Smoking weed in dating

[Mrin]

I'm from Colorado so I have a slightly different view on it. I see it the same as alcohol use. I don't use pot that often but I do like to wind down with a beer or a bourbon. Sometimes three. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who didn't also imbibe now and then. It would be tough. I'm with Smackie on this. I for sure couldn't be in a relationship if the woman told me to not have cocktail or glass of wine around her or in proximity to seeing her.

 

So it is like that.

 

Now - one thing that a lot of non pot users miss is that you don't have to get college baked every time you use the stuff. You can use it in such moderation it is like having a beer after work. Especially if you vape and can get your hands on some low THC stuff.

 

But it sounds like she likes to get baked. That's the equivalent of getting drunk in my book. Once in while? Sure. Every night? No thanks.

[rester]

If someone routinely gets plastered 3-4 times a week, is it reasonable to expect them to not drink on the days they see you? Is it reasonable to expect that they would never push back and say no? Ditto for a cigarette smoker.

 

To me, if you're dating someone, you accept them as they are...or you move on because you can't. Yes, as presented in this instance, it's just this once...oops, actually it's been just every time you're scheduled to see me. Bottom line: the issue is that you don't like the effects of her lifestyle choice when she's with you. At some point, as the relationship develops, you will spend every day together. Either you can accept that she will be stoned some of the time she's with you or you can't. Ultimately, this isn't a one-time request. This is something that will be an ongoing negotiation/area of disagreement, at least until she decides to stop smoking regularly.

 

Accept her as is, or don't. Only you can decide whether you can. But stop trying to change her with these sequential requests.

 

I mostly agree with this, but I also know A LOT of people in relationships that have curtailed their drinking and smoking (both weed and cigarettes) for the betterment of their relationships and out of respect and love for their partner. Sure, they mostly did it for themselves, but a partner could be the catalyst for breaking bad habits.

 

I also agree that the OP can either accept that his girlfriend comes home high, or not accept it and break up her, but I also think there is a middle ground and a discussion about it shouldn't cause fights. That to me would be more of a red flag than her getting high a few times a week.

[loveweary11]

If you're a weed hater, you're a weed hater. This whole idea of comparing it to something as dangerous or addictive as alcohol is utter garbage. Saying things like it makes people dull or unable to express their self is non-sense. If anyone really believes that, I want you take every music album, every movie, your iPhone and iPad, etc and throw them away because nearly all of them were designed by potheads. In fact, get off the Internet completely because a huge portion of computer scientists smoke marijuana.

 

 

I'm not a weed hater. In fact, I'll smoke a few times a month when it comes around my

way and even pitch in here and there buying some for groups of friends if I'm smoking with them. (the highest quality medical grade strains only)

 

However, to say it's not addictive is utter nonsense.

 

I know several people completely strung out on weed. More than I know alcoholics. If you can't live without it for week, or you go nuts trying, you're an addict. Period. Same goes for any drug or even endorphins created by exercise.

 

A couple of weed addicts I know can't make it 24 hours and can't sleep without it either.

 

 

Fitness Fan, you're dating a weed addict. There is no changing her or her habits unless *she* decides to quit or reduce smoking.

 

If you're a complete health nut, someone at the gym might be a better match. Sad to say, you can't do anything about her addiction.

[jen1447]

I also agree that the OP can either accept that his girlfriend comes home high, or not accept it and break up her, but I also think there is a middle ground and a discussion about it shouldn't cause fights. That to me would be more of a red flag than her getting high a few times a week.

 

What tends to make this 'unfair' tho, so to speak, is that it's highly unlikely FF was unaware of this behavior on her part in the early stages of the relationship. So IMO some discretion should have been applied then - evaluate whether she can change, whether you want her to, and whether or not you can live w/it if she doesn't - rather than try to enforce conditions long after the fact. If this were sth minor then ok, not such a big deal, but like was said already, weed use is really a lifestyle for some.

 

The drug use angle aside, it's kinda like me moving in w/someone and getting all our joint finances et al set up and then telling them oh by the way - we have to go to bed every night at 9 bc it's always been hard for me to get enough rest when you stay up watching Kimmel.

 

Also no offense but FF has a long and proud track record of bullheadedness so there's more to this story than just the deets set out here. Hell I wouldn't take it well if he tried to tell me I should drink less coffee.

[Httm]

Uh gross... Her time with her friends she spend smoking pot?? 3-4 times!! A week... Hope she's under 22 or so. Sounds to me like very irresponsible behavior bordering with addiction

 

Do you think differently if someone drinks the same amount of times?

[No_Go]

No, I'd be equally creeped out if a person goes out 3-4 times a week to get drunk with friends. Alcohol, weed etc addictive substances for me personally are a deal breaker if used regularly

 

Do you think differently if someone drinks the same amount of times?

[Kuchi2]

I generally dont care what people do on their own time and their lives, only up to the point where it affects me and mine. So I don't date people that smoke (even if its weed or hooka), do drugs or drink (only if its rare on social occasions). The guy who I'm dating told me after we became official that he occasionally smokes weed to help him sleep. He has trouble sleeping and gets migraines that even prescribed medication won't take it away.

 

At first I thought of breaking up with him cuz smoking is a deal breaker for me. But I gave him a chance and we discussed it and he has compromised. The difference between your gf and my bf is that mine doesn't NEED it. He only did it on nights that he couldn't sleep or had a migraine. I have NEVER seen him smoke nor smelled it on him or his house. He wont smoke around me or if I stay over, he wont do it. If he's with family or friends and they invite him to go outside to smoke some, and I'm with him, he wont go. He even switched the smoking weed to a chocolate edible weed.

 

So, like some have mentioned, you and her have to compromise and see if you're even compatible. If she likes her weed alot to a point she won't limit herself, and you dont like weed and you don't like her high, and there's no middle ground, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship. This might be jovial now, but imagine later when you keep arguing about the same thing every day.

[katiegrl]

In reading ff's initial post again ..... I noticed he said when she's *baked* she's a drag. Lethargic, no fun...crashes on the couch.

 

So is this really about lifestyle choice? It does not appear that way to me, since he doesn't mind her smoking weed when they're not together.

 

Or, ff, are you simply bugged because she's not giving you enough attention on those nights?

 

What if she had a bad day, felt stressed or god forbid fell into a minor depression for whatever reason?

 

And came home and wanted to crash?

 

She wouldn't be any fun on those nights either.

 

How would you feel then?

 

Men often complain feeling like they always have to be *on*. And entertain their girlfriends or women they're dating.

 

But isn't that what you're doing? Complaining cuz she's not * on* ... and "a drag" on the nights she's out with her friends after a long busy day?

 

I do still think a little compromise is in order, but now I am wondering what the REAL issue is.

 

The fact she smokes pot and comes home high ...., OR that she doesn't give you her undivided attention on those nights. And is no fun and a drag.

Edited January 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[venusishername]

I think what it boils down to is whether or not you are ok with it. It doesn't sound like you are, despite what you have in common, etc.

 

 

I personally would not tolerate it. I've had my experiences with weed in the past, half my friends in my adult life have been serious potheads... but I know myself and I would never be ok being in a relationship with someone who needed to get high most days of the week. My vice has been alcohol, and I would drink a couple times a week in the past. I used to be ok with dating someone who liked to drink because hey, it was fun! The problem is when it exceeds the point of what's comfortable for you. I ended up with two alcoholics :/

 

At this point in my life, I would end a relationship if my partner smoked weed regularly. In fact, I would probably not date someone if I knew he even sporadically smoked. It's the idea of addiction that is a turn off to me.

 

 

I have nothing against smoking weed. Like I said many of my friends have been serious potheads. I just know that I wouldn't be able to put up with it. I know how it affects my friends who smoke on a regular basis. I don't have the patience for that. It makes you lazy, I'm sorry but it's true. Maybe it makes some people focus more or for longer periods of time, but I know as well as anyone it makes the majority of people lazy, lethargic, unmotivated, foggy, antisocial, and glued to the couch. I'm not saying they are always like that. It's most of the time revolved around the smoking. I know people who smoke all day long, so I can speak from this experience. I've never known a person who smokes weed regularly to be a go-getter and highly motivated. Also, addiction or excessive use of any substance is a deal breaker and huge turn off in my opinion. I think occasional, rare use is forgivable, or occasional drinking in moderation. But any regular habit is no good.

Edited January 21, 2016 by venusishername

[LoveRefreshed]

Didn't read all the replies, but man- you knew she blazed. Stop trying to change her now. Accept her this way or leave her. I feel like you guys will be differing on this forever. Especially if you're decidedly antidrug, I can't see this working out for you.

 

If you're okay with drinking, then you really need to do some self reflection and try to pin point what your problem with marijuana is. In my experience, most people are anti-drug because it's a drug and drugs are bad. Drug addicts are lazy and worthless and dumb. Meh. Marijuana is undeniably safer in terms of addiction and health risks than alcohol, so I think people who drink and hate pot are ignorant.

 

With that being said, I can see why it bothers you, but again, you have made that decision. I think too often people want to choose this route than the other route. They want their partner to change to accommodate them. If I were you, when she gets stoned and you're bored, then leave. Go do something else and don't spend that time with her.

 

Eventually, she'll crave your time more than the weed and then she'll choose to not smoke to have you around.

[kendahke]

If her being lethargic is the issue, then perhaps she should get the kind of pot that makes one industrious as opposed to lethargic.

 

If she said to FF "you spend too much time working out and I don't like you coming to me after working out, all tired and sweaty. I'd rather you stayed home (on the days you're at the gym or training someone) or did something with me", would you give up working out to please her?

 

This is incompatibility because this is a lifestyle issue. Her friends are people who do the same. I think it was completely unwise for her to agree to be in a relationship with someone who isn't in that lifestyle because inevitably, friction is going to develop as one tries to lure the other over to their lifestyle choices and the other resists. FF, can you accept her as she is without her making any changes in who she is? If not, then you need to set her adrift and find a straight edge.

Edited January 21, 2016 by kendahke

[losangelena]

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where weed caused issues?

 

My GF and I are very much in love and in most areas we're VERY compatible. The one major difference is that I'm very anti-drug and she smokes weed habitually/socially w/friends. The two compromises we came up with were this. 1) She smokes on the 3-4 days per week we're not together. 2) She'll occasionally smoke outside a few hrs before bed to wind down so she can sleep better. I'm fine w/this because I've spent the whole day w/her straight and she's not smoking in front of me.

 

Guys, this is not an arguement about the addictive properties of weed. FF and his girlfriend are fundamentally opposed on this subject—notice he didn't say he didn't smoke pot, he said he was ANTI-DRUG. That's a huge difference.

 

I think this speaks volumes about how important it is to not disregard dealbreakers early-on in a relationship because you're so enamoured with each other. Ok, they're compatible, but this is a GLARING incompatibility, and they were both a bit foolhardy to think that this wouldn't become an issue down the line. Being able to see through the fog of that chemical spark is essential. Otherwise you end up a year in going "oh no."

[Toodaloo]

Differences in goals and attitudes like this just equal disaster.

Edited January 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off-topic content redacted ~6

[carhill]

OP, you mentioned in your opening post about her not wanting to 'be a drag' when out with her friends. Could you clarify that?

 

Using an example, since I'm not a heavy drinker, when out with friends I tend to have two beers and that's it. I can make them last as long as I need to. Why? Two is plenty for me and I have to drive and don't wish to get a DUI, which is possible. To my knowledge, I'm never a drag. They tie one on, I drive home sober. We each respect the other. It's a lot of fun because, well, they're friends and we love each other.

 

Since you stated your GF is lively and bubbly (I don't remember the exact words) when sober she should easily be able to have a great time and not be a drag if, yeah, imbibing but not getting stoned. I certainly hope she's not getting stoned if she has to drive home. That's unsafe. If she has a problem with peer pressure, OK, you guys can work that. I still see this as resolvable if you love each other, respect each other, and are willing to find middle ground that addresses boundaries of you both.

[Robert]

Folks,

 

I just deleted 28 posts that were either off-topic and/or unhelpful to the OP. This thread is not the place for your personal views on marijuana, accusations of people being "druggies" and "addicts", costs associated with marijuana use, the dangers of marijuana use, the legality of marijuana use, etc, etc.

 

There are plenty of places on the internet to debate this, or a new thread can be started free of charge in the off-topic forum. The original topic is as quoted below.

 

Either post some helpful input for the OP regarding his relationship issue, or move on.

 

Thank you in advance for complying with this moderation directive.

 

~6

 

 

 

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where weed caused issues?

 

My GF and I are very much in love and in most areas we're VERY compatible. The one major difference is that I'm very anti-drug and she smokes weed habitually/socially w/friends. The two compromises we came up with were this. 1) She smokes on the 3-4 days per week we're not together. 2) She'll occasionally smoke outside a few hrs before bed to wind down so she can sleep better. I'm fine w/this because I've spent the whole day w/her straight and she's not smoking in front of me.

 

Her business has really started to take off. So now she's been having to see her friends and me on the same days more often. I get along with all her friends really well. But their main source of entertainment is smoking out together. When my GF is straight she's funny, engaging, social, and full of energy. But when she's baked, she's lethargic, quiet, and doesn't want to get off the couch. LOL So on days where I see her after she spends time with her friends, it's kind of a drag to be around her. So today I said to her "When you see you friends tonight, can you skip the weed? I want 100% of you tonight". This lead to an argument between us. My mindset is that she's got plenty of other days she can smoke on, and can spend time with her friends once and awhile w/o smoking. But she doesn't want to be a drag around them.

 

 

Edited to add by William that moderation recovered posts more topical to general discussion of marijuana and located them here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/addiction-recovery/518715-can-someone-addicted-weed#post6743040

 

Members desiring to continue a more general discussion may do so there.

Edited January 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved posts

[fitnessfan365]

Hey everyone. Let me clarify that she isn't smoking THAT much.

 

When I said she has 3-4 days away from me to smoke, I didn't mean to imply she's toking up morning, noon, and night. At most we're talking a few times per week with friends socially. Plus the occasional bowl here/there to help her sleep better. So she is not a full blown pot head by any stretch of the imagination. If that was the case, I wouldn't be with her.

 

Up until a few months ago, she'd always see her friends and me on different days. But now her business is really starting to take off. So due to a busier a schedule, she's been seeing her friends and then me right after. This is my only real issue. I just want her to leave some time in between to level out a bit because when she's baked she mainly just wants to watch TV and sleep. LOL

Edited January 21, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

Hey everyone. Let me clarify that she isn't smoking THAT much.

 

When I said she has 3-4 days away from me to smoke, I didn't mean to imply she's toking up morning, noon, and night. At most we're talking a few times per week with friends socially. Plus the occasional bowl here/there to help her sleep better. So she is not a full blown pot head by any stretch of the imagination. If that was the case, I wouldn't be with her.

 

Up until a few months ago, she'd always see her friends and me on different days. But now her business is really starting to take off. So due to a busier a schedule, she's been seeing her friends and then me right after. This is my only real issue. I just want her to leave some time in between to level out a bit because when she's baked she mainly just wants to watch TV and sleep. LOL

 

This thread has been spinning in all sorts of different directions ....so thank you for reiterating what you stated in your OP.

 

And I still maintain my opinion that your request is not unreasonable and a healthy compromise.

 

As to why she insists on not offering her own compromise and instead arguing about it is beyond me.

 

That is a separate issue you may wish to address ...on its own.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[carhill]

OP, if she's hanging out with friends who don't use MJ, does she use when with them? I'm asking because we have an older male friend who's the only MJ user amongst our male group and he has no problem having a joint while we're having a few beers and shooting the breeze, nor do we have any problem with his choices. How does it go for your GF? Say a group of her non-user GF's stop by your place and they're having a good time. What does she do?

[fitnessfan365]

This thread has been spinning in all sorts of different directions ....so thank you for reiterating what you stated in your OP.

 

And I still maintain my opinion that your request is not unreasonable and a healthy compromise.

 

As to why she insists on not offering her own compromise and instead arguing about it is beyond me.

 

That is a separate issue you may wish to address ...on its own.

 

Good luck.

 

Haha.. Yeah I was surprised to see all the directions it went Katie.

 

It's interesting to see that people are claiming I want to "change her". Especially when I left to pick up some groceries for my GF so her and her best friend could smoke a bowl together. Since she enjoyed smoking before she met me, I'd never try to get her to stop. Also, it has nothing to do with her as a person or how we feel about each other.

 

LA - Yes I am anti-drug for myself which means I'll never taken any and don't like seeing it done in my presence. But I'm also a firm believer that people should do what makes them feel good for themselves. Since she likes to smoke weed socially with her friends a few times per week and to relax at night once and awhile, that's fine. The only compromise I'm asking for, is that on days where she sees her friends and me, that there's some time in between for her to level. I mean it's hard to have dates and general quality time when someone just wants to watch TV and sleep. That's all I'm saying.

 

OP, if she's hanging out with friends who don't use MJ, does she use when with them? I'm asking because we have an older male friend who's the only MJ user amongst our male group and he has no problem having a joint while we're having a few beers and shooting the breeze, nor do we have any problem with his choices. How does it go for your GF? Say a group of her non-user GF's stop by your place and they're having a good time. What does she do?

 

Everyone in her social circle smokes weed. I mean they do go out and do other things. But the majority of the time, they're smoking together at some point over the course of the night. This was never an issue before because she always saw them on different days than me. But now that she'll see them and me right after, she has no energy to really do anything aside from being couch bound. Now it's one thing if we've had the whole day together, and then she wants to smoke at night to wind down for bed. However, when we've only got a few hours to spend together I want to make the most out of them. I mean let's say you haven't seen your sig-o for 2-3 days. Then when you get together they barely have any energy and just want to zonk out in front of the TV. That'd be kind of a drag right? So if she'd leave some more time in between her friends/me on the same day, she'd level out before getting together.

Edited January 21, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[VeveCakes]

Ask her to try a different strain of weed, they can have VERY different effects.

[losangelena]

If it's not such a big deal, then why does this thread exist? With all due respect, FF, I think you're being a bit naive to think that this isn't going to cause more issues as time goes on.

 

I think, instead of asking for a compromise, just tell her you won't come see her if she's high. Maybe the thought of missing out on time with you will get her to curb her use a bit.

[SWTairen]

TBH if her smoking is that much of an issue then you probably should look at it at face value. You should know that MOST smokers are smokers for life unless they HAVE to change. I know this from experience (I had to change, if it weren't for that I would still be smoking pot, the same goes for several other people I know as well as people I hang out with that smoke as they have no reason NOT to.)

 

Knowing that this is probably going to be a lifelong use I have to ask you this:

 

Are you prepared for that? Can you deal with being with a smoker for the rest of your life? Can you be OKAY with her wanting to use it to calm down or just have a little fun? Are you willing to try to NOT change her into something that YOU want?

 

If you aren't willing to deal with it for the rest of your life then you need to step back and reevaluate the relationship because if it's not something you can handle indefinitely then you need to let her go and be with someone whose not going to harass her for doing something she obviously enjoys.

[carhill]

All her friends use MJ? Really? That's significant. How about her family members? If her family members don't use, how do things go around them? Say they're all over at your place for a dinner. Does she go out on the patio and smoke or inside or not at all or what? What do they do?

 

Since you appear to be living together, this sounds like a pretty committed relationship. It also sounds like she's pretty committed to a social circle which enjoys, fairly frequently, using MJ. Sounds like you have a decision to make.

[Gaeta]

FF: How is it going to work when you live together?

[preraph]

FitnessFan, I'm of the generation where everyone I knew smoked pot, and I was among the first to do it and first to get bored of it and stop. I've seen a lot of pot smokers in my day. First I would wonder how old she is. If she's in her early 20s, she very well may get bored of it. If she hasn't stopped using regularly by 30, she does have a dependence problem, and since pot isn't exactly addictive, it is more akin to anesthetizing pain. Same reason people become alcoholics. They stay anesthetized to tamp down the pain and escape and not have to deal with it.

 

[]

 

I never liked people who sat around and did nothing but get high, even when I did it quite a bit myself. I remember the slothlike behavior. Once in Florida, I was staying at this house and was bored and ready to explore and said I was going to walk to the corner store. A couple of them said, "Oh, I'll go too" and wanted me to wait for them. I barely knew these people and was staying at their place so I was being polite and waiting. Hours later, they were still on the couch smoking. They weren't going anywhere. I took the next bus outta there and rented a room for the duration rather than put up with that.

 

Regular habitual dependence on anything is never good. Again, when young, people party and party hard a lot of times. Like me, once I got a job I liked, I cut it way back because I wanted to be ready for my work.[] Usually by 30, even partiers have toned it down or confined it to days off. Good luck.

Edited January 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content