I need hope

[Simon Phoenix]

So I was just a substitute for his wife?

 

In a way. You were a warm body that he could be intimate with and he told you that from the jump. You just chose to ignore it.

 

Wouldn't it be better for him and for people in situations like his to stay alone for a while after the break up?

 

Yes, but many don't. It's called a rebound.

 

Why do people do this?

 

He was looking for some physical fulfillment to mask the void he felt from his marriage dying.

 

I don't want to blame him or anyone. I guess it's not on purpose. It's not like he thought to himself "I'm sad and lonely so I'll go and find someone who I'll use to replace my wife so I'll feel better but I won't invest any emotions in this new relationship".

 

You didn't have a relationship. You had sex. That's all you had and to be fair, that's all he promised you.

 

I am just trying to fully understand him.

 

This is completely pointless. You need to understand yourself first, why you'd be willing to chase a person like this and why you have an irrational, delusional hope that your interaction meant something on the romantic level. And why you refuse to consider reality.

 

What I understand now is that he probably never meant to hurt me. Maybe he feels confused and doesn't know what to do and what he wants right now. He told me that sometimes he feels it's better for him to go to a therapist.

 

He isn't confused and he's never been confused. He told you from the jump that he was interested in purely having sex with you. He's been consistent and clear on that. Once you decided to make up a greater relationship, that's when he backed off, because that was never something he had interest in.

 

As I said, he told me many times it was his fault that I'm hurt, but I don't feel like blaming him. And I'm not sure if he really feels guilty, he's just saying that.

 

Yes, he's saying that to make you feel a little better. He's probably a bit pissed that you tried to force-feed a romantic relationship when that was never on the table, but he figures if he takes the blame himself maybe you'll leave him alone.

 

I would be happy if he called and wouldn't want to think it's a way for him to feel less guilty.

 

If he calls, it'll be for one of two reasons: 1) absolving guilt or 2) he wants another go in the sack. This man is not in love with you, never has been, and never will be. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.

[Anna2000]

He told you point blank that there was no relationship between you and him.

 

NO, he told you he wasn't serious and not ready for a "relationship", you were the one that thought you were in a relationship.

 

You didn't have a relationship. You had sex.

 

Ok, but he was the one who always called it a relationship. Even when I wasn't sure what is going on between us. He called it a relationship and said it wasn't just sex for him.

 

 

You have harassed him to the point where he has to lie to get rid of you. You have made him totally wish he never laid eyes on you.

 

This man is not in love with you, never has been, and never will be.

 

I don't understand how can you say things like these with such certainty. No one knows this for sure.

 

 

He doesn't love you the way you think he does .

 

I never said that he loves me. I already know that he doesn't have such strong feelings for me.

 

As I said before

 

Maybe it's the way he treated me. I felt good with him and when he showed he cared about me, I also felt he was having a good time with me and he said it many times. And I can't believe that you can spend time with someone and not to feel just a little bit attached to that person or not to feel anything. Of course, it's not love in this case, I know. And as I said, there probably is something in me, something that attracted him to me to make him want to spend time with me. And I probably still have it.

Also I don't understand how can you spend time with someone, be intimate with that person and not to miss that person just a little.

 

 

Only time will tell

 

That's what he told me when I asked him if we could ever have a serious relationship.

 

If he misses you he will come back

I hope so.

 

Btw , how old are you ?

I'm 25, he's 38.

 

 

You need to understand yourself first, why you'd be willing to chase a person like this and why you have an irrational, delusional hope that your interaction meant something on the romantic level. And why you refuse to consider reality.

 

I don't know...

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't understand how can you say things like these with such certainty. No one knows this for sure.

 

Sure, maybe there's a .0000000001 percent chance that you jump out of an airplane without a parachute and don't die, but the odds are that you are going to go splat on the ground. What you're doing is holding on to the .0000000001 percent chance and dismissing the overwhelming evidence that your dishes are done. You said yourself that he doesn't have strong feelings for you. Besides brainwashing him or magic, how do you expect him to change 180 degrees when he never was into you for more than sex in the first place. Men do not go from FWB "relationships" to romantic ones with the same woman. It doesn't happen.

 

I mean, you can continue to stick your head in the stand and indignantly dismiss the evidence while waiting for your Powerball ticket to cash in, but you're wasting your time.

[PegNosePete]

I don't understand how can you say things like these with such certainty.

As I said before. Men who are interested, don't not call.

 

Is your phone ringing? No.

 

That is how we know with total certainty that he is not interested. If he were interested he would be talking to you.

 

But it seems you're not going to listen to logic or reason here, you're going to carry on living in your fantasy world. There's nothing more we can say or do really. It's up to you now Anna. Good luck with your choices.

[elaine567]

Also I don't understand how can you spend time with someone, be intimate with that person and not to miss that person just a little.

 

Because he doesn't see you in the way you see him, he sees you in the same way he may see a golf partner or someone he plays squash with.

He enjoys the time playing golf with George, they may hang out for a bit too, but they are not bosom buddies. If he decides he doesn't want to play golf any longer, then he is hardly going to be seriously cut up about the fact he will not see George any longer, it was a friendship based solely on playing golf.

Yours was a friendship based solely on having sex, he no longer wants to have sex with you, so why would he need to keep seeing you?

 

You are associating intimacy and sex, with love, but many people easily separate the two.

[Anna2000]

I understand what everyone here is telling me. I just still can't get rid of the hope that he'll call or that we might be together in the future.

I'm trying to keep my mind busy with other thoughts and not to think about him so much but it's not working.

At least, I started exercising.

Now I have to resist the urge to contact him. I know I'll hate myself if I do it.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I understand what everyone here is telling me. I just still can't get rid of the hope that he'll call or that we might be together in the future.

I'm trying to keep my mind busy with other thoughts and not to think about him so much but it's not working.

At least, I started exercising.

Now I have to resist the urge to contact him. I know I'll hate myself if I do it.

Here's the thing: hope can be paralyzing. You always hear people say things like "don't lose hope" and "never give up hope," and trust me, I want to believe those too. But sometimes it's best to give up hope so that you can move on.

 

A little piece of you died when you lost him. Right now it may feel like a big piece. But like most wounds, it will heal. You'll get a new piece back in its place after some time, and you will feel whole again. It's okay to mourn that lost piece, but hope that you'll get him back will keep that wound festering indefinitely.

 

I'm speaking to myself here too. Currently I'm in a position where part of me knows I need to let go and move on, and part of me is holding onto hope that I will be forgiven and can have my love back. I want that closure that I didn't miss any opportunity by moving on too quickly. Here's a quick story for you:

 

Before I knew I was gay, I had a crush on this guy who gave me alllll the signs that he liked me too. I saw him a few times a week at the ice rink because we were both practicing to play hockey. We hung out a few times too. I got tired of waiting for him to make a move, and so I started making very subtle moves. It did nothing. Deep down I knew he wasn't interested after all, but I had to know know. So I worked up the courage to straight up ask him. I was a little angry too, because I felt he had strung me along and then was rebuffing me. He was short and cold, but honest. Said no, he never liked me in that way. It hurt like hell. But it closed that door for good, and gave me the closure I needed to move on and heal. And now, 7 years later, I hardly remember his name and could care less if he falls off the face of the earth.

 

My point is, I know closure helps. The relationship I lost, I think I know it's doomed, but I want that door to be slammed, locked, and explicitly told it's O.V.E.R. Your guy said he'd call. He hasn't screamed at you to get the F away or that he hates you and it's over. I know that YOU know it's probably over, but those tiny little open doors he's leaving makes it really hard to move on. Trust me, I get it. You almost want that door slammed so you can know you aren't missing any opportunities.

 

If you want to reach out, do it. If you feel like it may get you somewhere, do it. But make a pact with yourself that it's your last attempt and if it doesn't work, you are taking that as a slammed door and will move on.

[Anna2000]

Maybe you are right. The first time I didn't think we are breaking up and there was no closure. Even if I asked him to give me hope or to end my hope completely in the letter I sent him then.

The second time when we met to talk (two weeks ago) I thought that we'll have a closure this time but again I didn't get the feeling that it's completely over. And it's because of these things you mentioned - he didn't say he doesn't ever want to see me again, he didn't tell me not to call him ever again, he said we might meet at the bar, then he said he'll call.

 

If I decide to contact him it will probably be in a few weeks. I tried to promise myself not to contact him at least until the end of the month. I need to give him space and time and whatever he needs.

 

The worst thing is that I know that when I reactivate my Facebook account the first thing I'll do is to check his profile and check the bar's page for photos. Even if I know I won't feel good especially if I see something I don't want and don't need to see.

[elaine567]

The second time when we met to talk (two weeks ago) I thought that we'll have a closure this time but again I didn't get the feeling that it's completely over. And it's because of these things you mentioned - he didn't say he doesn't ever want to see me again, he didn't tell me not to call him ever again, he said we might meet at the bar, then he said he'll call.

 

Most people when breaking up with someone they know cares, tend to try to avoid upsetting the other person too much.

They do not want to witness an utter break down personally, so they sugar coat it. We'll see each other again of course we will, I'll call you, we'll text, I'll email you, we can meet for coffee, "It is just not the right time for us just now, but in ten years, we could be married...", lots of little encouraging phrases that they tend not to really mean and usually have no intention of following through on.

They don't call, text or email, they go out of their way not to meet up, as it is all just too awkward and embarrassing.

 

OR some go down the "Let's be just friends" route, and extract the maximum torture, as they tell you how well they are doing without you, and may even let you in on their new dating history, as you are now their new best friend...

 

Of course some try to keep you sweet and on tap, as a potential sexual partner, for when they have a dry spell...

It takes all sorts.

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe you are right. The first time I didn't think we are breaking up and there was no closure. Even if I asked him to give me hope or to end my hope completely in the letter I sent him then.

The second time when we met to talk (two weeks ago) I thought that we'll have a closure this time but again I didn't get the feeling that it's completely over. And it's because of these things you mentioned - he didn't say he doesn't ever want to see me again, he didn't tell me not to call him ever again, he said we might meet at the bar, then he said he'll call.

 

If I decide to contact him it will probably be in a few weeks. I tried to promise myself not to contact him at least until the end of the month. I need to give him space and time and whatever he needs.

 

The worst thing is that I know that when I reactivate my Facebook account the first thing I'll do is to check his profile and check the bar's page for photos. Even if I know I won't feel good especially if I see something I don't want and don't need to see.

 

As elaine said, all of that was said to either a) let you down gently or b) to avoid witnessing a meltdown. You need to stop pursuing this man completely -- be it now, next month, a few months, etc.

[Anna2000]

It's been three weeks and he hasn't contacted me yet I also haven't.

I'm still waiting and hoping.

[elaine567]

It's been three weeks and he hasn't contacted me yet I also haven't.

I'm still waiting and hoping.

 

Don't... just don't.

[BC1980]

It's been three weeks and he hasn't contacted me yet I also haven't.

I'm still waiting and hoping.

 

He might contact you again, after enough time has passed that he thinks your feelings might be neutralized, to hit you up for sex. Is that really what you are waiting and hoping for? That's what you aspire to for yourself?

[Zahara]

It's been three weeks and he hasn't contacted me yet I also haven't.

I'm still waiting and hoping.

 

He'll be back. He's hit the reset button. He's waiting for your expectations to settle because in his mind ignoring you should be sending you a clear message as to the terms of what you are to him. He'll resurface, use you for sex, you'll get all emotional again -- the cycle will continue.

 

At some point you'll realize your reality. Until then, you'll be your own worse enemy.

[elaine567]

I know Anna did a lot of desperate and needy texting and calling, so I guess he may never want to revisit that.

[Zahara]

I know Anna did a lot of desperate and needy texting and calling, so I guess he may never want to revisit that.

 

I hope so too. I have a friend who's been doing this for 10 years and she's been absolutely bonkers when it comes to him and he still sniffs around every few months. There are guys out there that can look past that just to have one more go.

 

For her sake, I hope he's done for good.

[PegNosePete]

I don't know if he will be back or not, but I can say this. If I were him, I'd have your number filed under "CRAZY STALKER DO NOT CALL EVER EVER EVER"...

[autumnamnesiac79]

OR some go down the "Let's be just friends" route, and extract the maximum torture, as they tell you how well they are doing without you, and may even let you in on their new dating history, as you are now their new best friend...

 

 

i tried that route, but ughh you got it spot. It just sucks coming to that agreement "let's just be friends, we can start over again," but being the only one trying to keep the friendship going. And when I did, It was all about her new friends or new boyfriend. I just knew nothing was going to change, so I decided just to cut it off.

UGGHHH.

[Itspointless]

It's been three weeks and he hasn't contacted me yet I also haven't.

I'm still waiting and hoping.

He was the one who ended his relationship and said he doesn’t want to go back to it. He said he has some problems with his wife but wasn’t specific. He told me it was hell living with her.[...] I remember that after a few dates he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I asked if that was all he wanted and told him I don’t want just sex. His answer was “Sex is a good way to start and then we’ll think about the rest”.

Only read the first page, but reading that probably was enough. So he was the one who ended but he did not want to talk about it as it was hell? Yeah right! My bet is he was hell to his wife. That second line I quoted, oh my ... OK he has been sincere that it wasn't going anywhere, but what scum he is by saying and doing that! Honestly, he was thinking with his dick. I am not sure if I am allowed to say something like that here, but seriously. He is not worth your hope.

 

Sorry for your pain though. Try to move on and grieve. Next time believe what is told to you.

[Raina314]

Wow. This was a long read, but I did get through it.

Anna, I understand completely where you're coming from. My ex put us on a "break" for two months before dumping me with finality, and during those two months I fed myself every ounce of hope I could find because it truly did feel like my life would be over if I lost him. I couldn't stand the thought of it. I lost my virginity to him, which I'd saved for quite a while, and I loved him very, very much. I'm normally a cheery, sunny sort of person and death is my biggest fear in the world, but when I couldn't be with him anymore, I felt like I didn't even care if I never woke up again when I went to bed every night.

 

I know your life feels pointless without him and that you'd rather be hanging by this very painful thread than to fall all the way down. People will tell you that you need to realize your self-worth and see your beauty and value and all that, but the truth is, it'll be a while before you'll be able to see and realize those things again. For a while, I felt totally worthless. I wanted to beg at his feet and act completely pathetic. But I didn't, because I knew on a logical level that there would be a day that I'd be very embarrassed about that, even if that day wasn't today. I didn't believe that day would come, but I did know it on an intellectual level, if that makes sense. So while I didn't realize right away that I had worth or value or beauty, I did realize that if I wanted to survive and see the light again, I had to fake it till I made it. So I went through a few months just going through the motions, making myself go to work every day like I always had, forcing myself to eat and work out like I always had, forcing myself to do my usual chores all while soaking in the pain and not saying a word to my ex. And that was the best I could do, and it's the most you can ask of yourself when you feel like that.

 

I still have days where I feel like a piece of dirt, but I also have days where I'm proud of myself for maintaining my dignity when I was at my absolute lowest, and while it took me months to have even just one of those days, it was worth it. So my advice is to not put too much pressure on yourself to stop loving him, or to realize that your life is worth something without him. There's nothing you can tell yourself right now that'll make you believe that, as sad as it is. You could be the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world and not be able to internalize it. But DO try to think on a logical level that someday you might feel like that, and make a commitment to fake it till you make it, and one day you will.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Raina314

[Eighty_nine]

 

 

That you turned into a crazy psycho stalker

 

This is unhelpful and unnecessary. It really bums me out how frequently people talk this way around here. There's a way to be frank and empathic without being a d*ck. It's totally counterproductive to shame & label someone for their behavior. It exacerbates the poor self esteem that leads people to act this way in the first place. Doesn't achieve anything.

 

You're not a crazy stalker for contacting him when you were hurt, having trouble accepting what he told you, and wanting closure. It's not advisable to continue making contact after being rejection because it will just lead to even lower self esteem and prevent you from moving on, but it definitely doesn't make you a psychopath, doesn't make you "crazy", so try to ignore this kind of thing.

 

I noticed you've been several weeks no contact. That's pretty incredible right there. This was deeply painful for you and very difficult to accept and you've made it three weeks. You've even said you've wanted to contact him, wanted to check his Facebook, but found it within you to resist. That's no little thing. You should feel proud of yourself. Play around with that feeling and see if it can provide you motivation to continue.

 

NC doesn't bring people back. But I see if you believe giving him space results in a teenie tiny chance of him coming back to you, feed on that and use it for motivation. There's really no harm in that because NC will help you move on, and when you have moved on, you will not be worried about the false hope you gave yourself.

 

But I also agree with the poster who said If NC is unbearable, go ahead and contact him. That will cause you more hurt because he will eventually block you and cut your means of contacting him. But for you, it might be what you need. No, this guy doesn't respect you and further contact will make it worse. But this is about YOU and not him.

 

You're asking for hope for this relationship but really what you want, I think, is hope that you will feel better. And you absolutely can have hope about that! You will. And you'll see him after that the bar you frequent, and you'll be able to exchange a smile or a few pleasantries and move on with your evening without being destroyed. And it will feel AMAZING.

Edited February 19, 2016 by lissvarna

[Anna2000]

He might contact you again, after enough time has passed that he thinks your feelings might be neutralized, to hit you up for sex. Is that really what you are waiting and hoping for? That's what you aspire to for yourself?

 

He'll be back. He's hit the reset button. He's waiting for your expectations to settle because in his mind ignoring you should be sending you a clear message as to the terms of what you are to him. He'll resurface, use you for sex, you'll get all emotional again -- the cycle will continue.

 

At some point you'll realize your reality. Until then, you'll be your own worse

enemy.

 

 

I don't think if he comes back it would be just for sex. He knows I have feelings and even if he thinks that after time these feeling are gone, he probably knows that as you said I'll get emotional again. So I don't think he would have the same relationship with me as before. It would be the worst thing he could do and I don't think he's such a bad and selfish person to do this.

 

 

I know Anna did a lot of desperate and needy texting and calling, so I guess he may never want to revisit that.

 

I hope so too. I have a friend who's been doing this for 10 years and she's been absolutely bonkers when it comes to him and he still sniffs around every few months. There are guys out there that can look past that just to have one more go.

 

For her sake, I hope he's done for good.

 

I don't know if he will be back or not, but I can say this. If I were him, I'd have your number filed under "CRAZY STALKER DO NOT CALL EVER EVER EVER"...

 

 

Calling me crazy stalker sounds offensive to me. And it makes me feel like I did something so horrible that couldn't be fixed. I explained already how many times I called him and why I did it (not feeling like we are breaking up, not knowing what's going on, not understanding why he says he'll call and then doesn't do it). I know I shouldn't have called him, because it was desperate but I did it for these reasons.

As you see, now I don't call him, no matter how much I would like to do it. But if I continued to do it now, yes, then maybe I would be more closely to crazy stalker.

 

 

Only read the first page, but reading that probably was enough. So he was the one who ended but he did not want to talk about it as it was hell? Yeah right! My bet is he was hell to his wife. That second line I quoted, oh my ... OK he has been sincere that it wasn't going anywhere, but what scum he is by saying and doing that! Honestly, he was thinking with his dick. I am not sure if I am allowed to say something like that here, but seriously. He is not worth your hope.

 

Sorry for your pain though. Try to move on and grieve. Next time believe what is told to you.

 

 

He told me a few more things about his wife. He didn't want to go home after work because he knew she was there so he started going to the gym after work.

One of his best friends who was his best man at their wedding told him after they broke up that he only agreed to be his best man because they are friends but he never liked his wife as a person.

They have broken up before and that's when she found another man and got engaged to him. He told me he wanted her back and that's why he proposed to her. Wedding wasn't something he really wanted but he was ready to do anything to keep her. After the wedding he said everything went downhill.

One evening we were out with him and his friends and he told them the divorce will be finalized soon and they should celebrate.

So actually I haven't heard anything good about his wife, he portrayed her in a bad light but that doesn't mean she's the one to blame. I guess he wouldn't tell me if he was the one who did wrong.

 

 

I still have days where I feel like a piece of dirt, but I also have days where I'm proud of myself for maintaining my dignity when I was at my absolute lowest, and while it took me months to have even just one of those days, it was worth it.

 

So my advice is to not put too much pressure on yourself to stop loving him, or to realize that your life is worth something without him. There's nothing you can tell yourself right now that'll make you believe that, as sad as it is. You could be the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world and not be able to internalize it. But DO try to think on a logical level that someday you might feel like that, and make a commitment to fake it till you make it, and one day you will.

 

 

Yes, right now I actually don't want to stop loving him and wanting to be with him and don't even want to make myself to do it. I feel like I want to have feelings for him always and don't want them to fade away. I don't want one day to be able to tell myself that I'm feeling fine without him and I don't need him. I don't want that day to come. I don't want to let go or to make effort to let go. It might sound strange but that's how I feel.

 

 

This is unhelpful and unnecessary. It really bums me out how frequently people talk this way around here. There's a way to be frank and empathic without being a d*ck. It's totally counterproductive to shame & label someone for their behavior. It exacerbates the poor self esteem that leads people to act this way in the first place. Doesn't achieve anything.

 

You're not a crazy stalker for contacting him when you were hurt, having trouble accepting what he told you, and wanting closure. It's not advisable to continue making contact after being rejection because it will just lead to even lower self esteem and prevent you from moving on, but it definitely doesn't make you a psychopath, doesn't make you "crazy", so try to ignore this kind of thing.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

I noticed you've been several weeks no contact. That's pretty incredible right there. This was deeply painful for you and very difficult to accept and you've made it three weeks. You've even said you've wanted to contact him, wanted to check his Facebook, but found it within you to resist. That's no little thing. You should feel proud of yourself. Play around with that feeling and see if it can provide you motivation to continue.

 

NC doesn't bring people back. But I see if you believe giving him space results in a teenie tiny chance of him coming back to you, feed on that and use it for motivation. There's really no harm in that because NC will help you move on, and when you have moved on, you will not be worried about the false hope you gave yourself.

 

But I also agree with the poster who said If NC is unbearable, go ahead and contact him. That will cause you more hurt because he will eventually block you and cut your means of contacting him. But for you, it might be what you need. No, this guy doesn't respect you and further contact will make it worse. But this is about YOU and not him.

 

You're asking for hope for this relationship but really what you want, I think, is hope that you will feel better. And you absolutely can have hope about that! You will. And you'll see him after that the bar you frequent, and you'll be able to exchange a smile or a few pleasantries and move on with your evening without being destroyed. And it will feel AMAZING.

 

 

Ok, few days ago I activated my account and checked his profile. I coulnd't resist it. Didn't see anything that could upset me but I see he started tagging himself on photos from bars and he's never done this before. He's just hanging out with friends, no wife, no other women. There were also photos from November with him carrying some girl on his shoulders and now he's removed the tags.

Yes, hoping he'll call after I gave him space and maybe wondering why I stopped calling (maybe he expects me to call again) is what really gives me motivation not to contact him now.

I don't believe if I contact him he would cut any contact with me. I don't plan to call him more than once if I decide to do it.

And about respect... I told him that he doesn't have respect for me to answer my call and he said he wasn't doing it out of respect for me and when I asked him what's the reason he said he doesn't know.

Right now just thinking about seeing him at the bar and just saying "Hi" or seeing him with another woman makes me feel horrible. But I'll probably go there in a few weeks and see how it goes if he's there.

[Toodaloo]

Anna honey I know its really hard to hear but when you finally accept the following you will be happier.

 

1. You have acted like a crazy stalker lady

2. He only wants sex - nothing more

3. He does not care about you

4. You have not been caring about yourself

5. You have been deluding yourself

 

The good news is that at some point we have all been there hence why we can see these things.

 

The really great news is that once you accept these things and change them you actually end up a whole heap happier...

 

Good luck chook

 

I really think you need it.

 

For crying out loud though. Stay away from him. He is not good for you in any way shape nor form.

[Itspointless]

He told me a few more things about his wife. He didn't want to go home after work because he knew she was there so he started going to the gym after work.

One of his best friends who was his best man at their wedding told him after they broke up that he only agreed to be his best man because they are friends but he never liked his wife as a person.

They have broken up before and that's when she found another man and got engaged to him. He told me he wanted her back and that's why he proposed to her. Wedding wasn't something he really wanted but he was ready to do anything to keep her. After the wedding he said everything went downhill.

One evening we were out with him and his friends and he told them the divorce will be finalized soon and they should celebrate.

So actually I haven't heard anything good about his wife, he portrayed her in a bad light but that doesn't mean she's the one to blame. I guess he wouldn't tell me if he was the one who did wrong.

Anna, reading this I think they are both to blame for it. But I have to say I do always find it telling when people only can say negative things about the other person. It gives away that in most cases that particular person is not really reflective and instead uses the other to look away from themselves. His behavior towards you despite his warning about commitment also points to such self-serving behavior.

[elaine567]

Anna, reading this I think they are both to blame for it. But I have to say I do always find it telling when people only can say negative things about the other person. It gives away that in most cases that particular person is not really reflective and instead uses the other to look away from themselves. His behavior towards you despite his warning about commitment also points to such self-serving behavior.

YOU may be right but he was describing his marriage to the girl he was seeing, so most in that situation downplay the part the ex played in their life.

They don't tend to say, "She was the love of my life, such a wonderful person and I ruined it by treating her so badly and cheating on her, I'll never love anyone that much again"

NO they make out they never really cared about the ex and she was a horrible person anyway, which gives the new gf the idea that he cares for her so much more and he needs looking after as he was the victim of his dreadful wife...

"Poor man, let me love you and look after you"