Confronted Girlfriend about her behavior. Raged Out.

[Jabron1]

It's really bothering me why she feels I'm not to be trusted. It makes me wonder if she's doing something that she doesn't want me to know about. Like deflection. Anyway, there are a lot of issues as you can see. Her behavior has really begun to make me question my relationship with her. I mean, I'm on this site after all. The way I see it I'm a stand up guy with a lot going for me. I don't think I have any major confidence issues.

 

She was a 4.0 college grad and after she graduated last year she didn't work until August. Now it's just part-time and partying with friends a few times a week. She's so irresponsible at times. I feel like she's a child somedays. Like when she has her rage episodes.

 

Plus, now she says that she doesn't want to work when we get married. She just want to pop out kids and homeschool them. That is a ton of pressure to throw at someone. I feel like I go broken half the time.

 

I really care for this girl but I feel like my happiness is not paramount in this. I feel like I'm limited with things I can/want to do in my life.

 

I feel like she's a different girl from the one who asked me out 2 years ago. She can be very supportive and kind.

 

Another thing, we haven't had sex since May of last year. She has turned hardcore Church on me. I respect her choice and her faith. We're both Christians. But I don't wear the bible on my sleeve. So I constantly feel like I'm being rejected in that aspect. We're were active for over a year before this.

 

Sorry, at this point I feel like I'm venting too much.

 

Alright, I've read enough after just a few posts. This was the limit.

 

Somewhere along the line, you have lost control of your relationship. It probably started out with a few small incidents of her testing you (which you failed), and now it's snowballed into full-blown outrageous disrespect.

 

You need to put her in her place. She's acting like a child, because she's testing your leadership. Stop being her errand-boy, and start insisting that she behave herself. Treat her like a bratty child.

 

And why are you planning on marrying a lazy woman who never wants to have sex? Are you a eunuch? Seriously, start asking yourself 'what's in it for me?'.

 

I think you've let things get too far, and you'll probably have to dump her. She just doesn't have any respect for you, mate. And in my experience, it's very hard to change a woman's perception once she thinks this of you. Learn the lessons here for the next woman you meet.

[S2B]

Do you plan to stay with her?

[IronZ]

I have to ask why are you protective with your phone? If you really had nothing to hide you would let her see your phone. An old boyfriend and I got into a huge fight over his phone. He refused to let me use it to look at movie times when mime had died. I found out 2 weeks later he had been sleeping with my friend and obviously had things in his phone he did not want me to see.

 

This is silly. If you dont want her to see your phone you are hiding something,

 

Had an ex once that got overly jealous over little things. For example she would start crying about another girl messaging me on my FB wall (not realizing it was actually just a cousin). The smallest thing would set her off. If she saw my phone she would've found a reason to be jealous. Even if I had texted another friend that happened to be a girl she would throw a fit and accuse me. If she saw any naughty pictures I may have stored in there from previous relationships (not that I would actively do that, just forgotten about them) she would have cried foul.

 

And for all the accusations I endured, guess who the one cheating was? Her. For my experience and two cents, my money's on the one asking to see the phone being the one in the wrong. Guilty people have guilty consciences and project it onto others.

[bullitt1017]

At this point I feel like everything is up in the air. A person can only put up with so much. This is all very good information, thank you all so much. I'm a very independent person and I have to take some time to reflect on my own behavior now. I have to answer for my behavior of putting up with this for as long as I have. Maybe I have become co-dependant. I talked this to death in my head. But I have to wonder what her behavior would be later down the road after marriage. Do people with higher spectrum BPD typically cheat? I've noticed some behaviors with her around other men. Things like staring pretty heavily in front of me (I don't do that in front of her and I don't care to honestly), flirting occasionally and giving out her phone number to invite men to Church (Never will I ever do this with women). She tells them she has a boyfriend. But we all know what these guys are after. I would argue, knowing her anyway, that she is probably one of the most naive people I know. Extremely naive. She even admitted it the other day.

 

She even told me once that if her looks get people saved (Go to church) then it's ok and that I should too. Blank stares from me...

 

 

Heck, just yesterday I was cooking dinner and she told me about this guy a friend is trying to hook her friend up with is "OMG he's so hot." She's always been one to love attention but man, I'm standing right here. I'm a secure person and it would be ridiculous to think other people are not attractive. It bothered me a little.

 

Idk, I guess I just know that if I said something like that it would not end well...

 

Bring on the DOUBLE STANDARD!!!!!

[joseb]

At this point I feel like everything is up in the air.

 

Bullitt, can you explain why you think everything is 'up in the air' and you are thinking about things like her cheating?

 

There is more than enough info here to clearly see you need to walk away now without worrying about any of that.

 

What is it that would make you consider NOT walking away?

Because I don't see any reason NOT to.

[bullitt1017]

Bullitt, can you explain why you think everything is 'up in the air' and you are thinking about things like her cheating?

 

There is more than enough info here to clearly see you need to walk away now without worrying about any of that.

 

What is it that would make you consider NOT walking away?

Because I don't see any reason NOT to.

 

I honestly feel like her extreme jealousy and her behavior with the opposite sex makes me wonder if she has other motives. I will also tell you that this has been on my mind for several months.

 

My Father cheated on my mother with more than 5 different people over the course of 20 years, pretty bad childhood. Lots of arguements, rage outbursts from both my parents and a bad separation. But every time my mother took him back. She said she did it for us (brothers and I) so we would grow up with a father. But I honestly never believed her. I think in a lot of ways I am like her. I fear that I may repeat her lifestyle but unfortunately that's what I came to understand as normal as a child and young adult.

 

They're still married btw.

Edited February 10, 2016 by bullitt1017

[dreamingoftigers]

I honestly feel like her extreme jealousy and her behavior with the opposite sex makes me wonder if she has other motives. I will also tell you that this has been on my mind for several months.

 

My Father cheated on my mother with more than 5 different people over the course of 20 years, pretty bad childhood. Lots of arguements, rage outbursts from both my parents and a bad separation. But every time my mother took him back. She said she did it for us (brothers and I) so we would grow up with a father. But I honestly never believed her. I think in a lot of ways I am like her. I fear that I may repeat her lifestyle but unfortunately that's what I came to understand as normal as a child and young adult.

 

They're still married btw.

 

My father was a cheater too.

 

It isn't just the actual act of cheating, its the whole attitude that goes with it.

 

It comes with A LOT of issues for the kids. Honestly, get some counseling to help you figure out your boundaries and what you need and want from a relationship, and what you are willing to give.

 

It CAN'T only go one way, that type of relationship will tear you apart eventually.

[testmeasure]

I honestly feel like her extreme jealousy and her behavior with the opposite sex makes me wonder if she has other motives. I will also tell you that this has been on my mind for several months.

 

My Father cheated on my mother with more than 5 different people over the course of 20 years, pretty bad childhood. Lots of arguements, rage outbursts from both my parents and a bad separation. But every time my mother took him back. She said she did it for us (brothers and I) so we would grow up with a father. But I honestly never believed her. I think in a lot of ways I am like her. I fear that I may repeat her lifestyle but unfortunately that's what I came to understand as normal as a child and young adult.

 

They're still married btw.

 

"I fear that I may repeat her lifestyle but unfortunately that's what I came to understand as normal as a child and young adult."

 

This is probably the source of the codependency some people have been warning you about.

 

There is a danger that you may both seek people like this out and be oblivious to what makes them dangerous to you. At the same time they will seek someone like you out and possibly be somewhat aware that they need someone like you.

 

I'm not an expert with codependence. I don't believe I'm one or that I have ever lived with one. But in reading about the kind of behavior described here (which I have experienced some of), I've come across it repeatedly.

 

I find it interesting that one of the questions you were asking earlier on is why the good times are so good and why you're attracted to a person like this. If you are a codependent, as I understand it, those are exactly the questions you need to be asking yourself.

 

I can give 2 answers to you, one of which I actually have experienced myself.

 

People with "frozen emotional development" experience very strong, intense, pure emotions, normally a single emotion at a time. This means when things are good, they burn bright, really bright. As bright as they get dark when things turn dark.

 

I have experienced this. Things are too good to be true right up until there are too horrible to imagine and difficult to describe. Nothing can go wrong as long as you don't trigger the darkness (rage). Once you do, not a single thing can go right.

 

There's actually a danger that once you've experienced this, you will find happiness and spending time together with a normal person unfulfilling. There is a danger you will seek another person with the emotional intensity and purity of a child, a person who will end up being damaged the same way.

 

Another draw of codependency, and one that I have not experienced but have only read about is the element of being a "White Knight". As I understand it, you would have a distorted sense of what "Love" is. If you had very strong feelings for someone and they had very strong feelings for you, no matter how strong those feelings, it wouldn't be sufficient for you to feel loved.

 

For you, in order to feel loved, you also have to feel needed. You have to feel like you're rescuing someone. Or possibly feel like they are incredibly dependent on you because no one else could accept them and forgive them for their bad behavior, but you will. So once again, they need you.

 

If you grew up with your mom's willingness to forgive and rescue your dad, you my have confused that as being a part of what it meant for her to love him. Even though it sounds like you yourself question if every one was really better off for it. If there's any chance your very concept of love is confused to the point that it includes relationships where people aren't even better off for being in the relationship, that's something that needs to be looked at.

 

(Particularly on the "White Knight" thing, if I've explained it wrong someone please jump in and correct me.)

 

The point being, very early on in the thread, you wanted to know why the good times were so good, and why you were still attracted to her even after all this. If you're codependent, there are answers to that question, and you're asking exactly the right question that you need to be asking. Because from what I understand, that gets to the root of possible codependence.

 

Don't take the 2 answers I gave as a comprehensive list. That's just what I've come across, and I haven't studied codependence systematically.

 

 

.

[bullitt1017]

From the things she says/does it's almost like she's testing my resolve. She has always been friendly with people. But with men it seems she craves it. She will stare at men right in front of me on occasion. Now she goes as far to tell me men are attractive. It's as if she wants me to worry so that I will cling tighter...

 

I think that's pretty rude and I believe someone who really loves you would refrain from hurting someone's feeling like that.

 

Can you imagine if I did that to her????

 

Actually. Not more than 5 months ago her friend and I were having a conversation and she accused me of flirting. Not the case. Just talking. Heck, a friend of mine (girl) ran into me at a bar said hi and left. My girlfriend walked across the building immediately to ask me about her.

 

My issue is that I feel like for her to use these double standards is a red flag. But since trust is big in a relationship and I feel that she does not trust me (i.e. checking phone, jealousy amd her occasional rage.) Leaves me in a difficult position. Because considering what I find to be a lack of trust on her end makes me wonder if I'm involved with a woman who doesn't trust herself.

 

And you're right DOWNTOWN. When things are good they're great. But when they're bad, she can get very angry.

 

Honestly, I think that's why I put up with so much and sometimes not say anything. I don't want to get her upset. And that's a HUGE problem.

 

I feel like I'm at a tipping point. Her telling me about "Hot" men that her roommate may go out with and then acting like that's ok to say. Sure pleople are attractive. I wouldn't say those things to her. Because I know she would get upset and hurt.

 

She is fully expecting me to propose to her soon. There are no more hints. Just direct questions. "Did you go to my parents?" "I think March is a good month to get engaged..."

 

I feel a TON of pressure but I just don't know how to proceed.

 

[elaine567]

From the things she says/does it's almost like she's testing my resolve. She has always been friendly with people. But with men it seems she craves it. She will stare at men right in front of me on occasion. Now she goes as far to tell me men are attractive. It's as if she wants me to worry so that I will cling tighter...

 

I think that's pretty rude and I believe someone who really loves you would refrain from hurting someone's feeling like that.

 

Can you imagine if I did that to her????

 

Actually. Not more than 5 months ago her friend and I were having a conversation and she accused me of flirting. Not the case. Just talking. Heck, a friend of mine (girl) ran into me at a bar said hi and left. My girlfriend walked across the building immediately to ask me about her.

 

My issue is that I feel like for her to use these double standards is a red flag. But since trust is big in a relationship and I feel that she does not trust me (i.e. checking phone, jealousy amd her occasional rage.) Leaves me in a difficult position. Because considering what I find to be a lack of trust on her end makes me wonder if I'm involved with a woman who doesn't trust herself.

 

And you're right DOWNTOWN. When things are good they're great. But when they're bad, she can get very angry.

 

Honestly, I think that's why I put up with so much and sometimes not say anything. I don't want to get her upset. And that's a HUGE problem.

 

I feel like I'm at a tipping point. Her telling me about "Hot" men that her roommate may go out with and then acting like that's ok to say. Sure pleople are attractive. I wouldn't say those things to her. Because I know she would get upset and hurt.

 

She is fully expecting me to propose to her soon. There are no more hints. Just direct questions. "Did you go to my parents?" "I think March is a good month to get engaged..."

 

I feel a TON of pressure but I just don't know how to proceed.

 

As a child who was damaged by an abusive/dysfunctional family, you probably feel the need to "fix" her, to make up for the fact you could never "fix" your own home situation, but you cannot "fix" her.

YOU need to walk away and not look back.

Get into therapy for your own child hood issues, so that you learn how to identify and learn to stay away from other toxic people and relationships.

[Redhead14]

I honestly feel like her extreme jealousy and her behavior with the opposite sex makes me wonder if she has other motives. I will also tell you that this has been on my mind for several months.

 

My Father cheated on my mother with more than 5 different people over the course of 20 years, pretty bad childhood. Lots of arguements, rage outbursts from both my parents and a bad separation. But every time my mother took him back. She said she did it for us (brothers and I) so we would grow up with a father. But I honestly never believed her. I think in a lot of ways I am like her. I fear that I may repeat her lifestyle but unfortunately that's what I came to understand as normal as a child and young adult.

 

They're still married btw.

 

Don't do what your mother did, which was lose herself in the relationship and sacrifice herself. And, I might guess that she brought these issues in herself from her upbringing/role modeling and maybe succumbed to societal pressure that frowned upon divorce at all costs. She says she did it for the kids, but she really did it because she didn't know any better -- There is a saying: Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than be IN one.

 

All that being said, you do not have to continue the "legacy". She didn't know better, but you do. Learn from the past, don't stay stuck in it. The past stops now. The future begins instead.

[ExpatInItaly]

At this point I feel like everything is up in the air. A person can only put up with so much. This is all very good information, thank you all so much. I'm a very independent person and I have to take some time to reflect on my own behavior now. I have to answer for my behavior of putting up with this for as long as I have. Maybe I have become co-dependant. I talked this to death in my head. But I have to wonder what her behavior would be later down the road after marriage. Do people with higher spectrum BPD typically cheat? I've noticed some behaviors with her around other men. Things like staring pretty heavily in front of me (I don't do that in front of her and I don't care to honestly), flirting occasionally and giving out her phone number to invite men to Church (Never will I ever do this with women). She tells them she has a boyfriend. But we all know what these guys are after. I would argue, knowing her anyway, that she is probably one of the most naive people I know. Extremely naive. She even admitted it the other day.

 

She even told me once that if her looks get people saved (Go to church) then it's ok and that I should too. Blank stares from me...

 

 

Heck, just yesterday I was cooking dinner and she told me about this guy a friend is trying to hook her friend up with is "OMG he's so hot." She's always been one to love attention but man, I'm standing right here. I'm a secure person and it would be ridiculous to think other people are not attractive. It bothered me a little.

 

Idk, I guess I just know that if I said something like that it would not end well...

 

Bring on the DOUBLE STANDARD!!!!!

 

I can only speak from my own experience. My ex-boyfriend (whom I have mentioned is diagnosed BPD) indeed cheated. Many times, with many women. I didn't know this until after I finally broke up with him. During the relationship, I absolutely had my suspicions until I just couldn't ignore that bad feeling anymore. He was also extremely jealous, to an extent I've never seen in my life. He would throw fits if I happened to get a text late at night from anyone, wanted to go through my phone, my FB messages, started an argument over a man who liked all my pictures on FB..until he learned this man was my cousin. He freaked out if I looked in the direction of a coffee bar where he was convinced I crushed on a barista (not true whatsoever) Actually raged and slammed on the breaks in his car and screamed at me, demanding to know who I was looking at. Uh..nobody, homey.

 

I could go on an on. And guess who was cheating the whole time? Not I.

 

I don't know if there is a correlation between BPD and infidelity. I can't claim the disorder increases the likelihood that sufferers will cheat. But if something smells off (and you're generally an overly jealous or paranoid person) you're probably on to something.

[bullitt1017]

I can only speak from my own experience. My ex-boyfriend (whom I have mentioned is diagnosed BPD) indeed cheated. Many times, with many women. I didn't know this until after I finally broke up with him. During the relationship, I absolutely had my suspicions until I just couldn't ignore that bad feeling anymore. He was also extremely jealous, to an extent I've never seen in my life. He would throw fits if I happened to get a text late at night from anyone, wanted to go through my phone, my FB messages, started an argument over a man who liked all my pictures on FB..until he learned this man was my cousin. He freaked out if I looked in the direction of a coffee bar where he was convinced I crushed on a barista (not true whatsoever) Actually raged and slammed on the breaks in his car and screamed at me, demanding to know who I was looking at. Uh..nobody, homey.

 

I could go on an on. And guess who was cheating the whole time? Not I.

 

I don't know if there is a correlation between BPD and infidelity. I can't claim the disorder increases the likelihood that sufferers will cheat. But if something smells off (and you're generally an overly jealous or paranoid person) you're probably on to something.

 

Story of my life... I work with women all day so that doesn't help me any. She gives the old 20 questions still. I actually notice how I feel anxiety when I would talk about work because I knew her jealous nature would upset her. It's not healthy. These last few months I feel like I'm sort of waking up to her crappy behavior.

[salparadise]

My issue is that I feel like for her to use these double standards is a red flag.

 

bullitt - you are waaaaay past the point of identifying red flags! You are actively suffering the consequences of not having seen the red flags that should have been apparent to you in the first weeks and months.

 

Everyone here is telling you that she is exhibiting all the behavioral patterns, and that you're probably a codependent in a severely dysfunctional relationship with a borderline... and on one level you accept and understand that... but on another level you're still trying to make rational sense of incongruities such as double standards, her shifting emotional states, rages, verbal abuse, etc., etc.

 

At this point you need to just accept that she isn't going to make sense, ever. Yes, it may help in healing to understand the disorder and her impulses work, but measuring her behavior with a rational yardstick will get you nowhere. You're still trying to appease when you should be disengaging.

 

 

But since trust is big in a relationship and I feel that she does not trust me (i.e. checking phone, jealousy amd her occasional rage.) Leaves me in a difficult position. Because considering what I find to be a lack of trust on her end makes me wonder if I'm involved with a woman who doesn't trust herself

 

Eh, I wouldn't worry about that. She acts on impulse and justifies it later. Why should she be worried about trusting herself when she got you to blame and project onto? You know if she were to cheat it would be your fault, right?

 

Honestly, I think that's why I put up with so much and sometimes not say anything. I don't want to get her upset. And that's a HUGE problem.

 

Yes, you have to keep giving up little pieces of yourself to appease. You change to try and win her approval but it's never good enough. Eventually there will be noting left.

 

I feel like I'm at a tipping point. Her telling me about "Hot" men that her roommate may go out with and then acting like that's ok...

 

You should be at a tipping point. I hope you mean that.

 

She is fully expecting me to propose to her soon. There are no more hints. Just direct questions. "Did you go to my parents?" "I think March is a good month to get engaged..."

 

I feel a TON of pressure but I just don't know how to proceed.

 

Disengage. Be assertive. Enforce boundaries... like with normal people. She won't like it but it's not your problem to solve. When she goes into a rage don't react. Just stay calm, don't engage; let her go through the spin cycle all by herself and don't give any indication that it bothers you in the least.

 

Start going to therapy.

 

Do not propose.

[bullitt1017]

Eh, I wouldn't worry about that. She acts on impulse and justifies it later. Why should she be worried about trusting herself when she got you to blame and project onto? You know if she were to cheat it would be your fault, right?

 

Do not propose.

 

In her last relationship (according to her) she kissed her then current boyfriend's best friend to make him jealous. She told me it was a huge error in her character and that it hurt not only her then boyfriend but also destroyed her boyfriend's friendship with the guy she kissed. However, her boyfriend's friend doesn't get a get out of jail free card with that. He's just as responsible.

 

She told me last year when her old roommate (she's engaged to my girlfriends ex boyfriend's brother) confronted her about it and basically called her out on her **** behavior.

 

According to my girlfriend, her old roommate already knew about it

 

My question, so then why would it take this long to talk about or why even bring it up?

 

Now, I realize this is before I met her. She's 23. I'm 27.

 

We're talking 4 or 5 years ago. Highschool for her.

 

But it always struck me as odd how she told me about this.

 

I completely trust myself. I get approached pretty often by women but I always say "sorry, I'm involved." Then I go on with my day.

 

I feel like I'm beginning to understand that I can't completely understand her behavior. I'm trying to scale normal with irregular.

[Downtown]

Trust is big in a relationship.

Absolutely. It is the foundation on which every relationship must be built. Absent trust, you have no foundation.

 

I feel that she does not trust me.... considering what I find to be a lack of trust on her end makes me wonder if I'm involved with a woman who doesn't trust herself.

If she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she will remain incapable of trusting you until she learns how to trust herself. As I noted earlier (#34):

Having only a fragile, unstable self identity, she quickly realized that she cannot trust herself because her goals and sense of direction change dramatically every few months. Sadly, until she learns how to trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else.

And you're right DOWNTOWN. When things are good they're great. But when they're bad, she can get very angry.

Because BPDers exhibit childish behavior, Longfellow described their immature, Jekyll-Hyde behavior over a hundred years ago:

There was a little girl,

And she had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good

She was very, very good,

And when she was bad she was horrid.

[ExpatInItaly]

Story of my life... I work with women all day so that doesn't help me any. She gives the old 20 questions still. I actually notice how I feel anxiety when I would talk about work because I knew her jealous nature would upset her. It's not healthy. These last few months I feel like I'm sort of waking up to her crappy behavior.

 

I understand very well what you're going through.

 

I teach adults and was routinely questioned by my ex about who I'd taught that day, did they try to flirt with me, did I think they were handsome, and on and on. He once dropped by the institution where I teach, under the guise of surprising me with lunch. Later - after a blowout - I realized he actually wanted to scope out the students and my male colleagues for himself. Truly disturbing behaviour. I hated talking about work because he would instantly get his back up and drill me about the men around me.

 

This too was interspersed with extreme highs of good "behaviour"; loving gestures and whatnot. That's the nature of emotional and mental health disorders.

 

I finally realized it didn't matter how loyal or loving of a girlfriend I was to him. I could not make him better. I couldn't fix the problems he had because I didn't cause them. Someone with BPD has extreme emotional problems that usually have their roots early in their lives. Those of us around them become the emotional punching ball because they don't know how to regulate and appropriately articulate what they're feeling. My ex refused to even acknowledge that his behaviour was awful. He blamed me and tried to justify it every single time. It was always something I did or didn't do. After I left him, he also tried to justify his cheating. I didn't "make him feel loved." Horse manure.

 

The bottom line is that if your girlfriend doesn't recognize her role in this dysfunction, and actively work towards healing, it won't improve.

 

Do NOT propose to this girl.

[bullitt1017]

Well I've been gone a few days but I'm back with an update. The other night was my birthday and it went well for the most part. But then during the evening I checked my messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday. One friend of mine who I have known for many years who is a girl sent a nice birthday message. My girlfriend then took my phone and started reading all of the messages between me and her. She then and accused me of flirting. She runs the gym I go to and I simply asked a question about my membership. Which then we went down memory lane texting about funny gym story's. Totally platonic. She said due to my one smiley face on a big amount of text constituted flirting. She began to start typing a rude message to which I grabbed my phone and said "Don't do that."

 

 

I looked at her and said "really...?"

 

She was super defensive. I managed to diffuse the situation by telling her that it was just not happening.

 

Something must have clicked because she seemed to get my message.

 

Fast forward to tonight.

 

She's texted and tried calling a few times but I'm working till midnight and unable to answer the phone. I took a break and called, no answer...

 

Then she sent a text soon after saying she had some issue with her friend and she can't talk till later.

 

Now, earlier she said she was going out but now she says she is staying home.

 

She does this every now and then. Kind of disappears and the next day tells me about how she went out partying late. Honestly, I'm sick of the childish behavior.

 

 

Guess I'll just go watch house of cards till I hear from her...

[joseb]

bullitt, what are you getting from staying in this relationship?

[S2B]

Well I've been gone a few days but I'm back with an update. The other night was my birthday and it went well for the most part. But then during the evening I checked my messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday. One friend of mine who I have known for many years who is a girl sent a nice birthday message. My girlfriend then took my phone and started reading all of the messages between me and her. She then and accused me of flirting. She runs the gym I go to and I simply asked a question about my membership. Which then we went down memory lane texting about funny gym story's. Totally platonic. She said due to my one smiley face on a big amount of text constituted flirting. She began to start typing a rude message to which I grabbed my phone and said "Don't do that."

 

 

I looked at her and said "really...?"

 

She was super defensive. I managed to diffuse the situation by telling her that it was just not happening.

 

Something must have clicked because she seemed to get my message.

 

Fast forward to tonight.

 

She's texted and tried calling a few times but I'm working till midnight and unable to answer the phone. I took a break and called, no answer...

 

Then she sent a text soon after saying she had some issue with her friend and she can't talk till later.

 

Now, earlier she said she was going out but now she says she is staying home.

 

She does this every now and then. Kind of disappears and the next day tells me about how she went out partying late. Honestly, I'm sick of the childish behavior.

 

 

Guess I'll just go watch house of cards till I hear from her...

 

Really? That's it?

 

It looks like you like this drama!

 

Get rid of her - she accused you because SHE is guilty! It worked! Because you went on the defensive and it took attention away from her and focused on you.

 

This is pure manipulation by her guilt!

 

Just end it. She rageful - that should be more than enough to have you say "no more, it's OVER!"

 

You must like abuse - because that is exactly what she's giving you.

 

I hope you treat YOURSELF better by ending it!

[bullitt1017]

Really? That's it?

 

It looks like you like this drama!

 

Get rid of her - she accused you because SHE is guilty! It worked! Because you went on the defensive and it took attention away from her and focused on you.

 

This is pure manipulation by her guilt!

 

Just end it. She rageful - that should be more than enough to have you say "no more, it's OVER!"

 

You must like abuse - because that is exactly what she's giving you.

 

I hope you treat YOURSELF better by ending it!

 

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying in some of this. Are you saying she's most likely projecting?

[bullitt1017]

bullitt, what are you getting from staying in this relationship?

 

I feel like I have to try everything to make sure I'm right about this. 2+ years is hard to just walk away from for me.

[S2B]

I feel like I have to try everything to make sure I'm right about this. 2+ years is hard to just walk away from for me.

 

Ok then. Just keep trying while she continues abusing you.

 

I suggest you see a counselor in the meantime - to help you understand why you would stay with a completely abusive gal and try and make it work.

 

You know what you get - stop being surprised when she's a total jerk - that's who she is!

[S2B]

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying in some of this. Are you saying she's most likely projecting?

 

You can call it whatever you want to - bottom line is - she isn't a reasonable person - at all.

 

Why is that good enough for you?

 

Look up projection if you must - look up deflection too - look up manipulation and narcissistic behavior disorder. Look up sociopath while you're at it.

[joseb]

I feel like I have to try everything to make sure I'm right about this. 2+ years is hard to just walk away from for me.

 

The problem here is that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to walk away.

I know guys who are in your position for 5, 10, 20 years and just cant leave.

They are hopelessly co-dependant, their own worth has gone, they are broken.

 

Why is it so hard to walk away.

 

Is it because of all the good feelings she gives all the time? Cause I'm not sensing much of that.

 

Or is it because you want to 'fix' everything.