GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend

[Poutrew]

IF she still takes Chris to the gym 4 days a week while you are married to her, well know that eventually Chris will drop the baby fat, and bulk up. Your then wife will know that she literally molded Chris's body into Adonis. What woman wont get on her knees in front of her Adonis...to admire her handiwork?

 

The point is that she has already told you that Chris is always going to be a priority in her life. She will not dump him for you. There's a reason for that... Chris is feeding some deep need within her: He's in a place where you are never going to be allowed to go. Do you really want that kind of future? Just remember all this when you speak to her and she starts turning on the tears...

[Gaeta]

Chris aside.

 

The latest drama aside.

 

I think after 1 year dating it's time to assess this relationship (and the girlfriend) and decide if it's a go or no-go for a future together.

 

Personal I would expect something else from a 27 yo woman.

 

We have seen a couple of sides of her. How she handles friendship and romantic relationships. Does she carry the same lack of boundaries, responsibility, integrity when it comes to finances? Family? work?

 

Time for tough questions.

 

In a marriage, cuteness and coolness brings little to the table.

[thousandsuns]

IF she still takes Chris to the gym 4 days a week while you are married to her, well know that eventually Chris will drop the baby fat, and bulk up. Your then wife will know that she literally molded Chris's body into Adonis. What woman wont get on her knees in front of her Adonis...to admire her handiwork?

 

The point is that she has already told you that Chris is always going to be a priority in her life. She will not dump him for you. There's a reason for that... Chris is feeding some deep need within her: He's in a place where you are never going to be allowed to go. Do you really want that kind of future? Just remember all this when you speak to her and she starts turning on the tears...

 

Ok so the gym situation is something I just can't change. She is trying to help him lose weight because she cares about him. This makes me believe he is poor excuse of a man. Why would you attract pity and sympathy off your friends to get things done in life? This makes me believe he is not only lazy but an utter scum too at the end of the day who will just feed off sympathy off my gf because he goes around telling her all his problems. In actuality I can't do anything about it if he keeps taking advantage of my gf that way. She has always been a doormat to her friends and will continue to be in many cases. It's just something in her personality that clearly shows she will want to help people without even thinking. Example, the night I was over at hers she offered me her electric fan so that I could take it with me when they moved out as she would no longer need it. It gets extremely hot at my place and she offered me to take the fan off her. Something she got with her own money for her own purpose. This is one of the main reasons why I love her because she is thoughtful and selfless. Maybe she was doing the same for Chris even though the way she did it was unacceptable.

 

Note though that Chris will never be toned. He isn't fat he is obese. He is much worse than my gf. The gym thing will keep going on till they decide to give up eventually or it wears off. It's something I can't interfere in anyways.

 

Chris aside.

 

The latest drama aside.

 

I think after 1 year dating it's time to assess this relationship (and the girlfriend) and decide if it's a go or no-go for a future together.

 

Personal I would expect something else from a 27 yo woman.

 

We have seen a couple of sides of her. How she handles friendship and romantic relationships. Does she carry the same lack of boundaries, responsibility, integrity when it comes to finances? Family? work?

 

Time for tough questions.

 

In a marriage, cuteness and coolness brings little to the table.

 

I already know the answer to those questions mostly but it is worth asking again and getting clear responses. This is some sound advice though so thanks. The problem is this conversation will turn too serious and give the doubts I have about her after all this I'm not even sure if marraige is on the table.

 

All I know for sure is when I mentioned this incident again and the fact that I wanted to chat with her in person again and hinted a possible end to our relationship she got utterly devastated. The girl suffered all day from not knowing whether I would break up with her or not as I hadn't made it clear on text since it was meant to be spoken in person. She loves me a lot and she realises her mistake. But I can't keep milking this anymore as it's hurting her. I don't know whether I should forgive and forget or just move on. Either way if we are still together it will be back to our regular relationship. No marraige nothing just yet as she would need to earn my trust again from this. I don't want her to hide things from me any more.

[Gaeta]

I already know the answer to those questions mostly but it is worth asking again and getting clear responses. This is some sound advice though so thanks. The problem is this conversation will turn too serious and give the doubts I have about her after all this I'm not even sure if marraige is on the table.

 

All I know for sure is when I mentioned this incident again and the fact that I wanted to chat with her in person again and hinted a possible end to our relationship she got utterly devastated. The girl suffered all day from not knowing whether I would break up with her or not as I hadn't made it clear on text since it was meant to be spoken in person. She loves me a lot and she realises her mistake. But I can't keep milking this anymore as it's hurting her. I don't know whether I should forgive and forget or just move on. Either way if we are still together it will be back to our regular relationship. No marraige nothing just yet as she would need to earn my trust again from this. I don't want her to hide things from me any more.

 

I was more suggesting you ask 'yourself' some serious questions.

 

Try to put your feelings aside and have an objective look on the type of person she is. Ask yourself how is she with money, family, work, etc.

 

Before working on amending this relationship ask yourself is this only a bump in the road and she is an over all well rounded and grounded person OR her lack of openness, assiduity, clarity, integrity is also present in all aspect of her life.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this relationship is not worth fixing.

[Imajerk17]

LEt's take a 30,000-foot view of this.

 

The very core problem is that your girlfriend is far too enmeshed in another male's life (who doesn't happen to be a blood relative). Codependent actually. It seems unhealthy even if she were single, nevermind that she is in a relationship with you. She is giving Chris more time and energy than she is giving you, often to the point of putting him first, before you. There already were big issues even before the whole moving him in thing. Chris needs your girlfriend to go to the gym 4x/week with him for motivation? Seriously? And she is obliging?

 

It's tough to unwind how she handled the moving situation vs how you handled it (I think she handled it poorly though) or whether she will actually physically cheat on you with Chris (I think at some point it is not unlikely at all--your girlfriend seems like the type who needs to rescue men). I think those actually are all secondary issues that came from the core problem of your girlfriend being way too enmeshed with Chris.

 

Getting back to your talk with your girlfriend thousandsuns: An apology of how she handled the moving situation is a start, but she needs to reevaluate her entire relationship with Chris. I'm having a very tough time seeing how your relationship with your girlfriend is salvageable.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Miss Peach]

I'm sort of in a similar situation to your GF so I can see both sides. I understand why she might not be prioritizing you at this point but at some point she needs to be IMO.

 

I have a male friend I have know for 5 years who I would spend insane amounts of time with. I am not attracted to him. We want different things. Values and views on things that would be important in a relationship are not there. We've discussed a romantic relationship a few years ago (people tend to assume we're married) but neither of us would be comfortable with it. We continue to be good friends.

 

My BF came along into this about 8 months ago.

 

My BF doesn't really like to talk on the phone. My male friend does. I talk to my male friend several times per week on the phone and see him 1-3 times. I see the BF 3-4 times per week. I have also been roommates before with the male friend.

 

I continue to see/talk with my male friend and date my BF. I try to be above board with the BF as much as possible as I want to be transparent and him to trust me. I have had to have talks with the friend to set boundaries and ground rules as this is the first serious relationship I've had in awhile. The friend knows I am seriously dating this guy but doesn't want to meet him. I've told him I'm OK with it at this point but eventually he'll need to do this for me. The friend seems to think it's the BF pushing for it but it's me.

 

The issue I have is that at some point I want them to meet. There are some other small things I want to make sure everyone is comfortable. I am currently prioritizing each one for different things. Plans, parties, etc. goes to the BF first. But the friend is better at helping me in certain ways than the BF is so certain things he gets the priority.

 

At first my friend was upset I would consider prioritizing the BF over him. I'm not yet comfortable at prioritizing the BF completely at this point over the friend but I will draw the line if things continue to progress with the BF. I don't want to cut out the friend because he is my closest friend and we've both helped each other a lot over the last several years. But if we can't all coexist and it's due to the friend not being reasonable or crossing boundaries I will consider it.

 

The BF hasn't asked me to do anything and has trusted me completely. I'm doing this because I am uneasy and want the BF to continue being able to trust me.

 

I really hope I don't have to cut one off but I will have to make the decision if things get serious with BF and if they can't coexist well.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Miss Peach

[thousandsuns]

I'm sort of in a similar situation to your GF so I can see both sides. I understand why she might not be prioritizing you at this point but at some point she needs to be IMO.

 

I have a male friend I have know for 5 years who I would spend insane amounts of time with. I am not attracted to him. We want different things. Values and views on things that would be important in a relationship are not there. We've discussed a romantic relationship a few years ago (people tend to assume we're married) but neither of us would be comfortable with it. We continue to be good friends.

 

My BF came along into this about 8 months ago.

 

My BF doesn't really like to talk on the phone. My male friend does. I talk to my male friend several times per week on the phone and see him 1-3 times. I see the BF 3-4 times per week. I have also been roommates before with the male friend.

 

I continue to see/talk with my male friend and date my BF. I try to be above board with the BF as much as possible as I want to be transparent and him to trust me. I have had to have talks with the friend to set boundaries and ground rules as this is the first serious relationship I've had in awhile. The friend knows I am seriously dating this guy but doesn't want to meet him. I've told him I'm OK with it at this point but eventually he'll need to do this for me. The friend seems to think it's the BF pushing for it but it's me.

 

The issue I have is that at some point I want them to meet. There are some other small things I want to make sure everyone is comfortable. I am currently prioritizing each one for different things. Plans, parties, etc. goes to the BF first. But the friend is better at helping me in certain ways than the BF is so certain things he gets the priority.

 

At first my friend was upset I would consider prioritizing the BF over him. I'm not yet comfortable at prioritizing the BF completely at this point over the friend but I will draw the line if things continue to progress with the BF. I don't want to cut out the friend because he is my closest friend and we've both helped each other a lot over the last several years. But if we can't all coexist and it's due to the friend not being reasonable or crossing boundaries I will consider it.

 

The BF hasn't asked me to do anything and has trusted me completely. I'm doing this because I am uneasy and want the BF to continue being able to trust me.

 

I really hope I don't have to cut one off but I will have to make the decision if things get serious with BF and if they can't coexist well.

 

I don't think it's similar it's pretty much identical. However, given our situation (you and I) we would both need to see where our relationships are going respectively. Your friend shouldn't be upset about being cut from prioritisation if you are planning to be in a serious relationship that may lead to marriage with your bf. If you don't convey that to him now, he won't simply get it. Your bf is not going to be fine with this later along the line when things get serious trust me. For example he wouldn't want you prioritising your friend over him after youre engaged and so forth even.

Also, I don't understand what gives him the right to be be upset if you wanted to prioritise your bf over him. He is your romantic relationship , obviously the stuff you do with him are different from what you do with your friend. It's up to you to know who to prioritise but in general when you're in a relationship you normally tend to put your bf first because it's a special relationship and not just a close friendship. I doubt your bf has any issues with your closeness with your friend but if he has issues about something or is bothered later on you, you will know as to why. I am already in his shoes so I know what it's like.

 

However, the dynamic of a bf/gf relationship and friendship are completely different and you're totally right in the sense that there are boundaries. You do need to consider the fact that regardless of how close of a friend this person he is to you he is still a male. In a guys perspective as you can see many on here we would always have a little bit of concern as to how close you are with your guy friend. I myself have had no issue till this point as it seems that Chris is actually looking to be more and more of an orbiter. Someone who just feeds of sympathy and trust from my gf to be clinging onto her non romantically. Is that what friends really do? Use you?

 

I hope you don't run into the same outcome as me where your bf feels annoyed by the priority situation. Best of luck and thank you for sharing! I feel for you.

Edited January 9, 2016 by thousandsuns