GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend

[thousandsuns]

After everything I said you will be surprised to hear that no, I don't think a person is a cheater for life but there is a need to mature that I doubt she has done because of the way she's handling alcohol still.

 

People that want to change will get ride of all the bad stuff that made them fall in the first place.

 

If she cheated 10 years ago I am open to trust her again.

 

How long ago she cheated?

 

Cheating is hurtful and it's common nowadays but it's something to let slide sometimes but her excuse to cheat scares me the most. With that being said I'm not pro cheating but it just seems more common that someone has in the past than anything else. I believe this incident would have occurred 4-7 years ago. She is 27 right now.

[smackie9]

You are only dating, you have no saying on a decision she is making regarding her living situation. If she can't find a 3rd tenant are you the one that will pay the extra rent money? I didn't think so.

 

Women are not ragga-die dolls that can't say no. It's not because a man is into us that we will turn into him or cheat with him. I would find your lack of trust pretty insulting. You are thinking like a man.

 

You need to understand women better. We're wired differently than men. A man is wired to jump pretty much everything that moves and has to work hard at avoiding 'opportunities'. Not us, once we've put a man in the friendzone you're there for life and no amount of pursuing us will change the fact you leave us indifferent. Your girlfriend probably has a 'yuk' feeling if she thinks of this friend kissing her.

THIS^^^^they have known each other for 5 years, and not once has she had any interest in dating him. She's no dummy, she knows he has feelings for her, but that has never changed the dynamic of their friendship.

 

But on the other hand, no guy likes another guy mackin on his GF, I totally get it.

 

So you have two choices....trust your GF or dump her.

 

**IMO if things get too weird, she will ask him to leave.

[smackie9]

BTW OP, cheating isn't more common now a days, cheating has always existed, it was well hidden. We just know more of what is going on with people cheating because of cel phones, and social media. It was way easier to cheat back in the day when these things weren't invented yet.

[Tribble]

How very annoying, I typed a nice long reply and it got deleted!

 

 

But here's the general gist.

 

 

- I agree, she didn't handle this well. She should have told you. But you were out of the country and maybe she did want to tell you about it in person. You brought up the situation before that was possible. She couldn't avoid it or lie so she told you. And you reacted aggressively and issued an ultimatum. Maybe she's right, in person would have been perfect.

- BUT, this shows up issues in your relationship that are way, way more important than this problem

- You don't trust her. You assume she'll cheat, because she has in the past. But past behaviour doesn't always dictate future behaviour. Maybe she made a mistake and would never do it again. Or maybe she will cheat in every relationship she ever has, we don't know.

- You assume proximity and alcohol = cheating. But if they spend so much time together as you say, wouldn't they have cheated before now? You don't have to live with someone to cheat with them. Granted, it increases opportunities but it isn't a guarantee

- What about this other housemate? Is he going to sleep with her too? After all, proximity and alcohol means something has to happen right?

- Alcohol problem or not, if she's faithful, no amount of alcohol can make her cheat. I've been drunk as a skunk plenty of times and didn't drop my knickers to anyone who asked

- You don't respect her - you call her a moron. Why do you want to be with someone you think is a moron, regardless of who she lives with?

- You told her you were thinking of proposing but that's out of the window now. That's just manipulative. Sure, make sure you're on the same page, but why throw that out there?

- You keep calling Chris names and making out that he is partly to fault for jeopardising your relationship so you should talk to him. It isn't anyone elses responsibility to safeguard your relationship other than you and your gf. He's not done anything wrong so far as you know. Didn't he express feelings for your gf BEFORE you were together? For all you know, they're gone and only friendship remains.

 

 

Your gf certainly isn't in the right here. She knows you have a problem with how close she is with Chris and didn't tell you he was moving in. But this problem is highlighting other issues to do with trust and respect, which you are lacking for your gf. What are you wanting to save here?

[ExpatInItaly]

How very annoying, I typed a nice long reply and it got deleted!

 

 

But here's the general gist.

 

 

- I agree, she didn't handle this well. She should have told you. But you were out of the country and maybe she did want to tell you about it in person. You brought up the situation before that was possible. She couldn't avoid it or lie so she told you. And you reacted aggressively and issued an ultimatum. Maybe she's right, in person would have been perfect.

- BUT, this shows up issues in your relationship that are way, way more important than this problem

- You don't trust her. You assume she'll cheat, because she has in the past. But past behaviour doesn't always dictate future behaviour. Maybe she made a mistake and would never do it again. Or maybe she will cheat in every relationship she ever has, we don't know.

- You assume proximity and alcohol = cheating. But if they spend so much time together as you say, wouldn't they have cheated before now? You don't have to live with someone to cheat with them. Granted, it increases opportunities but it isn't a guarantee

- What about this other housemate? Is he going to sleep with her too? After all, proximity and alcohol means something has to happen right?

- Alcohol problem or not, if she's faithful, no amount of alcohol can make her cheat. I've been drunk as a skunk plenty of times and didn't drop my knickers to anyone who asked

- You don't respect her - you call her a moron. Why do you want to be with someone you think is a moron, regardless of who she lives with?

- You told her you were thinking of proposing but that's out of the window now. That's just manipulative. Sure, make sure you're on the same page, but why throw that out there?

- You keep calling Chris names and making out that he is partly to fault for jeopardising your relationship so you should talk to him. It isn't anyone elses responsibility to safeguard your relationship other than you and your gf. He's not done anything wrong so far as you know. Didn't he express feelings for your gf BEFORE you were together? For all you know, they're gone and only friendship remains.

 

 

Your gf certainly isn't in the right here. She knows you have a problem with how close she is with Chris and didn't tell you he was moving in. But this problem is highlighting other issues to do with trust and respect, which you are lacking for your gf. What are you wanting to save here?

 

All of this.

 

I think you should just end it, OP. You can't forbid her from living with him, and I don't think you'll be able to trust her enough to handle it. It doesn't sound like your relationship is solid enough to survive this.

[CollegeKid101]

Reading this just makes me annoyed for you! End it OP.

[BlueIris]

She and her remaining (female) roommate decided to have Chris rent the 3rd slot. That is much better than renting to someone they don’t know, male or female. They’ll be safer and more likely to get paid that portion of the rent with someone they know. If your sexual exclusivity and jealousy are more important to you than her safety and economic well-being, definitely break up.

[lolablue17]

She didn't handle it very well, and you certainly don't handle it well, at all!

 

1. She's decided to tell you only when it's too late to reverse it, as a way to dictate a reality she knew you wouldn't like. So she has demonstrated her version of "Taking mutual decisions together". She wants to take decisions by herself and your role is to swallow it and shut up.

 

2. She isn't honest with you when she tells you now that "Oh, I can't let him down now, it's too late", and "I didn't tell you then because I wanted to do it in person" give me a break... Her telling you when it's too late is a simple manipulation to force what she wants, despite your feelings she could have guessed. Don't think it ends there. If she gets away with it, she will learn an important lesson - From now on, she can manipulate you every time, knowing you will behave like a doormat.

 

This is her. But you also make many mistakes! You are not her boss, you have no right to tell her what to do!

 

Stop being so pu$sy. You behave like a spoiled needy kid, or a doormat. She has shown to you how much she cares about your feelings, and she has also proven that when it fits her, she take one sided decisions, decisions that effect on you, without asking you, consulting you, ot even telling you about it.

 

And your response? whining, whining whining. Are you nuts? REVERSE THE SITUATION!

 

Call her and appologize for your response. You take back everything you said, from now on you will not interfere her decisions. more than that, you respect and support her decision, and thinks that she has all the right to decide what ever she wishes. So you're sorry and appologize.

 

But you also has the right to make some decisions. You think that her (legitimate) decision, has shown to you her real feelings for you, she also has shown to you her perception of compromising and making concessions in a relationship.

 

So you're happy about this incident, it has revealed a big gap between how you and her view about "what is a relationship". You loved her so much and thought maybe she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, but apparently it cannot work, so you're glad that you found out about it now and not after marrying her, children and so... Wish her happiness with her friend, and say goodbye.

 

With that approach:

1. You are the one who controls the business. You take the decisions, and you act like a man, and not like a needy wimp.

2. You put the ball at her yard. If she wants you, she must make some real efforts, in order to win you back. Never promise to take her back "If she promises to tell Crhis that he can't move in". She must perform some actions, not only talking.

3. If she cancel this stupid "living with Chris", and you take her back, she has learned a lesson - That she can't f*ck with you, and can't manipulate you. Believe me, she will get it and appreciate you much more.

4. If she's doing nothing to win you back, there you go... You lost nothing because you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about you at all.

 

It's a win win situation for you.

Edited January 6, 2016 by lolablue17

[kendahke]

How am I trust her and let her be if she couldn't bother telling me about this?

 

So the answer is: you don't. If you don't trust her, why are you with someone you can't trust?

[d0nnivain]

Please elaborate though how she can show she cares about me if she goes ahead and brings this guy to live with her?

 

To some extent it would be a function of time & attention. How does she act around you? Around him? Around him both? Is she spending time with him or you? If she is going out & doing things with him that would bother me. If he just lives there & she sort of grunts at him when they pass in the halls it's less of a problem. But it she constantly talks about him or gets cagey when he's mentioned both of those would be suspicions.

 

You are not going to be able to put a spy cam in her room & monitor everything she does when you aren't there. You can either take this leap of faith or you can decide that she made her choice & it wasn't you.

[kendahke]

How will I even know if she does cheat on me? I can't keep a tab on her 24/7.

 

If she wants to cheat with Chris, she could have been doing that the whole time you were out of town. She could have been doing that while you were in town and not with her. People who want to cheat will. People who don't want to cheat won't.

 

Please elaborate though how she can show she cares about me if she goes ahead and brings this guy to live with her?

 

What precluded you from being the 3rd roommate or asking her to move in with you when her lease is up? If you answered that already, I haven't seen it, but I'm curious why you didn't strike while the iron was hot.

 

I think she will have told him about this anyways briefly but if I do speak with Chris I will politely tell him this is what you're doing to your friends relationship with me if you decide to ultimately move in. If he feels any empathy and doesn't want to hurt his so called friend he will back off. He isn't homeless he can find another place to live I imagine. Only reason he's even here is because my gf felt sympathy for him and tried to help him out.

 

If you go to Chris with that, it would tell him that he succeeded in cracking your relationship and if he keeps the course, he could pop you out of her life in a matter of time.

 

You're exposing your vulnerability to him and of course he's going to go in for the kill.

 

I'd advise not saying anything to him because he's not the problem in this matter: it's the tenuousness of your relationship and how your girlfriend considers you. There is no trust; she doesn't tell you what's going on probably because she doesn't want to deal with your insecurities, which admittedly you needed to get a handle on a long time ago. Being passionate is one thing: being insecure is quite another altogether and it's not an attractive quality is a grown man.

[kgcolonel]

Initially I was ready to contradict what Lolablue was saying but after reading and contemplating this, she is exactly right. You should apologize for the reaction you took and maybe even thank her for showing you her idea of how the two of you should operate.

 

I would follow that up with a comment about how she is absolutely right that she was within her rights to invite anyone she wanted to share the apt with her and her other roommate with or without consideration of a conversation with you her BF. I would simply tell her that you support her in this move.....as a single person. "I love you very much and am really dissappointed that we were not able to discuss this to a mutually palatable resolution.

 

I only wish the best for you.":(

[kgcolonel]

I really don't see cheating or trust here as the deal breaker. I know that is how you feel but......I see disrespect and manipulation here as well as behaving like a single person when in a relationship. There are lessons to learn all around on this one and hopefully the next pass will be better.

[lolablue17]

I really don't see cheating or trust here as the deal breaker. I know that is how you feel but......I see disrespect and manipulation here as well as behaving like a single person when in a relationship. There are lessons to learn all around on this one and hopefully the next pass will be better.

 

Exactly!

 

Her yes\no possible cheating with Chris, or his jealousy or insecurities, are not the issue. These are real heavy issues that also needed to be resolved, but not right now. These are irrelevant at the moment.

 

The agenda is about- What's the difference between taking decisions while you're single compared to while you're in a committed relationship, What is compromises and concessions in a relationship, and what is honesty in a relationship even if it's uncomfortable. In those matters, she's $screwed up big time!

Edited January 6, 2016 by lolablue17

[Gaeta]

What you need to do is move in with a woman. Make sure she is attractive. Maybe even start hanging out with that girl often, more often than you hang out with your girlfriend. When your GF has a problem with your new female friend, and trust me, she absolutely will, maybe then she will have to admit that her relationship with her male BFF is inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

 

She has had this friend for 5 years and dating him for 1.

 

Not the same as making new friends while in a relationship.

 

You never should have tried to pursue a relationship with her after she betrayed your trust that first time. There are plenty of decent women out there. Don't waste your time with a cheater who disrespects you like this.

 

She did not cheat on him, she cheated on an ex boyfriend.

 

Wanna read the thread again maybe.

[fitnessfan365]

Granted she's a cheater from her past. So she doesn't have the best integrity.

 

But let's talk about the subject of male friends in general. Assuming it's a platonic friend w/no sexual history, being "friends" means she doesn't want to have sex with him. Especially considering she already rejected him. In the end, you can't control how guys feel about your GF. All you can do is focus on how the two of you feel about each other.

[Gaeta]

Just an excuse. A friend is a friend. If she was friends with the guy for 20 years or two days, their relationship is inappropriate, and was so before she decided the let the guy move in with her.

 

Having another man move in with her is well beyond what most reasonable people would consider appropriate while in a relationship.

 

On two separate occasions I have started dating a woman while having a female friend staying at my house. ON both occasions my new GF had a serious issue with me having another woman here, and rightly so. Both times I gave notice to my then roommates that they needed to find another place to stay. They both understood and were OK with it..

 

That's alright, some people can't think outside the box.

 

Not every man and woman are about jumping each other. I have long time male friends and they are like brothers to me. They have their wife, I have my boyfriend and we socialize.

 

Also my daughter is 28. She has always had male room-mates, always! some were friends, some were colleagues and it has never ever been a problem for her boyfriend. Where I am from it's very common to have male, female room-mates.

[CherryVanilla]

Honestly I think that was VERY INCONSIDERATE of your girlfriend and I understand why you're mad. I would be mad as well. She should have asked you about this, this is a big deal, she is letting a MALE FRIEND, who was attracted to her, to live with you too. She made a big mistake and she didn't give a damn about your feelings.

 

To the girls defending her... Well imagine if your boyfriend said his female friend, who has always been attracted to him, would live with you two and then he wouldn't do anything about it, not tell you anything and not change his mind. Would you find this fair? Would you like such a situation?

 

What she did just shows she has no respect for you and that she completely disregards your feelings. Honestly if my boyfriend did that I would DEFINITELY break up with him. But you gotta think ... If you really love her you may regret breaking up with her later. I know no contact is not the right choice because it is passive aggressive but I wouldn't like to talk to her anymore if I were you. Things like these really turn me off.

[BlueIris]

...

Not every man and woman are about jumping each other. I have long time male friends and they are like brothers to me. They have their wife, I have my boyfriend and we socialize.

 

Also my daughter is 28. She has always had male room-mates, always! some were friends, some were colleagues and it has never ever been a problem for her boyfriend. Where I am from it's very common to have male, female room-mates.

 

It sure makes one wonder, doesn't it, Gaeta?

 

I have a 28 year old too. Same experience. And when I was in college, we lived in big co-ed houses and we were capable of not having sex with friends. I would be wary of anyone who doubts that people can control themselves. I'd assume that that person can't and that people with self-control and integrity avoid them, which is why they haven't ever seen people act with self-control and integrity.

 

But for OP, bottom line remains- break up. I know I'd break up with a guy who thinks the way he does. And I'd advise my daughters to do the same.

[CherryVanilla]

Damn, even if OP's girlfriend was trying to bring a PUPPY into the house, she should have talked to her boyfriend about it before doing it.

 

They live under the same roof. No matter who's she's bringing into the house, she should talk to him because he lives there as well.

 

This girl is absurdly disrespectful .

 

I would definitely break up.

[Gaeta]

Damn, even if OP's girlfriend was trying to bring a PUPPY into the house, she should have talked to her boyfriend about it before doing it.

 

They live under the same roof. No matter who's she's bringing into the house, she should talk to him because he lives there as well.

 

This girl is absurdly disrespectful .

 

I would definitely break up.

 

OP and his girlfriend do not live together.

[CherryVanilla]

OP and his girlfriend do not live together.

 

Hmmm, my mistake.

 

Well that changes things...

 

I understand why OP is pissed, I would be pissed as well. ONE thing is living with a friend - even if it's a friend of the opposite sex - ANOTHER thing is living with someone who used to be attracted to you - and even if your bf complains about it, you don't change your mind.

 

I understand why she didn't change her mind, too. I understand her point. But it is clear that she prioritizes her friends over OP.

 

I would be mad if I were him as well. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Gaeta]

Hmmm, my mistake.

 

Well that changes things...

 

I understand why OP is pissed, I would be pissed as well. ONE thing is living with a friend - even if it's a friend of the opposite sex - ANOTHER thing is living with someone who used to be attracted to you - and even if your bf complains about it, you don't change your mind.

 

I understand why she didn't change her mind, too. I understand her point. But it is clear that she prioritizes her friends over OP.

 

I would be mad if I were him as well. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

 

Just for the sake of argument.

 

The friend has admitted to being attracted to her and she rejected him. The attraction was not mutual.

 

Will OP take on the role of police around her? How about other men that find OP's girlfriend attractive. Should he go to her work and warn all men to stay away from her? About OP's own friends. How many you think think she's attractive? probably all of them. Will OP also police them?

 

This young man from my work told me once how he fantasize about me all day. I said: Well dear, it's flattering considering you are 20 years younger than I but I am not interested.

 

Should my boyfriend come to my work and talk to this guy? should my boyfriend insist I find another job? NO. I am a grown up woman and I know how to conduct myself while in a relationship.

 

OP's problem is not the friend. OP's problem is he is afraid his girlfriend does not know how to conduct herself while in a relationship.

[ASG]

We all have our differences. In my dating experience, no woman is going to tolerate me living with another woman. I don't blame them. I also would not date a woman who is living with another guy.

 

Where I am from, it is very common for men and women to lie, play games, and cheat on their partners, then say the issue is just our insecurity, not their loyalty (or lack thereof).

 

Even if this guy BFF has already been shot down by the OP's GF, that's all but irrelevant. The guy is an orbiter who most likely is just going to try his hardest to undermine the relationship in any way he can.

 

Maybe it's the London housing market, but no one here bats an eyelid at someone living with people of the opposite sex.

 

My current household is 2/2 and that's a balance we like to keep. If a girl moves out, we look for another girl, if a guy moves out, we look for a guy.

 

Both guys who live there have girlfriends and we all hang out regularly. Both my female housemate and I are single at the moment, but we bring home people we're dating occasionally. It's never been a problem.

 

I think OP is overreacting. The friend has been around for 5 years and been rejected. Nothing is going to happen, no matter how much alcohol or proximity happen by living together. I'm assuming, if they're such good friends, that both those things have happened in the past.

 

If he's debating breaking up with her over this, I'd say she's dodging a bullet.

[Gaeta]

Men know other men are attracted to our GF's. The important thing is how our woman handles those guys. In the case of the OP's GF, she might have turned the guy down sexually, but she then made him her BFF, spends more time with him than she does her BF, prioritizes the guy over her relationship, and then sets things up to have this guy move in with her. A good woman knows how to handle things better than this.

 

All I read is that his girlfriend goes to the gym with him 3 to 4 times a week.

 

I think OP trust his girlfriend so little, because of her past cheating, that he over blows that friendship.