I need hope

[Raina314]

. Yes, right now I actually don't want to stop loving him and wanting to be with him and don't even want to make myself to do it. I feel like I want to have feelings for him always and don't want them to fade away. I don't want one day to be able to tell myself that I'm feeling fine without him and I don't need him. I don't want that day to come. I don't want to let go or to make effort to let go. It might sound strange but that's how I feel.

 

I've felt that way too. Some days I would wake up in a panic cuz I could tell I was drifting away and not feeling as strongly after not hearing from him for a while and that was terrifying. He was the thing causing me pain, but I felt more comfortable being in love and in pain than I did feeling like I might be starting to forget him. I hated that feeling. I didn't want to not need him or be over him and thinking of the possibility that my feelings might fade felt awful.

 

What helped me most with resisting the urge to reach out was remembering how I feel about the last guy I had a fling with, because when I wanted to end it he kept persisting and trying to put moves on even when I only wanted to be friends. It really, really turned me off and till this day I have no respect for him and just thinking about him pisses me off.

 

The good thing about my self esteem falling so low (if there is any such thing) is that I then assumed my ex would come to feel that same pissed off, turned off, resentful feeling about me if I so much as said hi to him, even though the breakup was amicable and he never told me he wanted to stop hearing from me, which it sounds like is also true for your guy. So, what o told myself wasnt necessarily true, BUT I was so saddened by the idea of it that I stayed out of contact. I figured that was the only way he wouldn't hate me, and "not cared for but not hated" is better than hated.

 

Idk if you've ever been the dumper, but if you have been, imagine how you feel about your ex and try to let the fear of being a turnoff motivate you, if you can't find anything more positive.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Raina314

[Anna2000]

Anna honey I know its really hard to hear but when you finally accept the following you will be happier.

 

1. You have acted like a crazy stalker lady

2. He only wants sex - nothing more

3. He does not care about you

4. You have not been caring about yourself

5. You have been deluding yourself

 

The good news is that at some point we have all been there hence why we can see these things.

 

The really great news is that once you accept these things and change them you actually end up a whole heap happier...

 

Good luck chook

 

I really think you need it.

 

For crying out loud though. Stay away from him. He is not good for you in any way shape nor form.

 

I don't absolutely agree with number one so I can't accept it the way you said it. Number 2 - sex and companionship is what I think he wanted at the time. Number 3 - I'm not sure about that. I really don't know if he cares or not. He chose to break up with me when I told him I had feelings so I wouldn't suffer. On one hand, he might have said it so he really doesn't want me to suffer because he's thoughtful, on the other hand he might have said it because he doesn't want to deal with this and it's easier for him to walk away. So he's actually thinking what's best for him and not me. Number 4 and 5 - maybe it's true and I realize it deep inside but maybe not completely.

 

 

Anna, reading this I think they are both to blame for it. But I have to say I do always find it telling when people only can say negative things about the other person. It gives away that in most cases that particular person is not really reflective and instead uses the other to look away from themselves. His behavior towards you despite his warning about commitment also points to such self-serving behavior.

 

YOU may be right but he was describing his marriage to the girl he was seeing, so most in that situation downplay the part the ex played in their life. They don't tend to say, "She was the love of my life, such a wonderful person and I ruined it by treating her so badly and cheating on her, I'll never love anyone that much again" NO they make out they never really cared about the ex and she was a horrible person anyway,

which gives the new gf the idea that he cares for her so much more and he needs looking after as he was the victim of his dreadful wife...

"Poor man, let me love you and look after you"

 

It's strange how much he talked about his relationship with her without me even asking him.

One night he just said that we need to talk about our relationship and explained he's not ready for a serious relationship and started to talk about his wife. How he ended everything because he couldn't bear it anymore and how he was emotionally exhausted.

 

I remember when we met he was still living with her and going together with her to the bar. But everytime I was there he was coming to our table and hanging with us and she was at the neighboring table. I found it strange why he would come and talk with me and not stay with her.

I sent him a friend request on Facebook but it took weeks until he accepted it and a year later when he told me he liked me he said he didn't want to accept my request because he liked me from the moment we met and I would see he's married and I would have rejected him if he had told me then that he likes me. Now I'm wondering if that was a lie. If he liked me that much he could have contacted me after he broke up with her. But I was the one who contacted him first. I wished him a happy birthday, he invited me out and that's how it started.

 

 

I've felt that way too. Some days I would wake up in a panic cuz I could tell I was drifting away and not feeling as strongly after not hearing from him for a while and that was terrifying. He was the thing causing me pain, but I felt more comfortable being in love and in pain than I did feeling like I might be starting to forget him. I hated that feeling. I didn't want to not need him or be over him and thinking of the possibility that my feelings might fade felt awful.

 

What helped me most with resisting the urge to reach out was remembering how I feel about the last guy I had a fling with, because when I wanted to end it he kept persisting and trying to put moves on even when I only wanted to be friends. It really, really turned me off and till this day I have no respect for him and just thinking about him pisses me off.

 

The good thing about my self esteem falling so low (if there is any such thing) is that I then assumed my ex would come to feel that same pissed off, turned off, resentful feeling about me if I so much as said hi to him, even though the breakup was amicable and he never told me he wanted to stop hearing from me, which it sounds like is also true for your guy.

 

So, what o told myself wasnt necessarily true, BUT I was so saddened by the idea of it that I stayed out of contact. I figured that was the only way he wouldn't hate me, and "not cared for but not hated" is better than hated. Idk if you've ever been the dumper, but if you have been, imagine how you feel about your ex and try to let the fear of being a turnoff motivate you, if you can't find anything more positive.

 

I understand you completely.

Yes, that is a good reason not to contact him for a while. I don't want him to be disgusted by me or to feel negative feelings when thinking of me. I don't want to push him even further away.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Anna2000

[Anna2000]

I just saw a photo from the bar from yesterday. Him, his friends... and his wife They are not hugging or not even standing next to each other on the photo but still... they are in the same company. I noticed they are not wearing their wedding rings. He told me he avoids being in the same company with her and when she went out with their mutual friend he didn't go.

So he came into my life, I developed feelings and he decided to walk out of my life and (maybe) go back to her... What do I do now? What do I do with my feelings and my strong desire to be with him? Will he even call me like he said? Will we ever be together?

If they get back together will it work? I mean, they have already been separated twice and the last time when we met and he talked about meeting her again he said he didn't know what they were trying to do.

Now I'm even more sad and desperate.

I don't see a reason to keep going.

I really want to be with him. I want to hear him or see him as soon as possible.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Anna2000

[lana-banana]

So he came into my life, I developed feelings and he decided to walk out of my life and (maybe) go back to her... What do I do now?

 

Order a healthy meal from one of your favorite places, take a bubble bath, and watch some trashy TV with a bottle of wine (or bourbon, if you prefer). Empire, Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, and Revenge are all good places to start.

 

What do I do with my feelings and my strong desire to be with him?

Recognize your feelings for him aren't reciprocated. That hurts a lot, and it's okay to feel hurt. But try to be kind to yourself. Channel all your desire into your passions or develop some new ones. Reading, cooking, exercising; it doesn't matter so long as it's positive and productive.

 

Will he even call me like he said?

Maybe. I'd say it's unlikely at this point.

 

Will we ever be together?

No.

 

If they get back together will it work? I mean, they have already been separated twice and the last time when we met and he talked about meeting her again he said he didn't know what they were trying to do.

There's no way to tell. Some couples struggle with being together, but even when they're separated they can't completely be out of each other's orbit. They may end up back together, they may not. I think the fact that they've already reconciled twice before suggests they aren't really serious about going their separate ways.

 

Now I'm even more sad and desperate. I don't see a reason to keep going.

YOU are the reason to keep going. There is a big, bright and wonderful world out there even if you can't see it right now. Your life and your happiness is not dependent upon a man who never cared about you. You are the only person who can be responsible for your feelings.

 

I really want to be with him.

This will never happen. The sooner you accept it, the better.

 

I want to hear him or see him as soon as possible.

He will probably never contact you again.

[Itspointless]

I sent him a friend request on Facebook but it took weeks until he accepted it and a year later when he told me he liked me he said he didn't want to accept my request because he liked me from the moment we met and I would see he's married and I would have rejected him if he had told me then that he likes me. Now I'm wondering if that was a lie. If he liked me that much he could have contacted me after he broke up with her. But I was the one who contacted him first. I wished him a happy birthday, he invited me out and that's how it started. [...] He chose to break up with me when I told him I had feelings so I wouldn't suffer. On one hand, he might have said it so he really doesn't want me to suffer because he's thoughtful, on the other hand he might have said it because he doesn't want to deal with this and it's easier for him to walk away.

I do not have the feeling that he was thoughtful. Yes OK, he said he did not want to hurt you (don't they all). My guess is he did not want to deal with this, because he never wanted to. He apparently was experiencing lust with you from the beginning, hence why he never come to you by himself. But when you opened contact, what better moment could there have been for him: free attention with someone who likes him and sympathizes with his sobbing story, and hey lets have sex, but do not expect anything.

 

You have to flush him through the toilet. Men like him give us men a bad reputation.

[Anna2000]

A part of me that loves him wants him to be in peace and happy with whom he chooses to be with, but another selfish part of me wants him to be happy with me.

I really want to contact him now. Or him to contact me.

How much time has to pass until I'm able to make a contact? Just to say hi. It's been 22 days of NC.

[Itspointless]

I really want to contact him now. Or him to contact me. How much time has to pass until I'm able to make a contact? Just to say hi. It's been 22 days of NC.

You can contact him for any reason you want when that feeling is no longer with you

[Zahara]

How much time has to pass until I'm able to make a contact? Just to say hi. It's been 22 days of NC.

 

When you're able to see him with another woman and feel indifferent about it. Till then, stay NC.

 

Or you can contact him and kick yourself back to square one because the situation will not change. Contact gives you temporary relief. Once you've gotten that fix, you go back to facing the same pain you were trying to escape. It's futile. Break the cycle. Accept your reality and work through your pain.

[Emaize3]

I want to break NC too. It's been 20 days for me. They say to wait 30 days for the anger/healing to set in. Everybody here says not to do it. It's so hard, I know.

[Itspointless]

Everybody here says not to do it. It's so hard, I know.

I sometimes say to people, do it. But here I won't. It will only fuel his already inflated ego and will hurt her more.

[Anna2000]

I promised myself not to contact him at least until the end of February. But even then I'm afraid it will be too soon. Maybe I'll wait more.

He's online now, me too but I'm not going to write him. If he decides to do it...

[safir]

I promised myself not to contact him at least until the end of February. But even then I'm afraid it will be too soon. Maybe I'll wait more.

He's online now, me too but I'm not going to write him. If he decides to do it...

 

Anna, just do your best to not contact him AT ALL! I am telling you, contacting him will only make you feel worse and the truth is the only thing that you can control is your actions and your own feelings. You are responsible of how you feel. I know how heartbreaking to hear those things from a person you have feelings for. I am going through the same thing!

 

I was dating a guy that I met through an app for 5 months and had the most amazing time with him, I was even developing some feelings for him by now but we weren’t on the same page he wasn’t interested in being exclusive so we decided to take a break. He still wanted to be friends.

 

We decided to take a break for 2-3 weeks and, he wants to see other people. He said maybe when we spend some time apart, I will realize that I have feelings for you or that I'll be dying to see you.

 

I will cut off all my contact with him, I already deleted his number and his messages. Even though I want him to come back to me. The best thing I can do is to respect the fact that he was open and honest with me and I can do nothing else but to focus on myself, and when we do meet I'll also see how I feel about him because the fact that he hurt my feelings today that I am not so enthusiastic and crazy about him but I also won't deny that I still have feelings for him.

 

The best thing you can do is the same! Focus on yourself with whatever is going on in your life! Focus on your education, work, spend some good time with your friends.

 

With this dating thing, some guys really do come back to you. A guy that I went on only 1 date just contacted me yesterday to hang out. There was a guy that went on 2-3 dates also got back in touch with me to hang out a month ago, and these are not the people that I had a very strong relationship or even slept with. Things faded away or there was no spark from their side even though I liked them, and I simply did not make any effort to contact them and kept focusing on my life and dating until the very recent guy.

 

But if you show them that you are very desperate, the only thing that he'll see you as is "that crazy women that I dated a while" but nothing more. You have to let it go for yourself and hope for the best. I wish there was a cookie cutter solution but the only solution is to take charge of your own life and feelings and work towards making yourself stronger from this experience.

[Anna2000]

There's no way to tell. Some couples struggle with being together, but even when they're separated they can't completely be out of each other's orbit. They may end up back together, they may not. I think the fact that they've already reconciled twice before suggests they aren't really serious about going their separate ways.

 

They've reconciled once and if they do it now this would be their second time. I've talked with my friends about this and what they told me is that if they separated for a second time and this time for a whole year, then it's obvious they had some big issues with their relationship and if they get together again these issues will resurface and maybe it won't work out again. And why would he want to go back to that after everything he told me? I know that now all I have to do is sit and wait and see what happens.

 

 

The best thing you can do is the same! Focus on yourself with whatever is going on in your life! Focus on your education, work, spend some good time with your friends.

 

I'm trying to focus, to get things done, to make a positive change. I'm doing this for myself but I also know I'm doing this so when I meet him he'll see how I changed in a positive way and maybe it will trigger something.

 

 

But if you show them that you are very desperate, the only thing that he'll see you as is "that crazy women that I dated a while" but nothing more. You have to let it go for yourself and hope for the best.

 

Let's say if I just write him to ask him how he's doing or even invite him to meet like friends in a month and a half or two months would it look desperate? What is bothering me is that he might not respond. And in this case I will feel worse.

I have a name day in two months and I see it as a possibility to invite him and meet him.

 

 

 

A friend of mine told me to post more things on Facebook like my photos or with friends or tag myself when I'm out and to do it when he's online just to remind him of me and see if he contacts me. But if he doesn't that friend told me to contact him after time. I don't know if that's a good idea - to be in his face so frequently but my friend says I would be doing something passive - I'm not writing or calling, just posting and reminding him of me.

He never liked anything I posted but I know he sees what I post because he's been telling me I saw you posted a photo or I saw you posted something on Facebook.

[safir]

 

I'm trying to focus, to get things done, to make a positive change. I'm doing this for myself but I also know I'm doing this so when I meet him he'll see how I changed in a positive way and maybe it will trigger something.

 

Use that for your motivation but, he should't have this much effect on your life. You have to realize that you have to do things for you and you only, not with the hope of him seeing it/taking you back. It's great that you want to improve yourself but you have to be ok with not being back with him. This pain will not go forever. When my 2 year relationship ended, I cried everyday for almost a month but here I am still alive and I was even able to develop stronger feelings for someone else. Same thing will happen to you too.

 

 

Let's say if I just write him to ask him how he's doing or even invite him to meet like friends in a month and a half or two months would it look desperate? What is bothering me is that he might not respond. And in this case I will feel worse.

I have a name day in two months and I see it as a possibility to invite him and meet him.

 

If you really really want to you can for sure text him in 2 months asking to catch up, but that's why it's important that you don't do it from a place of desperation and getting used to the fact that you have to let him go. Otherwise living with false hope and in case he doesn't even bother to reply will crush you even harder. Please don't do that to yourself. Heal your wounds first.

 

 

A friend of mine told me to post more things on Facebook like my photos or with friends or tag myself when I'm out and to do it when he's online just to remind him of me and see if he contacts me. But if he doesn't that friend told me to contact him after time. I don't know if that's a good idea - to be in his face so frequently but my friend says I would be doing something passive - I'm not writing or calling, just posting and reminding him of me.

He never liked anything I posted but I know he sees what I post because he's been telling me I saw you posted a photo or I saw you posted something on Facebook.

 

I am not a fan of Facebook and everything on there is superficial. Block your ex for a while. Trust me it will help you! Seeing him enjoying his life will make you feel bad and also you'll spy on him which is a waste of time. He didn't want to be in your life so, why not give him what he wants and let him live with the consequences of his actions. He may be happier and he may not be happier you have no control over that. The best thing you can do is to guard your feelings and protect yourself from things like this.

 

Your time is valuable why spend it on spying on him? And if you really really want to have an effect on him, from my experience guys get more curious when they actually don't know what you are doing. For your own good, you have to get out of his life completely that you can heal. Delete his number, delete his texts. That was the first thing I did today when he broke up with me. Yes, we might get in touch again but I am not going to live my life just waiting for that or hoping for him to come back. Do I want to be with him yes, but I'm not gonna live my life for that.

 

That will help you better. I told you the guy I only went on 1 date just got in touch with me yesterday after 4,5 months asking me how I was doing and inviting me to meet and catch up. We had fun time talking on our date but he didn't see a second date with me and I accepted the fact and moved on and Tadaaaa! there he is. You'll never know, but I even though I liked that guy I didn't live my life for him and I did definitely put him on the pedestal. You should do the same for yourself and plus, he also has a wife aside :/

[ExpatInItaly]

They've reconciled once and if they do it now this would be their second time. I've talked with my friends about this and what they told me is that if they separated for a second time and this time for a whole year, then it's obvious they had some big issues with their relationship and if they get together again these issues will resurface and maybe it won't work out again. And why would he want to go back to that after everything he told me? I know that now all I have to do is sit and wait and see what happens.

 

Probably the same reason you are still holding on to hope after everything he's told you. The way you feel about him is probably the way he feels about her; he's evidently still attached on some level. Just like you are to him, only they have a marriage together.

 

It doesn't matter how turbulent their relationship was or is. You can analyze it until you're blue in the face but it doesn't change the bottom line, which is that he's not into you. Girl, you have to let this go.

 

Posting pictures of yourself on Facebook in hopes he sees them and misses you is a waste of time. It keeps you hanging on, and if he was truly interested in you, you wouldn't need to do so. Because he's not emotionally attached to you, any social media activity is very unlikely to get a reaction out of him. He's doing his own thing now.

 

Go real No Contact now - this means no checking his FB profile. If you hope to move past this, you cannot continue to do this to yourself.

[ChickiePops]

I agree with ExPat. You're NOT in NC right now and you never have been. If you had really gone NC you'd feel better by now.

 

Also I do NOT think you should contact him anytime soon. If you do, those old feelings of desperation will pop right back up and you'll fall back into those same patterns. Even if he does respond it will never be enough for you and you'll want more and more until you just start up the constant messaging again. I've been there, please trust me on that. It's a drug and you want your fix. You have to break the addiction.

[Redhead14]

Hello.

 

We’ve been seeing each other for five months. He had recently ended a long relationship (10 years) and told me the divorce isn't over yet.

He was the one who ended his relationship and said he doesn’t want to go back to it. He said he has some problems with his wife but wasn’t specific. He told me it was hell living with her.

 

On our first date he told me he liked me a lot since the day we met and he wanted to know me better. Few dates later, he told me he’s not ready for a new serious relationship. For all this time I was the one calling him and asking him out, he almost never did it. We’ve been seeing each other once or twice a month. I was never calling him too much, I always waited for two weeks and then called.

 

I know that he told me what he wants and what he doesn’t want and it would be better for me not to expect anything.

I remember that after a few dates he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I asked if that was all he wanted and told him I don’t want just sex. His answer was “Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest”. And that made me think that things will develop after time.

 

He was always good to me when we were together – we held hands when we were outside, I met his friends, he always held me tight while we sleep, he bought me nice gift for my birthday. He told me few times he really feels good with me. He invited me to a vacation.

He said that it wasn’t just sex for him, but also it wasn’t anything serious.

I guess it wasn’t just sex and that’s what confused me and made me hope for more. I thought that since he wants to go on a vacation with me and to spend more time with me, maybe he would like to try for a more deep releationship. (I think that this kind of behaviour confused me – he said he didn’t want anything serious, but always was so nice and caring, I just thought of that as mixed signals). That’s when I told him I had feelings for him. He once again explained he's not ready for a new realationship right now. And he said he’s afraid that I might fall in love and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

 

After that we continued to go out. But it was all the same so I wrote him a letter asking if he had any feelings for me and if he thinks that maybe in the future we could have a serious relationship. We met to talk about this, he told me that right now he’s not able to have feelings for any woman. He said it’s better for us to stop seeing each other because it’s bad for me. I remember that when we talked I cried and was asking him to invite me over and said I didn’t want it to end because it would be worse for me this way. According to him, I would feel bad after every date. He said he knew I was suffering. He said to me that it was his fault and he should have thought earlier that I might fall in love. But I don’t want to blame him for anything. I appreciate that he took the time to explain to me how things were. I told him I was ok and would like to keep going this way and before I went home I said something like “see you in a few weeks”.

 

So for the next two months I’ve been calling him many times. Sometimes he called back and we had nice conversations, other times he didn’t answer my calls and that’s when i kept calling and sending text messages for days in a row until he answered. I sent him messages on Facebook too asking him why he’s doing this. Once he even called and said we could see each other soon, but that never happened. He was always nice on the phone. Other times he called and said he’ll call the next day again and he never did.

 

Finally, I wrote him another message saying that probably the time we spent together doesn’t mean anything to him and that he doesn’t even have a little respect for me just to answer my phone calls and that it really hurts. He didn’t even read it. Again, five days later I sent him a text asking him if he wants to meet. He called and said he doesn’t want us to see each other anymore because our relationship is pointless and a torture for me and for him because we were going nowhere. I asked him if he could invite me over so we could just have sex, and I asked him this a few times and everytime he said no. I know I really sounded desperate. Then he said we could meet to talk if a phone conversation wasn’t enough for me.

 

We met last Friday. I told him how happy I was with him, how I loved sleeping next to him, that I understand that he’s not ready for a relationship and that I’m accepting his decision not to see each other anymore, even if it’s hard for me and I don’t want to do it.

He said our relationship was always strange. It couldn’t have developed any other way. He said we couldn’t have any more dates anymore, but we could meet at the bar we go to with a company.

 

He told me he shouln’t have acted this way – to tell me he feels good with me and act distanced at the same time. Buт he said he has always told me how he really feels when he’s with me..

 

When I told him he must solve the problems he has, he said that he’s been trying for a long time and lately he’s been seeing his wife, he didn’t even know what they were trying to do, maybe not to divorce. But I was too afraid to ask him if he wants to get back together with

her.

This was actually their second separation. If there were problems that led to their separations, doesn’t this mean that it might happen again?

 

I told him that I’ll be glad if he calls just to see how I’m doing or to go out the two of us. He said he’ll call.

 

After this meeting I will try not to contact him for a long time.

So this way I’m giving him space and I’m showing him that I respect his decision.

I deactivated my Facebook account (I prefer to do that than deleting him from my friends list) so I won’t look at his profile and won’t see him tagged in photos. I’ve seen him tagged in photos from bars with some girls, which doesn’t necessarily means that he is also sleeping with them. I guess he just wants to have fun.

 

We go to the same bar, that’s where we met. He goes there almost every Saturday, so I won’t go there for a while.

 

I will try to make changes in my life – keep up with university, because I’ve been skipping lectures lately, get good grades, get a driver’s licence, start excercising, will colour my hair red because I’ve been wanting this for a long time.

 

And maybe then I’ll go to that bar because I know that the possibility to meet him there is big. But I’ll do it only after I made a positive change in my life. And I’ll see how it goes when I meet him. I guess what matters is how I act and talk when I see him. But I’ll think about this later.

I guess if anything happens we’ll start from the beginning. Maybe that is what I have to aim for – to be the girl from the beginning of our relationship, the one that attracted him and not to be the clingy, desperate chaser I turned into.

 

But this is just a plan... I can't promise even to myself that I'll be able to do it.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel devastated. I wish I knew there is some chance. Can you give me some hope, advice? Should I do this plan to do something positive in my life, to give him some space and then to try to contact him?

 

Thank you for reading this.

 

Have you ever heard the song "Making Love Out of Nothing At All"?

 

to give him some space and then to try to contact him?

I was never calling him too much, I always waited for two weeks and then called.

 

The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again expecting different results . . .

[Itspointless]

If you had really gone NC you'd feel better by now.

Well, it entirely depends on your attachment-style if this is true. For some it takes way longer. Still it need to be done to heal.

[ChickiePops]

Well, it entirely depends on your attachment-style if this is true. For some it takes way longer. Still it need to be done to heal.

 

you know what I meant.

[Itspointless]

you know what I meant.

I thought I said that with my last sentence

[Anna2000]

I read your replies and decided to make a list with reasons why I shouldn't contact him and maybe I should read it everytime I feel the urge to contact him.

 

 

1. To give him space and show him that I respect his decision.

 

2. "those old feelings of desperation will pop right back up and you'll fall back into those same patterns. Even if he does respond it will never be enough for you and you'll want more and more until you just start up the constant messaging again. I've been there, please trust me on that. It's a drug and you want your fix. You have to break the addiction."

 

3. "What helped me most with resisting the urge to reach out was remembering how I feel about the last guy I had a fling with, because when I wanted to end it he kept persisting and trying to put moves on even when I only wanted to be friends. It really, really turned me off and till this day I have no respect for him and just thinking about him pisses me off.

 

The good thing about my self esteem falling so low (if there is any such thing) is that I then assumed my ex would come to feel that same pissed off, turned off, resentful feeling about me if I so much as said hi to him, even though the breakup was amicable and he never told me he wanted to stop hearing from me, which it sounds like is also true for your guy.

 

So, what o told myself wasnt necessarily true, BUT I was so saddened by the idea of it that I stayed out of contact. I figured that was the only way he wouldn't hate me, and "not cared for but not hated" is better than hated.

 

Idk if you've ever been the dumper, but if you have been, imagine how you feel about your ex and try to let the fear of being a turnoff motivate you, if you can't find anything more positive. "

 

I don't want him to be disgusted by me or to feel negative feelings when thinking of me. I don't want to push him even further away.

 

4. He never called me first and showed me he never had any strong feelings for me.

 

5. He's not calling now just to see if I'm doing fine.

 

6. He's doing his own thing now, maybe really trying to reconcile with his wife and I shouldn't bother him.

 

7. I should let him do whatever he wants and whaterer makes him happy.

 

8. I will feel worse if I contact him and he rejects me, cuts all contacts or doesn't even reply.

 

9. He'll know I'm still into him, I'm desperate and weak and I'm suffering without him, this would be an ego stroke for him and won't do me any good.

 

10. I WILL look like a crazy and instable stalker to him if I continue to contact him.

 

11. He probably doesn't want me to contact him now and if I do it he will see it as another attemt on my part.

 

12. Yes, I believe there might be a small possibility that if I just vanish from his life he will start to miss me or at least he'll wonder why I stopped calling and wonder what am I doing.

 

13. I need to have a dignity and self respect and calling, begging, crying wouldn't do me any good.

 

 

 

 

I only think about the good times we spent together and how great I felt and the nice things he did for me and the rare times he showed that he cared even just a little and I try not to remember all the times I cried, suffered or couldn't fall asleep or how I felt seeing him tagged in the bar with friends and I'm not there with him.

 

What I should remember is how he ignored me sometimes or as he said it himself - being nice with me when together and acting distanced when not with me. I should remember him not even calling to see how I'm doing and not caring about me and probably always thinking about himself and what he wants and doing what's good for him.

 

As I said, maybe even the break up wasn't for me not to suffer, but for him not to deal with this. I have always tried to justify him for everything and not to blame him, but when he asked me if I want sex, I told him that I don't want just sex. I told you what he said then "Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest". THE REST? What is the rest? And who will do the thinking? Of course hearing this would make me feel that things will develop and considering the fact that I'm inexpirienced I fell for this. He could have said that it will be only sex, you should know this and since you don't want only that it's better if we go our separated ways. And maybe then, in the beginning before anything had happened between us it wouldn't hurt me so much. But he chose to tell me this and started talking about how he's not ready for a serious relationship AFTER we had sex.

 

Ok, I think I think too much and I go through different phases - blaming myself, then blaming him and then not blaming any of us and saying it's just the way things happened.

 

And if I keep thinking I could find reasons to blame him, even if that is what would help to let him go. I'm just having doubts if he was really honest and thoughtful and if he respected me or not but there's no way to know for sure. At the same time I could find reasons that he's not a bad person and he never wanted to hurt me.

 

A friend of mine always told me he used me. I don't feel like that, I don't feel used. What do you think about that?

 

 

 

 

And another list...

 

Signs I'm not ready to let go or not even close to leting go

 

1. Haven's deleted his number, texts and him from my friends list on Facebook.

 

2. Everyday I wear the necklace he gave me.

 

3. I wrote a poem about him.

 

4. I have a shelf full of gifts from him or things that remind me of our dates and our vacation (I even keep things like a lottery ticket we bought together and a napkin from the restaurant we went to talk about breaking up).

 

5. I wake up thinking about him and when I go to bed before I fall asleep I spend some time thinking about him.

 

6. Recently I started having dreams with him quite often.

 

7. I have a playlist on youtube with songs that remind me of him either because of the lirycs or because we were listening to that song together.

 

8. I still keep writing here and talking about him.

 

9. I still check his profile.

 

10. I still have the urge to start crying sometimes.

 

11. Went to a perfume shop to smell his perfume...

 

12. Everytime Ii feel bad or even happy about something the first thing I want to do is to call him and share with him.

 

13. He said he'll call, again he gave me some hope and something to wait for, I didn't get a real and solid closure (as someone said he said some nice lies just to let me down gently and to see my meltdown) so again he did it for him so he wouldn't deal with seeing me uspet and crying. I am not that kind of person who would say something I don' really mean so I don't understand why there are people doing this? Why is it so hard to tell the whole truth and be direct? Of course, when he asked me if I wanted sex, he asked "can I say it directly". And he did. Yes, I guess that was a lot easier to say.

 

14. If we really broke up the first time we talked about it (but I didn't feel like that) it means it's been three months already and i haven't moved on.

 

I NEED TO STOP THINKING!

[Toodaloo]

Signs I'm not ready to let go or not even close to leting go

 

1. Haven's deleted his number, texts and him from my friends list on Facebook.

 

2. Everyday I wear the necklace he gave me.

 

3. I wrote a poem about him.

 

4. I have a shelf full of gifts from him or things that remind me of our dates and our vacation (I even keep things like a lottery ticket we bought together and a napkin from the restaurant we went to talk about breaking up).

 

5. I wake up thinking about him and when I go to bed before I fall asleep I spend some time thinking about him.

 

6. Recently I started having dreams with him quite often.

 

7. I have a playlist on youtube with songs that remind me of him either because of the lirycs or because we were listening to that song together.

 

8. I still keep writing here and talking about him.

 

9. I still check his profile.

 

10. I still have the urge to start crying sometimes.

 

11. Went to a perfume shop to smell his perfume...

 

12. Everytime Ii feel bad or even happy about something the first thing I want to do is to call him and share with him.

 

13. He said he'll call, again he gave me some hope and something to wait for, I didn't get a real and solid closure (as someone said he said some nice lies just to let me down gently and to see my meltdown) so again he did it for him so he wouldn't deal with seeing me uspet and crying. I am not that kind of person who would say something I don' really mean so I don't understand why there are people doing this? Why is it so hard to tell the whole truth and be direct? Of course, when he asked me if I wanted sex, he asked "can I say it directly". And he did. Yes, I guess that was a lot easier to say.

 

14. If we really broke up the first time we talked about it (but I didn't feel like that) it means it's been three months already and i haven't moved on.

 

I NEED TO STOP THINKING!

 

Delete him

 

Take the flipping necklace off

 

Stop writing poems about him

 

Chuck that shelf of random crap away

 

Delete, block and ignore so you can't keep checking his profile...

 

You are having dreams because you are constantly reminding yourself about him and doing really obsessive stuff (keeping a napkin from the place where you broke up? - seriously?)

 

You are not helping yourself in any way shape or form.

 

Quit doing all this weird random stuff and get rid of the shrine.

 

Your behavior is just really quite sick. You are obsessed not in love. Get rid of all that stuff and remove it. Quit the smelling his perfume lark... Jesus you can post here all you like and go on all you like but the only person who can really help you is yourself...

[Anna2000]

(keeping a napkin from the place where you broke up? - seriously?)

 

I didn't took the napkin with the idea to be reminded about it, I just collect napkins from different resaurants (not just plain white napkings, but with logos, then name of the restaurant) and when we went there I couldn't remember if I already have a napkin from there. That's why I took it. But when I went home I saw I have a napkin from that restaurant. I just didn't throw out this napkin...

[PegNosePete]

I didn't took the napkin with the idea to be reminded about it, I just collect napkins from different resaurants (not just plain white napkings, but with logos, then name of the restaurant) and when we went there I couldn't remember if I already have a napkin from there. That's why I took it. But when I went home I saw I have a napkin from that restaurant. I just didn't throw out this napkin...

Then your excuses about collecting napkins are nullified.

 

You kept that napkin because it's where he broke up with you.

 

Throw it out.

[Itspointless]

I NEED TO STOP THINKING!

Those lists are a good start, I advice you to read about anxious attachment. Best text I have read about it was in a book by Sarah Daniel.