My brother's mid-life crisis [and affair]

[Gigi2015]

She probably doesn't want to know. Women know when something is up but doesn't mean they want to go looking for it. I don't think you've done the wrong thing at all by not telling. Most people just loive to tell to make themselves feel like they've done something good & when things blow up, they jump back & say...then you shouldn't have done it. It's easy to tell when you're not going to be there to see what comes from it. You would be & no matter the outcome everyone would be hurt.

 

I feel for you bc it such a difficult situation. I hope it works out.

 

I don't believe that she wouldn't want to know..I think since he's hot/cold...making love to her, kissing her feet, taking her on outings, dinners, etc. then turning cold for no reason she can't figure out what the problem is.....plus she has a couple of decades of a proven great relationship....she doesn't know what to think...but--I know she's scared and anxious.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Gigi2015

[S2B]

Well yes...and he's also taking steps to fix it. I'm not even sure she'd like to know. They seem back on track...even renewing vows. I gave no need to ruin the whole thing. They truly love each other. My brother is in IC. The train wreck has stopped....

 

I'm unsure why you think you own his actions... You wouldn't ruin it - HE ruined it. It's his; not yours.

 

You would only be offering truth/honesty.

 

Frankly, I'd tell him if HE doesn't tell her - you will. And give him two days to be honest before telling.

 

 

He should be learning in IC how to be honest!

 

 

I mean, really, you're going to watch vows be renewed knowing it's all based on deception? I'd have a very difficult time supporting that!

[Gigi2015]

I'm unsure why you think you own his actions... You wouldn't ruin it - HE ruined it. It's his; not yours.

 

You would only be offering truth/honesty.

 

Frankly, I'd tell him if HE doesn't tell her - you will. And give him two days to be honest before telling.

 

 

He should be learning in IC how to be honest!

 

 

I mean, really, you're going to watch vows be renewed knowing it's all based on deception? I'd have a very difficult time supporting that!

 

 

Actually the hot/cold thing ended when he went NC. They are in HB. My brother is really trying to understand why he did that. He said it had nothing to do with her. Ive been reading a lot about the subject for the last couple of months. I think this needs to be disclosed in MC. It'll still hurt her but she'll be in a situation where she'll have the proper help.

[Whoknew30]

I don't believe that she wouldn't want to know..I think since he's hot/cold...making love to her, kissing her feet, taking her on outings, dinners, etc. then turning cold for no reason she can't figure out what the problem is.....plus she has a couple of decades of a proven great relationship....she doesn't know what to think...but--I know she's scared and anxious.

 

Everything he's doing is basic cheating 101. If your H is yelling at you & going places for the night bc you asked a simple question & then wants to all of a sudden renew vows...I consider that major denial or severely naive.

 

Every sign is there minus him actually telling her himself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Everything he's doing is basic cheating 101. If your H is yelling at you & going places for the night bc you asked a simple question & then wants to all of a sudden renew vows...I consider that major denial or severely naive.

 

Every sign is there minus him actually telling her himself.

 

Except that normal people from non-cheater families don't know what the Cheater 101 Handbook looks like.

 

So yes, the majority of us DONT HAVE A CLUE why their partner is acting like they've been replaced by aliens.

 

It's not "major denial" its really not having that knowledge gifted to them.

[Whoknew30]

Except that normal people from non-cheater families don't know what the Cheater 101 Handbook looks like.

 

So yes, the majority of us DONT HAVE A CLUE why their partner is acting like they've been replaced by aliens.

 

It's not "major denial" its really not having that knowledge gifted to them.

 

First of all, what is "normal"? You came from a family of cheating, so even if "normal" people don't know, you'd be one of them that should, since you watched your mother go through it.

 

If you type in to google, why is my husband acting this way...you'll only get over a million sights stating "signs your husband is cheating". So if a "normal" person is so distraught over a spouse acting weird, they're not going to do any reading on it at all? Sorry, i think if your spouse is leaving the house over night over a question & cheating doesn't pop into your head...major denial.

[dreamingoftigers]

First of all, what is "normal"? You came from a family of cheating, so even if "normal" people don't know, you'd be one of them that should, since you watched your mother go through it.

 

If you type in to google, why is my husband acting this way...you'll only get over a million sights stating "signs your husband is cheating". So if a "normal" person is so distraught over a spouse acting weird, they're not going to do any reading on it at all? Sorry, i think if your spouse is leaving the house over night over a question & cheating doesn't pop into your head...major denial.

 

My father didnt buy his copy of the Cheater's Handbook until I was in my 20s.

 

My mother only figured out his affair because she watched an episode of Dr. Phil that talked about the signs of cheating. Thank God she found out the same day I did. That would have monumentally sucked otherwise.

 

Yeah, typically people trust their spouses when they don't come from cheating background. They often think, oh stress or 'what did I do? What can I do to fix this? He/she is really upset and won't talk to me."

 

Check out many of the BS on here that would swear up and down, "no way, I've been with [spouse] for 20 years, they'd NEVER do that." Until they did. And it blindsided them.

 

My husband's cheating completely blindsided me. Slammed me right off the road. 3 weeks after catching my Dad......

 

Nope, we all don't know what's in the "handbook." When I was growing up cheating was something celebrities did. Or totally weird people. Not average "everyday normal" people. The only reason I found out otherwise was because the two men closest to me turned out to be doing that.

[Gigi2015]

Also--even if suspicions are present people usually ask the WS at first. Sadly, many BS never find conclusive proof. There are WS that become masters of deceit. Never late from work, wife has passwords to phone and accounts etc. but--they are cheating doing work hours..."while at a business dinner or meeting", they have a second SIM card, etc. The gasligting keeps the focus off of them and unto the BS. I think ithe discovery process is exactly that: a process. When people have had good and satisfying marriages there is no reason to initially believe it is cheating...after all this person you trust loves and respects you right? The inability to recognize it quickly is not a negative reflection on the BS...so on top of the fact the BS is being lied to , she's also critized of being in denial, naive and even stupid!! WOW!! The other common fallacy is that the marriage was blah or bad...

[Gigi2015]

First of all, what is "normal"? You came from a family of cheating, so even if "normal" people don't know, you'd be one of them that should, since you watched your mother go through it.

 

If you type in to google, why is my husband acting this way...you'll only get over a million sights stating "signs your husband is cheating". So if a "normal" person is so distraught over a spouse acting weird, they're not going to do any reading on it at all? Sorry, i think if your spouse is leaving the house over night over a question & cheating doesn't pop into your head...major denial.

 

 

There is no fool proof list of signs that conclusively proves someone is having an affair! It takes solid proof. Finding an extra SIM card , for instance is proof. To have a secret SIM card means a secret contact is necessary. But--being critical, spending more time at work may be weird , but-- certainly not proof of an affair. Sometimes things may look and certain way but, in the end they're not. Discovery of an affair is a process. People usually start digging...

[Whoknew30]

There is no fool proof list of signs that conclusively proves someone is having an affair! It takes solid proof. Finding an extra SIM card , for instance is proof. To have a secret SIM card means a secret contact is necessary. But--being critical, spending more time at work may be weird , but-- certainly not proof of an affair. Sometimes things may look and certain way but, in the end they're not. Discovery of an affair is a process. People usually start digging...

 

Someone not coming home is a pretty good sign.

[Gigi2015]

My father didnt buy his copy of the Cheater's Handbook until I was in my 20s.

 

My mother only figured out his affair because she watched an episode of Dr. Phil that talked about the signs of cheating. Thank God she found out the same day I did. That would have monumentally sucked otherwise.

 

Yeah, typically people trust their spouses when they don't come from cheating background. They often think, oh stress or 'what did I do? What can I do to fix this? He/she is really upset and won't talk to me."

 

Check out many of the BS on here that would swear up and down, "no way, I've been with [spouse] for 20 years, they'd NEVER do that." Until they did. And it blindsided them.

 

My husband's cheating completely blindsided me. Slammed me right off the road. 3 weeks after catching my Dad......

 

Nope, we all don't know what's in the "handbook." When I was growing up cheating was something celebrities did. Or totally weird people. Not average "everyday normal" people. The only reason I found out otherwise was because the two men closest to me turned out to be doing that.

 

I can't even imagine what you must've felt...your dad and your husband both. How terribly painful! Did you stay in your marriage?

[Gigi2015]

Someone not coming home is a pretty good sign.

 

Not always...that' can simply mean conflict avoidance...But--a P.I. can always come handy.

[Whoknew30]

My father didnt buy his copy of the Cheater's Handbook until I was in my 20s.

 

My mother only figured out his affair because she watched an episode of Dr. Phil that talked about the signs of cheating. Thank God she found out the same day I did. That would have monumentally sucked otherwise.

 

Yeah, typically people trust their spouses when they don't come from cheating background. They often think, oh stress or 'what did I do? What can I do to fix this? He/she is really upset and won't talk to me."

 

Check out many of the BS on here that would swear up and down, "no way, I've been with [spouse] for 20 years, they'd NEVER do that." Until they did. And it blindsided them.

 

My husband's cheating completely blindsided me. Slammed me right off the road. 3 weeks after catching my Dad......

 

Nope, we all don't know what's in the "handbook." When I was growing up cheating was something celebrities did. Or totally weird people. Not average "everyday normal" people. The only reason I found out otherwise was because the two men closest to me turned out to be doing that.[/quote

 

Unless a spouse is having one night stands, while out of town. If you don't see something is off, your not very connected in your marriage to begin with...how many times do you hear, I ignored the signs.

 

Like this mom I spoke to at school. Her husband left her for another woman, she admitted to me that, later after all the anger & sadness she had been completely not connected to him (is no excuse for cheating) every sign was there & she just was oblivious.

 

That quote "my spouse would never" is just not reality & that's my point of denial. If someone is so naive to think their marriage could never go wrong, that's a person that isn't ready for marriage.

[Gigi2015]

My father didnt buy his copy of the Cheater's Handbook until I was in my 20s.

 

My mother only figured out his affair because she watched an episode of Dr. Phil that talked about the signs of cheating. Thank God she found out the same day I did. That would have monumentally sucked otherwise.

 

Yeah, typically people trust their spouses when they don't come from cheating background. They often think, oh stress or 'what did I do? What can I do to fix this? He/she is really upset and won't talk to me."

 

Check out many of the BS on here that would swear up and down, "no way, I've been with [spouse] for 20 years, they'd NEVER do that." Until they did. And it blindsided them.

 

My husband's cheating completely blindsided me. Slammed me right off the road. 3 weeks after catching my Dad......

 

Nope, we all don't know what's in the "handbook." When I was growing up cheating was something celebrities did. Or totally weird people. Not average "everyday normal" people. The only reason I found out otherwise was because the two men closest to me turned out to be doing that.[/quote

 

Unless a spouse is having one night stands, while out of town. If you don't see something is off, your not very connected in your marriage to begin with...how many times do you hear, I ignored the signs.

 

Like this mom I spoke to at school. Her husband left her for another woman, she admitted to me that, later after all the anger & sadness she had been completely not connected to him (is no excuse for cheating) every sign was there & she just was oblivious.

 

That quote "my spouse would never" is just not reality & that's my point of denial. If someone is so naive to think their marriage could never go wrong, that's a person that isn't ready for marriage.

 

Well...it's a different journey for everyone. Some people men/women don't cheat ever. If you're one of these people your less likely to believe your spouse would betray you....particularly when you don't come from a cheating background...would you assume your partner is stealing from you?...Same thing! Particularly if you have a solid history of mutual trust...and yes things can always change and people can lose their way but--that doesn't mean we can't trust people that we have an ongoing trusting relationship with...I'm not a person to live for negativity.

[BettyDraper]

What the OP can do is not be an enabler but set an example. The OP can say to the brother that his behavior is abhorrent and insist that he changes or he's going to lose a family member over it. And it'll be the OP's brother's problem to explain it. But I'd encourage the OP to refuse to be a party to the deception any longer and to explain why.

 

This. If I knew my brother was cheating, I wouldn't tell his girlfriend but I would give my brother a piece of my mind. I would also limit my contact with my brother.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can't even imagine what you must've felt...your dad and your husband both. How terribly painful! Did you stay in your marriage?

 

Yes, I did.

 

It took years ofbwirk and confrontation that I wasn't going to 'just get over it' without him owning his crap.

 

After I gave up, he tune changed. It's much better now.

[Gigi2015]

Yes, I did.

 

It took years ofbwirk and confrontation that I wasn't going to 'just get over it' without him owning his crap.

 

After I gave up, he tune changed. It's much better now.

 

I'm glad it worked out. Hes a lucky guy! I hope he cherishes you. I know it's a fallacy to think that once a cheater...always one. But-- I also know many marriages are strengthened from a fall. Glad yours was one of them.

[dreamingoftigers]

My father didnt buy his copy of the Cheater's Handbook until I was in my 20s.

 

My mother only figured out his affair because she watched an episode of Dr. Phil that talked about the signs of cheating. Thank God she found out the same day I did. That would have monumentally sucked otherwise.

 

Yeah, typically people trust their spouses when they don't come from cheating background. They often think, oh stress or 'what did I do? What can I do to fix this? He/she is really upset and won't talk to me."

 

Check out many of the BS on here that would swear up and down, "no way, I've been with [spouse] for 20 years, they'd NEVER do that." Until they did. And it blindsided them.

 

My husband's cheating completely blindsided me. Slammed me right off the road. 3 weeks after catching my Dad......

 

Nope, we all don't know what's in the "handbook." When I was growing up cheating was something celebrities did. Or totally weird people. Not average "everyday normal" people. The only reason I found out otherwise was because the two men closest to me turned out to be doing that.

 

Unless a spouse is having one night stands, while out of town. If you don't see something is off, your not very connected in your marriage to begin with...how many times do you hear, I ignored the signs.

 

Honestly, this really sounds like when some men in the Middle East kill their sisters after they get raped saying "well she must have gotten in the car with a strange man. So that means she was asking for it." (Saw it on 20/20 years ago) So two INCREDIBLY POOR assumptions again go back to blaming the victim.

 

I DIDN'T ignore the signs. There weren't any. My husband found his opportunities and fit them in with daily errands for Chrissakes. And, yes, we were connected very well. Had been for years. In fact when it came to light, it really hit him hard because he didn't have the usual standbys to reach for of us being 'in turmoil' or 'me being inadequate' etc. He pretty much figured "it's a guy thing" at the time. That was not an attitude I found reflected from him for the YEARS prior to or during our marriage. He figured as long as he kept in 'under wraps' and I 'didn't find out' that it was a pretty typical thing. Well, that didn't work for me and I made moves to leave.

 

He pushed me not to leave, we agreed to counseling, things went from there. Luckily he had other healthy men that he started to gain guidance from. And began more reading about relationships and trust. Plus we had AN INFANT at the time. That was very tough.

 

In fact, how DARE YOU suggest it was my own inadequacy or commitment to the relationship because my spouse exhibited a SCREWED-UP set of behaviours.

Your husband cheated too! While you were cheating on him! As if you get to judge the victims of infidelity.

 

The one point you get here is that, yes, he set up out of town flings during his travels. That's actually why he got caught.

 

Like this mom I spoke to at school. Her husband left her for another woman, she admitted to me that, later after all the anger & sadness she had been completely not connected to him (is no excuse for cheating) every sign was there & she just was oblivious.

 

Well, that certainly means that it exists with everyone, or even a majority.

 

That quote "my spouse would never" is just not reality & that's my point of denial. If someone is so naive to think their marriage could never go wrong, that's a person that isn't ready for marriage.

 

Maybe the person that cheats isn't "ready for marriage." Not the person trusting them not to.

 

I would definitely say that someone ready to step outside their marriage in any instance, instead of behaving like an adult, should not marry because CLEARLY they have incredibly poor coping skills.

[Whoknew30]

 

Well...it's a different journey for everyone. Some people men/women don't cheat ever. If you're one of these people your less likely to believe your spouse would betray you....particularly when you don't come from a cheating background...would you assume your partner is stealing from you?...Same thing! Particularly if you have a solid history of mutual trust...and yes things can always change and people can lose their way but--that doesn't mean we can't trust people that we have an ongoing trusting relationship with...I'm not a person to live for negativity.

 

It's not negative to live in reality. If you're getting married in the last 10 years (in this country) then you know 50% of marriages end in divorce...so hoping that your marriage never ends in that statistic is one thing, thinking it could never happen to us is naive. See the difference?

 

If 20 people fall off a bridge out of 40, I bet you wouldn't walk down that same bridge thinking it could never happen to you. It would be naive to think that right? Same logic.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

It's not negative to live in reality. If you're getting married in the last 10 years (in this country) then you know 50% of marriages end in divorce...so hoping that your marriage never ends in that statistic is one thing, thinking it could never happen to us is naive. See the difference?

 

If 20 people fall off a bridge out of 40, I bet you wouldn't walk down that same bridge thinking it could never happen to you. It would be naive to think that right? Same logic.

 

My country's divorce rate is lower and has been dropping steadily since the 80s.

 

Furthermore, most people getting married think they have screened these factors out.

 

For instance, my mother though she was safe because she had talked so many times with my Dad about, 'if there's ever these issues...... " etc. But when push came to shove, he was off banging a mistress. Frankly, I never thought my husband would do anything hakf as douchey as my father. They seemed to have no attitudes or personality traits in common.

 

But when it came out, it was pretty disgusting and it took a very long time before I could see him as anything but 'tainted.' Very few people ever expect that to happen to them. Nor did I look up cheating stats until after it happened to me.

 

Just like I don't know how many people (percentage-wise) die in car accidents every year. I know that it happens. I know its on the news, but do I know my ACTUAL daily percentage rate or yearly percentage chance of winning up in a fatal accident? No clue actually. It could be 0.00005% or 5%.

 

But I get to in my car everyday thinking I'll make it to work and back. Part of it is based on the experience that I'll make it back home because I HAVE every other day.

[Whoknew30]

 

 

 

Honestly, this really sounds like when some men in the Middle East kill their sisters after they get raped saying "well she must have gotten in the car with a strange man. So that means she was asking for it." (Saw it on 20/20 years ago) So two INCREDIBLY POOR assumptions again go back to blaming the victim.

 

I DIDN'T ignore the signs. There weren't any. My husband found his opportunities and fit them in with daily errands for Chrissakes. And, yes, we were connected very well. Had been for years. In fact when it came to light, it really hit him hard because he didn't have the usual standbys to reach for of us being 'in turmoil' or 'me being inadequate' etc. He pretty much figured "it's a guy thing" at the time. That was not an attitude I found reflected from him for the YEARS prior to or during our marriage. He figured as long as he kept in 'under wraps' and I 'didn't find out' that it was a pretty typical thing. Well, that didn't work for me and I made moves to leave.

 

He pushed me not to leave, we agreed to counseling, things went from there. Luckily he had other healthy men that he started to gain guidance from. And began more reading about relationships and trust. Plus we had AN INFANT at the time. That was very tough.

 

In fact, how DARE YOU suggest it was my own inadequacy or commitment to the relationship because my spouse exhibited a SCREWED-UP set of behaviours.

Your husband cheated too! While you were cheating on him! As if you get to judge the victims of infidelity.

 

The one point you get here is that, yes, he set up out of town flings during his travels. That's actually why he got caught.

 

 

 

Well, that certainly means that it exists with everyone, or even a majority.

 

 

 

Maybe the person that cheats isn't "ready for marriage." Not the person trusting them not to.

 

I would definitely say that someone ready to step outside their marriage in any instance, instead of behaving like an adult, should not marry because CLEARLY they have incredibly poor coping skills.

 

 

Once again it's about living in reality. I really don't even understand your analogy about the Middle East. When did I ever say it was the BS fault they were cheated on, never said that. I'm saying it's just naive to see something isn't right & A never entered your mind.

 

Can you stop adding words to what I say. I never blamed the person for being cheated on or said that it's their fault...not once. The cheater isn't ready for marriage either.

 

You're allowing your emotions to run your comprehensive reading. If you reread what I've wrote, never did I put the blame on BS. Not once.

[Gigi2015]

Some people are about a glass half -empty and other about a half-full. I think the half-full people enjoy the glass more...there's always negativity to zone in on...life is too short. If your life is producing the desired results you hope for the you're successful...no point in getting lost in the details. And dream of tigers you are perhaps one of the most insightful people I've ever come across. Congrats on your sucessss!

Edited February 4, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Whoknew30]

 

My country's divorce rate is lower and has been dropping steadily since the 80s.

 

Furthermore, most people getting married think they have screened these factors out.

 

For instance, my mother though she was safe because she had talked so many times with my Dad about, 'if there's ever these issues...... " etc. But when push came to shove, he was off banging a mistress. Frankly, I never thought my husband would do anything hakf as douchey as my father. They seemed to have no attitudes or personality traits in common.

 

But when it came out, it was pretty disgusting and it took a very long time before I could see him as anything but 'tainted.' Very few people ever expect that to happen to them. Nor did I look up cheating stats until after it happened to me.

 

Just like I don't know how many people (percentage-wise) die in car accidents every year. I know that it happens. I know its on the news, but do I know my ACTUAL daily percentage rate or yearly percentage chance of winning up in a fatal accident? No clue actually. It could be 0.00005% or 5%.

 

But I get to in my car everyday thinking I'll make it to work and back. Part of it is based on the experience that I'll make it back home because I HAVE every other day.

 

 

See, extremely naive in my opinion to think you'll never get in a car accident. Do I live my life on eggshells over it, no but very aware I don't know what the future holds & am not naive enough to think nothing ever bad is going to happen to me in any aspect of life.

 

That's why one kisses the people they love when leaving the house bc you never know when the last time you'll see someone.

 

You have two siblings with Autism & you didn't learn from that, you don't know what the future holds & some things aren't perfect. My oldest child has learned that lesson as a teen from watching her younger sibling with Autism.

[Whoknew30]

Some people are about a glass half -empty and other about a half-full. I think the half-full people enjoy the glass more...there's always negativity to zone in on...life is too short. If your life is producing the desired results you hope for the you're successful...no point in getting lost in the details. And dream of tigers you are perhaps one of the most insightful people I've ever come across. Congrats on your sucessss!

 

There's half full, half empty & then there is me...just straight half. Isn't half full or empty, it's in the middle. You don't have to be negative to be logical & street/life smart. In fact it helps when you have problems bc you're not thrown off your game like people that think "nothing bad can ever happen to me". Have you ever seen someone like that handle a problem...it's ugly bc they haven't emotionally prepared themselves for anything to go wrong & truly can't handle a problem.

 

I like reality , nothing more, nothing less. I don't want down version or happy version, I want the real version.

[Whoknew30]

This. If I knew my brother was cheating, I wouldn't tell his girlfriend but I would give my brother a piece of my mind. I would also limit my contact with my brother.

 

This is really harder than it sounds when you have a extremely close family.