Smoking weed in dating

[xxoo]

Let's back up:

 

You don't have a big problem with her smoking. You had a problem because she scheduled time with you AFTER time with her friends, and planned to smoke with them. You had a problem because she would still be high when spending time with you.

 

Is the problem seeing her baked this one time, or is the problem getting enough sober quality time with her? Maybe you could just skip hanging out with her that time if it bothers you that much. But for sure, assert that you need sober time with her to feel that you are getting quality time with her.

 

Assert what you need: sober quality time with her. Ask for her ideas in making that happen schedule-wise. Don't expect her to accept your suggested solution as the best solution. That makes people feel controlled. Asking for her ideas makes us feel empowered, and leads to better conflict resolution.

[GemmaUK]

Personally I wouldn't date a weed smoker but instead of asking her to restrict you could stop seeing her with her friends?

 

How any of that would work out long term is um..who knows.

[rester]

Assert what you need: sober quality time with her. Ask for her ideas in making that happen schedule-wise. Don't expect her to accept your suggested solution as the best solution. That makes people feel controlled. Asking for her ideas makes us feel empowered, and leads to better conflict resolution.

 

Great advice for all sorts of situations.

[RecentChange]

I haven't read beyond the first page.... But just gonna say.

 

I was a weed smoker when I met my BF, had been for many years. He was very "straight" no drugs (some drinking).

 

I knew he didnt approve of smoking, and I was head over heels for him.... opted to quit, and didn't touch the stuff for YEARS.

 

A trip to the Netherlands changed his mind on weed, and we both smoke on occasion now....

 

But I don't know, you can't ask her to change, but people CAN change, especially for someone they Love.

[SpiralOut]

Yes I've had problems in the past. This isn't something you can ignore. What happens if it becomes more serious and you move in together? You'll see each other every day, and her pot smoking will be more apparent.

 

That's fine if it's a deal breaker for you. It's not fair for you to ask her to change, and it's not fair for you to deal with a stoned person...It's a big lifestyle difference. In my experience it doesn't work. Maybe if you're lucky she will decide by herself to cut back or quit.

[thecrucible]

I agree with what's been said here. I would just say to be matter of fact and say you'll see her on a sober night and "just have fun with your friends", you know that sort of thing. Hopefully the amount of quality time you can spend together is something you can agree on.

 

Also I think some people here made a good point about thinking about how it would affect you in the future and whether your differing lifestyle choices would work if you're living together.

 

Myself, personally I'm not anti-drug per se but cannabis is illegal here so I would hesitate to be involved with someone who did use it as anyone who does around here is usually slightly sketchy. It's the kind of thing that gets passed around the odd crazy party and is a bit taboo. I think casual use at the odd party is a lot different to using it regularly. I've had one puff at a party a couple of years ago and that was that. I actually told a guy I did that and he was judging me severely so some have a strict attitude about it around here.

[wb1988]

Myself, personally I'm not anti-drug per se but cannabis is illegal here so I would hesitate to be involved with someone who did use it as anyone who does around here is usually slightly sketchy. It's the kind of thing that gets passed around the odd crazy party and is a bit taboo. I think casual use at the odd party is a lot different to using it regularly. I've had one puff at a party a couple of years ago and that was that. I actually told a guy I did that and he was judging me severely so some have a strict attitude about it around here.

I don't think the legality is the real issue; alcohol is legal but people will judge if you drink every morning.

 

OP remember that you will never know if what you're experiencing with that person is genuine, the good memories you have will always have a cloud of mystery over whether she would be the same if she wasn't high or wasn't thinking about getting high. For all you know she could be a very different person altogether.

 

I personally very pro-choice (all drugs should be legalised) but at the same time if you have even a slight problem with dating someone that does it then you really shouldn't be dating that person.

Edited January 22, 2016 by wb1988

[marigo]

Hi FF,

 

My boyfriend smokes weed but doesn't drink at all. I on the other hand have never smoked weed, cigarettes, nothing. I do drink but rarely. He told me shortly after we started dating that he smokes weed and if it bothers me. I said to him that I never judge people who smokes, he had a life before me and I dont want him to change that just because I came along. I told him also, of course if I see that its not healthy anymore (as in too addicted and dependent on it) then we will have a problem. He's made it clear to me as well when it comes to a point when I am really bothered by it, then of course he will stop and he wants me to know that I am worth that.

 

So far, he's been very responsible, he goes to work everyday, we spend a lot of quality time together, and i wouldnt say hes dependent on it for sleeping since I dont really see him smoke before we go to bed. So I think the biggest thing here is compromise. He knows I am not a big fan of it, so when he smokes he does it to a certain extent but is still there present and can spend quality time together. I havent read every post, but have you talked to your gf about what you posted here exactly? That on those days where she hangs out with you and your friends to maybe not smoke as much? If so, how did she react?

 

You two need to meet halfway if you want it to work. You don't smoke but she does. You can't change her (not saying you're trying to.) But you can't force yourself either if you can never fully accept that this will always be part of her lifestyle. So either you try to talk to her to compromise or see if this continues if this is something you can live by.

Edited January 22, 2016 by marigo

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, I really felt so much compassion for you as I reviewed your post. Though I have not had a problem with weed, a very similar situation happened to me except the drug was Xstacy and it actually ended a very tumultuous relationship.

 

It seems as though you have two different girlfriends: the one you fell in love with and the one who is using. I can only imagine how this feels. Have you ever thought about talking to other people who are going through similar situations to yours? What do you think of Al-Anon as it is not just for loved ones of alcoholics? Also, what do you want with the future of this relationship? Do you envision getting married and having children? How do you think her using will affect and potential plans?

Once again, I really feel bad that you are in this situation. Kevin

[Hopeful30]

Nope. I'm a huge toker and that's never a problem. I've never dated a man who smokes though, now that I think about it. None of my exes had problems with my smoking. I'm responsible and I have my sh*t together, a joint every now and then is well deserved

[katiegrl]

Nope. I'm a huge toker and that's never a problem. I've never dated a man who smokes though, now that I think about it. None of my exes had problems with my smoking. I'm responsible and I have my sh*t together, a joint every now and then is well deserved

 

I believe in FF's situation, we're talking more than a "few joints every now and then." She smokes 3-4 times per week, sometimes more, with her friends, becoming so zonked out, when she sees FF afterwards, all she wants to do is crash on the couch.

 

He has stated many times throughout this thread he has NO issues with her smoking.

 

He only asked that, on one of the nights she was spending with him, she make an exception on THAT particular night, so she would not be zonked out when she saw him. Apparently, she flipped and started an argument with him about it.

 

All he was asking for was a little quality time together on that ONE night.

I see nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

 

She's being a brat IMO.

[introverted1]

I think that, at the point you are asking a partner to make lifestyle changes, you have likely uncovered a major incompatibility. This is true regardless whether it's pot, alcohol, veganism, working out, church attendance, or whatever.

 

What's minor to one partner likely isn't to the other -- I can easily and alternately see both FF's side and his gf's side in this issue, for instance. Neither is wrong, they are just different.

 

Also, as several have mentioned, if the relationship progresses they'll be spending more time together, not less, so the difference in lifestyle will become even more pronounced.

[Kuchi2]

Hi FF,

 

My boyfriend smokes weed but doesn't drink at all. I on the other hand have never smoked weed, cigarettes, nothing. I do drink but rarely. He told me shortly after we started dating that he smokes weed and if it bothers me. I said to him that I never judge people who smokes, he had a life before me and I dont want him to change that just because I came along. I told him also, of course if I see that its not healthy anymore (as in too addicted and dependent on it) then we will have a problem. He's made it clear to me as well when it comes to a point when I am really bothered by it, then of course he will stop and he wants me to know that I am worth that.

 

So far, he's been very responsible, he goes to work everyday, we spend a lot of quality time together, and i wouldnt say hes dependent on it for sleeping since I dont really see him smoke before we go to bed. So I think the biggest thing here is compromise. He knows I am not a big fan of it, so when he smokes he does it to a certain extent but is still there present and can spend quality time together. I havent read every post, but have you talked to your gf about what you posted here exactly? That on those days where she hangs out with you and your friends to maybe not smoke as much? If so, how did she react?

 

You two need to meet halfway if you want it to work. You don't smoke but she does. You can't change her (not saying you're trying to.) But you can't force yourself either if you can never fully accept that this will always be part of her lifestyle. So either you try to talk to her to compromise or see if this continues if this is something you can live by.

 

This is exactly my compromise level with the boyfriend. I don't drink or smoke though. Smoking was a dealbreaker, but he has shown me he's not dependent at all. I told him I wasn't trying to change him, but I also don't like it. I haven't even seen him smoke yet. Haven't smelled it on him or inside his house. His cousins goes out to smoke, he doesn't go with them. He told me that he will never disrespect me and smoke in front of me when he knows I don't like it. He wanted to come to an agreement about his smoking because he said he doesn't want to lose me.

 

Major thing is, compromise! If it wasn't for us talking about it and working out a middle ground, it wouldn't work.

[katiegrl]

I think that, at the point you are asking a partner to make lifestyle changes, you have likely uncovered a major incompatibility. This is true regardless whether it's pot, alcohol, veganism, working out, church attendance, or whatever.

 

What's minor to one partner likely isn't to the other -- I can easily and alternately see both FF's side and his gf's side in this issue, for instance. Neither is wrong, they are just different.

 

Also, as several have mentioned, if the relationship progresses they'll be spending more time together, not less, so the difference in lifestyle will become even more pronounced.

 

Is he really asking her to make a lifestyle change though? Again, he has said he has NO issue with her smoking weed (in general). It was ONE night he asked her not to.

 

Flip it around? What if your boyfriend went out drinking with his friends after work 3-4 times every week, and afterwards, on his date with YOU, was so schnockered all he wanted to do was crash on the couch.

 

And ONE time you asked him to please not drink that night.... so he and you could have some quality time together.....without him passing out on the couch.

 

And in response, he started an argument with you!

 

I don't know about you, but for me that would be a huge red flag.....and would indicate a much more serious problem, both with his drinking AND in our relationship.

 

There is no compromise coming from her. She wants it HER way, that is clear.

 

And I don't think that's right or fair.

Edited January 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[introverted1]

Flip it around? What if your boyfriend went out drinking with his friends after work 3-4 times every week, and afterwards, on his date with YOU, was so schnockered all he wanted to do was crash on the couch.

 

I would hate it. But I probably wouldn't be dating that guy because I would not be compatible with someone who got schnockered 3-4 times a week.

 

And ONE time you asked him to please not drink that night.... so he and you could have some quality time together.....without him passing out on the couch.

 

This goes to what I was originally saying -- if I have to ask for this sort of behavior modification, then odds are we are not well suited to each other. I mean, why doesn't he want quality time as much as I do?

 

Don't get me wrong -- I think it's fine for FF to ask and I even think she could step up and agree. But I think the fact that he has to ask already points to some larger incompatibility.

[Gaeta]

Don't get me wrong -- I think it's fine for FF to ask and I even think she could step up and agree. But I think the fact that he has to ask already points to some larger incompatibility.

 

I agree with this part, and FF knows it, and that's why he's staying away from this tread.

 

By the way, hanging out with friends 3-4 times a week when you're 20 ok but this woman must be mid-30s. Has her own company I'm reading. I don't know anyone in their mid-30s devoting 3-4 evenings a week to their friends. Maybe FF is dating a 22 year old?

[losangelena]

I agree with this part, and FF knows it, and that's why he's staying away from this tread.

 

By the way, hanging out with friends 3-4 times a week when you're 20 ok but this woman must be mid-30s. Has her own company I'm reading. I don't know anyone in their mid-30s devoting 3-4 evenings a week to their friends. Maybe FF is dating a 22 year old?

 

Not to poo all over poor FF, but I agree with the bolded. He's been awfully quiet on his own thread, probably because he's not getting the kind of feedback he wants to hear. It sucks!

[katiegrl]

I would hate it. But I probably wouldn't be dating that guy because I would not be compatible with someone who got schnockered 3-4 times a week.

 

 

 

This goes to what I was originally saying -- if I have to ask for this sort of behavior modification, then odds are we are not well suited to each other. I mean, why doesn't he want quality time as much as I do?

 

Don't get me wrong -- I think it's fine for FF to ask and I even think she could step up and agree. But I think the fact that he has to ask already points to some larger incompatibility.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you about that... I think I even said it earlier in the thread....that I think there is more to this than her smoking pot and him asking her to nip it for one night.

 

Her getting annoyed at him and starting an argument about it indicates a much larger problem....whether it's just incompatibility or her feeling like he's attempting to control and dominate (and not about just this one thing)...and she's sick of it.

[road]

Am I the only one seeing his side here?

 

He's not asking her to change....he's asking her to compromise.

 

He's not asking her to STOP smoking....he asked ONCE if she could not smoke with her friends that night, so that when she got home, they could have some quality time together.... instead of her zonking out on the couch.

 

 

That makes it sound as if the OP is trying to be fair. Though after thinking it through she is a potaholic. Just as some people are addicted to drinking she is addicted to smoking pot.

 

 

She can not put down the blunt when asked to just the way a drunk can not drink when asked to.

 

 

OP, dump her, tell her she is and addict. When she is ready to clean up then call you.

[Grewd]

Am I the only one seeing his side here?

 

He's not asking her to change....he's asking her to compromise.

 

He's not asking her to STOP smoking....he asked ONCE if she could not smoke with her friends that night, so that when she got home, they could have some quality time together.... instead of her zonking out on the couch.

A bit late to respond, but what's the difference between changing and compromising? I don't see it, she still has to do something different than what she has done previously and that is the definition of changing. It doesn't change the fact to sugar coat it with pretty words like "compromise".

 

My advice is solid, he can ask her. If she won't compromise/change he has to either accept or reject.

 

[] Why do people make threads instead of conversing with their partner if it isn't because they can't [] talk to the person they supposedly love and trust?

Edited January 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[jen1447]

[] Why do people make threads instead of conversing with their partner if it isn't because they can't [] talk to the person they supposedly love and trust?

 

In FF's case, probably bc he already tried that w/her and didn't get the response he wanted.

[carhill]

OP, in that vein, presuming your male friends know your girlfriend, what has been their response when the issue you brought up here was brought up with them? Or, do you not ask such questions of friends? I trust, if they've had contact with your girlfriend, they know she uses MJ and/or have seen her 'baked'. Some anonymous strangers have offered their opinions. How does that mesh with your friends?

[fitnessfan365]

I agree with this part, and FF knows it, and that's why he's staying away from this tread. ?

 

Haha..Well my time is a lot more limited than it used to be. As people have probably noticed, my time on the site is down considerably in general. I am in a long term relationship, training independent clients starting early mornings (6am on), plus back to working in a gym as a staff trainer nights (5-11pm). Burning the candle at both ends in a physically demanding job as well as my own workouts 4-6 days per week is physically demanding. So to be honest, when I do get free time for myself I am catching up on sleep or doing other things to relax. Coming on the forums really isn't a high priority for me anymore.

 

Also, it doesn't do any good to come on and repeat myself over and over and over. You can only say the same thing so many times. So thankfully Katie has repeatedly pointed out that :

 

1) I am not asking her to change or to stop smoking

 

2) That I'm only asking for better timing/planning when it comes to her smoking and when we get together.

 

I'm not sure how that equals an "incompatibility" issue. But that's just me.

Edited January 23, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

Haha..Well my time is a lot more limited than it used to be. As people have probably noticed, my time on the site is down considerably in general. Not only am I training independent clients early mornings (6am on), but I'm also back to training clients at night in a gym(5-11pm). Plus,I am working out six days a week, and in a long term relationship as well, So to be honest, coming on the forums really isn't a huge priority.

 

Also, it doesn't do any good to come on and repeat myself over and over and over. You can only say the same thing so many times. So thankfully Katie has repeatedly pointed out that :

 

1) I am not asking her to change or to stop smoking

 

2) That I'm only asking for better timing/planning when it comes to her smoking and when we get together.

 

I'm not sure how that equals an "incompatibility" issue. But that's just me.

 

I think the incompatability comes into play when you offer a healthy compromise (which you did and only for one night no less) and she gets pissed off and starts an argument.

 

How is this healthy? Is this not a red flag to you in and of itself?

 

Have you become ...... shudders .... a co-dependent?

 

You might call the shots in bedroom, but it sounds like she calls the shots outside the bedroom.

 

That is how it appears to me anyway.... if I am wrong I apologize in advance.

[fitnessfan365]

I think the incompatability comes into play when you offer a healthy compromise (which you did and only for one night no less) and she gets pissed off and starts an argument.

 

How is this healthy? Is this not a red flag to you in and of itself?

 

Have you become ...... shudders .... a co-dependent?

 

You might call the shots in bedroom, but it sounds like she calls the shots outside the bedroom.

 

That is how it appears to me anyway.... if I am wrong I apologize in advance.

 

Haha.. Yes you are seriously wrong in that case.

 

But in general, people aren't always going to agree 100% of the time. So disagreements do happen in relationships. This doesn't automatically equal a red flag or lack of compatibility IMO. A red flag for me would be the inability to communicate and resolve things quickly. My GF and I don't always agree, but we always talk about it and put it behind us.

 

In terms of major arguments - There was the one time when we were in Chicago when she fell and didn't want me to help her up. She had just broken her ankle and was in a state of shock more than anything else. Then this time around which I mentioned here. It's her time of the month and we had just finished a really brutal hour workout on the track. So exhaustion and hormones = a shorter fuse. But a few hours later she called me to apologize, we had a good conversation about it, and now it's settled. There's honestly been 10x more drama people have been trying to stir in the thread..LOL