mingle. Why do you think they call it a jungle?

[moimeme]

minds that they can get someone who is far out of their league.

 

Lovely sentiment. Just use the phrase 'out of my league' in a sentence and I guarantee people will flee in droves.

 

[sarah12]

I'm not going to avoid places and I'm not going to dress down, I just was looking for the best way to respond to guys I'm not interested in.

 

But if you don't have the kindness and patience to do it with tact, they WILL think you're being rude.

I never said I am not kind or patient - if I wasn't, I wouldn't be wasting time on HERE looking for advice on this issue. I'm tired of being called rude or impatient just because I don't want to waste anyone's time or efforts. I'm trying to help both parties in this situation - myself and the other guy. In my experience, no guy I've met at a bar or party or anywhere random, or even at work has ever wanted to be my friend, unless they were my boss or significantly older than me, and even still, there have been some exceptions. I used to be naive and think "oh they just want to be my friend" but I finally smartened up and started to back away from conversations that I thought may lead to something more. So yes, I will be friendly to people, but only to a certain extent that won't get me involved in a situation that I don't want to be in.

 

Just ask a question. It's relevant to some degree.

I believe I came on here originally b/c I needed some advice about a guy I was dating at the time or had just broken up with, I can't remember which. Surprise surprise? This IS the LS.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by sarah12

I'm not going to avoid places and I'm not going to dress down, I just was looking for the best way to respond to guys I'm not interested in.

 

Just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. You want formalities? Go to private school.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by sarah12

I'm not going to avoid places and I'm not going to dress down, I just was looking for the best way to respond to guys I'm not interested in.

 

It's up to you. Just keep the golden rule in mind when you're responding to them.

 

I never said I am not kind or patient - if I wasn't, I wouldn't be wasting time on HERE looking for advice on this issue. I'm tired of being called rude or impatient just because I don't want to waste anyone's time or efforts. I'm trying to help both parties in this situation - myself and the other guy. In my experience, no guy I've met at a bar or party or anywhere random, or even at work has ever wanted to be my friend, unless they were my boss or significantly older than me, and even still, there have been some exceptions. I used to be naive and think "oh they just want to be my friend" but I finally smartened up and started to back away from conversations that I thought may lead to something more. So yes, I will be friendly to people, but only to a certain extent that won't get me involved in a situation that I don't want to be in.

 

There is no "silver bullet" when dealing with the opposite sex other than to treat them the way you would want to be treated. If you can't do it then do what you have to do. I gave you some good advice in that instead of sitting around waiting for the right guy to hit on you, GO HIT ON HIM so that you're not sitting there looking approachable.

 

I believe I came on here originally b/c I needed some advice about a guy I was dating at the time or had just broken up with, I can't remember which. Surprise surprise? This IS the LS.

 

Exactly.

 

My point is, if you are coming here for advice and foo-fooing advice you don't like, don't agree with or don't want to hear, then you're wasting our time and yours.

 

At least CONSIDER the advice being given to you before you immediately dismiss it.

[dgiirl]

ok, this thread actually saved my skin yesterday. Thanks for starting it

 

I think I might be having a little problem on my hands. I have a guy friend that I've known for atleast 12 years. I've been with my stbxh for 10 years. Nothing ever happen with this guy, he's part of my group of friends, and I will always think of him as a friend/brother. He tends to get crushes on everyone. He came up to visit me yesterday, and we hang out. We were talking about relationships because he's been with his on again off again gf for the last 12 years, she's also part of our group. Anyways, I was telling him about NC and that he wont ever be able to find another girl if he's still hung up on this gf, and it's obvious that he loves his gf. I told him he either needs to go to counselling with the gf, or stick to NC cos you can be friends with someone if you have feelings for her. Then it got weird, he replies "That's not true, I've been able to be friends with girls I have feelings for". I avoided his eye contact like crazy, and changed the topic.

 

So later in the evening, we had dinner and was talking about relationships again. He was telling me about so many girls he has crushes on and I told him "You know what your problem is? You become friends with the girl first, and once you become friends with a girl, it's impossible to break out. You need to meet a new girl with no past, and NOT become friends with her". Then I encouraged him to make some moves on this new girl he just met.

 

Advice wanted. Good? Not good?

 

What the hell do I do if he gets the courage and tells me he has a crush on me? I want to maintain the friendship as much as possible, so to stop talking to the guy is really not an option, unless he makes things weird.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by dgiirl

What the hell do I do if he gets the courage and tells me he has a crush on me? I want to maintain the friendship as much as possible, so to stop talking to the guy is really not an option, unless he makes things weird.

 

He's screwed, because you've already classified him as a friend for life.

 

By the way, he has a crush on you... he just hasn't told you yet.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by westernxer

He's screwed, because you've already classified him as a friend for life.

 

By the way, he has a crush on you... he just hasn't told you yet.

 

lol Yah, but he has a crush on everyone so it's no biggie. But what do I say if he does tell me? How do I tell him no in a nice no mixed signals way without ruining the friendship? Do I just keep dropping hints like this and he'll get the hint?

[westernxer]

Girls give hints, guys don't. You have to tell him, cause he obviously doesn't get it.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by westernxer

Girls give hints, guys don't. You have to tell him, cause he obviously doesn't get it.

 

Girls give hints because they dont want to assume anything and really dont know the words how to say it. I dont see him that often at the moment since we live in different cities, so I'm not sure how/when to bring up the topic since he hasnt said anything either. I need word for word phrases

 

"This might be presumptuous of me, but you better not have a crush on me because we're just friends"? lol

[westernxer]

Just say you like someone else and ask for his advice on how to proceed... if he doesn't get the hint, it's his own fault.

 

Some guys, like myself, are good at deciphering girls (school of hard knocks paid off). Others aren't so good at it. No need for directness; it's survival of the fittest, and since you never led him on, you shouldn't worry about it.

 

If he does get the balls to tell you, just say you like someone else. He'll get the hint. Hopefully.

 

Other than that, there's nothing you can do. Sometimes hurt is inevitable, despite all you do to prevent it from happening.

 

That's life.

[dgiirl]

ok cool... I'm going to see how the next interaction goes and see if he got the hint or not. I did tell him I had a crush on my coworker, and he acted a bit distant/disinterested. But he also knows i'm not involved with anyone because of my divorce. I just dont want to tell him "I'm not ready", then I meet someone where I am ready, and then he goes psycho on my ass lol I had that happen to me once before, and it was hell.