Confronted Girlfriend about her behavior. Raged Out.

[Lorenza]

hello...the girl has a kidney stone and you are moaning that she is not being nice...

Kidney stone pain is one of the worst pains anyone can have, she will be in some state, without the strep throat and a fever too, and all you can think about is why isn't she being nice to me?????

 

I get that there are other issues here too, but the girl is very ILL, and cannot be expected to nurse your sensitivities at the same time.

 

Oh just stop it. I hate the "You deserve it" type of attitude, did you read that he was nice and helpful to her?

[dreamingoftigers]

Is this typical behaviour or how does this week stack up?

 

I had gall stones and pancreatitis at 25.

 

Trust me, I was NOT a happy camper.

 

The pain left me with a twisted look on my face all day. The only tiny tiny tiny bit of relief I got was on my hands and knees, which often involved throwing up.

 

The pain was indescribable. Well, not quite. I do remember thinking that the pancreatitis was 8x more painful than the gall stones.

 

I don't remember lashing out per se, but probably would have of my husband at the time kept bugging with "what's wrong?" A whole bunch of times. Especially after I stated I was sick.

 

To be honest the question irks me sometime anyway after I've told him a lot of the time that if I'm feeling anything so annoying that it effects us, I have no problem just sharing it with him, he doesn't need to walk on eggshells. But I get it. He wants some reassurance and that's his way of asking.

 

But it really irks me if I say, "I had a rough sleep last night or I was thinking about how awful it would be for Trump to be president." (Or whatever). And he says " no that's not it. Come on."

 

Well, yeah, a lot of times its a little flicker or sad or annoyed or irritated. And sometimes it's just an annoying commercial. Not like our marriage is ending and I want to burn his shoes or something.

 

If she's sick, she's sick. And she's probably in an incredible amount of searing pain and already frustrated and very much on edge.

 

I remember waking up swearing after my gall bladder surgery feeling like I got shot in the stomach. The nurse chastised me and I know that I did not respond well. (I also found it incredibly idiotic for a nurse in recovery giving crap to a half-awake surgical patient for dropping an eff bomb. Seriously.)

 

Pain sucks. And I doubt many members here have had gall and/or kidney stones.

 

It is not within imagining the pain without experiencing it.

 

Please don't bug her about what's bugging her right now. That kind of makes it all about you when she's really not in a position to give back right now.

[salparadise]

• I believe my gf has some anger issues.
  
• telling me that I hiding something if I don't show her my phone.
  
• I did not give in to her demand to unlock my phone. So she left.
  
• She began crying and hitting the door panel in my car.
  
• She told me she hates me and that I'm the worst when she has a problem.
  
• She has these rage episodes [...] every few months
  
• I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me.
  
• It's really bothering me why she feels I'm not to be trusted.
  
• She's so irresponsible at times.
  
• I feel like she's a child somedays. Like when she has her rage episodes.
  
• doesn't want to work when we get married
  
• my happiness is not paramount in this.
  
• I feel like I'm limited with things I can/want to do in my life.
  
• I feel like she's a different girl from the one who asked me out 2 years ago.
  
• we haven't had sex since May of last year.
  
• I constantly feel like I'm being rejected in that aspect. We're were active for over a year before this.
  

 

I agree with sumggy4; the behaviors are consistent with borderline. You have become the object upon which she externalizes her inability to self regulate. You still have boundaries and she's not happy about it. The phone is a good example of that- she feels that she has every right to go through your phone anytime she wants because to her, you are an extension of her, not a separate individual with your own needs. There is an unspoken contract (in her mind) that you exist to meet her needs and be responsible for her happiness. Therefore, the fact that she isn't happy is proof positive that you are withholding and making her miserable. The rage episodes are called splitting. When she does that you're a baaaad person. She can't integrate the various aspects of your personality, she only sees black and white, good or bad.

 

I could go on and on, but you get the gist. You can google and read up on it. Also look up Downtown's (user on this forum) threads.

 

What you need to know... you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, you aren't responsible for it, it's not about you. Now that you are aware of the patterns and etiology you have two choices; a) dedicate your life to trying to appease someone who can't be any other way, can't appreciate you, or b) pursue happiness through healthy relationships.

 

That's what it boils down to, however, we all realize that getting there isn't going to be easy. The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was written for people connected to borderlines, and it's excellent. You might find it in stock at a Barnes & Noble. Therapy might also be a good idea as being connected to a BPD is traumatizing and after two years I'd guess some healing will need to take place. You still have good boundaries, so I think you'll be fine after you work through t and some time passes.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[bullitt1017]

Is this typical behaviour or how does this week stack up?

 

I had gall stones and pancreatitis at 25.

 

Trust me, I was NOT a happy camper.

 

The pain left me with a twisted look on my face all day. The only tiny tiny tiny bit of relief I got was on my hands and knees, which often involved throwing up.

 

The pain was indescribable. Well, not quite. I do remember thinking that the pancreatitis was 8x more painful than the gall stones.

 

I don't remember lashing out per se, but probably would have of my husband at the time kept bugging with "what's wrong?" A whole bunch of times. Especially after I stated I was sick.

 

To be honest the question irks me sometime anyway after I've told him a lot of the time that if I'm feeling anything so annoying that it effects us, I have no problem just sharing it with him, he doesn't need to walk on eggshells. But I get it. He wants some reassurance and that's his way of asking.

 

But it really irks me if I say, "I had a rough sleep last night or I was thinking about how awful it would be for Trump to be president." (Or whatever). And he says " no that's not it. Come on."

 

Well, yeah, a lot of times its a little flicker or sad or annoyed or irritated. And sometimes it's just an annoying commercial. Not like our marriage is ending and I want to burn his shoes or something.

 

If she's sick, she's sick. And she's probably in an incredible amount of searing pain and already frustrated and very much on edge.

 

I remember waking up swearing after my gall bladder surgery feeling like I got shot in the stomach. The nurse chastised me and I know that I did not respond well. (I also found it incredibly idiotic for a nurse in recovery giving crap to a half-awake surgical patient for dropping an eff bomb. Seriously.)

 

Pain sucks. And I doubt many members here have had gall and/or kidney stones.

 

It is not within imagining the pain without experiencing it.

 

Please don't bug her about what's bugging her right now. That kind of makes it all about you when she's really not in a position to give back right now.

 

Perhaps I was unclear, her kidney stone had passed two days earlier. Other than the strep, she was doing quite well. No pain of any kind. But I fail to see how having a kidney stone (been there) excuses beating a brand new car and yelling I hate you two days after the episode. Again, if I was unclear I apologize. I'm having a hard time understanding how when someone misses work for you, helps you with everything, drives you everywhere, makes you food, gets your meds, help you to and from bed but after all of that, feels that it is okay to tell that caring person that they hate them and that they are the worst just makes me step back. That's why I'm on here. I didn't pester her or nag her. I simply called her out on her poor behavior. Aside from the phone checking stuff, I feel as though I'm a convenience to a degree. But this behavior happens mostly when she drinks too much.

 

It happened a few months ago when she said her friends were being rude to her at a get together. I was there also. I told her I didn't notice them being rude. That I thought they were being fine from what I witnessed. I was not siding with anyone. She did the same thing. Hit the car, yelled, cried and blamed me for being the worst.

Edited February 7, 2016 by bullitt1017

[bullitt1017]

I agree with sumggy4; the behaviors are consistent with borderline. You have become the object upon which she externalizes her inability to self regulate. You still have boundaries and she's not happy about it. The phone is a good example of that- she feels that she has every right to go through your phone anytime she wants because to her, you are an extension of her, not a separate individual with your own needs. There is an unspoken contract (in her mind) that you exist to meet her needs and be responsible for her happiness. Therefore, the fact that she isn't happy is proof positive that you are withholding and making her miserable. The rage episodes are called splitting. When she does that you're a baaaad person. She can't integrate the various aspects of your personality, she only sees black and white, good or bad.

 

I could go on and on, but you get the gist. You can google and read up on it. Also look up Downtown's (user on this forum) threads.

 

What you need to know... you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, you aren't responsible for it, it's not about you. Now that you are aware of the patterns and etiology you have two choices; a) dedicate your life to trying to appease someone who can't be any other way, can't appreciate you, or b) pursue happiness through healthy relationships.

 

That's what it boils down to, however, we all realize that getting there isn't going to be easy. The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was written for people connected to borderlines, and it's excellent. You might find it in stock at a Barnes & Noble. Therapy might also be a good idea as being connected to a BPD is traumatizing and after two years I'd guess some healing will need to take place. You still have good boundaries, so I think you'll be fine after you work through t and some time passes.

 

Let us know how it goes.

 

 

That's good advise, thanks. I actually talked to a therapist about her behavior spells over the summer (she does not know about it) and she agreed that is most likely the case with her. I guess I just have a hard time understanding how it can be so good at times and others just terrible. I never swear or yell at her but she will do that to me when she gets upset. Things like **** You and yelling. Then I tell her to stop saying things like that, that I never have nor will ever talk to her like that. Sometimes she apologizes for it. Others she doesn't. In fact, she told me a few days ago during her blow up that I should grow some balls and basically automatically forgive her because as she said "I would do that for you, I would never be this way to you!"

[ExpatInItaly]

That's good advise, thanks. I actually talked to a therapist about her behavior spells over the summer (she does not know about it) and she agreed that is most likely the case with her. I guess I just have a hard time understanding how it can be so good at times and others just terrible. I never swear or yell at her but she will do that to me when she gets upset. Things like **** You and yelling. Then I tell her to stop saying things like that, that I never have nor will ever talk to her like that. Sometimes she apologizes for it. Others she doesn't. In fact, she told me a few days ago during her blow up that I should grow some balls and basically automatically forgive her because as she said "I would do that for you, I would never be this way to you!"

 

OP, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned is diagnosed BPD. However, he refuses treatment. Your girlfriend's behaviour is indeed very similar to my ex, though only a professional can determine whether or not she is a sufferer, too.

 

Having said that, you cannot fix this. If she does in fact have BPD or something similar, it won't get better without prolonged, intense treatment under the care of a professional. You can be the best boyfriend in the world and it won't make a lick of a difference when she's upset. You wouldn't treat someone the way she treats you, but you're also not wired the same way she is. She very likely sees nothing wrong with her behaviour because she views it as a direct consequence of your "bad" behaviour. It was the same story - over and over - with my ex. It was never his fault he flew into horrible rages. It was never his fault he launched an awful verbal assault on me, balled up his fists as though he was going to strike me, called me every name in the book. It was always something I did, something I said. (in his mind) And never once did he apologize.

 

If she doesn't want to meet you halfway, it won't last. You can't love away her anger. It doesn't work that way.

[joseb]

That's good advise, thanks. I actually talked to a therapist about her behavior spells over the summer (she does not know about it) and she agreed that is most likely the case with her. I guess I just have a hard time understanding how it can be so good at times and others just terrible. I never swear or yell at her but she will do that to me when she gets upset. Things like **** You and yelling. Then I tell her to stop saying things like that, that I never have nor will ever talk to her like that. Sometimes she apologizes for it. Others she doesn't. In fact, she told me a few days ago during her blow up that I should grow some balls and basically automatically forgive her because as she said "I would do that for you, I would never be this way to you!"

 

If she is BPD, and it kinda sounds like it, then you are risking your own mental health by staying in this relationship. You can't fix her, even intensive therapy is not that effective, and that's assuming she would accept it.

[katiegrl]

OP, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned is diagnosed BPD. However, he refuses treatment. Your girlfriend's behaviour is indeed very similar to my ex, though only a professional can determine whether or not she is a sufferer, too.

 

Having said that, you cannot fix this. If she does in fact have BPD or something similar, it won't get better without prolonged, intense treatment under the care of a professional. You can be the best boyfriend in the world and it won't make a lick of a difference when she's upset. You wouldn't treat someone the way she treats you, but you're also not wired the same way she is. She very likely sees nothing wrong with her behaviour because she views it as a direct consequence of your "bad" behaviour. It was the same story - over and over - with my ex. It was never his fault he flew into horrible rages. It was never his fault he launched an awful verbal assault on me, balled up his fists as though he was going to strike me, called me every name in the book. It was always something I did, something I said. (in his mind) And never once did he apologize.

 

If she doesn't want to meet you halfway, it won't last. You can't love away her anger. It doesn't work that way.

 

^^Good god I didn't know you went through all that Expat... I am so sorry.

 

Hugs

 

OP ...agree with everyone else .....sounds like BPD.

 

If you don't get out, trust me she will destroy you (emotionally, mentally) and who knows maybe even physically. And that is no exaggeration.

 

BPD's are dangerous.. Jodi Arias was (is) diagnosed BPD.

[Downtown]

Bullitt, I agree with Smuggy, Salparadise, Expat, Jose, and KatieGrl that you are describing numerous red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," irrational jealousy, and temper tantrums.

 

I guess I just have a hard time understanding how it can be so good at times and others just terrible.

That is exactly how emotionally unstable people behave. If your GF is a BPDer (person having strong BPD traits), her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old. This means that, whenever she feels fearful, she is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses that young children use. These include projection, denial, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

Like a young child, a BPDer is so emotionally immature that she can only handle one intense feeling at a time. She accomplishes this by "splitting off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love for you), putting it entirely out of reach of her conscious mind. In this way, BPDers and young children are able to avoid having to deal with strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

This is why BPDers and children rely so heavily on black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" (white) and "all bad" (black). And they can recategorize someone, from one polar extreme to the other, in just ten seconds. Moreover, a BPDer will be very puzzled by your inability to do such rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. You therefore will be accused of "holding grudges" and your inability to "get over it."

 

The result, as SalParadise explains so well above, is that a BPDer "can't integrate the various aspects of your personality, she only sees black and white, good or bad." You have seen this behavior many times a day in young children, where the child loves and adores Daddy when he brings out the toys -- but then suddenly flips to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

I can't pinpoint exactly where her trust issue comes from.

If she is a BPDer, her trust issue did not come from the exBF she is now bad mouthing. Rather, it came from a childhood trauma. The view of the psychiatric community is that a BPDer's inability to trust usually is fully entrenched before age five. The cause of this frozen emotional development is believed to be genetics and/or childhood abuse or abandonment.

 

The result is that the child never has the opportunity to develop an integrated, stable sense of self identity. That is, she never learned how to integrate the good and bad aspects of her own personality. Having only a fragile, unstable self identity, she quickly realized that she cannot trust herself because her goals and sense of direction change dramatically every few months. Sadly, until she learns how to trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else.

 

It's really astounding to me how she can have male friends and be so open to hang out with them but I get flack whenever I bring up a work friend.

Like young children, BPDers are too unstable to maintain a consistent set of principles for dealing with other people. Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, you should expect to see her using a double standard -- i.e., one set of rules for herself and another set for everyone else. Significantly, a BPDer does not do this because she is a bad person but, rather, because she is unstable. Simply stated, you will witness very good people exhibiting very bad behavior whenever they are unstable.

 

I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me.

That is how you should be feeling if you've been dating a BPDer for two years. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true, they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I believe my gf has some anger issues. She has these rage episodes....

Three of the nine symptoms used in diagnosing BPD contain the term "anger" or "rage." As Expat states above, "You can't love away her anger." The reason -- if she is a BPDer -- is that her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from triggering one fear, you unavoidably will start triggering her other fear. Hence, you always find yourself triggering her anger every few weeks no matter what you do. If you're interested, I offer a more detailed explanation of this in one of the links I provide below.

 

Girlfriend get jealous easily.

Irrational jealousy is a key characteristic of BPD behavior because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment.

 

Where to go from here?

If you decide your GF is exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits, I would join the many other members advising you to walk away. I also suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to leave her, avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Bullitt.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, the ex-boyfriend I mentioned is diagnosed BPD. However, he refuses treatment. Your girlfriend's behaviour is indeed very similar to my ex, though only a professional can determine whether or not she is a sufferer, too.

 

Having said that, you cannot fix this. If she does in fact have BPD or something similar, it won't get better without prolonged, intense treatment under the care of a professional. You can be the best boyfriend in the world and it won't make a lick of a difference when she's upset. You wouldn't treat someone the way she treats you, but you're also not wired the same way she is. She very likely sees nothing wrong with her behaviour because she views it as a direct consequence of your "bad" behaviour. It was the same story - over and over - with my ex. It was never his fault he flew into horrible rages. It was never his fault he launched an awful verbal assault on me, balled up his fists as though he was going to strike me, called me every name in the book. It was always something I did, something I said. (in his mind) And never once did he apologize.

 

If she doesn't want to meet you halfway, it won't last. You can't love away her anger. It doesn't work that way.

 

Oh yeah, I'm just popping back into the thread here.

 

If she is regularly bursts into rages like this, that's not okay at all.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s. I went through intense therapy since and was re-evaluated four years ago. I am no longer considered to have BPD.

 

But when I did have active BPD, it was insufferable to me, and I can assure you, quite insufferable to my relationships as well. I wasn't a 'ragey' BPD. I was a depressed-suicidal BPD. But the pressures are similar and there's really not much anyone could have done to talk me into feeling better or being better.

 

If she has BPD, she needs to get help herself (which is rare) bit the one you can help her is by not enabling her. Eventually it comes to roost that "oh hey, I'm the common denominator here."

[dreamingoftigers]

If she is BPD, and it kinda sounds like it, then you are risking your own mental health by staying in this relationship. You can't fix her, even intensive therapy is not that effective, and that's assuming she would accept it.

 

Depends on where on the spectrum she falls.

 

One of the worst BPD cases I ever met really broke my heart. I knew she was probably never going to get well. Her emotions were so unstable I knew almost right away she was BPD because of how swirled around she was making me feel inside.

 

She ended up burning to death in a fire a year later.

 

Overall roughly 70% of BPD people can be helped through CBT/DBT therapies. But I often wonder why EMDR isn't used as a common therapy. I found it much more effective.

[joseb]

Depends on where on the spectrum she falls.

 

.....

 

 

Overall roughly 70% of BPD people can be helped through CBT/DBT therapies. But I often wonder why EMDR isn't used as a common therapy. I found it much more effective.

 

Good to hear from someone who was able to work through BPD.

I hadn't heard of EMDR before.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good to hear from someone who was able to work through BPD.

I hadn't heard of EMDR before.

 

They use it for combat veterans to deal with PTSD.

 

BPD causes dissociation and sudden reactivity often due to layers of childhood PTSD.

[Bufo]

Had that type of GF in my earlier years. When she was good I loved her. When she was bad I'd hate myself. Finally it dawned on me that the only way I could stay with her was if I got a "welcome" tattoo on my forehead and my butt as I'd be nothing but her doormat. I did a version of the 180 and she knew just knew that a horrible person like me who could treat her that way was nobody she wanted to spend time with. So she tossed me out of her life. Thankfully.

 

The lesson? Do not make her a project as that only causes you pain.

 

Best wishes to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

They use it for combat veterans to deal with PTSD.

 

BPD causes dissociation and sudden reactivity often due to layers of childhood PTSD.

 

This is very interesting. I also hadn't heard of EMDR.

 

And huge props to you for finding a treatment that works and brought you some peace and happiness. My ex, sadly, is in strong denial about his diagnosis and I suspect he will never seek the help he truly needs. After all I went through with him, I don't think he's fundamentally a bad person. But I think he's a very ill man; I wish he had the insight you display.

 

OP, not to thread-jack, but I think you can see here that a number of us have experience with the type of emotional instability you describe in your girlfriend. Please take into consideration what we have said here. You have some serious thinking to do about the future of this relationship. Make sure you're looking out for your own well-being too.

[elaine567]

OK a whole thread about basically how dysfunctional she is, but why are YOU putting up with her bad behaviour? And what are YOU going to do about it?

Putting up with, and perhaps enabling bad behaviour in a partner may be a sign of just as much dysfunction, as the person with the obvious problem.

Investigate People Pleaser Syndrome.

[bullitt1017]

Wow. That list. Thanks DOWNTOWN, this makes a lot of sense. She's checks off on nearly every one of those. That's incredible. Last year I told her we needed a break because at the time her blow ups were more frequent. Actually, when I told her I wanted a break she had an episode and took it out on her car and collapsed on my floor like a 4 year old. It was really bad. I know what everyone is saying and I really appreciate all of the insight. Really helps me understand things. We got back together only because she said she would work to better her behavior.

 

And she has gotten better but seems to be sliding back. The double standard makes me so irratated. I had a friend of mine text me the other day from the gym and part of me feels like deleting the conversation just to avoid the 20 question beatdown just because she's a girl. But I'm going to leave it because that would be ridiculous.

 

She blew up on me two months ago due to feeli g like her friends were ganging up on her and poking fun in an indirect manor. I didn't see it but according to her I was siding with them and I was a bad person. That night she accused me of not ever having her back and she screamed , beat on my car and pushed me away.

 

I feel like I should mention that the lack of sex is due to her getting into her faith pretty heavily. The whole no sex till marriage deal. I respect her choice and I'm ok with waiting. But after more than a year of being intimate to suddenly stopping. That was an quite an adjustment.

[Redhead14]

Wow. That list. Thanks DOWNTOWN, this makes a lot of sense. She's checks off on nearly every one of those. That's incredible. Last year I told her we needed a break because at the time her blow ups were more frequent. Actually, when I told her I wanted a break she had an episode and took it out on her car and collapsed on my floor like a 4 year old. It was really bad. I know what everyone is saying and I really appreciate all of the insight. Really helps me understand things. We got back together only because she said she would work to better her behavior.

 

And she has gotten better but seems to be sliding back. The double standard makes me so irratated. I had a friend of mine text me the other day from the gym and part of me feels like deleting the conversation just to avoid the 20 question beatdown just because she's a girl. But I'm going to leave it because that would be ridiculous.

 

She blew up on me two months ago due to feeli g like her friends were ganging up on her and poking fun in an indirect manor. I didn't see it but according to her I was siding with them and I was a bad person. That night she accused me of not ever having her back and she screamed , beat on my car and pushed me away.

 

I feel like I should mention that the lack of sex is due to her getting into her faith pretty heavily. The whole no sex till marriage deal. I respect her choice and I'm ok with waiting. But after more than a year of being intimate to suddenly stopping. That was an quite an adjustment.

 

And she has gotten better but seems to be sliding back. -- If she is BP, that's what will happen. It's cyclical. One extreme to another. Back and forth. That is often the reason people stay with BP partners. Things will be good for a while and they are on a high when that's going on, then it seems to fall apart.

 

due to her getting into her faith pretty heavily. -- People who suffer from BPD often become obsessed with certain things at certain times. It is a distraction from the disorder in their minds. It's comforting to them.

 

The problem is, that most people who are suffering from bipolar disorder have a very hard time focusing. Their mind is always going in a million directions. So what seems like a good idea today, may actually be discarded as time goes by. Their obsessions change from day to day. They immerse themselves in something until they can't focus on it anymore.

 

Some BPD suffers do actually benefit from "getting religion" depending on the spectrum of affect they fall on. But, it's usually a temporary thing, it doesn't last very long a few months or so. If they become fanatical about it, it just means that they are obsessing and caught in that cycle.

 

If she is not on medication or actively seeking psychological counseling, the condition can and likely will get worse as she ages.

 

Bi-Polar Disorder doesn't get cured. What happens is that if the person gets and is dedicated to a good counseling program and sticks with it, they learn to effectively manage it and know and understand what's going on and stick with their medications so as to not experience the affects or display them outwardly in such a way as to be disruptive. If a person becomes "cured" of BPD, they were not diagnosed properly to begin with. BPD mimics some other disorders in some ways and can often be misdiagnosed.

[joseb]

Wow. That list. Thanks DOWNTOWN, this makes a lot of sense. She's checks off on nearly every one of those. That's incredible. Last year I told her we needed a break because at the time her blow ups were more frequent. Actually, when I told her I wanted a break she had an episode and took it out on her car and collapsed on my floor like a 4 year old. It was really bad. I know what everyone is saying and I really appreciate all of the insight. Really helps me understand things. We got back together only because she said she would work to better her behavior.

 

And she has gotten better but seems to be sliding back. The double standard makes me so irratated. I had a friend of mine text me the other day from the gym and part of me feels like deleting the conversation just to avoid the 20 question beatdown just because she's a girl. But I'm going to leave it because that would be ridiculous.

 

She blew up on me two months ago due to feeli g like her friends were ganging up on her and poking fun in an indirect manor. I didn't see it but according to her I was siding with them and I was a bad person. That night she accused me of not ever having her back and she screamed , beat on my car and pushed me away.

 

I feel like I should mention that the lack of sex is due to her getting into her faith pretty heavily. The whole no sex till marriage deal. I respect her choice and I'm ok with waiting. But after more than a year of being intimate to suddenly stopping. That was an quite an adjustment.

 

OK, so now that you know, what are you going to do?

[katiegrl]

bullitt....with respect.... I think it's time you stop focusing on her atrocious and emotionally abusive behavior and attempt to figure out why YOU have chosen to stay with her and tolerate her atrocious and emotionally abusive behavior.

 

What is it about YOU that refuses to emotionally protect yourself against such viciousness and deplorable treatment?

 

At this point, THESE are the questions you need be asking yourself.

 

We have all analyzed and dissected her behavior to the nth degree.

 

It's time for YOU to dissect and analyze your own behavior and motivations now.

 

If you're a co-dependent, which is sounds like you are, then seek help/treatment.

 

This is not a healthy situation for you....in fact to the contrary quite dangerous.

[Downtown]

And she has gotten better but seems to be sliding back.

If she is a BPDer, Bullitt, you should be seeing her "getting better" A LOT. Like a smoker who is always throwing away her "last pack" every six or eight weeks, an untreated BPDer typically makes dramatic improvements very often. As RedHead explains so well above, this is how emotionally unstable people behave. When they are behaving well, that behavior very very good. And when they are behaving badly, that behavior is atrocious.

 

The double standard makes me so irritated.

No, her behavior does not have the power to "make you" feel irritated -- or anything else. In saying that, you are mistakenly claiming that this toxic relationship is something SHE is doing to you. That is untrue. The toxic relationship is something you BOTH are doing to each other. Your enabling behavior likely is harming her just as much as her unstable behavior is harming you. Once you recognize your role in that toxicity, you will take back the power you've been giving her and you will be able to simply walk away.

 

I had a friend of mine text me the other day from the gym and part of me feels like deleting the conversation just to avoid the 20 question beatdown just because she's a girl. But I'm going to leave it because that would be ridiculous.

If she is a BPDer as you seem to suspect, you should not be fretting about the "beatdown" you're going to get from a woman having the emotional development of a 4 year old. Instead, you should allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own childish behavior by walking away. Otherwise, you will continue to harm her with your enabling behavior.

 

She blew up on me two months ago due to feeling like her friends were ganging up on her and poking fun in an indirect manor. I didn't see it but according to her I was siding with them and I was a bad person.

Yes, temper tantrums like this -- over absolutely nothing -- is what unstable people do often. Get used to it. You're going to see a lot of it again as soon as you have young children with another woman.

 

I should mention that the lack of sex is due to her getting into her faith pretty heavily.

Perhaps so. Anything is possible. Yet, if she is a BPDer, you likely have that backwards -- her new-found faith does not explain the lack of sex but, rather, her sudden distaste for sex explains why she suddenly has a religious conviction against premarital sex. That is, it probably is only an excuse for what she was going to do anyway.

 

I say this because -- in addition to the abandonment fear -- BPDers have a great fear of engulfment. Although they generally crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, their self identities are so fragile and unstable that they cannot tolerate intimacy for very long. It therefore is common to see sex go off a cliff in BPDer relationships as soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate.

 

You will have no warning this is going to occur early on because, throughout the courtship period, her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears at bay. Yet, as soon as the infatuation starts to wane -- typically at about 6 months -- her fear of engulfment will return. The result is that, during sex and other intimate moments, she will start to feel suffocated and engulfed by your strong personality. It can be a very scary feeling because she may feel like she is evaporating into thin air and losing herself inside you.

 

Moreover, because a BPDer lacks a strong self identity to ground her and give her direction, it is common for BPDers to suddenly become intensely interested in a new hobby, occupation, or religion -- and then fully abandon it within a year.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Downtown

[Redhead14]

bullitt....with respect.... I think it's time you stop focusing on her atrocious and emotionally abusive behavior and attempt to figure out why YOU have chosen to stay with her and tolerate her atrocious and emotionally abusive behavior.

 

What is it about YOU that refuses to emotionally protect yourself against such viciousness and deplorable treatment?

 

At this point, THESE are the questions you need be asking yourself.

 

We have all analyzed and dissected her behavior to the nth degree.

 

It's time for YOU to dissect and analyze your own behavior and motivations now.

 

If you're a co-dependent, which is sounds like you are, then seek help/treatment.

 

This is not a healthy situation for you....in fact to the contrary quite dangerous.

 

He should indeed start focusing on himself and look into himself. However, it's important for him, especially if he's co-dependent to be able to "see" and understand just how significant this all is because, if he is co-dependent, he may likely find himself in another co-dependent relationship. Co-dependent people will "gravitate" to partners who have "issues" so that they can focus on that rather than the things/issues they themselves are dealing with -- their own problems. Some co-dependent people will stay with a partner with a significant disorder because on some level they feel that that's what they deserve.

 

When a bright light is shed upon those "issues" they've been dealing with in a partner they can get "real" with themselves and ask that question -- Why did I deal with this for so long? The light bulb comes on for them. Once they get out of that situation, then they can reflect on the answer(s) to that question.

 

I am only highlighting two possibilities to give him some food for thought. If he truly feels he doesn't fit those descriptions, great. But there is something going on for him to ever have accepted her behavior.

[katiegrl]

He should indeed start focusing on himself and look into himself. However, it's important for him, especially if he's co-dependent to be able to "see" and understand just how significant this all is because, if he is co-dependent, he may likely find himself in another co-dependent relationship. Co-dependent people will "gravitate" to partners who have "issues" so that they can focus on that rather than the things/issues they themselves are dealing with -- their own problems. Some co-dependent people will stay with a partner with a significant disorder because on some level they feel that that's what they deserve.

 

 

I agree which is why I advised he seek treatment/therapy should he realize (after introspecting) that he is co-dependent (second sentence from bottom of my post).

[Redhead14]

I agree which is why I advised he seek treatment/therapy should he realize (after introspecting) that he is co-dependent (second sentence from bottom of my post).

 

And, I "liked" your post and just expanded some

[S2B]

Is this typical behaviour or how does this week stack up?

 

I had gall stones and pancreatitis at 25.

 

Trust me, I was NOT a happy camper.

 

The pain left me with a twisted look on my face all day. The only tiny tiny tiny bit of relief I got was on my hands and knees, which often involved throwing up.

 

The pain was indescribable. Well, not quite. I do remember thinking that the pancreatitis was 8x more painful than the gall stones.

 

I don't remember lashing out per se, but probably would have of my husband at the time kept bugging with "what's wrong?" A whole bunch of times. Especially after I stated I was sick.

 

To be honest the question irks me sometime anyway after I've told him a lot of the time that if I'm feeling anything so annoying that it effects us, I have no problem just sharing it with him, he doesn't need to walk on eggshells. But I get it. He wants some reassurance and that's his way of asking.

 

But it really irks me if I say, "I had a rough sleep last night or I was thinking about how awful it would be for Trump to be president." (Or whatever). And he says " no that's not it. Come on."

 

Well, yeah, a lot of times its a little flicker or sad or annoyed or irritated. And sometimes it's just an annoying commercial. Not like our marriage is ending and I want to burn his shoes or something.

 

If she's sick, she's sick. And she's probably in an incredible amount of searing pain and already frustrated and very much on edge.

 

I remember waking up swearing after my gall bladder surgery feeling like I got shot in the stomach. The nurse chastised me and I know that I did not respond well. (I also found it incredibly idiotic for a nurse in recovery giving crap to a half-awake surgical patient for dropping an eff bomb. Seriously.)

 

Pain sucks. And I doubt many members here have had gall and/or kidney stones.

 

It is not within imagining the pain without experiencing it.

 

Please don't bug her about what's bugging her right now. That kind of makes it all about you when she's really not in a position to give back right now.

 

He wasn't asking her or expecting her to give back right now. He expected her to be at least a decent person! But she wasn't. And it's not the first time.

 

Yes, I get kidney stones - they hurt!!! But never, ever have I been unkind to anyone who helped me while going through that immense pain!

 

On top of all that she doesn't expect to work full time and support HERSELF? I'd let this gal go.

 

You seem like a nice guy and you deserve a gal that's as nice to you as you are to her - this gal isn't a good match.