GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend

[CherryVanilla]

Just for the sake of argument.

 

The friend has admitted to being attracted to her and she rejected him. The attraction was not mutual.

 

Will OP take on the role of police around her? How about other men that find OP's girlfriend attractive. Should he go to her work and warn all men to stay away from her? About OP's own friends. How many you think think she's attractive? probably all of them. Will OP also police them?

 

This young man from my work told me once how he fantasize about me all day. I said: Well dear, it's flattering considering you are 20 years younger than I but I am not interested.

 

Should my boyfriend come to my work and talk to this guy? should my boyfriend insist I find another job? NO. I am a grown up woman and I know how to conduct myself while in a relationship.

 

OP's problem is not the friend. OP's problem is he is afraid his girlfriend does not know how to conduct herself while in a relationship.

 

I think she is provoking him. She is maybe trying to make him jealous. She doesn't care if she is hurting his feelings or not. I would never do that to any boyfriend because no matter if she reciprocates her friend's feelings or not, she is not taking her boyfriend's feelings into consideration.

 

Men know other men are attracted to our GF's. The important thing is how our woman handles those guys. In the case of the OP's GF, she might have turned the guy down sexually, but she then made him her BFF, spends more time with him than she does her BF, prioritizes the guy over her relationship, and then sets things up to have this guy move in with her. A good woman knows how to handle things better than this.

 

I agree. Like I said, she treats her friend in a more respectful and considerate way than she does to her own bf.

[frus69]

I don't think it's right or wrong to live with someone who likes you. I mean things may happen, or may not.

 

 

But I know lots of people wouldn't like their SO to do so and they have every right to.

 

 

And the problem here is really OP's girlfriend being so inconsiderable.

 

 

If my Bf didn't like it, I would not do it, would just find someone else to live with..

[thousandsuns]

Thanks all for keeping this thread alive and bringing in some energy to this discussion. There are a lot of people who does share empathy for me and I thank those people. I won't say I'm perfect, I'm far from it and I do have trust issues. This decision alone has cracked the trust barrier for me since she didn't bother to mention it. I will stand my ground and still say as her bf I deserve to be told about a decision like this. I think that some of you have brought out an interesting fact from this and that she is inconsiderate and doesn't care about my feelings. Out of the numerous messages exchanged with her these were some of the key points and some other facts:

1/ she regrets not having told me but she kept saying that even if she told me she knew I was going to say "no" to the idea anyways. So does this basically say she doesn't give a damn about my thought or feelings?

2/ she keeps bringing in love into this. She continuously keeps telling me she thought I loved her enough to understand this as if it's a decision I should be whole heartedly supportive of. I have always been supportive of her in numerous occasions. Even gym when she was trying her best to lose weight.

3/ off note - both her and Chris are somewhat overnight. The fact she goes to the gym with her 3-4 days a week is because she feels bad for her and wants to encourage chris to lose weight who is in a much poorer health state which is very nice of her. However, the time they spend together on a weekly basis is still way too much than she spends with me since I don't gym with her or attend the same PT sessions as Chris. They basically get a lot of solid time together and My gf is basically this guy's rock when it comes to all this. I'm not insulting this guy but he is sad and lonely and my gf has always been there for him.

4/ she keeps telling me she is only helping her friend out and that she will never stop doing that even if it's for me. Please note I never said stop helping your friends but she keeps bringing this back to helping her friends as a cover up. She is doing her best to defend her decision and ensure I don't have any wrong doing.

 

 

Update: I texted her last night and did say sorry for the way I reacted and I said I would try and fix things up because I don't want things to end but if they are meant to be they aren't. I can't force her to kick out Chris but when I see her I'll make it clear that I can't deal with this decision and if she loves me enough she will respect that. Help this guy find a place to live or let him sort it out as he is not a child nor homeless.

 

Anyways, it looks like it's more or less over but I wouldn't go out without leaving some dent in her heart anyways as harsh as it sounds on my end. I've been very hurt by this so she can go out knowing I was going to propose to her and she broke this into pieces. Her response did state that she doesn't deserve me when I had said this. The proposal thing isn't a lie anyways.

Edited January 7, 2016 by thousandsuns

[Poutrew]

Sorry, dude. Whenever a girl says 'she doesn't deserve you', it is basically over. She places Chris over you in priority and she even directly told you that. Chris is indeed a lucky guy: He slipped on a pile of poop and landed in a bed of roses...On the other hand, do you really think you lost out here? Do you really want to wed a girl who puts other guys above you in priority?

 

Be the better man. Wish them both well, and walk away from this triangle with your head held high.

[thousandsuns]

The reasons why she said she doesn't deserve is because she feels guilty but the question is whether or me she wants to do anything about it. Mind you she has insecurities too and had a very low self esteem. Whenever anything happens she keeps constantly saying "I can't do anything right".

 

This is totally true that there is no respect there to consider how I would feel in this case. Yes I do not dictate her life but once again it comes back to this being a major situation. It's a huge change that impacts my relationship with her. No matter however way she sees it, she should understand that it hurts me. But she is just as much as pussy as she doesn't want to fight for me. We've been through this before many times and when a potential breakup is in the cards she caves in and says she understands if that's my decision.

 

Her personality is bizzare and hard to understand. She doesn't show love but she does love me. She lacks a decent sex drive as she is on contraception. Me and her lack the chemistry that I had with many girls in the past. For example sometimes I have to drag on to keep a conversation going with her like she only knows small talk (i.e. What are you up to? How was your day?) this bothers me a lot yet I've learned to swallow this and let it be since some people are just like that. However, I've seen her interact with her friends in general and she is more talkative around them than me. I know I've just opened another discussion on its own.

 

PS: she lives on the other side of the town roughly 40min away drive. This is why I can't go to gym with her. Her reason for joining the gym is so she could motivate Chris to lose weight. So as I mentioned befor she is basically his rock. As much as I don't want to insult him he is a poor excuse of a guy struggling with weight issues and other stuff and he has to convey his problems to rest of the world including my gf and get sympathy from her into helping him. I don't know if that should make me hate him? Even if it doesn't seem like any of this is his fault he should realise that his friend is my gf and some decisions such as these could impact us. Maybe he has motives?

[Gaeta]

he is a poor excuse of a guy struggling with weight issues and other stuff and he has to convey his problems to rest of the world including my gf and get sympathy from her into helping him.

 

That's the man you are afraid of? That's the Casanova that will sweep your girlfriend off of her feet? and get her blood boiling?

 

Do you see where you are making this a much bigger deal than it is.

[thousandsuns]

That's the man you are afraid of? That's the Casanova that will sweep your girlfriend off of her feet? and get her blood boiling?

 

Do you see where you are making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

He is pathetic in my opinion but that doesn't mean he is the same in her opinion. You don't need someone to be super attractive or successful for you to fall for them or want them. They share 5yrs whilst I share with her only 1yr. I don't expect her to be swept off but she does care about him very much as I've seen that personally.

I don't like how you end the post with the statement about it being a big deal. I would rather not reiterate myself. It is a big deal for me because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Do I need to justify why I feel uncomfortable? I have said that already.

[frus69]

He is pathetic in my opinion but that doesn't mean he is the same in her opinion. You don't need someone to be super attractive or successful for you to fall for them or want them. They share 5yrs whilst I share with her only 1yr. I don't expect her to be swept off but she does care about him very much as I've seen that personally.

I don't like how you end the post with the statement about it being a big deal. I would rather not reiterate myself. It is a big deal for me because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Do I need to justify why I feel uncomfortable? I have said that already.

 

Sorry to say but she doesn't sound that great herself either (overweight, unable to make conversations, low self esteem, cheater etc )

[thousandsuns]

Sorry to say but she doesn't sound that great herself either (overweight, unable to make conversations, low self esteem, cheater etc )

 

Overall she is a lovely person but I imagine I can do better. However, I don't want it to end like this because of this incident. The only reason why I'm with her is because she is much better compared to other women I have dated and maybe I've just set the bar a little low. She is caring and loving and is nice but nothing that's exceptional when I come to think of it. I don't doubt her feelings and love for me. She does love me and she cries about the thought of losing me but I've been with her long enough to know she is also worthy. I just don't know what to do now.

[frus69]

Overall she is a lovely person but I imagine I can do better. However, I don't want it to end like this because of this incident. The only reason why I'm with her is because she is much better compared to other women I have dated and maybe I've just set the bar a little low. She is caring and loving and is nice but nothing that's exceptional when I come to think of it. I don't doubt her feelings and love for me. She does love me and she cries about the thought of losing me but I've been with her long enough to know she is also worthy. I just don't know what to do now.

hmm if she loves you that much it makes her cry, why does she do such a thing to piss you off?

 

 

It's so not worth it??

 

 

She is bizarre to understand isn't she

[AndOrchid]

Honestly, I can understand why this would be a dealbreaker for you and it's fine that it is.

 

But the more you talk about the situation, the more it is starting to sound like this is mostly about your ego. You don't trust your girlfriend and you don't seem to particularly respect her, so I think at this point you know she is not the one. So why dangle a proposal in front of her (extremely manipulative) and tell her how she screwed that up? Because your ego is hurt that she will not pick you over everyone else and you want to have the last word. It's about power, not about love.

 

If you want to end it, just end it. There's no need for all that other stuff.

 

Oh, and leave her friend out of it. It's not his job to make sure your relationship thrives. You and your girlfriend make your own decisions and are the only ones responsible for the impact of those decisions.

[thousandsuns]

The point is not that the guy in question is some Casanova style player that is really a threat to steal away the OP's GF. The point is that his GF has an inappropriate relationship with the guy, has clearly chosen this guy over her BF by comparing how long she has been friends with him vs how long she has been with the OP, and moving in with this same guy even though she knew it would cause problems in her relationship. That guy can find another place to live, and she could find another roommate. She just cares that little about her BF's feelings. That is the problem.

 

No, you don't. Many women are going to sit here and tell you that you are insecure, and jealous, and making a big deal out of nothing, but many men would feel the exact same way you do. I am one of them. No way on Earth I would put up with that crap from a GF. Something else, when women know you don't tolerate that sort of thing, they don't try and push it on you.

 

Thank you for putting yourself in my shoes. I'm glad you understand how I feel.

It's unfortunate how things have played out but on my end I couldn't have done anything differently than actually stayed calm about this. But then again me being too calm would further make her believe it's not a big deal.

 

hmm if she loves you that much it makes her cry, why does she do such a thing to piss you off?

 

 

It's so not worth it??

 

 

She is bizarre to understand isn't she

 

Given everything I've heard so far the reasons for me to let her go outweigh anything else for me to consider further.

 

I can indeed offer her help to find another housemate and Chris to find another place as that's the only other way I can push this relationship on. If she isn't willing accept that then this is the end.

 

However, would this even be a good idea? Or should she be resolving this issue herself since Chris is her friend and not mine.

[thousandsuns]

Honestly, I can understand why this would be a dealbreaker for you and it's fine that it is.

 

But the more you talk about the situation, the more it is starting to sound like this is mostly about your ego. You don't trust your girlfriend and you don't seem to particularly respect her, so I think at this point you know she is not the one. So why dangle a proposal in front of her (extremely manipulative) and tell her how she screwed that up? Because your ego is hurt that she will not pick you over everyone else and you want to have the last word. It's about power, not about love.

 

If you want to end it, just end it. There's no need for all that other stuff.

 

Oh, and leave her friend out of it. It's not his job to make sure your relationship thrives. You and your girlfriend make your own decisions and are the only ones responsible for the impact of those decisions.

 

How is my ego coming into this? What in the hell is there for me to respect if she can't respect me and tell me she's inviting this guy to live with her? If she knew I would be against it and went through with it anyways then that's disrespectful not my feelings for her. She deserves to know what she screwed up so she deserves to know about the proposal and forth. It isn't manipulation it's honesty. Your opinion is so far left that you've gone onto question why I fee the way I feel and how things turned out.

 

And her friend doesn't have anything to do with this? What kinda selfish person would you be if you didn't care about your friends relationship? He shouldn't care about her happiness? Gosh you are totally clueless. I never said don't be friends with him. Please think before you say something that doesn't add up to the situation.

[frus69]

Thank you for putting yourself in my shoes. I'm glad you understand how I feel.

It's unfortunate how things have played out but on my end I couldn't have done anything differently than actually stayed calm about this. But then again me being too calm would further make her believe it's not a big deal.

 

 

 

Given everything I've heard so far the reasons for me to let her go outweigh anything else for me to consider further.

 

I can indeed offer her help to find another housemate and Chris to find another place as that's the only other way I can push this relationship on. If she isn't willing accept that then this is the end.

 

However, would this even be a good idea? Or should she be resolving this issue herself since Chris is her friend and not mine.

I don't know if you really love her/ Sounds like you are with her because she is so "nice". But she doesn't get you excited, doesn't get you admired. Man, she probably is nice because she thinks low of herself.

 

 

So are you really scared of losing her?

 

 

Or are you just scared of "failure" in the relationship? ?

 

 

Maybe it's just a mistake that you and her are together

[AndOrchid]

 

Anyways, it looks like it's more or less over but I wouldn't go out without leaving some dent in her heart anyways as harsh as it sounds on my end. I've been very hurt by this so she can go out knowing I was going to propose to her and she broke this into pieces. Her response did state that she doesn't deserve me when I had said this. The proposal thing isn't a lie anyways.

 

Your own words. If you already feel she doesn't respect you and you don't trust her around her friend, what else is there to discuss? What is the point of all this?

 

And yes, her friend doesn't need to be part of this conversation. It was her choice to invite him and it is still her choice to pick his feelings over yours. What is the point of talking to him? If he decided not to live with her following a conversation with him, would that really make you feel better about your relationship with your girlfriend?

 

Oh, and if you speak to her the way you react here, I'm not surprised the conversation doesn't produce your desired outcome. Please think a little before getting defensive.

Edited January 7, 2016 by AndOrchid

[lolablue17]

I think you're doing the right thing by staning up for your principles, yet doing it in a calm way not impulsive.

 

The reason you don't want to talk directly to Chris is because if you do, and he will do what you wish him to do, she's gonna hate you for that. She will be resentful, and it can damage your relationship. You cannot say that he is HER friend so she must sort it out with him, and at the same time talk with him behind her back. It's not morraly right and it will hurt her.

 

Don't do that. It's her choice to tell Chris about it or not.

[thousandsuns]

Your own words. If you already feel she doesn't respect you and you don't trust her around her friend, what else is there to discuss? What is the point of all this?

 

And yes, her friend doesn't need to be part of this conversation. It was her choice to invite him and it is still her choice to pick his feelings over yours. What is the point of talking to him? If he decided not to live with her following a conversation with him, would that really make you feel better about your relationship with your girlfriend?

 

Oh, and if you speak to her the way you react here, I'm not surprised the conversation doesn't produce your desired outcome. Please think a little before getting defensive.

 

The reason why I'm here is to get some advice. Even though I may not like what you say here I still appreciate your input. If you're attacking me personally I do need to be defensive.

 

However, you're right, me having a conversation with Chris to change the outcome will not make me feel any better being with her. This isn't a situation that has been created by me. It was created by her and she is responsible for defusing it rather than me intervene. It's the only way I will see if she truly loves me.

 

Her final msg to be just few minutes ago was the following "well I have to move now". I don't know how I should even react to this msg or what to say back. She's the one who has been living there with her friend for nearly a year not Chris. This msg is just meaningless in nature as she is trying to say that she would rather live elsewhere than ask this guy to find another place to live. I honestly don't know how she even thinks.

[thousandsuns]

I think you're doing the right thing by staning up for your principles, yet doing it in a calm way not impulsive.

 

The reason you don't want to talk directly to Chris is because if you do, and he will do what you wish him to do, she's gonna hate you for that. She will be resentful, and it can damage your relationship. You cannot say that he is HER friend so she must sort it out with him, and at the same time talk with him behind her back. It's not morraly right and it will hurt her.

 

Don't do that. It's her choice to tell Chris about it or not.

 

I wasn't planning to speak to Chris myself. I had asked her if to get him to contact me so I can talk to him about the matter but now looking back at it. That won't resolve the issue the way I want it to be resolved. I don't think it's my responsibility to tell this guy that he could potentially be the reason why we broke up. However, if he has some decency and self respect just knowing about the situation should change his decision to move in unless he is a selfish jackass. I wouldn't do anything that would impact my friends relationship if I'm the cause. I would want my friend to be happy as I would like knowing that their partner is making them happy.

 

Isn't that fair to think so?

[TheTraveler]

At the end of the day, Chris is going to try to bone your woman.

 

Realize this OP. This is truth.

[thousandsuns]

At the end of the day, Chris is going to try to bone your woman.

 

Realize this OP. This is truth.

 

Is this response seriously supposed to help me in anyway? :|

[lolablue17]

Her final msg to be just few minutes ago was the following "well I have to move now". I don't know how I should even react to this msg or what to say back. She's the one who has been living there with her friend for nearly a year not Chris. This msg is just meaningless in nature as she is trying to say that she would rather live elsewhere than ask this guy to find another place to live. I honestly don't know how she even thinks.

 

She feels trapped, so she tries everything, including playing on your conscience.

 

She already started building her case. In the future She will mention every time that "It's your fault that (Pick the right sentence) A. She had to lose her appartment", B. "Chris has no place to live", C. "Her friendship with Chris is damaged". Of course all are because of you and your stupid insecurities.

 

You see? That's why it's great that you said you're sorry and all that. Don't fall in that trap. You must be persistent about it. You DON'T ASK her to do something. You don't demand, you support every move she makes. You don't ask her to move, you don't ask her to dump Chris from living there, You are no side in this whole strory. It's her decision, and if she does something, it's on her. She does that to fix her mistake, and to not losing you.

[ASG]

That alone would be enough to end some relationships. I can only imagine my GF's response if I told her I wanted to start working out 4 days a week with one of my female friends.

 

I agree that her cheating past is probably causing some problems. However, she could easily dispel any cause for worry if she would handle things differently. Not allowing a guy who already causes problems in her relationship to move in with her would be a big step in establishing trust with her BF.

 

Well... regarding the bold... that's not what happened. This guy has been around for MUCH longer than the OP. Stands to reason that she's been working out with him since BEFORE the relationship and it's not something that she sprung on the OP.

 

Which is a LOT different to suddenly deciding that you're close with a guy you weren't close with before.

 

The way I view this whole thing is the same way I view someone who starts to date me trying to make me quit smoking. You started dating me knowing full well I am a smoker. What makes you think I'll change that??

 

OP is effectively trying to change the dynamics of their relationship. And that is not ok.

[Tribble]

II don't think it's my responsibility to tell this guy that he could potentially be the reason why we broke up. However, if he has some decency and self respect just knowing about the situation should change his decision to move in unless he is a selfish jackass. I wouldn't do anything that would impact my friends relationship if I'm the cause. I would want my friend to be happy as I would like knowing that their partner is making them happy.

 

Isn't that fair to think so?

 

I'd think that my BFF has a crappy SO if something I did broke them up. Regardless of any ulterior motives on his part, or lack thereof, all he's doing is moving in with friends. One of which has you as a bf. So him moving house makes his friends bf break up with her. Just sounds like (from his point of view) you're looking for an excuse. The success of your relationship is down to YOU and HER. That's it. Not Chris, not anyone else. If you break up, it will be because of you and your gf. Whether you don't really like her and are settling, whether you don't trust her or whether she disregarded your feelings, not because some guy moved house. Nobody owes your relationship anything, they work because of the people in them working together to build a future together.

[BlueIris]

At the end of the day, Chris is going to try to bone your woman.

 

Realize this OP. This is truth.

 

At the end of the day, many men in this world are going to try to bone your woman.

 

Realize this OP. This is truth.

 

 

.... on another note, I can't believe that there are people who overlook the rent/money/financial element of this. I suggest OP pay the 1/3 (or whatever the fraction of rent and expenses needs to be covered) to ensure that no one else lives with his GF.

Edited January 7, 2016 by BlueIris

[Gaeta]

At the end of the day, Chris is going to try to bone your woman.

 

Realize this OP. This is truth.

 

So?

 

Your point?

 

She rejected him 5 years ago she can reject him again then ask him to move out.

 

The problem is not Chris. The problem is OP not trusting his gf to say no if Chris makes a move on her.