GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend

[Gaeta]

Gaeta your view is very superficial and stereotypical. Why do you need to be a hot body builder to get laid? And what makes you think you know what she is attracted to?

I am far from being superficial. I don't know what she is attracted to but she is not attracted towards him otherwise she would have slept with him already in the past 5 years. Can we agree to that?

 

My hot body builder example was only an example. Through all of your story I understood

 

1 - she turned him down 5 years ago

2 - he never hit on her after that

3 - she never gave him mixed signals after that that they had more than a platonic friendship.

 

Can we agree on that?

 

You are doing so well criticizing me that you're deflecting the argument about the fact that she hadn't respected me enough to discuss it with me prior. 1 year relationship doesn't mean you can't discuss these things.

 

I am not deflecting the argument. You did discuss things together and she made her decision to offer the 3rd room to chris. You are not pleased with the fact she went against your wish but this topic was discussed between you 2 already. Agree?

 

I don't agree with her way of doing it in a sneaky way but you did discuss it.

 

You are not in our shoes and you do not know the magnitude to which our relationship is serious. So the comment about 1 year dating and deciding living arrangements is somewhat irrelevant.

 

All I need to know is that you are not living together and have no concrete plans on moving in together in a near future. Your relationship cannot be THAT magnificent. People that date each other SERIOUSLY have concrete long term projects with dates to support their plans.

[thousandsuns]

Moderators, could I please request for this thread to be closed?

I will state the other matters attained from these discussions in a different topic of it's own.

 

Thank you all for the valuable insight. To the ones who truly understood me thanks for the empathy.

[d0nnivain]

The only reason why they aren't going to be living together now is because the house has been sold. I doubt as to whether she would have chosen me over Chris. It is something I did not push onto ask today, maybe next time when I see her I will ask her to see what she would say.

 

 

 

Wait, what? When did the house get sold?

 

 

So all this drama & she's not actually going to be living with him for a long time because they all have to move?

 

 

Geeze. What a waste of all this energy, drama & angst.

 

 

I'm not sure she picked him over you but she didn't approach any of this the right way. Had she spoken to you & laid all the cards on the table, even if you balked, I'd be more on her side, that her living arrangements are her choice, not yours.

 

 

Since you are now getting what you want -- her not living with him -- if you have any desire to salvage this, I'd start helping her look for an apartment she can afford in your neighborhood by herself.

[thousandsuns]

Wait, what? When did the house get sold?

 

 

So all this drama & she's not actually going to be living with him for a long time because they all have to move?

 

 

Geeze. What a waste of all this energy, drama & angst.

 

 

I'm not sure she picked him over you but she didn't approach any of this the right way. Had she spoken to you & laid all the cards on the table, even if you balked, I'd be more on her side, that her living arrangements are her choice, not yours.

 

 

Since you are now getting what you want -- her not living with him -- if you have any desire to salvage this, I'd start helping her look for an apartment she can afford in your neighborhood by herself.

 

She found out just today that the house got sold and that they need to move out in 2 weeks. I would consider myself lucky here and so is she. She didn't have to argue with me about something that just isn't going to happen. So at the end of the day I don't know whether she would have respected my view and decided to tell Chris to live elsewhere. Chris now has a place to stay and she along with her friend needs to move back in with their parents respectively so helping her find an apartment is not an option since 2 will live together again when they can save up and get another place. Note this time there is no Chris in the picture.

 

The situation hasn't been entirely resolved yet. She still ended up hiding the fact that they kept Chris for the last 2 weeks. There was no mention of him moving in and when I asked her why she didn't tell me it was because she didn't want to tell me while I was overseas.

 

I ultimately think that relationship is going to end because of the many actions she took that I can raise questions to. At the end of the day she still didn't tell me about him and now he is still living with them until they all need to move out.

 

Our anniversary is coming up soon. If I do break up I need to do it in a way that I can minimize the impact on me. I don't want to have to deal with misery right now then again I wouldn't want to deal with any misery but it's not for my choosing as all breakups come with the same effect on an individual.

 

Absolutely not. Chris is not the only person in the world. She can find another roommate.

 

 

 

I was just giving an example. As I have mentioned many previous times, the idea of her having sex with Chris is not important. I honestly doubt she would. The point is, Chris is an orbiter that she is enabling to create problems in her relationship, and she clearly values this guy more than she does her BF, even if she isn't blowing him.

 

 

 

Again, not about the sex. You don't get it.

 

 

 

Dude, I just feel bad for you now. So she is lying to you, and because she is emotional about her lies, you refuse to do anything about it. That attitude is probably why she has no respect for you. You are wasting too much time dealing with a girl that is not worth it.

 

I know I know, but I can't break up with her right now when she is in need. She has to move back to her parents with just 2 weeks notice and she feels really overwhelmed by the fact that she is being kicked out. Moreover, she is on her cycle at the moment which is why she is extra emotional.

If I have to breakup I need the right time and right msg for her. Maybe I need advice for that?

Edited January 7, 2016 by thousandsuns

[Gaeta]

So at the end of the day I don't know whether she would have respected my view and decided to tell Chris to live elsewhere.

 

See, I really wish you would open your mind and see where YOU are going wrong here.

 

You don't want to discuss this with her. You want to discuss this TILL SHE AGREES WITH YOU. That is not what we call communication.

 

You did discuss this with her already. You did tell her it made you uncomfortable. What you wanted was to discuss it again in the hope she agrees with you.

 

Communication is about SHARING how you feel, it's not about CONVINCING the other party.

 

The final decision was hers to make. She did make her decision and I don't agree with the way she handled it but you have to stop saying you wished she had discussed it with you because YOU did already discuss this.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Gaeta

[thousandsuns]

See, I really wish you would open your mind and see where YOU are going wrong here.

 

You don't want to discuss this with her. You want to discuss this TILL SHE AGREES WITH YOU. That is not what we call communication.

 

You did discuss this with her already. You did tell her it made you uncomfortable. What you wanted was to discuss it again in the hope she agrees with you.

 

Communication is about SHARING how you feel, it's not about CONVINCING the other party.

 

The final decision was hers to make. She did make her decision and I don't agree with the way she handled it but you have to stop saying you wished she had discussed it with you because YOU did already discuss this.

 

When my gf is drunk and an emotional wreck which she was tonight and add to that she's on her period, I can't really expect much from her now can I? This wasn't the right time to discuss it yet I did. But in her eyes it's jealousy and she says she regrets not having told me. Yet once again she's been hiding Chris in their house for the past 2 weeks.

What am I supposed to here? Question her again about this? I just find it extremely difficult to handle this situation without inflicting some sort of pain in her as it questions her honesty and integrity towards me.

[thousandsuns]

I would still break up with her now. That's my advice. Putting it off will just make her more angry that you dated her for a time knowing you planned on breaking it off.

 

She just doesn't seem like a good partner, not in many ways. She seems to be emotionally unstable, lies to you when it is convenient for her, spends too much time with another man, and shows that she gives that man priority over you.

 

Whatever emotional issues she is handling right now, let her buddy Chris help her through it. Me, I would bow out of the situation.

 

Is it even worth getting her side of the story regarding this whole situation or is breakup simply the best outcome? I'm only asking this because for the time I've known her she has been nothing but loyal and caring towards me. It is until I went away overseas for a whole month that all this crap starts to happen and I'm not even told about this.

[Gaeta]

When my gf is drunk and an emotional wreck which she was tonight and add to that she's on her period, I can't really expect much from her now can I? This wasn't the right time to discuss it yet I did. But in her eyes it's jealousy and she says she regrets not having told me. Yet once again she's been hiding Chris in their house for the past 2 weeks.

What am I supposed to here? Question her again about this? I just find it extremely difficult to handle this situation without inflicting some sort of pain in her as it questions her honesty and integrity towards me.

 

No thousandsuns.

 

What I am saying is there is nothing to discuss.

 

Everything has been discussed already.

 

You told her you disagreed, told her it made you uncomfortable.

 

Knowing you disagreed she did it anyway. That's called making a decision.

 

I don't agree with she needed your approval BUT I do agree she should have let you know her decision to go ahead with it and to not hide it.

 

A woman with integrity makes her own decisions and she stands by them. Which she didn't do.

 

Remember we spoke about integrity at the very beginning of this thread? How people with integrity don't cheat to get out of relationships, how people with integrity don't drink to the point of not knowing what they're doing, and now we can add people with integrity stand by their decision, they don't hide and act sneaky.

 

To me here where you stand. She is who she is. Lacks maturity and integrity. You take her as she is or you find yourself a better suited partner.

 

Honestly you sound like a good man with a good head and on top of that you take care of you sick mom. That's honorable. You have all my respect. Does she deserve you?

[kgcolonel]

I would go ahead and let her know that it is not jealousy (she may never believe it, as it is common for one to put the fault on the other than to accept one's own role in a break up) but be kind and firm, her lying about her moving Chris in unbeknownst to you coupled with her decision (contrary to others, there never was a discussion prior to the decision to invite Chris to move in) to invite Chris regardless of how it made you feel to try to understand your perspective.

 

She knew how you'd feel and moved forward anyway expecting you to cave....just tell her that you did not feel valued as one would need to feel in this relationship and only hope for the best for her. Do not criticize her or debate the past.

 

I would do this prior to the anniversary as any celebration would not have your whole heart and you and she deserve a relationship based on truth.

[CarrieT]

There is no need to wait for some illusive anniversary. The fact that you feel as you do is an even bigger reason to finish this sooner.

 

An anniversary is an occasion to celebrate a relationship. In this regard - as others have said - her lack of integrity, previous cheating, the lies she has told you, and the sexual disconnect are enough reason to politely and calmly indicate to her that the relationship cannot continue.

[lolablue17]

thousandsuns, I think you handle the situation very well.

 

You have solid boundaries, but yet you open a post to ask people, because you question yourself all the time and not being stubborn.

 

You know right from wrong, yet you're very compassionate with your Gf, not adding more stress and emotions to the equation, which she obviously cannot take now.

 

You have patience. You don't rush doing things just to feel right with yourself. You are willing to compromise.

 

You handle this much better than me If I were in your shoes. I would have blown things right away because I'm a very impulsive guy, not that i'm proud of it. So you can feel very good with yourself.

 

Kgcolonel and Kendahke, you made me laugh so much now, I've never won the internet before in my life... :cool::cool:

Edited January 7, 2016 by lolablue17

[kendahke]

If I have to breakup I need the right time and right msg for her. Maybe I need advice for that?

 

There is never a right time for a break up.

 

There will always be something else you will allow to manipulate your autonomy and you will spend more 5 years feeling exactly as you do now because she is the type of person to make decisions without asking for your input--not your permission because she's not your child and doesn't need it, but your input.

 

Why haven't you asked her to move in with you? I've asked that 3 times now and still haven't seen an answer to that question. If you have, what post number is it?

[MovingOnIsHard]

Hey OP

*

 

I'm a little late to the party but I just wanted to add my support.

 

*

 

I wholeheartedly agree with what other posters' are saying.. you need to break up with your gf. From what you have described, she doesn't seem to be a suitable partner for you. She seems to not share the same values as you (ie. didn't care what you thought about moving Chris in), lacks integrity (eg. lied to you by omission by not telling you that Chris was already moved in 2 weeks prior), and has emotional instability (eg. drinks a lot). You on the other hand, you're more mature and caring eg. caring for sick mother at home. I think you deserve somewhat better.

 

*

 

To be honest, she reminds me of my former roommate.. Drinks a lot, has male friends coming to sleep over, emotionally unstable... Last month, she asked me if it was okay if her bf (whom she shares a timultous relationship with) moved in with us until they can save up money for a house. At the time,*I lived with her and another female tenant (who just moved in with us).. It was to be an all-female apartment.

 

*

 

I told her I was uncomfortable with it and my other roommate didn't like the idea either. I've a bf of 9 months and to me, it felt a little weird to have another guy, whom I do not like to have around because he drinks a lot and is shady af. I know other girls probably don't care much about it but that's my own opinion.

 

*

 

My roommate got mad at me for it, even tried to argue with me about it. At*that point, I decided I wasn't going to tolerate anymore of her BS..*so now I've moved out completely from that apartment. *

 

*

 

Also, don't feel that you have to make the break up as easy and less painful for your gf... I mean, she didn't give you the heads up about Chris moving in so why do you have to give her heads up about breaking up with her? I say just tell her as soon as possible. It gets harder to break up the longer you put it off.

[d0nnivain]

Why haven't you asked her to move in with you? I've asked that 3 times now and still haven't seen an answer to that question. If you have, what post number is it?

 

 

He explained his living situation in post # 104. He lives with a sick mother who he takes care of.

[guy93]

why are you not her best guy friend?

 

deep down you must be wondering, I would be

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I just wanted to say that I understand everything you say 100%. If I was dating a guy who did this... then I would also end the relationship. If he couldn't consider my feelings and made the decision behind my back.

 

It was very poor judgement on her part and I totally get how you feel. I'm a bit shocked how people fail to understand this. It really doesn't matter if she would cheat with Chris or not.. it's the fact that she didn't take your feelings info account. Chris being overweight and having issues are neither here nor there.

[kgcolonel]

Sandylee, I totally agree and have been trying to get this across for several posts here. The issue is the lack of "acting or behaving as a part of a couple" not so much of cheating or physique issue....

 

I am thinking there has been a lot of projecting and fear of freedom limitations expressed here when in fact it's only a desire on the OP's part to be considered. I would totally endorse her freedom to invite and move Chris into her apt, just as I totally endorse OP to determine that this is a deal killer for him. (I understand and support your right to do this especially as a single person) I want someone who will discuss and seek alternatives that will not damage our relationship, and you may want someone who will accept your decisions made without consideration of your partners feelings. We're not a match.

[maysj18]

I am shocked at how many comments are saying that OP should trust his girlfriend, they've been friends for 5 years, etc.

 

OP: your girlfriend is NOT marriage potential. You may not have the right to tell her what she can and cannot do, but you absolutely have the right to put your foot down and give her an ultimatum. Your feelings matter just as much as her's and in no way, shape, or form would I be comfortable in a similar situation. It shows her lack of respect both for you and for him. This poor guy is doing everything he can to get close to her and she's letting him; dangling bait on a string. That's cruel and disastrous.

 

She sounds like more trouble than she's worth. I'm sorry you're going through this but I am completely backing you up on how you feel. I don't think your anger is uncalled for; I mean, she's made a decision that you know will end the relationship. I'm sure you're sad, hurt, and feel disrespected. I don't blame you

[maysj18]

When my gf is drunk and an emotional wreck which she was tonight and add to that she's on her period, I can't really expect much from her now can I? This wasn't the right time to discuss it yet I did. But in her eyes it's jealousy and she says she regrets not having told me. Yet once again she's been hiding Chris in their house for the past 2 weeks.

What am I supposed to here? Question her again about this? I just find it extremely difficult to handle this situation without inflicting some sort of pain in her as it questions her honesty and integrity towards me.

 

 

You absolutely CAN expect her to act like an adult. Her period and emotional turmoil is not under her control necessarily, but being drunk definitely is. Even if her emotional problems are because of an organic problem, it is absolutely NOT okay to make you walk on eggshells because she's not emotionally stable. Yes, a loving partner should support her through her problems but only if she's working towards something better. If she's just cycling over and over, leave. I swear it will never get better.

 

My ex and I ended things because his emotional issues led us down a bad road. I was constnatly on edge and he was completely shut down. I love him (not in love with him) and will always care deeply about him; however, I cannot be in a relationship where my own feelings are routinely overshadowed and ignored. I would support him every step of the way if he was working to better himself, but until then I will keep my distance.

[sandylee1]

Of all the people looking for a room to rent.. I cant believe Chris is the only person that could have moved in. Was he homeless before the room became available? What she did is relationship suicide... pure craziness on her part

 

Either she wanted you to end it..or she thought you were so deeply into her that you didn't have the guts to end it.

 

And you know what......even if Chris didn't move in now or she moved out.. For me......The damage is already done..... It would be a clear sign.. that she lacks mature thinking and my feelings don't mean diddly squat to her.

 

If my BF lacked the mental capacity to comprehend something so basic.... then he's not the one for me.

 

There are things I may want to do at times... but then I think of how my husband might perceive it.. and how it could potentially hurt his feelings. There are fee things worse in a relationship than an inconsiderate partner.

 

Oh yeah ..... someone earlier in the thread suggested the OP should be planning to live with her... I disagree ....1 year is too soon IMO.

 

OP - A girl who had any regard for you would not do what she did... KNOWING how you'd feel.

 

Lack of regard for his feelings is the reason my brother's marriage ended (he divorced her) ....when you know something would annoy your other half... and you just go ahead and do it.... it shows you don't care. It moves on from what the person actually did.. to the lack or regard and disrespect for you.

 

No man (or woman) wants this blatant disregard for their feelings.

[thousandsuns]

Hey all - given how stressed and edgy I was at the time when I first started this thread I failed to state that she had already had him move in a week ago.

 

Me - Found a housemate yet?

GF - Yeah we have Chris moved in last week since he needed a house as he had to get out of the other one and the only other house he could find was a friend of his who takes drugs and I didn't want him to get involved in that situation. Least Tash and I know him and trust him.

 

So I basically missed the point that this was done already. Oh well. This makes me now hate her even more as the title of the thread isn't gf asking but more like gf moved in best guy friend in with her without telling me.

 

Now the misery is back once again and I once again am starting to hate her now.

 

It looks though that this was done blatantly pretty much and the fact they can't move in together anymore is just because the house got sold. I doubt if she would have listened to me which basically means she is not trustworthy enough or deserve to be with me anymore. How sad. I'm heat broken that I have to end it with her.

[TheTraveler]

So?

 

Your point?

 

She rejected him 5 years ago she can reject him again then ask him to move out.

 

The problem is not Chris. The problem is OP not trusting his gf to say no if Chris makes a move on her.

 

Chris is an orbiter. He's going to hang around, hang around, hoping one day for his chance and this guy's gf needs a shoulder to cry on.

[TheTraveler]

Hey all - given how stressed and edgy I was at the time when I first started this thread I failed to state that she had already had him move in a week ago.

 

Me - Found a housemate yet?

GF - Yeah we have Chris moved in last week since he needed a house as he had to get out of the other one and the only other house he could find was a friend of his who takes drugs and I didn't want him to get involved in that situation. Least Tash and I know him and trust him.

 

So I basically missed the point that this was done already. Oh well. This makes me now hate her even more as the title of the thread isn't gf asking but more like gf moved in best guy friend in with her without telling me.

 

Now the misery is back once again and I once again am starting to hate her now.

 

It looks though that this was done blatantly pretty much and the fact they can't move in together anymore is just because the house got sold. I doubt if she would have listened to me which basically means she is not trustworthy enough or deserve to be with me anymore. How sad. I'm heat broken that I have to end it with her.

 

You need to step back, control your emotions, and think long-term about this girl. Look at her actions. Not what she says. You will have your answer.

[thousandsuns]

I honestly don't feel as upset about it as I should I'm not sure why. Maybe a part of me simply stopped having feelings for her. I'm in a state I feel where if we broke up now I couldn't care any less. Yes I would feel bad but I don't see her the same way as I used to anymore.

 

She is extremely sorry and I've asked to meet her again to have a final discussion in person when she isn't drunk or emotional. It will happen tomorrow most likely. I just want to see if she is really as sorry as she says she is and whether or not she feels how she hurt me. If she is empathic and is apologetic and understands that this is unacceptable and a breach of trust then I may give her another chance if my heart is in it. She was so lovely last night and I could see how much she really missed me. Something tells me she did this accidentally and is very regretful. Whether or not that is true I'm not sure but in our msgs today she said she would have asked Chris to find another place so she could save our relationship.

 

I just don't know if she deserves another chance? Despite all this.

[sandylee1]

Prior to this incident has she been the almost perfect GF?

Does she have the qualities and traits you want in a life partner?

 

You mentioned her drinking a few times... do you really want a wife who gets drunk like that?

 

Marriage is a very big step.. you mentioned wanting to propose before this..... you need to be sure you're on the same page and share the same basic values with your spouse.

 

Now.. realise that Chris isn't going anywhere... what if she would still want to hang out with him and go to the gym as frequently when your married? Is that acceptable to you? She's not likely to see why she should alter her friendship with him when you get married.

 

My point in saying all this is that even if she's very apologetic... is there really a long term future with her. ...bearing all the above in mind.

 

Trust is very important in a relationship..especially in marriage.

 

Good luck