My brother's mid-life crisis [and affair]

[Gigi2015]

My brother is in IC!! So happy for him. Him and SIL are really trying to work it out.... I'm sure he really wants this. That's the thing about being a sis...he knows I care about his happiness..He needs not lie to me. Or pretend. He doesn't need to impress me..ever. I'm so glad he's not losing his whole world over some mediocre confusion...

[Gigi2015]

There's half full, half empty & then there is me...just straight half. Isn't half full or empty, it's in the middle. You don't have to be negative to be logical & street/life smart. In fact it helps when you have problems bc you're not thrown off your game like people that think "nothing bad can ever happen to me". Have you ever seen someone like thproblem...it's ugly bc they haven't emotionally prepared themselves for anything to go wrong & truly can't handle a problem.

 

I like reality , nothing more, nothing less. I don't want down version or happy version, I want the real version.

 

 

Most people think their approach is the most reasonable right? That's what makes us who we are....a product of a collection of experiences that we've learned and grown from. Nobody is an authority on everything. We share to bounce off ideas and select what seems reasonable to us.

[ChickiePops]

This is really harder than it sounds when you have a extremely close family.

 

This is a cop out. Being close doesn't mean you have to agree with and support every decision someone makes. If a family member of yours was a drug addict or a pedophile or a murderer, would you brush that off as a mistake or a misunderstanding too?

 

It sounds like the OP's brother made some very stupid and potentially life-ruining decisions and got lucky that he's not being punished more harshly for them.

 

I'm sorry to the OP, and I'm happy your brother is in counseling. I hope he's able to pull it together and make things work for himself and the rest of his and your family.

[Gigi2015]

This is a cop out. Being close doesn't mean you have to agree with and support every decision someone makes. If a family member of yours was a drug addict or a pedophile or a murderer, would you brush that off as a mistake or a misunderstanding too?

 

It sounds like the OP's brother made some very stupid and potentially life-ruining decisions and got lucky that he's not being punished more harshly for them.

 

I'm sorry to the OP, and I'm happy your brother is in counseling. I hope he's able to pull it together and make things work for himself and the rest of his and your family.

 

I truly believe I my have never known...but he came to me humbled, ashamed and repentant. He really loves his wife! He simply wanted to confess...already taken steps to redeem himself. They're both in IC and MC....

[S2B]

This is really harder than it sounds when you have a extremely close family.

 

It looks like your family may be too close. Have you ever considered that?

 

He should be taking his truth to his wife, not you.

[Whoknew30]

It looks like your family may be too close. Have you ever considered that?

 

He should be taking his truth to his wife, not you.

 

Lol, there's never too close of a family. At the end of that day, there can always be divorce but my siblings will always be my siblings. Doesn't matter what happens in life, wrong or right our love & being there for each other will never go away. Any of my siblings can come to me with their problems & as long as I'm living I'll always be there for them to & vice versa. That's family.

[Whoknew30]

This is a cop out. Being close doesn't mean you have to agree with and support every decision someone makes. If a family member of yours was a drug addict or a pedophile or a murderer, would you brush that off as a mistake or a misunderstanding too?

 

It sounds like the OP's brother made some very stupid and potentially life-ruining decisions and got lucky that he's not being punished more harshly for them.

 

I'm sorry to the OP, and I'm happy your brother is in counseling. I hope he's able to pull it together and make things work for himself and the rest of his and your family.

 

Not a cop out. Having marriage problems & touching a child is not even a ok comparison. It's ironic to me how many people are so quick to say "I'd pull away" but yet say that your sense of family is strong within marriage. That doesn't even make sense.

[Whoknew30]

Most people think their approach is the most reasonable right? That's what makes us who we are....a product of a collection of experiences that we've learned and grown from. Nobody is an authority on everything. We share to bounce off ideas and select what seems reasonable to us.[/quote

 

It's true, all about experience. Coming from such a huge family & starting my adult life off so young definitely has always made me ahead of the game when it comes to experience, so you're right that's why I try & see things for what they really are minus any emotion.

[ChickiePops]

Not a cop out. Having marriage problems & touching a child is not even a ok comparison. It's ironic to me how many people are so quick to say "I'd pull away" but yet say that your sense of family is strong within marriage. That doesn't even make sense.

 

It's absolutely a cop out. You can love someone and still understand that they've done something wrong and not compromise your own morals. People aren't perfect or faultless just because you love them.

[Whoknew30]

It's absolutely a cop out. You can love someone and still understand that they've done something wrong and not compromise your own morals. People aren't perfect or faultless just because you love them.

 

Who said I didn't understand it was a wrong action? You aren't reading what I wrote. I said I wouldn't pull away from my brother for making bad decision. How does his wrong make my morals screwed up, I don't own my siblings actions. I can only love them & my love won't stop bc they're imperfect.

 

Also I think it's ironic how quick people say pull away from their own family bc of an A, yet are some of the same people that have tried to work it out with their WS. How hypocritical is that?

[Lois_Griffin]

I truly believe I my have never known...but he came to me humbled, ashamed and repentant. He really loves his wife! He simply wanted to confess...already taken steps to redeem himself. They're both in IC and MC....

Well, it was easy to 'confess' to you - he knew he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his sh*t behavior by telling you as compared to telling the woman whose busted her ass for YEARS for him and stood by him.

 

So now, he'll just lie to her face every single day for the rest of her life, taking his dirty little secret to the grave with him.

 

What a lucky, lucky gal - that's some stand up guy she's got herself.

[BetrayedH]

Well, it was easy to 'confess' to you - he knew he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his sh*t behavior by telling you as compared to telling the woman whose busted her ass for YEARS for him and stood by him.

 

So now, he'll just lie to her face every single day for the rest of her life, taking his dirty little secret to the grave with him.

 

What a lucky, lucky gal - that's some stand up guy she's got herself.

 

Yep, I would continue to find this situation unacceptable until such time as someone gives this woman an opportunity to make informed decisions.

 

If she's allowed to renew her vows to this man being unaware of an affair, it's an absolute travesty. And if I knew about it and said nothing, I'd be ashamed of myself.

[BetrayedH]

EVERYONE, in my family, friends & my kids friends, come to me about everything. I'm always the first to know bc I'm dead honest.

 

You're dead honest, huh?

 

That is truly a laugh and a half.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh I missed this....

 

Once again it's about living in reality. I really don't even understand your analogy about the Middle East. When did I ever say it was the BS fault they were cheated on, never said that. I'm saying it's just naive to see something isn't right & A never entered your mind.

 

The Middle East analogy was based on two very bad assumptions.

Just like the two assumptions you made about the BS. They are either "very naive" to not think their spouse is cheating or "not very connected to the relationship" if they don't notice and decide that their spouse is cheating.

 

Both are crap assumptions, no matter what a fellow Mom said.

 

Most cheating spouses don't place billboards up around town that they are cheating. Hence, they try to keep it hidden. Furthermore, A LOT of WS do 'overcompensating' gestures to keep their BS in the dark.

 

Even if the BS knows something is 'wrong' they often don't assume the worst, right away. Often the WS will blame "work stress" or "[insert external factor here]."

 

Can you stop adding words to what I say. I never blamed the person for being cheated on or said that it's their fault...not once. The cheater isn't ready for marriage either.

 

The fault you found was with the BS believing in and trusting the person they married. Considering the long-term history most BS have with their WS, it is also entirely possible that the WS stress behaviours or routines are within an obvious realm of repeated actions, that have also been done when the WS ISN'T cheating.

 

You blamed the BS for not "recognizing the signs" of infidelity as infidelity.

It's about the same thing as blaming the victim of just about any other con job as merely naive or stupid. Truth us, people like Bernie Madoff exist and project a much different image than who they actually are.

 

You're allowing your emotions to run your comprehensive reading. If you reread what I've wrote, never did I put the blame on BS. Not once.

 

Last of the poor assumptions.

 

No surprise there. I read WHAT YOU SAID and responded to it. Perhaps you should re-read what I said.

[S2B]

I truly believe I my have never known...but he came to me humbled, ashamed and repentant. He really loves his wife! He simply wanted to confess...already taken steps to redeem himself. They're both in IC and MC....

 

Counseling is worth nothing if he's not honest with offering truth.

 

You keep saying he loves her but his actions proves he's selfish and lies by omission = that is NOT love.

 

Please, quit defending him by saying he's changed. He hasn't even started to change because he isn't honest with her!

 

And giving you that info is dispicable of him. That was to relieve his guilt. It's too bad he believes you will keep quiet about it - you might want to consider why you would do such a thing to an innocent party (her).

 

The M is a farce because he's not honest. I have a hard time calling that love.

[Whoknew30]

You're dead honest, huh?

 

That is truly a laugh and a half.

 

I don't know what happened in your situation but in mine...I told my H, he didn't have to catch me & I tried to tell him about OM approaching me & he trusts me to handle it myself. Sorry but not all get completely jaded for life from A. Some actually move on from it. What do you mean by me saying I won't get into other people's business if they're cheating...if it's not my marriage it's not my problem or my concern. Just bc one was cheated on doesn't mean now, you know what's best for others or that everyone wants you involved in their lives.

[Whoknew30]

Oh I missed this....

 

 

 

The Middle East analogy was based on two very bad assumptions.

Just like the two assumptions you made about the BS. They are either "very naive" to not think their spouse is cheating or "not very connected to the relationship" if they don't notice and decide that their spouse is cheating.

 

Both are crap assumptions, no matter what a fellow Mom said.

 

Most cheating spouses don't place billboards up around town that they are cheating. Hence, they try to keep it hidden. Furthermore, A LOT of WS do 'overcompensating' gestures to keep their BS in the dark.

 

Even if the BS knows something is 'wrong' they often don't assume the worst, right away. Often the WS will blame "work stress" or "[insert external factor here]."

 

 

 

The fault you found was with the BS believing in and trusting the person they married. Considering the long-term history most BS have with their WS, it is also entirely possible that the WS stress behaviours or routines are within an obvious realm of repeated actions, that have also been done when the WS ISN'T cheating.

 

You blamed the BS for not "recognizing the signs" of infidelity as infidelity.

It's about the same thing as blaming the victim of just about any other con job as merely naive or stupid. Truth us, people like Bernie Madoff exist and project a much different image than who they actually are.

 

 

 

Last of the poor assumptions.

 

No surprise there. I read WHAT YOU SAID and responded to it. Perhaps you should re-read what I said.

 

There were also many people Bernie couldn't trick...how do you explain those people? I'm sorry sometimes it is someone's fault for being screwed over, there can every sign & they didn't see it.

[dreamingoftigers]

There were also many people Bernie couldn't trick...how do you explain those people? I'm sorry sometimes it is someone's fault for being screwed over, there can every sign & they didn't see it.

 

I am not responsible for someone else's abusive choices.

 

Nor is anyone else.

 

One CAN learn to spot red flags etc. Bit that still doesn't make them responsible for the actions of the victimizers.

 

See Bernie did what Bernie did regardless of those who saw it and those who didn't. That's why he gets the rap for it. The people who didn't trust Bernie with their finances may have been privy to other knowledge or were able to ascertain the more nasty aspects of his character for whatever reason, perhaps being burned before. Much like I am from having been cheated on, I am more able to see the character and social deficits of those type of individuals that self-justify. But it still doesn't take away IN ANY WAY the abusive nature of either Bernie Madoff or other people that choose to abuse.

 

People's trust being taken advantage of is not a crime of fault. It's often a sign of being a pretty decent person to have faith in people.

 

Frankly, it's no achievement to abuse someone without them knowing. Like stealing money out if a blind person's wallet. That isn't the blind person's fault. It's the fault of the arsehole taking advantage of another's perceived weakness.

[Whoknew30]

I am not responsible for someone else's abusive choices.

 

Nor is anyone else.

 

One CAN learn to spot red flags etc. Bit that still doesn't make them responsible for the actions of the victimizers.

 

See Bernie did what Bernie did regardless of those who saw it and those who didn't. That's why he gets the rap for it. The people who didn't trust Bernie with their finances may have been privy to other knowledge or were able to ascertain the more nasty aspects of his character for whatever reason, perhaps being burned before. Much like I am from having been cheated on, I am more able to see the character and social deficits of those type of individuals that self-justify. But it still doesn't take away IN ANY WAY the abusive nature of either Bernie Madoff or other people that choose to abuse.

 

People's trust being taken advantage of is not a crime of fault. It's often a sign of being a pretty decent person to have faith in people.

 

Frankly, it's no achievement to abuse someone without them knowing. Like stealing money out if a blind person's wallet. That isn't the blind person's fault. It's the fault of the arsehole taking advantage of another's perceived weakness.

 

 

No, no one is responsible for other's abuse but one is responsible for themselves. Decent people can have faith in other's without being easy targets. Also Bernie is a bad comparison bc he went after people's greed & greed makes one a easy target.